Neurodivergent Friendship: Why It Looks Different and How to Help

Okay, so today we're thinking about seven quick wins for helping neurodivergent children make and keep friends. Now, when I started doing deeper and further research on this topic, particularly having seen how many of you were interested in it, I started to feel the pressure. How can I help to get this right for you? The other thing I found, as I did more and more research on this, was that I felt quite affirmed as a neurodivergent adult myself. I'm autistic. Um and in terms of my friendships, it was actually quite validating going and learning more about um friendships within the neurodivergent community and realizing that it didn't have [laughter] to look like how I thought it had to look like. So, what I have learned will be shared over the next 20 minutes or so, but it's a bit different than the session that I thought I was going to be bringing to you. The session I thought I was going to be bringing to you was very much, this is how we do it. But actually, I think the most important thing that I'm going to do today is talk to you about this. That neurodivergent friendship, it's not broken, it is just different. Our job isn't to fix it. So, a lot of what we're actually going to talk about over the next 20 minutes or so is actually recognizing friendship in all of its different forms for the different children and young people in our care. And for the neurodivergent adults amongst you, I'm sure you will hopefully recognize a bit of yourself here too and perhaps feel a bit of validation for your own friendships. So, I do think this really matters because otherwise we end up trying to fit square pegs in round holes. And one of the things we need to recognize is that some of our neurodivergent community have got some really beautiful friendships going on, but it just might not look how we expect. So, that's number one. Friendship doesn't always look like friendship. Friendship takes many, many different forms and guises, and as a parent, a carer, a teacher, a teaching assistant, we might be looking to see if our children are getting on okay and have got lots of friends and are playing nicely, or other ways that we've traditionally looked for this, and we might be kind of missing the point. Because actually, for neurodivergent kids, friendship can take lots of different forms. So, things that might show that there's kind of friendship, connection, belonging going on here, just things like who they choose to sit with, who they feel comfortable with, who do they seem relaxed and calmer and perhaps a little bit happier around. There's not always going to necessarily be that same sort of friendship, and there might not be the noisiness and the interaction you might expect from other kids. They might just be quietly in each other's presence, feeling comfortable and being themselves. It might be who they're asking about, the people they notice the absence of. Some of our neurodivergent kids can occasionally seem not that bothered about all that many of their classmates or their peers, but there might be just one or two people whose absence they actually notice, and I'd get curious about this and think, is there anything I can do to support what is perhaps going well here? A really big thing that came up again and again and again, and we need to think about this across the ages, is the idea of parallel play. Now, I've got on my soapbox about this in the past, so I'll keep it brief, but essentially, we often are looking for children, and indeed adults, to interact, um and that that feels like the gold standard of friendship. But actually, being alongside comfortably is a very, very valid way of playing, of being, of connecting, of belonging. So, it may be that you've got two children, for example, who are independently creating LEGO alongside each other, but the fact that they're doing it alongside each other, rather than with, does not actually make it less valid. If they are both enjoying it, um that's very, very valid. And I say that we need to look at this across the ages because this is something, you know, I I very much recognize in myself, too. Some of my really happy times with some of my closest friends will be whilst we're doing different things in the same room. I'm sure there are times when we interact. Sometimes just having someone that you can quietly be alongside whilst you're each lost in your own special interest or regulating or just feeling comfortable in the world for once is really, really special. So, being alongside, companionship in silence without interaction could be a sign of friendship for some of your young people. And then the little signs that you might look out for, that little smile, the little lighting up when a particular person walks in might show that this is someone uh who a young person treasures a little bit more than others. So, it might not be really obvious. They might not be holding hands and skipping around the playground and interacting in the ways that we might look for, but there might be something just a little bit different going on here. And I start here because otherwise we might be worrying unnecessarily about some of our children because we might think they don't have any friends because they're not conveying friendship in a neurotypical way, but actually they might have one or more lovely friends uh and lovely friendships going on there, but we just haven't recognized it as such. So, let's not invalidate and