I Was Raised Mennonite. By 18, I Was in Prison. - Pete Schmitt

And so I decided at a pretty young age, I was like 13 or 14, that I wasn't going to become a Christian until I was ready to be wholly committed. My flesh wanted the world. And so I decided I'm going for the world. I didn't know it at the time, but my brother later told me. He said he had prayed for me that even if it took something really big, that God would do it in my life so that I would change my ways and and become a Christian. It was a huge change. I remember waking up in the morning and seeing bars and just blew my mind. You're used to waking up in a regular bedroom. It just hits you again and again, right? Like, whoa, I'm in prison. I think there was a lot of people that would have or a number of people that were really expecting now Pete's going to change. Like, this experience surely is going to change him. I had so much negative evil stuff that I was watching, listening, and that was just filling me with just darkness. I was making my decisions in life. He wasn't God wasn't responsible. He's somewhere, but he's on the back shelf. I I didn't think about God much at all. I was so convicted of my sins at that point in time. Like I was so uncomfortable. And I think I realized that at the time what was going on was that people at church were praying for me. As I was listening to the preaching of God, there was convictions, real convictions started happening in my life. This is where things really started to shift in my mind. I thought to myself, you know, you've been procrastinating for so long. There's no convenient stopping place. And I just decided right then, I've had enough. I'm done with the old life. I want to follow God and I'm going all the way. >> We're honored to have Pete on for this episode. Before we begin, I just wanted to let you know that this conversation does cover some difficult material and include sensitive topics such as violence, drugs, and mental health. Please use discretion while listening and while allowing others to listen. [music] So Pete, you would have been you would have grown up in old colony Russian Menanite. Uh I think what in Alberta is that correct? Yeah. Tell me about that. >> So I grew up my first about 8 10 years of my life would have been uh in old Colony, but it would have been Ontario, not in Alberta. Uh southwestern Ontario. It's like right close to Detroit. >> Um it was pretty challenging. We were I was a bit of a loner I guess growing up. I when they had a school some calling churches they'll have like a school >> Mhm. that they send their children to. Others will just send them to the public school. But um they had a private school and so I went there and I guess I didn't feel really accepted among a lot of the people that were my age >> which made it tough. But um since we moved away, sorry, I didn't move away. We joined my parents joined a different church. Um after that things went a lot better for myself with that. And uh >> but yeah, it was I mean it wasn't all bad. It was some there was some good things there too, but um it was it was tough. >> So what was your faith like at that point? Like was it real for you or did it feel more just cultural? This is just what we do on Sunday. Tell me about that. >> So I would say it was mostly cultural. Um there's a lot of things I didn't understand at that point that I understand now. I would say very traditional. Um, it seems to me that they still hold on to a lot of the values that they held back in Russia, like when they when they immigrated from Russia to to Canada, the United States. >> Um, say for example, like um >> when we were in Mexico when I was young, um my parents, we weren't we didn't live there. We were just visiting in Mexico. But my parents went to church and I would have stayed back as a young boy. M and so at the time I didn't understand why but then my dad somebody told me that I think it was 11 and under the children don't go to church and I don't know for 100% sure but I think it stems back to Russia because in Russia you were it was illegal for I think 12 and under to go to church >> 11 under 12 and under. Yeah. It was against the law, >> which I heard actually in some of the old countries that used to be part of the Soviet Union, even today, that law is still on the books in some of those places. >> Yeah, >> that's kind of uh that's kind of I don't know, strikes me as a little odd, you know, that they still had that in in Mexico. So, again, this is all old colony that we're describing, right? Did >> did you stay old colony or did that change at some point um growing up? >> Yeah, it would have changed. Um like I said, I was 10 years old. We went to the Kanye setting, but if you don't mind, I'd like to share a little bit more about >> about the old colony there. >> Like I said, there was a common thing that was said often that you um you're supposed to stay with what you've been taught. >> In German, we would say um so even if it wouldn't necessarily line up with the scriptures, we were we were taught to just do as we were told, as we were taught. >> And so therefore, a number of things um how would I say it? It didn't really Yeah, it didn't line up with the scriptures unfortunately. I mean, there were some positive things that they had a lot of good teaching. >> Um, but there were things that were missing, but say for example, like um they would have taught that you cannot know if you're saved. They would not teach assurance of salvation. That's pretty much across the board. >> Um, a lot of the old colony churches would vary from church to church as in the way they do different things. >> Mhm. But the one main thing that I what I the way I understand it is it's the same across the board. You cannot know if you are saved. >> Huh. I I didn't realize that. So So that's just what you would have >> how you would have grown up. Like you just can't know, right? If if if you're saved. Okay. That I guess depending on the person, but >> seems like that could be pretty unsettling. >> It is pretty unsettling. I would say it causes for a lot of um a lot of difficult times for people, depression um because people want to know if they're right with God. >> And if you can't [clears throat] if you can't know that, there's always this worry >> like am I on that day when I see God on judgment day, will I be going to heaven or hell? I don't know. >> So that can create a lot of uncert that can create a lot of uncertainty. >> Yeah. Fear maybe as well. >> Yeah, a lot of fear as well. Um yeah, I've been told that like there's a lot of um a lot of them take anti-depressants because well my my conclusion my what I believe is because of the uncertainty because of the fears and they go into depression. So um a lot of them take anti-depressions which is really unfortunate but um they would um believe that basically you do your best and hope that you make it. M >> um >> I remember one pastor had said that >> you know this the kind of hope that you would have would be similar to a farmer um >> sewing um seed in the field and hoping for a crop. Well, if you think about it, you know, when there's so many different things that could >> that could ruin the crop, like you could have have hail that's out of your control, completely out of your control, right? >> You could have um a drought, not enough rain. There's different things that could like different mistakes that could happen or things that not mistakes different things that happen that could ruin the crop that's out of your control. But with Christianity, if you have assurance of salvation, you don't you we can have confidence that God is going to do his part. >> The things that are out of our control, we just leave them to God and we do what we can to stay on track. >> And so, yeah, it's kind of unfortunate that it is that way. But uh another different thing I would say about the Okalonia I would in a positive side um not necessarily spiritually but like um work ethic um they have an incredible work ethic. >> Um it seems no matter where they where they go they they build up the economy. Um but yeah they would also another good thing that they teach um is that uh fear of God. So there's a lot of people that actually find find God in that setting. Quite a few actually. Um, and why that is is because they teach the fear of God. There's there's people that because of the fear, it drives them to the word of God and they study for themselves and they read and the spirit of God moves. >> And so they find find different things that were missing in the teaching >> um at that church. And so a lot of them leave after they find the truth as far as like assurance of salvation and different things that might be missing. But there's some that stay and really try to help their relatives in that setting. Yeah. I mean it v like I said earlier it varies quite a bit from from from area to area as far as um you know how they practice their different things. What I mean by that is like >> some are would drive horse and buggy, some drive vehicles. Interesting. Okay. I didn't realize there was that level of variety there. >> Yeah. There's quite a bit. [clears throat] So, say for example, if you go to Bolivia, different parts of Bolivia would have horse and buggy also. >> Really? >> Oh, yeah. >> In Bolivia, Bise. >> I don't know why. I just assumed that that would not be the case. Is it a little bit like the the Menanite thing where you had some of the old order Menanites back in the day chose to stick with the horse and buggy and then others were like, "No, we're going to have cars whenever this was 100 years ago or something." Was it a situation kind of like that and some of them just held on to that in the old colony like Yeah. This is totally new to me. I don't I don't know Russian men history like at all. >> Yeah. >> So >> yeah. So some of them like that they would have been the fear of being worldly would have would have kept some of them >> like I said depending on the area would kept them >> to the point where they would have >> um they would hold on to their different things. Like I said they were taught to stay with what you've been taught. And so then therefore like they would really be hesitant to accept new uh modern even equipment like um some some uh farmers would not have a cab for their tractor or for their combine. >> Ah >> they would not they would not do it at all. And then I shouldn't but then again there's some people that do >> they would um you're not also some places you're not allowed to have rubber tires so they'll have steel tires >> but when some of them would uh when it's time for harvest they take the steel tires off put on rubber tires they would get excommunicated for doing it and then when the harvest season is over they would take the rubber tires off put the steel back on and then make things right with the church and then they would be put back into membership again. >> Oh, wow. Wow. >> That's a little bizarre. >> Yeah, it is. >> Again, that's that seems to mirror a lot of the things you see in like what I would be more familiar with within the Menanite circles, you know, I guess more the what would you say the Swiss Menanite branch, you'd have some of those same things, right? The steel versus rubber, um, etc., etc. Again, I didn't realize that. And that's a whole >> not the topic of today's podcast, but the whole Russian Menanite story, the history there. There is so much there. And maybe someday we'll we'll um spend some more time on that. But back to your own experience here. So Old Colony, you're in Ontario. At some point though, you do end up