Video summary
In this clip from a Tom Bilyeu podcast, a listener shares his marital struggles where he and his wife had become mere roommates co-parenting their two children after sex declined significantly three years prior to the discussion. The husband attempted various solutions like initiating intimacy, planning date nights, and increasing household contributions, but his efforts were met with excuses of fatigue or feelings of pressure until a year ago when he stopped trying entirely. This withdrawal caused friction as his wife felt neglected, leading him to explain that love feels different in one-sided relationships. He argues that marriage is fundamentally a negotiation where kindness acts as leverage for men while sex serves as a point of leverage for women, emphasizing the necessity of training spouses by reinforcing desired behaviors and setting boundaries against unwanted ones rather than hiding behind niceties or pretending dynamics aren't transactional. Bilyeu expands on this dynamic by discussing how couples must influence each other's emotions over decades to shape one another into a cooperative unit without falling victim to modern misconceptions about independence that ignore evolutionary biology. He recounts his own twenty-three-year marriage where he and his wife, Lisa, established a system of "shock absorbers" or grace periods; for instance, if she was emotionally volatile due to her cycle, they allowed ten lines of behavior before addressing the eleventh as disproportionate. This approach fostered high-level communication where they could create space during conflicts but immediately welcome each other back once issues were resolved, transforming their marriage into a rewarding partnership that Bilyeu values above financial success or career achievements. The conversation delves deeper into gender roles and evolutionary psychology, with Bilyeu asserting that men are naturally goal-oriented while women require protection, leadership, and boundary-setting to feel secure enough to be ambitious and aggressive in the world. He uses an analogy of a dog on a leash to illustrate how knowing there is someone who will pull them back if they get out of whack makes individuals more confident and capable; similarly, having a partner who helps manage emotional outbursts allows women to take bigger risks outside the home because they know their base security is maintained. Bilyeu highlights that his wife bet on him when others saw him as a loser with long hours in bed before proposing, seeing potential rather than current status, which motivated him to strive for greatness and leverage her desire to help him achieve it. A critical point of communication identified by the speaker involves understanding distinct love languages: women generally need to feel loved emotionally before they are willing to have sex, whereas men often require sexual intimacy to feel loved. Bilyeu stresses that a woman's receptivity is an act of high trust and submission that should never be taken for granted or disrespected, noting that foreplay extends far beyond the bedroom into daily interactions like grocery shopping and playful gestures. He references Sting's quote about sex lasting eight hours, clarifying it refers to these cumulative acts of care rather than duration in bed, reinforcing that earning sexual intimacy through consistent emotional connection is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship where both partners feel valued and understood.
Read the full video transcript
My wife stopped having sex with me, so I
stopped doing things for her.
>> Yeah.
>> Me, 37-year-old male, wife 32 female,
have been married for 7 years. We have
two kids. For the first few years, sex
was great. Not just the physical part,
but the connection. Then about 3 years
ago, it slowed down a lot. Now we're
basically roommates who co-parent. I've
tried initiating, I've tried talking
about it, I tried planning date nights,
even helping more around the house.
Every time I bring it up, she says she's
too tired, or not in the mood, or that I
make her feel pressured by even bringing
it up. So about a year ago, I just
stopped. Now she's upset that I've
changed and that I'm not as loving
anymore. I told her straight up that
love feels different when it's
one-sided.
>> Marriage is a negotiation. Sex is a
point of leverage for women, typically.
Kindness is and all the little sweet
things that I think women are far more
drawn to is certainly uh a leverage
point that men have. You are going to
train your spouse. You are going to
reinforce behavior you want more of, and
you are going to {quote} unquote punish
behavior that you want less of. That is
plain and simple, and you can hide
behind niceties and pretend that's not
what's going on all you want, and
marriage is going to be one long
confusing endeavor for you. The reality
is, this is how we interface with the
world. When someone does something you
don't like, you tell them. You pull it
up short, you draw boundaries, you say
I'm not going to put up with that
anymore, I don't want that. Now,
understand how to interact with people
to actually get what you want. That a
smile, uh touch, a hug, uh kindness,
doing something sweet for somebody.
