Jay Shetty: The 3 Simple Things A Happy Life Needs | E119

this is a really difficult question to ask but it is the best question you can ask yourself i don't need to tell you who he is because his reputation precedes himself i enjoyed being a monk as much as i enjoy understanding media and that's really paradoxical for a lot of people but that's just my truth i've always wanted to share meditation at scale with the world if you just keep trying to change your environment hoping that your life's going to improve you're going to feel dissatisfied at the next place and i feel we're just conditioned to say okay you don't like your job quit your job you don't like your relationship quit your relationship and i think we just keep saying that it's this external shell that we're in when it's actually this shell and what's happening inside of it that's defining all of these perspectives i believe that to create happiness day to day in one year in one month in a week you have to have quick one can you do me a favor if you're listening to this and hit the subscribe button the follow button wherever you're listening to this podcast thank you so much jay shetty is a household name all around the world he is someone that's provided inspiration wisdom and insight to billions of people using social media i don't need to tell you who he is because his reputation precedes himself in his early years he was lost becoming a monk helped him to find himself and through service he's gone on to touch the lives of billions of people through social media but who is he really who's the guy behind the following me and jay have a connection that i'm yet to experience with pretty much any guest that sat here with me and i know you're gonna feel that today this is a truly special honest open conversation between two men about so many things that i genuinely think the world needs to hear thank you jay and when i say thank you to jay you're going to understand why shortly so without further ado i'm stephen bartlett and this is the director ceo i hope nobody's listening but if you are then please keep this to yourself [Music] jay first of all you know i usually start this podcast in a much more serious way but it's good to see you back in the uk mate it's good to see you and i was just saying this to you offline that i think the first time we met was around three years ago three or four years ago in new york and i think we have this plan to become best friends we're like we're going to see each other this this is this and then all of a sudden i moved to l.a yeah and then you moved back to london too yeah it's so good to see you man no it's great to be reunited i do feel like we've got so much in common in so many unbelievable ways but the reason why i was so excited by this conversation is because we've also got so many we've walked a different path in our lives um and you're such an uh a self-aware sort of self-analytical human being so the wisdom that i've gained from watching you online over the years is someone that comes from london is from the uk as well and is speaking to the world through their content and channels i find i found truly inspirational so let's get into it so one of the things i always start with with people and i think this comes from my experience with like studying childhood psychology is trying to understand what it was in their early years that that has led them to go on the path they went on and ultimately to be sat here when you look back at those early years in your life in growing up in london um what were the formative things that you point at in hindsight and go do you know i wouldn't be who i am now a bit of an anomaly if that hadn't happened i think one of the biggest things would be that i felt i mediated my parents marriage when i was younger and so i was their go-to person for my mom and my dad and i have a really good relationship with both of them and loved them both and they would come to me with their challenges and their issues and their pain points and as i was growing up i felt that i was always trying to reconcile discuss converse negotiate for both of them on either side and one thing i realized very early on as a young child was i never wanted to take a side i never wanted to make one of them win and one of them lose i never saw one of them right and one of them wrong i really saw them both as two humans who were trying their best but just like me were naturally flawed and fallible and made mistakes and i think that gave me a sense of compassion that runs through to today for myself and for others and for people that i work with and the people that we communicate through the podcast and videos because i just saw very early on in my life that people could mean well people could try their best people could try to be loving and share kindness but they could still feel that things weren't working out for them so i look at that as a massive moment in my past because now when i look back at it i think i've i've just been doing this for so long like i feel like i started doing this when i was probably six seven maybe ten years old and so now to be still doing it today it feels like something that was a natural role that i embodied at that time and it's now a role that has evolved into looking internally for myself also looking at the things that i adopted from that time that were uncomfortable and things that made me question my own self-worth and my own meaning of life what were those things i would say that for me i realized that we either try to repeat or avoid what we saw in our childhood and that happens either unconsciously or consciously so you could be unconsciously repeating what you saw in your childhood or you could be consciously avoiding it and i found that there were parts of me that were really great at avoiding some of the negative things but there were also subconscious parts of me that adopted some of those behavior traits that i only discovered in the last two years and so i'll give you an example with my wife i sometimes played the role of sacrificing and over giving but then expecting her to give the same amount back now the way i see sacrifice now is that if you sacrifice something for someone and then you want it back it's not a sacrifice it's a transaction you can't give someone a discount and then ask them to pay full price and then say it was a sacrifice because it wasn't it was a transaction and i saw that in my life because of the way i'd received loved from extended families or love from school or teachers or whatever it may have been i was loved in that way where i was loved but then made to feel guilty if i didn't repay it in full and i saw myself adopting that in my own loving relationships with my wife with my family with my sister and i literally only spotted that two years ago wow and i thought to myself this has to stop i can't repeat this cycle what is the work you do to spot those to illuminate some of those kind of subconscious behavior patterns that because we all have them going on in the back room of our lives and our minds we have our childhood the lessons we learn and the limiting beliefs we learn almost acting as the puppet master of our adult lives and so how does one become get to a point where they can spot that and go do you know what that comes from that what is there an exercise you've done is that you know tell me i think the first thing is that when you experience conflict with someone or you experience a disagreement or a disconnect with someone our society version is blame them it's their fault they upset you they're wrong and our friends will agree with that when you go and tell your friend that so and so did something they'll say oh yeah well you know he or she is a xyz xyz sorry uh xyz the the the american spelling to his time in america uh the the xyz of their so and so they're like this they're like that and actually in that moment i think the best thing we can do is what's my accountability in this what part of this have i created for myself this is a really uncomfortable difficult question to ask but it is the best question you can ask yourself if every time something goes wrong or something doesn't work out instead of blaming someone else or blaming yourself if you can pause and say what part of this am i responsible for and i think the reason why that's difficult is because we see everything as binary we see it as it's either their fault or it's all my fault it's all your fault or it's all my fault and the truth is there is no all it's all parts it's partly your fault and it's partly my fault but if i don't understand what my part to play is then i can't actually understand it so the first step is what's my part that's the first part of the exercise the second part of the exercise is now that i know what my part is let me focus on what skill i'm missing let me focus on what growth i haven't had let me focus on what part of my life feels incomplete that makes me act in my incomplete way with others so what part of me is missing and i found that when i was over sacrificing or over giving that's because i was trying to demand love from someone else and demand validation from someone else so i was almost trying to achieve or earn that love and validation and so i realized i wasn't giving it to myself and so now i've realized that whatever you want from someone else give it to yourself first if you want compliments from someone else give them to yourself first if you want validation from someone else give it to yourself first because no matter how many of them they give you if you never gave it to yourself in the first place it will never be enough so that's the second step whatever you want from someone else give it to yourself first and the third step i'd say to get to that self-awareness is simply sitting down and plotting the three most difficult times in your life so sit down and write down what have been the three most difficult times in my life for the most painful decision making points of transition in my life and then ask yourself when you made good decisions what was the environment like who were you listening to what were people saying around you and when you made poor decisions what was the environment like what were people saying who were you listening to and you'll start to spot a pattern and i found that in my life anytime i make a good decision most people disagree with me i have to listen to my inner voice and i'm usually doing something against the grain now that's my pattern but everyone has to find their own you've reached a point of self-awareness where you can literally pinpoint the steps of doing that and obviously your coaching and all the work you do has um has exacerbated that extremely is there like a practical day-to-day habit you've installed in your life to be able to look back at how jay's behaving on like is it a notepad is it voice notes in your phone is it meditation what is the the day-to-day practice that's got you to this point so i would say that over time i've done journaling i love voice notes because i like speaking sometimes more than writing but i'd say the biggest one if i'm completely honest with you stephen like sitting here with you and you're looking in my eyes asking me that question i'm like the honest answer is i talk to myself a lot while driving i talk out loud to myself a lot and i will sit there while i'm driving and i will talk through that day about a situation where i didn't like how i behaved or a situation where i was really happy about how i behaved and so i'll pinpoint and i always think it's really powerful to pinpoint a point where you were below your expectation and a point where you were above your expectation and i'll sit there and ask myself why was it that i was above my expectation why did i have the ability in that moment to act in that way i'll give an example of where i was below my expectation the other day i was going to play tennis with a friend in the morning and i was running late because i woke up i was figuring things out that morning i had a few work emails from the night before i'm eight hours ahead of la right now so i had things to catch up on i'm running late to play tennis we've got the court booked and it's only booked for an hour so we might be late something really insignificant by the way i turn up and i meet the lady at the front and they haven't been able to give me a membership card because i'm only here for 10 days and then i'm like here's my membership number and and they can't figure it out and they don't know if i'm in the system and now we're getting later for the court and i'm holding my own and i'm on the verge of just being like get on with it like can't we this is not that complicated and i resist from that but in my head i'm thinking why did that even happen like why am i even feeling the urge to put a simple person trying to do their job why am i thinking to release my anger and anguish onto them and when i thought about that later that day it was all because i was late i was frustrated that my friend's gonna be upset that we're 30 minutes late for the court i was upset that we're going to get even less time and i was about to take it out on an innocent person who actually has nothing to do with any of it who's trying to do their job and so for me talking out loud when i'm on my own spending time actually now when i'm answering a question spending time alone is the only place where you get to have these conversations and most of us are spending time away from being alone because we're scared of having these conversations i'm sure you've seen they did that study where they asked men and women whether they either wanted to be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes or give themselves an electric shock now the results will surprise you 30 percent of women gave