write off those different-looking friendships. And they might just have the one friend. And this is something else that it becomes important for us to recognize here. Um one of the other mistakes that we can sometimes make is thinking that quantity is more important than quality. But actually one good friend or small number of closer friendships can work really, really well. And this is true, of course, for neurotypical children, too, but it's particularly uh something we see more often in our neurodivergent community where they really cleave to one particular person, where they seem to really speak each other's language, um and we see that friendship run really deep. And we might not get it, and they might find all sorts of ways to interact with each other and be together and experience the world together that make no sense to us at all. But if it makes sense to them and they're enjoying it, then that's just fine. I was told by a mum recently about her little boy and his friend who would come around and they would just sit together in silence with their hands on the tumble dryer and just sit there and giggle. And that was it. That they would do this apparently for quite long periods of time, but there was clearly just something about this that they found some sort of sensory joy or something together, and this was something that they shared. And you know what? If that's what friendship looked like and felt like for them, then that's okay. One special person, someone who you really trust, who you can really be yourself with, um is often much, much more valuable than being surrounded by many people and looking popular, but having to do so in a way where you're trying to conform uh and and perhaps mask to appear a little bit more like everyone else. So just having that one person who you can be your daft, kooky, real, unmasked self with can be really special. So we might want to think about a little bit about how we frame this, how we approach it. So things we might be thinking about as parents, teachers, professional, um rather than thinking, you know, "Is Charlie making lots of friends?" We might be thinking, "Does Charlie seem content with who they spend time with?" It doesn't matter if Charlie isn't making lots of friends as long as Charlie is happy um with the friend or two that they might have. Rather than highlighting only one friend as if that's a bad thing, actually looking at that one friend and that one friendship and recognizing the strengths there, perhaps it's strong and settled. Looking for well-being in the child rather than quantity of friendships, and looking for depth of friendship rather than the deficit because there aren't many. So generally looking for quality over quantity and respecting that for some children there might be just a very small number, even just one friend, but it might be a very very special one. I I felt felt quite strongly about this as I was putting the materials together. So, there are slides and companion notes for you as well. And yeah, I have lots and lots and lots of people around me in my life, but very very few people with whom I have deeper friendships at any one time. And that can be difficult when you kind of look at how other people have their, you know, day-to-day life and you can end up comparing yourself, but actually the few very special people I have who I trust um worth to me much much more than having hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that might make me look very popular. And Ian, I would count you amongst those just for what it's worth. >> [gasps] >> I don't know if you have any other >> Well, and thank you. How beautiful that is. Thank you. I would very much count you also. So, quality over quantity. I love that. Thank you. >> Um point number three is about shared interests and connections. So, sometimes we can look at children who are doing a thing together and we think it's just that they are that the activity is just a thing rather than the thing, if that makes sense. So, that the the the interest might be a barrier to a real friendship cuz they're just too busy getting on with the the the club, the activity, the Minecraft, the whatever it might be. When actually sometimes the interest is the friendship. And we can build really special friendships sometimes through a shared deep interest. So, some of our neurodivergent kids will have particular interests sometimes over long periods of time, sometimes over a periods, sometimes a few, sometimes just the one. But if they can find another child who shares that interest and with whom they can info dump on each other and be you know, kind of interested and heard, that can be really special. Now, it can again look you know, particularly to a neurotypical outsider and this is true when observing neurodivergent adults in these interactions much as it is with children, it can look like there's not a lot of turn-taking going on. It can seem like one person is just talking at the other sometimes for example and it can even be like a sort of unusual turn-taking in that one will info dump about their latest thing that they've been researching and understanding and learning about and then the other will info dump and it might not even seem that related. It might not seem like you know, typical turn-taking where they're responding to each other but rather just perhaps, you know, they've learned to take it in turns, maybe even some interrupting and talking over each other. But rest assured, this is often