moving to Alberta. Uh where does that come into the story? And is that when you switch from Old Colony to Klein Gami? >> No. So we I did move to Alberta, but I we like I said when I was eight or 10, I think we my parents left and uh joined the sorry the clining mind and I was pretty young at that age >> and then I was um I only moved to Alberta like when I was like up upper well lower 20s. >> Oh, okay. Okay. >> Yeah. So there's a bit of a period before that where where I experienced different things in Ontario. >> Well, let let's go into some of that then. the uh so so there's a switch there. So Kleinmindi which is just another branch of the Russian Menanites if I'm getting that right but you you had told me before when we were on the phone and we were talking about this interview that at age 16 you just stopped attending like you you stopped attending church and so on. What happened? >> Yeah. So just backtracking just a little bit. Yeah. So when my parents went to Clan Money Church, I from about 10 to 15 I attended. And so the youth group that was a part that the youth group in that church was pretty big and they would have like they would do a regular camping uh once a year, youth rally I think they would call it. And so there was a number of my uh friends, I guess they were older, I was a little bit younger than them. A number of them uh decided to follow after God. And I kind of observed them quite a bit, you know, um to see what what what it was all about, right? And then over time, it didn't take too long that there was a number of them that had decided they were going to follow after God. Some quickly turned back to their old ways and then others just kind of like from my observation, what it seemed to me was they they became lukewarm. M. >> And so I decided at a pretty young age, I was like 13 or 14, that I decided I wasn't going to become a Christian until I was ready to be wholly uh sorry, totally committed. Um I didn't want to be I didn't want to be a backslider. >> You cuz you had seen what these other people did and you're like, I don't want to be like that. >> Correct. >> Basically. >> Oh yeah. >> Yeah. >> I mean that makes sense. I Yeah. Okay. >> I mean I'm not saying that my thinking was altogether correct. I don't I don't know. I mean, it's just that's what I decided at that point in time that >> it's selfish and I realized that, but I I decided I was going to sow my wild oats first. >> I was first going to live it up in my for the flesh, right? Um I was going to go party, drink, drugs, um immorality, things like that. >> Um so then I I had a group of friends that I went that direction. And so when I was 16, back to your question there, when I turned 16, I um got my driver's license so I I could then decide for myself usually, not always, but usually where I would go. >> Um so my parents would go to church and I just decided, you know what? Um I want that for in my future, but right now I don't want it. So I don't I'm not going to go to church anymore. Ah, it feels it feels almost like you were looking at this as like a mathematical equation or or something logically like >> like, >> well, I'm going to get there at some point, but you know what? I'm going to >> I'm going to kind of live my life first and and when I'm really serious, then >> I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it seems kind of the essence of what you're describing, right? And so, again, I can >> when I say, "Yeah, that kind of makes sense. I can understand the rationale, but also like I'm sure looking back on that now, you're like, "Oo, yeah, not not the right way to do it, you know." [laughter] But I understand that also >> saying, you know, seeing all these other people that were lukewarm and it didn't seem like it was very real for them. He didn't really want that either. >> Yeah, >> it sounds like, right? >> That's right. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I figured um I didn't want to have a conflict of interest. >> I wanted to be either all the way this way or all the way this way. You know, if you think of Revelations, Jesus said, "I would rather you were cold or hot, not lukewarm." >> Yeah. >> And I just decided then I was like, you know what? I my flesh wanted the world. And so I decided I'm going for the world. >> Um and I in hindsight, I can see that it was very risky because I could have um I could have passed away um at any moment, right? like a head-on collision or it could have been >> there's a couple of different times that I had >> I don't know if you could say a near-death experience but close to it. >> Um then looking back um it's kind of alarming to see how close I came to death and was willing to accept the fact that I'm just going to continue on the way I've been going. >> Can you tell me about one of those situations? I mean, if if not, that's fine. But but yeah, like >> it seems to me >> that if you would go through something like that, that would be a wakeup call and make you change your course. Yeah. But you're saying that's not at the time at least that didn't happen. >> Yeah. So, there was a a short time that I lived in southern Alberta >> and we would go to the it was called a flume. Basically, what it was is a canal. It would be um the one end it was the water would come from a lake and it would go into a river and it was about like 5t wide by about 5t high and so usually there was only about a couple of inches of water flowing and we would take like a big old inner tube and we would ride on that thing and just go down >> or we would just on our trunks we would you know just slide. So just basically it was concrete but on the top of the concrete there was with all the water that had been flowing there was moss. So it was slippery right. So we would often been there and the one time we come there there was a um a fence that had been built and before there was no fence and a bunch of like I don't know might have been 10 20 signs warning us to stay away and I just didn't I was like you know what I know how to swim. I'm fine. Right? Like those are that's for the people that are don't know how to swim or >> aren't aren't strong. Right. Um, and so we went and instead of it being a couple inches, it was probably like two to maybe 3 ft of water flowing and the water was just moving like really really fast. So me and a friend jumped on this inner tube and it was just it was the the canal was probably about the distance that we would ride on the on the uh tube would have been about almost probably half a kilometer to a kilometer. I guess you guys go by miles, maybe a half a mile, >> you know, memory isn't uh perfect on that one, but anyways, so we'd go down in the first stretch, we'd be going pretty, I don't know, super steep, but it' be going down, then it would go straight and it go for a while and then it would go down into the river. >> And so, um, when we got to the last part, there was a lot of white water and the water was just churning like really, really bad. And I was pretty ignorant. I just decided, you know what? I was going to lay flat on the tube, flat out. And so what happened is the tube hit hit the white water and I just I don't know for sure, but I I I I think I might have just skimmed for the first part and then I the water pushed me past the worst part of the white water. But my friend looking at the white water decided that he was going to hold on to this tube and he grabbed it and was holding on to it. right where it was coming down and right where this white water is churning like right at that spot is where he was at. >> And then he was just barely above the water like his um his mouth was probably like 2 in 4 in above the water and he was just holding on for dear life. >> So I was already passed and I was still in white water but it was relatively or was a lot calmer right where I was at. And so me and my brother and his and a friend were standing watching which one of his friend was his sister and they were watching and so we were telling him to just let go and then the water will push you through. >> And he was terrified and he stayed there for quite a while but eventually he let go and the water just sucked him underneath. I figured give it 5 10 seconds he's going to pop back up and he's going to be fine, right? Uh 10 seconds went past and he just he was still under the water. I think it was maybe 20 seconds had passed. His sister starting to freak out and I was as well. So I told my brother, I'm going back in, which was absolutely ridiculous. Like it was a terrible thought, you know, or decision to do is like cuz it was so I couldn't do anything for him. >> Mhm. >> Um and so my brother told me to stay back. I said, I've got to do something because he's dying. And so I swam back and all of a sudden the water got a hold of me and sucked me down. and I started doing flips in the water. Um, I don't I can't even describe how that exactly was because I was it was it felt like I was just um not as fast as a fan would turn, but like super super fast >> like you're in washing machine or something. >> That idea. Yeah, exactly. And so I was swinging with my arms and kicking with my legs trying to um get above the water. It seemed like it made no difference whatsoever. So anyways, um because I was kicking and and swinging my arms so much, I was using up a lot of my oxygen and I was burning it out fast. And so it didn't take very long and I needed air. And so but I had to hold on because I was underwater. And so I was I don't know how long it was underneath there. And it got to the point I don't it got to the point where I decided I realized in my at that time I thought this is where I'm going to die. I'm just this is the this is the end. I've come to the end. There was no thought at that moment. Quickly pray, >> quickly make things right. It was a matter of survival. It was my mind was strictly on surviving this this uh situation. But uh as I was just about to pull in water because there was I was my body was crying out for it so desperately um I was just about to pull in a bunch of water and my head popped above the surface and then I just took a huge gulp of air. I was literally within a second or two just pulling in like an insane amount of water. Um and then what had happened was the white water had pushed me a little bit further along. But another thing that was scared me was there was like concrete blocks. What was creating that white water was concrete blocks in the bottom that were designed to slow this water down and that was causing the churning of this water which would create the white water. Right. And so my head could have easily just smashed up against the concrete and killed me like that. But looking back, um, yeah, that would have been I found it amazing that I was willing to go on in my ins sinful life even though I came that close. >> Like what happened to your friend? Did he get pushed out while you were under or like Yeah. I mean, what >> he he had popped up or he came up >> um I think a little bit before I did. So, he made it as well. We both made it. Um I I had never asked him about it later. It was just um I guess we were I at least was in shock of what had happened and we had just gotten out and there was a truck >> that came racing like just barreling towards us >> and um he was quite quite upset with us that we had gone down here um cuz he knew how incredibly dangerous it was. So yeah, we both made it. Yeah, that's something that you know cuz cuz people tend to think people tend to think well like at least I think I did that if if I ever come close to death or um I'll just quickly make things