Seemingly Perfect Family Review - I Hate Myself

Don't you hate it when a family seems seemingly perfect, but then once you step foot in the house, you realize that's not the case. So then, I don't know how they ever seem seemingly perfect. But that's the title of the film I'm going to be reviewing today, if you want to call it a film. It's more of an outof body experience. It's also trending number one on Netflix. Now, Netflix does not have a very good track record with me, meaning they make some of the worst piles of crap I've ever seen in my life. But the queen of melodrama is back, baby. Lifetime. I watched a good chunk of Lifetime movies back in the day. It's how I bonded with my mom. It was It was very fun. We'd watch a bunch of shocking things happen. There'd be twists and turns, and at the end, you might shed a tear or two. I mean, not me. I was born dead inside. But here we are all these years later. Lifetime has returned just when we needed her most with a thing on Netflix called Seemingly Perfect Family. Let's talk about it right now. Before I get into the review, which will be full of spoilers because this movie sucks ass. I would encourage you to subscribe to the show Adam does movies. I'm Adam. I I do the movies. It's free of charge. It doesn't cost you a single scent and I would appreciate it. All right. What we have here is a 90inute TV14 rated flick. It's TV 14, meaning 14 and up, but I'm pretty sure a 5-year-old could watch this and nothing shocking would take place. Not that a 5-year-old or a 50-year-old should watch this because again, it blows ass. We're going to be following a freshly crowned 18-year-old Lexi Murdoch. It's her birthday when we start the movie. Happy birthday to me, she mutters to herself, feeling bad. I love characters that feel bad for themselves. They should make a Lifetime movie about me cuz I always feel bad for myself. Lexi currently resides at an orphanage, but she's only going to have one more week to get out of there because they're kicking her ass over to a hostel. Does this movie take place in Europe? I didn't know there was hostiles in America. It doesn't matter. This whole movie takes place on the back lot of whatever studio would muster up a little bit of space for Lifetime. Does Lifetime have their own studio lots? Unclear. I didn't even know Lifetime still existed up until this movie came out. Lexi overhears her friend Jasmine talking to some other girls about how she has a perfect opportunity to become a nanny for the Sterling family. It turns out Jasmine, pretty girl who ruined her face with a stupid bull ring, has a really great opportunity. And in order to get that opportunity, she lied to the family about her credentials. She says she's been nannying for families right when she jumped out of the womb. She's that good. And so she has a meeting with the Sterling family at a restaurant to kind of go over her portfolio, win them over, and then boom, she's out of the orphanage and inside their house. Or at least that's what Jasmine was hoping would happen. But Lexi jumps the gun, takes advantage of the situation by texting her friend from an unknown number because that's something you can apparently do. News to me. She pretends to be the Sterings and says, "Hey, we're going to have to reschedu. We just don't have time to fit you in right now." Resched, short for reschedule, of course. But Lexi, that crafty minkx, is going to take that meeting herself, pretend to be her friend Jasmine, and then quickly tell the family that she actually goes by her middle name, Lexi. Weird, but it worked. The family's impressed with her. They invite her to stay in the house and become the inhome nanny. And this place is a beautiful mansion. And it's got cameras all over except for on the outside of the house, I guess. Even though most common peasants have a Ring camera on their front door, let alone the back door of this freaking compound THEY'RE LIVING IN. COME ON. I mean, maybe they have cameras outside the perimeter, too, but they never seem to use them. As later in the movie, Jasmine's going to break into the home, and nobody seems any the wiser about it. Granted, they could be playing koi. We just don't know because this movie is so stupid and builds nothing up in an interesting way. I also don't know how much time goes by with Lexi staying at this house. Could be a day, could be a week, could be a year. All I know is this. The minute she steps inside that house, this seemingly perfect family never is seemingly perfect. The husband and wife appear to hate each other. And the wife certainly hates Lexi. She is such an over-the-top character of a person. Her name is Chelsea Sterling and she wants nothing to do with Lexi. She's basically from Dave Fun saying, "Listen, [ __ ] You better