Patrice Evra: Learning How To Cry Saved My Life!

For me playing was it was just a dream. It's growing up as a family 24 brother and sister. One breast chicken was for 3 days. Growing up in the street you need to survive. Now when I have those image in my head I could hear him [music] trying to touch me and touching himself in the same time next to the bed. you know, you know, I was even attaching my pajama with my shoelaces because to make sure like he can't put it down and uh one day he did and I was just like terrorized. So that's the things I grew up with like you know I can't cry for me crying was a sign of weakness. When I do a video and I see a comment someone say oh Patrice my dad passed away I watch one of your video and I smile. Thank you. This is more important for me than win the Champions League or the Premier League. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be perfect. I want to be me. [music] Patrice Evra, I've just sat here with him for an hour and a half and at the very end of the conversation, he said something which I think is the perfect description of the man. [clears throat] He referred to himself as an iceberg. I followed him for almost two decades and he was to me this football icon, this tough guy, this defender, this champion. But as he says in this conversation, the part of the iceberg that I never got to see was the most compelling, was the most heartbreaking, and was the most interesting. He grew up in a rough part of France with 24 brothers and sisters. He was sexually abused by his headteer. His brother, a drug addict, overdosed and died. His mother raised him in total poverty to the point where he stole his food, his shoes, and his entertainment. He endured an early upbringing that you would never wish on any child an enemy or anyone at all in any circumstances ever. And he hid it all. He hid it all for his entire life. And only recently has he found it within himself after very personal conversations with his mother to share it with the world. And only today on this podcast has he decided to share some of those heartbreaking details. After watching him on TV for almost two decades, I thought I knew Patrice Ever. This comedian, football champion, funny guy, happy guy. I was wrong. All I knew was the tip of the iceberg. So, without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett and this is the Diary of a CEO. I hope nobody's listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself. [singing] [music] I've sat here with a lot of guests and sometimes I feel obliged to start with their childhoods because it seems like the the foundation of most people, specifically successful people, tends to be the case that the things they go through at an early age, especially with my sort of little background in childhood psychology, tend to shape them the most. But when I read your story in your book that's just come out, um, having watched you on screen as a Manchester United fan for many, many a decade and seen subsequently the guy you were on Instagram, the the hilarious, entertaining person, I never ever would have guessed ever that that was your upbringing, that was your childhood. I would have guessed by the person that I came to know on screen, by the person that I watched on Instagram, I would have guessed the opposite. Take me back. So before you were 10 years old, cuz I know that 10 years old was a really pivotal moment in your life because your father left. Yeah. What was life like before 10? He was an happy happy child. Uh lot of people inside the house. Sometime you have to make sure like you're ready when mom say the the food is ready. Uh he was like sleeping with two of my sibling in the same bed a single bed and you know two was sleeping that way and one on that way sometime it was like some smelly fit but [snorts] we need space and it was all about like sharing but I will tell you something I I was happy you know even if I was like begging in front of shop you know to buy a sandwich I couldn't say in that time I wasn't happy I was like the most happy child but it was like tough and maybe sometime I was just unconscious But of course, I think when my dad left, that's when I was like, okay, I'm not scared of anyone in this house. So now I have to grow up on my own. And that's when I was like, I would say more close to the street. Because when my dad was here, you know, just when I was saying like, I want to go and play outside with my friend, he was like, did you have you done your homework? Even I swear even if I did my homework, I was scared to say yes. So when you say yes to him, he was like, "Okay, bring me your your book." And I remember he was like, "Okay, which lesson you have to learn tomorrow?" And I was like doing the lesson perfectly. And he was going to the first page of the book and saying like, "Okay, tell me about this." And I couldn't remember. I was like, "Yeah, but that we did this at the beginning." You know, this is like, "Okay, when you learn your full book, then you will be able to go outside." So my dad when he was at home, we didn't miss anything. You know, we have food on the table. Everything was perfect. I I had like a big screen TV. I remember we are one of the first family in where I I grew up in my street to have that big screen and all my friend they come. So I I I I couldn't I will never complain when my dad was here. He did his job perfectly. But the only things you know my dad uh teach me uh crying is a weakness. So when he was like punishing someone and you cry, that's when he going to he going to beat you even more. So that's the things I grew up with like you know I can't cry. That's why we can talk about that toxic masculinity. They understand crying is normal but for me crying was a sign of weakness. Why did he leave? He lived because my mom divorced him uh and sometime he was uh it was violent with her and I remember you know being kids and no one asked me these questions that's why I'm a little bit emotional and and you know my mom was like no one man can raise his hand on me so she divorced he had to leave. You know, she went to the police and uh and he had to go. And it was a tough moment because, you know, when you see your dad leaving, no matter if you know the reason, he shouldn't have done that. U leave the same taking all the sofa, the the the big TV, the big screen. He was with a big trunk waiting for him. And we were all of my brothers and sister crying because, you know, he's your dad. But at the same time, what he was doing to my mommy wasn't right. So did you witness that? Yeah, I think like you know sometime we try to open the door and uh if you open that door you know it was uh it was really scary you know and if you when you heard your mom like fighting back because to be fair my mom she's a strong woman you know and my dad uh say that now he say like don't play with your mom because she's a strong woman. So in in that time yeah when you experience that you you just terrorize you like what's what's going on you know it's your parents they should like kiss each other so yeah and you look back on that moment he left obviously incredibly sad moment but are you happy that he left considering the problem you know when you're kid you you don't really understand I was happy because my um at the end you know she was uh she was happy but to see your dad left leaving no matter which reason you can't be happy uh now I understand the reason uh I forgive him but uh saying I was happy no so he leaves your life takes a a turn after that because you've lost that figure in your life and maybe a bit of I don't know restriction has left the family home so you can act on other motivations and incentives and other ways to survive I guess and what what's the what person did you become after that I would say a warrior like a warrior yeah I think a survivor because after like I say you know it's you in the street and oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh I kill you or you kill me you know when you grow up in the street that's why I hate when some people they talk about their background and they'll say like oh I was a gangster no I would never call myself a gangster I was just a survivor and it was difficult you know so yeah like you say when he left no more restriction going out fighting outside lying to your mom uh the police, you know, bring me one day home around 100 a.m. My mom was so worried like, and I remember it was so funny because some words I didn't even know what they mean. So when they bring me back home and my mom was, you know, just she put her like a hand on him mouth, what's going on? She was, you know, his his son, you know, bring back from the police and I was like, "Mom, mommy, I just being an accomplice." [laughter] [clears throat] and she beat me like so bad. But now I understand it's even worse, you know, because I was like, I didn't steal. I just was looking when my friend was stealing and stuff like that. So, it was just a mess. And um no one, even my school teacher, when they were talking to me at school, I was like, "Can you put the volume down? You're not my dad." So, I didn't let anyone, you know, talking like saying, "You can't do this, you can't do that." But I always respect my mom. uh and my brother and my sister and I was uh I was respectful with my friend but when someone tried to give me some authority he couldn't have it because I was like the one I have like the most authority on me it was my dad he left so now I don't need any authority from no one and you get you start I read you started stealing things you started selling weed yeah I think stealing was uh was normal because I was like with my friend I remember the first time I I steal it was uh some gum and you know I was hungry up with my friend they were stealing I wasn't because I was still like having a good education from my dad from my mom and to be part of the group you need to you know it's like some people when they drink because they they find that excuse to be like social was stealing so I start steal and everyone clapped me so I was like wow finally I'm part of the done. And from there you go like to deal like video games, uh to sell weed, you know, to having the best like sneakers and, you know, even offering some stuff to your girlfriend. I offer even like a perfume to my mom, you