Psychology of Resilience: Build a Mind So Strong It Scares People

You already know that you have to get out of your comfort zone. That's a given. You've known it for years and you've heard it a thousand times in a thousand different ways. But when the moment shows up, when you need to do it, when your chest gets tight and your stomach drops and everything in you says not today, you fold. And so today, I'm going to teach you the actual psychology behind resilience. and not a motivational version of it, but the version of you that you can build that pushes forward when things get harder instead of actually giving in like you have in the past. And so I'm going to give you four things that you can do about it to build your resilience. So let's get into it. So there's a researcher named Mark Siri at the University of Buffalo and he studied thousands of people over many years tracking every hard thing that ever happened to them in their lives. death, illnesses, divorces, job losses, financial disasters, everything hard that goes through someone's life. And when he looked at how those people were doing in their mental health and their overall life satisfaction and how they handled stress when it came up, there's something that you would expect, right? Like the more hardship that somebody went through, the worse outcomes that sometimes happened in their life. That's what you'd expect, right? That's not what he found. What he found was kind of odd. The people who had been through a lot of adversity, like more than normal out of the thousands of people that he studied, were some of them were struggling a little bit more and some of them were not. And that part can kind of make sense. But the real interesting part about it is that the people who had been through no struggle in the time that he was actually researching them, like no hardship, were also struggling as well. So they they had no hardship in their life and they were still struggling in life. They reported more distress and lower satisfaction and they were more knocked around by everyday problems than people who had actually been through real real pain in their life. Think about that for a second. And then as you might think the healthiest group in the entire study were people that were kind of in the middle. They had some hardship but not really hard hardship but not no hardship. And so I want you to understand like everyone thinks they want an easy and comfortable life. They think that's what they're trying to build towards. But according to this research that might actually be the worst thing that you can have, which is just an easy, comfortable life. A life with zero difficulty in it doesn't produce a strong person. It produces a fragile person. Then you have to understand our species wasn't built just to sit back and do nothing and scroll on their phone or watch TV on a couch. We were built for millions of years on searching, seeking, hitting challenges, meeting challenges, overcoming them, and then growing and getting better for them. That is at the core what humans are. And life has only become like quote unquote comfortable and easy for humans in the past like 100 years or so. Our species was built on struggle. Don't believe me? Go back and watch like any documentary on what they went through in like the 1800s, the 1700s, the 1600s. Like you alive right now have a better life than any Roman king ever had 1500, 2,000 years ago. Like your life is exponentially better. And we will be right back. Hey, if you're looking to get to your next level and you realize that it's not another strategy, it's not another book. It is found by you conquering the version of you that's holding yourself back, then you need to be at my live event this December 3rd, 4th, and 5th called Freedom Live. We're going to find out exactly where you want to be in life, why you're not there yet, and then find and break the unconscious patterns, limiting beliefs, and fears that are holding you back and capping your success without you even knowing it. So, if you want to live to your full potential, but you don't know how to break through, this is the event to be at. You can go to freedomlive20206.com or you can go to this QR code. Scan this right here. There's currently a $50 off coupon right now. So, go ahead and scan that and I will see you live in Austin, Texas. And now back to the show. Then there's was. And if you listen to this show, I know the last thing that you want to be is fragile. So let's talk about how to not be fragile and how to actually build the resilience within you. Okay. So when I read that study, it explained something that I had been kind of watching with my clients for over a decade. I've coached people who have built genuinely incredible lives. They have money, business, freedom, the whole thing. And some of them can get through almost anything. And then some people can get completely leveled by things in their life that really should be small and kind of are small. A hard conversation, a rejection, uh one bad quarter in their business. And what I found is because they have tried to like optimize their entire lives to never really feel anything bad, they've basically removed every uncomfortable thing that they could from their life. And when you remove all of the discomfort in your life, it doesn't give you peace. You basically get a lower and lower threshold for basically what you would count as unbearable. And everybody knows that they have to leave their comfort zone to build a better life. They have to leave their comfort zone to get stronger, to become more resilient, to become better, to grow. Nobody has a problem with that in theory. But the problem happens in the actual moment when we have to get uncomfortable because in the moment you don't experience that as growth, you know, you experience it as fear. You experience it as something that's actually wrong. Like your throat tightens, your heart rate climbs, your chest gets kind of like knotted up. And that voice that's in your head that's talking to you is going, "Nope, not it. this is not the moment. We don't want to do this. We need to back away, back off. And let me tell you what that feeling actually is. That feeling is not a warning. We we see it as a signal of danger, warning, do something different. That discomfort that you're feeling is the physical manifestation in your body of your comfort zone. It's literally your body telling you this is the edge. Like this is the edge of what I'm comfortable with. That's it. That's all that it is. It's basically like a border marker. But your nervous system, and this is why we have to become very uh aware of ourselves and we have to start to notice these things and start