right >> before then >> and that just didn't happen for you. Like I'm I'm seeing that experience but with coupled with your decision of like >> well at some point I'll make things right later on when I'm ready to be serious. If anything were to happen to you to make you get pretty serious, it feels like what you just described would have done that, but it you're saying it didn't at that point in your life. >> Yeah. >> Wow. >> Yeah. It's it's quite something to >> to to to look back and and think of it in that way, but >> um yeah, it's it's it's when you're in those moments um like I said, you would think that that's the first thing you would be thinking about is to make things right, >> but like I said, you're in survival mode. your mind is >> your mind is so focused on surviving that it does not turn to hey I need to quickly make things right with God or or try to connect with God in these last seconds >> but like even after the event happens okay now we're safe now we're good >> it feels like again that's the moment where you like fall on your knees and confess you know because I could have died there >> obviously but again that's not that's not how the story goes >> that's right I um I I quickly shifted on to I didn't I didn't uh um reminisce or think about that situation a whole lot >> a little bit but then I quickly moved on to to the life that I was living at the time. >> Yeah. >> Um other people might have thought to themselves, you know what, >> I need to really do it now, but for me it was a thing of procrastination. >> Um it was just further down the road. So what you just described and experienced that is basically um God trying to get through to you with a megaphone like pay attention you know listen um you don't change your life what happens next like like where does your story go from there if you're not if you don't change where does that lead you? >> Yeah. Uh, so I yeah, I believe God was trying to get a hold of me at that point in time, but I didn't uh I don't think I really was thinking about it in that way at that time. Um, yeah, I was um, yeah, basically just kind of living it up. But then when I was yeah, I turned 18, then I had a pretty big significant accident that I was a part of or that I was involved with. um on the way I had gone to work that day. I think it was the um August the 31st of 2010, gone to work and then on my way back from work, a friend of mine called me up and asked if I wanted to smoke some weed. And so I was like, "Sure." Um weed was something that I had smoked a lot of in the last couple of years, like 16, 17, 18. Anyway, then we met up and then after that we went to his place and I was pretty thirsty so I asked him for a drink and he all he had was a beer. So I took the beer and just drank about the neck of the bottle which was not a whole lot. But then me and him were going to meet up with some other friends in town later on. And on my way there this was the the sun had already set. It was it was dark. Um, and I was driving along and there was no street lights. I was driving along and I I noticed my phone buzzed and I looked at it. I saw somebody texting me and I just put it back down and changed the song. I looked up and I saw something right in front of me like just right in front of the car. So, I grabbed the wheel and just cranked it to the left like towards oncoming traffic. I saw vehicles coming from the front, but I thought maybe I could squeeze, you know, just between what was ever was in front of me at that point in time and those vehicles, but I wasn't quite quick enough. And didn't know it right at that point in time, but there was a a young man on a on a bicycle. Um, and my the right side of my car hit him from behind. >> I believe I was going probably about 80 kilometers an hour. So, just hit him hard. Um I just remember the shock of what like right after um the windshield shattered and there was so many thoughts going through my mind like immediately after that it was just um and so what I thought what I wanted to do was and which I started to do I slowed down to turn around and as I was slowing down I just just about had come to a stop my mind was just racing. I made one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my life. Um, looking back, I've many times thought wished I hadn't made that decision, but I decided that I was going to leave the scene of the accident. >> Wow. >> Yeah, it's a um looking back yesterday as I was kind of reminiscing, thinking about it. Um, I was it was kind of hard to think about it to realize >> um what I had done at that point in time. >> Um, but it's true. It's part of part of the story. Um, and so I left, called a friend up, and I was really shook up, met up with him, talked for some time. I explained to him what had happened. Um, then went home and told my I think it was my mom. But now I'll jump a little bit to the side of uh him at the scene. >> Somebody had heard Yeah. heard or seen I think I heard the accident and I think pretty much immediately called the ambulance and so the ambulance came there and they picked him up and they brought him to the hospital and I think they found yeah internal bleeding um and head injuries severe head injuries um so they transport him from that hospital to a different one and he was on life support but his his injuries were so bad that even if he were to survive um I don't think he would have ever been able to talk, walk or anything doing I think he would have just been laying there just existing, right? And so the family showed up, his family showed up at the uh hospital and they decided they were going to take him off life support and so they took him off life support and he just passed away. >> At that point in time, I didn't know I didn't know much at all. I just knew I had hit and I was confident I had hit a person, but I wasn't even completely 100% sure. It's hard for me to to remember exactly what my thoughts were at that point in time. I was actually quite sure that I had, >> but anyway, um I told my brother in the morning that I had had an accident and I got my mom to drop me off at work in the morning, got went to work the next day and then lunch break, I was going through my phone, scrolling through Facebook and I saw some of my friends post, rest in peace, mentioned his name and I just connected the dots pretty much right away. this person that I hadn't this person that I'd hit and now I was now gone. Um, that shook me up like nothing ever has shook me up in my life. Well, one of I don't think Yeah, it was it was extremely difficult. Like I mentally and emotionally I was just falling apart. Um, I was at uh at a restaurant with my co-workers and my boss when I when I was scrolling through Facebook and they immediately could tell that I was very different. I was acting really strange. And so they looked at me and they came over to talk to me and I was just like I said, I was just falling apart. So anyway, I went back to work and then uh I tried to work but I couldn't [clears throat] I was just mentally just like I said it was it was in shambles. And so I decided, well, I was I had caught a ride with my boss to work. And so when I got when they were done, we were done work, I just sat in the vehicle for the rest of the day. I don't somewhere I sat and that evening I decided I was going to turn myself into the police. Um, and so I did. Um, which they immediately put me in handcuffs. And then I had an interview with the police and they're just trying to find out what happened, right? And so I told them what had happened and then they transferred me to a prison. Um was a day or two later and then I was in prison in solitary confinement for the I think a day or two and my de my parents yeah my parents bailed me out of jail at the what a couple days later. Um, and so I got charged with at the time was charged with criminal negligence, cause of death, >> dangerous driving, cause of death, >> and hit and run. Um, yeah, those are pretty some significant charges. >> I mean, when you get that, [clears throat] I can't imagine. I mean, not only do you have to deal with the consequences of what you did, but now you have to look at, okay, I mean, there's going to be a prison sentence. your life in a way is kind of over or like your life will never be the same. Yeah, >> for sure. And obviously the family of the victim I >> I can't imagine. Yeah. But >> I mean your your mind must have just been racing this whole time. >> Yeah. It was it was um I was young and I was pretty naive, pretty ignorant. I didn't know what >> to expect really. Um, I had a somebody come up to me and uh tell me that what I was facing. I think it was like a a lawyer of some sort. I don't even know for sure. She came into my the cell when I was in at the uh police station there and she said, "You're going to need to want to hire you're going to want to hire a lawyer." Um, but my dad had told me, "You know what? God will have faith in I wasn't a Christian at this time, but my dad was. >> And he was telling me that um you know what, just have faith. >> God will take care of you. >> So, I didn't hire a lawyer um for the first while. >> Wow. >> Um for the first little bit cuz I just I was so shook up, right? I didn't know I didn't know how to process this all. It was just so massive. It was all so sudden. >> It's so overwhelming. >> Yeah. go from like, oh, I'm going to go hang out with my friends to like >> your whole world is completely changed. And again, obviously for that >> person and their family like I can't imagine. >> Yeah, >> that would be incredibly disorienting. >> Yeah. You know, >> the family was extremely upset. Like very very upset. I can understand that. >> Yeah. >> But they didn't um want and understandably they didn't want have to anything to do with me as far as talking to me or any of my siblings. my my brother had gone over there to try on my behalf tried to apologize and and somebody else that was there, they just sent him off the property. Didn't want anything to do with me. So >> Mhm. >> Yeah. I mean then after I got out, I was on Oh, they I think it was called probation at the time. They would have had um I had a curfew. I was not allowed to drink any alcohol legally >> at all any at all. Um, I was no non-prescription drugs and yeah, they had the funeral then and I I never, of course, I was thinking probably in prison when they had the funeral. >> Um, >> yeah, he was pretty young, too, which made it even worse. It's like 15 years old. >> Yeah. So, I got out of I got out of there out of solitary confinement. Solitary confinement is was shocking to me >> at the time. I'm not like I feel like I deserved everything I got. >> Mhm. Um, I'm not trying to I don't want to look like a victim here. I wasn't the victim of >> being in prison, but um it was just four walls, a bed, um a sink to wash your hands or a toilet, no books, no Bible, nothing. You just had the ceiling and the four walls to talk to except for the guard who would come by every so and so often. Um every hour felt like I don't know, four, [clears throat] six, eight hours. It just the time just absolutely dragged in there. >> How long were you in that in solitary? >> I think it was probably about 2 days. It was about 2 days. But yeah, like I said, I got bailed out and then I went back to work. Um, speaking a little bit about how God speaking to me like in a mega megaphone. Um, I didn't know it at the time, but my brother later told me he was a Christian. He said he had prayed for me that even if it took something really big that God would do it in my life and so that I would change my ways