know, and I was so proud because I was like at the end, you know, my dad left, a few of my brother and sister left after that also. So I was like, I'm the man. I need to be in charge. I need to feed my family. It wasn't the right way every time, but at least I was like, you know, my mom like when I offer him like a bottle of perfume and I see how happy she was, but she was like always, where that come from? And I was like lying, you know, it's just my friend, you know, he he bought it for me, but I was me. He was myself stealing it. Some years after your father left, you did you talk about in the book in the opening chapters of the book about your headmaster? Yeah. and you were 13 years old. You um you ended up staying at his house and he sexually assaulted you. Yeah. I think this is was one of the most regret I had in my life to not speak up in that day. Um, how did you come to be at his house? It's really simple. It's because uh Bretoni it was far from my house. I have to take two train to go to school because I went to that school because it was a school where you know you're good at football you after school you have to train. So it wasn't an academy but it was a school where you can train also. So it was a good opportunity to be fair. My mom was like, "It's he's good. He's he's leaving the street because he will end up in jail or dead." So, it's perfect for him. So, I went there and I was taking like, you know, two train 4 hours sometime and uh losing my uh my school bag, sleeping on the train, you know, even sometime end up like to another destination. So, it was a mess. And uh that school teacher, Ed's teacher, he he speak to He said, "Do you want like to stay?" Because I living I'm living inside the the the school. He have his home inside the school. So I went back home and I say to my mom, you know, he offered that. And my mom was like not sure about it at the beginning because even when I tell her, I will speak later about it. She she said, "I knew it." And she was like, "Are you sure? Can you trust this man?" I was like, "Yeah, you seem nice, Mom." So that head teacher at the beginning everything was perfect. He was uh cooking for me in the evening. He was letting me play his Nintendo. He had the Nintendo at the time. So I was like, "Yeah, that's that's cool." You know, I don't need to go back home on the weekend and uh I just stay here. And uh then every night I was in my bed and uh every time he was coming you know in my room and I was the first time I was like maybe you know just say come to say good night but he was uh I was sleeping and I was feeling a hand on my body and I was like oh what's going on you know then he was trying to touch me but I was like holding his hand so it was like a fight for for 10 it uh and I was still couldn't understand. I was 13 but you know I I I didn't have any uh sexual relation even with any girls at that time. So for me it was everything was new. I was like what's what's going on you know um we fight many time and he didn't succeed and he was you know now when I have those image in my head I could hear him trying to touch me and touching himself in the same time next to the bed you know then he was living and every time I was like oh he's gone so he's start to become a ritual every time I go to bed he coming the same things fight everything fight fight and uh one day you know I was even attaching my pajama with my laces like I remember yeah shoe laces because to make sure like he can't put it down and uh to be fair you know he was trying like on the top of my clothes but fighting say so one day he did he put my pants down and he put uh my penis in his mouth and I was just like terrorized I remember I was I I just freeze, you know. I knock his head, but I and I just freeze. I I couldn't I didn't understand what's going on. Then he left. Then I wake up. I can't even remember what's happened because you know those things you just like erase them from your memory. So I back to school. I think in school I was thinking about what's what's happening is like something not normal. Then then I went home. I say, "Mom, I don't want to sleep anymore to that ed teacher." She said, "Why?" I said, "No, I just don't want." I never tell her the reason until now. So after that, I I live all my life with that from the street, you know, you come back, you like imagine you tell that to one of your friend, they're going to say, you know, you're weak, all of those stuff. So even for me when I had my first sexual relation, it was weird because I had this man in my head, you know, and this I never told that to anyone. So I was like massively traumatized then actually because all of that I back to my school where I grew up in the street and I stopped even going to that school. Even like people were like, "But you're so good at football. Why?" I say, "I don't need it. I will keep training on my own on the street, you know, I don't want to be in that school anymore." [sighs] So yeah, I grew up with that things for so many years. And what I feel as a coat is when I was 24 years old, not 20 years old and I was still playing for Monaco at the time and the police called me. Sorry Mr. the number of Patricia. Yeah. Um you know we got lot of complain about that a teacher. I don't even remember his name. I don't I could even tell you his face because I erased all of this in my memory. Uh there's been a lot of complaint about child they being abused about that ed teacher. Did he touch you? No. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. And I was angry even when people asked me that question, you know. I was like, "Oh, there someone asked me about that. Put the phone down." So all this year I was like, "Wow, Patrice, you had the opportunity when you were 13 years old. You didn't. I will understand. But now you're 20 and you couldn't just what? Because you're still shame of it because you're famous. You scar of the reaction of the people. But doing that that day, that's why growing up when people say, "Patrice, you're good guys." I I wasn't feeling that that way because I was feeling as a coward. A coward. A coward. Yeah. Because he wasn't about Patrice. It was about the other child I let down when the police called me. It's about the other child is still being abused right now. So coming out with this helped me a lot. And I have to say a massive thanks to the woman of my life Margo because you know sometime people say you need a psycholog but in life sometime it's about which person you meet. I'm someone I really believe in energy and to be fair after that trusting anyone a psycholog I would say maybe I will tell him this he don't care it's just pay for that job some of them are really good I never I never meet any psycho but made that woman like she was a a romantic partner yeah she she she make me being myself and being honest with myself don't be shame of anything baby and I'm Yeah. And I will never me Patrice the tough guys don't showing emotion think a woman can you know extract those real emotion from myself. I was like wow years old. There was a day you told you shared that with her. Yeah. Can you tell me about that day? Like I say the day I shared that with her it was uh you know when she met me I was 38. So I was just uh retired from football doing all my things and oh my god you you seem so happy and such a positive man but I do you care about yourself which is I say yeah and she asked me one simple question are you happy? [laughter] Yes, I'm happy. I'm happy. You know, I make you happy. I make my But Patrice, what make you happy? Uh, [snorts] I'm happy. No, I just saying like I'm happy. This is not an answer. So, she go deep and we didn't talk about the subject. I say no, I'm fine. She said, "No, because I can see yes, you're an impulsive person. You like to fight. you say because this from the street and everything but I think you got something. You got a pain on your chest and you don't want I was like I'm fine. I'm fine. Then one day we watch something and it was about pedophile and stuff. So again she look at my face she said like you okay? I said yeah I'm okay. Why you ask me? No, Patrice, I feel you. You're hiding something. I said, why? Why you? You know, I don't like when people want to try inside. Go to get inside. I'm fine. I was still closing the door. If you love me, you should like tell me what's going on. I need to I need to know already. I look at her. I just try crying like a baby. I cry like a baby. She me what's going on? And I tell her the full story. So she cry. She was like, "I knew. Thank you. Have you say that to someone, to the police, to your mom?" I said, "No, you are the first person and I don't want to say to anybody else. Do you want to see a do you go for do you want to go for therapy?" And I said, "I'm fine. I told you. No, Patrice. You're going to explode one day. You need to, you know, let it out. Then when I cry and uh I feel much better about myself. And I was still like, you know, I cry in front of her now. She will take advantage of me. She will think I'm weak. But she was like, you know, baby, I I even love you more. This is a strain. stop thinking this is a weakness. That's when she introduced me to that toxic masculinity. Couldn't understand before. She explained me what it was about. Like being a man is not like being strong or but I was like this is my education. This is the way I grow up. This is why the dad like many dad they do the same mistake. And I did the same with my first child. Lenny sometime he was talking to me. I was like you got everything. Why you complain? Come on. Ah, daddy. You know, when I was doing this, come on. Don't be weak. Ah, daddy. You know, it's painful. Ah, it's okay. When I think about all of that now, I'm like, cuz I live with that toxic masculinity. And I think men like us, I have to change that. Crying is a strain. And you know, when you grow in the streets, just like holding the hand of your girlfriend is a sign of weakness. You're not allowed to do that. So I'm discovering myself. [clears throat] Who going to believe that? I'm 38 years old. Now I'm 40. I will start to discover myself. Now everything makes sense. That trauma make me become who I am. Like sometime a soldier like no emotion. I'm going to do the job. Sometime I win some trophy, we celebrate. It was fake. I didn't I wasn't