Video summary
The video addresses the prevalent issue of idealized portrayals of Christian dating on social media, arguing that influencers often present a fantasy version of relationships that hides the difficult realities involved. The speaker admits to having previously painted a rose-colored picture but emphasizes the need for honesty regarding the struggles single people face when transitioning from an idealized online image to the messy reality of actual dating. This discrepancy causes doubt and jealousy, leading individuals to question whether they are doing things correctly or if their relationship is truly Christian. To combat this, the speaker outlines five brutal realities that most couples encounter, aiming to prepare viewers for these hardships so they do not feel discouraged when they arise.
One of the primary challenges discussed is the intense difficulty of maintaining sexual purity amidst temptation and raging hormones. The speaker notes that while believers are taught to avoid sexual immorality, the physical attraction to a partner creates significant internal conflict, making it hard to set and maintain boundaries in real-time situations. Another major hurdle is dealing with "sexual baggage," such as past experiences with pornography or promiscuity, which can cause deep emotional pain known as retroactive jealousy. The video argues that simply telling someone to forgive and move on ignores the weight of this baggage and the need for genuine healing, suggesting that an honest community support system is essential for overcoming these struggles rather than shaming individuals for their pasts.
The transcript also highlights the scarcity of compatible Christian partners and the frustration of feeling disconnected during the dating process. Finding a spouse with noble character who aligns in faith and values is described as incredibly difficult, often leaving singles feeling lonely despite societal messages that singlehood is a blessing. Furthermore, the speaker describes the emotional toll of disconnection caused by long engagement periods filled with wedding planning tasks, which delays the deep companionship and unity couples crave. Finally, the video touches on the growing pains involved in learning to lead and submit, noting that partners must practice these roles while auditioning for marriage, a process that can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings before trust is fully established.
In conclusion, the speaker urges viewers to accept that hardships like temptation, past baggage, scarcity, disconnection, and role confusion are normal parts of the Christian dating journey rather than signs of failure. By acknowledging these brutal realities upfront, couples can better prepare their hearts and minds to navigate them with grace and resilience. The video ends by encouraging an open dialogue about these struggles, inviting viewers to share their own experiences in the comments, while promoting a sponsor that offers community support for those fighting addiction as part of the broader journey toward purity and relationship health.
Read the full video transcript
If you watch Christian social media,
especially on Instagram, you come across
videos all the time about this Christian
couple who started dating and they set
these boundaries and they had this
wonderful magical relationship and
they're trying to tell you how to have
this wonderful magical Christian dating
relationship. And you know, people can
look at it with rosecolored glasses, but
I really do feel like we as Christians
and people who have been through the
process need to be honest about it. And
I mean, I've made the mistake, too, of
painting a picture that is a little bit,
you know, more rosecoled and and pretty
than it actually is because it's a
vulnerable thing to open up about your
own relationship and say, "Hey, like
actually, yeah, we did have like a
Christian dating relationship, like a
Christian relationship, but that didn't
mean that it just went good and it
didn't mean that it just like was yippy
skippy the whole time. There are some
actually really difficult parts of it
that I think we need to be real about
because I know there are single people
sing like you watching right now and I
just want to be real with you because
you can look on social media and see
like these people that have this
idealistic version idealized version
this fantasy version of like what a
relationship is and looks like and
you're like well I really want that
makes you jealous but then you find a
relationship you get in a relationship
and then all of a sudden it's actually
really hard and there's difficult things
and you're like, "Am I even doing it
right or is this even a Christian
relationship?" And it causes you to
doubt. So, in today's video, what I want
to do is I want to share with you five
five things, five kind of brutal
realities about Christian dating that
you go through that most couples go
through. And so then you will be
prepared if you're in a relationship
right now or you're looking to be in a
relationship, you'll be prepared to deal
with these things that it's not like
unusual to have to experience the
hardships of these things, but to know
kind of like what's coming up and and
how to deal with it. Temptation, I think
it's pretty easy to underplay how
difficult temptation can be in in a
Christian relationship. Like we say have
some verses that are like, you know, you
you need to maintain sexual purity and
to avoid sexual immorality and like you
shouldn't have sex before marriage. But
if we're real with ourselves, like your
hor hormones are raging and you have
found this person that you find like
ridiculously attractive, hopefully. If
you don't, don't date them, don't get
engaged, and don't marry them if you
don't find them attractive. That's just
kind of insulting. Like, yeah, I find
you ugly, but you have good personality.
