John Robertson's The Dark Room - EMF 2026

[music] I can't seem [music] to face through the facts. I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax. I can't sleep. [music] >> Humans and nonhumans, friends and enemies, colleagues and other companions, contributors to the wild and wonderful world of EMF. It is my great pleasure to introduce John Robertson's The Dark Room. This performance is interactive and will be fully streamed and recorded. John will move throughout the audience with cameras following. So if you are here, be advised that your likeness may [music] also be streamed and recorded. [screaming] Right. >> Let's uh let's [music] swap the audio feed over to my laptop. Well, that was SEAMLESS AS [ __ ] WHAT A perfect way to begin a show at a [ __ ] tech festival, [music] right? Beautiful people OF EMF, are you ready? [cheering] I say again, friends, are you ready? Then [screaming] let's begin. >> [music] >> hey. Oh yeah. WE ARE ABOUT TO PLAY A GAME. A game THAT IS SUPER EASY. LIGHT YOUR MOUTH. The rules are simple. Rule one, find the NIGHT SWITCH. RULE TWO, FIND YOUR FAMILY. RULE THREE, ESCAPE THE dark room. If you escape, you win some festival food. IF YOU FAIL, YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. AND NOW, CLAP YOUR HANDS AND THE STAGE, the dark room. [music] And now you play on your [music] >> Yes, SIR. FRIENDS, YOU ARE NOW INSIDE THE WORLD'S ONLY LIVEACTION VIDEO GAME. ACTIVATING GRAPHICS. OOH. AH, [screaming] DISAPPOINTING. NOW, IF YOU ARE ALIVE, MAKE A NOISE FOR ME NOW. >> [cheering] >> CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE SURVIVED SIX YEARS OF THE ENTIRE PLANET PLAYING ITSELF ON HARD [ __ ] MODE. [cheering] YOU HAVE SURVIVED THE CO MAIN STORY. OOH. ELUDED THE MONKEY POX DLC. AVOIDED WEIRD EXPANSION. [screaming] WHAT IS THAT CHINESE BALLOON? Made it THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF HEY, MAYBE LEAVE THE TITANIC THE [ __ ] ALONE AND SURVIVE THE ONGOING HIGHLIGHT OF AMERICA. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY VIDEO GAMES GEN Z PLAYS, THEY STILL CAN'T AIM A [ __ ] RIFLE. [cheering] >> [applause] >> AND YET, AND I SAY THIS WITH LOVE, ELON MUSK EXISTS. SO WHY NOT TRY A SECOND TIME? [cheering] HE TAKES HIS YOUNG SON WITH HIM WHEREVER HE GOES. HE USES THE BOY AS A HUMAN SHIELD. THE KID'S NAME IS X. AND IF MEMORY SERVES ME, THAT MARKS THE SPOT. I'M GOING ON TOUR IN AMERICA. CAN YOU SPOT THE JOKES THAT WON'T BE IN THAT SHOW? NOW, I WILL JUST SAY, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE OF ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELDS, I KNEW I WOULD LIKE YOU WHEN I WAS ON THE TRAIN, AND IT BECAME INCREASINGLY OBVIOUS WHICH OTHER PASSENGERS WERE COMING HERE. LET'S JUST PUT IT THIS WAY. I LIKE TO GO TO A PLACE WHERE THE WI-FI ISN'T [ __ ] BUT WHERE IT'S CONTAINED IS FRIENDS. Thank you. That was meant to be a joke about THE TOILET THING THAT THEY HAVE. I WAS BRIEFED ON THAT. THEY ASSURED ME THAT WAS FUNNY AND GOOD. NOW, I WILL JUST SAY AS I SAT THERE ON THE TRAIN, MY FAVORITE PART WAS THIS. IT WAS A MOMENT WHERE I LOOKED AND I WENT, there was a man WEARING A KILT. NOT JUST A KILT, BUT A HIGH VIZ PLASTIC KILT. [cheering] I know where he is going. IT WAS GENUINELY A JOY WHEN I CAME OUT HERE AND I REALIZED WHERE I WAS. THIS IS A FIELD OF BEAUTIFUL QUEER TECHNO HIPPIES IS WHAT IT IS. [cheering] >> [applause] >> I GENUINELY FEEL LIKE BLUE DOT HAS DROPPED MORE ACID NOW. NOW FRIENDS AT THIS TIME A QUESTION. IF YOU WERE BORN EVER A NOISE [cheering and screaming] GOOD IF YOU ARE BORN AGAIN A NOISE. [cheering] >> REALLY? [laughter] Well it is A TENT. YOU PROBABLY THINK IT'S A REVIVAL MEETING. NO. ALSO, I WILL JUST SAY IF YOU ARE GENUINELY BORN AGAIN CHRISTIANS, WELL, JESUS GOT HEAVIER. I'M POINTING AT THE CRUCIFIX, YOU [ __ ] PEOPLE. [cheering] WHAT IN THE NEON GENESIS EVANGELION IS THIS [ __ ] [cheering] GET IN THE TENT, SHINJI. NOW, IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO WAS BORN, OH, I DON'T KNOW, IN THE 1940S? NO. NO, THEY WERE WIPED OUT IN THE MAIN STORY. UM, NOW 1950S. >> YES. [cheering] YES. Come on. [applause] THEY ARE APPLAUDING YOU FOR BEING ALIVE, [screaming] SIR. [cheering] 1960S. LOOK, MATE. LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE MARIJUANA MAKES TO A GENERATION. 1970S. [cheering] >> LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE COCAINE MAKES. NOW, I I WAS CREATED IN THE 1980S. IF ANY OF YOU WERE BORN IN THE 80S, LET ME KNOW. [cheering] [screaming] >> LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE ADHD MAKES. [cheering] IS THERE ANYONE HERE BORN IN THE '9S? [cheering] I NEED YOU ALL TO KNOW SOMETHING. BACK IN THE DAY, [screaming] I WOULD HAVE MADE FUN OF YOU FOR being young. [cheering] BUT THE YEAR THE YEAR IS 20 26. TICK [ __ ] TALK. '90S KIDS. EACH OF YOU NOW HAS A PROSTATE AND IT CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY A HOUSE NOW. IS THERE ANYONE HERE BORN IN THE 2000S? YOU SICKEN ME. I HAVE TAMAGOTCHI OLDER THAN YOU. [laughter] I HAVE SEMON STAINS OLDER [screaming] THAN YOU. AND ARGUABLY MORE PRODUCTIVE AND IN THIS WEATHER SIMILARLY STICKY. NOW FRIENDS, I WILL JUST SAY BECAUSE THERE HAS BEEN A SPACE OF WHAT WE MIGHT CALL CREATIVE PARENTING AT my shows. Um, [laughter] IS THERE ANYONE HERE BORN IN THE 20110S? Oh [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> I REGRET THE PRECEDING FIVE minutes and the remaining hour. NO, [cheering] I I WILL JUST INQUIRE IF YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF A CHILD OR SORT OF OH, I DON'T KNOW. YOU PROBABLY RAISED them in a modern way. So, you view them as a PARTNER IN SOME WAY. The polyamorous people shut the [ __ ] up. Yeah. [cheering] NO, WAIT. YOU HEARD THE WORD PARTNER AND YOU WENT ALWAYS ROOM FOR ONE MORE. FRIENDS, IF YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF A CHILD, JUST RAISE YOUR HAND. RAISE IT UP. Raise your little hand up if you're in charge of a child that's here. Marvelous. And uh leave your hand up if you've got a problem with me swearing at your kids. And they went down. RIGHT HOME. RIGHTY LITTLE SHITS. LET'S [ __ ] GET INTO IT NOW. [cheering] ON THE COUNT OF THREE, I WANT ALL OF THE 2000S AND 2010 KIDS TO CALL OUT FOR ME YOUR FAVORITE VIDEO GAME. ONE, TWO, THREE. IT SADDENS ME [screaming] THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT NOISE, I HEARD FORTNITE. [ __ ] off. RUNNING AROUND SHOOTING YOUR FRIENDS. IF YOU WERE AMERICAN, YOU'D CALL IT SCHOOL NOW. AND IF YOU GENUINELY SAID MINECRAFT, [ __ ] OFF. >> MINECRAFT IS JUST LEGO FOR PEOPLE TOO LAZY TO LEGO. >> I AM FROM THE GLORIOUS 1980S. AND BACK IN THE 80S, OUR VIDEO GAMES DIDN'T NEED YOUR FANCY GRAPHICS OR FUN. [laughter] WE HAD TEXTBASED ADVENTURE GAMES. [cheering] AND IF YOU HAVE EVER PLAYED A TEXTBASED ADVENTURE GAME, YOU KNOW THERE ARE TWO WORDS THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THAT SENTENCE, AND THEY ARE ADVENTURE AND GAME. BUT THAT IS WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO DO. IF YOU ARE CALLED UPON TO PLAY, FRIENDS, FOUR OPTIONS WILL APPEAR UP ON THE SCREENS. YOU PICK ONE OF THE FOUR OPTIONS. TRY TO ESCAPE THE DARK ROOM. IF YOU SUCCEED, I will leave this place WITH YOU. WE WILL WALK TO A FOOD VENDOR. I WILL BUY YOU AN ITEM OF FOOD THAT CLEARLY WAS5 TO10 CHEAPER IN THE NEAREST TOWN. I SAY THIS WITH LOVE. THAT'S NOT HOW MUCH NUTELLA COSTS. NOW I WILL HAND A DEAL. IT WILL ALL IN ALL LOOK QUITE SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE I AM BUYING YOUR FRIENDSHIP. BUT IF YOU FAIL, [laughter] YOU will die. BUT DON'T BE ALARMED. NO PLAYER GOES HOME EMPTY-HANDED. BEHOLD THE TABLE OF WONDERS. TONIGHT ON THE TABLE OF WONDERS, THIS FLAMBOYANT POTATO [cheering] AND SOME [ __ ] FROM MY HOUSE I DON'T WANT TO TAKE HOME. >> [cheering] >> AND AT THIS TIME, FRIENDS, I WILL HAVE A PLAYER. AND I WISH FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TO THE DARK ROOM BEFORE. WHO WHO WILL GO FIRST? THROW UP YOUR HANDS. MAKE NOISE. WHO WILL PLAY? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT? SHH. YOU. YOU. STAND UP. STAND UP. COME HERE. LOOK AT THE PEOPLE. Look at the people, FRIENDS. YOU NEVER SEE A MAN COSPLAYING AS 1992 ANYMORE. [cheering] THANK YOUR FRIEND. SIT DOWN, RADICAL. RIGHT. I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY WITH YOU. I'M 40 AND YOU REMINDED ME OF MY CHILDHOOD. [cheering] YOU YOU WILL PLAY. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? >> BOOP. >> MARVELOUS. [laughter] IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO NO. NO. SIT DOWN. YOU PLAY IT FROM YOUR CHAIR FOR [ __ ] SAKE. RIGHT. ALSO, it was a real pleasure to tell someone to sit down AND WATCH THEM JUST sit wherever I [ __ ] told them to. [cheering] STRONG SUBMISSIVE VIBES. VOP. NO. [laughter] ALSO, I LOVE SOMEBODY KEEP BEING CALLED BOOP. WE KNOW THAT WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF YOUR [ __ ] HELL, YOU HIT the doctor RIGHT IN THE FACE. But [laughter] Boop, ARE YOU READY? >> OUTSTANDING. BOOP. YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM. PICK AN OPTION, MY LOVE. >> I absolutely would like to sleep. >> REALLY? [laughter] >> YOU'D LIKE to sleep? >> That's like my WHOLE VIBE. >> NO, NO, THAT'S YOUR WHOLE VIBE. NO, I PRESUME THAT'S THE THING VIBRATING IN YOUR [ __ ] NO, I MEAN, LOOK, I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT TO SLEEP. I SAW YOUR FRIEND'S OUTFIT. I'M [ __ ] EXHAUSTED, TOO, FRIEND. I KNOW I'M DRESSED LIKE A COMBINATION OF FIST OF THE NORTHSTAR AND MAD MAX, BUT I'VE LITERALLY NEVER LOOKED AT SOMEONE AND BEEN DEAFENED BEFORE. FRIEND, [laughter] BOOP. WORN OUT. WORN OUT. YOU SLEEP. AND WHEN SLEEP HAS ENDED, YOU ARE WAKE [screaming] TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM. PICK AN OPTION, MY LOVE. >> CONGRATULATIONS. YOUR POCKETS WERE MADE IN THE FORMER CZECH REPUBLIC. IT DOESN'T HELP YOU ESCAPE, BUT IT'S LOVELY TO KNOW. READ IT. >> WELL, LET'S PUT IT TO THE CROWD. WHO SAYS THAT BOOP LIVES? [cheering] >> WHO SAYS THEY DIE? [screaming] [cheering] >> I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO INFORM YOU. YOU [screaming] DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. CLAP YOUR HANDS FOR THEM. [cheering] THIS IS WHAT WE'RE DOING FOR THE NEXT HOUR. [applause and cheering] >> A PRIZE. A PRIZE FOR BOOP. COME HERE. >> Come here. Stay there. >> Boop. >> [ __ ] off. >> Can I have the THE FANCY POTATO? >> CAN YOU HAVE THE FANCY POTATO? NO. I'VE LITERALLY TOUCHED YOU ON WHAT I ASSUME IS A CLITORIS. SIT DOWN NOW. [laughter] RIGHT THEN. ALSO, UH, HELLO THERE. YES, JUST TOUCH MY FINGER THERE. Thank you. HAVING TOUCHED BOOB'S NOSE, I'VE JUST GIVEN YOU a sustainable source of oil. Now, WHO WILL PLAY NOW, FRIENDS? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? NOW, FRIENDS, I SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL, POLITE RAISING THEIR HANDS. PLEASE DO NOT PRESUME THAT I am the lockpicking workshop friends. ALL I NEED IS MOVEMENT AND NOISE. WHO WILL PLAY? WHO? WHO? WHO? [cheering] >> YOU. [screaming] YOU WILL PLAY. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? >> Um John Pratt. >> JOHN FRAN? REALLY? I DO NOT LIKE THIS NAME. WHY CAN'T IT BE A SENSIBLE NAME LIKE BOOP? FOR [ __ ] SAKE. >> [cheering] >> YOU'LL BE CALLED DARREN. >> DO YOU LIKE THAT NAME? >> SHUT UP, [screaming] DARREN. DARREN, YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM. PICK AN OPTION, FRIEND. >> GO NORTH. >> YOU PROCEED IN THE DIRECTION YOU BELIEVE TO BE NORTH. HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? YOU'RE IN A [screaming] DARK ROOM. WHAT THE [ __ ] OH MY GOD. THIS IS AMAZING. HEY GANG. GANG, LEAN IN. LEAN IN. COME HERE. COME HERE. SO, YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE AT A TECH FESTIVAL, RIGHT? YEAH. BIG POWERFUL WI-FI SIGNAL. YEAH. YEAH. Not on the [ __ ] Bluetooth ON THIS CONTROLLER. IT [ __ ] ISN'T. RIGHT. IF YOU'RE AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM AND YOU GET PICKED TO PLAY, THERE'S A STRONG CHANCE THE PERFORMERS STAYING DOWN HERE NOW. OH, [ __ ] [ __ ] I AM NOT RESETTING YOU. YOU [ __ ] [cheering] FINE. YES, I am. [laughter] >> You know what's great, FRIENDS? WE GOT A SEA OF HACKERS OUT HERE. I'M CLEARLY HAVING A TECH ISSUE. NO ONE [ __ ] HELPED. RIGHT. >> I DID JUST TURN IT ON AND OFF AGAIN. >> [cheering] [applause] >> I LOVE SOMEBODY CALLING OUT WHAT'S NOT JUST THE FESTIVAL MOTTO, BUT IT SHOULD BE YOUR [ __ ] SAFE WORD. NOW, [screaming] ALSO, [ __ ] ME, FOLKS. YOU CAN ALL SEE THAT FLASHING. THAT'S GENU FINE. [ __ ] SAKE. Some of you might wonder if I'm doing this deliberately, just so men of a particular age can feel involved. [laughter] JUST A NICE BUNCH OF PEOPLE GOING, "COMETH THE HOUR. COMETH THE MAN, MOTHERFUCKER." [laughter] [ __ ] Remove device. Add device. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Oh. [cheering] >> OH, NO. SHOW IT ON THE SCREEN. SHOW IT ON THE SCREEN. [cheering] [ __ ] sake. [cheering] >> ASK A PILOT. >> I'M NOT ASKING THE [ __ ] CO-PILOT. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH DRINKING WATER AS IT IS. [laughter] I can't BELIEVE I'M GETTING PAID FOR THIS. [laughter] CAN [ __ ] [applause] MOTHER [ __ ] FINE. [screaming] FINE. [laughter] OH, [ __ ] off. [screaming] [cheering] [applause] >> [ __ ] This is [ __ ] amazing. OH, GOOD. OH, GREAT. >> Don't you Don't you [ __ ] update. I didn't click [ __ ] update. [laughter] Jesus Christ. [cheering] [cheering] It's good of everyone to [cheering] friends. I WILL JUST POINT OUT YOU'RE CHEERING THE FACT THE LAPTOP IS BACK ON. THE BLUETOOTH CONTROLLER HAS STILL NOT BEEN FIXED. HE TEMPORARILY HE TEMPORARILY CALLS OUT TO THE TECH STAFF THAT THERE IS A SPARE CONTROLLER POTENTIALLY OUT THE BACK BEHIND THE STAGE. IF SOMEONE COULD GO HAVE A LOOK please [cheering] [screaming] go to Yes. [laughter] WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME? WAS IT BECAUSE OF THE NEON GENESIS EVANGELION JOKE? [cheering] >> YEAH. OH, [ __ ] YEAH. >> THANKS, DARREN. >> OH, [ __ ] Hey gang, REMEMBER BEFORE WHEN I removed three controllers? [laughter] >> [cheering] [screaming] >> [ __ ] sake. FOR THOSE YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST BRING THE LIGHTS UP ON STAGE FOR A MINUTE. JUST BRING THE LIGHTS UP ON ON STAGE. HEY GANG, YOU KNOW WHAT? AT THIS POINT, SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE GOING, "FUCKING HELL, HOW DOES