like that happy. If you ask me Patrice, are you happy now? I say yes. Now I'm complete. I'm content. I feel blessed and I feel lucky. But when I used to play football, I was a robot. I was just doing my job. Your brother, you talked about the fact that you started dealing drugs back when you were younger and then your your brother started taking drugs. Yeah. This was uh another massive trauma. You know, when you wake up in the in the morning and you just want to go in the toilet and you open the door and you see your your brother with a you know uh a how you say it a needle. A needle. Yeah. and looking at you with like eyes, you know, like red eyes and just closing the door and you have to hold on your your you know, if you want to pee, you have to hold it because it's there and it was one toilet the whole house. So, and this teach me to never touch any drug because I saw my brother and he lost his life because of that. He lost his life. He died as a overdose in Sagal. He even sell his uh his document, his French passport and he went in Sagal and one day they called my mom. My auntie say your son is dead in a bathroom. So it was tough for me to talk about this in my book because my mom, she's the son of my mom and I don't have the right to talk about it in my book cuz we're talking about a dead person. But I just unfortunately this show me like taking drug I can lose my life. Like the same for alcohol. Uh I didn't drink until I was 33 years old because for me a glass of alcohol it was the homeless people living on my street and anyway my mom and my dad don't drink. So I never had that culture. So that's why I couldn't understand when I came in England and people were drinking even like footballer players and you know when we were going to party they were always say to the waitress can we have a hot chocolate for Patrice because the alcohol and the drugs it was like you're going to end up dead poison you know you um so going back to this topic of toxic masculinity it's something I've actually been thinking a lot about because my girlfriend funnily enough has started to talk to me a lot about the idea. This is why I was just remaining quiet and listening first, but but um she started talking to me a lot about the idea of the masculine and the feminine and how a rounded healthy man embodies both sides of him and is able to tap into both sides of him. Sounds like your early years um made you use one of those sides, which is the masculine side, as a form of self-defense in many ways, as a way to survive. cuz I'm think I'm I'm hearing what you went through and I'm thinking the you know using the feminine energy the the emotion the expression of you know one's how someone feels care the softness wouldn't have been conducive with survival in that situation. So as you get 40 years on how do you then unlearn your survival technique? How do you how do you unlearn the the masculine defensive don't cry, don't show weakness, which you now know is is um important for you to have good relationships, romantic relationships, to be balanced yourself, to be open, to be expressive, and to not self-destruct. What I love about you is the way you question myself. You even make me think, but you're right. if I have this feminine, you know, emotion in that time, I won't survive because we know women are more emotional than than men. So, what you just say to me, I'm like, "Yeah, Patrice, you [clears throat] want to fight against that uh toxic masculinity, but you're happy when you need it now because you're 40 years old, you don't need it anymore." And you're a dad now, so you're going to teach. You're going to teach. But I'll be honest with you, that's why you know my woman was scared when we have our our son. Uh she was like Patrice before he born. I don't want him to be like you. Wow. Put that on my face. What do you mean? Yeah. I want him to be determinate, passion, funny, positive, but I don't want him to have your emotion. Yeah. I was like, "But I think you know when you cry, I will say like don't don't cry." She was, "That's exactly what I'm talking about. When you cry, I want you to say it's okay. Let your emotion out, but it's difficult for me at the beginning." So, I was like, "Nah, I want I I don't want him to cry when he fall and everything." And the funny part is when she was still pregnant uh you know when woman this is more about relationship because now I know relationship is not just about love is about caring and communication you know I don't want to be like now the the priest or because when I talk like there's so many people like that oh I wish my husband is like you no I've been the bad guys too so don't get me wrong but now I'm more like feeling [snorts] like so back to that moment. We were in the car. She was with a a drink and I said, "Don't drink because it's bumpy and you're going to" And she hate like, you know, having mark on her. She drink on the shirt. Yes. Spit on the shirt. She cry. I promise you, Steve. I cry instantly with her because I feel her. I feel a a a sadness the the whole Patrice will be like but come on why you crying just because you speak come on but in that moment I didn't I wasn't focused on the the reason why she's crying I was like just on the emotion she's crying she's in pain you don't need to fix it need a hug the moment she saw me crying she stopped crying she stopped crying straight And for me it was new. I was like what's going on? I can even feel your pain. You know sometime you say you love someone but this is like a deep love. Like even now she cry. I cry automatically. Even now we talking and when she's next to me I miss her. I never experienced that. And now it's so special. to come back to uh my son when he cry now you know my woman can be ah come on Lilas ah I'm like but it's okay you know it must be a reason because he's angry so I'm the one softer now so that's what I'm like wow but you're just a different man we had a rule if we argue because don't get me wrong we argue like normal couple we're not special But it's just like we don't put it under the carpet. We fix it. But not like we force it in a natural way. When for example we argue straight away and she say we need to talk because woman say we need to talk. I'm not ready. We need to talk. I'm not. No. Give me my space. Then I come back. Okay. Let's talk about it. I'm apologize. But I'm apologize because I mean it not because you forced me to apologize. And you're not trying to win. I'm not trying to win. And then I understand I'm like okay baby how lucky we are the special love we have right now like I will never believe the way I believe in love right now that's why I'm encouraging all the kids the next generation this love exist but it exists so the it's again you you sounds like you're just recounting my life specifically over I met I met a lady she's called uh I would say it Melanie and uh she she was very keen She said very similar things to me. She was like, "There's something you've not told me about, etc." And her real sort of drive with me has been trying to make me tap into the feminine side of me, which again means opening up, being vulnerable, removing my ego. When we argue, it's to try and solve a a problem as opposed to trying to win. And that also, and she slowly got this different person out of me. In my previous relationship, snapping. Ah, leave. I'll just leave. Right. Yeah. And in this one, it's like she lets me speak, I let her speak. Okay. Sometimes we But we're both trying to understand the person. And the thing that really changed, and it's funny cuz when you talked about that day when you opened up with your partner about what had gone on, she created a safe space. And once you have that safe space and you learn that this is a safe space, this relationship is a safe space. Oh yes. You don't have to be that person you were in the streets, [laughter] right? You don't even have to be the person you are in the group chat on WhatsApp. You can cry. You can say, "Babe, I I feel insecure. I feel triggered." And that for me has been this like tremendous catalyst in myself because now I can really investigate myself with someone, right? And know that they're not going to laugh at me or think I'm not a man. Yeah. Because I'm crying or because I'm I've got feelings, right? And that that meant that again when you just described the way you feel about her, the sense like when she's not by your side, you didn't know a love like this existed. I was saying that this morning. I've just left her in Indonesia and I was saying I didn't realize I could have a relationship like this with someone where every argument we have heals our relationship to a stronger place. It doesn't leave a scratch or a scar which and that's the thing you know but you you resume it perfectly and like you say sometime when we have a discussion like we our love even get even more stronger stronger right cuz we are in love with each other but what I like what you say a word safe yeah safe space is a safe space feeling safe allow to be yourself I'll say that to my girlfriend now so I'll say this sounds like I've never said this before but I'll literally say to her I need a safe space and that means that I'm about to say some things which might trigger you, might make you unhappy, but I need to say it cuz it's how I feel. So, I'll literally say give me a safe space. Yeah. And that means listen to me. But it but exactly, you know, I think is is easy to to listen to someone but to understand a person, you know, to saying I heard you. This is different. Yeah. You mean you really understand because you can talk for many hours. I'm like, yeah, I'm listening. Yeah. You're not you're waiting to speak. You're building your your argument against No, but but but exactly. But what you say, I think we really similar and I I was excited to come today and I'm even more happy to be here and to keep like talking. We can talk I think many hours and I just feel like so open even talking about you. You asked me a few question about why my dad leave. Many things [clears throat] like it was not easy to not cry but I like that. But this is something this is something that men need to hear. And you think about just from what we've both learned from our stories there with relationships, but just even two men having a conversation like this, how