Video summary
The video explores the complex intersection of race, sexuality, and cultural expectations through a series of personal questions addressed by the host. One viewer asks if it is appropriate to rekindle a connection with an ex-friend after two years of silence due to family pressure to marry within their South Asian community. The host advises that reaching out depends on whether the individual has first examined the roots of their family's beliefs, distinguishing between cultural understanding and internalized supremacy. If the person has clarified their right to love who they choose and resolved any capacity issues regarding reciprocity, then reconnecting with a friend is a valid step toward finding genuine connection rather than succumbing to external pressure.
Another segment addresses the sensitive topic of hair extensions worn by Black women, where one partner accused the other of wearing them out of insecurity to resemble white friends. The host reframes this issue by celebrating the versatility and beauty of Black hair, noting that styles like wigs and weaves are choices made for fun and self-expression rather than grief or imitation. She encourages open dialogue with partners to educate them on how diverse hair textures can be enjoyed without judgment, emphasizing that wearing extensions is a celebration of one's ability to choose different looks rather than a sign of dissatisfaction with natural features.
The discussion then shifts to the challenges faced by interracial couples, particularly regarding raising children in a predominantly white society. A Black woman married to a white man describes feeling anger over her partner's family's casual handling of racial issues and worries about the subtle ways white supremacy influences their young children. The host validates these concerns, explaining that while privilege allows some people to ignore daily struggles, marginalized individuals must constantly navigate microaggressions. She urges families to be intentional in their parenting, such as buying diverse dolls like Black Barbies and carefully selecting media, to ensure children grow up proud of their heritage without feeling less than others due to societal biases.
Finally, the video tackles a hypothetical scenario where a partner discovers pornographic search history featuring women who do not look like her. The host explains that pornography often serves as a fantasy outlet for exploring various identities and desires in a safe, contained space, distinct from real-world relationship dynamics. She suggests that if the content is viewed out of curiosity or a desire to explore different realities rather than a rejection of the partner, it should be discussed openly to avoid trauma-based misunderstandings. The core message is that sex and intimacy are expansive topics deserving of deep conversation about humanity, power, and vulnerability, ensuring that such discoveries become opportunities for connection rather than sources of hurt or shock.
Read the full video transcript
I'm a black man dating a black queen,
but daily I watch.
I'm just prepping for the day that she
finds out and I'm not going to know what
to say. So Shan, I'm hoping that you
have the words. Okay. Hey there lovers.
So I'm answering your questions about
sex, dating, and race. Wish me luck. But
first, a message from [music] the
sponsor of this episode, Squarespace.
This video and heck, this whole channel
is powered by Squarespace, the
all-in-one website platform that makes
it easy for entrepreneurs to stand out
and succeed online. Whether you are just
starting out or managing a growing
brand, Squarespace makes it easy for you
to build a stunning website, engage with
your audience, and sell anything from
products to content to time, all in one
place, all on your terms. Check out
squarespace.com for a free trial. Play
around, see if you like it, and if you
love what you built, go to
squarespace.com/shambbouty
because that's how you're going to get
10% off the purchase of a website or a
domain. That's squarespace.com/shan
booty for 10% off. I'm South [music]
Asian, Pakistani specifically, and my
parents have made it clear that I'm
supposed to marry within the community.
I've internalized that so much that I
sabotaged [music] a friendship with an
amazing man because I sense he wanted
more. That was 2 years ago, and I'm
still single. Would it be weird to reach
back [music] out to my friend to see if
the flame is still there? Hex, yeah, it
would be weird to reach back out to your
friend if all you've done in the past 2
years is acknowledge that you're still
single. Did you acknowledge why your
family has those belief systems around
who is worthy of your love and who is
not? Where is that coming from? Is it
coming from a sense of supremacy or is
is it coming from a sense of cultural
understanding? You got to figure that
out first. And if you did figure that
out because you had the conversations
and you were able to come to an
agreement around the beauty of love and
your right to love, who you want to
love, and also the problems of luring
somebody into a loving relationship that
you weren't capable of reciprocating
because of the inherited beliefs that
you got from your family. When my mom
and dad got together, I am South Asian,
black, and white. My dad is
Indo-Caribbean from Guyana. My mom is
half black, half white, black
presenting. Long story short, when my
dad brought my mom home, my grandma was
horrified that he brought home a black
woman. But my dad and his sisters had
done the work and realizing how
that was. Senseless, sensical. What? We
should be coming together and loving
together. There's no beef between you
and I. We share this land. We share this
culture. We eat from the same fruit
tree. My dad and his sisters had done
that work. And so when my grandma
started acting out, they had already
developed these rich diverse
relationships elsewhere, all of them.
