Scared of Marriage but Willing to Take on Student Debt for $50K a Year

Why is it so hard to tell women that hello? >> Hi. >> How are you? >> I'm getting you. >> Good. How old are you? >> I'm 20 28. >> Okay, dokey. We're talking about keeping versus getting or getting versus keeping. >> Okay. >> let's do this. What do you got? >> Well, I feel like in the black community us black women we definitely have a problem with being vulnerable and being submissive when the time is right with a guy. So, it's hard to keep somebody when you're constantly bucking at them. You can't let a man be a man and you're trying to take that role as well. So, I agree with that. >> Um were you raised with your mother and father or just were you raised with a one parent like most of us? >> Um in the beginning for my first couple of years it was my mom and my dad. >> Mhm. >> And then they separated. So, it was more of a co-parenting type thing. >> And do you have any siblings? >> Yeah, two older brothers and now two younger sisters. >> Okay. So, um would you like to be married one day? >> Yeah. >> Are you sure? >> Um it's I only say it like that because again in today's day and age it's very complicated. Not a lot of people are getting serious like that. >> See, I'm always my detector go goes off on high alert when I hear women saying to this day and age. >> Why? >> Because you're evolutionary evolved to be what you are regardless of the day and age. Can a female of the species survive without the group? No. Women need men. >> I agree. >> So, is it that you don't want to be married are you afraid? >> I'm afraid to get married again because of >> That. So, what are you afraid of? >> I wouldn't say the trials and tribulations, but that is part of it. Because >> Okay. >> I have seen what my mom went through. >> Okay. >> And >> Now >> I've always based off like what >> What they were going through? >> coming up, I wanted to do the opposite and become the opposite and >> Do you now, without getting too personal, >> Mhm. >> uh were your mother and father situation money motivated? Was it like the most people? Or was there like domestic violence? Were there was really violence or drugs or anything involved? >> Um I could say it was a mixture of financial problems. >> Okay. >> Um and also infidelity. >> Okay. With all due respect, this is why I think women go awry. I said it before. That's none of the child's place. >> It's really not. >> But >> But how do you how do you know But my thing is unless you walked in on your your your mother or father with somebody, you wouldn't know they're cheating. If there's money problems, why do you know if they didn't share that with you? >> And and I was going to say that unfortunately it was shared with me and I did not ask for that information. >> Which parent So did your mother share with you? >> Mhm. >> Your father did? >> Mhm. >> Okay. Um And see, this is the burden of sharing this kind of stuff with kids. You said they were co-parents. Did your mother remarry? >> No, my dad married definitely. >> Okay. >> But my mom didn't. >> So the person that had who had infidelity, was it your father or your mother? >> It was my dad. >> Okay. But he remarried. >> Yeah. >> How did you find out about the infidelity? Who told you that? >> My dad. >> Okay. Did he tell you that that is the reason that they're no longer married? >> Mhm. >> All right. So, I'll give a little leeway. A parent has to give a reason why the kids are divorced. I wouldn't get down to that level of detail, but your father remarried. Your mother, did she Did you ever see her dating anybody? >> Yeah, and um >> No? Yes? >> I did. I I definitely did, and that was kind of the problem for me growing up. >> Meaning? Her boyfriend? >> What I What I seen, it wasn't a great example. So, I Again, so I tried to just do the opposite of what I seen, and >> Okay. Well, >> tried to stay away from what >> One One big problem is people in this generation involve kids in grown folks' business, and they put you in So, this is where therapy comes into it. But, here's the reality. Your mother and father's problems don't sound like anything that you can't find in any neighborhood in this world. >> Exactly. >> Or Or any time period in history. If you don't get married, uh 28, did you go to college? >> Yes. >> What's your degree in? >> Business administration. I'm going for my bachelor's next. >> Okay. So, what are you planning on doing for a profession? >> Um I want to work in a recording label as in the marketing team. That's what I'm going for my bachelor's for marketing and >> Okay. So, how much money How much do you think you will earn annually at the height of your career? >> At the height? I would hope Mhm. I would hope at least Mhm. Over 50,000 a year. I would hope. >> Okay. >> [clears throat] >> I ran a I ran a simulation. That if a woman Grant was working a a making $50,000 a year. From 25 to age 55. No stops, no breaks, and received a cost of living raise 3% every year. 25 to 65. And she retired at 65. And had a life expectancy to 85. That means she had to live 20 years. That woman would be would have a shortfall of almost $800,000 in her retirement. It's going to take $2.9 million to live from 65 to 85. What I'm saying, young lady, is you're going to college and doing all this work to get a middle-income job. And