Men Don't Care About Looks, They Actually Care About THIS Long Term

Do people really care about perfect looks or is there something more to a relationship? We're going to dive into this conversation today. So, Paula, how important is looks in dating? >> You know, I I think particularly at our age, I think it gets less and less important. >> Well, some people are Well, let me reframe it. Perfect looks. >> [laughter] >> Perfect. Perfect looks. What's perfect? >> Well, you know, I would say there's I had a fantasy even before I met you that I'd meet like a perfect 10 kind of looking woman, I think. A lot of men operate that way. I'm sure sure women do, too. >> Yes, I think women are looking for a particular level of physical fitness and looks that they're attracted to. >> Yeah, men are the same way. >> Yeah. >> Um who's your favorite celebrity hottie? >> Oh, I had dreams about George Clooney for probably a good decade. >> [laughter] >> Wasn't Jason Momoa? >> Oh, he's up there, too. >> You know, for me, I'm old school. I like Lynda Carter. To me, that's the perfect looking woman. But um But what we're really what I wanted to talk about today is the more important aspects of a relationship that go deeper than looks. And yet, sadly, because looks is the first thing we see in another person, we often times can judge someone or you know, mischaracterize somebody based on looks and not know that they might have a great personality, that they might have deep character, that they might have solid kindness and that sort of thing. >> Yeah. >> So, how do we bypass that? What do you What are your thoughts about that? Because you Let me I'm going to ask it Give me one more second. You and I at first didn't have this initial spark. We didn't have this gigantic chemistry. I don't think we were unattracted to each other, but we weren't feeling this strong pull. And yet we were feeling the emotional connection between the two of us. So Yeah. >> Okay. Well, so I first want to direct this towards the dating um apps. >> Okay. >> That you know, our initial foray into the pool is the photos. >> Yeah. >> And it's not like they throw a profile up in front of us with no photos. They throw the photos first. >> Yeah. >> Right? It's the big picture. Even on your little tiny screen, it's the big picture that shows up. And I think the reality of that is that even though we don't want to focus on that per se, we're looking for other things. We're looking for, you know, intelligence and you know, value >> Financial stability. >> [laughter] >> Do they have a clean home? >> Well, it sort of defies, you know, uh looking in that direction. >> Yeah. >> So, you know, I I wanted to bring that up because I think over the last decade or so our attention has been grabbed by the quick pull, the quick photo, social media, you know, all of those things that that have dropped our attention span down to practically nothing. But I do think that for us, our attraction came over time because because we were attracted to our value systems, too. Intelligence, too. All of those things. And then I And then we were kind of like hey. >> Hey. >> [laughter] >> Well, you know, it's interesting cuz I've I've said that we we started with a core of a nice foundation of shared values, a shared vision, lifestyle compatibility, which includes financial compatibility. And most importantly, we we get rather quickly through our communication that we had a fair amount of emotional maturity between the two of us. So, that foundation built what I think is the the genuine chemistry between the two of us, which is our we're both rather sapiosexual. >> Yeah. >> You know, we both we both get off on the emotional connection and the exploration of ideas and things. In fact, it's funny you just brought this up the last 10 years of dating apps. I was just talking to you on the couch yesterday about how dating has changed so much in the last 10 years because of our devices, because of swipe apps. Well, the swipe apps have been around for about 2013-14, you know, so around 11, 12, 13 years. It's really in the because of the last 5 years, I think, since COVID, that the there's been a marginalization of people based on that physic first physical connection through the photograph. And sadly, why I'm bringing this up is we might be missing out on some really great people because we don't feel that spark. We don't feel that, you know, chemistry. We don't feel that high. >> Yeah. >> Believe and that's the fantasy is that the high represents relationship success. >> Yeah. And and and I think as a society, we are moderately moving away from that. Yeah. But, you know, to to your point and and talking about the things that bring us back to where we need to be to even get that initial initiation into a potential relationship requires What are the two A's you were talking about? >> said, well, certainly it requires acceptance of the other person and appreciation. >> Yeah. So, you know, when I came up with the title of this and I was thinking about