something that's bringing both a lot of joy. And when you have a really deep interest in something that other people aren't that bothered about, when you find someone who really likes it, that's really special. You'll know that one of the main pictures I've put on here is a couple of lads at a heritage railway because that's one of my special interest and when I find other people who are happy to talk about or go to or enjoy heritage railways, that's something that's really exciting and we can go off on talking at each other, info dumping about our latest joys there. I'm always wanting to talk about signal boxes and signaling because that's my thing, but the person I'm talking to might be much more interested in the locos themselves for example and wants to talk to me about that, but we'll both be yeah, enjoying each other's joy and there's a lot that we can kind of pick up from mirroring each other's sort of vicarious pleasure there. So, the interest isn't a barrier. It is the thing and we might actually think about how we can bring young people together who've got those shared interests. Because what can sometimes happen here is that you might be aware that your child or a child in your class, for example, has a particular interest. They might have made this known to you. Maybe if you're not that interested, uh you might have heard a lot about it more than you'd like. Um and you might be very aware well aware of this. You might be aware of another child or be made aware of another child who shares this similar interest, but the chances of those two two children finding each other and interacting without some support or intervention might be fairly low. Um so, some of our neurodivergent children can find it harder to know how to start these conversations or even that it would be a good thing. Um unless the you know, that the right opportunity arises for them. So, we can do things to help with that because where we can get these kids together, it can be real magic. So, we might set up particular clubs. Um sometimes we can encourage children to start these things with a bit of adult support as well. I heard about another Dungeons and Dragons club at a secondary school recently. This is always a great way to get a whole bunch of ND kids together in the same room. Um but this was yeah, ND kids who wanted to run the club and they had a little bit of support um from the adults around them in order to get it up and running and then they were kind of well away. They just needed the space, a bit of structure, and a bit of support to get it going. Um so, we might help with the with the running of clubs. Um and uh try to validate the different things that our children are interested in rather than always going down the route of these are the clubs that we have run and will always run. It might be that there are some different things that we should try and reflect the diverse interests uh of our community. Um at home, we can again be thinking about for our child or children um what it is that they're accessing, how we can try to provide opportunities for them to meet other children or indeed adults who share an interest with them Um and perhaps [clears throat] through a little bit of support in terms of just sometimes opening up and starting those conversations which can feel very very difficult if we've got a child who's less used to starting these interactions. If you know of a family member perhaps or someone who is close to the family who might like to take your child a little under their wing, who might share this kind of interest and be happy to enjoy it with them a little, that can make a really big difference. Again, going back to the heritage railways, it always really brings great joy to my heart when I see children enjoying this with adults around them, whether that's you know someone who looks like it might be a brother, an uncle, a mom, whoever it might be, someone who's actually sort of actively taking that interest. But even more when I see young people having the opportunity to enjoy this together. I've got little little little plans of floating my head to try and get involved with a little bit of youth work there in the future, how we can get our young people together at these things. And but then yeah, and then the general thing here, always actually just naming the shared interest aloud where you see it. So if you're aware of a shared interest between two people, just not being afraid to be the match maker. It might feel a little bit awkward and strange and you might think, "Oh, surely they know." Just assume that they don't and just let them know. "Adam, I know that you're really into Pokémon. Sophie's really into Pokémon as well. Why don't you tell each other about your favorite ones?" Or what have you, just a little something to get them started can often be a really helpful bit of social glue and then often they'll be well away. This won't work by the way if you try to introduce a couple of kids together who are neurodivergent who where you're just expecting them to get on and like each other because they just happen to be the same age and you think that they should like the same things. I I I I find this generally baffling for you know adults working with and supporting children of all uh whether neurodivergent or not, that we do seem to think like, "Oh, these two children are both seven. They should get on." Why should they? Why should they? But particularly neurodivergent children, because we, you know, I and