Is It A Red Flag If A Man Doesn't Have THIS?

Can you read that? >> I'm going to get up close. Let's see. I was I was wondering as a man, do you stand out from other men when you own your own home? Does it make your chances of having intimacy go up? >> Owning your own home. You know, it's interesting. Um I remember this was 20 years ago when I was going through my divorce and I was actively dating. There were a lot of women said, "I wouldn't date a guy who doesn't own a home." >> I have heard that, yeah. >> And and at the time, I mean, I'm going through a contentious divorce, financially I'd gotten, you know, I'd lost my high-end corporate job, you know, we sold our house in the divorce. Um I mean, I did at the time briefly have money in the bank before the market crash. Yeah. Um I felt I don't want to say resentment, but I felt a judgment that if I didn't own a home, I was less than. >> Mhm. >> And so, um to to Ms. Smith, uh or Al Smith, um oh, maybe this is a gentleman who wrote this. Um >> so. >> You know, here's what I did learn. Most I mean, that was the exception not the rule, the judgment. >> Yeah. >> But I mean, but I would say there was enough percentage to say it was noticeable. >> I you know, and these days, you know, you can own own a home and still be leveraged to the hilt and not have much equity in it, right? So, there is that. But um >> By the way, a home these days I think is a is a albatross in some ways. >> Well, I mean, you know, I spent 2 years in Mexico living in Mexico and it was nice to be able to just get up and leave, you know. You know, you know. >> Um sign off all my things and say I'm going to go, you know. Um but I I think that the I I think the days of oh, he must own his home are kind of gone. I think that there's so um many more values that we may be attracted by that that the owning of the home it might be a piece of it. It's a nice it you know, it's it's a nice piece to indicate um solidity or >> Yeah. >> uh foundation, I guess maybe. But um but I don't think it's it's on everyone's mind. >> Well, and also, you know, you can be I I if if if this is a gentleman, and by the way, thank you for the donation as well. Is that um is be you know, this is a great opportunity to build some intimacy with someone by being vulnerable and sharing, you know, if you're not a homeowner right now and the fear you have around that. I think, you know what? To some degree, I know I criticize women for maybe rejecting men for vulnerability. Although, you were saying the complete opposite. Um I think giving a chance for someone to hear how you feel about this subject, >> you know, can build a deeper connection with someone. I think we'd even talked about it in our early stages. We talked about home ownership and where we're at in that space. So, I I love that question. Thank you so much. By the way, if anyone wants to join us on the love seat or join us live, I'm going to post a link. We'd be more than happy to have a dialogue with you right now. So, um By the way, Michelle jumped in earlier and shared that um great conversation for me to make effort a solid heart connection. I needed the physical piece. My 32-year-old 32 marriage ended with my husband's death suffering from ED since he was in his 30s. And she goes on to say ED shouldn't end physical intimacy. Sexual expression might change, but should not end it. >> Absolutely. >> I'm going to say something that's probably going to be offensive, but I've always said, "Well, if my my erection didn't work, my tongue always gets harder." >> [laughter] >> I'm sure I've offended some people there, but um >> Look, you know, I I've I've been in relationships where ED was very present. >> Yeah. >> And um and I think it's not necessarily uh that it happens, but I think it's how you work with it. >> Yeah. >> And, you know, there are other means and other ways to be physically intimate. >> Yeah. >> Um and I think that a lot of men let's just say, you know, midlife and and on um they're you know, the struggle is around their identity. >> Yeah. >> And and the their sexual identity has always been a very important piece of who they are. >> doubt about it. >> So, when ED strikes it feels like uh you know, to their whole entire identity. And and, you know to have to reinvent oneself in terms of their identity you know, at this stage in life feels like a daunting task, but it is worth the juices. To me, the sexual identity is in the sacred communication. It's in the intimacy. It's in the real solid connection that two people can have. >> Well, I think to some degree and you beautifully said, babe. Um I think to some degree men are being called to lean into building that emotional muscle, if you will. And that ability to be vulnerable, that ability to share from their heart, that ability and first off, I think both men and women are being called to emotional maturity and relationship skills. I mean, this is why there's so many books around, you know, like the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, you know, uh my book What the Heck is Self Wait, wait, wait, I got to I got to give myself a plug for a second. What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway, a Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help, and Spiritual Work. My book's listed below. Um thank you for allowing me that. Um also like The Hoffman Process or Wired for Love. All of these books are, you know, I I really would love to see more men reading these books and learning about attachment theory, learning about compassionate communication, because this isn't [ __ ] that we're taught. You know, we're not taught how to be evolved beings. I was telling you this morning I I I was sharing with you how