from a man's point of view, you know, how men often times date from this vantage point of looks and they want to date younger women because of that. But I think ultimately that's the fantasy of men. At the end of the day, that's not what matters most. I think what matters most is what we're experiencing this relationship. You just talked about acceptance, you talked about appreciation, but most importantly is emotional connection through authentic friendship. Emotional safety, excuse me, through authentic friendship. >> Well, I think the the operative word here is authentic. >> Yes. >> It's it's coming to a place where you are and can be truly yourself. That you >> Yes. Yes. >> experience the authenticity in another person and truly be your own authentic self. >> You know, it's interesting. When I think of that it now, folks, and I I want to be candid with you. As I reflect upon the two previous relationships I had prior to meeting Paula, um and then prior to that was my marriage. And when I got married, I was kind of unconsciously not unconscious, but I was I was certainly rather not aware of who I was as a person. But I was thinking about the last two relationships. And tell me if you felt this way. If you have, post a comment, post it in the the chat sort of um But I I found myself not speaking my truth. >> Mhm. >> You know, I was performing. I was on edge. I was anxious thinking and I had to when I said perform, I felt like I had to act a certain way for them to like me. >> Yeah. >> And while it's easy to recognize the difference because with you I'm my unapologetic self. >> The good, the bad, the ugly sometimes, but you accept me in even my foibles and and you even appreciate the the the the the I don't want to call myself high maintenance or anything like that, but certainly that the fact that I'm hyper aware of all of my emotions. >> Yeah. So, um I'm going to piggyback on that talking because I think I think an important um I I I saw a comment today um on something that and this is like, you know, a little bit of the the telephone, you know, system. I might be completely >> I might be completely butchering this, but >> Okay. >> it was something Tony Morrison said. >> Okay. >> And um it was it was that we Okay, so we're you know, there's there's there's no question here. The people that we talk to here are usually midlife and above. >> Yeah, yeah. Most people over after baby making years before retirement. >> you know, they call us the Gen Xers, the baby boomers, etc. And that the reality of that group of people is that they went into relationships like their marriages, etc. and they potentially stayed in too long. >> Yes. >> Giving up their own boundaries. >> Yes. >> Um stretching who they were for the sake of staying in it, for the sake of the kids, whatever reason. Whatever reason we had, we stayed too long. I've I've been I mean, I'm guilty of it, okay. So, um and then I think that there's a point when Gen Xers and baby boomers get where they're just like, "No, I'm taking myself back. I'm pulling back my authenticity into a place where I know that I want to be." >> Yeah. >> The flip side of this, you know, the opposite side of the the spectrum Tony talks about is and oh, and she called that thick love. >> Thick love life. >> Thick love. >> Thick love. So, baby boomers, Gen Xers >> Thick love. >> entered in called thick love. Okay. Okay. >> The younger generations, you know, let's call them the Gen Zs and the Gen Ys and >> The millennials. >> The millennials. They are uh um approaching the relationship pool or the dating pool with what they call thin love. >> Okay. >> And thin love is one where they're on dating apps and maybe they're out in the wild, but they are um almost too quick to dismiss. >> Okay, too quick Thin love is too quick to dismiss. >> love is too quick to dismiss. And and and the question becomes where is that acceptance? >> Okay. >> Where is the appreciation of the other person's authentic self? >> Yeah. >> Where do the Where does the thin love and the thick love meet? >> Mhm. So, let's go I want Oh god, this is an interesting conversation. So, I want to think for those of us in midlife, you know, the thick love people or at least that's the way I was taught. I mean, I grew up with parents that were married 66 years before my mother passed away. I was raised with, you know, go to college, get a job, meet someone, get married, buy a house, start a family. That was the programming. I mean, I really didn't even know who I was when I got married and I married someone I didn't know. I mean, you know, we were friends, but I didn't even know what love was. >> yeah. >> Um but when I think of thick love, the idea of staying in past its expiration date. Oh my god. >> Mhm. >> And I can think of even even relationships I've had recently that felt like I mean, I stayed past the stayed past the expiration date. >> Yeah. >> So, um but then when I think of how many times I've dated and I've quickly dismissed someone, not that that was love, but