this is a great challenge I face in everyday life. I am interested deeply in many things, but if I'm not interested, I find it very, very hard to feign interest. Hence, not so good at all the small talk and chatting about, you know, how did How did you get here? I just traveled to Derby yesterday and got off and "Oh, yeah, which route did you take?" I don't know. I don't care. I'm literally not interested. I appreciate you're just trying to make small talk, and that's a thing that we do, but I find it hard to to be polite in these circumstances. Um and our kids are less good at masking this than we are, and we'll just literally be like, "I am not bothered. I'm not bothered." You'll say people are thinking like, "Not bothered." So, not So, what was her name? Anyway, one of you will remember, but from Little Yeah, "Am I bothered?" Anyhow, so but if we can introduce them on a topic, a passion, a shared skill, a shared interest that they genuinely interested in, then magic will often happen. Okay, number four is about stop forcing the group. So, sometimes we worry about the child who is alone, and we try to get them to join in with things. We might do this as a parent, as a carer, as a teacher, as another professional, worried about a particular child because they are alone. And the big question that we need to ask ourselves often here is, are they alone and lonely, or are they alone and happy? Um sometimes they're alone and lonely, and for sure, we need to think then about how to support, but sometimes that time alone is really crucial and really important for this child. Sometimes this is the thing, particularly at school, break times and lunch times might be the one opportunity this child has to take a step away from the often general overwhelm of school, to take a breath, to engage in their special interest, perhaps do a bit of reading or research or thinking about the thing that lights them up in order to get back to a regulated state so they might then be able to actually engage with the next lesson. If instead we enforce that they play with other children, that they have to interact, that they have to join in with gossiping in the playground or kicking around the ball or whatever it might be for their age and stage, um then that is adding more load. It's creating more demand for them if this is something that doesn't feel natural for them. And rather than break time being a break for them, it becomes more sort of stress, more challenge, more demand. Um so we need to just resist that reflex to make them join in because we think that that's what being happy and settled at school looks like. So, if we observe our child, if it's like this little girl on the left here, if they seem settled and relaxed, they are probably just fine. They're probably having one of the more peaceful, restorative bits of their day. But, if they do seem like they're kind of sitting on the edges, looking in, maybe you know, you might be picking up vibes that they might want to join in, they might seem a bit upset, then perhaps they do want to join in, but they're not quite sure how. If we think that is the case, then we should ask very specifically whether they would like to join in or give them an actual option. "Would you like me to see whether you can join in with the ball games that Mr. Jones is organizing at lunchtime?" Give them a really specific ask that they can understand exactly what it is that you're offering, um and make sure they don't feel pressured into it, that it's okay for them to say no. And if they do go to join in and you try to uh create a situation um that they know how to escape from it if they decide that it becomes too much. There needs to be an exit strategy for them as well if this is something that's new to them. But whatever their answer, please believe them. If you approach this girl and all of what you think should be her friendship group are playing together and she's on the outskirts and you say, "Well, don't you want to join in?" If she says, "No, actually, I'm really happy reading my book." Believe her. Believe her. Okay, number five um is that we shouldn't mistake masking for success. So, on the other hand, we had our young girl just there who was sitting reading her book quite happily just being herself at break time. On the other hand, we get some kids who join in beautifully and it looks like they've got loads of friends and everything's going great at school. Um and what we hear back from school is, "Yeah, yeah, really good. He's settling in really, really well. Got a lovely friendship group." And we observe them interacting, smiling, having a nice time. And then they go home and they just seem to fall apart. Now, we've talked about this in many, many other webinars that the the challenge of masking. Um and this can happen and it can be very actively encouraged by us accidentally because the kinds of questions that we're asking around friendships and the kind of things that we're encouraging or don't you want to play with your friends? Or it was lovely to see you playing football with everyone at break time. Or whatever it might be. Like we we get excited and really happy when our children make friends and are surrounded by friends. And so, they learn that that is something they're going to get praised for. That's something that we feel happy when we observe. And so, sometimes the mask starts to go on and at their own cost, they will work really, really hard to do things that might be a little uncomfortable. Maybe