Video summary
In this discussion, Ryan Long introduces a humorous yet insightful theory regarding gendered dynamics in relationships, specifically contrasting how women and men handle non-sexual friendships. He posits that when girls place guys in the "friend zone," they are essentially treating them as little brothers or platonic companions who represent the lowest rung on the sexual ladder; this is described as the male equivalent of being placed in a friend zone by a woman. Conversely, Long argues that the male counterpart to this dynamic is what he terms the "grandmother treatment." In this scenario, men treat women with extreme politeness and detachment regarding any form of sexuality or physical attraction. Under grandmother treatment, conversations are strictly devoid of sexual topics; if a man mentions something intimate like masturbation, the response might be as mundane as discussing pregnancy statistics, effectively neutralizing any romantic tension through sheer lack of engagement in those subjects. The podcast explores who typically employs this "grandmother" strategy and identifies co-workers and ex-girlfriends as primary candidates for such behavior. Long suggests that many men adopt this persona with female colleagues to avoid making enemies or appearing predatory in a city like Austin, where there are plenty of attractive women available but also significant social risks associated with being too forward. This dynamic is particularly prevalent among "friend-ex-girlfriends," who often maintain a pleasant and nice demeanor while completely detaching their sexual interest from the relationship. The speaker notes that under this treatment, men act as if they have left their penis outside the room entirely, avoiding even subtle comments on appearance or engaging with extreme political opinions held by these women, thereby positioning themselves strictly as safe, non-threatening "gay best friends." A specific anecdote illustrates the absurdity of maintaining such a facade when faced with undeniable physical attraction. Long recounts an incident at the gym where he saw a friend's ex-girlfriend wearing a crop top that revealed one nipple due to heat and discomfort. Despite being visibly aroused by the sight, his reaction was to deflect immediately rather than acknowledge her attractiveness or make any sexual comment. Instead of engaging with the situation directly, he pointed out something else entirely, such as a dog nearby, effectively letting someone else handle the interaction so she wouldn't know he had noticed. This behavior exemplifies the "grandmother treatment" in action: acknowledging presence and being pleasant while rigorously suppressing any internal or external acknowledgment of sexual desire to maintain social safety and platonic boundaries. The conversation also shifts to broader observations about how men and women process their thoughts regarding potential partners, highlighting a perceived double standard in emotional defense mechanisms. Long shares an observation that men often treat their own aggressive or lustful thoughts toward friends as if they are dealing with an abusive ex-boyfriend, refusing to defend those impulses because society expects them not to be "that guy." In contrast, women tend to defend their weird or intense thoughts about others more readily, citing articles that normalize behaviors like drunk-texting exes. This disparity suggests a cultural pressure on men to suppress and hide their desires while women are granted more latitude in expressing their internal fantasies without judgment, even when those thoughts involve close friends of the opposite sex. Throughout the segment, Long weaves these relationship dynamics with observations about social performance, drawing parallels between dating strategies used by his friend group and tactics employed by rappers like Drake and Kendrick Lamar to dodge questions. He notes that both groups utilize a "groggy tired guy" persona to avoid deep conversations or difficult topics, pretending not to be in the room or barely knowing their own names to deflect pressure. This performance art serves as another layer of social defense mechanism, similar to the grandmother treatment, where appearing disengaged or forgetful prevents others from pushing for intimacy or demanding answers. The discussion concludes by reinforcing that these strategies—whether through feigned exhaustion or polite detachment—are sophisticated ways individuals navigate complex social landscapes while managing expectations and avoiding unwanted romantic entanglements.
Read the full video transcript
I had a I had a funny theory that um you
know how girls put guys in friend zones
right um so people say well what's the
guy version of that right and the guy
version of that is grandmother treatment
so if like so a girl puts a guy in a
friend zone because for girls like
that's a you know male friend is like
really the most nonsexual thing like you
know whereas a guy you'd be like yeah I
[ __ ] I could be friends with a girl
[ __ ] but like the guys see friends is
higher so girls when they treat a guy
like a friend it's very like a little
brother like a friend those are like
like very no the least sexual that's the
lowest run whereas guy version of that
is grandmother so you would never talk
about anything real you would never talk
about anything sexual and you I'm sure
you have women in your life like that
you're like oh how's it going like you
know they be and if they ever said
something sexual like oh that guy's hot
you're like yeah he seems to be doing
pretty good like you would never engage
with anything sexual she'd be like I'm
masturbating you'd be like speaking of
pregnancy uh Nancy's having another kid
like you would never engage in anything
like sexual
yes the grandmother treatment is the guy
version of friend zone but when does
that get deployed who uses that ever I
would say uh where do I play friend
grandmother treat I would say a lot of
people that are like your co-workers for
example right okay you know of all of
the female co-work as you I would say
okay I'm there's no way to like okay I'm
sure listen you're a good-look guy girls
like you obviously I would imagine that
if you show up to a city like Austin
there's plenty of girls that are like
around that you would probably make a l