how freeing that is for us, how it's healing for us, but also it allows us to form relationships which are real and deep and meaningful where we don't want to be running out in the street. And so I it's you know it's one of the real things I think is going to form a big part of of my life too as you've successfully done with this book is trying to tell men without having to meet the women like we met how to be in touch with their the true I don't even want to say the feminine side the the the full version of themsel I absolut I think I I no but I I absolutely agree with you because it's a challenge because we have a little help because we find someone [clears throat] like you say we feel open and we can you know you can be your yourself but yeah I think we we should fight with that toxic masculinity because it's no good even for yourself but even for your children for [clears throat] many for many reason but the you test me by saying Patrice if you didn't have that masculine you know masculinity tox toxic masculinity how you will be able to survive in that when you were that kid and I will be look at you straight away and saying no So it's a good subject and I hope if you want to debate more about it, I will be a good client. [laughter] Either way, we have to unlearn it, right? We have to unlearn it once we realize that it's not serving us. And that is admittedly a very slow process, one that goes, you know, cuz even I some I have to be very aware of that part of me, the masculine ego part of me. And I always think with trauma and with these kinds of things, you never actually fully recover. I I think the most important thing is to put it out in front of you so that it's no longer controlling your life from the back room and ruining your relationships and stuff. Just for me, like I've got a lot of traumas from my childhood with my parents and what their relationship. I still have them and I just have them out in front of me and the power they have over me is diminished. I know what the triggers are. I know, I understand them, and I just want to keep them out in front of me so I can hopefully live a happy life. Quick one. It's now the fourth quarter of the year. We're coming into the winter months here in the UK, November, December, January. These are always, according to my Apple Watch, the months where my diet and my fitness fall off every single year. And for me, that means I tend to resort to junk food and I tend to stop going to the gym and working out. And this is why for me in the fourth quarter, Hule is now my savior. I really, really, really mean that. If you're the type of person that can resonate what I've just said and tends to fall off with your diet and your fitness in the fourth quarter, one thing I suggest you do is order a Hu subscription. Get it in your fridge because for me, if it's there, I'll drink it. If it's not, I'll probably have a pizza at 4:00 a.m. in the morning and fries and a burger and um an Oreo milkshake. So, having it in my home makes health convenience. So, order your heel subscription. Join me on this journey. I'm announcing something soon actually for people that want to get in shape in the new year. super excited to talk to you about that. And um he your diet, avoiding junk food, being healthy, vitamins, minerals, proteins, and no crap is going to be a big part of that. And for me, that's that's why hu is in my life. Football. [laughter] Bit of a segue. Um you're very good at football. [laughter] I'm I'm trying to figure out what like how you became so good at football with all of that stuff happening in your life and that cauldron you're in and what football was for you as a young man. Everything. So football saved my life. When my friend they were stealing to get away from the stealing I was like training on my own even when it was snowing. But come on Patrice, you're never going to to succeed anyway. You're from the street. You you're uh you're a black person. You will never going to make it. you know, just find a white girlfriend with lot of money. That's was the the way the people Yeah. think in my street uh stop, you know, you look cute, you can just find a girl and you know, I was like, no, you know, I love football and I need to training every day. I remember even at school sometime when the we went to school and the teacher couldn't make it because of the traffic or the snow and they were like okay we freeze some kids they were wanted to go back home. I was like, "No, no, no. There's a football pitch just next to the school. We have to play." And I was threatened them sometime. They couldn't like some kid. I was like, "If you don't come, I'm going to beat you." And they were coming and training. Yeah. I was forcing people to play football with me. Why? It's an addiction. I don't know. It was my reason of leaving. Is it your escape from life? I think I could say it was both. It was my escape, but it was also my love, my passion. Just when you give me like a football bowl, it was like everything for me, you know. I remember that eight teacher the first day you you come at school and they ask what you want to become later and many people were lawyers uh policemen um many good job doctor and and me she was looking right um reading what my note and footballer player but I didn't even know what was football player. I was like I play football but so I'm football aer player and she was taking my note in front of everyone and she was like Patrice think football a player is a job and everyone was laughing everyone my friend I was looking so and she was going even deeper she was uh but you know if is a trial and 300 kids they will pick one kid do you think it's going to be you? I was like, "Yes." And everyone was even more laughing. But at the end now, I don't want to get any revenge with that teacher. I just want to make sure she don't say the same things to other kids because me in that time I was really strong mentally. So no one, you know, can project their own fear because some people I hate those people when you say I'm going to this. No, you can't. Because they try to projecting their own failure on you. me now if a kids I was you know I see some some some kid at the school in Manchester and I was like if you want to become the president of the universe go for it you're going to have lots of enemies and make a lot of sacrifice there's no president of the universe I know it doesn't ex even the like the job doesn't exist go for it go for it if you dream about it and that's that's was the beauty of me when I was child like everyone like I did the trial at PSG and I did everything perfect. At the end he say you're too small and you're from the street and we scare you going to steal things in the dressing room. Yeah, that's why PSG that's what the coach told me and they didn't take me just for those two reason. Okay. [laughter] So, so I have lot of like you won't make it and more people do that more I'm like that's why I say I'm lucky mentally I can't tell you why I'm that strong maybe about from my dad my mom or all the things I have to survive but this was even making me more stronger. Did you have a plan B? No, I didn't have any plan B. This was all or nothing. And that's the scary things when I think about it now because some of my friend or some people they were like Patrice you know school is important you should have your diploma and stuff. I was like I want to be a footballer player but I get in shock when I knew actually playing football you can win money. I wasn't aware about that like when I signed my first contract when I was 17. I didn't care about the money in that time. It will make you laugh. You know what I was most happy is when I saw my tracksuit on the on the bed and I wear it and I was looking myself in the mirror and I was oh my god. And I went downstairs to join the team and I see all the players sitting the table and people coming to serving them the food. It was remember like three fork in one side, three knife on one side. I called my mom. I said, "Mom, I'm even like this is paradise. people serving us the food. I've got like three now. I've got a tracksuit. We all dress the same. And my mom cry at the phone. I remember that day. So, you know when people ask me, "What is your best memory when you play football?" That's was my best memory. Not winning the Champions League or is when I was 17, you know, that kid and just just having food. and a normal tracksuit make me so happy and that's my best memory I had since I play football cuz you you'd made it I made it that day I was like I made it mama I won't be in the street anymore I won't have to survive to fight I won't have to beg So it was just crazy. And even in that time even some people they still take advantage because when I signed my first contract actually I signed a paper with the mafia the Italian mafia and I was their uh [clears throat] property and I didn't doubt I found out this when after I wanted to move for is Roma and is Roma we say we have to call up the deal because you're the property of that man and it was a guy from the mafia And actually on that time I remember when I first my my first contract I was earning uh it was like 50 pound now per month and we had like five months where they didn't pay us. Uh I remember my mom and my brother they come to visit me in Sicily and you know a breast chicken one breast chicken was for three days we had to cut it like in cube little cube. I remember she was like twisting in a little bag and that's it. That's was for the meal for sometime we had only one meal per day but I was happy and I remember my mom come to visit me in Sicily and she cried. She said but what you doing here you know I was like mommy I just love football. She was like but you have nothing. Look where you live. I was you know it was like if you see my first flat I mean like they allowed me to live on that flat. It was disaster. But I was happy because I had football. And every time when I was training or when we played the game, I was scared to the referee to to blow the final whistle because I was like, "What I'm going to do now? I'm back to the reality." So for me, playing was it was just a dream. [clears throat] Hard to imagine. It's hard to [clears throat] hard to imagine how how difficult life must be for you to not want the whistle to blow on