they would be happier reading their book. Or maybe they would be happier being in a small structured group where they're talking about particular interest. Maybe they would be happier quietly getting on with some Lego alongside one friend quietly rather than some uh big interactive uh playtime game. So, when they're doing the thing that doesn't feel comfortable, then not only are they not getting the chance to reset, but it is also using up their capacity. And so, by the time that they get home, mom, dad, carer will often see the more challenged child who may shut down completely having nothing left to give in order to interact at home or may or who may melt down and we might see anger, frustration, tears, big stuff from them. So that can be very challenging too. And as we move into the teenage years sometimes as well then that challenge can become more internal and this is when we'll sometimes begin to see the emergence of things like self-harm and eating disorders as well as people are trying to manage all this this this difficult stuff that they don't have the opportunity to work through in the course of the school day. So the mask is the problem not the proof that things are fine. So you know, this is perhaps repeating a little bit from other webinars, but we need to touch in on this because it is really crucial. If we're expecting friendship to look the same for all children, then essentially we're encouraging masking from the children and young people in our care. And masking is it is really detrimental over time, but also like regardless of of the the negative outcomes of masking, it also just means we don't get to appreciate and enjoy this child in their fullness. We won't get to know and love the real them and for them to understand that it's okay for to be their unique and special selves. So things that we can do here. So first of all, so those of you at school, just to believe parents when the child seems fine if they say that they're struggling. Really, really important to listen to that. That can be a real sign that masking is happening if the child seems to fall apart at home. Um the parents actually protecting that time. I've talked quite a lot about nothing time, but nothing time at the end of the day and the beginning of the school holidays so our children can recover. School is is is challenging. Can be absolutely brilliant, but can be very challenging for many of our children and just a little bit of space to kind of take a breath, reset before we're expecting to engage and interact. Nothing time can also be used really proactively if our child is going to engage in say clubs and activities. It might be that you've got a horse mad child and you want to take him along to the stables every Saturday morning with a group of other kids and this feels like a really positive thing and I very much encourage you to do that today and they will hopefully be in their element, but it will still come with challenge. You know, new place, new smell, still quite a lot of interaction to manage. There might be one or two people that they really gel with there, but there's going to be a lot going on. A bit of nothing time before that so that they are they've not had lots of demands made of them. They're arriving as their most regulated and settled self and then some nothing time after that, no demands, no questions, no expectations can really really help to enable them to enjoy that time and then to enjoy what else comes as the rest of your day or the rest of your weekend. So that nothing time, these buffers, it can be short periods of time. It might just be a few minutes and again it can be helpful in the school day in break times and lunch times, but at the end of the school day and beginning of the holidays again and after particular activities might be a little bit longer, might be half an hour, an hour, whatever your child needs in order to get to the point where they feel regulated and ready to re-engage. And then for everyone actually just noticing the cost. So over time if a child is appearing fine, happy, surrounded by friends, we might notice some signs where they begin to be more tired, where they recover more slowly when it comes to the holidays, where we're seeing more physical illness, perhaps they're getting tummy aches, headaches, nausea, that sort of thing. So noticing the cost rather than just the performance, the fact that they are doing well and surrounded by friends. And And this point here on the right of the healthiest version of school friendship for an ND child often looks less impressive than the masked version. And we should welcome that. So, it might not look like having the most friends, being the most popular kid, and we need to be okay with that. And we need to encourage that and support that and think about how to enable it and allow that child to thrive in the way that feels comfortable for them. I think. That was quite soapbox moment, wasn't it? Okay, so number six of seven, so we're nearly there, um is to engineer the conditions, not the friendship. So, the point here is that you can't make two kids be friends, but you can remove the obstacles. So, a little bit like I said was talking about earlier, where you might be aware of two children who share a particular interest. You can't force them to be friends, but you can remove the obstacles. So, in this instance, it might be that you know that Mark and Maya both have a particular interest in, I don't know, Minecraft, say. Um and uh the