themselves an electric shock and 60 of men gave themselves an electric shark and the reason was because they didn't want to be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes we struggle so much with the idea of being present in our own minds and bodies and hearts that we distract ourselves so really the habit is being present with myself with my thoughts and working through when i'm happy with myself and when i think i could have done better you know i really can relate to that point about um not wanting to be alone with with your thoughts not from my own experiences but because i've got friends around me specifically over the last year when we've been in this lockdown who have really struggled and even over the christmas period i've got a couple of friends who really really struggle because they are alone with their thoughts and you've spoken there to the value of sitting alone with your thoughts and silence and self-contemplation but what is it in the human in a human that makes them not want to be alone with their thoughts why for some are their thoughts so such an unpleasant place to be i think it's because we've equated loneliness and being alone with abandonment and those are two completely different ideas you can be lonely but that doesn't mean you've been abandoned and we confuse this so much paul tillich writes about this and he says that the challenge today is that we think that there's only one word for being alone and we call it loneliness and he says we've forgotten about a second word it's called solitude solitude and loneliness externally look the same but they're completely different things and he says that solitude is the strength of being alone and loneliness is the weakness and to me it's because being alone feels like abandonment it feels like everyone has left us it feels like we're alone at the end of the party and no one's gonna stay we've created a feeling of being enamored and being forced to admire being together my other half my better half the person who completes me it's like all of this language is phrased in a way to make you feel half and incomplete when someone came to school and they didn't have someone to sit next to them that person was considered the loner if you had a birthday party and no one showed up you were considered unpopular all of our self-worth since we were young has been defined by do you have people around you not the quality of those people not the depth of those people not how much those people actually love you just did you have people around you and so we've just been conditioned to believe that being alone means being lonely means being abandoned when actually being in solitude could be the most beautiful thing we could do so it's just as a society we've got to unlearn that conditioning that's made us forcefully believe that if you don't have someone else if you turn up to a wedding and you don't have a plus one yeah that's like one of the most stressful things for people i don't know who i'm gonna take why is it that prom if you don't have a date every single major life event graduating weddings they're all based around having someone else there to celebrate you why like why why why can't we just celebrate ourselves and i think that's where we've lost it we've lost the idea of celebrating ourselves do you think that i was just thinking that thinking that through and i was thinking you know if 10 000 years ago on the in the tribes of africa if i was without if i was without a tribe i would have been um from a reproductive standpoint less attractive no woman would want to have been with me because a tribe speaks to the resources i can provide in bringing up a you know a baby for our family but also you know i would have been in great danger my social status would have decayed and typically they see this in tribes i think in monkeys where if you if you fall out of the tribe eventually you get sick or die um so do you think that's a prehistoric part of our conditioning or is it like a social new age social um construct i think prehistorically it makes sense but i think the social construct has been that equating solitude or loneliness with isolation seclusion and separation and i think we confused the two ideas spending time every day in solitude is not me saying to you don't talk to anyone all year you're not good enough right yeah and it's not like me saying spending some time talking to yourself and being alone with your thoughts means never go to a party or an event like i think i just think we've got really poor as humans as entertaining two ideas that are supposedly conflicting but recognizing that there's a middle ground like we're poor at saying okay well jay and steven aren't saying be alone or be surrounded by people we're saying spend some time alone and be intentional about who you spend your time with and for some reason the human mind goes no no i think you're telling me that i have to go live in a forest and be away from everyone but that's not really what solitude is solitude is i am comfortable spending time with myself for a few moments a day enjoying my own company and speaking of spending time with people then so one of the concepts you write a lot about is this kind of 75 rule um people often discuss the importance of the company you keep whether it's their wisdom their attitude their positivity their optimism whatever and the effect that can have on you as a human being what have you done in your life and also what is the importance from what you've experienced of surrounding yourself with people that have good values that are equally ambitious that share a sort of similarities as it relates to who you want to become is it important does it matter i i think one of the biggest mistakes i've made and i think we make as humans is we often look for divinity in humanity you're looking for that divine person that has all the answers and that is infallible and perfect and when you seek divinity in humanity you're left with insecurity and anxiety because no one fulfills that divine search and so for me what i really had to understand is i went down that road and felt like i was let down and felt like people made me feel unworthy or unequipped was i recognized that there were four pillars of relationships and they are care competence consistency and character every single person in your life is going to be able to give you or should be able to give you at least one of these four characteristics very rarely if ever will one person give you all four and if you're lucky you might have a few people in your life that give you two or three so let's talk about each of them care my mom there is no one in the world who cares for me more than my mom she would do anything for me she'd be there for me all she wants to make sure it doesn't matter what i've achieved or what i've done if she picks up the phone to me her first question is have you eaten what did you eat uh are you safe are you healthy right like that's all she cares about now my mom isn't the person that i go to for business advice or she's not the person i'm saying hypothetically that i go to for social media advice that's not her competence but she doesn't need to be she cares for me and that's what i get from her now let's go to competence if i'm thinking about starting a business new dragon over here right like you'd be a great friend to call up you're someone who understands what it takes to get investors scale a business build teams manage internationally grow scale sell like you have that journey and you have that network you have that career i'd also care about you i know you also care about me so i've got two out of four in you and you've got good character you don't have the consistency though because we don't see each other enough so so three out of four 35 yeah 75 percent and so for that for me is that perfect example of there's competence there and there is care there which is wonderful and there's character there i believe you're someone of good character and that's the next one character there are some people in our life that hold us to higher values they help us grow with greater integrity they help us see things beyond what we're chasing they make us look beyond our desires and make us recognize that there's so much more to life and those people are massively important and those people may not be the people we see every week they may not be the people we see every day they may not be the people that we call up but you need them as your compass the people with character are your compass and then finally you have the people that are consistent you have some mates that you just know are always going to pick up the phone you know that if you need to move house you've got a family emergency you know which friend you call they may not be the competent business advisor they may care about you but they don't care about you as deeply as your mom does but they are consistently always there for you and that's beautiful but the problem is when we look at our consistent friend we think why are you not competent we look at our competent friend we think why don't you have good character we look at our character friend and say well why aren't you always there and so we're always looking for which c they don't have rather than appreciating for them for exactly what they bring to our life you know i met your wonderful wife yeah you did yeah yeah honestly in a room full of hundreds and hundreds of people if there was a light like if she felt like a physical like a light in the room just her energy was just unbelievable and it's it's remarkable because she she felt so much like you in so many ways i'm guessing when you're talking about that third point about character and values and showing you things in life that are beyond what you might have thought in the meaning of life i'm i'm you know from my own 10-minute you know conversation with her i feel like she must be in that category right yeah right i always used to say to people like so people become friends with me and i hope they like me and then i introduce them to my wife and then i never hear from them again so she steals all my friends and i'm i'm not even just saying that like that's genuinely true she has stolen every single one of my friends as soon as they meet not surprised i can't but yeah she's just i don't know how and it's it's been interesting because my wife has taught me so much more about me and life than i ever thought a partner could and it's because as my so my wife and i've been together since before my external career took off and so she was with me when i had no money no job she introduced me to her family when i had no money no job i met her parents i met her extended family i had no career plan so i've been with her for around eight years now and far far before everything kind of took off externally and what was really really phenomenal was as my life took off externally i started to develop this need for validation from her for what i was achieving so if i'd get a big deal i'd be like look what i did like look what i did like isn't this amazing and she wouldn't be impressed by it and then if i did something and it went viral i'd be oh look at this look at this like look how cool this is like isn't this amazing and she wasn't impressed by it and then if i was on the front cover or magazine or something i'd be like oh look how cool this is like look look at this and she wouldn't admire it and for a long time i started to think did i marry the wrong person and i was thinking to myself did i am i with the wrong person because i know plenty of people who are telling me that that cover's amazing and that video is amazing and that podcast is amazing and that person's amazing like am i like am i not worthy of respect and i realized as i and i reflected on that as i said earlier i was like what part of this am i accountable for and the answer was really simple my life my wife loved me for everything that came before that she loves me despite all of that if all of that was to go away tomorrow she'd still love me and i was like isn't that the most beautiful thing like isn't that what we all want isn't that what we're truly craving is that we are loved beyond our appearance our achievements our ambitions and our goals and i had that but i wasn't seeing that because i wanted to be loved for my ambitions my achievements my goals and so yes when you talk about my wife being a light she's one of those people for sure because she's been my guide my coach my teacher without even knowing if you asked her this question she she wouldn't say that she was doing it intentionally but she's been such a great teacher in light in my life in so many ways and so i'm always just trying to anytime she annoys me i'm like there's a lesson in this for me and and there's going to be something really profound in this for me because she's she's she's cut from a different class she's she's remarkable i don't even know how she's like her parents her parents are incredible and you know they've they've given her a lot of love and so i see that kind of flow through her it's so funny i burst out laughing then because it reminds me a lot of my girlfriend and i i've said this on this podcast a lot and it's i've never actually realized the kind of fundamental truth in um what you said there but whenever i talk about my girlfriend i say she doesn't really care when i if i'm number one in the charts or if i'm number one here or that the reaction i get from her versus other people like my boys is kind of a bit more mute yeah i think maybe she just doesn't care about my you know my like prefer but you've what you've highlighted there is in fact that is somebody that values something else yes in you so my girlfriend would be very very happy and very very impressed with me doing a bunch of other things