a on a football game. Was there a moment where where that changed and where you no longer started to dread the final whistle blowing because your life off the pitch was somewhere to look forward to is when I uh [clears throat] I get rid of those people around me and the the mafia and I I sign with a new agent and u I signed for N so I go back to France a bigger salary I I think I was uh earning something like uh 3K per month. So much better life be able to even help my mom. And from that moment I was like okay now I'm safe. I'm safe. And after you know I signed for Monaco of course and I keep my word. I say you know when my dad left and in school they give you like a little money and my dad was taking this money to send it to Seneagal to my other brother and sister. So I remember my sister went after my mom like you know with true lawyers and everything she get that money from the school and not my dad anymore. My sister get that money and she go to buy like some makeup and everything. I was like, "Shame on you." Oh, mom. Like, she feeding us every single day. Like, and why you don't give that money? And I I say, "Me, mommy, I don't want anything. This is for you because we're living in your roof. You're feeding us every day. This is for you." No, but Patrice, this is for you. Mommy, I don't need this. And I say, "Mom, when I'm going to have my big contract, the first things I going to do because that's was my motivation is to buy a house to my mom." And I did it. And I think that's was one of the most pride moment of my life because I say to my mom and I keep my word and I bought her a house in Sineagal. Before I bought of course with my money when I play for Monaco my Porsche and everything cars cuz I I like cars. Not now anymore because I understand how stupid it is. But yeah, that's was uh one of my biggest achievement because you must have been proud, right? My [snorts] mom uh my mom cry every time she see me because uh sometimes she's like you don't you it's many things you don't know Patrice like when you were like alone and no one wanted to help us and now that's why it's so funny when suddenly you are someone and people they like your auntie come back or your uncle but they weren't there when you know we need them the most so she always cries she say I'm too nice but me I'm like I don't have any hate in my heart. It's difficult. And uh Manchester United, I'm uh yeah, I can't can't imagine what that would have been like getting a getting a call that that's uh But you will laugh because before United I was start being over I will call it overconfident and arrogant. I was playing for Monaco. I reached the final of Champions League being named four time in the world the best left back in the French league playing for the national team. So I remember my agent came and he said Patrice you know in January he say like teams like you have in Liverpool Manchester United I say yeah cool I say and what stuck in my head when he say Manchester United can counter really yeah can you know yeah the colors yeah wow I say okay Manchester I wear ka yeah cuz I wasn't following Really? Yeah. I can tell you something. I I don't watch football. You're supposed to say it was a childhood dream. Yeah. It was just like it's just me. I'm playing football. So watching football is like going to work. That's when I was young. But now as a pundit I have to watch football game. But it's something I never been interested and it's something I never enjoyed. So I didn't know although sometime I was watching some result Manchester United because of Conta. So I say to my yeah okay. He said you should go to Manchester. I think Manchester suit you. say why not then uh we met uh sir Alex Ferguson because at that time you know I still playing for Monaco so you can't be approached by another team you know you broke the rules so we met uh in the airport in a secret room yeah [laughter] secret room yeah in secret room in the airport and that day that interview was like being interviewed by the FBI it was Like do you smoke? Do you drink? Do you like to party? Are [snorts] you ready to not lose one game? Are you ready to not even draw a game? Yes. Sir Alex said, "Yeah, he shake my hands." He said, "Now you shake my hands." So that's you know playing for Man United everything I say that's what you you will have to do and all those stuff even if some people they drink and they do many things but it was about more the winning mentality. And when he shake my hand, he looked straight in my eyes. And when you look straight at his eyes, you make sure you don't disappoint him. So what I love about Ferguson is that day also he say, you know, son, we know your background. You know where you come from, but just be yourself. I won't change you. I just want you to bleed for United, for the fun, for the people from Manchester, you know, uh work ethic. And it was already in my DNA. So when I joined United, I was like finally I can be myself because even in France playing for Monaco when sometime I was saying like I want to be the best left back or I am the best. Oh he's too arrogant is this. So the French media they didn't understand me. They were like you know he's too arrogant. And I win also the the youngest French player in the league and normally only striker like Andre Zidan. I was the first defender to win those kind of trophies. So I was like overconfident. So when I joined Manchester and Ferguson tell me all those word it was a different story. I was like finally I can express myself like say you know in France they will build him the guillotin in Manchester they will build him a statue [clears throat] and that's the truth because in Manchester they let you be yourself. you know, even if you know, you have to kick a fan or stuff, they will still be behind. They know it's wrong, but you still feel the support. You still feel you're part of the family. So, we're going to accept you, you know, uh the way you are. And that's what's really important even if I think everyone know the story of my first game. Didn't go so well. Yeah. Uh just a crazy because I I just came back I just trained with the team three days. We had a derby against Manchester City playing at 12. I never play at 12 in my life apart when I was kid but never play at 12. Come for the breakfast. 9 I see Mikuel Sylvester Louisa my my French teammate eating beans you know pasta. I'm not a good breakfast guy. So I start doing the same, you know. I'm like, "Okay, in this league, you know, you need to to eat because it's a strong league. I eat, I feel sick. I went in my room. I vomit." I said, "I need to call the doc and you need to say to the manager, I can't play that game." But I was like, "Patric, you just sign. You can't say that again. Toxic masculinity." They will say, "I'm weak. I'm scared." I play. I say I play. Don't ask me why. You know in Manchester it's never sunny. In 9 years I just done like three barbecue in 9 years. That day was so hot. The sun was like on my I was like did I'm back to Monte Carlo. I was like what's going on here? [laughter] I remember the first the first ball Trevor Sinclair just headb me. I was cut straight away. He was like welcome to England. Welcome to the Premier League. And in one point one point I was against the post. I remember, you know, when you have those bubble the cartoon and you, you know, writing what you think about. I was like, "Oh my god, what the hell I'm doing here? The football is so fast, so strong. I should have keep chilling in Monte Carlo." [laughter] So losing two-nil halftime, Ferguson give the air dryer to everyone and he come to me say, "You now you sit and you learn the English football." So I didn't understand because you know I didn't speak very well English and Carlos Kerio was the one like translating and I put my you know the doctor was like cleaning my blood and and I put my and Carlos K said no no Patrice is it's over it's finished like you sub so imagine me playing for France best left back being [clears throat] sub after the first 45 minutes but he he he get even worse and worse after that so we lose the I back home and my Italian agent with his wife were staying with me in my flat and my agent looked at me like this. He said, "Batrice, I'm sorry." Say, "What?" He said, "I should never book you in Manchester. I'm sorry. You should have stay in Monaco, you know." And his wife on the background looking at me. I promise to say that that day I was so low. I was like even my own agent he don't believe in me anymore. I was like wow. So after that I know I play a Liverpool game a good game. We win 1 zero. Rio Ferdino scored the winning goal and everything and I had a great game. So he back but the first six months was really difficult for me and Nemana Vid we came we arrive at the same time. We even play with the reserve and we get ser again in the reserve. In the reserve. Imagine me and Nemana Vid in the shower. I remember I say oh my Asian say you know I Roma I will maybe go back in Italy. VidC was like okay I will go to small school also they they want me back and stuff. So all of that my teammate were laughing. Rio Wayne Rooney when in the training I was like sleeping and they were like laughing when someone was you know shorter you they were laughing and I remember one day P schools when I make it when you respect me say you know Patrice I I think you were like a joke. I I even asked like the boss if he can sell you back to Monaco but for free. Send you back for free. Yeah. and I look at them, you know, all those things, you know, when I saw my teammate laughing when I was not playing a game, he didn't put me down. I was like, I'm going to show them who is the real Patrice because it's difficult when you come to a club like, you know, end of January because, you know, you miss half of the season. So, after I missed the World Cup, my fellow French teammate Luisa and Mikuel C, they went to the World Cup 2006. I was filming. I back to Monaco. I was in the gym all the summer. Uh I was looking the French national team reaching the final of World Cup but they lose against Italy. So I was like okay I understand the football in in England now. It's like you have to be strong first then after you can play with your feet. So I get some muscle everything. I came back to the preseason. We had a preseason in South