if you don't marry, who's going to pay your bills and help you in your in your golden years if you don't have a husband, insurance, children? Because dogs can't do it, and girlfriends can't do it. So, the fear of being married marriage I need you and I need women to hear it. If you are a an average earner, marriage is not an option. It is a necessity. And it has been marketed to you as an option to be chosen to not do out of fear. Well, then what's the option after you're 45 and you're just making $50,000 a year? That ain't no That ain't no money. >> You know it's not. So, I know I I completely agree. I believe in there needs to be a man in the house and there needs to be gender roles. I believe in all of that. It's just scary. >> I don't No, what should be scary >> is doing it alone. >> No, what should be scary is trying to live from 65 to 85. You will need $2.9 million. I need you to understand how big of a number that is. Older women older people cost more. >> True. >> Your insurance, your medications, all these things you cost more. So, what should be scary is the notion of if I don't have a husband then you what are you going to do? Go live with your girlfriend or your sister? Cuz you're going to have to and that's what's happening right now. Women are starting to end up living with other women. >> And I was just I was watching your live and I said that to my friend. I was like I was saying a lot of day and nowadays a lot of people just rather roommate and it's it's weird. >> Well, the Well, it's because you ladies are the ones that have the Our divorce rate in our community is approaching 60%. But almost 90% of divorces in the black community are filed by black women. 80% of divorces are filed by women. Women are not staying in relationships anywhere. When a divorce happens, it's usually the woman filing. And why are women filing? Because you've been told that it's life is better single or you can have other options. But if the way you've talked about it, you're afraid of marriage. I want a world to where women like you are far more afraid to be single living on cat food. >> Yeah. I'm afraid of both honestly, but I'm more afraid of being by myself for sure. >> All right. Well, if that's the case, then what are you doing to overcome your negative programming in your childhood and your because at 28 years old, man, you are firmly in the danger zone. >> Yeah, I know. >> You're going to hit the wall in 2 years and you don't Time is starting to run out. >> I I know. I was just telling my friend that. >> Your friend, but I'm talking to you. I can't talk so This is why I talk about the danger zone. This is when you ladies need to really get real crystal clear on what you want and do something about it because at 35 options start getting taken off the table. >> They do. >> Yeah. >> I am dating >> it I've said it before. Have you ever seen the show called The Golden Girls? >> No. >> Okay, you're dating who? Go ahead. >> I'm I'm dating someone right now. He does live in a different state. But um >> When was the last time you had a relationship? >> About 5 years ago. >> That's not acceptable. >> I know. I didn't really want to say it. >> relationship How old is the man out of state? >> He's younger than me. >> Then it then obviously it's not real. You're playing. And I And this is why I'm being very serious. You don't have time to play. This is not a joke to me. It's not a game to me. I'm looking at another statistic. Another black woman who is likely going to be unmarried, no children, no family. Another not made family because you ladies You said you're going to go to college, right? >> Yes, I'm going for my bachelor's. >> To go make $50,000 in marketing. >> Mhm. I would feel like that I would probably start with that. Now that I look back at it. >> No ma'am. No. No ma'am. No. Marketing doesn't pay any No mark I come from I come from corporate sales. Marketing You need to See this is what I mean. Black Remember what I black man when I said when black women don't know what to do they run to school? School is the black woman's husband if the if the job ain't. That's where y'all run. You run to school like it's a like it's God. Like it's I'm going to hide in school. Go spend money to get a degree in communications and marketing which is a worthless degree. >> Is it? >> It's worthless. Science, engineering, technology, man. Business administration, business marketing, business administration, business management, marketing, communications, all worthless. You go get an entry-level job somewhere that's paying about $30,000, $35,000 entry-level at 30 years old. But you got to go into debt to do that. >> True. >> So, I'm I am more disturbed that black women have been told that that that makes the most sense to go into college debt than to go make get your head right and become a wife and find a husband. Y'all prepared to live life alone. That's what you're doing, whether you admit it or not. I got a I had a relationship for 5 years. I got a long distance relationship. I'mma go to college so I could use college as a shield to keep men away from me. And I am going to and then I'll say I'm busy doing this so-called recording job making $50,000 a year, and you look up and you're 50 years old. And when the >> No, I I I Now that you say it, it's it's >> But the fact that the fact