Learn How to Properly CARE for Yourself & Leverage It For an ENJOYABLE Life | Tom Bilyeu

Everybody, welcome to another episode of Impact Theory. Today, I'm going to be answering your questions all about self-care. Now, self-care, I think is something that uh people come at from a lot of different angles. Some angles make sense, others don't. We're going to dive into the nitty-gritty of exactly how to use self-care in your life as a way to move you forward towards your goals, to not become self-indulgent, to um not be inefficient with it, but really to leverage it for what it's meant to do, which is make your life enjoyable and effective. And so, that will be exactly what we tackle today. All right, here's the first question. What kinds of things can you do to train your thoughts so they see self-care as something instrumental to my success? I'm wondering how I can reframe or condition myself to see the gym and self-care as something that will help me do more in the long run and short term. All right, so this is a great way to think about the question. When you're thinking about anything in your life, the frame of reference by which you approach it will determine exactly what you see. There's a great quote that says, "It doesn't matter what you look at, it matters what you see." And once you understand that what you believe is going to determine what you see, you realize that all of this starts with belief, and that's why I say that belief determines behavior and behavior is all that matters. So, getting the belief right, getting the frame of reference right, is going to be the thing that will get your actions in alignment. So, the key is to really understand what the human condition is. So, you're having a biological experience. Getting people to understand that is my complete obsession. So, belief number one I'm going to put in place, I'm having a biological experience. Now, why does that matter? Because what I'm trying to do is affect my behavior to get me to do the things that will be {quote} and {quote} better for me. But what is {quote} and {quote} better for me is based on the realities of my biology. So, the reason that I work out, the reason that I prioritize sleep, the reason that I meditate, all of those things are because I know that that's what you need to do in order to cognitively optimize. So if you want to be effective with your day, you need to do the things that set you up to be able to think clearly and quickly. So to do that, we're going to need to get our sleep. It's just the studies show, right? If you deprive somebody of sleep, they look like a pre-diabetic person in terms of how they respond to blood sugar. Uh it's just as bad being sleepy is just as bad as being drunk in terms of a driving test. There just all kinds of studies that come out that show what you already intuitively know, which is not getting enough sleep sucks. And the reason it sucks is because it makes you underperform. It makes it harder to think clearly, makes it harder to enjoy your life, you have less energy, and that's even at a cellular level. So when you think about sleep and the impacts that it has on your abilities body to generate ATP, which is the energy created by the mitochondria in your cells, which is exactly what lets you move forward. So recognizing that I'm having a biological experience is then going to compel me to do the things that I need to do in order to get the results that I want. And so in this case, it's the frame of reference of self-care as a biological optimization mechanism. And that for me was incredibly freeing. And I had heard the quote before, "Those that don't have time to meditate are the people who most need meditation." And that is absolutely fundamentally true. The same is true of self-care. The people that don't have time for self-care are the people that most need the self-care. So you need to get to that point where you recognize the truth of the human condition, which is that if you don't take care of your biology, your biology won't be able to take care of you. And so self-care really is simply the practice of optimizing your life at a cellular and psychological level. And so once we know that, then it becomes easy to take the actions that we need to take because ultimately that's what life is all about. Being fulfilled and joyful, you're not going to be joyful all the time. This is why we talk about fulfillment first, but optimizing around fulfillment and joy, that's the punchline. There isn't anything else. So if getting myself prepared for that requires self-care, which it does, then that's how I reframe this to get myself in the mode of self-care. How do you know when it's time to refuel and choose self-care instead of continuing to grind? Physiological self-awareness is critical. I hear a lot of talk about people developing psychological self-awareness, so understanding um what you're good at, what you want to do, all of those things, incredibly useful. But understanding how to read your body may be even more important than that. So Lisa Feldman Barrett's book, How Emotions Are Made, detail the way that emotions are far more of a bottom-up phenomenon, meaning they come from your body. It isn't you thinking about something and then creating the emotion down. That does happen, and of course you can spiral yourself out of control simply by thinking, but usually what begins this thinking process is a sense of unease, right? Anxiety is a bodily feeling, often times disconnected from what you're thinking. So figuring out ooh why do I have this sense? Being able to process it consciously, we can pull it up into our conscious mind and think through it with words and logic, but often times it's starting with that like, "Oh man, I don't feel good about this and I don't know why." So this is the fascinating thing about drugs is drugs can either eliminate or change the bodily sensation, which then changes the story that you're telling yourself about the sensation. Now, this isn't an advertisement for drugs, it's to get you to understand that it can be risky to sever the sense of body from what you're telling yourself about it. So, you want your body to give you this description of what is going on, but then, as you take conscious control of that, to develop that self-awareness around physiologically what's happening, you need to understand why you're feeling the way that you feel. And so, developing that to get a sense of whether this is a time to keep pushing through or whether this is like one of those moments where you actually really do need to step back. It's the difference between sore muscles from, you know, a nice hard workout and a torn muscle or damaged joint from uh an injury. And the same thing