Africa. I was the man the the man of the tournament. And I remember Mick Fan the second coach he came and he shake my hand said now you are United players from that day even before the season start I know I will make it and the rest is history. You played in a lot of teams. I sat here with Ry Ferdinand as well. I asked him a very similar question. What was it that made Manchester United achieve the success they achieved? It's so many things you know when you say I can say like the work getting the discipline uh the passion the [clears throat] I think he's also the character personality I think Ferguson he wanted to meet player in person to see if he can feel their character their personality if they're going to be ready to to handle the pressure playing for Manchester the pressure is a is a gift is a privilege like I want to add pressure like I didn't want Ferguson to say you play a good game. I want Ferguson like to give me the air dryer. It was little bit like it's is really weird but I didn't expect any compliment like for me playing for under sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United. I wasn't I never scared of anyone. I never scared of Sir Alex Ferguson but I was scared to disappointing him. So it's about respect. What make Manchester United it was like I have many coach they say winning is important but focus on winning in United is normal like the goal is to win like four trophy per season. I will I will tell you a story when we won the Champions League in 2008. Exciting. We went on the plane putting the music loud you know dancing. Ryan Giggs look at me. Can can you know can you put this? I was like, "Hey, we just win the Champions League and the Premier League." Yeah, yeah, but you know, we need to sleep. We need to rest. I was like, "Okay, that's that's weird." We land. Ferguson, I remember we were on the bus and he take the mic. He say, "Congratulation. Well done. I'm proud of you to champion of Europe. But, uh, next year if you don't want to win it again, I will end many contract of many player of you. If you don't I don't feel the same passion and the same anger now because he was the Euro 2008. Now go and enjoy having the and you use the fake the f word with your with your national team. Boom. No parade, no celebration with the fan. I remember I went home and I was with my back. I dropped it. I was like this is the feeling of winning the Champions League and the league. I was like wow. But the problem you become a robot. So you're not even happy when you win the league. the years and years I was you know when we celebrate and uh was fake inside it was just pretending of course is a release is an achievement but because you just become a machine a robot winning that's the only things matter and that's why he he goes to play for Man United but also sacrifice you know when I talk about sacrifice I'm not shame about you even have to sacrifice your own family. That's what I did. I give you an example. You know, my first son, Lenny, he was 3 years old. And I came back home one day and he was crying. I said, "Why are you crying?" He said, "Because I hate Manchester United." I said, "Why?" He said, "Because they they took my dad away." And you know the the United fan, they have a flag where they united kids and wife in that order. I never laugh in that flag. A lot of people laugh. I never because that's that's the the that's what he caused me to succeed at United was United. That's why I had a really strong relationship with Ferguson because he knew I don't need Manchester United. I love Manchester United and I could like die for this club and I still could die for this club for the fan and for any manager. So to play for Manchester United, it cost you your life, your normal life. You you're part of another family. It's interesting because when you were younger, you had a problem with authority. Exactly. Ferguson is the ultimate authority. I still in different way. I still you know Ferguson sometime he shout on me. I was stood up facing like I was like [clears throat] if you go far I don't know I don't guarantee nothing will happen but is also I was I wanted to make sure I didn't want to disobey in front of people. This is really important because you always question you know the coach if you answer back and that's why I also say to kids when the manager talk you should never answer back in the in front of the people but you can go after and that's what I was doing with Ferguson. So I tell you one game we play against Tottenham winning 2-0il halftime playing the best game in my life. I promise you I was like wow on fire. Came back in the dressing room in some water people. Oh my god, Patrice, you're on fire. Everything I sit Ferguson sit when he sit and he doesn't speak for for three minute or five like you you mean like someone is in trouble. I look at him. He look at me. He said, "Patric, you okay?" And me, "Yeah, yeah, I'm okay, boss." Yeah. Are you tired? Seriously, I look around. If it was like a prank, if it was some camera and I even people were like, "What?" I said, "No." He said, "Why you pass the ball back to Vanderesa?" I said, "Because I I didn't have any solution forward." And that's was the only pass I passed because I like to play forward. If you do that again, I will you will come and watch the the the rest of the game next to me. And he used the many f word. He said, "This is the worst game you're playing since you play for Manchester United." That's why I stood up. I was like, "What's going on? This is this is like this is it was like you shouldn't if you pass the ball back again I promise you you will never play for and justice like I stand up but I keep my mouth shut I was biting my lips even people they were in shock they were scared like gigs everyone was like what's going on came back second half we beat Tottenham 4-0il boom boom 4-nil and everything after the game everyone oh my god don't listen to him you were on fire me. I did my shower quickly. I remember the I couldn't wait to sleep and to come back the next day. Next day I come. I open. Who is it? I open the door. Oh, Patrice, how are you my son? Say boss. Oh, I am. What's happened yesterday? Patrice, you were the best player on the pitch. But you know Cristiano was start doing some skill. Some player they were like missing to chance to score. You know when you play for Man United, when you score one goal, you have to score a second. When you score second, you have to score a third goal. You have to respect the people they come to watching. I was like, "Wait a minute, boss. You were the best player, my son. Alle get out of my office. FC." I was [laughter] French FC. [snorts] And he was like whistling, singing, and laughing. Then I came out of the office. I was like actually you know I could take the the the fire. He wanted to send a message to the other player to Cristiano Cristiano and many of the player to keep focused and to respect Tottenham but he he picked the best player in the pitch to send that message automatically or the other player they were like if he's killing the best player in the pitch we [laughter] better but that's what I'm talking about managing that's f [laughter] you had a bust up with Fergie in 2007. Yeah. When he didn't play you. Oh, yeah. He promised he'd play you, then didn't play you. Oh, yeah. Is uh this was And even now, and even I'm going to see him uh uh on Saturday. I never asked him the real reason. So, it's simple. I've play every cup game, FA Cup game. I've been named the best left back in the Premier League. It was like you know competition with me and Enza but I I play more game and anyway the final before the the day before the final he did the team no he come we were walking with Carlos Karios and it was unfortunately an article on the on the paper and a big title the son and it was like Patrica ex drug dealer uh gangster and a first page. Wow. Do you know what they did? They went to my where I grew up. They questioned many of my friend and all of my friend they say yes here you know we were fighting you know doing this and you know and they say but Patrice is an example for us because he made it. So that paper is that telling oh I was a gangster and everything. So it was a front page and the day before the game Ferguson we were walking going to train and he say uh ah Patrica uh we need to talk you know say what's the matter boss he say you know the the glazer the owner they call me and uh you know for the club for the image of the club you know an ex gangster and stuff is you know it's no good I think I won't play you tomorrow I was like but bossy no I'm joking and it was kind of I took Oh, I got him. You know, he was scared. No, no, don't worry. We train the first 11 on the team. Everything perfect. The the day of the game in the morning. I like to put music. I remember. And Ferguson allowed you also to order your breakfast in your room. You don't need to go downstairs and dancing t. Okay. I think it's the room service. Open the door. Sir, Alex Ferguson. He said, "Son, [snorts] uh, I'm going to put you in the bench and they're gonna start, but you know what? I know you're going to win the game for us. You know, it's really warm. We play, you're going to come in. I need some speed, some fresh, you're going to win the game. I know you're disappointed." I said, "I am very disappointed." He said, "I know, I know, son, but trust me." And he tapped. So, I remember after 10 minutes, he asked me to warm up. We weren't playing well. I warm up for 80 minutes. It was even like the smoke and like I was like first of all I was really angry and I was like running like crazy mad because I needed like you know the all this frustration I to come out. We lost one nil against Chelsea. I remember we went to take the medal. I take it I throw it on the grass. Ferguson check tried to shake my hand. I didn't shake his hand. So first first time in my life I disrespect him. Uh my agent was there why you don't play? I said go to ask your manager. People from Manchester are you injury Patric? No go to ask to your manager. I say to my agent I I need to go. I don't want to play for my United anymore. Find me a club. No Patrice I need to go. I don't want to play for my United anymore. Uh it was the party. Everyone was like with the family and stuff. I wasn't smiling. And uh three