watch that kid like a hawk 24/7 cuz I'm watching you 24/7. Probably could cut out the middleman and just raise the kid myself, BUT I'M A IMPORTANT BUSINESSWOMAN." And the husband, Daniel, is super creepy. He's always like, "Hey, Lexi, let's be back. Come on, bring it in for a hug, sweetie. You're 18, right? It doesn't really matter. Uh, yeah. I like this. This feels right. Let's take a photo together. Honey, could you take a photo of me with the the hot young chick? Perfect. We're We're a family here. After a series of red flags, Lexi still not convinced this is a [ __ ] show of a place to be living in. Until that night when the couple starts loudly yelling in the other room right down the hall. Chelsea's walking around with her Chardonnay. You just want to bang this chick. Just admit it. As it throws the glass at him, it shatters. Honey, honey, honey, KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN. I will not keep my VOICE DOWN. ACTING. OH, by the way, the acting in this is really bad. Kind of, I suppose, par for the chorus with a lot of Lifetime movies, but this is we're we're just peak levels of cringe in this thing. Typically in any story I've ever seen play out on film, you showcase the talents of the individual that's moved into the home. How she's great with the little Tikeke, the baby Bo, I think his name is B. We don't see a lot of B. He's going to be sleeping through this entire film. We never see Lexi do anything as a nanny outside of just say, "Yeah, he's down for a nap again. This kid's sleeping 24/7. My god, someone should be concerned about baby Bose sleeping. We never see her feed the kid. We never see her rock the baby to sleep. We don't see her like tidy up the house. The only thing we see this woman do is saddle the kid around to maybe two different locations where she sets the baby down and walks away for a little bit. Perfect nanny. But Daniel's incredibly impressed with her work ethic. She's one of the best in the business. That's why they hired her. Chelsea Sterling is not so easily impressed though, and so she's going to set up a little trap by leaving some important documentation that she needed at work on the table by the front door, thereby making poor Lexi trapes it over to her office with the baby in hand. What pretel was the purpose of this? Well, it was so that Lexi could get to the building and meet Marcus, the charming ladies man, who's the gayest straight guy I've ever seen on film. Hey, Lexi, good to meet you. My My favorite scene in this whole movie is when Chelsea's peekab-booing around the corner of the door and she's seeing these two exchange numbers. She does a little rapid tap on the door frame as she leaves. It's all going according to plan. Wipe out. What was the reason for this? Well, it's simple. She wants to make her husband jealous because she knows this piece of [ __ ] only wants Lexi in the house so he can have his way with her, which of course never happens because nothing happens in this movie. Now, even though things are going very well for our protagonist right now, outside of the fact that she's living in this incredibly toxic house, a seemingly perfect house, you know, her friend from the orphanage, Bull Ring McGee, shows up at night, breaks into the house. Well, actually the door was unlocked because they're rich and have no security. And she throws out a little blackmail. She says, "Listen, [ __ ] If you don't give me a cut of this money, I'm going to tell them that you're not who you say you are, and you're just a great big phony. You lied to get this job, which is what I was going to do, and that's not cool. Also, I'm going to take this vase with me." Some people say, "Vos, I think they're stuck up dicks." It's a vase. It's coming with me. Good luck explaining that one. The next day, Chelsea, of course, notices the Voss, that's how Chelsea would say it, is missing. Lexi, having the entire night to think about what she would say if this came up, perfectly executes an excuse. Um um I um I'm a [ __ ] Um I I broke it. I was rocking the little baby and I I hit the bookshelf, which shot the man into the trap and he went down and it hit the bowling ball. across the room and then you know mouse trap. It broke and then I cleaned it up and I threw it away somewhere where you couldn't find it and I didn't tell you cuz I didn't think you'd know. What an amazing excuse. Brava. Lexi is not the sharpest tool in the shed though. Everything she says is incredibly awkward. She stutters a lot. She looks down a lot. She's just unsure of herself, which makes for a really fun protagonist to follow. Now, with a couple of chess pieces on the board, I'm thinking to myself, okay, how's Marcus going to come back into the picture in the future? He's not. He never comes back outside of I