that would maybe a bit more pure in their values she would celebrate those things it's not like she's not celebrating me it's just i don't get the euphoria from the like number one in the podcast chart yes and it's a question of values and in fact as you say that's what we should all be looking for yes but society has taught me that you clap when you get big numbers on stuff or you go number one or the bank balance is big yeah so that's so interesting it's probably i guess someone's going to draw the conclusion from that they're going to look at their partner who's been clapping because they've got like a promotion at work and they're going to go you've got bad values and not at all we should we should we should be supportive partners about everything that our partners do but it is beautiful that you get an opportunity to learn about your partner's values by what they value in your own success and that doesn't mean that like you just said like your girlfriend or my wife is not happy when something goes number one or does great of course they're happy but there's something deeper than that that makes them happier yeah exactly and i think that's really special and that's that character in that light do you want to drink yes please what is this i know what huel is but i didn't i've never had this before is this vegan yes oh amazing all right yeah i'll try this vegan gluten-free it's like a yeah all your nutritionally complicatedness this this tastes so good you like it yeah it's rich it's really good for you it really is good for you and when i say when i say that how much sugar does it have in it i don't believe it has sugar i think it has sucrose or whatever the replacement is it's too good to feel healthy well you know they could have made it taste like nesquik and they i've been in the boardroom with them and they just refuse they refuse to compromise on the the goodness call all right whenever you're ready when i was reading through your story and from what i've observed with your story there was um some really interesting similarities that really reminded me of mine but um i feel like are an exception and it's it's you and you know what you said it before we started talking you said um we were talking about various business things and business decisions you've made and also you we were talking about you moving to l.a after just going there with your wife for a week and you said well it just felt like the right thing to do we were there for one week and it felt like the right thing to do so although you were leaving new york where you had all of this stuff and you were starting to build um your presence there you used your your compass became how you felt and when i looked through your your history from your very very early days from a teenager to school to university to going off and becoming a monk to getting a job at accenture then pick getting picked up by ariana huffington at huffington post and quitting after six months because you're doing this other thing you are a remarkable quitter and you seem to be one that's guided by this compass of how does this feel not what will people think talk to me about that and is that observation accurate it's such a hard way to live in one sense and such an easy way to live in one step that observation i i never put it in those words but i love those words and i've heard you talk about that before about being a good quitter and i love that i i i think what you're saying is true i i agree with you i've never articulated in the way you just did but it feels so true i from a very young age just felt there was this strong inner voice and i believe everyone has it this isn't me being religious or spiritual or woo-woo this is me saying that there is a voice that we all hear in our minds in our hearts in our heads wherever you want to say it is it's there and the challenge that happens is in our early years you're told to tell it to be quiet so every time that voice says well maybe no no no no just just do what they're saying do what they're told get on that conveyor belt get on that assembly line stick that bar code on your back become a machine go be a robot and and it's almost programmed and so that voice that is not machine like that voice is the human inside of us is being trained to be a machine and so we start treating ourselves like machines and machines you just program them and then press enter and then it gives you what it wants but we don't function that way we're a conversation in the universe we're not a program and so if you're a conversation and you're an interaction you're dynamic that inner voice becomes so squashed that now by the time we're 20 30 40 50 60 70 whatever age you are you can't hear it anymore so you say oh that's some spiritual mumbo-jumbo stuff because i don't hear that voice but that's just because we quietened it so for me even till this day and by the way i have more things trying to quiet that voice today i had a conversation with my team recently i was talking about a few new things i wanted to try out this year and a lot of people said to me they said jay don't you think that's a risk to the brand you've created don't you think that's a risk to who you are and i said well i haven't worked this hard to not do what i truly want like i haven't got this far by being someone else i've got this far by being true to myself so i can only continue to do that and so yes there are things that i do that are slightly unconventional for people who've been monks in the past there are certain ways that i live my life and there are certain things that i enjoy and i always say this i enjoy being a monk as much as i enjoy understanding media and that's really paradoxical for a lot of people but that's just my truth i enjoy building a business and learning about what it takes as much as i learned trying to understand how to meditate deeper and go internal i under i enjoy and appreciate what i gain from all these pursuits and i see them as being this beautiful you know beautiful symbiotic synergetic combination of learning and life and experience but the problem is our mind has said no those things are paradoxical that's an oxymoron you can't connect those two things those two things are unconnectable and i'm like well steve jobs said that creativity is connecting things and connected thinkers will rule the future so if we can't spot connections in anomalies then i think we actually sell ourselves short and so when you say being a remarkable quitter i see that as me saying i only have trained myself to know that i can only do what i really feel like doing with the awareness that this could be a risk but i'm okay with that does that answer your question yeah and you know you you brought up another point now which i think is is equally this sounds a bit like a pun but equally connected which is you know society will give you a label they'll say okay you're a monk so act like and behave like a monk we know what monks are here's the instruction manual of being a monk and if you do anything other than the instruction manual there then they'll say contradiction yeah they'll say you're a monk how do you live in laj yes you have a you have a nice home you make money and then and so what is what is it about these labels that we give people and then we society then tries to enforce and if you step outside of the implicit instructions of the box that we've labeled you in we go fraud yeah yeah what is that there's a really good meme on social media that i've seen fly about for years and it says society says be yourself and then it says no not like that and i don't know who invented it but it's been out there in in the meme world for years and i love it because i'm like that's exactly it and i the way you just explained what you said i've actually never heard it said better than that so you've just explained in 30 seconds i've been trying to round about for the past three minutes uh but but that's exactly it that we want to label people we want to label things we want to label everyone now let's take the rock dwayne the rock johnson we lay we could label him a wrestler but that wrestler is one of the biggest actors in the world today and forget actors he's a brand beyond that now if we labeled him as a wrestler and said no no you just have to stay a wrestler you never get to see this if you look at steve jobs well you started by making computers you're a computer maker so just make computers why are you inventing itunes why are you inventing the phone now i think it gets harder when it gets to things that are spiritually intertwined and i grew up with a belief for a long time that if you were truly spiritual you had to be poor you had to have nothing you had to be completely detached and disconnected and i found that that's a worthy pursuit and has some beautiful rewards at the end of it as a journey but i also saw having lived that life as a monk that there were certain areas of impact certain conversations that we never got to be a part of there were certain things in mainstream society that we never got to shift and that's something that called out to my heart personally where i felt well what if mental health was mainstream that that was a mainstream conversation that everyone in the world had access to the tools to help themselves for free through podcasting through interviews through books through videos through content what if everyone in the world had access to what i have access to as a monk but what does that need that needs staff it needs employees it needs eight cameras it needs a microphone it needs people it needs teams it needs a business so what looks like a business on the outside is just purpose on the inside but we're so schooled and trained to judge things for what they externally look like not what they internally are that we don't give ourselves that expansive abundant mindset to say well maybe this could be more now i'm not saying that i don't have imperfections and i'm not saying that i don't love things as well like i i like nice things i like nice clothes i like fashion i like uh i like living in a nice space so i like i like nice things that i would never shy away from that but i'm also fully aware that i don't depend on my happiness on those things i'm not putting what i believe is going to make me joyful on those things but i appreciate having them but i've also appreciated life when i didn't have them so they've never defined whether i've worked hard or worked on my purpose if that makes sense 100 you know there's two times in this conversation where you've made points where where the kind of conclusion that my head has arrived at is we have to meet in the middle if we're going to make progress the first time you did that was when you were talking about um having like an argument with with a wife or a partner or whatever it might be and you've got to actually like meet in the middle and say this is maybe where i can improve and maybe this is where you know use step to file and then you said it again there with um with the example of spirituality and probably like the business world they're seen as polar opposites one is all about you know maybe a less a less of a desire for material possession and attainment and climbing and capitalism and the other is the the definition of it and you're saying well really if we are to spread the message of spirituality around the world we're going to need to learn a little bit from the other side about building and scaling and and i just think that phrase the truth is in the middle has haunted me for the last couple of weeks since i came back from indonesia because um it seems to be the nature of everything and we're actually moving away from that as a polarized society black white police the people rich poor you know and woman exactly and and it's beautiful you said that actually because the buddha always talked about the middle path so he called it the middle path interesting for that reason from what you just said that it was always about the middle path that the answer was somewhere i interviewed kristen bell recently and she wrote a book called why the world needs more purple people and that's because of the red and blue states so the idea of this idea of like meeting in the middle that there's some answers that you only come across if you can entertain this idea and this idea and look for the connection and what i love is that for everything we're talking about someone's thought about it and talked about it before and when i think of someone who defined what we're talking about really well and this is a quote a thought that an insight that i try and live my life by and it's from martin luther king and he said that the people that love peace need to learn to organize themselves as well as the people who love war and to me that's what's been missing so for so long in spirituality and wellness and health is that we can speak about these things in this really organic beautiful way but if it doesn't get organized and if it doesn't get strategic and it doesn't get focused it just kind of feels like splattered paint and it doesn't allow people to practically apply it in their life so sometimes when people say jay what you're saying is so simple it's so basic i'm like yeah i'm choosing to do that because that's what we all need like don't we all need to make this really simple and easy and practical i know that's what i need and by the way i love getting caught up in a heady intellectual conversation and i've studied the vedas that are five thousand years old and i can reel off verses and talk about philosophical intricacies but i don't think that's going to help people at this stage and that doesn't help me when i started so for me i like to focus in on how can we get focused around powerful simple ideas and a powerful simple idea that