If you frame it as this is all
tit-for-tat, everything is transactional
in a relationship, you are also going to
be confused, and your life is going to
be a nightmare, and you're not going to
understand like what's going on. If on
the other hand, you go, "Hey, a big part
of this game is manipulating my own
emotions, and manipulating their
emotions." And everybody hates that
word, and I'm perfectly open, influence,
nudge, push, gently influence, like
whatever people want to call it, fine.
But the reality is that you are going to
play a multi-decade, if it goes well, a
multi-decade game of influencing your
partner to do more of what you want and
less of what you don't want. And, you
should welcome that they are going to do
the same to you. And, we broke
something, Drew, when we stopped
admitting that part of a woman's job is
to make her man better. And, part of a
man's job is to put some boundaries on
the emotional outbursts of a woman. That
just is. I am a better person because of
my wife. I push for more, I strive for
more because she had huge demands of me.
And, it has been awesome. And, thank God
that when I did something cool, that
woman would
uh
touch my genitals, Drew. And, when she
want I literally told her one day, "The
way to my heart is not through my
stomach, it's through my dick. And, if
you understand that, we are going to get
along really [ __ ] well." And so, she
was like, "Oh, word?" So, I remember
>> Say less, fam.
>> No, we're going to say more. We're we're
really about to go deep. And, my wife is
going to have to forgive me for airing
all of this
uh stuff. And, I look, I get it.
Someone's saying, "Tom, kind of icky
right now." Scrub a derba, I'm just
letting you know how this all plays out.
And, I've been married for 23 glorious
years. It's been a
>> We'll have to see her later, Tom. Come
on.
>> I know.
My wife
was like, she really enjoyed shopping
and I didn't. And, I was like, "If you
touch me up in the changing room, we're
going to have no problems. I'll go with
shopping with you as much as you want."
So, she started touching me up in the
changing room. And, I was like, "Let's
go shopping." So,
>> Who wants to wake her up on a Saturday
morning? Who's ready to go shopping
today?
>> Of course! Who wouldn't, Drew? So, I'm
just saying, I don't get why people are
so weird about this. Like, what is it
that you want? Communicate to your
spouse. Let them know the things you
like. Let them know the things you don't
like. And, don't be transactional. Try
to figure out like, how do we like get
connected over this? How do we bond over
this? How do we understand? Life is
hard. We're doing it together. That I
want you to shape me. I want to shape
you, but I want to love and be loved,
and I want grace. And when I mess up, I
don't want you to just immediately
tit-for-tat. It's like, you've got to
have grace is what I call shock
absorbers. You've got to let the person
do things where it's like, okay, look,
that's kind of wacky, but I'm not going
to like jump in and draw a hard line
every time that you Like, I remember
Lisa and I, we would say,
look, if you're about to come on your
period and you were being overly
emotional, I'm going to let you cross
like 10 lines. And then line 11, I will
eventually say I And this was a magic
phrase. I think that your response is
disproportionate to the stimulus. And
that was a way of just saying, listen,
I've been absorbing all of these things
that feel like overreactions, but I
might be wrong, and maybe that's not it,
maybe there really is something real
here, but there is an eventual line
where you cross where I'm like, okay,
hold on. This is so disproportionate now
to the stimulus, I'm going to call it
out. And then if you disagree, like walk
me through, but we know this is a
literal cycle that happens, and it's
very predictable, and so let's just talk
about it. And so Lisa and I being able
to talk about the things we like, the
things that we don't like, creating
space when it's like, hey, if you want
to go do that thing that I really don't
like, fair enough, like I'm going to go
over here, I'm going to do my thing, and
then you would welcome the person back
into your space immediately when they
stop doing the thing that you didn't
want. And all of these little
negotiations have made our communication
extremely high level, have made our
marriage the most rewarding thing in my
life, far more rewarding than money or
success
is my marriage. My marriage is the thing
that I will defend literally to the
death. But we understood that this is
all going to be these little
negotiations, that we were going to
influence each other, that we were I'm
not going to hang out with you if you're
doing something that I absolutely hate.