I thought how delicate, you know, we humans are and how messy we are, you know, uh and and I was sharing with Paula this morning about the thing that triggered me last night was a really a reflection of my mother that goes back, you know, 60 years ago or 50 years ago, anyway. So, um hey, um Ursula just jumped in and said, "You cannot build love. Love is You cannot build love. Love is not a verb, it's a state of your soul. You can build relationship, but a relationship does not equate to love. Relationships come and go. They are based on benefits." >> Mhm. >> So, I read that and I'm like, "Yeah, you know, I I think love is a state of being." And I I I kind of agree with that, you know, I mean, we say build love. Even my thumbnail says, "How do you build love or build intimacy?" >> Yeah. >> Um but I >> have heard the words love is a verb >> Yes. Yes. >> And um and I'm a little stuck on that because I think that there that uh um You asked me early on >> Mhm. >> a question and it really struck me and it took me a second because I really had to process it. Um and and the question was do you want to be loved? >> Okay. >> Or do you want to love? And my first reaction was of course I want to be loved. >> [laughter] >> And then I started thinking about it and I was like, you know what? It's it's not necessarily that I want to be loved. We all want to be loved. We all want both. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> But I really started thinking about what does it feel like to love in that deeply connected way where my soul is connected. And and to Ursula Ursula is that is that who it was? >> Yeah. >> Um was saying Ursula I think is it. >> Ursula Ursula Bella. Ursula Bella. >> Um that uh that it is a state of your soul that is a feeling that and and and but yet there is a verb there is a sort of action that comes from that. >> So it's a feeling state but it's also like a sending out of a signal. >> So when I when I asked you that question it's cuz I saw a meme that said, do you want to be loved or do you want to love? And and I was reflecting upon it myself because >> by the way ended up being I want to love. >> You want to like be the giver of love in a way. >> in that place of my soul that feels so deeply about another person. >> That you give love. And and and I I do I want to say give and receive. And what's interesting because I probably when I look at my past relationships I didn't feel loved. So >> when I answered the question it's like I want to be loved, you know. Now, now it's not that at the expense of me giving love, either. >> Yeah. >> But, I I felt like I've been deficient in that area. So, when I answered the question, it was like I want to be loved. >> Yeah. >> Uh and and I was kind of grateful that you said you wanted to be the giver in that regard. And and believe me, we we give we're our reciprocity is >> Yeah. >> a mutual exchange with one another. But, what was interesting is it was telling me that you weren't going to be the with like you wouldn't be withholding love. >> Yeah. >> And I know for those of you that have are an anxious attacher like myself, or at least that was my previ- you know, my default, uh and if you've been with an avoidant, it can be excruciatingly painful to be someone who isn't emotionally expressive, that isn't initiating. It's not They might respond to I love you by saying I love you, but they're not initiating that act of love. Maybe maybe in the way of acts of service and such like that. >> Yeah. >> But, there's this there's this holding back from the uh and I'm just I'm not talking about you being an avoidant or anything like that. I'm just aware of how that can feel. So, um but, at the same time, you know, it was a great question for us to explore because really we both agree that it's in the reciprocation >> Yeah. >> of giving and receiving. And the capacity to receive is just as important. You've said to me a bunch of times, "Can you receive right now?" And I'm like, "Ah!" I'm like, you know, I'm like I'm like I want to receive, but I'm having up the, you know, like all these mother wounds and [ __ ] like that popping up. >> So, to Isabella's question, um do I Do you believe that love love can build? >> I I like the idea that she's going is that a relationship is something built and that love is the through line. >> Oh, yeah. >> It's not you like love just Remember I Okay, I don't know if you remember this. I said this I was I was driving the other day and since being in relationship with you, I mean like I have this abundance of love inside of me. It's like overflowing and I'm like I was driving. I saw someone walking down the street and I'm like I'm giving you love and I saw someone else and I'm giving No, you know what it was? I saw a person that was disabled and I was like just sending that person so much love. And I was thinking that in this our relationship, I have this just abundance of love that I can give everybody love and still have plenty for you if not more. >> Yeah. >> And and there's this belief that love is like portioned out and I'm like no, we have the capacity to like coming back to Isabella's point, we have this gigantic capacity with us, but a relationship Wait, what did she say? You know, um >> Relationship can be built. >> They're based on benefits. Well, relationship is you know, there's a there's a transactional component to relationship. There's expectations within relationship. You expect me to be honest. >> Yes. >> Okay, so I mean like you I mean well and we can In other words, there is I you expect you know, um integrity, authenticity, loyalty, all these things. So in a relationship that you you know, you you if my my you expect my actions to match my