and and become a Christian. And he felt he felt bad. He felt terrible about that because >> you know here he was praying that God it doesn't matter what it takes God just do something in his life. >> And it didn't take long after that I had that accident. >> Oh. >> And so he felt guilty. It's like here here he was praying, right? And I'm not saying he was wrong. I'm just telling you from his perspective, right? >> Oh, but you Yeah, you would definitely >> that that would rattle you, you know, cuz it's like >> again there like your your whole life is going to becomes defined by that a before and an after, you know, and and I'm sure for the rest of your family too. >> And again, yeah, your brother >> that must have taken a little bit to process through because, you know, almost a >> it's just hard to even know what to Wow. I mean like like what happens next? I mean you you get sentenced of I mean you were listing off the things that you were um sentenced. What was the result of that? Like I assume you go you go to prison then. >> Yeah. So I had three charges and then I didn't know how the whole court system worked. I thought within a couple weeks, maybe a month, this could all be figured out. Like I was incredibly ignorant or naive. And so it ended up taking about a year until I actually got until I got a sentence. >> That must have been kind of bizarre year. >> Yeah. I mean it was it was really tough um because not knowing what's going to happen, where is my life going to go, you know, you just waiting for that day, right? And then >> before I got sentenced, the um the way I understand it is the crown attorney was working. This is in Canada, so it's I think maybe somewhat different. It's different >> around here. They we think we call him a prosecutor, but over there a crown attorney. He was uh willing to drop the criminal negligence cause of death and the dangerous driving cause of death. So what had happened was I was driving along the road like I was supposed to be. He was he was on the road like he was not legally on the road. And so therefore, um, I think because of that, they dropped the dangerous driving causes. I wasn't I veered to swerve around him, >> whereas I think technically he should have been on the shoulder. Um, one of my actually one of my co-workers at the time had left the exact same place I had about 2 minutes before me and he was he almost hit him as well. And then his wife had saw the young man on the bike and just screamed, right? And she he hammered the brakes and he just screeching to to slow down and he just about hit him and two minutes later on I come and I didn't see him and and so I hit him, whatever. But going back to your question, so dangerous driving cause of death and criminal negligence cause of death got dropped >> and then I just I pleaded guilty to hit and run because I had turned myself in and I knew that I was guilty of that. So then I got sentenced in October 12 of 2011 to 5 months in prison. >> I didn't know what to expect um before then, but like actually a little while before my lawyer was kind of telling me what was possibly going to be happening, but the crown was looking for a year in prison. And my lawyer, I didn't tell him what to go for, but he decided he was going to go for um house arrest. So I could go to work and I could go to church if I wanted to. you know, if I needed to go like buy groceries, just do the minimal, the bare essentials, get that, but other than that, you stay at home. So, he was pushing for that. And so, the judge kind of met in the middle and gave me a five months. Yeah. And then I ended up doing uh three just over three months because if you behave yourself in prison, I think this applies to everybody up there in Canada. If you behave yourself, you get out early. >> The way I understood it was you you do twothirds of your time. But if you're violent, if you're causing problems, they're going to most likely do your full-time, if not longer. So, I decided going in, I wasn't going to be a I wasn't going to make trouble. It's just going to survive, >> and then got out and never go back. So, that's what ended up happening. >> And I I'm sure you vividly remember the day when you go through those prison gates and you're like, "Life's a lot different now." >> Yeah. Um, it was it was very different. I I went in somewhat confident that I was going to be okay. My lawyer kind of reassured me that it was going to be okay. He had told my parents and whatnot, but I didn't know what to expect. Um, so I went in. Um, it was a huge change. I remember waking up in the morning and seeing bars and just blew my mind. Like you wake up and you wake up and it's like you're kind of like you're used to waking up in a regular bedroom. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> And now you're like bars and it just takes you like maybe 10, 20 seconds, a minute, two or whatever to >> for a doll. It just hits you again and again, right? Like whoa, I'm in prison. >> This is life now, you know, for the next however long. Yeah. >> Yeah. So yeah, it was it was tough really adjusting to that because um in prison you don't know what to expect. >> Um they have their own rules in there. It's not the Canadian law. They make their rules. So they usually have like every range has the guys that are at the top of the um trying to find the word here >> like a hierarchy of some kind >> that kind of idea. Yeah. Yeah. They have a um pecking order >> and they have certain guys are at the top and they kind of make the rules and they decide. So from range to range it'll differ the rules and you come in not knowing >> what these what these law these rules are >> and over the smallest thing. It's not like you go and like they'll hand you a give you a warning or give you a fine or give you a ticket like in in in life, right? Here they just give you a ticket, but there it's they resort to violence just very quickly. Um you have people that are um schizophrenic, you have people that are bipolar. >> Um and so I remember one friend I had in prison, he was I got to know him and I thought he's this is a really good fella, right? And he would flip within a split second. You'd be just walking side by side, feeling like really good friends, and you would say one thing. It could be the smallest little thing, >> and he would turn on you, and he would want to fight immediately. Like, say for example, we were watching TV one time. Um, and the commercials, they would just turn the volume off. And then, well, commercials are over, you turn the volume up again, right? And so, I just turn told him, somebody else that was at the TV, just turn the volume up. And he thought I had said something else. and he just grabbed me in a choke hold and just started choking me out. I was just like, "Wow." Um, and he backed off and just wanted to duke it out right away. And I'm like, I was like within I think maybe I was getting close to getting out and I was just like, I'm not going to fight over a misunderstanding. >> You misunderstood me. I wasn't trying to offend you. >> So, that that can be really scary. I mean, there's and there's other people that are just trying to send a message. um they want to be at the top of the pecking order and so they're looking for they're looking for violence. >> There's people that will set up fights. They they're not angry at each other. They're just doing it for entertainment. >> So needless to say, I was just very thankful when that that whole thing was over. Um it was very boring at times and also very traumatizing and pan panic attacks. Um >> stressful. I mean, this this had to have changed your life, I'm sure. Prison. Um, can you say some ways that it did change you because you did get doubt a little early, right, on good behavior and all of that? >> I I can't imagine the feeling of like you get to go out of those doors, you know, for hopefully, you know, I mean, the last time I'm like, I'm done. I'm not coming back to this place. >> How did it change you? What was that like? >> That moment of walking out was absolutely incredible. Um, my parents, my siblings came to pick me up. This prison was a ways off from home. Um, I was absolutely thrilled to be to get out of there. Um, it was really amazing to just realize that I could decide how far I wanted to walk, >> when I stopped walking, like where I where I want to go. >> Yeah. when you're confined in this prison, you were used to I only can walk this far and have to turn around. >> Um, so yeah, it was it was incredible uh to get out, but it changed me in a way like I was I was I would say more hardened. I walked in I went in there selfish, came out selfish. >> Um, but I would say that um I didn't care as much what people thought of me. um I was was I would be more rude. I would have been more >> um straightforward, pushing back. >> Whereas before going in, I would have been more of a softer person. >> Um going out, I I I you would think that even that experience I think there was a lot of people that would have or number of people that were really expecting now Pete's going to change. >> Like this experience surely is going to change him. >> Yeah. I mean, we've been talking about the megaphone God's been using on you, right? the near-death experience with the drowning and then this I mean what was your spiritual state as you leave prison? >> It was basically I I knew that God existed or I believe that God existed I should say >> but I wasn't I wasn't willing to change at that point in time. I simply decided I I wanted to continue. As shocking as it sounds, I wanted to continue down the path that I was going. not not physically hurting anybody, >> but just continuing on with the the the alcohol, the drugs and and the party life. >> And so is that what happened? Did you know were those would you say in retrospect like you mentioned drug use? Um I think I think maybe you said depression earlier uh some of these things. Would you say that was connected to the prison experience or was that already in motion beforehand and you're just continuing on with who you were even before prison and this you know and this accident that happened? >> The drug use and the depression um started before the accident. >> The drug use started when I was I think 17 I think. >> Oh wow. So a couple of years that you know that this is going on then. Yeah. >> Yeah. It didn't start too long before the accident, but yeah, that that would have started before then. But then >> I also the depression came on really heavy heavy at at um I think also at like 16 or 17. So what had happened was I was listening to a lot of rap music. Um that's kind of what I think I started out more with. But then my friends introduced me to like rock, heavy rock, and then it switched to like heavy metal. I don't know if you've ever heard of heavy metal. >> Yeah. I wouldn't recommend anybody ever even try listening it to it's it's demonic. It's terrible. Um it's evil to the core. Um but I was introduced to that and I liked some of it and so I would listen to this heavy metal um at times and at about the same time as when I started to being really depressed and at the time I didn't make the connection between the two. I didn't realize what was causing my depression. >> I didn't know why I felt so angry. I argued so much with myself. Um, I would be at home and I would decide I wanted to go spend time with my friends. There were some things that were so simple like I was going to go spend time with my friend and then 5 seconds later be like, "No, I'm not going to do that." And then maybe 10 seconds later, yes, I will. Just a back and forth. Just