of the matter is I'm saying it, and I'm the only person that's saying The Golden Girls. Four elderly women. >> I've seen that. Okay, I've never watched the show, but I definitely know it. >> this is the I'mma break this down tomorrow. This is this is the uh this is black women's future. Because there's absolutely no reason for you for I'mma just say this. Man, what you saw as I can't tell you your pain, but it doesn't sound abnormal. But But to have a But to have you almost it's like black women have relationship anaphylactic shock. To all my medical people, you know what I'm talking about. Black women have anaphylactic shock when it comes to men, black men. Y'all have a hyperallergic react a hyperallergic reaction to commitment with a black man. Anaphylactic shock is when you see somebody get stung by a bee and they die. >> No, I >> That's how y'all tend to act when a marriage or relationship Oh god, I saw something happen. Oh, her husband's going to kill me. So, I'd rather go to college. Thank you for being honest with me, ma'am. You can't You can't avoid rela- Well, >> I >> you want to avoid relationship, you better be making high six figures. >> No, I'm not trying to I'm I'm definitely not trying to avoid it. I'm I'm definitely trying to work through it and get better. >> Well, the thing is I I hear you say that now, but I don't I don't hear anything in your life before this. I hear college and and and and just I watch YouTube videos. Now, I If you were really trying to work to get it better, there'd be counseling, there'd be therapy, there'd be you'd be investing money in trying to get my mind right to understand why I look around and I see my counterparts, my non-black counterparts at my age, and over half of them are married. Even they got little bitty rings on, they're married. >> I even with the therapy, I even spoke with my mom about that and again with the black community, I don't know why, but therapy is looked down upon. So, when I >> You you're You Okay, stop talking to your mama. >> Definitely. Cuz that I know that's one of my problems. I know. I know. I know. >> You're a grown damn woman. Stop talking to your mama. Stop looking for permission to get your together. >> You're right. >> Cuz your mama, due respect, is not >> the one that got remarried. Your father did. So, whether he cheated or not or whatever, he's going about his business. And unfortunately, the world likes y'all single, alone, and and uh spending money. That's the the world likes it that way. So, if you're looking for What did I say? Single women keep women single? It's because the the anaphylactic shock response to to to a marriage. >> Yeah. >> So, it's not the current state of men, it's the current state of women. >> Women. I agree. >> Cuz by your own experience, your dad remarried, right? >> Yes. >> Your mom had the same opportunities out in the market. >> Definitely did. >> All right, I appreciate it, ma'am. >> Thank you. >> Bye-bye. You know, I'm going to I'm going to Bye-bye. I'm going to do I'm going to do a breakdown of The Golden Girls and see to the to the caller before that pre the the one lady before her, that's the kind of conversations we need to be having with younger women. Not this find your chakra and your heart mode and love yourself. Young women are terrified by what they saw their mothers do. Let's get to it. Women hold the power. You don't hold the power. You don't have power in your own lives. Women young women are terrified of men because you're told by your mama or you're told by the culture, written by women, that the men are their issue. Your mothers have put fear into you. Don't get you a job. Love yourself and so and so forth. Single women keep women single. That even going on in the guy's relationship. That young girl was not it wasn't that I'm nervous about the state of marriage. I can see it. I'm scared of marriage. I'm scared of relationship cuz all I've seen is relationships are bad. But yet, I am at best I'm going to be an average earning person making average money. I don't expect to be working at NASA or Procter & Gamble or Google. I'm going to be doing average stuff. That average stuff cannot afford to live one person. Can't afford it. So, So, going to do this Golden Girls breakdown tomorrow because this is going to be important because so many women think multiple streams of income and Yeah, that really bothers me. We tell all this stuff, multiple streams of income and all this instead of saying the multiple you need a multiple day you need a man. You need a man, you need a you need a especially we talk about community. How you going to have community if you have the basic building blocks which are families? Men are scared, too. Believe me. The men are scared, too. None of the none of us None of us none of us learn how to do this stuff. Shout out to Jen London, Esquire. >> [laughter] >> None of us learn how to do this I mean, I've been divorced twice. That's why where's your wife? I don't I'm telling you from a person who's failed at this stuff, but I but you the reason you do better is because you're willing to admit your failures and then go do the work. My relationship y'all never know what I'm doing. Y'all see the kind of I'm going through. I'm not going to subject the nobody in my life to do this do this thing. But obviously, it's helping.