HE MAKE A living doing this?" AS YOU GO. IS THIS THE SHOW? WHAT A FINELY SCRIPTED THING WE'RE WATCHING. I LOVE THE WAY HE SEEMS BELIEVABLY TENSE. [laughter] ALMOST AS THOUGH [ __ ] IS GOING WRONG AND IT'S NOT MEANT TO. I WILL ALSO JUST POINT OUT it is my pleasure. Normally at the end of the show, I reveal the fact I'm Australian and it's a bit of a surprise. BUT AT THE MOMENT, I'M GOING TO NEED THAT I'M GOING TO NEED THAT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT BECAUSE IF YOU GET THE [ __ ] BACK THERE, YOUNG MAN, I'm going TO NEED THAT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT CUZ IF THIS DOESN'T CONNECT, you will never have heard the word [ __ ] yelled as loudly as it's going to happen. [cheering] USBC. >> OH, NOW BOOP. BOOP HAS JUST BROUGHT ME A USBC. UM, BOOP, that's a very good idea except for one problem. I do need to be able to run around the stage otherwise the show is just this. HOWEVER, BOOP, I THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR your offering and a new prize is added. [cheering] I'm glad TO SEE THAT SOMEONE'S GOT ARMOR 2017 Pro. That's nice. I genuinely thought I'd see more Bluetooth enabled chassity devices at this place. [cheering] I'm right. Right. It's h ANYONE KNOW ANY [ __ ] SONGS? >> WHAT'S DO I DO? I WANT YOU TO PRESS THE BUTTONS FOR ME. THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED. COME HERE. COME ON, CHAMP. [cheering] >> YEAH. All right. [applause] WHAT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, FRIEND? >> IF YOU PLUG THAT IN AND JUST SHOUT WHAT BUTTONS YOU WANT >> OH. OH, YOU OH, I'M GONNA PLUG THIS IN AND YOU'RE GONNA OKAY, FINE. [laughter] LET'S GIVE THAT A [ __ ] GO. [cheering] [applause] [cheering] MARVELOUS. OKAY, SO THAT'S PLUGGED in and Okay, now what's your name? >> Matt Gray. [cheering] [applause] MATT GRAY. I SAY THIS WITH LOVE. MY NAME IS JOHN ROBERTSON. Normally every fiber of my being Oh, with a name like Matt Gray, we'd be riffing on that for [ __ ] ages, Matt. For [ __ ] ages. I love anyone named after where they were conceived. MATT GRAY. BUT NO, NO, NOT YOU. YOU ARE a hero, young man. Now, let's see if this works. Press anything. [ __ ] SAKE. [cheering] THAT HAS NOT WORKED. >> MATT GRAY. OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WHAT THE [ __ ] [cheering] [applause] MATT GRAY? DO ME A FAVOR. MOVE TOWARDS THE TABLE. MAD GRAY. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. JUST GET IN FRONT OF THE TABLE, MATT. GET IN FRONT OF THE TABLE, MATT. SIT DOWN, MATT. SIT DOWN, MATT. [laughter] Another new prize. [cheering] [applause] >> OKAY, WE HAVE NOW PLUGGED IN A CONTROLLER TO THE USB. MY LAPTOP DOES NOT RECOGNIZE THIS CONTROLLER. [cheering] A NEW PRIZE. WHAT THE [ __ ] [cheering] >> PLAYSTATION. >> YEP, THAT'S A PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER AND IT IS a new prize. [laughter] >> OKIE DOKIE. TAKE THAT ONE BACK. >> THANK YOU. >> THANK YOU. YOU'RE MUCH MORE FRIGHTENING THAN THE FURRY I WAS PLAYING WITH BEFORE. Now >> Oh, WHAT THE OH, YOU'RE JUST BRINGING ALCOHOL. THANKS, BUDDY. RIGHT. [cheering] [applause] >> OH, YOU'RE GOING TO HELP FIX THAT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? >> YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW? >> I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. [laughter] OUTSTANDING. IT'S ALWAYS nice to meet someone WHO WORKS IN MISSILE DEFENSE. Now gang, I will just say at this time it pleases me to see an audience some of whom are looking at me and some of whom are looking at that with genuine interest. >> Oh [ __ ] yeah. IT'S GOTTEN TENSE DOWN HERE. Zoom in. Oh [laughter] my. >> Oh, wait, wait. You You've paired your controller to your phone. >> No, it was paired to your phone. >> It was paired to your phone. Oh, that's okay. I think I think we're doing all right now. That's There are easier ways to give me your number. Okay. Thank you. [cheering] >> Okie dokie. There are currently two technicians in baseball caps having a complicated discussion on the stage. Meanwhile, Matt Gray is chill as [ __ ] GET A ZOOM IN ON MATT GRAY. [cheering] [applause] [cheering] [applause and cheering] YOU KNOW, MATT GRAEME, I LOVE SEEING A CHILL MAN. I LOVE SEEING a calm man. AND YOU KNOW, MATT, AT THE MOMENT, I'M FEELING fairly calm. You know why that is, Matt? Why is that? Well, the thing is, Matt, it doesn't really matter what happens during the show because I've already been paid, Matt. [cheering] So, AS THIS TICKS BY, I THINK TO MYSELF, my god, I'm really enjoying this new fourman immersive performance that I'm part of ENTITLED FOUR MEN IN A LAPTOP. >> I think I've paid for that video. >> YOU THINK YOU'VE PAID FOR THAT VIDEO? OH, good on you, Matt Gray. I'm beginning to see why the map was [ __ ] gray right now. THE >> WHAT'S HAPPENED? IT'S COMPLETELY [ __ ] IT'S COMPLETELY [laughter] [ __ ] >> IT'S COMPLETELY [ __ ] EVERYONE. [cheering] [applause] >> YOU'RE OKAY >> FRIENDS. THE UP. YOU KNOW WHAT? [ __ ] IT. MATT GRAY, DO YOU DRINK? >> YEAH. >> OUTSTANDING. There you go, Matt. >> Enjoy yourself. >> YOU KNOW, SINCE THE YOU KNOW WHAT'S [ __ ] AMAZING? SHOW'S BEEN GOING NOW 27 MINUTES. SHOWS NO SIGNS of beginning. [cheering] FRANKLY, I THINK THAT AS A PERFORMER, I WAS QUITE BRAVE TO START WITH AN INTERVAL. >> [applause] [cheering] >> ALSO, YOU KNOW WHAT? [ __ ] IT. Here you go. H Have some filling. Have some filler content. Doop-doo dupd fisting. >> [laughter] >> Oh [ __ ] BIT OF AUDIO FROM THE LAPTOP. [music] I got [music] you. [music] You are shocking. [music] It's It's Matt Gray has asked a wonderful question. THE QUESTION MATT GRAY HAS ASKED WAS, "Is it keyboard controlled?" The answer is no. I will JUST POINT OUT. OH YEAH, TAKE THE AUDIO OUT. DON'T worry >> friends. This show has been running for 14 years. [laughter] This has never happened. [cheering] >> Yeah. Yeah. [music] Bad parity. [music] [ __ ] yes. Yes. All right, LET'S HIT THE LIGHTS. TAKE HIM DOWN. GIVE IT UP FOR SAM AND THE TANK crew and Matt Green. [cheering and applause] ALL RIGHT, SIT. SIT ON DOWN, SAM. ALL RIGHT. THANKS, MATE. MATT, YOU STAY. [music] All right. Yay. [ __ ] IT OUT. THE SHOW NEVER properly started, so it CAN'T BE STARTED AGAIN. WELCOME TO THE STAGE, THE [music] DARK ROOM. >> [music] >> [ __ ] YES, GANG. WELCOME. WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO A COMPLETELY NORMAL SESSION OF JOHN ROBERTSON'S JOHN ROBERTSON'S THE DARK ROOM STARTING NOW ON STAGE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME FEATURING AS IT ALWAYS DOES, MR. MATT GRAY. >> [cheering] [applause] [cheering and screaming] >> NOW FRIENDS BECAUSE THE SHOW HAS ONLY JUST STARTED. WHO WILL GO FIRST? WHO? WHO? WHO WHO WHO? OH [ __ ] LET'S OVERCOMMIT TO THE BIT. YOU. [cheering] BUT WAIT A MOMENT. WHAT'S THIS? A MAN DRESSED AS THE YEAR 1992. THAT'S VERY FUNNY AND I'VE NEVER SAID IT BEFORE. RIGHT NOW THEN NAME. >> BOOP. OUTSTANDING. I REMEMBER YOUR TURN. WE'RE NOT DOING IT AGAIN. RIGHT. WHO WHO WANTS [screaming] TO GO? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? YOU. YOU, MY LOVE. YOU WILL PLAY. AND FRIEND. I THINK YOU'LL appreciate this. Because of this, I will BE DISTANCED. FRIEND. [screaming] WHAT IS YOUR NAME? >> STRAFE. >> STRAFE. A BEAUTIFUL NAME. A WONDERFUL NAME. I GENUINELY FELT AS THOUGH MY SHOW WAS BEING [ __ ] STRAFED MOMENTS BEFORE, BUT AT THIS TIME I DO NOT LIKE THIS NAME. DARREN WILL BE YOUR NAME. [cheering] >> DO YOU LIKE THAT NAME? OUTSTANDING. DARREN, YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM. PICK AN OPTION, DARREN. WHY? [screaming] >> WHY? BECAUSE IT'S DARK, DARREN. AND A ROOM, DARREN, AND YOU'RE AWAKE IN IT, DARREN. ALSO, CAN WE JUST ALL enjoy the fact that without the context of the show at all, how incredibly serious Matt Gray looks in this light? [applause and cheering] [cheering] >> [applause and cheering] >> HEY, HEY, MATT GRAY, JUST SO YOU KNOW, NORMALLY AT THE END OF the show, we pick someone to play and it's a surprise. Today, I suspect we know where this is going. So, [cheering] >> PICK AN OPTION OUT THERE, DARREN. YOU HAVE SELECTED WHY. PICK AN OPTION. >> DOWNLOAD. >> OH, WE AIN'T DOWNLOADING [ __ ] TONIGHT. WE COULDN'T EVEN GET THE THING [ __ ] WORKING. AND DID YOU ALL SEE THE LITTLE ORANGE DOT OF WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE? BASTARDS. I WILL SMASH YOUR [ __ ] WINDOWS IN WITH AN APPLE, YOU PRICKS. RIGHT, FRIEND. YOU LIKE TO DOWNLOAD DLC? WHAT DLC WILL YOU DOWNLOAD? PREMIUM STUPID HAT MODE. [cheering] >> WHO HAS A HAT? WHO OF THE TECHNO HIPPIES HAS THE BEST HAT? WHO HAS A HAT? WHO HAS A HAT THAT I [screaming] CAN HAVE? WHO? WHO? BRING IT TO ME. BRING THE HAT TO ME. OUTSTANDING. I HAVE A HAT. WHO HAS £10 IN CASH? YOU DO. GET THE MONEY. GET THE MONEY. NICE SCARF. I ALSO LIKE TO [ __ ] CH I WAS GOING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT AUTOEROTIC ESPHYXIATION AND THEN I CHOKED. WEIRD. RICE. [cheering] RICE. I'VE GOT THE HAT. I'VE GOT 20 QUID. THERE YOU GO, MAN. BROTHER. [cheering] THE MAN WHO GAVE US THE MONEY. GOOD LUCK GETTING IT BACK. NOW THEN, I'VE GOT THE HAT. MATT'S GOT THE CASH. THAT'S ALL PREMIUM STUPID HAT MODE IS. YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM. PICK YOURSELF. OH MY [ __ ] GOD. PICK YOURSELF AN OPTION. GO. >> CHRISTMAS. DO [screaming] YOU MEAN CHRISTMAS? SEASON TO SISMAS. OKIE DOKIE. THAT'S THE END OF YOUR TURN. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. [screaming] CLAP YOUR HANDS FOR STRAFE. [cheering] [applause] WELL DONE. [cheering] WELL DONE, STRAFE. YOU HAVE WON THAT man's hat. We're keeping the money [screaming] now. FRIENDS, I WANT ANOTHER WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? >> YES. YES. YOU THERE IN THE ONESIE. [screaming] YOU. YES. THE ONE SHAKING BACK AND FORTH. YOU. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? >> DOC. >> AH, [screaming] DUCK. OKAY, FRIEND. How old are you? >> NO, NO, NO. I'M I'M literally Brother, are you in a onesie? >> NO. >> YOU'RE 13 ON SATURDAY? That is the most teenage [ __ ] I've ever heard. I'm an adult. I'M 13 ON SATURDAY. OKIE DOKIE. NOW, FRIEND, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? OH. OH, NO. NO. GET THE CAMERA AWAY FROM THE CHILD. NO. NO. [ __ ] MOVE AWAY. YOU COULD NOT HAVE MADE THAT MORE TENSE IF YOU [ __ ] TRIED. WE LITERALLY NO, NO. UH CA CAMERA CREW, move away. LITERALLY, WHAT HAPPENED WAS I WENT, "HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?" AND OUT OF NOWHERE, TWO VERY TALL PEOPLE WITH A GIANT CAMERA GOT RIGHT IN THEIR [ __ ] FACE. And it's A LITTLE INTENSE WHEN WE KNOW THE ANSWER. THEY WANT TO BE A SLIGHTLY BIGGER DUCK. NOW, [cheering] NOW ARE YOU READY, DUCKY DARREN? YES. You What has happened to the show? FIRST IT WAS BROKEN. NOW IT'S WHOLESOME. I'VE GOT A SON. [cheering] Put that down. on the table. [ __ ] sake, I gave you 20 QUID. YOU CAN BUY ONE AT THE BAR. Right now, FRIENDS, AS THE SHOW CONTINUES, EVERY TIME I SAY YOU AWAKE [screaming] TO FIND YOURSELF, >> BEAUTIFUL. FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN. AND ANYTIME SOMEONE DIES, FEEL FREE TO TURN AND POINT AT THEM AND GIVE THEM A HEARTY. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU [screaming] DIE. YOU DIE. FANTASTIC. AND JUST FOR FUNSY ONESIES, WE WILL PRACTICE THE YOU DIE, you die, you dies on this nice person here. Mostly because your top is the where's Wally pattern. And it's my pleasure to let you know I have found you. SO 1 2 3. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YEAH. OH [ __ ] IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENED. [ __ ] HELL. WE'VE ALREADY HAD THE LAPTOP BREAK AND THEN SHE FAKED A HEART ATTACK. CHRIST ALMIGHTY. WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED TODAY? WELL, I was talking to a duck. Right. My god, this is rapidly becoming a Salvador Darly painting in the sense that it's not enjoyable, but the technique involved is excellent. Right. [laughter] [cheering] HERE WE GO. DUCKY DARREN ALL TOGETHER FRIENDS. YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF. >> [cheering] >> PICK AN OPTION, MY LOVE. [applause and cheering] WHY WOULD A DUCK WANT SOMETHING IT CAN'T HAVE? This is you. OH, I'M IN A DARK [screaming] ROOM. OH. OH, I HOPE. OH, I HOPE. OH, I HOPE I'VE GOT FEET. >> ONE. >> [cheering] >> TWO [screaming] FRIEND. WOULDN'T YOU IN FACT PREFER ANY OF THESE FOUR RHYMING [screaming] OPTIONS? YOU HAVE SELECTED YEET. THIS IS YOU. OH, I'M IN A DARK ROOM. ONE, TWO. WELL, THAT'S enough of that. YOU THROW OFF YOUR FEET. BLOOD IS PISSING OUT OF THE STUMPS WHERE THEY USED TO BE. >> SLEEP. WORN OUT. WORN OUT FROM THE [screaming] TRAUMA OF RIPPING OFF YOUR OWN [ __ ] FEET. YOU SLEEP. AND WHEN SLEEP HAS ENDED, YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM. GO. WHAT IS IN YOUR POKEDEX? [cheering] [laughter] What will it [screaming] be? >> SNORLAX. >> WHICH ONE? >> YOU. SNORLAX. OUTSTANDING. IN THE VIDEO GAME POKéMON, SNORLAX IS LIKE A GIANT SLEEPING BEAR. [laughter] >> MASS. [cheering] Close your eyes. Snorlax, [cheering] [applause] open your eyes. Your genuine terror is upsetting me. FRED, [cheering] IN A DARK ROOM, YOU TELL A GIANT BEAR TO CLOSE THEIR EYES AND YOU USE THEM. YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME, BUT THEN THE BEAR BECOMES ANNOYED. IT RIPS YOUR THROAT OUT. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. CLAP YOUR HANDS FOR A BRAVE CHILD. [cheering] >> [applause] >> A PRIZE. A PRIZE. FRIEND, YOU HAVE WON A FINE PRIZE. YOU HAVE WON A BONUS ROUND. OOH. A BONUS ROUND THAT I [screaming] CALL TORTILLA. UM, have you got any strength to you, Matt? C, can you open that? >> Good job. [cheering] Kill him. All of the matter FOLKS, IT'S GOING TO GO LIKE THIS. HEY, I've also JUST DISCOVERED WE NEVER NEEDED the microphone. OH, THEY ARE RECORDING. OH. OH, DON'T WORRY, M. WHAT ELSE COULD GO [ __ ] WRONG? [laughter] The people on Twitter ARE GOING TO SOUND SOMEHOW they realize this is the least worst thing that's ever been. Of [applause] course, let me say any audience has ever heard me SING A BREEZE. IT'S NO BAD WHEN THE SOUND CUTS OFF. SO, it'll go like this, friend. EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU GRAB THE whole bed there? THANK YOU. SHINE UP ON ME REAL NICE. NOW, FOLKS, I am about to sing a song. WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT how it goes, join on in. [screaming] Yeah. Heat. >> [applause] [cheering] >> You know, you know, MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT ALL OF THAT WAS WAS REALIZING THAT IN THE APPALLING HEAT OF BRITISH SUMMER, ALL OF THOSE TORTILLAS HAD STUCK TOGETHER AND WATCHING EIGHT OF THEM HIT ONE MAN IN THE FACE. [applause] [cheering] NOW BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE LET US HAVE ANOTHER PLAYER. WHO NOW? WHO? WHO? WHO WHO WHO [cheering] IS IT FRIENDS? WHO? WHO? WHO WHO WHO? YOU. YOU WILL PLAY. YOU MY DARLING. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? >> ABBY. [screaming] NO. DARREN WILL BE your name. What is it you do? What's your job? >> I'm a software engineer. >> A software engineer. You are not alone, friend. [cheering] WHAT FORM [screaming] OF SOFTWARE? >> Oh dear. I I hate to do this, but if you can't explain what it is, you won't like the name I give you. You will BE KNOWN AS VIBE CODING DARREN. RIGHT. VIBE CODING DARREN ALL TOGETHER FRIENDS. YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK [screaming] ROOM. AND NOW LET'S SEE WHAT'S UP ON THE SCREEN. OH, IF OKAY, PICK AN OPTION. >> HOW WILL YOU FIND THE LIGHT SWITCH? YOU'RE IN A [screaming] DARK ROOM. YOU NEED THE LIGHT SWITCH TO SEE. DO YOU SEE? [ __ ] YOU SEE, >> YOU'RE IN A DARK ROOM. GO. JUMP. OH, DON'T EVER GET A job as a counselor, friend. Right. [laughter] MATTY GRAY LIKED IT. RIGHT. YOU HAVE SELECTED JUMP. THIS IS YOU. OH, [screaming] I'M IN A DARK ROOM. >> [sighs] [cheering] >> YOU JUMP. AND CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE [screaming] FOUND SOMETHING. OH, >> THERE'S A 10-IN MEAT SPIKE IN THE CEILING. IT IMPALES YOU THROUGH THE SKULL. I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO INFORM YOU. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. CLAP YOUR HANDS FOR SOFTWARE DARREN. [applause and cheering] >> YES, YOU HAVE WON THE ARRIVAL OF the alarming baby. [screaming] >> [laughter] >> I brought that from home. [laughter] We I noticed there are still three cans of Coke on the table mat. Very good. I'm going to turn my back for some time. And I'm sure there'll be no shenanigans. Not even a little bit of shannery. No skull duggery. If you touch the coke, it'll break your [ __ ] arm. Do you understand? Okie dokie. [laughter] I'm joking about the last. [cheering] >> TELL YOU WHAT, MATT GRAY, LET'S PUT IT TO THE PEOPLE. WHO SAYS MATT GRAY CAN HAVE A CAN OF COKE ZERO? [cheering] >> MATT GRAY, YOU MAY HAVE A CAN OF COKE ZERO. There are three CANS OF COKE ZERO UP HERE ON THE STAGE. TWO OF THEM ARE EMPTY. ONE OF THEM IS FULL. TURN THE LIGHTS OFF ON THE STAGE. [cheering] >> RICE, TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON. PICK A CAN OF COKE, Matt Gray. [laughter] Oh, you rotten bastard. Yes. [cheering] [applause] [cheering] YES. [cheering and applause] >> You are a beautiful YOUNG MAN. DO YOU GET COLD SORES? >> NO. >> YES, I do now. [laughter] >> YES, YOU DO NOW. CORRECT. THERE WE ARE. NOT ONLY DID I TRANSMIT THE VIRUS, ALSO THE JOKE. NO. [laughter] RIGHT, GANG. THE TIME HAS COME. WE WILL NOW [screaming] HAVE THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE co-op round. Ooh. IN THIS ROUND, TWO PEOPLE MUST PLAY TOGETHER. WHO WOULD LIKE TO PLAY AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE? WHO AMONGST YOU? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? >> YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. WAVING YOUR LITTLE ARMS LIKE YOU'RE DROWNING. YEAH. THAT ONE THERE. YOU. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? >> DARREN. NOW, WHAT IS YOUR JOB? >> I DON'T WORK. YOU DON'T WORK. WHAT ARE YOU? MY [ __ ] LAPTOP. [applause] [cheering] YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS GOING ON EBAY SHORTLY, DARREN. SO, WE HAVE OVER THERE A NONFUNCTIONING DEVICE OF A HUMAN BEING. I WAS GOING TO ASK IF WE HAD ANYONE FULLY FUNCTIONAL HERE, BUT LET'S BE FAIR. [cheering] YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. I WANT SOMEONE TO DO BATTLE WITH THAT MAN. WHO WILL FIGHT? WHO WILL PLAY? WHO AMONGST YOU? WHO? WHO? WHO WHO WHO? YOU. [screaming] YOU WILL PLAY FOR YOU AND I HAVE been to the same hairdresser. I was up there on THE STAGE. I LOOKED DOWN AND I THOUGHT, "FUCK, IT'S ME." NO. >> WHAT IS YOUR NAME? >> TG. >> T what? >> TG. >> TG? No. No. No. Those are the initials of my least favorite fetish club in London. No, [applause] [cheering] >> thank you. Not only DID I KNOW WHAT PARTS OF THE AUDIENCE WOULD ENJOY THAT, I COULD SMELL THEM BEFORE THE SHOW BEGAN. >> NOW THEN, AND WHAT IS YOUR JOB, FRIEND? >> I'M RETIRED. >> YOU'RE RETIRED? OH, I don't think that could possibly be true. It couldn't be couldn't be age related. A nice 25-year-old like you. Goodness me. WOULD YOU [ __ ] OFF? I'M TRYING TO GET LAID, you people. [cheering] MY GOD. AND WHAT IS IT YOU WERE DOING? >> TEACHER. OH, you were a teacher of the of the children. Marvelous. And what age group was that? >> Uh, from 3 to 16. >> From 3 to 16. Is it all covered by the same syllabus? Turn to a three-year-old. YOU'LL BE GOING THROUGH PUBERTY EVENTUALLY. [ __ ] LEARN. RIGHT. THAT'S THAT'S BLOODY AMAZING. WHAT DO THEY CALL THAT? THAT'S K TO 12, is it? Or something? >> No, no, no. Kids with >> Oh, it's kids with disabilities. All right, we'll [ __ ] make it unfunny then. All right, that's [laughter] fine. >> All right. [cheering] [ __ ] off. GETTING HECKLED BY ME OWN [ __ ] SHOW. RIGHT, FINE. THEN YOU'LL BE KNOWN AS WORTHY AND EXCELLENT CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY, DARREN. [cheering] [applause] AND YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS ALSO DARREN. >> LET US DO THIS. WE WILL BEGIN WITH THE TEACHER AND THEN BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH UNTIL ONE OF YOU IS DEAD AND THE REST OF US ARE HAPPY. HERE WE GO FRIENDS ALL TOGETHER. [cheering] YOU ARE WAKE TO FIND YOURSELF. >> PICK AN OPTION TEACHER DOWN. [screaming] PLAY DIFFERENT GAME. Oh my god. I remember I remember the teachers I had at school. They would see me when I was trying to do [ __ ] like this and they would say, "Stop that." And now that memory has come flooding back as a teacher looks at the show and goes, "Play a different game." [laughter] FINE. THEN ALSO DARREN, WHAT GAME WOULD YOU ENJOY? [laughter] ALSO, I WILL JUST POINT OUT ON THIS SCREEN IS AN option that LEADS TO A SET OF OPTIONS THAT HAS BEEN CUSTOMD DESIGNED FOR THIS FESTIVAL. [laughter] [cheering] [applause] NO, NO, NO, NO, [screaming] NO. AND IT'S DIFFICULT TO FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE IT IS, ISN'T IT? YOU WERE SELECTED. I WHICH ONE DID YOU PICK? CIA WATCH LIST. FINE WITH ME. TEACHER DARREN, YOU MAY HAVE AN ACTUAL GAME. WHAT SORT OF GAME WOULD YOU LIKE? >> Something indie. Okay. [laughter] >> No [ __ ] No [ __ ] >> YOU HAVE ACTIVATED INCEL ROMANCE SIMULATOR 9000. Hello there, young American boy. You have gone to a McDonald's. Oh no, there is a girl working behind the counter. >> What will you do? [laughter] Pick an option. Go home. SHE'LL NEVER TALK TO YOU. said with all the [ __ ] CONFIDENCE OF ANDREW TATE, RIGHT? [cheering and applause] HER JOB WAS LITERALLY TO SPEAK TO YOU, BUT YOU GO HOME. YOU DON'T