Like, that's just weird. Okay, you know,
God wants you to be one flesh, and that
means the sexual aspect, too. So, if
you're not like sexually attracted to
this person, you know, why are you with
them? Um, but it's like you have these
raging hormones. You want to be
physically with this person. And so,
there's a lot working against you. Of
course, you know, hopefully you're
you're both like further not along in
your faith where you have some
self-control, where you have some
spiritual discipline to know what
boundaries to set. I mean, that was
something in our relationship early on
that we said, "Okay, like what are our
physical boundaries?" But to be honest
with you, I don't think we were specific
enough. like I really don't think we
were because both of us were kind of
like yeah we want boundaries and some
things are just clear red flags but
other things just seem like kind of I
don't know an inconvenience and so one
of the things was like she would come
over to my apartment sometimes because
we both lived alone for the majority of
our dating that wasn't super wise and I
remember on honestly quite a few
occasions where it would be late and
there's that temptation of being like
well you know you should drive home, but
also like it's kind of late and so maybe
you could just like sleep on the couch.
And these things start going through
your brain that like you feel like,
well, a Christian shouldn't be thinking
those things. Of course, it's cut and
dry. That's a very unwise thing to do.
But in the moment, even being the
strongest Christian, even being
somebody, I'm not saying I'm the
strongest Christian, but even being
somebody that portrays himself as a
really strong Christian like I did on
social media too and having all these
standards and then being faced with them
in the moment, man, it's hard to say
like no. It's hard to say cut it off,
like set the boundary. The second brutal
aspect of Christian dating is sexual
baggage. And maybe this is a
conversation that you just kind of don't
need to have. Maybe you guys, you know,
you never struggle with pornography or
sex outside of marriage or sexual
promiscuity and like that's just not
something that you have to deal with and
you've had those conversations and
that's awesome. It's not really an
issue. But in our world where there is
so much brokenness, um it is often a
conversation that needs to happen and it
and it can be a brutal one. You know, to
hear your future husband say that he has
a lifelong addiction to pornography is
kind of a brutal thing to hear. or to
hear your wife say that she's slept with
a couple different people and to realize
that you're not going to be the only one
on your wedding night. Like that is a
brutal thing to hear. There's this thing
called retroactive jealousy that's not
spoken about that that often in the
Christian community. And I think the
reason being is that we don't really
give much weight sometimes to how
painful it can be for your partner to
have had those kind of sexual that
sexual life before you. and we kind of
just chalk it up to, well, they're a new
creation in Christ and so you should
just accept them and just forgive them
and move on. But that doesn't give light
to the real emotional impact of that
baggage on the other person as well.
Sure, there's some other people that
would say, well, just, you know, if this
person has a sexual past and you don't,
like, you know, they're not deserving of
you. just like cast them to the side,
which I think is really ridiculous and a
really toxic way of thinking about a
relationship, especially because a lot
of these men that are saying, you know,
cast these women aside, they've also
struggled with pornography. And so, it's
like, you know, double standard galore.
But what I want to focus on here is like
being real with yourself. Like if you're
going in a relationship, you're in a
relationship right now and like your
partner has sexual baggage, like be real
with yourself about how it impacts you.
I know you probably want to be the
strong guy or the strong girl and say,
you know, I'm a good Christian. I can
just, you know, accept it and forgive
and move on and it doesn't need to
impact me. But like be real with
yourself. Experience the feelings and
and talk through it with the person in
your life, the the girlfriend,
boyfriend. Sex means something. Our
sexuality is is so ingrained in who we
are. And when there's a disruption there
and there's some kind of distortion in
our life, that baggage, it carries
weight. and healing needs to happen.