loads of my guests come here and talk about and it's interesting that they do because they are incredibly successful people typically um is this idea of meditation and the power of meditation now i've heard this word meditation for many a year and increasingly over time i've become more compelled by it and started doing it thanks a lot to my girlfriend as well um so and you write about it a lot in your book i mean a couple of the chapters mentioned i mean pretty much several of the chapters mention the power of meditation talk to me about this simple idea of meditation and what the impact has been for you and can be for those listening so in the book i present three different types of meditation that i was trained in as a monk and that i was exposed to and they are breath work visualization and mantra so if you look at all types of meditations that exist today in the world there are three tools or three formats in which you can do it breath work obviously naturally it says in the name it's all about your breathing and breath work is generally aimed at body and physical so if you're having physical anxiety physical stress if you're rushing around your heart rate's gone up breath work is a beautiful way to come back into alignment now visualization is really interesting because visualization is used by everyone from lewis hamilton when he's driving his car around a track through to david beckham before he took a free kick visualization was the art of sitting in one place closing your eyes and visualizing what's that track going to look like what's that turn going to feel like how's that ball going to move it's visualizing the process not the result and that's what's fascinating western society has made it all about visualizing the result visualize yourself at the top of the podium and the goal the smartest people in the world are visualizing the process and the work and the journey and that's where manifestations gone wrong we can get back to that and then finally mantra or sound so the oldest text on meditation believe that sound has the power to transport and connect us in a way that no other type of meditation can now we can we all have experience of this when you hear a song from your past you're taken back there immediately when you hear a song that has maybe some ego in it or there's a song that you that you listen to on your way to a party or a nightclub because it pumps you up and it makes you feel good there are songs that make you feel violent sound has the ability to wake you up in the morning you don't wake up by sight you don't wake up by scent you don't wake up by taste you wake up by sound sound has the power to awaken deeper parts of us depending on what level it's at so when you look at meditation you have breath work you have visualization you have sound you can try a mix you can try one or the other ultimately for me meditation is an opportunity to build a relationship with yourself that's truly what it is to build your relationship with your body with your mind with your heart and with your consciousness and as you continue to meditate through breath work through visualization through mantra and sound that's all that's doing it's just deepening your relationship with yourself it's almost like saying oh when i'm with my girlfriend or my wife what do i do oh there's few activities and experiences that you do you go out for dinner you watch a movie you go for a walk okay well what do i do on my own well when i meditate on my own i get to know myself better and that's the beginning of what meditation is but the greatest benefits of meditation come from using the right tool for the right part of your life so before i'm coming on a podcast like this or going on stage if i'm feeling nervous or my heart rate's going up i've recognized that that's because i care it's because i really really care what i'm about to do and i want to be of service to others i want what i say to help someone i want what i say to hopefully start someone's meditation journey potentially and if that's the case then i need to be aligned so i'll practice breath work i'll breathe in for four and out for four this simple practice just brings me back into alignment see stephen we all have this experience how many times have you ever woken up and you feel your mind is ahead of your body every day your body wants to go to bed and your mind is racing yeah or you experience the opposite your body is racing and your mind is still in bed so most of our stress and tension in life comes from a lack of alignment in our body and our mind our body's racing 100 miles per hour and our mind is slow or our mind's racing 100 miles per hour and our bodies slow to bring them back into alignment you breathe in for the same amount of time as you breathe out simply doing that brings you back into alignment visualization i use for when i think i'm about to start a difficult journey and i think i may lose a bit of patience or i feel like i really need to practice this imagine this as i'm about to go on stage doing something that's really big deal and important for me i'm going to visualize myself pacing back and forth on stage i'm going to visualize myself communicating that message i'm going to visualize myself being really energetic on stage notice i'm not visualizing people clapping i'm not visualizing people saying that was amazing because that's just setting a false expectation i'm visualizing my performance being the best that it possibly can and the mantra and sound which is a big part of my meditation every day i do to connect with my deeper self i do to awaken parts of me that are forgotten and to feel a connection to a higher power in the divine there's so many people listening right and you said that so beautifully and eloquently um who i imagine listen to me doing these podcasts and they may be tuned in because they wanted a business podcast and they go here go steve again talking about meditation or whatever and the the react that reaction is probably caused by the i don't know the historic kind of snobbery that surrounds spirituality it can be quite a exclusive club right and the terminology can feel very exclusive to normal people and chakras and all of this stuff in alignment it can and when words like that are said to some people who are who aren't near the middle who are very much at the other end of the spectrum they just turn off to it so if i was just be someone who's listening to this now driving in my van on my way to work this morning and i see a lot of people in their vans driving listening to the podcast um what would you say is a really good just a first step to to investigate for themselves subjectively if um meditation can can add value to their life where would they start yeah i would say that the first thing you want to do is put something in your schedule in your calendar which is time for you if you look at your schedule you would never cancel an important meeting with someone else but we don't even schedule one with ourselves there is nothing in the calendar that time with myself time for me time for you time for just this this whole thing that's going on right now literally put it in for five minutes a day it's kind of five minutes do it for two minutes a day just put it in there because if you start putting that in there you might then tomorrow go okay well what am i going to do at this time i've got five minutes wow okay what am i going to do with it so start putting it in there that's the first step the second step i would say is definitely focus on your breath i think the breath is just something we can all relate to it's tangible by the way athletes have to learn how to control their breath musicians have to learn how to control their breath whether you're adele or whether you're a football player you have to learn how to breathe in order to perform me you and everyone we're all athletes in different ways we all use our bodies we all use our minds whether you're a business person or whether you're an actual athlete playing on a on a court or a pitch but he's saying that i don't know how to breathe i am saying you don't know how to breathe yeah and not you specifically i'm saying that most people don't know how to breathe and i didn't know how to breathe until i was taught how to breathe and i know that sounds ridiculous but how many times a day do you get out of breath i know there's times of days that i get out of breath how many times of the day do you feel that when you're experiencing an emotion your breath changes like when you're crying or you're sad or you're upset your breath changes when you're happy and elated your breath changes so our breath is connected to every single emotion so if we want to navigate our emotions and our life we have to train our breath so i would just say to everyone take out two to three minutes and just take a moment to breathe in and out and breathe in for four and out for four just try it as simply as that now if you're someone who struggles to get to sleep which can often be something that i think everyone struggles with that's when you want to breathe out for longer than you breathe in so if you're breathing in for four breathe out for more than four to relax and rest your body and if you're one of these people that goes jay i've got you know i've got like you said i've got to do a delivery today i've got to run to this meeting i've got to get to this and you need more energy breathe out for less time than you breathe in so you may breathe in for a second and breathe out for a millisecond it's a really sharp breath out and if you do that you'll feel this pumping energy in your body and so to me it's these are really practical tools that i think we all need to sleep so everyone knows their meditation for sleep we all need to get energized so that's a simple meditation to energize and we all need to just feel like we're not rushing yeah so i think those are hopefully quick things that feel practical to anyone and everyone yeah i mean i'm i think my natural position on things is to be a little bit of a skeptic and i when i was in indonesia the last time i my girlfriend brought me to see a breath work coach and before we did the breath work he explained it to me and so this is this is as a logical guy like i am the explanation matters a lot yeah and he was talking to me about um how we pretty much live most of our lives these days because of the over stimulation because of the stress because of the screens in this kind of like permanent state of fight or flight and when you look at what happens in fight or flight and i studied biology i know what happens to the body um and anatomically and physically what happens to your digestive tract and i mean this is what a lot of people say when they say i'm nervous and they've lost their appetite that's your body preparing and keeping the minerals and nutrients it needs to expend energy to help you in a situation on the serengeti when a lion is running at you that's a very prehistoric innate part of our conditioning and we do live on edge our notifications run our lives and all of these things so when we think about why people might be getting a little bit more anxious day-to-day it's probably because we're living in like a heightened state or fight or flight and one of the things that happens in fight or flight as well is your breathing changes so yeah and then i think about the moments where i'm feeling a little bit stressed and one thing i've done and i might find it so funny my head went straight to new york city as i'll go i'll stop and i'll just go and whenever i do that someone turns to me and goes are you okay okay i'm fine i'm just like i am now yeah yeah yeah yeah but no i completely agree and i think it's one of those things that i think everybody's listening regardless of who you are or how much of a tough guy you are you should um definitely you're a tough guy stephen so you know well not really no not really i'm a bit soft okay you know around the edges this let's talk a little bit about fear then because we talked about that there in your book in chapter three you you talk about there being good fear and bad fear how can fear be a good thing i realized that fear could be healthy or unhealthy based on how i used it and most of us don't realize that we get consumed by fear instead of using fear so fear becomes our being in the sense that fear becomes what controls us it tells us what we should do and what we shouldn't do it tells us how we should think and we shouldn't think it stops us from doing stuff that's really important to us and it makes us do things that we would never ever do it makes us say things to people that we love that we would never want to say to them and on the other end it stops you from saying things you really want to say to someone because you don't want to appear weak and your ego won't let you sophia takes this really magnetic controlling effect on our whole lives but fear at the same time can be one of the healthiest things because it's basically giving you a signal as to what's important it's basically giving you as a signal as to how you feel and when you use it as a signal not as a suggestion or a push it changes everything so let's let's make that practical when you are in your home and if the fire alarm goes off that gives you a signal to say check for the fire check if there's a fire right now if you go oh just turn it off it doesn't matter let's let's avoid my fear let's avoid it let's just turn it off let's forget about it your house could burn down or if you're lucky there was nothing and it's fine but the odds are that there could be a fire now if you're someone who goes well let me inspect it let me be curious about that i am scared that there's a fire in my house now that i've heard the fire alarm but let me be curious let