EVEN ORDER A BURGER. YOU DIE. [screaming] YOU DIE. YOU [cheering] DIE. YOU DIE. BUT ONLY SOCIALLY. [cheering] TEACHER DARREN, YOU MAY PICK YOURSELF AN OPTION, BUT IN FACT, NO. HANG ON. D. OH, YES. We're going to go with play different game. And curiously, OUT OF INTEREST, TEACHER DARREN, DO YOU LIKE COMPUTERS AND CAMPING? [cheering] YES. YOU LIKE COMPUTERS AND CAMPING? OUTSTANDING. YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF AT ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELDS FESTIVAL. [cheering] What will YOU DO THERE? ALSO, Darren to THE SWAP. >> YOU HEAD TO THE SWAP SHOP. NOW, I UNDERSTAND A FEW YEARS AGO, [cheering] [applause] WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET AT THE SWAP SHOP THERE, TEACHER DARREN? >> [cheering] >> YOU GET YOURSELF SOME ORPHAN SAUCES. OUTSTANDING. THEY'RE CALLED THAT CUZ THEY'RE RADIOACTIVE AND GENUINELY MAKE ORPHANS HAPPEN. YOU DIE. [screaming] YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. CLAP YOUR HANDS FOR THE PAIR OF THEM. [cheering] [applause] PRIZES. SUCH PRIZES. NOW FOLKS, I WANT YOU TO PASS THIS BACK TO ALSO DARREN. YOU HAVE WON THE REMAINS OF A 13 POUND CHICKEN CORA. PASS IT DOWN. PASS IT OVER TO HIM. AND AS FOR THE TEACHER, FRIEND, were you in the in the public school system, you know, with the state school system. Yeah. Okie dokie. I will give you the gift of funding. [laughter] Matt, GIVE US THE 20. GIVE US THE 20. MATT, GIVE US THE 20. [ __ ] yeah. [applause] There you go. That works. [applause] >> FREDDY QUIT. PRETTY QUIT. >> [ __ ] YES. [laughter] NOW GANG, IT'S GOING TO GO LIKE THIS. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. WE HAVE TIME FOR TWO MORE SOLO PLAYERS AND THEN THE DARK ROOM democracy round. Ooh. IN THAT ROUND, EVERYBODY PLAYS TOGETHER. AND JUST LIKE IN A REAL DEMOCRACY, ONLY THE PEOPLE WITH THE LOUDEST VOICES WILL GET WHAT THEY WANT. SO FRIENDS, WHO WILL GO SECOND LAST TONIGHT? EMF, WHO GOES SECOND [screaming] LAST? Who who who? [cheering] SHOW ME. [screaming] SHOW ME SOMEONE. WHO IS IT? YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. WHOEVER YOU'RE POINTING AT. YES. YOU. YOU. MY DARLING. YOU. [screaming] YES. NAME. >> WHAT? YOU DON'T KNOW. [ __ ] HELL. THIS WILL be a short turn. Right. You're genuine. You don't know your own name? >> No. Well, the medical tent's not far. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. RIGHT. I NEED SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THEIR OWN NAME. [ __ ] YES. THIS GUY. >> YES. >> ASH, bless your heart, brother. Bless your decaying millennial heart. And And did you finally become a Pokémon master, Ash? [cheering] No. And yet YOU'RE AT THE AGE WHERE POKING YOUR BALLS IS HEALTH. NO, FRED. THANK YOU. THERE WE GO. IT WAS A testicular cancer and Pokémon mashup. You don't see a lot of them except, of course, on archive OF OUR OWN. GREAT NOW. ASHIE DARREN, THAT'LL DO IT. ASHIE DARREN, ALL TOGETHER TEAM, YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM. PICK AN OPTION, MATE. >> THIS IS THE [ __ ] TUTORIAL. GO. >> WELCOME. Welcome to the shop. Here in the shop, we can exchange real life money for in-game items. [laughter] Do you have any money on you? Ashdar, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE? >> WOODEN MONEY. >> WHAT'S THAT? >> WOODEN. >> WOODEN MONEY. WOODEN MONEY. >> IT SAYS SPACE ON IT. >> IT SAYS SPACE ON IT. THAT'LL [ __ ] OH MY GOD, IT'S TIM CURRY. >> [cheering] >> I'M GOING TO OH, HANG ON. HANG ON. NO. >> Your face. >> I'm shining THE TORCH ON MY FACE. I know, [ __ ] That's how the show works. [cheering] >> You ever get director's COMMENTARY FROM SOMEONE WHO'S NOT INVOLVED IN the creative process in any [ __ ] way? It was amazing. Do Do you know you're shining the torch in your face? Yes. Yes, I do. I'd point it at my dick, but [ __ ] it. IT LOOK LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW. HANG ON. HANG ON. THANK YOU. TELL YOU WHAT, I'M GOING TO THE ONLY PLACE THAT HASN'T BEEN CORRUPTED BY CAPITALISM. >> SPACE. [cheering] DID DID WE GENUINELY JUST CENSOR COMMUNISM? >> [ __ ] ME. ARE WE ALREADY IN TRUMP'S AMERICA? RIGHT. HERE WE GO THEN. ASHY DARREN, YOU HAVE EXCHANGED MONEY. WHAT OBJECT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY? [laughter] >> WHAT? >> CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE PURCHASED A LARGE SPRING THAT SEEMS IMPORTANT, WORN [screaming] OUT FROM THE JOY OF COMMERCE, YOU SLEEP. AND WHEN SLEEP HAS ENDED, YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF. >> BUT NOW YOU'RE ON A SPRING. PICK AN OPTION. [screaming] >> WHY? >> BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT A SPRING, PRICK. THAT'S WHY. >> GO. >> Okie do. [ __ ] Has that been the problem? [laughter] [applause] HAS THAT BEEN THE ISSUE THE ENTIRE TIME? FINE. THIS IS YOU. OH, I'M IN A DARK ROOM. YOUR EYES [screaming] ARE OPEN. THE ROOM IS ACTUALLY DARK. GO >> OPEN YOUR MIND. >> HOW WILL YOU [screaming] OPEN YOUR MIND? [applause and cheering] >> [laughter] >> SMASH SKULL INTO WALL. FACED WITH ALL THOSE OTHER OPTIONS, YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE ONLY HEALTHY ONE. [laughter] [applause and cheering] YOUR HEAD THINKS IT CAN BREAK THE WALL. [screaming] THE WALL THINKS IT CAN BREAK YOUR HEAD. THE WALL IS RIGHT. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. CLAP YOUR HANDS FOR ASHU DOWN. [applause and cheering] YOU HAVE WON A GLIMPSE BOY. A GLIMPSE OF THIS CURSED PORTRAIT OF GREG WALLACE. [cheering] CORRECT. That was not in my bag when I arrived. [laughter] NOW, FRIENDS, IT'LL GO LIKE THIS. ONE MORE PLAYER, THEN WE ALL PLAY TOGETHER. AND TONIGHT, OUR FINAL PLAYER IS [cheering] [applause] >> LET US DO THE PROCESS. WHAT IS YOUR [screaming] NAME? >> MATT GRAY. >> CORRECT. [cheering] MATT GRAEME, you seem to be a genuinely loved person here. >> AND EVERY EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING CRIES OUT TO KNOW MORE, BUT I DON'T want to ruin the mystery. I WANT TO GENUINELY FEEL LIKE JOHN THE BAPTIST WONDERING WHO THE [ __ ] THAT GUY ON the cross was. That genuinely amazing. What did you do today in the field? Well, the laptop broke, but then a savior arrived. How did he look? WELL, NOT LIKE YOU'D EXPECT. IT WAS frankly an immaculately wet looking afro. So, MATT GRAY, A QUESTION. DO YOU HAVE A JOB, MATT? >> YES. >> WHAT IS IT, MATT? YOUTUBER. >> A [ __ ] [ __ ] [screaming] [applause and cheering] What's that? THE GENTLE SMELL OF MONETIZATION. OH, A YOUTUBER OUT [ __ ] STANDING. QUITE SUCCESSFUL. YEAH. YEAH. Pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. YOU'RE NOT THAT SUCCESSFUL. I DIDN'T have to pay anything to get you in my [ __ ] show, did I? Right. [cheering] [applause] >> Outstanding. >> Think of the reach. >> Think of the reach. OH, ABOUT 10 INCHES, BUDDY. FRIEND. >> OH, [screaming] NO. NO, NO. I CAN SEE THAT FROM HERE. AND THAT DOESN'T GET MUCH BIGGER, MATE. GENUINELY, the man's a YouTuber, but he got the penis of a kick streamer. No, IT'S SMALL AND IT DOESN'T WORK CORRECTLY. NO. [laughter] OH, RIGHT. WHAT'S THAT? WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON YOU? OH, A RACE TRANSPHOBIA. YOU'RE NOT ON KICK. NO. [cheering] [ __ ] YES. I NEED