Video summary
The video addresses the profound challenge of managing identity loss and self-esteem during the grieving process, particularly when life roles are stripped away by illness or dementia. Individuals often struggle with confusion about who they are when they can no longer fulfill specific functions, such as being a spouse, a parent, or a teacher. The core argument is that while these external roles may be lost due to circumstances beyond one's control, it is still possible to construct a rich and meaningful life based on internal values rather than just titles. By shifting the focus from what has been taken away to what remains within one's power, individuals can redefine their sense of self and find new sources of purpose, even if they cannot change the underlying facts of their situation.
A significant portion of the discussion focuses on the damaging cycle of self-blame and feelings of incompetence that often accompany grief. When people blame themselves for health issues or impending losses, it increases stress and inflammation, which can negatively accelerate disease progression. The transcript suggests a practical approach to breaking this cycle by distinguishing between factors that were within one's control and those that were not. For actions that could have been different, such as smoking habits, the focus should shift to current choices that can improve outcomes, like quitting now. Furthermore, feelings of powerlessness often stem from an inability to stop pain or perfectly care for a loved one; however, recognizing these limitations and seeking resources, such as hospice social workers, can restore a sense of competence and reduce guilt.
The video also explores the mental habit of rumination, where the brain fixates on threats and losses it cannot control. To manage this, the speaker introduces strategies like thought stopping and scheduled dwelling time, similar to techniques used for anxiety. This involves consciously choosing to redirect attention away from painful thoughts or setting aside a specific, limited period each day to process grief without guilt. By containing these difficult emotions to a designated timeframe, individuals can free up energy to focus on their lives during the remaining twenty-three and a half hours of the day. This method helps prevent constant preoccupation while still honoring the need to grieve, allowing people to eventually look for new ways to connect with loved ones that do not rely on past activities like hiking but instead prioritize quality time and presence.
Read the full video transcript
The person may say, "I feel confused
about my role in life or feel like I
don't know who I am or will be anymore.
If I'm not John's wife, if I'm not
Sean's mom, if I'm not um
able to
engage in teaching, continuing education
because my de once my dementia
progresses, uh who am I? What am I? If
the things that are I find are most
important to my identity, if those
aren't there anymore, what happens?
Helping people again define their rich
and meaningful life
and so define their rich and meaningful
life living in the end. I can have a
rich and meaningful life and not be so
and so's spouse. I can have a rich and
meaningful life and
not teach continuing education anymore.
Is it my choice? Is it ideal? No. But it
may be something I can't
change. It may be a, you know, it's just
a fact. It'll happen. So, how can I not
how can I lose that aspect of what's
important in my identity and still have
a rich and meaningful life?
I blame myself for this situation.
If it is personal health issues, people
may blame themselves for what's going on
and they may start grieving the losses
um that they will experience. Maybe they
are diagnosed with lung cancer and
they've been lifelong smokers. They
blame themselves for their situation and
uh they start grieving it early uh which
can really negatively impact their
quality of life for the time remaining.
It also increases stress, increases
inflammation and increases the
progression of disease. So um exploring
in the situation what parts were in your
control and what parts were not in your
control. for the parts that were in in
your control. Okay, you made the wrong
choice. You made a choice that could
have contributed to this. Can't change
it. What can you do now? For example, if
they were a lifelong smoker, maybe
stopping smoking um could be something
that could help them prolong their life.
Um I feel more incompetent or powerless.
I feel like a failure since this
happened.
Sometimes when we have a loss or an
impending loss, we may feel incompetent
because we can't make the pain stop. We
can't make our loved ones pain stop. We
can't seem to help them correctly. We
can't do it perfectly. Well, nobody can.
uh in exploring
what exactly is happening or what
exactly is going on that you tell
yourself you're incompetent. Um what
exactly is going on that is contributing
to your feelings of powerlessness. Let's
go through each one of those and look at
each one to see is there anything you
can do? Is there any knowledge that I
can help you
identify? Are there any resources I can
help you connect with? Um, when my
mother was in hospice, the hospice
social worker was absolutely invaluable
because I felt incompetent to help her
manage her pain during those last few
days.
Um, and there was a lot of guilt and
grief and you know how it happens. Um,
that went on with that.
Many times when there is an impending
loss of some sort, there are resources
that people can call on to help them
feel as competent and empowered as
possible. We can also ask people what
would it look like for you if you were
if you felt like you were competent, if
you felt like you were empowered, what
would be different? And then we can work
backwards from there to figure out is
there anything we can do to help them
make that happen.
Longing, loss, and rumination. The
person may say, "I'm preoccupied with
thoughts about this situation." Yeah,
that's that's what our brain does when
there's a threat. When there's something
we can't control, our brain keeps
tapping us on the shoulder and going,
"Hey, you haven't fixed this yet." But
what do we do about it? Um, some people
will engage in thought stopping. They
will say, "You know what?
I recognize this is a loss. I recognize
or this is a threat right now. I
recognize this is painful and I am going
to choose to not think about it right
now. I'm going to turn my attention to
something else."
um
giving themselves
dwelling time. Similar to what we do
with people with anxiety where they have
30 minutes a day where they are where
they give themselves permission to
dwell, think about
um steep themselves in the situation if
they choose to. They don't have to. um
that can sometimes free up some energy
cuz sometimes people feel guilty if they
have a loved one that's suffering or if
they are um if they've got dementia and
they know that's coming. Um they may
feel guilty not thinking about it, not
dwelling on it. Um especially when it
has to do with other people giving
themselves permission. I can focus on my
life these 23 hours and 30 minutes a
day. And this 30 minutes here, I can let
myself focus on the devastation.
Not everybody's going to find that that
works.
However, it's a good alternative for
someone who says, "But I have to think
about it." Okay, let's see if we can
instead of having it invade your
thoughts all the time, let's see if we
can contain it to a certain time period.
I very much miss and long for the way
things used to be. Yeah. If the loved
one is starting to show signs of
dementia, if the cancer is starting to
show through, if the loss, you're
starting to see signs of the loss. Um,
it's natural to want things to go back
to the way they were, uh, the way you
enjoyed them, the way you loved them.
That doesn't mean that they can't
you can't have things now that are
meaningful. Maybe you can't go
hiking with your significant other
anymore because their Parkinson's has
gotten so bad. All right. Well, that
sucks. However, was it about the hiking
or was it about the quality time? And
what else could you do instead to still
spend quality time with this person if
you can't go hiking anymore?