me inspect let me check imagine we approached our fear in that way imagine every time i felt scared of something i said well let me get curious about this why am i scared of this why is it affecting me so much what about this scares me is it all of it or is it just a part of it when you start doing it you start to break that fear down and that's the healthy way of looking at fear rather than the unhealthy way of saying forget about it keep it away from me i don't want to go there and so for me i really feel that fear is what blocks us from these beautiful breakthroughs in life and it has such a choke hold on us like it's such a strong hold on us and i think most of us are living our lives because we're scared of what someone will say what someone will think or what someone will do and that feels like something that we're going to regret when we're at the end of our lives well they do they do right so they interview people as you know on their deathbed and this is the number one regret of the dying your dms they must be full of people that are exhibiting exactly that behavior because i know mine are yeah a young person saying i'm in this job i'm in this relationship i it sucks but yeah fear right yes fear of change fear of uncertainty whatever it might be what do you typically say to those people that you know they hate the situation they're in but the fear is kind of imprisoning them to to into an action i think i always meet i always i'm saying this to someone on my team this morning actually i i always try and meet everyone with compassion and not judgment because i know what it feels like to experience that and i still experience that in different areas of my life so it's always there and i think if you don't meet it with compassion you can kind of say something really energetic in the moment and kind of make them feel like they've solved it but that isn't really wearing it down i think for me the first thing is to acknowledge that that fear is real to acknowledge that there potentially will be backlash that there potentially will be someone who's upset because i think often we're told oh no just do what you want and it doesn't matter and i'm like well it does matter because maybe you are a good person and you don't want someone to be upset or you don't want to let your parents down or you don't want to hurt someone right or you don't want to uh ruin your reputation by quitting your job or whatever it may be and i think it's important to acknowledge that that's real and that may happen but i think what i try and do next is say okay well let's say you didn't change anything how are you gonna feel in five to ten years and that's my favorite question to ask someone let's not change anything about your life how does it feel in five to ten years and if it feels worse than what you think it is now chances are that even if you're going to hurt someone that's probably the better way to go but if you say you're going to feel the same or better then sure just accept that and most people will say well no if i if i don't change anything if i don't get out of this my life's going to be worse but here's the other thing i think we're always conditioned to think that we need to change our situation to create a change in our life and actually with what both of us believe it's all about a change in perspective and mindset i have learned things from jobs that i hated but that are so useful to me right now i have learned things from relationships with people i've had and those people that i didn't get along with but those lessons are still serving me today i've been in countless situations where i wanted to get out that situation but that situation was perfectly designed to show me something and the problem is we're constantly trying to just move and get away and so really what i say to everyone is i want you to find out what is the perspective shift that this situation is trying to create in your life because if you take that with you that perspective is going to stay with you no matter the situation but if you just keep trying to change your environment hoping that your life's going to improve you're going to feel dissatisfied at the next place and the next place and the one after that and i feel we're just conditioned to say okay you don't like your job quit your job you don't like your relationship quit your relationship it's not the job of relationship it's the way you see it and i think we just keep saying that it's this external shell that we're in when it's actually this shell and what's happening inside of it that's defining all of these perspectives so much i mean that was a unbelievably beautiful answer and i'm gonna 100 still that answer i want you to know especially that five year point because it is a really good sort of mental um game to to role play um one of the things i was thinking when you know you were talking then is about a lot of those messages that we'll get on instagram wherever it might be they're centered in insecurity some kind of insecurity and because we have a lot of followers you significantly more than me and because we have a big audience what people will assume is that we have all the answers but we've got it all figured out and that we live our lives like saints and i always want to be really clear on this podcast that i absolutely do not so let's talk about that how about we go back and forward and we just say a couple of things we're really really bad at and we want to improve on whether they are insecurities they are lessons wisdom we know but we don't follow et cetera et cetera you please be my guest this one's been the one that the universe keeps teaching me so when if i think about this question this is the first thing that came to my mind i keep believing that i'm going to meet someone who's going to help me take my work to the next level and so i always have had this belief and i don't know where it comes from it's it's one of those ones that i still need to figure out where every year i'll be like oh well yeah yeah if i'm working with that person that person like as a manager or an agent or whatever it was like that person's gonna help me get to another stage and the universe just keeps teaching me every year that it's you it's you it's you it's you like you've gotta do it for yourself there's not gonna be anyone that comes into your life and changes your life but my naivety every year is to try and look for that person and if someone asked me and said well jay who's going to be that person for me i would tell them no what do you think it's you that's what i would say to them off the bat i would say to someone stop depending on other people stop waiting for someone to change your life you have to change your life but then in my own life i keep my actions show that i'm still looking for that so that's the first thing i'm sure let's go back and forth i like this yeah there's there's going to be plenty more okay so the loads came to mind yeah so i'll just i'll try and start from the top so the first thing that came to mind that i i know the truth upon and i would preach about this podcast but i find it hard to do is i still kind of impose my own bias and beliefs on the world onto others and i still loosely don't understand why everybody doesn't want to do what i want to do with their life so i don't understand why everybody doesn't want to be successful and push and climb the ladder and pursue and have nice things and build wealth and build an empire so sometimes there's this real bias in the advice i give people and this real kind of like naivety and lack of understanding that happiness is the north star we all have our own path to getting there and i can even exhibit that as an employer i can my a voice can sometimes question why team members might not behave with in the same way as me and it's fundamentally because again the north star is happiness and their path to being happy is not the same as mine and that's a really dangerous game to play especially when you've got a big platform because you'll make people feel inadequate for their journey to happiness because it doesn't resemble your own and so i really need to get better at understanding we all have different paths and if i just say to myself the north star is happiness and we all have our own ways there then i can stop preaching upon people or assuming that because they are not following my path they are incorrect yes yes i love that i think one of the biggest things i obviously talk about is asking people to take time for themselves and make time for themselves you already know where this is going and and i think it's really interesting because i i think i try and i think i do but i know that this year when it came to so i i try and take a full month off every year for myself and usually i go to india and because of covet i haven't been able to go for the last two years and i usually go and live with the monks again and and take part in all the meditations and practices for a month and it's one of my favorite things to do and i haven't been able to do it for the last two years so i still decided i would take a month off and it came and i said i would do from the 15th of december to the 15th of jan and then i found out a week before that i kind of had to stay for an extra week in la for work so i delayed it and i was like oh i'm going to do 22nd of december to the to the 17th of jan and then i i got to london i started taking that break off but it was like i got to a point where i could see that i'd been delaying my self-care and i kept delaying it even by that week and in that week before i left i could tell that i needed a break like i needed to switch off and my advice to everyone is don't let it get to that point you've got to take it just before that and i was planning on doing that it was scheduled but because of commitments and priorities and important things i had to push that extra mile and sure i'm fine and i'm okay and i feel great but i don't think that that's sustainable and i think it was a different journey and and this is being honest too i don't think i pro i'm a proponent of work-life balance although it may appear that way so this may actually be a perception thing i think people may perceive that jay believes in perfect work-life balance and the truth is i don't i believe in purpose and purpose to me is being obsessed about what you care about and what's important to you and so for me what i do is my purpose and so i'm obsessed about it i care about it i love it i breathe it i live it and when i was building i was working 18 hours a day i was you know a couple of those were meditations sure but then i was sleeping for six hours but i was working 18 hours a days for two to three years straight seven days a week and i think the perception is often people may feel that no jay you live a perfectly balanced life and i'm like well no no i haven't like to there's a different skill required to go upwards then stay maintain create momentum like it's a different gear that you're in all the time and so today my life is far more disciplined in my health and wellness than it's ever been before but there have been periods of the years getting here that didn't look like that at all if that thank you for sharing that yeah that's super valuable um my next one would be what you described at the tennis court which was some days especially because i mean these are probably everything i say now is probably gonna be an excuse but i'm gonna say it anyway but i've presented it as an excuse so hopefully that kind of is okay but i think i've geared my mind to care so much about the like being time efficient yes that in situations where things aren't moving with the efficiency that i i i demand from my business life yeah because you put your hand up here that i might because because of my expectations are of efficiency and speed when i encounter a situation maybe like the people that were bumbling around with the clipboard at the tennis court that you described trying to find your membership or whatever my expectation goes unmet frustration arrives and then i might compromise on the way that i behave yeah and that might mean being abrupt being too too forward with somebody or being too too harsh or lacking compassion in the way that i say something people don't know this about me but when i'm alone i think about this it's probably the number one thing i think about i reflect on how i treated people that day yes and there's been too many days in a row where i've gone you [ __ ] that up again steve yeah be better tomorrow and then i'll come into tomorrow the expectation will go in matt i'll be i'll become a person i don't want to be and i'll say to myself in my private time i say you [ __ ] that up again yeah and i've been doing that too much for too long i think we all have i mean i talk about in my book i had this i had this moment same thing as you just said i uh this was a couple of years ago in l.a and i was traveling around in in ubers and going here and there and getting in or lyft and calling one and jumping in and going on and i got in and i was on my phone and doing whatever and then five minutes later i realized we hadn't moved and and that's how consumed i was on my phone whether i was scrolling or texting or emailing and i said to the driver i said is everything okay and he said you didn't say hello and he said i said hello to you five minutes ago and you didn't say hello and i just it it was such a like i was late for my meeting i was late for a big thing what i felt terrible i felt so so bad and i was like i really want people to connect with everyone as a human i said i'm so sorry what's your name like like and then and he started driving and he wasn't trying to he wasn't even trying to be abrasive like some people say oh well that's a bit he's not