And so it's like, yeah, these are all
fine. And so over time, you begin to
shape each other into like this
cooperative unit, but people have at
some point decided that we didn't want
to be units. Lisa and I have talked a
lot about
we are
independently codependent. Like we have
intentionally
like fostered that we're sharing a life.
That if you're if something's really
upsetting you, then I'm going to enter
into that world and I'm going to come
into that emotional frame. I'm going to
try to help you back out for sure. But
it's like I'm not going to be like,
"Well, that's a you problem." Like we're
a unit. We're moving through life as a
unit. That is the literal experiment
that we're running. What does it look
like if two people share their lives?
And we just say, "Look, uh there are
going to be richer men than me. There
are going to be hotter women than you.
And I'm committed to you. So it doesn't
matter."
And while I'm going to enjoy your beauty
while I have it, uh that certainly isn't
going to be the only thing. So I I just
the the sort of modern-day framing of
there's always another fish in the sea
and like uh I don't need no man and all
that stuff. This this is just full
[ __ ] I people are out of their
goddamn minds. It is so out of step with
evolution. It's crazy. When you look at
just these are averages, people. These
are averages. Please, averages.
On average, men are goal-oriented.
So if a woman is stepping in to help you
be better at achieving your goals,
you're going to feel good about it if
she does it deftly. If she makes you
feel like you're on insecure footing
because you didn't get that goal, that
would suck. If she's like, "I'm here to
catch you. I'm here to help you get
better. Like I want to push you. I want
to cheer for you. But I'm also going to
soothe you when you're down and not be
like, 'Fuck you, I'm off to the next
guy.'" Like if she looks at it as like
it part of my job is to help you like
make the most of your potential. That
feels so good. My wife bet on me when
everybody else thought I was a loser.
Nobody thought that I was ever going to
amount to anything. Nobody. I've run
through that whole thing a million
times. But my wife was like, "Yo, I see
something here." At a time Remember, she
says yes to my marriage proposal when
I'm lying in bed 4 to 5 hours a day
every day, okay? That's when she says
yes. Not because I'm already the thing,
because she sees what I can become and
that she wants to be a part of it.
And we used to clown on women for
wanting to fix guys and all that stuff.
You should be like, cool. I want to
leverage that to my advantage. I want
somebody who wants to like help me
achieve my potential. It's incredible.
Okay, now women. So, if we're the
goal-oriented species,
then what women need is somebody to help
with setting boundaries, protection,
uh pointing in a direction, leadership,
all of that. And part of that is going
to be
Everyone is going to hate this. I really
wish that I had a better analogy.
Please forgive me.
I'm scrambling in my brain to try to
find something better. I don't have
anything better. Shoot, let's do it.
Okay.
Oh god.
When you put a dog on a leash, it is
more aggressive than when it's off
leash.
When a woman knows you're going to if I
get out of whack, you're going to like
pull me back in.
They feel more confident, more secure.
They're more ambitious, more aggressive.
People with the strongest home life take
the biggest risks. And so, being able to
provide that safety and security allows
them to express themselves in a bigger
way in the world. Because they know, ah,
if I'm getting out of hand, like he's
going to point out, hey, maybe don't do
that. Maybe that's OTT, whatever. It
helps rein them in.
Because women have a, let's call it,
larger range of emotion, that the
emotions can happen faster and be more
consuming, to have somebody there that
is the port in the storm, that is the
orienting mechanism, that can help you
see like is this in proportion to what's
happening or not.
>> her waves that crash against
>> The the rocks for the waves of her
emotions to crash on. Shout out to I
can't believe I'm forgetting his name
right now.
>> Uh Brealove.
>> No. It's not where I heard of it the
first time.
>> I feel like he was the guy that
interviewed you.
>> He's in Andrew Tate's orbit. Oh god.
He's been on the show. Lovely guy.
>> Waller?