to be intentional about what we do. Your nervous system in the moment when you're getting outside of your comfort zone is going, "Hey, we're standing at the edge of everything we've ever done, and I don't have any data on this being safe or not. I don't have any data on what is past this." And because I am uncertain what is past this, I'm going to throw up the signal and say, "Turn back. This is danger. This is danger." And that's when usually we fault. What do most people do when they feel that for a second? They turn around. They walk back to where they're comfortable. But if you can remind yourself when you're about to do something like if you're about to go speak publicly and you feel the holy [ __ ] tightening inside of you and you're like hold on there is no danger in actually giving this speech in front of four people that I work with. This is the edge of my comfort zone and I know that I need to get out of my comfort zone just a little bit. And you remind yourself, okay, this is I'm not in danger here. I'm not going to get killed by my co-workers that are sitting in front of me by giving a quick speech. You feel the edge of your comfort zone and you actually push past it. Because most people, they feel the edge of their comfort zone and they treat it as proof that they shouldn't be there. But that feeling is the only signal that you get from your body that you're in the exact place where growth happens. Like you will never expand your comfort zone by sitting in the middle of it. I promise you and even it'd be so much easier and we all think that we'd love to. You won't expand it by just reading a book about it. You won't expand it and get a you get a further comfort zone and become more comfortable with discomfort by just getting a new hack or tactic. Right? The edge is the only place where it moves. So, we must learn to seek discomfort to push the edges of our boundaries just a little bit. We don't have to blow past them. I'll talk about that in just a minute. But just just get a little bit out of it. A little bit out of and just push it just a little bit more and more. Otherwise, you will never become resilient. You will never become resilient if you do not push past the edge of your comfort zone. You have to learn to be uncomfortable long enough for it to start to become comfortable where you are. Your body settles, your nervous system will settle, your mind will settle, you'll become more regulated, and then your body will start to normalize the feeling of being outside of your comfort zone. It'll realize that you're safe. It's going to realize that you're not going to die. And then, and only then, everybody, will that actually start to become normal. Okay? And so, let me give you the four things that you could do to kind of expand yourself and become more resilient. Okay? The first thing is this. I want you to rename the feeling before you're in it. And what I mean by this is like you cannot make the decision in the moment when you're just outside of your comfort zone and your fear signals are screaming at you in the moment. Your nervous system is way faster than your logic. And so you have to decide right now today sitting here listening to this podcast what that feeling of fear actually means to you. That feeling when you're on the edge of the comfort zone and your body's going nope nope nope nope nope back away. Like if you're about to make a cold call, you have to for your business or you have to have a tough conversation and you feel the feeling. You know what I'm talking about. The feeling in your body, don't you? You feel the feeling. What are you going to call that? Like what are you going to believe about that? The old belief was this feeling means stop, turn around, go back. Danger, danger, danger. That's what we all have the old feeling meaning, right? The new belief needs to be that feeling means that I found my edge. It's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. Like we need to figure it out now because in the moment when you feel all the fear, when you're full of fear, your brain just kind of clicks off. So you have to make it stupidly simple for yourself because when you're activated, you don't have access to complex thoughts. When your amydala is activated, which is your fear center of your brain, your brain stops sending as much blood flow to your prefrontal cortex, which is your complex decision-making part of your brain. So, we got to make it stupid simple. So, when it hits, I want you to say one sentence. When you feel the fear, oh my gosh, I got to do this public speaking. I got to make this cold call. I got to have this tough conversation. You feel it coming up inside of your body. Here's the sentence that you say. There it is. Right? That's it. There it is. Right? Because the second that you can bring it out and see it as something that's outside of you as see it as something that's actually beneficial for you. Oh, there it is. There's the feeling I've been looking for to show me that growth is on the other side of this. You go from being inside of the feeling where it's terrible and it's scary to observing the feeling. I want you to observe the feeling because you can't be run by something that you're watching. And I want you to notice that resilient people are not people who don't feel this feeling. They all feel it. Everybody feels the feeling of fear. I hate when people are like, "Oh, here's our fearless leader. [ __ ] That guy's full of fear." It's just maybe he doesn't listen to it like we do. So, they feel it just like you do. They just stopped interpreting it as a red light. So, that's what I want you to understand. That's the first thing. The second thing that I want you to do is do not retreat. just go a tiny bit further. Here's the rule. When you feel that edge, you don't have to do something enormous. You just have to not go backwards. Cuz if you go backwards, you're going back to your old self. You're being loyal to the person that you're trying to grow out of. Just add a little, just 5% more, 10% more, one rep more, just 60 seconds more of sitting in the discomfort and allowing your nervous system to get used to it. just one more sentence in the hard conversation instead of changing the subject. Stay in the sha, you know, the cold shower for 20 seconds more after the moment where you're like, "Get out." Right? Send the message that you've been drafting instead of, you know, drafting it for the fourth time. Just send the damn thing because growth is not in the things that we've done before. It's not in the the quote unquote workout. Like if you think of working out a muscle, your growth is not in the workout. Your growth is in the reps after the moment that you