And so when she was carrying on and she
actually locked herself in a bathroom.
One of my favorite stories. My grandma
locked herself in her bathroom and she
said, "If you marry that woman, I will
kill myself." And her two daughters
knocked right back. And you know what
they said? "Yo, want rope or poison?
When you're at that place?"
Yes. Then you should reach back out to
the guy. I'm a black woman who grew up
in a mostly white suburb. I've worn hair
[music] extensions for years because I
look in the mirror and I like what I
see. It's not that deep. But I'm seeing
this black guy who flat out told me
[music] that he thinks I wear my hair
like this out of insecurity, trying to
look like my white friends. It's like
he's asking me to choose. [music] And
now I don't know what either choice will
say about me. Let's get one thing clear.
You wear your hair and extensions in
celebration of all that you can be, not
in grief for what you're not. I was out
the other day and I was looking at two
black women. One had the most gorgeous
full head of natural locks, blonde, red,
brown, black, like every color sprouting
from each diverse beautiful lock. And
then they were sitting across from
another black woman with bone straight
hair.
And I knew that that was both of those
women's hair.
Black hair is so diverse. It's so
versatile. And I think it's fun to
acknowledge and play with that. I think
it can be quite sexy to play with that
to like be able to live out the range. A
teal bob. My grandma's 90 years old and
she's got a a blonde little pixie. Or if
you just want long, strong, bone
straight hair, you could if you wanted
to. So I think wigs and weaves are just
ways of celebrating that. I think it's
quite beautiful. And I think that can be
a conversation, one to have with self
and two, to have with this guy to give
an education on that. Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not wearing this because I don't
love what I have. I'm wearing this
because I love the fact that technically
I could have this or I could have
something else tomorrow. If I really did
it to my hair, I probably couldn't
because, you know, hair isn't all that
resilient. But I could go in either
direction comfortably.
So, why not play the fact that maybe
this day I can choose and that day I
choose different? It's still me
just voguing me. I'm a black and
Filipino woman and I've been with my
white husband for 8 years. I love our
life, but since [music] having kids,
something shifted. I'm suddenly furious
about the things that I thought I made
peace with. The way [music] his family
talks about race or around race, the
schools we're choosing, what our [music]
kids will be told about themselves. I'm
not questioning my marriage, but I am
questioning whether I prepared myself
for what [music] it actually means to
build a family in a white family
structure.
>> [music]
>> Did you prepare yourself? Obviously not.
It's a shitty thing to have to be
prepared for.
Let's just be honest.
It's just so fascinating. We just the
things that we take for granted when we
don't even have to think about them. And
that's all of us. Some of us right now
are not even thinking about hearing in
our ears because we don't have to think
about it. We're not hearing impaired. We
don't have any struggles. So, we don't
even have to think, you know, can I
hear? or how's my hearing today? And
that just trickles all the way down. And
so when you are a white, able-bodied,
heterosexual individual, the amount of
that you just don't have to think
about that other people do every single
day, it's a big ass gap. Dude, that gap
is so big. There's just so many small
encounters you just completely take for
granted that I have to go into fight or
flight every single time. We're in the
exact same room standing side by side.
And your body is the river, a calm
river, and mine's a raging waterfall.
And you don't even know that about me.
It's hard to explain. I don't even want
to put that on you. I don't want you to
have to go through the world like this.
It sucks.
It's so like I don't want to have to
think that if you think I'm stupid just
because I look like this or talk like
this. I don't even want to have to have
those thoughts.
I don't want to. But I do.