think maybe one more runin later. Um, you know, they have a nice little meal over the weekend at a pizza place. One that Daniel suggested because their second car was in the shop. Lexi had to get a ride over there with an Uber or whatever, a ride share. And so her and Marcus start to have a nice little conversation when uh here comes [ __ ] Daniel. He's in here and he sees them. Oh, hey, you know, funny I ran into you here. I felt like taking up my own suggestion, getting a getting a box of Zah to go. Oh, anyway. Yeah, fun. Wild times. For some reason, this cues Marcus up to have to go wash his hands. Excuse me, gals. I need to go wash up before I eat. which gives Daniel the perfect window to swoop in and tell Lexi that this Marcus character, he's a bit of a ladies man and he gets a bit handsy at times, so you better tread [ __ ] lightly. Well, I don't know about you, but if a super creepy husband tells me that I shouldn't be with some guy, I'm going to take his word for it. And so, she gets out of their toot suite, hitches a ride home with Mr. Sterling, who doesn't take her home at all. Instead, they go over to his private hanger and take a ride on the Cessna. This is good oldfashioned foreshadowing, folks, because he's going to teach her how to fly a plane, which is nothing more than, you know, holding on to the little wheel and moving it a little bit at a time. She's now a certified pilot, as far as I'm concerned. Now, before I get way too out there, I want to point out this movie is based on a true story. That's what it claims. What true story? Unclear. I spent five full seconds googling this thing and even Google goes, "Yeah, I don't I don't know that that anything can be based on a true story. You tying your shoes could be a true story about a monster attack as long as there's a guy tying his shoe at some point in the film, right? I mean, that that's where we're at now. And it makes sense that this is just very loosely based on some bull crap because nothing in this movie adds up at all. It's so stupid. And by the time any sort of crazy stuff happens, we only have about 20 minutes left of this thing. And by crazy, I mean the most barebones lame crap possible. So, here's how this is going to play out. Chelsea is going to start snooping around the house. She goes into Lex's room, goes under the bed, and finds a bunch of letters from her mom who's in prison. Yeah. Mhm. Yeah. It turns out Lexi's a liar because when they asked about her mom, she said she's insecurity and away right now. I don't know what that means. She's insecurity and the dumbass wife and husband. I mean, I get why the husband doesn't care cuz he just wants to, you know, play house or something with this chick. But the mom's not going to ask a follow-up. Oh, security like what is she in the FBI? CIA? She a government official? A cop? What What does that mean? But by security, she meant a maximum security as in the prison. Now, I don't know what kind of prison her mom's in, but she's making calls. She's hoping to get out here pretty, you know, toot sweet. She's she's done her time and now she wants to be a great Why is she in prison? Unclear, probably for just being a lady. Now that Chelsea knows that this 18-year-old has lied about every aspect of her life, it's time to confront her. And that's what they do. The Sterlings approach Lex in the kitchen. I call her Lex now. I feel that we have that relationship. And they say, "What's going on? Why are you lying to us?" Lexi breaks down. She cries and she is told that she has to get out of this house by the end of THE NIGHT. I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND MY BABY. SPEAKING OF BABY, WHERE THE hell is the baby? We've we've not seen him like at all. I also love in this movie, they do close-up shots of the kid. Clearly, they they had all of like 2 minutes to get some reactions from the baby on set. So, they just put the camera locked in, had the baby cry, and make some faces. And then they will just sparsely use this throughout the movie. Anytime they need a reaction shot, it's always the same shot. It's perfect. Yeah, Lex's got to go. It's been a good run with this seemingly perfect family. She goes upstairs to start packing her things when the mister of the house comes up and says, "Lex, we love you. I don't want to see you go. I understand why you did what you did. I made the wife calm down. She's going to give you a couple more days until we can find a replacement. She's leaving anyways on some big business conference trip thing. I'm definitely not going to kill her and put her in the freezer in the basement. It's all good, sweetie. All right. Slaps her on the ass, walks out. He doesn't do that, but he definitely gives her a creepy vibe to a point where she's obviously going to stick