YOU TO KNOW, MATT. I'VE ONLY KNOWN THREE THINGS ABOUT YOU. ONE WAS YOUR NAME. TWO, the fact you were helping. And three, the fact I liked your shirt. and I was getting READY TO MENTION IT. THAT'S [ __ ] EXCELLENT. MATT GRAY, everybody erase transphobia on his [ __ ] shirt. [applause] Remember how I said monetization before? The depressing part about YouTube now is when this goes out on the footage, that'll get rid of the [ __ ] advertisers. Now, I will ALSO JUST SAY, MATT GRAY, OUTSTANDING. I'm very glad to have you. Can't wait for this footage of my show to be on your channel. Right. Don't you MAKE A REACTION VIDEO, YOU SWINE. NO. I MEAN, HE'S BEEN KIND OF DOING IT THE WHOLE TIME. IT'S IT'S JUST ME JUMPING AROUND AND THEN A MAN THERE GOING, "YEAH." [laughter] ALL RIGHT, MATT GRAY. SUCCESSFUL YOUTUBER MATT GRAY. HERE WE GO. YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM. BUT FIRST, I JUST WANT TO tell you that today's show has been sponsored by Casper Mattresses. THAT'S RIGHT. USE PROMO CODE MATT GRAY TO GET 20% OFF YOUR FORESKIN. NO. >> PICK AN OPTION, MATT GRAY. >> WHAT'S THAT? PLAY DIFFERENT GAME. [ __ ] YES. PICK AN OPTION, MATT GRAY. >> I LIKE COMPUTERS AND CAMPING. >> OUTSTANDING. [cheering] >> WHAT WILL YOU DO AT ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELDS FESTIVAL? DRINK CLUB MART. >> OUTSTANDING. [cheering] >> THAT IS NOT WHAT THAT SAYS. IT SAYS DRINK CLUB MATE. >> YOU DRINK, YOU SMACK YOURSELF IN THE FACE, YOU WAKE UP AND YOU'RE PREGNANT. IT'S BEEN A TERRIFIC EVENING. [laughter] YOU MAY HAVE. I ENJOY LIGHOUSES. My heart yearns for the sea, but my boughs churn on the ship, [laughter] and my gizzards quiver for the sweet bosom of land. I wish to be breastfed by prawns. HB Samson [ __ ] The dark lighthouse. Impoverished and of variable accent. You leave your family to seek your fortune on the sea. You reach a lighthouse which is at least near the sea. Your only duties are keeping the light and not contracting smallpox. But there is a ship coming and its name is the USS Smallox. It carries a cargo of Smallpox. You have three weeks. Oh. [laughter] Oh. Oh. Oh, it is I, a similar looking and sounding and yet different character. Oh. Oh, HP Samson Kunt, you've done it to yourself now. This my first day of keeping a lighthouse when I have no idea how to keep a lighthouse. Fortunately, I am insane >> and all of my choices are made for me by a successful YouTuber. [cheering] Oh. Oh, sweet advertiser money. Darren, what will we do? Soggy Bob. >> You have selected Soggy Bob. The time has come to speak with my appalling lighthouseeping companion, Soggy Bob. [laughter] Hello, Soggy Bob. Hello. [laughter] Oh, soggy Bob, with your wacky pranks, you know you only speak in the words soggy and Bob. >> Soggy Bob. >> Excellent. Excellent. Well, well, YouTube's own Matt Gray, [laughter] it saddens me that during this show you didn't get out your phone and follow me on anything, right? Oh, YouTube's own Matt Gray. What will we do with Soggy Bob now? Possibly on screen, guys. >> EXPLORE. >> EXPLORE. SOCK [cheering] NOW. NOW, NOW YOU'RE NOT DR. DISRESPECT. NOW, [laughter] YES. There we go. Bit of inside cricket, wasn't it? What? Too soon. That was the problem. Now, [laughter] will looks like it's time to explore Soggy Bob. Don't worry. I I presume that YouTube's own Matt Gray just means explore you emotionally. >> What have I found in Soggy Bob? WET THINGS. YES, [screaming] I AM BALLS DEEP IN SOGGY BOB. [cheering] AND I HAVE FOUND WET THINGS. YOU TINY FOOL. [screaming] SOGGY BOB'S WET THINGS HAD SMALL POX. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. CLAP YOUR HANDS FOR THE PAIR OF THEM. [applause] PRIZES. SUCH PRIZES. SUCKY BOB, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE WON MATT GAY'S UNDRUNKEN COKE. [cheering] >> FOR GOD'S SAKE, BOY, WHEN THE SHOW IS OVER, SPIT IN THOSE AND GIVE them some resale value. [laughter] AND YOU, MATT GRAY, do you like Star Trek: The Next Generation? >> Maybe a little bit. >> Maybe a little bit. Ooh. Here is a DVD of the episode The Host from season 3. [cheering] >> [applause] >> HEY MATT GRAY, DO YOU LIKE STAR TREK the Next Generation? >> Here is a copy of the episode The Host from season 3. >> Hey Matt, great. DO YOU LIKE STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION? YOU TIMES ARROW PART TWO FROM SEASON 5. [cheering] [applause] >> Hey Matt Gray. YEAH. >> DO YOU LIKE HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY? [laughter] >> Not really. Well, I'll keep my family videos with me. RIGHT NOW THEN, MATT GRAY, YOU CAN JUST STAY. FINE WITH ME. RIGHT, FOLKS. AT THIS TIME, IT'S TIME FOR DEMOCRACY. ON THE COUNT OF THREE, EVERYONE WILL SAY, "WE AWAKE TO [screaming] FIND OURSELVES." [cheering] >> BEAUTIFUL. THEN CALL OUT THE OPTION THAT YOU WANT. THE WINNER IS THE ONE WITH THE LOUDEST AND THE MOST. HERE WE GO. ONE, TWO, THREE. WE ARE WEAK. [cheering] >> What do you [screaming] want? [cheering] >> [cheering] >> YOU PROCEED IN THE DIRECTION YOU BELIEVE TO BE NORTH. HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? YOU'RE IN A [screaming] DARK ROOM. GO. [cheering] YOU HAVE SELECTED USE POWERUP. WHAT POWER UP WILL YOU USE? [cheering] YOU HAVE SELECTED REMAKE FINAL FANTASY 7. FINE WITH ME. [music] YOU HAVE LEVELED UP, WHICH MEANS YOU ARE [screaming] WAIT TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM, [cheering] BUT YOU ARE SLIGHTLY OLDER. GO. [screaming] [cheering] HOW WILL YOU FIND THE LIGHT SWITCH? YOU'RE IN A DARK ROOM. YOU NEED A LIGHT SWITCH TO SEE. DO YOU SEE >> [ __ ] YOU SEE, YOU'RE IN A [screaming] DARK ROOM. GO. [cheering] YOU ARE SELECTED BY ALARMING CONSENSUS. LICK WALL. [screaming] ALL RIGHT, FRIENDS. THIS IS YOU. SH. OH, [screaming] I'M IN A DARK ROOM. FINALLY. [laughter] >> [laughter] [cheering] >> YOU LICK THE WALL AND CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE FOUND SOMETHING. OH, [screaming] THERE'S A HOLE IN THE WALL, BUT THERE IS NO GLORY WITHIN IT. ONLY NAKED ELECTRICAL WIRING. [screaming] IT SHORT CIRCUITS. IT FRIES YOUR FACE OFF. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. YOU DIE. LET'S GET THOSE LIGHTS UP, PLEASE. [screaming] [cheering and applause] [music] [cheering] [applause] [cheering] [music] >> [music] [applause] >> FOLKS. YOU HAVE BEEN A [ __ ] AWESOME CROWD TO PLAY WITH TONIGHT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELDS FESTIVAL. I WILL JUST POINT OUT NOT EVERY CROWD IS TALLER ENOUGH TO SIT THROUGH 30 MINUTES OF A TECH [ __ ] FOLLOWED BY THE SHOW RUNNING THE CORRECT AMOUNT OF TIME AFTERWARDS. I'M JUST SAYING YOU WERE HERE FOR AN HOUR OF SHAMBOLIC ENTERTAINMENT. YOU GOT 45 MINUTES OF SHAMBOLIC ENTERTAINMENT AND 45 MINUTES OF A TECH TUTORIAL. [cheering] >> [applause] >> I WILL ALSO JUST SAY, CAN WE PLEASE have a very [ __ ] large round of applause? Not just for the technicians, but everyone who tried to [ __ ] come and help, please. Thank you, Sam. Sure. [applause] I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. >> [applause] >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Bof gang. >> Oh, thank you. Thank you friends. IN A MOMENT, THE FLAMBOYANT POTATO WILL BE GIVEN OUT TO THE