is true when you're thinking about how hard to work, how hard to push yourself, you need to figure out this fatigue that I'm feeling, this unease, this anxiety, this stress, is this a natural part of pushing through the difficulties of this project or is something else going on? This is now really starting to cave in on me, and what I need to do now is take a step back, meditate, journal, hug my significant other, pet my dog, cuddle my kids, whatever the case may be, go for a run, but doing something that slows you down, lets you take a deep breath. And the only way to figure that out is to be able to interpret the feelings that your body's giving you into conscious thought. Okay? And getting good at that loop is very very important, and it takes practice, it takes understanding what the body is communicating, why it's communicating it, what impacts it, like what you eat and drink has a huge impact on what your gut is telling you and then your brain tries to make sense of it and it doesn't always go, "Oh, I'm feeling anxious because in my case I was drinking a zero calorie monster." Which, much to my dismay because I absolutely love them, make me feel anxious. And so, getting an understanding of that, seeing that pattern was actually quite transformational because I stopped drinking them and my anxiety levels plummeted by like 70%. It's pretty crazy. Didn't take me to zero, but it made it a phenomenon that was easily manageable through meditation. So, this is where you have to develop that awareness, that pattern recognition, and be able to say, "Oh, I feel this way because of XYZ thing happening at work or with my spouse or with food that I'm consuming." So, be very thoughtful about that and that will then help you determine whether it's we need self-care or we just need to push through. All right. When do you consider lack of self-care ultimately a lack of self-love and not just an issue with time management or prioritizing? Okay, so some of this is going to again come back to the ability to be self-aware about the way that you feel and the thoughts that you're having. So, as you're um thinking about pushing through, you need to ask yourself, "Where is this energy coming from? Is this energy coming from I think I'm a loser and if I don't accomplish this I'll never matter, I'll never mean anything, I'm too stupid, whatever?" And that energy is a a very constrictive energy and this is an easy way to begin to get that self-awareness. This emotion that I feel, is it tied to a story that I'm telling myself? What is that story that I'm telling myself? And the feeling that I'm feeling when I tell myself that story, does it feel constrictive, am I closing down, or does it feel expansive, like I'm opening up, like it's making me feel lighter? Now, it's super fascinating that the story that you tell yourself is going to have one of those two reactions. You are either going to feel yourself tightening up, constricting down, feeling less, wanting to like almost close in on yourself, or it's going to make you feel lighter, it's going to feel like what I'm doing with my body, where I'm, you know, shoulders back, standing up tall. It makes you feel open and expansive. Now, as you begin to identify which stories make you feel which way, now you can really begin to take control of that story. But, you also need to look at what's underlying all of this because you can't, unfortunately, just tell yourself to love yourself. While it helps a little bit, it's maybe 5%. The other 95% is actually doing something that you think is worthy of respect, actually doing something that makes you feel that you have worth. You You actually have to contribute in a way that you believe is meaningful. And if you're not contributing in a way to yourself, to others, to your family, in a way that you think is meaningful, then you're going to struggle no matter how much you tell yourself that you love yourself, that you're worthy, that you're good enough as you are, it just won't work because you have these inborn imperatives implanted deep in the wiring of your brain that make you want to act in certain ways. And if you don't get in alignment with that, then you can really get into a dark place. And if you're in that dark place and you're using, pushing yourself as punishment, and it's really just, "Hey loser, come on, you've got to get this done." And it's all tied up in getting across that finish line, impressing other people, impressing your parents, impressing your friends, whatever, then we know that we're not coming at this from the right place. And so, that's a moment where we need to start getting into the self-care because we recognize that the whole point of life is to optimize for fulfillment and joy. And beating ourselves up, thinking ourselves worthless, do not move us towards that goal. And I encourage all of you to have the belief in your life that you only do and believe that which moves you towards your goals. Now, as long as your goal is exciting and honorable, meaning it elevates not only yourself but other people as well, then that's a great way to live. If you have the wrong goal and it's based in that dark energy, you can get yourself into trouble. But, assuming that you have this expansive goal that's exciting to you, it helps you and it helps other people, now optimizing for that and doing things and believing things that move us towards that goal will become incredibly useful. And going back to that earlier idea of you've got this goal, it's exciting and honorable, we want to do things that move us towards it, and we're having a biological experience, then we need to do the self-care things that are going to lead us to that. And, you know, just to give like a quick package of what a great self-care bundle looks like, a great self-care bundle would be getting plenty of sleep, eating a great diet, working out, meditating, journaling, having loving relationships in your life that you give quality time to, and then meaning and purpose. You're doing something that you believe matters. Okay, that's a great cocktail for really stepping into fulfillment, really being able to find joy in your life, and then having a reason to repeat that cycle. You know, and when you're doing that stuff, when you're getting your sleep, when you have loved ones in your life, when you're exercising, I think I said exercise. If I didn't, exercise is a great one to make sure is in the mix. You're taking care of the biology. You're addressing all the things that are going to give you the right neurochemical state that you want to be in, right? Loving relationships, caring about people, doing things that matter, meaning and purpose. All of that stuff is going to have a tremendous