certainly it was very thin. And I think it's because, and this is something we've talked about, you and I, a lot recently, is that from a dating perspective, particularly these days, we don't know how to get to know another human being as a genuine friend without the performative nature of dating, without all of the expectations, without the physical connection. It's, you know, because most of the time this conversation started about looks and chemistry, how we often, and when I say we, collective we, I don't mean, you know, this isn't every single soul on the planet, but we often times focus on the wrong things. And that's what it sounds like the gen the younger generation is doing. They're quickly dismissing because they're not looking for the right things. >> Well, I think that we, and this may be a function of how, you know, social media, somebody's saying, I think it's Angela saying they have endless We're made to believe there's endless opportunities. >> Yes, there's no doubt. >> And I think that, um, uh, in in that scope of we have endless opportunities, Gen Xers, uh, you know, have have They're, you know, there's a bit of a crux of like, well, we just started, you know, we were already in our relationships, we're just you now like understanding the dating apps and that that was like >> Oh, you're talking about the ones that got divorced or ended a relationship. They're back in the marketplace. Got it, got it, got it. >> But, um, I, you know, I think the when we're when we're talking about it, you know, the young Let's go back to millennials and you know, Gen Zers and whatnot, that there is a level of or a lack of They they desire connection, but there is lack of intimacy. It's why we talk about the incels and the you know, that there's that that they're not having enough sex, you know, that what >> Well, by the I I want to go off on that one for a second. By whose measure is enough sex? They're just not having any sex, but they're but they're not connecting. >> that say there is less sex being made before the age of 29 than there used to >> Yeah, but you know what? Maybe sex should be sacred and >> true. >> You know, like now >> that there that is, you know, part and parcel of what >> You know, it's interesting. I read and I know I'm doing a rab or squirrel here. I saw a statistic that said back in the 1950s, women under 30 years old, 93% of them were married before 30 years old, excuse me. >> And today, that number is like 28%. >> at 29. >> Yeah. But no, no, no. I mean that no, think of that disparity. Most every woman was married before 30. Now, you know, 70% of women aren't even in the marketplace of marriage. But coming back to to the younger generation, this thin love I think it's because unless you meet unless you're dating someone who you already know, you're meeting a total stranger. And because coming back to you and I had this whole conversation about how sales people are naturally gifted communicators and can develop rapport rather quickly, most people don't know how to do that, especially the younger generation. >> bounce off of that for a second. They're not naturally like that. Salespeople are made to be like that, you know. >> Oh, I get that. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. >> And I think people can be trained to ask questions and be curious you know, and how to be curious. I think there is a desire and for connection that we used to go straight into intimacy with. >> Yeah. >> And now there is that gap between how to how to be connected. Not necessarily being intimate quite yet. >> Yes. >> And find I mean, you know, as humans we want net we want network. We we crave relationship. >> Yeah. >> Right? >> Well, the the concept of this even this video was not again, it's not about the looks. It's about emotional safety and, you know, authentic friendship. And so, you know, it's funny. How many movies are there about the boy that's in love with the girl, but he's just in the friend zone. >> Yeah. >> You know, um and and and yet that's what we should be doing is starting from the friend zone. So and and and another when I say should be, you know, that's a judgment on my part, but I'm simply saying if if humans began developing the genuine authentic friendship, they would build the emotional safety, which both men and women crave deeply, you know? And yes, looks is part of the decision-making process and certainly wanting to feel attraction for the person and certainly having good physical intimacy is kind of important, too. >> Did you ever go to network meetings? >> Sure. >> Did you when you went to network meetings and you passed out a card and someone said, "Yeah, let's maybe do lunch or something." Did you Were you like, "Nah." Or were you like, "Let's see what happens." >> Most of the time, I mean, I mean, most of the time I'd just say yes, you know, I'd say yes. >> And why would you say yes? Did you think you were going to get a sale from it? >> Um you know, I mean, I think I had a slight agenda every single