around still. The next morning, I imagine the wife was dead, but nope, she's still there. She really is, I guess, getting ready to leave. But before she goes, she has to grab some Christmas stuff from the basement. Or maybe it's Halloween stuff. Who cares? But because she doesn't trust Lexi in the slightest, she's going to switch rolls with her. She's going to take Lex's job, which is to go to the grocery store and grab some food. I'm pissed off here. And this never comes back up again because nothing really adds up or comes back around again. Daniel gives her the grocery list and then asks if she can add applesauce to it because the baby likes it. Lexi makes a mental note which completely flies out of her head instantly because when the mom grabs the grocery list, she asks Lexi if this is everything. Lexi says yes. SHE DOESN'T BRING UP THE APPLESAUCE. Maybe she already wrote it on the list. I don't think so, though. And that bothered me. Maybe it's worth rewatching that scene. It's absolutely not worth rewatching any part of this this thing. Okay, so the mom leaves, dad's gone, and Lexi's going to go downstairs and get whatever she's supposed to get, not noticing the little trip wire the dad had placed across the steps, causing her to trip, roll down a few flights, and land onto the hard concrete, knocking her out for what I imagine was uh several hours because I don't know how much time goes by ever in this movie. The dad eventually comes back home, looks around for his little sweet nugget, can't find her, and then gets scared that she is the one that fell down the steps. Worst case scenario came true. She got injured. Thankfully, since she's such a dumbass, she doesn't remember tripping over like a secret wire. And she's put in the hospital overnight because she has a very serious, very lifethreatening check notes, small sprain. What? She's hooked up to all these things. It's hilarious. They're treating it like some horrific thing has mangled her body. And she comes back like freaking Michael Scott from The Office when he burns his foot on a George Foreman grill. just, you know, she's got her crutch and she's limping around. That limp, by the way, is going to recover greatly in just a couple of hours. While she was at the hospital, though, something tragic has taken place. One of the greatest actresses to ever dawn the small screen is killed. Well, her character is killed. Daniel Sterling finds a hard object in the room and knocks his wife to the ground and then a couple more times bludgeons her to death. Good night, sweet princess. It's been a long day without you, my friend. Now that we're all caught up to speed, Lexi comes home with her crutch on. She still opts to stay up in the bedroom upstairs, which seems ideal when she's caring for this baby because she takes about 5 minutes to go up this flight. Granted, the baby just sleeps. It's possible the baby's dead. I don't know. And then the wheels fully come off. When she suspects that the wife has been murdered, she calls up Marcus for clarification. He says, "Yeah, I mean, it's weird that she didn't show up, but she told me via text that she has an important business client meeting thing, so I think it's fine, girlfriend. I'm now out of this movie. Bye." That's all the intel she needs. She packs her bag. She's ready to go. But before she can leave, Mr. Sterling's at the door. He knocks her out and chains her into the basement. Okay, we have finally hit the film I was promised. She's going to be down here for weeks, months, years, possibly having to raise this baby under the guise of a seemingly perfect family. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. It's a day. It's not even a day. It's like four or five hours as far as I'm concerned. A series of unfortunate events are going to take place. Lemony Snickicket. First off, Bull Ring McGee is back sneaking into the house again. Do money, please. She's going around the house in the middle of the night. Lexi can see all this stuff because Mr. Sterling put a camera down there that she can access as well so that they feel like they're a big happy family or something bizarre. Anyway, she sees her and then boom, Mr. Sterling enters the picture and he starts giving chase to Bull Ring. Now, there's a big island in the kitchen. And all I'm thinking is, I don't care how big you are, the weight difference. There's a big island you can kind of run in circles around for a while until you bust out a dodge. But no, instead Bull Ring decides in her infinite wisdom to run to the master bedroom, I suppose, so that Lexi can get a show in the basement as she's going to have front row tickets to see her friend get choked out. What an exciting sequence this was. But we're not done yet. After a nice night sleeping in the basement, ding