a back. It was life was very confusing. I couldn't I couldn't understand myself. Uh, some other people noticed >> that I was acting really strange, but I don't think they knew what it was because I remember like posting things on Facebook and then like a couple people like like putting question marks like what's this all about? Like what why is he posting this? And basically I was just I was letting out what was inside. Inside was just darkness. Like I mean crazy. Like it was really really dark inside. really turbulent, confused, muddled, >> confused. >> Yeah, >> confused. >> Like that's what it sounded like to me. It's like you didn't even know yourself really >> in some I don't maybe that's not quite the right way to say it, but that's kind of the essence that I'm >> at that point in time. I didn't really know what was going on. I didn't I literally did not understand because >> um I had maybe had heard of the word depression, but I didn't really know what like what what is depression. Mhm. >> But like I said, this music created such a um um there was such a darkness inside. Um say for example, like I had a rage inside that's hard to explain. Um typically when people get angry, they get caught if they get cut off in traffic or um somebody says something mean to them like that would to an unconverted person or sometimes even somebody's a Christian that can cause a negative reaction. They get upset, right? I would be angry at pretty much everything. Or maybe like you could even say like everybody my my my anger wasn't necessarily channeled at at any particular person. I was just angry. >> I know that may seem very confusing to you, but >> I mean I've I've I've heard of that like that is sometimes, you know, maybe we all have that that grouchy neighbor or something who's just always angry at something just in general. Just always. >> Yeah. And I've I've always kind of been like, I wonder why that is, you know? And you're describing it as this deep internal turbulent dark state. And it's just that's just what's flowing out of you. >> Yeah. >> Cuz that's what's inside. So that's what's coming out, I guess. But but you're saying this this is happening all that what you're describing is before prison, but also after prison. This continues in your life. Is that correct? Am I hearing that right? >> Before prison for sure. I'm trying to think of after prison. See, after prison, it really slowed down. M >> and I'll tell you why. So, like I said, what was causing me to feel the way I was feeling was the fact that I was listening to this heavy metal. Like I I don't want this I want this to be understood. Like I I'm responsible for my own actions. I'm not trying to negate any responsibility or accountability, but I'm what I'm saying is when I listened to that dark dark music, it caused me Oh, and another thing was at that same time I was I was watching pornography on a regular basis. M so drugs, just evil music, evil movies. I had so much negative evil stuff that I was watching, listening, and that was just filling me with just darkness, right? >> And like I said, I I was I was so ignorant. I didn't make the connection there, right? I didn't say like if I had known I think I would have cut back at least on some of those things so that my life could have been a little bit better cuz I hated my life at the time. But this this may sound a little crazy. This may sound a little crazy to you. I I don't know about you, but you wonder sometimes when you hear of a school shooting happening, >> like what would cause a young person that's like 18 years old, 16, 25, whatever age, what would cause him to go grab a gun and just blast down a bunch of children? Like, how could anybody do that? It's mindboggling probably to most people. Like, you can't wrap your mind around that. But if I like I've studied into different things and you know I'll watch like different times where people are you know being interviewed by the police like you can see things online right and it sounds crazy but I could relate >> not I never was close to doing a school shooting not I wasn't but I could relate to the anger that they expressed. >> Wow. Yeah. Mhm. It's hard to even know what to do with all of this. But but I think these are >> really important pieces because it is so easy to misunderstand or not grasp the level of darkness that can build up inside someone and then like you said, you have these crazy or or evil things that will happen in the world and we're just like how's that even possible? Like how how could have that even happened? And and so it's making sense when you say you can kind of understand that rage, that anger as like maybe that explains a little bit of why the world is kind of messed up right now. Well, in general, because humans are, >> you know, can be pretty evil unless we're redeemed, right? Um I think that's an important thing to acknowledge. >> Yeah. reason I like to speak on it is because yeah there there's there's people out there because you like you said you hear about these different things that take place >> and so many people don't understand but like I wish people would understand it better so that like um if they understood it I'm assuming more people would turn away from the things that are causing them to feel the way they do like so say for example had I known this heavy metal music was having the influence on me I would have cut it out immediately later on I did find out that this heavy met metal music was causing me to feel so dark. And so as soon as I realized that, I stopped listening it totally. Besides the one time when a different person put it on like while I was riding with him. >> So I think it's really important to understand that so that like young people that are like maybe 17, 18, they're growing up and don't understand the situation. >> Yeah. >> You know that um can probably navigate through things better just if if there would be more awareness of of that. And that's I think an important piece that you're bringing to this is like >> this isn't theory for you. >> You know, it's like you read a book about it and you you had to live with live through it and also live with the consequences of those things and permanent consequences too. Yeah. >> You know, it's not like >> you just >> change your mind and everything's now perfect because there were results of these actions that are that are permanent. >> Yeah. I I I I just over time I I started to realize it, but before I realized it, I I was um a friend of mine decided he he he wanted to go to a certain bar where they have a lot of like heavy metal music playing. Um different bands would come in, they'd play about one band would play about three songs, they'd take their stuff off the stage, the next would come on, right? And so he didn't have a a vehicle to drive and so he asked me if I'd bring him there. So I did. And so we went there and they would have band after band that was playing and as the night wore on like I just became I'd say sick like physically sick. >> I felt like vomiting. >> I didn't have the fever. I didn't have the flu. It wasn't it was from the music itself. >> I just I went outside and tried to vomit so I would feel better. Um but I couldn't vomit. So I came back in and then I was just wanting to leave cuz I felt so terribly. And so I was looking for my friend and the last singer was on and he gets up on stage and he says he says, "I'm not here for the money. I'm not here for the the the fame. I'm not here for the women. I'm here for one reason only and that is Jesus Christ." And he started to scream so in a song, right? And looking at that point in time, I could hardly believe that a human being could even utter such a sound. Like the way he like his voice, >> it was so utterly demonic. Again, I I I was just so shocked at that. And I it was just absolutely blasphemy. It was just mocking, right? >> And I decided I walked out. >> And that was probably the most rage I'd ever had inside of me of of my life that evening. >> Um so, >> okay. I I had two friends with me and on the way back. I just stared straight and I had a look about me. >> I was quiet, didn't say a word. And my friend taps me on the shoulder and he says, "Hey, you okay?" I just shrugged it off and said, "You know, just leave me alone." And I kept on driving and we got to the place where I was going to drop them off and he he he's like, "Hey, man. [clears throat] Jesus, are you okay? I said, just go. And he walked away and closed the door. And as soon as he closed the door, I felt something come right into my eyes. Like actually felt it wasn't um that I dreamed it or that it was very clear. I felt something come right into my eyes and my whole body started to shake violently side to side. And I don't know if I realized it at the moment or not, but like later on I realized that was demonic forces coming inside right through my eyes. That was I would say one of the some of the darkest stuff I'd ever experienced. But like I said, over time I started to listen to other music. Wasn't godly, but it was other music. It wasn't heavy metal. And then that depression, that really heavy depression, the anger, the rage, it just really subsided because before that I I I fully felt like I felt like a monster inside. >> I know that sounds absolutely crazy. And one thing I want to make very clear here, like crystal clear, when I had that accident at that particular evening, I didn't feel that way. The reason I say that is because I never intentionally hit him. >> Mhm. It wasn't like I was angry and I want to kill somebody, kill him. It was complete accident. >> I just want that to be clear. It was it was um complete accident. And >> but there were different times that I felt so dark. >> What you just described there that that real darkness that you're experiencing there in the vehicle? Was that after prison or before? >> Before. >> Mhm. >> That was before. >> Yeah. >> Like I said, after prison, I moved away. I moved away from um that area. Um, I didn't feel comfortable there anymore. >> Yeah. >> Like I said, the family was very upset and I felt like it was just best that I move out of the area. >> Yeah. >> Because we would bump into each other at different places in town. >> Oo. Yeah. That's tough. >> I would come to Tim Hortons and I would I remember seeing his brother >> behind Tim Hortons and yeah, he gave me a death threat >> at that point in time. Shook me up terribly. I just decided, you know what, for for me and for them, it's just best I move on to a different place. And and I think it was good because I think it was just traumatizing for both sides to see each other again and again, >> whether it was a Walmart or Timmy's or different places. >> And so that would be a big reason why I moved to Alberto. >> So you you move and you know, all these things that that you're describing, but in general, like at your lowest point, say, what did you think about God? like did you believe God was real? Did you believe there was any truth to Christianity? Or was it the kind of thing like you're just angry inside? You're doing the drugs. You're doing whatever. You're just not even thinking about any of that. What was the situation? >> So, from very young on, I would have believed that God was real and I wasn't blaming him for any of my circumstances that I was facing, whether it be prison or any of my feelings whatsoever. >> Um, I believe that I was making my decisions in life. He wasn't God wasn't responsible. He's somewhere, but he's on the back shelf. I I don't think about God much at all. >> Um, a little bit here and there, but because of the