And now we're all in this together in a
family, right? And we want these
beautiful black and Asian children to
know this part of themselves and be
proud of it and not have to go through
life feeling like they're less because
of it because of all the thousands of
micro ways that life has communicated
that. If we all don't want that for
them, the best shot we have, we got to
be airtight here. this family. We have
to be an oozing sea of black love, of
Asian love. We have to not just be quiet
about it because the world is being
quiet about it. Literally, you don't
hear about it. You don't see it
constantly put in front of you. the ways
in which I know my children have adopted
white supremacist thoughts at the age of
three because that's just subliminally
what they see all day long. And I had to
be very mindful about that as a parent.
We can't watch all that content with
this same person, always in the hero
role, always the one who saves the day,
the smart one, the interesting one, the
funny one, the athletic one. We cannot
watch that story over and over about the
same kind of person, especially because
you're not that kind of person. And the
best thing that I can do for you is just
give you different stimuli and make sure
the family knows and they're in on it.
And they compliment you specifically
about the things they know the world is
going to question you on. They give you
love and praise and ammunition and that
fundamental knowledge. And we all have
to be in on this together mindfully. So
family, I need you to be buying black
Barbies for these children. that will be
so meaningful to them and to me to us
what we're trying to do. I need you to
be mindful of the music and the movies
and the things that you put in front of
them and of the language that you're
using because we all are on this same
time, right? We want them to live the
life that you live, right? Not having to
think about it and go through life with
that type of extra burden. And when
everybody gets to that place, then we
have a safer space too for everyone not
just to think that, but for that to be
the truth. that just takes a lot of
effort. And so I think that you're right
in acknowledging that this is the effort
it's going to take. And I'm sorry that
it took for you to be having children to
acknowledge that because you needed this
care all along. They had to have been
doing this for you. They should have
already been making these kinds of
considerations for you, asking these
kinds of questions. And I'm sorry that
you exist in a space where they don't
even think to do that because they don't
necessarily have to tell their story
again because it's always being told. So
they just kind of assume that your story
is their story, right? And they never
really got curious about you. And so you
kind of learned to maneuver along in
this space that was too tight, too
inconsiderate, too walled off for you to
actually fully exist in. But you did it
because there was love on the other
side. And that's beautiful. And I'm not
discounting that love at all. And maybe
the two of you have this beautiful
system where he understands your
blackness and he understands you um in a
different way. So, I I'm just
acknowledging that that's what you've
needed. You've always needed this
discussion and now you're going to do it
on behalf of your kids and it's going to
be really helpful and healing for
everyone involved. I'm a black man
dating a black queen, but daily I watch
POG, which stands for [music] perfect
ass white girl. I'm just prepping for
the day that she finds out and I'm not
going to know what to say. So [music]
Shan, I'm hoping that you have the
words. Okay.
Hypothetical day comes where they search
your computer. Sounds like you're a
clear history kind of porn watcher. So
maybe they just searched it on a day
that you were under the weather. You're
off your game. They search your
computer. They see your search history.
They click video after video of you
watching porn that centers the sexiness,
desiraability,
camera worthiness of an ass that is very
different from hers.
She sees this. She doesn't see herself
reflected back in your porn consumption
habits
and she makes a deduction.
Is my partner really attracted to me?
Are they just doing what they think is
right for others? Are they doing this
out of pity?
Do they even find people who look like
me beautiful? Damn.
Damn.
So, this person's having that experience
and you want to know what do you say
next?
You say
sex is a place that you go where it's
complete freedom to express the various
identities, thoughts, conflicting
emotions,
curiosities
that you have. Very expansive space.
It's a representation of everything that
could possibly happen in a moment.
Screaming at the highest pitch or being
dead silent and all that making sense.
thrashing around violently or slowly
crying in unison with someone else. The
range of possibilities is so expansive
and so some people's relationship to sex
is an exploration of that expansiveness.
But you can create containers
that are healthy.
You can create containers or just uh
outlets for for each desire to have its
space. Doesn't mean it has to be in the
real world. So if you have an interest
in white women because honestly you've
never actually wanted a white partner,
you have it.