the obstacle might be that they both find it very difficult to start a conversation with someone. They just don't quite know how to do that. And so, you might remove the obstacle by enabling that conversation to start, for instance. So, there are a few different things that we can do here to kind of create the conditions. We can't force friendship, but we can create the right conditions in order for it to grow and thrive. So, that niche interest space, a little bit like we talked about before, the idea of having particular clubs or groups. So, putting children in the same space with other people who share an interest with them. When we put them in the right place, then perhaps they'll find someone with whom that magic happens. This does not have to be a physical place. It can absolutely be online. And I do think that's a really important thing for us to recognize here. There will be some kids for whom their very best friendships and their best interactions happen almost wholly online. And I have to say this is something I have observed in myself and also in my daughters as well that the quality of conversations that they have often had with people when they are online is often very very different than what happens in real life even with the same people and I am much the same. One of my closest friends became a very close friend because in a moment of I don't know unmasked honesty at a very low point in my life when I met them I said more than happy to be friends really need you to be good at WhatsApp really don't do small talk so that that was that we basically largely WhatsApp and there was never any small talk only big talk and it's very very beautiful friendship as a result and and that's different than how some people would manage it. Some people would much rather have much more face-to-face interaction but for me a lot of that depth is built through the written word where I'm not having to second-guess what someone's facial expressions mean or try to read their tone of voice. When I am having face-to-face conversations with people and I think this is very true of many neurodivergent people I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because they are able to read so many different things from other people's faces tones of voice body language that I can do because I've practiced really hard but it's like speaking in a second language. So if we can take all that away and level the playing field by using something like WhatsApp then suddenly this feels much much more fair and possible for me. It also means that because I like many neurodivergent people struggle with my executive function I can read back through what's been said, and I can um think carefully about what I want to say, and I can reply at a time that makes sense to me, rather than having to respond right away. And that very quick response that's expected in face-to-face conversation can actually be a barrier to friendship as well for some of us. So, if finding different ways for these friendships to happen, and not dismissing online friendships, is something I think is important. Predictable arrangements can create the conditions for friendship. You might uh think about your seating plan in your classroom quite carefully. Um if you think that, you know, you you you you you've got a bit of feel for a couple of young people that might get on well, you might choose to sit them predictably next to each other. Consistency, predictability, removes a lot of anxiety and creates a feeling of safety. And only once we've got that, are we likely to be able to take that next step to kind of towards creating friendships. So, think about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and creating that basic need of safety being met is going to be a prerequisite um for friendship sort of happening. But also, on a very basic level, we do tend, just as a human race, to form friendships with people uh with whom we regularly interact. That can be just a nice way to kick things off. Um a quiet alternative, so actually having somewhere quiet that kids could go at break times and lunch times, so that friendships have the capacity to form. A child whose only opportunity to interact with their friends outside of class time is happening in a very busy playground, where they might be feeling generally overwhelmed, is a child who's going to be feeling less safe and more in that uh dysregulated space, and it's not good conditions for friendship. So, again, we need to think, where will this child, these children, feel safe, calm, and regulated? That's the place in which friendships may have the opportunity to grow. Um so, is it possible, for example, they could be in the library at break time, um, or another specific space. Again, another soapbox I've been on lately is about creating spaces of belonging for neurodivergent children in their break times and lunch times. So, we have got better at thinking about where can they escape from the chaos and unpredictability and lack of structure that is the playground, um, and the external spaces at lunch time and break time. So, there are sometimes places they can escape to, but I think we need to go a step further, and rather than them thinking, "Where can I go to get away from what's going on there?" rather think, "Where can I run towards because I belong there." So, taking the library, the example I keep giving is rather than it just being a space I've escaped to, it being a place where I feel I belong because, uh, the librarian