words. Not when I say expectation, it's it's like Look, if I was inconsistent in this area, you would probably go man, I I don't want to be in this relationship. >> Right. >> It's not ex It's It's the It's the basics that I'm talking about in the form of expectation. Um and that's really more about our shared values and such. So, I do believe that a relationship is something you build that you don't need to build love. It's It's Now, Okay, let's differentiate the word love. >> Okay, how about grow? >> Well, so >> Oh, no. Hear me Let me Let me finish this. So, I I be you know, I don't know you. So, I'm not in love, but I start to like you. I start to like you. And then that like starts growing into love. I think love can grow. Grow. >> Yeah. Okay. >> The attachment of love can grow with another person. But, I agree a relationship is something you build. I'm just going with it, okay? >> Yeah. Okay. >> All right. >> The only the the thing that I was I was bouncing off of there was that, you know, with you with your layers of of tolerance and >> Oh, the love scale. >> The love scale. I think that's where building does come in and I I and I say this because we are over a year into our relationship and it feels better every day. >> Okay. Again, I'm going to argue with you. Disagree. It grows every day. It's not built. It just grows. The love scale The word scale is about scaling up, growing with it. You're not building it. You're And I know this is like semantics with the words, you know? So, we're playing with you here, Isabella. >> Yeah. >> Um just so you know, I I sat with um um you know, a thought a while back is that when couples have differences, you know, and you know, when you're first having a difference, um a difference might feel like an ick. >> Yeah. >> It It might feel like a frustration. It can feel like a you know, like a you know, like a a rebellion a rebellion. >> yeah. >> And so, what happens and when you have an ick is if you stay in that resistance, that's a block to love. >> Yes. >> Okay. So, then you might go from ick to tolerance of it, okay? Like I I don't really like it, but I'm going to tolerate it, okay? And then tolerance >> really hard to get off the ick. >> [laughter] >> Well, yeah, there's no doubt, but but um well, you and you and you might move on >> move on because >> And by the way, some of the most ridiculous icks I've heard, you know, are like, you got to be [ __ ] kidding me. Okay, so now you take this ick and you go to tolerance. What's above tolerance is understanding of what the difference is. >> Yes. >> Okay? When you reach a place of understanding, you're moving up the scale of love. And when you can get from understanding to acceptance, okay? Well, now you're in a you're in a state of love. You're in a state of you know, you're in a when you're in acceptance, you're in a state of love. >> Okay. Well, you're closer to it. >> Well, >> You might just be accepting something and going, yeah, okay. It's just the way he is. >> Well, no, I'm not No, because then that's tolerance. >> Okay. >> something and you don't like it. That's tolerance. Acceptance is a surrender to saying, okay, I accept this. Now, if you really want to go up the love scale, you get to a place of appreciation. And if you really want to go up the love scale, you go, [ __ ] I adore that difference, you know? That's the Harry Met Sally moment. So, this was just it's something in a book that I'm working on called the love scale, and it's about the recognition that love grows in a scale. >> Yeah. >> And we can bounce around from that, you know, within that space. Uh Juliet Julie says, um "I love your program and transparency about relationships. Thank you for teaching me so much." Well, we're thankful, very grateful. By the way, if you're grateful, donate to the Connor Asay Scholarship Fund. Um You know, folks, one of the reasons why I wanted you to be on Well, I'm talking to right now, but why I wanted Paula on and it's and some people say, "Oh my god, you guys give TMI. You're sharing too much. You're oversharing." Believe me, there are thousands of conversations you are not privy to. You're privy to 1 hour out of 170 hours of conversations we have every, you know, couple, three, five days, you know, kind of thing. Um is that I genuinely feel as though what we're experiencing between us is special. And and and very few There are very few people talking about talking from their heart, couples really talking from their heart about their relationship. And and I'm like, we need, you know, like we need role models. Role models. We need to see evidence of it. So, maybe we go overboard by, you know, giving a lot more in that regard, but it's it's a Well, look at it. There's Tik Tok reels that are for, you know, 3 seconds and there's Instagram reels. >> It's not real life and we are in real life here and it's, you know, it is something that we display with open heart, you know, in hopes that people find love. >> Yeah. >> People find love. >> And and EB says, "Uh I agree that love is a state of being, but it's also expressed in a verb form. It's carrying out a commitment, whatever relationship dynamic, romantic, friendship, family, or self." You know, I hear love is a verb, love is not a verb. I mean, I I have to go back. Hey Google, tell me what a verb is. >> [laughter] >> It's an action. >> Oh, shoot. It's going to talk right now. >> [laughter] >> If I ask >> There was there was something up up midway through, I think we missed. >> Oh, that was uh EB also said, "If both people aim to love, then they'll be taken care of." You know, it's interesting. I I genuinely think about like I don't I mean, it's almost a natural reaction, but I I think of ways of