time because I wasn't doing it like and quite frankly I think there's a purpose behind dating. It's for some people for me it was a path to uh life partnership. In other words, I didn't go on a date just because I wanted somebody to fill my time. >> Right. >> I didn't go on a network meeting just because I you know I wanted to have lunch. I there was a purpose to it. In fact the whole point is to be intentional in your dating practice. >> Yes. Yeah. >> You know. Um So All right, where does this leave us for this conversation? >> Oh, I was kind of just I and I'm and I want to bring it back to the whole place of appreciation because I think in the you know from the standpoint of the network and the reason I asked that is because I think um if we approached our dating uh path the same way we approached perhaps going to a meeting and somebody says, "Hey, let's do lunch." I mean most of the time when I would do that I would think to myself, "Well, there may not be a sale here per se but I'm I'm going to find out somebody's story. I'm going to you know and you never know." And I've had circumstances where and this happens in the dating world too. >> Yeah. >> Where you meet someone and it's not the someone but it's someone's friend or the someone >> Sure. Sure. >> or they bring you to a live music event and you know you end up meeting somebody else. You know, so um I think that there's value in the curiosity of of people's stories. >> Yeah. >> So in our in when you and I first got connected >> Yeah. >> part of our um connection was around discourse and really kind of getting into some of the granular you know understandings of how our minds thought, right? And you know we laugh about this now because we went off for hours about >> So first off, let me give you some context to what she's talking about is that when we met we kind of had a difference of opinion on something. A slight difference of opinion >> Tell them what it is. >> Well, I I had a perception around masculine and feminine energy and the notion of polarity when it comes to romantic relationships. And you were in a certain camp and my camp was a contrarian camp. >> Yeah. >> So, when we got to and our first conversation before we ever met started around this idea. >> It did. >> And so, during our first meeting, and by the way, I I told her specifically, can we not call this a date? Can we call this meeting just two people, two, but you know, two people, you know, from a friendship perspective without all the pressure, without all the performative nature of the expectations around a date? So, we started kind of not adversarial, but we were like, we were slightly different points of view, but in that there was so much juice because there was this kind of like, well, let me tell you my argument and you're going to tell me your argument. I'm going to tell you my argument and you're going to tell me Well, argument simply means my point of view. Hey Google, what does the word argument mean? >> [laughter] >> I'm just kidding. But no, my point of view, you shared your point of view. And what was fascinating, folks, is she started to shift towards my point of view. >> You took me to the dark side. >> [laughter] >> And by the way, if because it was friendly and it was vivacious between the two of us, this slight discourse that was a little bit, you know, uh you know, she had her point, I had point, it allowed us for a rich conversation. Allowed us for such a rich conversation. >> And continuous rich conversations. >> Yeah. You know, and I think that's often times what's You know what two people need is a good difference of opinion. >> Yeah. >> You know, but not politics and not religion, you know, a good difference of opinion as their starting point. And I'm saying this for fun. >> Okay, so let's put a bow on all of this. You know what? Looks Look at We're To some degree, I think our ego fantasy wants the perfect looking guy or girl. But at the end of the day, what most humans want, men, just like women, want emotional safety and that authentic friendship that can carry the relationship because if you can't if you're unable to sit with your partner on a Sunday morning for coffee at 8:00 a.m. and go the entire day, you know, without missing a beat communicating with one another, how are you going to ever do this for 20, 30, or even 40 years? So, you know what? Authentic uh connection friendship and emotional safety is what I think humans need more than the perfect looking person. >> I totally agree. >> All right. Hey, did you like I'd be interested to hear what you had what you thought about what we shared. Post a comment below. We do our best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value in the videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to the channel. Hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if you want to connect with us directly, there's links below. Schedule discovery call. Find us on social media and even join my email list by getting my dating vows. All listed below.