doing this i actually don't think it's his fault at all i think he taught me such a valuable lesson because i was just kind of like oh yeah it's a service i booked it treating him like a robot treating him like a machine and yeah one day we'll have driverless cars and i won't have to say hello sure but treating a human in that way it i i think that goes against everything i stand for is that i want us to become more human and i want us to not lose our humanity as technology advances and i love technology and it's great but let's not lose our ability to have human connection which is what brings so much joy to our lives and so yeah i you know that that's one of those moments that i was like you know you're really trying to teach me a lesson here because yeah you know what this this whole back and forward if it's taught us anything it's that even people that you presume to to have the answers from the from the outside um in fact maybe the correct answer is to understand one's own faults understand we're all really really imperfect to be self-aware about those faults and then make a commitment to being better every day i think i'll die imperfect but trying to be better i don't think i'll die perfect and i think um i think that is maybe there'll probably be people that view the work that you do and say god he's got it all figured out a hundred percent of things and i don't so i'm inadequate yes i need to be jay and if i'm not jay then i'm inadequate i'm morally wrong my value's about i'm a bad person so that's kind of i love that i'm so glad i love the back and forth too i you know for me it's it's always wonderful to talk about these things and i think that's what our generation has changed in this space because i think we did live at a time when gurus and guides and coaches were revered as flawless perfect and you never really saw the behind the scenes and i think i i always say to my team like i'm always trying to i don't want i don't even want that pressure it's it's pressure and it actually stops you from being sincere and genuine and authentic and i feel that pressure sometimes like i feel that pressure when someone has a question and i need to rush off and i'm like i want to answer it but i also need to rush off and i feel that pressure and it's just i've realized i don't want that pressure like because i'm not perfect and i don't want to try and pretend i am or i don't want to have to live up to it because it will just let someone down and it's really interesting because this was around probably around 11 years ago now and this was i was mentoring before i became a monk when i was a monk i was a mentor and then i became a coach and whenever i took on a mentee or a coach coaching client or anyone the one of the first things i'd say to them in our first meeting is i just want you to know that i will let you down i just want you to know that that there will be something i do that upsets you disappoints you or lets you down if you're okay with that let's get started let's get going and i saw the amount of people that walked out that door really yeah there were people that left because they were expecting divinity and humanity and they were expecting perfection and i'm really happy that they left because i would never have been able to live up to that and i don't even want the pressure and so i'm really clear with people even now like i work with so many clients and that's one of the first things i'll say to them and you see that the people that stay recognize that because they understand they have flaws and we all do and i also took off the pressure especially in coaching where a lot of people think you can change their life and as an immature coach or therapist you may think you can change someone else's life and the more i've coached and the more hours i've racked up with coaching the more i've realized i don't i can't change someone's life i don't have what it takes to change someone's life i don't have to say something profound every word i say and not everything i say is going to be perfect and incredible and insightful and if i can let go of that i actually might allow something beautiful to happen actually trying to do all those things trying to say something profound every sentence trying to magically solve someone's problems trying to be perfect all of these things actually block something beautiful from happening kind of interesting because it very much links to what you said about not not putting the expectation on the outcome you said that earlier i'm not going to try and change your life today but let's just focus in as you said earlier on the process of like what we can do today i guess part of my point the first thing that came to mind there was we both write quotes and put them out on the internet and that kind of thing but i'm going to be completely honest when i write quotes on instagram i have no expectation that it's going to change the life of pretty much i actually don't think even if people agree with it most of them won't actually do anything probably over 95 maybe 99 of them but what does it take to have an impact on someone's life is it something that you can do as a coach or is it something inside them that is you're just the oxygen to their flame what is it i believe that we need different language different perspectives different faces different voices to connect with every person on the planet you're going to say the same thing in your own way from your own mind and heart and your experience and that's going to touch someone in a way that what i said can't and then i'm going to say something in a context that's going to impact someone else that your words may not speak to because i've i've heard truth again and again and again and again and again and then i hear it again last week and it clicks because i heard it from someone that said it in a way that speaks to the language of my soul that speaks to the language of my mind and heart and i think that's what's so fascinating about needing more voices and more faces and more people trying to serve but when you talk about what creates change in coaching there's there's four steps to making a change in someone's life it goes theoretical meaningful practical and applicable so most people when they like a post on instagram or maybe they comment that's them saying theoretically i agree with this and i understand it i understand the theory that what you're saying is true and i like it and i agree with it theoretically but that theoretical understanding doesn't create transformation that theoretical understanding doesn't change someone's life it may hit them here and hit them here the next step actually is from here to here which is is it meaningful to them so i'll give an example let's say someone reads a quote but they just lost their parent or they just lost a family member they love i know i've had that happen to me in the last couple of years i'm sure many people listening have now it's not theory it's meaningful because it's hit your heart it's gone from here to here and you're like okay that really resonated but again that doesn't change your life because now it's meaningful it's emotional it's internal but that hasn't changed in your action or your behavior so the next step is making that practical okay steven wrote that amazing quote how do i make that practical let me reflect this is the work that the coachee or the client needs to do okay steven presented it beautifully it connected with my head it hit my heart how do i actually make that practical in my day-to-day life i'm not stephen i'm not jay how do i actually practically do that and then finally what's the part that i apply and take action on so as a receiver of wisdom and knowledge you have to do half that journey all you can do is the theoretical and the meaningful and you may even help with practical tips and application but someone still has to sit there and go how do i do that unless you're sitting there with them one-on-one obviously and you can't do the the practical bit for someone else forever ever yeah you could maybe help them today or tomorrow totally not for a lifetime it's not going to be the fishing rod quick one as many of you know i've been trying to make my life a little bit more sustainable as it relates to energy ever since i sold my range over sport and bought an electric bicycle and my energy as a sponsor of this podcast is one of the brands that make that transition much much easier they are at the forefront of british renewable ecosmart technology and their products are really really changing the game if you're on youtube you can see what i'm holding in my hand this is called the eddy right it's the uk's number one solar powered diverter so what is a solar diverter it's a device for people like you and me that means you can divert your excess energy back into your home rather than back into the grid which will save you power and money it's super user friendly and easy to install and you can control it using the my energy app on your phone to find out more about this product and more products like it that will help you make that sustainable transition head over to myenergy.com and um i highly recommend you check out the eddie it's um it's a real game changer for a product and one that i'm going to be installing in my home soon over the years i've tried to kind of simplify what happiness is and i sit here with my guests and mogada was great at that as well yeah of course is unbelievable kind of the concept of happiness what are the kind of simple fundamentals that jay shetty requires in his life to live a happy life i'm going to use the word happy i know it's a shitty word in many respects but i just want to use that as the the word yeah i'd say that i look at happiness as daily habits and then deeper purpose so there's things you can do daily that keep that happiness kind of moving and feel it's growing and then there's almost the objective the compass the reason why you live and why you exist and for me it's been really clear that finding your passion and using it in the service of others is what creates the greatest deepest happiness when you find what you love what you excel at what you're brilliant at and then you can actually use that to improve people's lives and you can use that skill that passion that energy to make a difference in someone's life there is no better feeling than that and what i find is i meet a lot of people who've mastered their passion but not for service they mastered it for business they mastered it for money they are mastered it for success and they have all of that but they haven't got the service element in their life they don't understand how to use their passion for a purpose and so they feel unequipped and then i know lots of people are trying to serve or trying to make a difference or trying to do charity work they're trying to do all this good work and they feel good about it but they still don't feel fulfilled because they're missing what is my special role like what's my position what's my offering in this space you kind of get lost after a while and so to me happiness is where both come together where it's like i know what i love and what makes me happy and when i do that for others to improve their lives it makes them happy so if you can do what makes you happy and do it for others and it makes them happy that's going to give you happiness and i have tested that principle time and time again with clients with friends with family with myself and i've seen it to be true again and again and again but that's that bigger happiness piece let's go to the daily habits like the daily stuff and i want to try and avoid the stuff that i think people have heard and people have probably come across before in many different places maybe i've spoken about that maybe other people have but one of the biggest ones for me is i read a book a few years ago about flow state and that book really transformed how i felt about things and it talks about how being in flow is the intersection where your skills and your challenge match so if your skills are higher than your challenge you'll feel bored lethargic and maybe feel stuck but if your challenge is greater than your skills you feel overwhelmed potentially depressed and disconnected and disappointed so most of us are living in one of those discrepancies and i find on a daily basis i'm playing around with that equation for happiness because that flow state of when you know you have a skill and your challenge is met and even if you lose you still get such a joy out of it because you know that you're still working in the right direction and i think that is an underplayed part of happiness because it doesn't sound like something predictable or obvious because people go well that's achievement that's ambition it's actually not it's just saying for most people it's either or their challenges are greater than their skill or their skills greater than their challenge so i would ask everyone to say look at your life do you need to improve your skills or do you need to broaden your challenge is this a year of expanding your challenges or is this a year of broadening your skills and i promise you if you start with that you're going to get so busy and active changing one of those the happiness is going to naturally flow this comes into a little little model i created of creating happiness for my year and that one sits in one of them so i'll explain which one it's in i believe that to create happiness day to day in one year in one month in a week you have to have three things you have to learn something every year you have to launch something every year and you have to love something every year and that's how i've lived for the last three to five years every year i'm learning something every year i'm launching something and every year