has saved me a book on the topic that I'm really interested in, and that made me feel seen, understood, and like I'm really, really wanted in this space. So, let's have spaces our children can run towards, be they clubs, be they quiet spaces that are not just refugees away from, but somewhere they can run towards, feel safe, and have those basic conditions where friendships could happen, should they want to. Um, and then a buddy chosen with care. So, thinking about, when you're thinking about who you might sit that child next to or encourage support with, uh, actually thinking about who who might work here. You don't want to just put them next to the most popular kid, you want to think about what are their sort of shared interests and values. Who's going to be calm, kind, and patient, and really crucially, who's not going to tease this kid? Because some of our ND kids will be a little bit quirky, will be a little bit different, and some kids are really kind, and some kids are less so. So, let's just think carefully about that. And then finally, um, I've kind of probably covered this off a little bit throughout, but I think it's really important that we just think about how we talk about friendship. When we as the adults start to talk about this differently, then our children start to feel a little bit differently, too, and they can have a bit more confidence in the friendships they're developing. So, these will be really simple changes, but that can be quite big in terms of what we're actually saying here. So, did you play with anyone? But rather we might say instead, "Did you have a nice time?" Because our child might not have played with someone in the traditional sense, but they might have had a really nice time in kind of parallel play, being alongside. Did they enjoy themselves? Most important thing. Did you make lots of friends? Again, let's change that. Did you find your people? Did you find your tribe? Did you gel with someone? Actually, rather than making it about quantity, looking for that quality. Did you join in? Instead, were you comfortable? How did it feel? And X is popular um and thinking that this is the be-all and end-all being the popular kid, but rather X and Y really get each other. And really appreciating those one-to-one friendships that are really special rather than always looking to being the most popular kids in the class. And yeah, and then this, when we name an unconventional friendship, we tell the child that it counts. So, like these two here um who are just getting on with their own thing alongside each other, but perhaps that's really special for them and perhaps that's something they do all the time. Noticing and naming that and validating it as an adult is really important to the child. I've noticed you and Mia always end up doing art together. That's lovely. Or you and Sam really get each other, don't you? Name it. Notice it and name it. That validates it for the child and it allows them to lean into that friendship and feel really proud of it rather than feeling that they are getting it wrong because they're not doing friendship like everyone else in their class. Okay, that was a whistle-stop tour. I'm not sure I lived up to the promise of trying to go more slowly. I'm sorry. Um but while I sum up, do you have a little think and put in the chat any questions that you have got um which we'll come to in a moment. And also just think about what resonated for you and what you might do a little bit differently or any experience you might like to share. And then we'll go into Q&A in a moment with Ian as well. Um, so the seven points here we were thinking about. So, friendship doesn't always look like friendship. Do not judge our neurodivergent children or adults based on what neurotypical friendship looks like. That one good friend is enough. Quality rather than quantity. That shared interest is the connection. Doing the thing together is friendship. It's not in the way of it. Stop forcing the group. If a child is alone and happy, that's okay. We'll only look to change things if they're alone and lonely, and we can find out by interacting with them. Don't mistake masking for success. So, the child who seems to have lots and lots of friends and be very, very engaged and joyful in that group at school, but who we are seeing is really struggling at home, let's wonder what's going on there and why they feel the need to mask in this way and how we can allow them to be a more authentic version of themselves, perhaps. Engineer the conditions, not the friendship. We can't force kids to like each other and get on with each other and be friends, but we can create those safe conditions of belonging where the friendship might develop. And then let's talk about friendships a little bit differently. Let's celebrate the special stuff that is happening between our neurodivergent youngsters rather than making them feel that they're somehow missing out because they're not doing friendship in the way that other people are. Okay. Then it's time for the cringey picture of me in my uniform. Uh, well, and uh, you can download the slides and the notes from today's session. Ian and the team will be sending them on ahead with the recording as well. Um, and another couple of places you might choose to, uh, join along with me, um, are on Patreon where I share resources every week, um, and also on Instagram where I, uh, share little videos and carousels explaining all sorts of different things, but largely ND related.