impact on your mental state. Um so, that is the way to think about having that bundle of self-love, self-care, thinking about why I'm doing the things that I'm doing, making sure that I'm moving towards my goal, and making sure that I understand what's pushing me to do the things that I'm doing. And you want to make sure that it's not punishment. You want to make sure that it's expansive. You want to make sure that it's sustainable. You want to make sure that it's optimized for fulfillment and joy. Where should a person start with improving their self-care if they have low self-esteem? Do you think leveraging one can directly improve the other? Okay. You've really got two issues here. But they are inextricably linked. You've got biology. You've got psychology. The self-care is largely going to be a question of biology. Getting the sleep, eating a diet that at a cellular level is serving us, at a microbiome level is helping us, at a cognition level is helping us, right? Setting us up for success. Meditating, making sure that we get that background stress and anxiety radiation down to zero. Um huge in terms of getting you into a calm and creative space so that you can think through difficult problems. Um all of these things are what you're going to need to do if you want to do well in your life. Now, self-esteem is a whole 'nother issue. Self-esteem has everything to do with what you think about yourself when you're by yourself. Now, you have to earn your way to that. And so, the key to earning your way to that is to figure out what is your value system. What do you value? What do you think is the way that people should be spending their time and their energies? And then are you doing things in accordance with that? And then there are things that are baked in that are innate. So, there are these innate drivers given to us by evolution, uh hard work, the desire to contribute to the group, meaning and purpose, deep connection with other people that we love, okay? These are You have that imperative. There is nothing that you can do to shake that imperative. And so, understanding how it works and understanding how you need to meet the needs of that if you want to be fulfilled and be joyful is critically important. So, as you go about teasing out whether you have a self-care issue, a biological issue, a self-esteem issue, something that is either we're not addressing the imperatives to contribute, which is sort of the easiest one to go to, or we've let the self-care get so out of whack. We're not sleeping. We're not doing all of those things that it's really beginning to debilitate us from doing the things that we need to do in order to build up our self-esteem. Now, your self-esteem is really built around the framework of congruence. I said I was going to do it and I'm going to do it. So, that when you say you're going to do something, you actually do it. And then whether that's a promise you make to yourself or to somebody else. And then the fulfillment formula, which is to work really hard to gain a set of skills that are unique to you and matter to you. They're exciting to you. And that they serve not only yourself, but other people. And so, if you're doing that, working really hard to get exceptional at something that matters, that the world cares about, and that you love, and then you contribute in a way that elevates you and other people, that's the game of fulfillment. And so, if you're doing that, I think you will find that that will take care of self-esteem. But, if you're not doing that, if you're not finding ways to contribute to the group, if you're not progressing in your life, then you're going to really struggle with that. So, you do the self-care to make sure that you can actually build the self-esteem by contributing in that way. And then those two things work wonderfully together, but you have to recognize that they really are two separate issues and they both need to be addressed. All right, what tips do you have for someone who struggles to keep up their self-care routine when things get stressful? All right, this is going back to that earlier statement. The people that have the least time to do self-care are the ones that most need it. Let's say that again. The people that have the least amount of time to do self-care are the ones that most need it. So, in your life, as things are ratcheting up, as things are getting more difficult, as the stress is piling on, this is when self-care becomes absolutely critical because as your cognition becomes less efficient, because you're not sleeping, you're not eating right, uh you're stressed to the gills, you're not able to engage in the loving relationships in your life, all the things that act at a physiological level, they change your neurochemistry, they change your physiology, so the constriction of your blood vessels, right? And this is why blood pressure goes up when people are stressed. There's a reason that the state that you're trying to get into when you meditate is called calm and creative, okay? The whole idea is as you lower that stress and anxiety, you get into a calm and creative space where you can problem-solve. And so, that's the goal. We want to get into a place where we can begin problem-solving. So, that is the critically important thing here. Now, to do that, we have to have a commitment to ourselves, a bright line that not only do we do these things every day, whether we think we need them or not, that we are even more likely to stick to it, to do it for longer when things really get stressful, because the only way that we're going to be able to accurately deal with the underlying cause of the stress because we we're not interested just in symptom mitigation. We want to do that, but we don't just want to mitigate symptoms. We want to solve the problems that are creating the anxiety in the first place. And the way that we're going to do that is by self-care. Sleeping well. Meditating. Eating right. Exercising. Okay? These are all the things that we need to do to make sure that our self-care is on point so that we can then get out from under the stress. And that's it. Bright lines. Make sure that when stressful times come, that that's when you lean even more heavily into your self-care. All right. Guys, self-care is critically important. I hope you guys are doing it. Physiological level, you're having a biological experience. All of this stuff optimizes your cognition. It's the only way to get through life without life sucking. So, make sure that you spend the time and the energy to do all of this stuff. All right, guys. Thank you so much for joining me. Now, go take very good care of yourselves. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Peace.