i'm loving something and i'll give you an example so when i talk about flow state that comes into the idea of raising your challenge is like launching something the reason why launching something creates happiness is because it creates a feeling of nervousness it creates a feeling of butterflies creates a feeling of excitement like i don't know what's going to happen we all need a feeling of surprise in life we all need that feeling of i don't know the sense of the unknown can actually cause happiness and so launching something is such a powerful way and i think too many people will think for five years and think for ten years and maybe launch one thing in their whole life and me and you but i mean i'd love to i can't wait to interview on my podcast but i have launched so much stuff there but that launch creates so much joy it creates so much happiness so launch something and we can dive into that then there's learn something which is what we just talked about learning a skill so that's the that's the idea of creating your flow state by saying what skill do i want to learn and every year i pick a skill and it's usually based on what i want to launch the next year so i'll go okay i need to learn podcasting so 2018 i studied podcasting 2019 we launched the podcast uh so what you learn turns in what to what you launch and what you launch turns into what you love and what we try and do is we try and do it the other way around we try and love something before we learn and launch it it doesn't make sense you've got to learn about something first and then you can fall in love with it you can't love something and then learn about it you can but it doesn't always work that way so i try and plan my years out in that way i go what am i going to learn what am i going to launch and what am i going to love so yeah i think that's how i try and create happiness on a daily weekly monthly basis without diving into things like gratitude and meditation which are huge parts of my daily happiness but i think those are ideas that are out there and that we've talked about before probably and you've launched a lot of stuff a lot of stuff and uh we're going to talk a little bit about some of those things that you've launched i mean you've got your your genius community which you which has been going for a long time now brilliant a really brilliant business and really a standout business in this whole industry in terms of the way you um executed it and the i mean even the design of the the programs and i mean i remember going on the website and trying to thinking to myself would i be able to make something as quality as this um in the future and i'm sort of modeling myself on that you've got your certification school for coaches as well you've launched your tea business and there's also a really i guess this is a bit of an exclusive your partnership with calm the mindfulness meditation app and i think they also call themselves a sleep app as well now i think that's a more modern um description of them so why did you partner with calm so michael and i uh michael is one of the co-founders of calm he's been on this podcast yes exactly yes and uh we we got introduced probably around four years ago now and he came over for lunch to my place we were hanging out connecting getting to know each other he was being told that he should really connect with me and i was being told i should connect with him and finally we got together so we had lunch in my home my wife made us this incredible lunch uh and we sat down and he brought brought a friend and i had a couple of people there and we just hung out and in that meeting i met someone who i really believed was not trying to build an app and i met someone who's not trying to build a platform and i met someone who was not trying to build technology he was trying to build an experience he was trying to build a journey for people to go on he was trying to build a practical daily habit for each and every single person in the world and that was really beautiful for me to hear because i'd been an admirer of calm when it first started out and i first heard about it probably eight years before we met and i've been seeing what they were doing and creating and to meet the person behind it and for them to be as genuine sincere and wonderful as michael is you've met him so you know what he's like i was really blown away by that i was just blown away by that vision and having spent hours and years meditating in the monastery and then meditating afterwards i've always wanted to share meditation at scale with the world i think it's a habit that 80 to 90 of the world's most healthy wealthy and successful people live by so if we could make it accessible practical and relevant to each and every person's daily life can you imagine the transformation that they'll have and i've experienced that as a monk i saw it in for years and years and years i've seen it last year during the pandemic i went live for 20 days on instagram and taught meditation just to everyone and anyone because i felt quite inadequate i was like i'm not a frontline worker i can't save lives i'm not a delivery person i'm not helping people with their groceries and their food i was like what can i offer and i thought well maybe if people can have a minute of peace and calm then then that might be worth it and across 40 days i ended up doing 40 instead of 20 across 40 days with 20 million people tuned in and it was just so mind-blowing to me and most of the people were saying they'd never meditated before and i thought to myself how beautiful that was and one of the biggest pieces of feedback i get from my audience is well jay we want to meditate with you every day why can't we keep doing that and i was like wow those 40 days of live meditations were really intense and a lot of work went into them so i wanted a home for where i could share meditation every single day a new piece of meditation insight that each and every single person could build a daily habit every day every day what of seven minutes a day you're gonna do seven minutes a day every day seven minutes a day every day wow five days a week five days a week not weekends you get days off yeah everyone gets two days off you don't have to meditate on the weekends you can sleep in but you're gonna you've recorded a meditation income for 365. we haven't recorded all again we haven't recorded all of them because they're fresh and they're moving and they're based on my weekly inspiration so we record them monthly nice so we record them monthly so i've recorded for the next month ahead because i have to because everyone's going to need them but i'm basing it on like what my inspiration is that week and what my day is that week but it's a seven minute meditation and i truly believe that everyone can find seven minutes and if everyone could just find seven minutes in their day in their calendar as i said that they put aside for themselves i believe in those seven minutes everyone could build a beautiful habit now the difference with our meditation is the meditations we've created we believe they're meditations that inspire action so all of them are not just sitting there on your own with yourself breathing they're interconnected with a change in your daily behavior so each and every single one of them have a takeaway have an insight that you can go and apply no matter what you do across the world so the goal is when meditation meets action where meditation can actually help you change how you feel that day through your real life and so why i chose calm was i wanted a home i wanted to work with michael and the team who i just believe are dreaming beautifully about how to bring meditation to the world and so sincerely and genuinely care about each and every person and i just love how i would say i love how universally they approach meditation i think they approach meditation in this universal expansive abundant mindset way which makes story be a part of meditation which makes visualization be a part of meditation and that's how i was trained in meditation as a monk so it feels very philosophically aligned as well you know you've done so much and really from what i observed even you really started in 2000 and i'd say the the sort of external social media content journey started in 2016. yes that is mad that is mad you've gone from 2016 um making your first content tour in 2022 now just and you're this global household name as it relates to content self-improvement meditation all of these topics right that's a short period of time when you look back and you try and connect the docs as steve jobs often did about how apple came to be in the little moments and the little things whether it was a moment of um good fortune or whether it was something that you have spotted in hindsight in your character why was jay shetty successful in such a short period of time in such a big way give me the honest practical answer i don't want anything i want why why were you successful so i'm going to give you the i'm going to give you my monk answer and then i'm going to give you then i'm going to give the media answer so and and i live by both right like you have to you have to see things as both and that's why i love my monk answer is i was really fortunate to meet incredible people when i was young i met a few people that absolutely transformed my life i'm eternally indebted to them grateful to them and i owe it all to them and so i give all my success to them you know without meeting those amazing mentors and those phenomenal thought leaders and thinkers who are not famous who are not known who are not present like they're not they're not in the social media world they're not big names or whatever those people you know those people if i never met them none of this would have happened i can see that's the emotion in your face when you say this yeah i just i i really you know we we skipped it earlier but i i just feel like the gratitude that i have for people who saw potential in me when i didn't see it in myself that is just the greatest gift you can give to someone like i today have self-awareness and i have confidence and i know who i am and i i wasn't always like that like there were tons of years where i was insecure and you know i was bullied for being overweight and i was bullied for being the only indian at school and there was so much like baggage to do with just my body my how the language i used and all this kind of stuff and to to have someone notice that you may have something i mean you've had that and that is just you you like honor that person for the rest of your life and the best thing is those people don't even want it so you know the best thing about all of this is the people there are not going oh yeah we did that they're they're actually saying no no it's not us like it's you and and i think that's the beauty of that so i i have to say that it's important that i share that answer not because i'm trying to give a more strategic answer but i think it's important because it is a big part of it and so that would be the monks that i met it would be the coaches that i met the guys that i met looking at it from a very practical strategic standpoint shifting now my parents forced me to go to public speaking and drama school when i was 11 years old and i really didn't want to go because i was shy i was unconfident i was insecure about being on stage or being in a public setting i actually loved acting growing up i really enjoyed acting and doing theater and things like that where i was playing another character but being myself on stage that was the last thing i wanted to do and my parents saw that and they saw that as something that i should work on so they forced me and my school to enroll me in a public speaking course so from the age of 11 through to the age of 18 for three hours a day three days a week so nine hours a week for seven years i went to public speaking school really for seven years of my life i went to public speaking school so when i look back at my ability to communicate my ability to understand ideas and by the way public speaking school is examination based too so we had exams where they would give you a topic 15 minutes before you have 15 minutes to research a topic from the books in the room that they give you because there was no smartphone at the time when we were 11 12 years old and you'd have to create a speech in 15 minutes about that subject from the books that were in the room you had to read from a book that you'd never read before they'd pick a random page and they'd ask you to read it out so the examination of a public and this was at the london academy of music drama and arts it's called lambda and that's where i studied for seven years so that's a very strategic skill set that i had the time to develop thanks to my parents you know like without my parents that none of that would have ever happened and i think that's a big part of why people hopefully appreciate how i communicate ideas because i've spent a lot of time understanding communication but when i was 18 i had nothing to talk about so even though i had all these tools and skills i didn't really use them because i didn't care about anything so sure i gave a good presentation at university and work experience and an internship but it was never something that brought me to life and so then when i met the monks and i got an opportunity to study the vedas which are 5 000 years old and again we were put through rigorous study we sat down we had to learn verses we had to analyze purports commentaries on ancient scriptures we had to do comparative analysis of religions and tradition like when i was a monk we were massively trained in philosophical analysis and that to me gave me a real strength and confidence in these ideas so some of the ideas i present today