day later, Ferguson called me and he say, "Patrice, I'm sorry. I should have played you. Uh I hope uh you're not too upset." And uh and because he told me that, I automatically forgive him, but I still don't know the reason, especially what's happening in the paper and the joke. And I never ask him the reason. But yeah, I was uh that's that's it. That's was I was I don't want to play for United anymore. Are you going to ask him? No, because I'm someone, you know, I know he see lot of my interview and my stuff and he even watch my videos. So maybe he's going to tell me one day. But I I don't ask. I don't ask people. I I just like to people. They are free. If they want to say something about something, they just tell me. I don't like to ask people. Does it bother you? Uh when I talk about it, just think like yeah. But not really because at the end the rest of my career for United and the love I've got for this man, you know, is history. So no, but it's just like again my past. Maybe my past cost me, you know, my starting 11, but forgiveness, the topic of forgiveness. [laughter] Um, [clears throat] Suarez. Suarez. Um, in an altercation on the pitch, he called you Negrito. I was watching that game, which is a um offensive word for um a black person. [clears throat] That incident was a um was a bit of a media circus, wasn't it? Yeah. But I would never expect that because uh so like you say and um he called me and unfortunately for him, I I speak uh Spanish. And I say, "What did you say?" And he said again the N word. and he said anyway I don't speak with uh any n the n word. So I remember in that time I was like this is this is when I was like also proud of myself because I was talking to myself should I punch him but Patrice this is a Liverpool Manchester all the kids are watching this game people won't understand so I promise you the I had an amazing first half the second half I was just like it was a process talking to don't do it you know when you have like a the devil and an angel don't do it do it don't do it do it all the game I wasn't in the game and I play okay. He was fine. We drew and after the game I just sat and Ferguson saw me and he was like Patrice uh what's the matter? You know he had a good game. What's the matter? I said no. Uh David de Gay say Suarez call him anito. I was like Patrice let's go take me. We went to the refere the referee. We tell him he take note. But by the way even in the on the pitch I said to the referee did you hear what he just say? He called me with the N word. Come on, Patrick. He called me with the N word. Play, play, play. We're going to deal with that letter. Cuz I forget to always mention that. And it's long time and every interview I never say that. And that referee, we're going to deal with that letter. Really? He called you that? Yes, he did. Okay. So, we went to the official, we tell he say, "Yeah, yeah, Patrice told me about that." So, he was aware. So, Ferguson like kill him. So, you were aware and why you didn't send him off? Uh yeah okay we're going to deal with that and you know to the English federation. So the next day boom front page uh Suarez you know racially abused patra. Well I didn't expect that. So I don't know possible I start to become a liar. I start to become people in jail in Liverpool send many letter of they're going to kill me when they're going to come out of jail. Uh people start following me with my car. I had for three months uh 24 hours like security. But can I be honest with you? Uh my brother, my family, they were like scared. But I was like guys, we don't need that because I'm from the street. So come on, we don't need protection. But the threat were real. That's why my united they say Patrice even if you don't need that we need. So for for 3 months like 24 hours and everything. So unbelievable. But the worst part is when we watch a game with all the player in Ferguson and we saw the Liverpool player came out with that shirt and we support Lisa and the worst part he was like he get banned. So it's not like they do it when before he get the ban he get banned because after he lie he say you know in my country we use the word like I know they use nero but no negto negrito is the n word nero is the color and even I always say to people you don't have to call me by my color my mom give me a name I don't need to be anyway so with the camera they could see with his lips like he say the n word and they support him and he was Kevin Douglish I remember I hate so much Kevin Daglish to let this happen that day and the karma he gets sacked after one month after that game. So I did a a TV show with uh Jimmy Carer and uh I promise you I Jamie like you know we start talking and he said Patrice I just would like to apologize about what's happening nine years ago what we have done is wrong. I was in shock seriously. I didn't expect that. I was like, "Wow, okay." He say, "We didn't know, you know, the club tell us to do that." And and after that, I received like letter from the owner of Liverpool emails saying like, "We more we sorry, you're more than welcome here and everything. You can feel home. I will never feel home when I go to Liverpool. Thank you for that." [laughter] But it was so nice and I know many of my friend they were like, "Patrice uh um you should uh you should forgive them." I say guys it's never it's never too late and I don't have any hate and I and I keep saying I can't call Luis Suarez a racist because I don't know him close enough to call him that way but in that day he used some racist word and he get even worse for him when about the handshake that's when I was like okay it's a disgrace cuz even when I called my mom and my mom said the way in Patric you should forgive and I remember that game was one of the most like topic was the ende it wasn't even Liverpool Manchester that's when I see like he was bigger than the that that things was bigger than the game and when I put and he didn't I was like you put your hand out he didn't shake it and I was like I'm going to kill him now [snorts] I remember that game I even take a Rio Ferino you can see because I wanted to to catch Suarez but he jumped so I take like Rio Ferdino and it's that picture when Rio Ferino he looked like is broking his neck because I wasn't wanted to play the game. I just wanted to kill him. And I have one story also after all those episode. One day I was walking in the Manchester in Dinsgate and uh my brother say, "Oh, he's Loris over there." I was with two of my brother. I look at him. I was like, "That's it. This is the moment." And he woke and behind him I saw his kid and his wife. and we and I turned my back. I was like, if you do something to him, you can't do this in front of his family. So, I don't regret it because I think it will end up bad. And I didn't do nothing that day. I saw him when we play against uh Barcelona with Juventus in the final. I was talking with Neymar. He pass me, shake my hand, say you okay? I say I'm okay. You're okay. So, no beef, but we definitely not going to go in holiday in our life. But yeah, have you forgiven him? Yeah. But because like I say, that's when now we I want to talk a little bit about the racism and uh like I said to people is about education. No one born as a racist person. And you know when you when the football now they ban people when they have those racist comment or I don't think this is the solution cuz if you ban someone you put him I know he's really sensitive but you put him in a box you don't resolve the matter and even that person will even become more racist and feeling more rejected but where he come from I've got friend they're not shamed to tell me Patrice I've got black friend and everything but my daughter or my my uh son will never be with a black belt because my dad or my granddad will never accept it. So that's why I understand you know racisims you need to fight with your own parents it's nothing to do is about religion when it was the Paris attack uh everyone start to blaming the Muslim people Islam I did a post I was on the plane I say you know what and uh by the way I grew up as a Catholic but if you ask me what is your best religion right now is to be the best human being I can I'm not a Catholic I'm not a Muslim but I can pray with Jewish people with Muslim people uh Buddha everything because I respect every religion but now the religion my religion is to be the best human being I can then I did that post when I say I think it's not time to to spread your anger your you know is we should pray for the people we lost and by the way I read the Quran Islam is such a beautiful religion is about love and everything so I really be and it came from my heart and I feel like I had to do My dad called me, "What you doing? You know, you don't know them. They are terrorists and everything." I said, "Dad, this is your opinion, but it's not mine." He put the phone down. We didn't speak for two weeks. He called me after two weeks. He said, "I'm sorry." Say, "Wow, you're a man now. You stood to your own opinion." I say, "Yes, Dad. and I won't change it like you can't because one person do something then all the people are the same. So that's why I like to give this example because sometime you have to stand up against your you know your own your own father even if you scare of him cuz those people the racist is doesn't come like because they just become racist is because they've been taught. So if we want to change something is about the education you know and I have enough people pretending they want to fight against the racism and I will talk about massive like football industry I give the example of the that stupid super league super league yeah a project that project didn't even start we shut down that project in 24 hours I remember I watch on TV my estimate the point that they shouldn't the fan fighting burning things like I was like wow I was watching I was like oh my god they are so unique determinate the president of the the FIFA the web five oh they are snake those owners and stuff like wow we should but I was like but why we don't have the same determination when we talk about racism especially in football players getting abused every single game, but we don't stop. So don't pretend you want to do it when you don't. But the real reason and me I'm straight and maybe I'm