audience member I feel made the finest contribution to the show. FRANKLY, TONIGHT THAT'S GOING TO BE a [ __ ] closely run race. You people, I WILL JUST SAY BEFORE WE DO ANYTHING ELSE, it would be my pleasure if I could get a quick video with you at the end of the show. So, IF YOU'D BE SO GOOD, MY GOD, THE SHOW'S JUST ENDED AND [ __ ] WE HAD A NICE TIME. BIT OF NOISE ON YOU AND GO. [screaming] >> [cheering] [cheering] >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS. THERE'S ALL MY SOCIAL MEDIA DETAILS. THE DARK ROOM REMAINS ON TOUR. WE GOT THE EDINBURGH FRINGE COMING UP GOING TO NEW YORK. WE'VE GOT all sorts of places. [ __ ] come see me again sometime when WE'VE SOLVED WHATEVER THE [ __ ] happened this evening. [cheering] Also, just so you know, uh boop, as it turns out, it was still plugged in. So, all right. You ready? Okay. Here we go. And three. This will be the moment this takes out someone's [ __ ] eye. Here we go. And Oh. [screaming] YAY. [applause and cheering] [applause] FRIENDS. Tell you what, also not going to lie, I probably need this more than you do. Not the flamboyant potato. I'm genuinely enjoying this amount of attention. Um, by show of hands, before I hand this out, are there any questions? >> HANG ON. JUST JUST POP YOUR HAND UP AND I'LL GLADLY ANSWER. WHATEVER. Just pop your hand up. Yes, sir. >> You're in a dark room. >> Yes. >> What do I want to do next? Well, I thank your mother for her time. Now, [cheering] Yes, friend. >> WOULD I CONSIDER ADDING KEYBOARD CONTROLS TO your I will punch you in the querty. No. Thank you very MUCH THOUGH. I MEAN, TELL YOU WHAT, I WOULD I WOULD ADD KEYBOARD CONTROLS, BUT FRANKLY, THAT WAS a fantastic half hour. [cheering] >> YES, SIR. IN THE CAP. IN THE CAP. YES. Mad Gray coming on tour with you. >> HEY, MAD GRAY. >> OH. OH, MATT GRAY. >> WELL, you I don't know. You want to Where do you live? Oh, no. Don't dox yourself. I've just realized. Sorry. You live on the internet and nowhere else. Um, I'll slide into your DMs. Good luck to you. Now, we'll see him around. OKAY. ANYONE ELSE GOT A QUESTION? WHACK YOUR HAND UP. YES. I didn't do a philosophy degree. [laughter] I did performance. The fact you can't tell really upsets me. Now, is there anyone else WITH THEIR HAND UP? YES. >> WHAT IS THE ASV? >> I don't do I don't do other comedians material. Sorry. All right. Anyone else? Yes. >> How? I mean, YOU JUST DID IT. You popped up your hand. Did I answer the question? Outstanding. Yes. >> What? [laughter] You put your [ __ ] hand up. What? THAT WAS LITERALLY THE RUDEST INTERACTION with no context I've ever had. MAN, WHAT? YOU'RE TALKING TO ME? I DON'T SEE ANYONE ELSE HERE. YES, I DO. Thank [ __ ] Right. Yes. >> You realize you got a room full of your email address? >> Yes. >> Yep. That's That's fine. Book me for your private parties. [cheering] You'd be amazed how affordable I am. You wouldn't be amazed at all. Right. >> Yes. >> Which venue has been blacked out? >> Oh, the venue that's been blacked out, the festival that seconds before the show I remembered I'm not going to. [laughter] That better not still be on the website. >> Oh [ __ ] >> Yes. Will you ever UPDATE YOUR LAPTOP? >> I DID. [laughter] It was 5 years ago and it's worked until now. >> Yes. It's you. It's you. Yes. >> You also go to space to escape capitalism. >> Would I go to space to escape capitalism? Um I'm I'm horrified to tell you that if you go to space, there's a very real chance Jeff Bezos is waiting. when I'll tell you who should be there. Elon Musk >> just there going, "There's less oxygen than I thought." >> Not bad. [cheering] [applause] >> Yes. >> When are you going to buy a MacBook? >> When are I GOING TO BUY A MACBOOK? The second this program works on it. And this is homebrew software, which I assure you has worked at so many shows. And why the [ __ ] not today? [laughter] >> Yes, >> you tried turning it off and on again. [cheering] >> I love the fact the audience genuinely like we've heard that one. >> We'll do. Yes. >> What is the best pathway to being a freak on a stage with a corset? >> The best pathway to being a freak on a stage in a corset. Let me tell you something. It goes a little something like this. Go do a bit of performance studies at uni. Never be any good at it. Do a bit of stand up. Never be any good at it. Keep going for 10 years till you get halfway good. Look at the internet one day and stop being ashamed of what you like. Put on the outfit that you like. Start going out to fetish clubs and enjoying yourself consensually with other [ __ ] adults. AND THEN MONETIZE THAT [ __ ] [cheering] [applause] And I KNOW THERE MIGHT BE SOME OTHER QUESTIONS, BUT OH. OH, YES. OH, you're you're a you're a person. Yes. Hello. Did you have your hand up? Yeah, mate. Okay. Yes. Your question. When? [cheering] >> That'll do. I love the fact this is just descended to a series of people screaming riddles at me. Oh, [ __ ] it. There. Another hand. Yes. >> Yeah. Shut up. [sighs] >> Look. Oh, [ __ ] it. WHY NOT? LET ME TELL YOU A STORY. [cheering] >> [applause] >> This isn't why I'm not going to deer shed festival. This is just what happened the last time I did it. You think this was chaos? This is what happened. They went, "John, we want to book the dark room and we're going to put you up against a band called Young Fathers. They've just been named NM's best live act in the country." So, I walked to my tent. My tent was empty. Then they went, "Don't worry, you won't be performing right now because the headliner of the festival, Bridget Christy, has food poisoning. You can have her slot." So, a crowd of people arrived expecting [laughter] the fantastic, incredibly accomplished feminist comedian Bridget Christie. And the dark room began. and I came on stage and I thought it would be a really good opportunity to do a really old joke. So I went, I know what YOU'RE THINKING. MY GOD, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO BRIDGET CHRISTIE? And a man at THE BACK JUST YELLED, "SHE'S VERY ILL." And the show never improved from there. So tonight was A WALK IN THE [ __ ] PARK. surprisingly large number of landmines in the park. But nevertheless, folks, as I say, it's been a joy to be with you. Is the bar open? >> When this is going down in the crowd, that's where I'll [ __ ] be. And I hope to see some of you there. Friends, [cheering] THE FLAMBOYANT POTATO MUST GO OUT AT THIS TIME. AND ON THIS OCCASION, WHERE IS THE MAN who brought THE CONTROLLER? >> NO. NO. THE MAN WHO BROUGHT THE CONTROLLER, MATT GRAY, CAN AFFORD HIS OWN [ __ ] FRUIT ON HIS YOUTUBE MONEY. SIR, [screaming] YOU HAVE WON A FLAMBOYANT POTATO. [cheering] [applause] [cheering] [applause] YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT JOY. I'M JOHN ROBERTSON. GOOD NIGHT. GOODBYE. [cheering] >> If [music] you are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become? My sweetest [music] friend. Everyone I know goes away in the air. [music] And you could have it all. [music] My empire of dirt. [music] I will let you down. [music] I will make you burn. If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep [music] myself. I would find a way.