siblings that I had that left a godly testimony from a very young on, I was convinced that God was real, >> Christianity was real. I was convinced through it. Most of that, >> like I said, like I had one of my older brothers, um, he came up to me the one time and he apologized for being angry with me. I just was so amazed at that because he was an older brother that was like extremely rare that an older brother would my older brother would come to me and say sorry that I was angry at you >> and so I was like you know what and I would watch them I would observe them and I the way they conducted themselves I'm like you know what yeah there's something to it there Christianity is real God is real I just didn't want to be a part of it at that point in time >> so where in the story does does that change where you where you say hm maybe I do want to be part of this Christian thing. You know what I'm saying? Like obviously your life has radically changed >> from then till now. >> How did you become born again? >> So I had I had moved to Alberta and then a friend of mine I was partying with him and others pretty much every single weekend. And one evening when we were getting ready to go to a party, my friend's brother was already on the way to the uh party and we got notified that he had been in an accident. >> And so I didn't think much of it. I figured, you know, he it's got most likely going to be minor. I don't know why I thought that. >> But anyway, long story short, my my friend's brother ends up uh passing away from the accident. It was a head-on collision with a semi truck. And so he had been in the in the back seat in the middle and he hadn't had seat belt on. So he went flying through forward and he went through the windshield and the windshield just cut him up, right? And he bled to death on the way to the to the hospital. And before that accident, my friend, he was a pretty jolly fellow. He was everybody liked him or pretty much everybody. And he was um easy to get along with. He was the life of the party, so to speak. And after that accident, life changed dramatically. And I live me and him were roommates. >> And he went from being a jolly fella to being down and discouraged and miserable and like I I was just like, what's going on with him? Right? Meanwhile, he's grieving the loss of his brother, right? and he felt so accountable and responsible because of the example because he was the older brother and now he had been that example to his younger brother and his brother died at an accident so he felt responsible for that and so like I said he went on a downward trend like I didn't even want to spend time with him anymore cuz he was so miserable and and and I didn't enjoy it then all of a sudden he he had different people that were speaking into his life and he decided he wanted to become a Christian. And when he became a Christian, his life changed like that from being down, depressed, and miserable to being a person just filled with joy. He had purpose in his life. Like it was nighttoday difference. And I looked at that, I'm like, "Wow, that is incredible. That is awesome." Like I saw the power of God move mightily in his life. Like there was no mistake in it because he had tried after he his brother passed away. He tried multiple times to quit the drinking and quit the party. But he would have people come over and mix him on an alcoholic drink and say put it right in front of him and say drink it. And he would say no I won't drink it. He said drink it and two or three times and eventually he would drink one and second third fourth and he would get drunk again and he would try again and again to change on his own. He tried. His brother, his family, I think most or all of them had given up that their brother was ever going to change. He was always going to be who he was. But now the power of God moved. He quit alcohol. He quit his drinking pretty much cold turkey. Um it wasn't just quitting the partying and all the drinking and these different things. Like I said, what moved me the most was seeing him go from being so down to being so filled with joy and purpose. like he was excited to go to church like he came you know he come and talk to me and I just you could it was just glowing from it just radiant he was so happy to look at him I'm like wow you are different and I decided you know what I want that I want that so what he did was he handed me CDs messages and I was on a machine I was logging at the time and I would put a CD in and I would listen to it and as I was listening to the preaching of God there was convict convictions, real convictions started happening in my life and he invited me over to church, go to church and I was like, well, I felt like I was going to feel like an oddball, really out of place. But I can, this is where things really started to shift in my mind. I thought to myself, you know, you've been procrastinating for so long. There's no convenient stopping place. You know what I mean? >> That's a good point because like if you haven't stopped after everything you've described, >> what's to say you'll ever change? Like how old are you at this point? >> 22. >> Okay. So this is this is like three years after prison. >> Yeah. Roughly three years. >> Okay. So there's Okay. So this is this is not like this change starts happening quickly after you get out of prison. I you continued in this path. >> I was full-blown right after I came out of prison. I moved >> Wow. >> Not rights, but I moved to British not too long after and I and I continued full on like I wasn't I wasn't like well I might hold back. It was just full force. So, three yearsish later, this friend gets saved, takes you to church. Like, what was that experience like? I mean, you had I'm assuming you hadn't been in a church in quite a while. >> It had been It had been a while. >> Yeah. So, you go to church. It was like that confusing. What did it make sense? Like, yeah. What was the experience? >> It was incredibly convicting. Like, I would I sat in church and I and I would just my eyes were glued to the pastor. And so, like I said, I I I felt like I need to make a change. And I was I think I was at that point where I I don't know if I was counting the cost, but I was really Yeah, I think I was counting the cost. I was really looking at the whole entire picture and thinking about things. And for a while, I was heading the direction of, okay, I want to give my life to God. But then all of a sudden, I started noticing I was shifting away from it again just for a short period of time. >> And then I thought to myself, what is finally going to ever change me? And so I decided, you know what? I'm going to continue on because my friend kept on, like I said, giving me tracks and messages and stuff. And so one day I went to a different, it was a city of Grand Prairie. I went there. Traveled about 5 hours to go party there. Um, and I come to this bar and I was sober at when I got there and I I was so convicted of my sins at that point in time. Like I was so uncomfortable at that place >> at this bar. Guilt, just tremendous guilt, tremendous conviction. And I really think I realized that at the time what was going on was that people at church were praying for me. And that was having such an impact on my life. So then I I decided, you know what? I traveled 5 hours. I'm not going to just sit here and feel miserable with all this guilt. So I I went to the bar and I told him I think I ordered maybe like seven shots like small glass like it was pretty strong alcohol and I just downed one after the other until I was drunk. Oh, >> I got extremely drunk that night. And then I had one other instance where I went to a different place and partied again and and and and finally I decided, you know what? Here's this is enough. And I was in a in a machine uh logging and I was listening to I don't know if you ever heard the the home CD by the ashes. There's preaching on that message >> or that CD. and I listened to it and the the conviction started again and I just decided right then I've had enough. I'm done. I'm done with the old life. Um I want to follow God and I'm going all the way. And I was hoping that there was going to be this that I would just have a clear feeling that now I'm now I'm born again. But it didn't happen that way. Like I was my with my friend there. I'd like to share a little bit about him. When he was converted, you couldn't miss it. And so I was hoping, really hoping that that would be my experience, that God would just move inside of me in that way. But it wasn't like that right off the bat. I got up off my knees after I talked to God there and committed my life to God. But yeah, then I for me it was a bit of a slower process. And I actually I forgot one thing I wanted to mention with with my friend there that I think is pretty important. He had been listening to um he was on satellite radio listening to a me certain preacher and he had gotten on his knees in the machine just like I had and he had prayed and I want he wanted to follow after God and he got up off of the uh off his knees and it's no difference and then he did the same thing the second day and I think the third day maybe even the fourth day and finally he got to the point in place he said God I give it all up everything, the sports, the the the fornicating, the alcohol. I don't think he was too much into drugs, but all of the sin. I give it all up. I'm wholly committed. And he said he got out of the out of that loader and the whole world changed. >> The whole world changed. He said he noticed the birds started. He noticed the birds and he said, you know, he there's we have a quite a bit of native American and Native Americans living in the area like at the surrounding area. We some people call them Indians. I think you probably know who I'm talking. First nations people indigenous. There you go. >> And there's kind of a bit of between the Menanites and and the and indigenous people. There's a bit of um tension. >> The a lot of the Menites I shouldn't say a lot. Some of the Menanites at least look down on the indigenous people. um they're less than right and I think he would have been the same way and he noticed he's like you know what for the first time he saw this random ind indigenous person and he had love for that person you know he never had that before it wasn't like he had tried at that point in time to love this person he just noticed he just loved people now loved the strangers >> and so he would talk to pretty much everybody that he whether it was co-workers, his boss, anybody and everybody that he would come across paths with, he would talk to him about about salvation, right? Anyways, now going back to my story there, um, like I said, I was hoping for that, but for me, it was a slower experience. I was very naive and I was very ignorant about God. I didn't realize that at the time, but I was very, very And so, I was memorizing a verse one time. I was memorizing the verse that says, "Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling." And I was memorizing that verse and all of a sudden it dawned on me for the first time like, "Wait a second. Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling. He's able to keep me from falling into sin." Now to you that is pretty elementary, I'm pretty sure. But like for me that was just a totally new thought. Like I knew that God could forgive my sin. >> Mhm. I knew that God wanted, you know, he could bring me to heaven if I if I was a Christian, but that he could he could have power to get to to to help me overcome sin was just astounding to me. So, what I would do as I was working and all of a sudden, you know, to have this temptation come across my mind, whatever it was, and I would quote that. I would say, "Now, unto him that is able to keep you keep me from falling." And the temptation would be gone like that. And I'm like, "Wow, this is awesome. And so I would quote it again and again and I would overcome temptation just like that on a regular basis for for a period of time. >> That must have been that must have been um proof for you that like I'm on the right path. I am on the right path. Oh, that's amazing. >> I was thrilled to the I was thrilled [laughter] to my inner core. I called up one of my friends. >> I called him up. I was just overjoyed and I was just sharing this and he was thrilled too as well. Wow. >> But yeah, so so I had that experience. I did have victory in my Christian life. I broke free from my pornography addiction, cold turkey. The drinking stopped. The heavy drinking stopped immediately. I had a couple of drinks after. But I felt so convicted. I stopped that as well. The smoking, the drugs, all of it stopped. >> I was living in victory and I was very thankful for it. >> I was I had a mix of remember I said earlier I was like when I go, I want to go all the way. I didn't want to be a backslider. [clears throat] >> So now I was my focus was like, you know what, you do what you need to do to to be a victor, right? Be be victorious. But I was because I was so ignorant and didn't understand a whole lot. I my my Christian life, even though I had victory, it wasn't very deep. >> It was it was rather shallow. >> What I mean by shallow is I was I was zealous, but like I didn't know much about God. like had you read the Bible before this time and you know what I mean like like some of this could be was it talk about various points of scripture like lack of knowledge you know not you just don't know a lot of this stuff was that some of what was going on do you think >> I I did read my Bible even after I was a Christian I read my Bible um before as well but like I don't know what it for sure was I think it had to do with the fact that I grew up listening going to church so often >> and pride pride as well pride for sure >> the fact that I just come to the conclusion at that point in time that I know a decent amount when in reality I just at very best I was barely scratching the surface. >> You see what I'm saying? >> Yeah. Yeah. >> So what I was doing was like I would listen to a lot of messages. I would listen to a lot of them on the on the machine. I would like and I would listen to different testimonies or different stories which were great but my Bible reading wasn't really good. I didn't dive into the word of God. It was here and there sporadic where I would spend a decent amount of time, but it wasn't a whole lot. And so therefore, because of that, it was only a matter of time until I was going to fall. Because if you're not rooted and grounded in the word, you're going to fall. It's only a matter of time. I mean, what I mean by that is like you live for a there's storms going to come. I'm not talking rainstorms. I'm talking spiritual storms. The devil's going to come at you. And so I had some things come into my life, real big disappointments after I'd become a Christian, right? Real big disappointments, not all in one bunch, but over time and I lost the zeal that I had. I lost the the fervor, the the excitement, the discouragement set in and I tried to not let people notice, >> but I just kept on going and I spiritually I was going downhill really fast. And so therefore, I started to do different things. Go back to my old life. >> I started I wasn't immediately into pornography, but I was headed that direction. But I did eventually get into pornography again. But not too long after that, um, after some really big disappointments in life, I was I had been engaged to a girl and we split up because of the pornography problem. >> Um, that was absolutely devastating. Some of the people that I was going to church with at that time were shocked, devastated, could hardly believe >> that I got into pornography. They didn't expect it. I think because I had so much excitement and zeal >> at in the beginning, they didn't they didn't see it coming. Some of them were just blindsided by it. And there was such disappointment and and and because of that, there was a bit of a rift between me and a number of different brothers in the church. I betrayed them. I totally did. But because they felt a certain way and they responded me to me in a certain way, I was shocked at the way they treated me after they found out that I was into pornography. >> So, it was on both sides, right? >> I'm not I'm not trying to say they were say they were wrong. I'm just saying that I was not I didn't expect them to act the way they did. >> And so, I confessed to them my pornography. And after I confessed, I was doing pretty good for the first very little bit. But then because of because of the way they treated me after that I'm not tr I couldn't understand it but be I I didn't expect because yeah I I started going downhill again really fast. >> Then I went for counseling in Mexico and that's where life really started changing around for I would say for the better. Um that counselor he helped me to see some things that I really really needed to see. I remember sitting across from him um and he would ask me a lot of questions. Questions that I had no answers to. I would open my mouth to answer him. I literally open my mouth to talk and there was nothing there. That was usually not me. >> Somebody asked me a question, I'd have something to say. But what that did was help me realize that I didn't know God. I didn't know Christianity. I didn't know the Bible near as well as I thought I did. >> So, >> in response, when he asked me these questions, a number of them, and I didn't have a response, after a while, he opened up the Bible and started pointing scriptures out to me, scriptures that I had already read before. And I was extremely taken aback at these verses in a in in a positive way. I I was just so amazed. Mhm. >> I was like, I've read this before, but it never took on meaning like that. And then I I we were talking back and forth and I shared a story. I shared a story about a relationship between me and my dad. And I'll share that now here. It's just a short little story. So, I was telling them about how I used to play softball growing up. my friend, a number of my friends I'd play with them who were on the same team and one of my friends, his dad would always be there, pretty much always be there and he would be watching and he was cheering on his son. He was so proud of his son and I desperately wanted my dad to show approval and be there for me in that way. He would hardly ever show up. One time he did. It was against a team that was a really good team and I got up to bat and um the conditions were good and I just I cranked the ball and the ball just flew way out there. It was an easy home run and so I ran to first and I ran around to second and they were as I was running to first they my my dad and my teammates were kind of behind me. They were kind of off on the sidelines and as I turned around second I was looking to see where my dad was cuz I wanted that approval. I wanted him to look me in the eyes with a big smile and say, "You know what? That's my son." Act that way, right? And I looked around second. I saw my friends lining up from third base to home plate getting ready to do a bunch of high fives. And I looked and I saw my dad and he was looking a completely different direction. He wasn't looking at the ball game at all. He was looking at the grass as if some somewhere some mouse was running in there. My heart just sank and I was just like, that's all that was. >> And then the counselor asked me an just an awesome question. Question I'll never forget. He says, "Do you think God was proud of you when you hit that home run?" My first thought was absolutely not. God doesn't care about softball. That's that that's what was my thought right off the bat, right? like he's got a lot bigger things to worry, bigger fish to fry than than a softball game. But about maybe about 3 seconds later, all of a sudden, I was like, maybe he was maybe he was proud of me that I hit that home run. And a few seconds went on late on actually it dawned on me, God was proud of me. Now, I want to quickly say this. I don't believe that a softball game is God's top priority. Not by any means. But at the same time, God spoke to me and I felt important to God. Really important. I felt like I his son like truly his son. I don't know if it was a for the first time ever, but it was so clear to me at that point in time. You're my son and I love you. I cared. I was watching as you ran around those bases. And then he showed me in John 15 15 he says I have called you friends and I was astounded. I was just like this is the God this is him. And so later on as time went on I started to realize more and more how little I actually knew. And so therefore, I would start to open the Bible and I would read it asking questions to God himself. Say for example, I remember reading one time in Colossians chapter 3:es 1, it says, "If you then be risen with Christ," and in the past I would have think just kind of skimmed on and be like, "Yeah, I would have assumed that I understood that completely." But now I stopped and I said, 'If he then be risen, what is what does that mean? I thought to myself, well, the the um rapture hasn't happened yet, so we haven't risen in that way. What is he talking about? And I just kept on thinking about it and thinking about it and waiting. And then later on, I was like, well, I needed to get to something. And I thought, I'm going to put this on the shelf and tomorrow I'll get to it again. I started thinking about some tomorrow. And all of a sudden it dawned on me. Those that were dead in sins and trespasses and sins have now risen to new life in Christ. >> And so the meaning became clear completely clear and the spirit of God revealed that to me. He opened it up to me. And I'm like, "Wow, that is this is awesome." And so I started realizing if I continue reading that and asking the spirit of God questions, he can reveal things to me and I can understand the God of the universe in a much better way. It's not just simply scratch. Well, it's not simply just head knowledge. It becomes real and you understand that. And that only took place that in the last two or three years. So that's when my life and God with God started to really my roots started to go deeper >> is because I still listen to messages, don't get me wrong, and and listening to a a story or a um somebody sharing a testimonies, they're really good things, but a message can never like a message from a preacher could never replace completely replace what the spirit of God can do to somebody that is honestly seeking honestly seeking God. and opening up the word of God and looking >> to understand the God of the universe. Preaching has its place. We should we should have there should be preaching. There should be powerful preaching and it's awesome. But like I said, there's nothing that compares in my mind to that >> to the spirit of God opening up the understanding of the per of of the mind of the person that is reading. And that's when I think about the Anabaptists. You know, they were in the Catholic system for so long and now after you have the um the printing press come out, now there's the average person can afford a Bible and they're opening it >> and the spirit of God is moving. That's