>> Yes, Justin Waller. Thank you. I
actually really really like him. Lovely
lovely guy.
>> to Justin Waller. Yeah.
>> Uh and it's a great line.
So,
if you can be that,
then
it will feel like this incredible
exchange because
your wife, in my case, has a echo
location device where it's like I really
feel this thing.
But is this proportionate? This is the
ping. Is it proportionate to what's
happening? Yes or no? Will this help me
get where I want to go? Yes or no? Like
Lisa turning to me and saying, "You're
far better at pursuing your goals than I
am. Here's the thing that I want to do
that feels emotionally correct. Should I
pursue it? Yes or no?" And I'll say
literally 80% of the time, "No. It's not
It's not going to be effective at moving
you towards your goal. So, if that's the
question that you're asking, that won't
work. Here's something that you might
want to try." And so, it's been this
incredible exchange of talents between
the two of us.
So, there you have it. I know people are
really not going to
uh enjoy that analogy, but I don't have
a better one.
>> No, I thought
>> For a lot of men, touch is
extraordinarily
high uh on the scale of love languages.
And I will say there's a great quote.
May not be true for all men, but it's
certainly true for me. Um women need to
feel loved to have sex, and men need to
have sex to feel loved.
And so, it's like, "Man, he is fast in
that one. He was ready."
Uh so, I feel I I might have a compadre
on that one. So, um that is I think
really important for people to reflect
on and to see if it's true for them
because that will be a very important
point of communication because for
instance, if I'm like starting to feel
distant from Lisa, uh I can't just go
and initiate sex. I first have to make
her feel loved. I have to extend that
first so that and by the way, this is
your your whatever weekly reminder that
the receptivity that women must show in
sex is a gift of the highest order. It
is an act of such trust and dare I say
submission that like you disrespect that
at your peril. And so that's why for me
to extend that first, even if I feel
like she's been icing me out. Somebody
doesn't like this idea.
>> Mhm.
>> Because I know that that receptivity is
such a gift and
uh is a very big ask of a woman. I'm
going to extend that to make sure that
she feels loved because I can think of
few things that would feel worse than
feeling totally disconnected to your
partner and yet still making yourself
sexually receptive. Uh so, yeah, you've
got to earn that.
>> Yeah, I always heard that line that
foreplay starts way before you get into
the bedroom like in marriages and like
mature relationships.
>> Yeah, do you ever hear that quote from
Sting where he's like uh our sex lasts
for 8 hours? And people thought he was
talking about like some crazy ass
tantric sex. He was like, "No, I'm
talking about going to the grocery store
with your wife, showing that you care
about the things that she cares about,
smiling, winking, being playful." He's
like, "All these things for her matter a
lot." So, I think of the sex act as
being like the 7 and 1/2 hours before
and then the half hour of actual sex.
And I was like, "That's actually pretty
brilliant."
>> Yeah, that's good.
>> But for I mean
more than a decade, people thought that
he was saying they actually have sex for
8 hours. Pretty funny.
>> Someone said it's not a woman's job to
make you better.
>> Ooh.
>> Are they saying
>> being single. Oh, enjoy.
Oh, enjoy. You, my friend, are fighting
against evolution. Evolution cares [ __ ]
all about your thoughts on that.
>> the person you're with, wouldn't you
want them to be better? Just I'm going
to be with you for 6 days. Don't you
want those 6 days to increase in
betterness versus just stay stagnant?
>> Bro, peop- Okay.
>> old people are getting kidnapped right
now? What is happening with these
phones?
>> Uh yeah, so I get it. People are going
to get hung up linguistically on certain
words. Don't. It isn't their job to make
you better, but this is the exchange
that people make that make all these
sacrifices worth it. Is that women bring
something to men, men something to
women. Evolution only had so many levers
to pull, and so to make sure the kids
survive long enough to have kids that
survive, it's like this is the game. So,
yeah. It's uh
once you get it from that perspective,
life gets a lot easier. And we've become
so antagonistic towards the opposite
sex. It's really crazy.