lot of enemies if you just like ran
through a bunch of the hot girls in a
city so you're smart enough to not do
anything like that you're not that guy
anyway but like friends girl friends
friends ex-girlfriend whatever [ __ ] like
that exactly right so you so you would
probably just not do that stuff because
orir that's actually a really [ __ ]
good one so so you would treat them like
the way you treat your grandmother
that's so funny you're actually really
right I'm now starting to find like
little pockets of of girls that fit into
that friends exgirlfriends are a big one
like friends exgirlfriends is the
perfect grandmother treatment you get
all grandmother treatment you're very
pleasant to them you're very nice
basically sort nice to them you've
detached your penis and like left it
outside the penis is not in the yes it's
so gone you're actually and opinions you
might not tell them opinions either so
the grandmother treatment is gay best
friend that's basically what you're
trying to position yourself as yes
you're like talking about oh your hair
looks lovely and like Isn't it nice
outside he best friend would probably
drift into the
M your hair looks lovely but if she ever
said if okay if your uh if your
grandmother ex-friend or if she was like
gave you a really extreme political
opinion right and it could be it could
literally be like uh you know like this
Hitler guy's actually the man you'd be
like everyone has good points like
there's no way you're not engaging don't
engage at all with anything yeah I know
exactly what you mean yeah there was a a
time when I was in the gym not too long
ago and one of my friends ex-girlfriends
uh like had this crop top thing on and
took a crop top off huge fake boobs one
nipple was out and I was like [ __ ]
hot day today isn't it and like have you
seen there's a dog over there and I I
didn't even tell her I was like I'm
going to let someone else I'm going to
let somebody else sort of she walks away
that was like a bad friend thing to do
but it was like the almost the
secondhand sort of Grandmother like I
can't I can't not I can't I there's no I
don't want anyone to know that I've seen
your boob I don't want you to know I
don't want me to know I definitely don't
want to address it sing Single titty
one one titty that that but no that's a
really that's a really great point the
friend zone thing is so I mean it's
become like people yeah they go oh
what's the female equivalent that's what
it is in my opinion yeah friends
ex-girlfriends or and current friends
girlfriends and [ __ ] like that and like
the Orbiter thing or like people that
your boys you know that your boy fancies
her so you're like I'm [ __ ] I got to
do this yeah the only thing you're
talking about is how sick he
is yeah the gay best friend thing comes
in again yeah dude great [ __ ] uh one
kind of other quick one just about that
was there was sort of I was thinking
about there's this girl that I knew that
she said she was like a I knew the girl
and the guy and they were friends
forever and um then they were then they
ended up being together but they've been
friends for six years and someone was
like why were you uh what took you so
long and she goes honestly you never
even crossed my mind and I was like that
like stuck with me where I was like no
guys you know it crossed his mind you
know what I mean like no guy's known a
woman for six years and it's like it's
never crossed your mind and I was
thinking about I think that like men
treat our thoughts like a men treat our
thoughts sort of like a friend that's a
piece of [ __ ] that's like yo you should
try to [ __ ] that girl and you're like
we're not you're not doing that he's
like yo we should party tonight you're
like I told you I'm having like three
beers like and women treat their brains
like an abusive ex-boyfriend and they
defend it because they'll write about
like articles being like it's actually
pretty reasonable to be drunk texting
your ex so
so because guys thoughts are more
aggressive so they're like yo do all and
you're like we know we don't defend our
own brain cuz we're like this guy's this
guy's too much man like whereas girls
like they defend their thoughts like
there's no I'm not weird for thinking
this your best friend's brother actually
could be the right guy for you yeah they
write the article defending the crazy
[ __ ] that they're thinking yes [ __ ] so
that that's my other one dude I I think
that the I can't stop thinking about
that grandmother thing about grandmother
treatment [ __ ] real I've kind of I
you know what the I had a old saying
that me and my friends used to say
forever that just came back it kind of
just grandmother dream reminds me of it
not related but I said we used to always
joke that when um like you know if
you're dating a girl and it's been like
3 or 4 months and she's kind of like
what is this we used to always say our
one friend was an expert at it you play
the groggy tired Guy where you're kind
of like oh maybe like talk about this
tomorrow it's kind of like like an
employ or like an employee being like
you know we said we're going to talk
about the race you're like I to you know
what time is it even like I'm you
basically act like you're really
groggy like in the morning like okay
[ __ ] no I down to have this
conversation I was [ __ ] like very
forgetful yeah you act like you're just
so groggy right and we said one friend
was like always looking groggy so he
could never get into like you know he'
never get tricked into a relationship
because he's so groggy but it's like a
joke we used to say but then I was
watching like U interview I I was
watching a lot of the like stuff the
interviews with rappers when I was
getting into the Drake and Kendrick
stuff because I'm from Toronto and I was
saying all rappers do the groggy tired
guy to every question like if you watch
like no jumper like Adam TR to and stuff
they'll be like you know where were you
the night of this and he's like [ __ ]
I don't even yo why you asking what like
every rapper Dodges every question by
doing the groggy tired man I was like
it's kind of brilliant you Dodge every
question and you act by pretending like
you're not in the room you're like what
I don't even I barely know my name right
now like I can't that seems like a lot
for I
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