There's a level of humor. It's just
culture, food, music, knowledge,
understanding, experience,
shared networks and communities and
friends that you just get from a black
woman that's amazing to you. so hot and
she's so sexy to you and she's
everything to you and so you don't
really actually think about being with a
white woman, you know, long term, but
you wonder what it would be like and
then you go through a period of time
where you wonder a lot and it becomes
kind of this weird thing that you do
because you're like, I don't want this,
but I I like this. And so you keep
watching it just the same way that
women, you know, escape to a fantasy
world that depicts maybe the certain
kind of male character. She doesn't want
that guy more. It's just a different
reality to play with. It's a different
version of herself that she even gets to
pretend to be in her head. She doesn't
want to be that person in real life. But
in this world, in this contained world,
yeah, it's kind of fun to think of her
with the 6'7,
11 in, two toilet paper roll thick dude.
Like, that's kind of fun. And that
brings out a different energy in her
when she reads books and thinks of
herself with that guy. She doesn't want
to be that. She has this amazing life.
She can't. That version doesn't make
sense in this world. And this world is
the best world. It's the best world.
That's why I'm choosing to live in this
one. I could do so many different
things. I am making a billion choices
each day which align me with this exact
moment, this exact lifestyle.
Sometimes we make those choices out of a
place of trauma or confusion or repress
repression or psychosis and that's true.
But for most of us, we're in the life
that we chose because this is who we
choose to be. That's beautiful. You can
play in your mind. That doesn't mean
that you want to play in reality.
This is the conversation that you have
with your partner and then you affirm
them and you say, "I actually think it
sucks that we haven't had conversations
like this before so that you didn't have
to have this as your entry point cuz I
wanted you to just to know from the jump
that I just choose you in every possible
iteration of what could be. I choose
reality with you." But I I have
experimental thoughts. Not because you
want to do it, just because it's like
there's a version of you that you could
see in a different light that you're not
you're not there. Why not? I'll play
with that. I'll explore it. It's fun.
It's the only place I get to do that.
It's like it's kind of interesting. It
lets me get to know myself more. Grounds
me more in my reality or a million
different other reasons. But I'm just
saying that that conversation that
allows you both to just acknowledge that
um sex is big and wide and deserves a
lot more conversation than what we have
about it. I think we're we're deeply
limited when we say talk about sex. Most
people think protection. They think uh
here's what I like, what I don't like.
here's my boundaries and here's what sex
toys I'm willing to purchase and what
I'm willing to do on a Friday if I get
really drunk. It's just so much more
than that. It's humanity,
fragility, power,
submission,
chaos,
calm.
It's like all those things. And so all
those conversations deserve to go with
it. And if it doesn't, and if you don't
have those kinds of conversations, then
things like this can be really hurtful
and again a very shocking entry point
into conversations like this. And
whenever something starts with a
traumatic base, that's a pretty bad
starting line. So, you want to avoid
that at all cost
because it's a beautiful conversation to
have, but you don't want to start it in
an ugly way that has long-term impacts.
popping in to show some love to the
sponsor of this video, Squarespace. Now,
if you guys have seen my latest website,
you know that there are a lot of moving
pieces, a lot of moving parts, which
means a lot of money. Save yourself all
of that. Get everything you need in one
spot with Squarespace. You deserve to
have a growing, thriving business that's
not overly complicated. So, how do you
do that? With Fluid Engine, the next
generation website editor from
Squarespace has never been easier for
anyone to unlock unbreakable creativity.
Choose your website starting point and
customize every design detail with
reimagined drag and drop technology.
Squarespace blueprint AI and SEO tools.
Start a completely personalized website
with new guided design system
Squarespace Blueprint. Then easily
launch your site and get discovered fast
with integrated optimized SEO tools so
you show up more often to more people
and grow the way that you want. Next,
let's talk about flexible payments. Make
checkout seamless for your customers
with simple but powerful payment tools.
And in eligible countries, offer
customers the option to buy now and pay
later with Afterpay and Clear Pay. You
already know this part, but I'm going to
say it anyway. Check out squarespace.com
to get yourself a free trial to play
around. And once you've fallen in love
with what you've built and the way and
ease that you can build it, go to
squarespace.com/shamooty
for 10% off the purchase of a website or
a domain. That's
squarespace.com/shambooty.