that may sound simple they're based on these really ancient deep truths that i've had the time to grapple with with the greats who really understand them so that to me is a big benefit i've had where i've had three years of complete dedication to studying philosophy and not just studying the intellectual areas but the practical and the applicable areas as well so thanks to my monk teachers who gave me that and then when i went to accenture where people were like jay you're just a monk why did you go to accenture i had to pay the bills i couldn't rely on my parents and you know my parents are not wealthy that they could pay my way through life and i moved back into there i moved back into my childhood bedroom when i was 26 wow living with my parents with 25 000 18 000 pounds worth of debt and just feeling that you know i was like what do i do now and i applied to 40 companies that would have given me a job i'm a first class honours degree student i'm a straight a student and i was rejected from 40 companies because surprise surprise no one wanted to hire a monk so everyone goes what are your transferable skills sitting quietly and sitting on the floor like no one needs that so 40 companies say no to me accenture finally give me a shot and i meet someone called thomas power and thomas power i don't know if you ever met him actually he's london-based uh he started up like an early linkedin kind of version called academy and he was he's very networked in london in the business space definitely want to introduce you guys he's awesome uh and he was brought in by accenture to train us in social media and train us in in this new wave of this new thing that was happening and it's really interesting because we've talked about it me and him many times i'm going to have him on my podcast soon and i realized i was like you didn't really teach me much about social media but you really taught me about breaking my mindset and he would always repeat napoleon hill you become what you think about and he'd always tell me that i'd be like keep saying that to yourself and i keep saying that to myself and you become what you think about you become and then i was like oh what am i thinking i'm not thinking about anything so what am i going to become nothing and it was just really interesting so he would give me these little tools and little things to play with he had another one called ors which he would say that successful people have to be open random and supportive and he'd say that most unsuccessful people are closed selective and controlling csc and he was saying that when you live in a csc mindset you limit your growth but when you live in an ors mindset open random and supportive you expand your growth so you'd encourage me to be open with strangers on twitter it encouraged me to be open with random people with me at a conference and he was just training me in behaviors and mindsets it wasn't like how to post and what time to post and this is how you make it wasn't how to make something go viral like that wasn't it it was how to engage how to push your comfort zone how to challenge your fear why are you so uncomfortable to walk up to that person and tweet them you know all of those kind of things and i saw that my mind just became just open to the idea so he would always tell me you're an entrepreneur i'd be like no i'm not no i'm not meant to work for someone and so he would keep pushing me until i'd get really angry with him like you don't even know who i am only for me to realize he saw something in me that i never saw and then i'd say from there on that's kind of what gets me to the beginning of it i would say that for 10 years before 2016 i was making content and delivering it in small venues in london so i had an event in london at university called think out loud every single week i would design a poster on photoshop i taught myself photoshop and i'd make a poster and i would talk about a movie from a philosophical psychological and spiritual perspective so i take a movie like inception and i'd break it down and 10 students would come every week and then i teach meditation which i'd learned from the monks and then 20 students would come and by the time i finished university 100 people came every single week to hear me break down and this was no followers the events were free i was preparing for free doing everything for free and i loved it and i got so much joy and then afterwards when i was accenture i ran an event in london called conscious living and it was just a it was an event which was probably like five pound on a friday night and again i was teaching philosophy spirituality and meditation and i was lucky if five people turned up it wasn't university anymore where you could go and deck the halls with flyers and posters in the common room and the community area so we'd get like five to ten people every friday night paying five to ten quid just for the food that we gave and you know the posters that we made just to cover the costs so for ten years before i ever made a piece of content online i've practiced rehearsed experimented grappled challenged these ideas again and again and again and again and again without any followers without any money and without anything else coming from it apart from the fact that i love it i love the idea of reading a book and trying to make it relevant so i would say that the biggest reason is because i've done this for 10 years offline before i ever went online so i've been doing it for like 16 years and that doesn't count the 11 year old public speaking classes it's really there's something really beautiful about that because it i think it gives them a sense of it's incredibly inspiring but it also gives a sense of peace to people who are at stage in their journey where they're sat on the phones in a call center selling i don't know double glazing like i was and they're thinking um this is a waste of time they're thinking picking up this phone and trying to persuade margaret to buy some windows is a waste of time and it's not serving my where i want to go and it's only in hindsight when you speak to people like yourself or you hear about steve jobs journey or really anybody that sits here on this podcast yeah like so those are some of the most unbelievably formative and most pivotal experiences as it relates to the thing you will go on to do and you never know when that's going to happen right you never know when opportunity is going to meet preparation in your life totally and that also speaks to something you said earlier which is it's about the mindset you have when you're doing those things and if you believe i think if you believe that sitting on that phone is going to be the rest of your life forever you're increasing the chances of that being the case and i'm not putting down people that do center jobs it's actually one of my one of my favorite and the job i did the longest um but i just think that's such an important mindset shift that can inspire and not demotivate yeah i think we have to look at our life as a series of things that add up each other rather than like this is a waste this is a waste and that's not a waste and by the way you said call center that sparked a memory i had a internship when i was 16 years old at the business design center in angel and i was working for a company called upper street events that sold event space to companies for these big exhibitions and events that happened in the venue and i remember at 16 having to call up nissan bmw vw audi vauxhall etc because they're doing a big car exhibition now by the way i was a 16 year old kid who didn't really know i was doing but the people trained me really well and i would i was cold calling and i completely agree with you i think that gave me so much confidence to be able to pick up the phone to anyone and everyone to tweet anyone and everyone to dm anyone and everyone by the way cristiano ronaldo has the longest list of dms from me that he's never seen right he has the longest list of dm's for me that he's never seen but i'm hoping that one day he's going to see them and i'm going to get to interview him and it's the idea of like i don't i'm not worried if he doesn't see them i'm not upset if one day he sees 30 dms from me because i know that that's what it takes and i'm okay with that there's no ego there i'm so happy if christina went out to open it up and saw oh this guy's desperate i would take that all day because i think he's a i think he has a phenomenal mind and i would love to sit down with him what did you lose what did you lose right but that comes from when you're cold calling in the call center you learn that mindset of what did i lose if this person said no and there's 300 people on this list and that person might be the one that wants it now and that person might come back around and you get to develop those skills so i just i just hope that wherever you are listening to this right now wherever you're watching it you just take a moment to realize that that place can teach you everything you need to know about your purpose and if you just approach it in that way you're going to walk to work with a pep in your step and like this energy that's going to be so electric and so magnetic that everyone's going to know what's going on with you and all it is is that you're looking at life as an addition rather than a subtraction and you'll receive in a completely different way right correct yeah we have a long-standing tradition on this podcast um where the previous guest writes a question for the next guest in the diary that's genius i love that new addition the reason why we did it and i've never really explained this is we want to basically connect the the episodes together and the guests together in some way and doing that by a question written in the diaries our way um who came up with that great idea it's brilliant it's absolutely fantastic i'm going to tell my team it's funny because this question is actually one i think i asked you already so you can ask me another one if you want you can pick a pick a random one yeah i can just make one up no um so the question asked what is your definition of true success i'd say my definition of true success is that there are four important decisions we make in our life and if you can make every decision intentionally with the desire to learn and serve then that's all you can do so the four most important decisions we make in our life are how do i feel about myself what do i do for money who do i give my love to and how do i serve others and if you spend your life focusing on intentionally making those choices then your life is a success because all you can do is try to live intentionally and try to hope that it helps other people amen listen jay i can't thank you enough for coming here and doing this um i know you are a very in demand very um a very very successful man who's who's only in the uk for a short period of time so it's a true honor that you would come here and sit with me and have this conversation for me you've been a real role model in many many ways and you know you've led the way in the the content the self-development the helping people change their lives domain especially as someone that comes from the same country as me for the longest time so i've always looked looked at you for the last i don't know seven years since i've i've started doing this and i think your success has propelled and enabled mine from a point of inspiration but also from giving me a blueprint on how to serve so i've never got to say that to you before but i really want to say thank you because that's um you know you've helped you're probably the reason i get to help people as well in my own way so that means you know it means a ton to me that you would come here and sit with me and uh yeah it's just thank you that is probably one of the most humbling things anyone's ever said to me because i'm a huge fan of the podcast i think you do an incredible job and i think you have some amazing guests guests that i've never sat down with or you know may not be in my ra my radar or radius and you've shared things with them that have just been phenomenal and so when i'm listening and watching i want to get my haircut yeah i was talking to my um hairdresser about you and i was like i'm going this podcast tomorrow and and you know and he and he listens to you as well and knows who you are and and i was just like yeah and the the easiest thing that came back to me was just yeah stephen's a really nice guy like he's really down to earth he's really humble and i find that phenomenal because of your age because of what you've achieved i've never felt like even a drop of ego around you and whether that's in your online presence whether that's when we met in new york whether that's on twitter all those years ago whether it's today before we're on camera and and i really appreciate that i think as monks we were trained that the most admirable quality in a human is humility like that was seen as like the the if if we could say that in the material world the highest thing about someone is whatever it is the currency in monk life was humility and so when i meet people who have humility i really they're like my they're like the people that i get drawn to the most and and you just have it in bags for and i i just think you're gonna go off and do even more incredible successful phenomenal things for the world and i'm excited to watch i'm excited to be a fan a friend and hopefully we get to do stuff together too but uh this was beautiful man thank you so much thank you thank you for having me i wanted to come on this is this is beautiful this is brilliant i hope we hope we do it more and i can't wait to have you one i'm very excited now that you're coming to l.a we're gonna have you on it's gonna be amazing [Music] you