what convinced me, sparked this revival, the movement, the Anabaptist movement is because for the first time they were they were reading their own Bible in their own house. It's the first time in history back in the when Jesus walked this earth, they would go to the synagogue and they would have to open the scroll and the the Pharisee or the uh priest or whatever would read to them. But now they can read for themselves. And so yeah, that was that was really huge for me. And I'm I'm excited. I'm excited for the future >> because God only knows what he is going to do through me and through you and through different people that that take the time and get to know the God of the universe, which is Jesus Christ. So, I'm I'm sure there are people listening to this that are maybe struggling with addiction, guilt, something like that. that maybe connecting to your story, [clears throat] maybe they've done past mistakes. What would you tell those people from what you've experienced, what you've learned? What would you like to say to them? >> Well, I would say that um I'd like to take them to the Bible. But I I I would say first that I realize that people that have been addicted to different drugs, like you think of um New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, the millions of people that make a New Year's resolution, >> right? Yeah. >> I'm going to stop this or I'm going to stop that. Right. And so many are in bondage to like I was to the powers of of the devil, right? And so you need something. And I'll backtrack just a little bit. So many maybe two weeks in after New Year's resolution, they made it their resolution, they turn back. >> Mhm. >> And what I believe is the odds are stacked against you if you don't have the power of God. >> They just simply are. You have so little power. You're doing it on your own might and you're gonna fall. >> You need to get a hold of the power of God. And and so what I would like to say to that is and I'll show you and I'd like to turn to the Bible here and and just point something out that that I found that I found very interesting. >> Mhm. >> Second Peter chapter 1 two start there. It says um grace and peace be multiplied unto you. Notice this through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. Verse three, according as his divine power. I was talking about power, right? >> You need to tap according as his divine power hath given unto us believers. All things all things that pertain unto life and godliness. Notice this through the knowledge of him that has called us to glory and virtue. So he's talking about knowing him. And that was my experience. I got to know him better. And then I the power just you know there's a connection there. If you see he talks about divine power and he talks about the knowledge of God. talks about um through the knowledge of him. Now if you look in Ephesians it it says that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ the father of glory may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and notice this and the revelation and the knowledge of him >> the that the eyes of your understanding being enlightened that you may know what is the hope of his calling and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints and what is the exceeding greatness of his power to usward who believe accord according to the working of his mighty power which he wrought in Christ when he raised him from the dead and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places. Now, if you notice again, he's talking about knowledge. He's talking about knowing him and he's connecting it with power. He I'll say it again. You know, the eyes of your understanding, being enlightened that you may know, right? But it also says and then he goes on right right after that. What is the exceeding greatness? I I just want to point that out. the exceeding greatness of his power. This is not small. This is exceeding greatness of his power to usward to you to me who believe according to the working. And then it seems like he can't he just wants to emphasize it because he goes on to say according to the working of his mighty power. >> Anyways, then I'll jump jump over to one more verse here. Um Philippians chapter 3 10. He says that I may know him and the power of his resurrection. Notice that knowing and power. The third time they're put together. There's there's knowing him. And so what I would say to the people that are struggling with addiction is that when you get to know him, the more you know him, the more the things of the world go strangely dim. Because our God is so awesome. He is so wonderful. The more you know him, the more you will gladly turn away from the things of the world. Not only will he gives you, he changes your desires. So now you want to follow him. You honestly want to. Now you don't only want to, now he gives you the power to do it. And that is that that is awesome. I I just I just love that. I was just studying there and I just like captivated by that. Um, another thing I would like to say to those that are um, struggling addiction is you're going to face times where difficulties just like anybody does. Even after your Christian, there's temptations. There's different >> circumstances. You might hear of your friend got or your mom or dad is has got cancer. There will be things that will hit hard at times and that and to in in those situations I would say do what Jesus did. It says in I believe it's in Hebrews says for the joy that was set before him he endured the cross despising the shame. You know I think of the joy that was set before him he looked to what was beyond. He he had his eyes on the prize. And I don't know what that all entails, but I believe that it means, you know, he looked forward to having um fellowship to being with all the believers in heaven. But not only in heaven, but to having fellowship with his people here on earth. And he looked forward to that past the cross. Even though he suffered more than any human being that I know of or ever anybody ever has, he suffered more. But I think that was one of the main things that kept him going was he had a goal and he kept his eyes on the prize. Another thing is if I think of Paul, he intentionally killed people before he was saved. >> He could have looked at that and just been incredibly disheartened and discouraged. And I'm sure I'm thinking he was at times. But I think there's a place there. I don't just think I know there's a place for restitution to make things right. I tried with a family like in court. I I I I apologized. But they didn't want to talk. That's okay. But there's a time where, you know, Paul says, "Forgetting those things which are behind, I press towards the mark." So if there's guilt and there's different things that are maybe holding you back, make it right, but then press toward the mark. >> Keep your eyes on the prize. That would be what I would would want to say to to people that are struggling with addiction because um another thing that I wanted to mention is in Philippians as well. It also talks about knowledge in verse 38. says, "Yay, doubtless I count all things but loss, for the," notice this, "the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and do count them the butong that I may win what?" That I may win Christ. You know, I don't think it's wrong to desire to go to heaven. We I think all of us all of us do that are Christians. >> But for Paul, Christ was the goal. He was the good goal. If you have eyes on Christ, you'll get to heaven. If you follow him, true. But some people have the, you know, I heard of one of one fell had said, you know, if he could just barely eek it into heaven. I mean, it seemed like his goal was heaven. And I get that, but like I said, it's got to be on Christ. And I just love how it says, I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus, my Lord. You know, I think of in Acts as he was just before he fell down as he was on the road to Damascus. If you look at his life and I don't know a whole lot about it, but I think he was a man that had a great intellect. Very intelligent person. He was taught at the feet of Chamiliel. The high priest had confidence in him. People had confidence in him. He went about boldly doing the things that he did. I think he thought at the time that he was doing what was right and and I think he I'm going to say just a little bit more. I think he had maybe a lot of knowledge about the Old Testament. I don't know how much with all the knowledge I mean head knowledge not really knowing with all that he's on his way to Damascus the light shines. He falls down and what does he say? He makes a very fascinating question and almost a statement. He says, "Who art thou, Lord?" I find that very fascinating. Why? Because he almost in a way answers his own question. He says, "Who art thou?" And then he says, "Lord." You see what I'm saying? So he's saying, >> "Yeah, >> he recognized that this whoever this is is divine." >> But he's saying, "Who are you? I have no idea who you are." >> Right? But later on, if you fast forward in time to in when he writes Philippians, he's saying that I may know him. But to me, it seems like he's still acknowledging that I think he he knew that he he knew God, but only a little bit. He's just scratching the surface. And he wanted to know more. He wants I want to know you. Does that make sense? >> Yeah. Mhm. >> And so for myself, I have to I need to remind myself on a on a regular basis, you know what? >> Humble yourself. >> You don't know as much as you do. I think you do. And I'm not talking, you know, run myself down. I'm just being like, be honest with yourself. >> Don't don't think you know so much. And and and and get to know get to know God. >> And the more you get to know God and and his kingdom, the more things just the things just fall into place. Like the verse says, "Seek you first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you. So that's what I would say to people that are struggling. >> Yeah. Well, Pete, we've covered a lot in this conversation. Thank you for um your openness to share your story. You know, that there there's some there's some hard things in there, but also the the the it was almost like a thread that ran through it is this concept you were going through and joined in scripture, the knowledge and and power that comes through Christ through scripture. And I'm I wrote that down. I'm going to remember that. I had not thought of that before or like in that way. >> Um and that's a powerful piece I think people can take from this episode. >> Yeah. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being willing to share today. >> Thank you for giving me this opportunity. I was um looking forward to it and um I hope that God can be glorified through it. I hope that there's others that were like me at 18, 16, younger or older that don't know what's going on in their life. >> Yeah. that don't understand >> and can just recognize this evil influence is causing me to feel in such a way. >> And I'm not trying to take any accountability or responsibility away from me or anybody else. We make our decisions, but that has a a tremendous influence. And I hope that >> people can avoid a lot of the terrible decisions that I made at a young age. Pete described some of his experience in prison and Patrick Matthews actually went through something similar to that and you can find that full story linked in the description down below. Patrick describes how he found Christ in prison and what that experience was like. Thanks so much for listening and we'll catch you in the next episode. [music]