how to make your life better. >> Okay. >> You know, it could be simple like, you know, believe it or not you're that water was somewhere else and I put it here for the for the I think it was in there and I brought it here, you know, so you had it. And and it's it was almost it's now become just a natural reflex because I want your life easier. And you do the same for me a hundred times a day, you know, I'm not this isn't singular. And and I I think it's because I want like I genuinely want you to be happy. >> Yeah. >> But you know, and and I'm thinking about all those you know, videos about men will do this and men will do that and women will do this and women do that. But you know, that sounds all good in theory, you know, [clears throat] talking about it. >> Yeah. >> But I'm actually experiencing it, but not like I'm not consciously thinking about it. It's just a na- it's like almost a uh involuntary action. Is that right? >> I mean, I think for >> Conscious competence all that stuff. >> Yeah. Yeah, conscious incompetence. I think for me I uh I feel like the um my nervous system is at peace with you and um I can just be myself. >> Mhm. >> And for me what ends up happening is I just have more reveal of me. You hold up a mirror to me and you call me out on the table for that. >> Oh god, I'll call you out on your [ __ ] >> Um but yeah, but I'm I'm I'm I am thankful for that. Like I'm in complete, you know, um receivership of it. And uh I you know, I just I I I watched some of my friends and relationships and things like that and there's a lot of need for control and and their expectations, you know, are not necessarily coming from love. And I and I said this to you early on and and it is really truly has been our through line, which is always come from love. And I think that if if the world could get behind that in their relationships. And I'm talking about relationships [clears throat] that are romantic or friendship or family or even just yourself. Like the way you talk to yourself in the mirror even. Like have a love affair with yourself before you can have it with someone else. My point is that, you know, the way we speak to our significant other or even to ourself can be not coming from love, let's just say. >> All right, can I play devil's advocate for a second? And this isn't like I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot as a dating coach. You know, I I think of the dozens of people I met before you. I didn't feel emotionally safe. >> Well, then someone wasn't coming from love. >> Um, well, they would probably say they were coming from love. Now, we didn't get far enough there. Okay, we didn't get in those circumstances, I don't think we ever got far enough. >> So, how much of this do you think was based on expectation? They expected you to >> You know what made You know what was interesting? I I had no attachment to the outcome when we first started talking with each other. >> I. >> Yeah, with you and I. And and and when we were like I like I mean, I wasn't I wasn't looking to get laid. >> Right. >> I wasn't looking for I wanted a relationship, but I mean, I had no expectation of an outcome with you. And I was like, "Oh, I'm just going to be myself with you." You even jokingly said, "God, he's becoming my non-gay best friend." In the In the In the way that I communicate emotionally speaking. I You know, there was a freedom that began our relationship that so often, and I've said this in videos before, you know, the ex- you know, there's you know, the expectation of entertainment, romance, physical connection, attraction. It's this grand expectation that again, in the expectation men are supposed to climb to the highest room in the tallest tower, and women are supposed to seduce men with their attractiveness, and I'm not in agreement with that, but you know, it's all of these darn expectations that are all so performative based. >> And if they just came from >> from love. >> I say come from love, come from presence, come from curiosity, seek understanding. >> Yeah. Be vulnerable. >> Be vulnerable. Seek understanding. Really? Like, are you in here because you're wanting you know, your rescue fantasy to take place, and he's the guy who's going to take care of you and sweep you off your feet, or are you seeking to understand that this is a person you really want to connect with >> Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got to jump in cuz you brought in the rescue fantasy. You know, if you're in a state where you're needing to be rescued, you're operating from a place of desperation. >> Totally, but what I'm saying is that's where the expectations come in. >> Yeah, and I would venture to say, and no disrespect, that you know, we're walking wounded emotion- we're a walking wounded population of zombies from an emotional wounded space, and we're looking for love. Like, I mean, here in the United States, we're suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And we're suckling on victim consciousness as the through line. Not everybody, but this is why I'd like to think the reason why it, you know, worked for us is that we did a shitload of work on ourselves before we ever, I mean, um, well, I mean, we dated other people, too. So, it's not like, I mean, you know, but we did a lot of work on ourselves so we could be in a space where we could talk about our feelings and our emotions in a way that can be seen, heard, and understood. And, you know, so few people do that and particularly women are disappointed because men are way behind women in this capacity. Except women men women might be good at vomiting their emotions, they're still not good at delivering it. >> Well, you know, I've talked to a lot of them. You >> I do. By the way, I want to give Julie a big props and thank you for the $20 super sticker. Thank you for the love. We appreciate you. Thank you both you and um um Al. As well. I think it was a gentleman. >> have a fan in there I saw backing up Dakota. >> Oh, Dakota made Thank you, Dakota. We appreciate this. [laughter] You can You can say my name is Dakota, I'm a big fan. Well, we're grateful for that. >> And um Dakota says that uh he or she is a big fan of self-love. >> Okay, yes, yes, yes. Hey, we've got time to take another question or two before we wrap up. I'm going to close that because my class is >> to come in bouncing off the walls. >> That's what I'm getting. >> So, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after. >> So, you know, I think the the um the question of communication around sex, just kind of put a little bow on everything the sex communication. >> I believe that it should be transparent from the get-go and that um and I see this. There's There's a lot of groups I belong to and stuff that will talk about, you know, that men in their profile list, you know, physical intimacy as one of their love languages and they you know, they believe it to be >> Physical touch, you mean? >> Physical touch as their love language and they they believe it to be code for sex. And I believe that we that and and there may be some truth to that. There's no doubt. Again, we're all seeking connection and for men that's how they get, you know, sex is their their three-way to connection. But I think that um we're so busy um looking down our nose at the men saying that that we're missing the point that connection is trying to be made. And I and I really want to >> like I >> I and I just want to >> Okay. >> say my sentence again that sex >> is sacred. >> should be a sacred communication. >> So it's almost like these day these days these days um from a dating perspective particularly a lot of the advice in the forums and the groups out there is just like, you know, particularly against men. Against men it's that we're guilty, you know, and maybe before proven innocent, but we're guilty and and you have to be looking for all the clues of how bad they are and I get it. Look at I would venture to say nine out of 10 people you meet are not going to be right for you to begin with. >> Yeah. >> You know, but beyond the uh emotional dysfunctionality that exists out there. But here's the thing. You know, um dating does trigger the num dating and relationships trigger the number one emotional health wound most humans experience. >> Okay. >> I was waiting for the same thing. >> I'm like, what? >> Uh emotional health wound, I believe is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. >> Okay. >> Dating and relationships can trigger this [ __ ] like nobody's business. But you know the beauty of a trigger? >> Tell me. >> And by the way, we learned this at Hoffman. Triggers are like, yay, it's a good thing. Because when you're triggered, it means there's something to work on. >> Yes. >> And if your trigger, if dating or frustration in dating triggers the I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable, then guess what the antidote is? Self-love. Like it's, you know, dating is a great opportunity, dating and relationships are a great opportunity for an individual to grow and and to learn communication skills, to build their emotional maturity. But as I said earlier in the video, you know, if if we're suckling on the nipple of I'm, you know, I'm I'm a victim here. How many people operate, we were talking about a someone I know that was operating from victim consciousness. >> Yeah. >> And and when you're operating from victim consciousness, it's like, what's the hammer and the nail thing you always say? >> If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. >> exactly. So, and and beautiful 31131 says, you know, yes, being triggered is so good. It means it's time to heal. It means you got some [ __ ] to work on. >> work on. And the breakdown is the way to the breakthrough. >> Yeah. So, you know, for those that are sitting on forums and watching videos and you're swimming in the victimhood of what's going on, I promise you, you're going to stay single, you know, till the day you die, until you shift and go, you know what? Most men are good guys, they're just bad daters, and most humans want love, and if we can come from a place of compassion and understanding and vulnerability and curiosity and presence and friendship is the foundation, I guarantee you're going to have a much greater chance for success. >> Yes. >> You're in agreement? >> Totally. >> Okay. Well, good, cuz I'm I'm I'm I'm expelled, you know. >> You're done and done. >> Yeah, I'm done and done. Okay, [laughter] I we'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Do us a favor, post a comment below. We do our best to read these all in the first 24 hours. As always, you find value in the videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to the channel. Hit that notification bell so you can be notified new videos. And if you want to connect, there's links below both to get the books I recommend and to connect with me directly. Um and if um click the link to coaching to see if coaching is right for you. Hey, I want to thank those of you that donated tonight, Julie and Al. Thanks so much for the love. We really appreciate you. Um oops. And what else? You know, we appreciate all the comments. We appreciate the love. Thanks so much. >> Thanks to >> I'm going to end this video the way I always do lately is giving you a big hug and kiss. >> [laughter] >> Thank you. Thanks, everyone. Wishing you all a good evening. Bye now. >> [laughter] >> I know that was awkward.