Either happens now or it's going to
happen need to happen later in your
marriage. Along those lines, when we
talk about sexual baggage, the thing
that often comes up is pornography. And
for a lot of people, they just feel like
they can't break free. Now, I've been
there. But what I found is that you need
an honest community where you can share
and not be shamed for it. And that's why
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Thanks so much to Relay for sponsoring
this video. Now, let's get back into the
video. Brutal reality about Christian
dating. Number three is scarcity. The
reality is it's hard to find a Christian
wife. It's hard to find a Christian
husband. There's a lot of people out
there that you could be in a
relationship with. And when I was a
younger guy, I used to be really jealous
of some of my friends or even people on
social media that would be in in
relationships really early on. But then
you come to realize it's like you don't
want just any relationship. Sure, it
would be nice. You would feel less
lonely maybe, but you don't want just
anyone to build your life with. And you
and you're not really interested in just
kind of this flippant casual dating cuz
that's not what we're looking for. We're
looking to build a life with someone,
serve God with someone, marry, become
one flesh with them. There's a high
standard to that. And I understand and
I've experienced the frustration of
feeling like, bro, there's nobody out
here who I'm interested in. And
sometimes they have the character and
they have the heart and they have the
relationship with God, but you're just
not attracted to them. And that can be
frustrating, too. Proverbs 31:10 says,
"A wife of noble character, who can
find? She is with far more than rubies."
I don't know how many rubies you guys
have come across on the street, but I've
come across exactly zero. It's harder
though. That's just the truth. And
anybody that's telling you that you're
just not like wearing the right clothing
or you didn't go to the right event or
something like that, they're just
missing the point. Yes, absolutely. You
can become more sociable and
approachable and outgoing and put
yourself out there and all those things
are absolutely true, but you can do
everything right and still nobody. I
genuinely wish I had just like a
solution or something to say that would
like help you break through. I don't.
And I guess I just want to encourage
you. While there's a lot of people out
there who talk about the single years
being such a gift and a blessing and
like just enjoy it and all that kind of
thing, you know what? Like I think
that's disconnected from a lot of
people's experience where they can be
really lonely and sad and kind of sucky
times. And as much as yeah, you want to
make the most of it, it's okay to be sad
and it's okay to grieve that time.
Brutal reality number four is
disconnection. When my wife and I were
dating and as we got engaged, I think
one of the biggest feelings that we felt
was just like disconnected from one
another. It felt like we never had
enough time together. we had never had
enough time to like really talk through
and work through all the things that we
wanted to get through. And especially
when it came to wedding planning, it
just was one thing after another after
another after another. And all we truly
wanted at the end of the day was to just
like go home together and be able to
talk in bed together and just be
connected and have breakfast together
and do devotions and all these things
and just be united. Not only just like
sexually, but also like companionship
wise. There's that longing in your heart
to just be connected to one another, but
the distance is real. And that longing
in your heart is good, and I think it
should motivate you to expediate the
dating and engagement process, not more
than what is wise, but you definitely
shouldn't be delaying it needlessly.
Another brutal part of dating is
learning to lead and submit. I can tell
you firsthand that I was not really
equipped or good at this. Like I think
in my teen years I I had some good
moments of leadership and taking control
and and being that guy. But the second I
kind of met my wife and realized that
she was I don't know just kind of like
more opinionated and strong and like she
knew what she believed and knew what she
thought and like I think there was a
level that I was intimidated and also I
didn't want to upset her and so there
were a lot of growing pains in those
months because you know what we kept
missing each other and she wanted me to
take the lead and equally for her
learning to trust me in those leadership
moments like there were a number of
moments where I did take the lead and
things kind of turned out kind
[laughter] of badly and she was kind of
upset about it, but she's like, "Hey, I
I want to trust you and I want to be
able to submit and like, you know," and
obviously in the dating process, you're
not totally in those roles. You're
essentially auditioning for those roles,
but it's good to practice them, right?
It's good to practice them. But in those
moments, I know that for her, it was
like hard for her to learn to trust me.
But as time went on and even into our
marriage, she knows that I'm going to
lead to the best of my ability and
sometimes I'm going to screw up, but she
can trust that my heart's in the right
place and I'm looking out for the best
for our family. I want to hear from you
guys. What's another brutal reality
about Christian dating that I didn't
mention here? I'd love to hear from you
in the comments down below. Thanks for
liking and subscribing because I'm
putting out new videos all the time. And
until next time, God bless.