irritates certain person that super league you were touching their pocket races. It's not about money. Everyone like you don't care. Play on you know like even social media. I'm someone I am on social media. I don't want any help from Instagram uh from Facebook for every because you can delete your comment you can like block people everything and anyway when I have racist comment I will do a nice video when I'm eating a banana and things because it really like when I was 70 years old people were throwing real banana in my face when I was playing so it's not like someone behind his computer going to affect me but this is Patrice other people they're going to read comment about them they're going to even suicide no when we talking about the mental health. So you have to explain me one things when it's about the COVID 19 you get a flag straight away. But when is about the races like sometime you feel like those social media they just let the the racy they spread the races on on the on the on their own platform. So stop pretending if you want to do something let's do it. But I know until you know money is not involved things will difficult to be changed. Hey, kick the races. They ask me to put the shirts. Many time I go to the one, I didn't put that shirt because I don't it's fake. They they ask me like to say no to the races in front of the camera. Many player respect no to races. But the player they don't they don't even care because they just they tell them to say that [clears throat] come teach to people racism saying those word. Now you I say silence is a crime cuz people lose their life because of that you know you said your religion was to live a good life. No to be the best human being I can be the best human being you can. Um how do you define that now? Uh what does that mean? It mean to uh to be kind to people to be kind to the universe. uh to make the world a better place to help people to to like I'll be honest with you now and I say that not to make myself looking good. When I do a video and I see a comment someone say, "Oh, Patrice, my dad passed away." I watch one of your video and I smile. Thank you. This is more important for me than win the Champions League or the Premier League because this touched my heart you know like I said I play football yeah but my big also one of my biggest achievement and I don't want to talk about it to spread it but is when I opened my two shelter in Sagal more than 400 kids and I remember the day when I went there and they were singing for me because I give them food and you know school and everything that's when I'm like ah And now I know why I'm on earth, not just to kick a ball around. That's it. That's why I say people they I'm like an iceberg. You know, I like to use that that example because I think people didn't see the real Patrice and you know many manager they named me captain of the you know I remember the first time like Ferguson say you're going to be the captain and Rio was still playing Gigs and Wayne run a lot of people. I was like the the French guys from the street is the captain of the biggest club you know in the world but because they know that culture of sharing leadership not being selfish all of that this is me and one things I changed because of my woman is I'm taking care of myself now I also want to be happy because before if the world is happy if you are happy this make me But now Patrice also sometime he take his time like I had like can you believe in the last two years I have just one holiday to tell you like even now I'm retired but I'm more busy than when I used to play but for the first time I turn my phone off for a week and it was just amazing cuz I don't allowed to do that because I've got things to do. I've got people to take care of for the first time I take care of myself. It was just magic like my woman just wanted to lock me down in that island and didn't want me to coming back and I won't be able to do actually this podcast today. So, so we did it. I come back to reality. But yeah, this is tell you like I just I I it's not just want to be good. I just want to be myself and you know I never I had one one problem is like I still like to fight. So this is like from from where I grew up. So sometime my woman teach me like don't use your fist you know again on my book when I kick that fan and people compare me to Eric Kona but it wasn't my you know my goal in Marseilles but it's because this guy say like stop you know like talking like a monkey and anyway when we go back we're going to cut the throw of your kids and I am a human being and that's why people forget sometime footballer player they think we are like robot but no we are we got feeling when he did that he came down so I I kick him. I get uh 8 months ban uh I think 80k or fine or I don't remember. So I'm not perfect and I don't want to be perfect. I want to be me. Some people I am an example for them but I don't want it's not like I want to be an example for anyone. I just want to be me. If I inspire people then perfect. You are an iceberg. You're definitely an iceberg. That's [laughter] for sure. And this book definitely reveals the the rest of the iceberg that doesn't sit above the water. And uh as a as someone as I said that's watched you on screen for many many decades and has seen you more recently on online and as a pundit on TV, I would never have guessed the sort of complexity and backstory that um that you have and your sort of you know it's interesting word to use but your your vulnerability let's say in sharing all of that I think will do more good than you'll ever realize because it it opens the door for other people to share and as we've said it creates a safe space for men, young men, men that come from where you come from, men like me to also share. And in sharing, we liberate ourselves. That tends to be what happens. And then we we are we have permission to live a more free life because because of that. So I want to thank you for that. I think that's uh one of the most um amazing things you can do and you've done that with this book and um on behalf of everybody that has the chance of reading it and I hope everybody does go and read it. Um thank you. Oh, thank thanks to you to having me and to also some emotion, you know, you you bring out some emotion. I didn't know one and I did many interview when I'm doing my book tour and question like you asked me today and it's really I trust you the way I I've been honest and no thank to you because I'm already feeling better and [snorts] that's why I hope like every people and every kids they have the chance to to read my book and you know if they had like those issue to to come out it's not easy you know it's easy for me to tell them please come out but trust someone trust someone and trust me you is a massive like things I've got in my chest for so many years and for me like I said to my mom traveling and she was just devastated and sometimes she still send me some voice notes she's crying because she could still don't understand so don't keep it don't keep it tell it to your parents tell to your brother or your sister I've got 24 brothers and sister and I didn't even tell that to any one of them so be yourself, enjoy your life, live the present, and be good to the universe. That's a beautiful ending. I have just one more question for you. And this is a question. This is a new tradition we've started, Patrice. Yeah. Where the previous guest on this podcast leaves a a question for the next guest. So, the previous guest left a question for you, and you're going to leave a a question for the next guest as well. And I'm going to find out what that question is because I've not actually read it yet. Okay, here we go. Name three people, dead or alive, that you would have dinner with tonight if you could. My mom, my woman, and you. [laughter] Oh, that's a tremendous honor. Yeah. Why me? Because because the way you many things came out and and you're an interesting person and I feel energy and I feel your soul and you're a good soul and I can see you're doing all of this because you want to make the world a better place and you know when you surrendered around people like you, you just improve and that's what I wanted. You know sometime I'm like don't surrender about negative people help them also to understand why they are negative but your your energy you're really curious I can feel it you're going deep you want to understand the reason why because it's easy to to the book I have do but I wanted someone was able to ask me the reason why and that's what I you know I can have a conversation and we can have a dinner and we're going to talk about a lot of things and I really about the toxic you know masculinity so that's why I picked Thank you. Okay. Well, we're going to organize that dinner. So, you know, [laughter] we we'll we'll figure it out. Um, for sure. Cuz I I feel the same way. And as I'm still kind of early on that journey of understanding my ego and to toxic masculinity and how it stands in my way, the more men that I can speak to like yourself that have been on that journey and started to learn the lessons, the better it will be for myself selfishly. But hopefully that's uh, you know, and I think, you know, the the the good I think we've just done talking about that today. And it's funny because I I know some of the people that listen to this and where they listen to it because they tag me and they are men that are driving eight hours on a Monday morning up and down the country in big vans. They are builders on building sites that want to be entrepreneurs. And just again, as we've done on this podcast, creating that safe space where we can talk about feelings and crying and your emotions and communicate communicating what's going on in your life. Oh, it's the most important service I think we can do to men. Um, so I hope we can carry on that conversation and I'm going to be pestering your PA to organize this dinner. Going to pass you the book to write a question for my next guest, but thank you so much. It's been an absolute honor. Honestly, it's been an absolute honor and you're a you're even more of a role model to me than you have been for the last 20 years. And that's been that's hard to beat. So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [music] [music] Heat. Heat. N. [music]