dong, her mother, who's now out of prison, shows up at the house looking for her daughter. Because Mr. Sterling is the least convincing psychopath ever, the mom is very suspicious that her daughter's in trouble. So, she waits around the corner in her vehicle for Sterling and company to take off. And take off they do. Over to the hanger. This leads to the gripping finale of the film, the crescendo, if you will, where he forces baby and babysitter to get into a Cessna and they take to the sky where they're going to fly out to some remote island and live out their best days. Using superpower mother intuition, she knows best, sees the plane leave and quickly scrambles to call 911 finally. Just then, the business partner of the CESA place shows up and she tells the older guy what's happened. AND HE'S LIKE, "WHAT? NO. ARE YOU cr stealing kidnapping? What? No. Not Sterling." They get on the horn with the plane. Bluebird 69. How are we feeling today? Uh, just wondering if there's a kidnapping in progress. Over. At that very moment up in the plane, Lexi makes a deathdeyed decision to go for the gun that's sitting on the lap of Mr. Sterling with the barrel pointed at his dick. I kid YOU NOT. WHAT would have been amazing if she just grabbed the gun and pulled THE TRIGGER AND blew that thing off. But instead, she grabs it, points it at him, and goes, "Land the plane, mister." Which he replied with a no. Hits her, grabs the gun. There's a little bit of a fight that takes place. They show the outside of the plane like bouncing around like a freaking Tiny Tunes episode of a cartoon. And because of the bouncing, Sterling hits his head on the ceiling and gets knocked out. Now is when Lex's perfect flying skills come into use. Old man pilots still on the radio with her. All right, sweet cheeks. I need you to grab the penis and pull this hog in. The penis. Oh, I'm sorry. That's a That's flight. That's flight terms. Uh, grab the wheel. The wheel. She grabs the wheel. Eases her down. Oh, yeah. There's a baby in the back. I forgot because the baby is so completely useless in this film. He sleeps through the whole thing. And she lands that bird like it was nothing. This part's hilarious because the mom and the old guy who know that she's in trouble stay their distance and are like, "Yay, we did it. We landed the plane." Instead of sprinting with all their might over to make sure she's fine. Just then Mr. Sterling wakes up very groggy. This guy is not a fun sleeper. He attempts to lunge at the woman and boom, she shoots this some [ __ ] with the gun and gets out of that plane, leaving the baby behind as she always does. But then she remembers. She's like, "Oh god, the baby. Oh god." And that's the movie. Cops never show up. Guess that was their day off. The film mercifully comes to a close with Lexi giving the baby to some couple. I don't even remember. At that point, I was just so checked out of this film. I did not care. But the baby is safe. Lexi goes, "This kid is amazing. All he does is sleep. Perfect baby." And they look down like, "Yeah, this kid's dead." And the credits roll. The baby didn't die. But again, no life to the kid whatsoever. And there you have it. A shitty Lifetime movie. Naturally, the number one trending streamer right now on Netflix. It's a match made in hell. Bad acting, cheesy dialogue, horrible story, virtually zero thrills or stakes to be found, no suspense, cinematography, just very, you know, like colorful and bright. It looks like a Hallmark movie. Uh, Lifetime movies used to have way better production values. They they did look cinematic at one point in time. This does not. So, it's just an all-around complete waste of time. And I'm not surprised it's doing well because everything in life is a miserable pile of [ __ ] Well, there you have it. The Seemingly Perfect Family. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. Did you love this one? Do you think, "Wow, what a roller coaster ride. I've never seen a movie before." Please put it in the comments. Think of liking and subbing to the show. Adam does movies. I post tons of movie reviews almost every day. It's I just really have no life. It's amazing. And hopefully I see you for the next one or two. All right, that's all I got. Take care. Thanks again for watching the video. If you didn't know, I'm a oneman operation here at Adam Doesmov. I also have a full-time job. I got a family to take care of. And I would absolutely love if you supported me on patreon.com/adamdosmov like these beautiful people did here. These are the silver and gold members. There's also a bronze membership starting at $1, plus access to over 300 videos from the Atom vault at any support level. I would really appreciate it. It's the best way to support the show. Hope to see you there.