wanted to quit. Right? If you think about it like lifting weights, nobody builds muscle in like the first eight reps of a set. The first eight reps of the set are just the price to of admission to get to the two that actually change you. The two that actually start to destroy the muscle so that it can grow back stronger. Growth happens in the little bit extra. The reps that build the muscle are the ones that are on the other side of I want to stop. Do you get that? The growth of a muscle are the ones that come on the other side of I want to stop. The growth in your nervous system, in your mind, in you, in your resilience are on the other side of I want to stop. Resilience works the exact same way. You guys get it? Working out, resilience, they're same. They're so similar in many different ways. You feel the edge, you just go just a little bit further. Not a lot. Don't blow past it. Just a little bit. Just a little bit today, a little bit tomorrow, a little bit this week, a little bit this month, a little bit this year, a little bit over the next five years. And if we talk about 5 years from today, if you just do this every single day, you have to understand how much this compounds in your life. You're talking about in 5 years, you being in a different place, being a different person, in a different body, with a different mindset years down the road than you are right now. People want everything to happen right now. Life doesn't [ __ ] happen that way. You have to do a little bit more for a long time and then fast forward five years and your life is unrecognizable. But people want everything to happen right now. No, you just have to play the long game. Slow and steady wins the race. Remember when we were kids, the story, slow and steady wins the race. If you do this, you'll be unrecognizable in a few years. So that's number two. Number three, resilience is built by frequency, not intensity. This is where a lot of people screw it up. They hear like seek discomfort and they think they need to jump out of a plane or something. No, please don't jump out of a plane. Right? Jumping out of a plane one time does almost nothing for you. It will not change you because you're not going to repeat it tomorrow and the next day. Resilience is not built by intensity. It's built by frequency. Nobody gets strong by going to the gym and lifting their personal records one time. They get strong by going to the gym four times a week for two years and doing a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. and then they become stronger. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to pick one thing that's mildly uncomfortable and do it every single day this week. Mildly, not terrifying, mildly uncomfortable. The bar is I don't want to do this, but I could do it. Right? That's what I want you to do. Like here's some examples I came up for you, right? Have a conversation that you've been avoiding for 3 weeks. Uh or work out on every single day at 5:00 a.m. because that's not normally what you would do and it's uncomfortable. or you know sit by yourself for 30 minutes bored phone in a different room just sit with yourself 30 minutes today and then the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day and you'll start to notice you become more comfortable with it right start today tomorrow and the next 10 days right say the honest thing instead of the polite thing make a a commitment to yourself do that or here's one of my favorites ask for a 30% discount every time you check out for the next week. A 30% discount when you get coffee, when you go buy a bag, whatever it is, not because you want the discount, but because it feels uncomfortable to ask. Just do one of those every single day for a week. You're trying to become more and more and more okay with discomfort. Discomfort is not something to avoid. Okay. And then number four, maybe the most important part of all this is to keep the receipts. This is a step that a lot of people skip and it might be the most important one, right? So your brain does not automatically remember that you did the hard thing. It'll forget it in 3 days. So you have to make it remember. So at the end of every single day, write down one sentence. Today I did blank and it was outside of my comfort zone. So you're reminding yourself of what it is. Here's why it matters so much. Because on this podcast, I probably told you 100 times. Your brain is like cosmic Google. Whatever you type into it, whatever you ask it, it goes and finds evidence for. And so if you ask like, "Oh, why do I always give up?" It will pull up every single time that you gave up and it'll hand it to you like a report and you'll go, "Oh, I guess just give up. That's just who I am." But if you're writing down every single day what it is that you're doing to get out of your comfort zone, it starts to build an archive that you do hard things. And now when something genuinely hard shows up in your life, the real thing that you've been working towards, right, your brain goes, "Huh, can we handle this?" And it searches into the past, "Yeah, you know what? we can't handle this because you've got 200 entries over the past 200 days that say we can do hard things. That's what resilience actually is at a neurological level. It's not toughness. It's evidence. It's evidence that you've done it before. And that evidence because you have the evidence, you can trust that you can get through something difficult again. And so here's what I want you to write down today. Right? Just two simple questions I want you to answer for yourself. Number one, where in my life have I become too comfortable? and be honest with yourself on that one. Where have you become soft? Right? And number two, what's one small uncomfortable thing I'm going to do every day this week? Write them both down and then go and do the second one today. Not tomorrow. Today, go ask for the 30% discount today when you go get your coffee. Because if if your life is going to change, you know, you know it. You know it. But you are you doing it as a question? You know, you cannot remain the same. You know, you have to change. You have to grow. You have to seek discomfort. No one is coming to change your life. You have to be the one to do it. And I know you know this, but are you actively seeking discomfort to become resilient? Because that is what you need to do to change your life and to change yourself. Hey, thanks so much for watching today's video. If you love this video, click this one right here. This is the one that you need to watch next. And if you want to make sure you don't miss any more of these episodes, click that button right there. 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