I'm In My 60s. Will He Think I'm Chasing If I Follow His Social Media?

Angela, >> Angela, >> can you read that? >> Don't you think that chasing men and being a stalker is the same as showing interest? What do you think of people who are stalkers? >> Stalkers. >> Uh, >> she always comes up with interesting questions. [laughter] >> Yeah. So, you know, I think in today's environment that didn't exist in the By the way, in my old day, you know how you stalk someone? You drove around their house a hundred times hoping they'd be out in the window, you know? [laughter] I'm I'm thinking back in high school days. Um, you know, in today's environment, you can go on social media and stalk someone. I know I've had relationships ended and I've still looked at someone's profile. So, does that make me a stalker? >> Well, these days online, yeah, >> I I think there's this natural curiosity if you like someone to want to know things about them. I think that's a natural curiosity. If I like someone, I want to know things about them. And today through our devices, through social media, um, we have access to people in ways that we didn't before. I I think I want to differentiate between the stalker who has some sort of >> Mavelian type of, you know, >> dark agenda. dark agenda versus the natural inclination to be curious and >> and you know >> and and for the woman like for you know it used to be by the way a woman would drop her hanky to get a man's attention that wasn't >> now women are doing background checks before they even meet for coffee [laughter] >> well that's a little different but we're talking about getting attention versus verifying the person and I think to today you know women can initiate uh an email, a text message, uh you know on Bumble women, you know, now Bumble has changed to where women or men can initiate as well. But I I think it's not chasing to express interest and it's not stalking if you're curious about the person. I think the line is when it comes to an obsessive >> Yes. >> or excessive point of view. And that's kind of an individual take. Uh, and so Angela, that's my take on that. I hope that gives you some context of what I think and what do I think of stalkers. I mean, to the extent I wish Oh, I I wish >> and we don't know whether she isn't talking about the dark maki. >> Yeah. Yeah. But for those stalkers that exist, I wish there were 12 big I wish there was an organization called Big Brothers where 12 Jack Reacher types. I'm talking Jack Reacher in the in the series, not the Tom Cruz, you know, Alan Reichen or whatever his name is. Some big ass [ __ ] that goes out there and goes the guy's face and saying, "If you [ __ ] with our little sister, you got 12 guys that are going to kick the [ __ ] out of you." I wish an organization like that exists. If you agree an exor organization like that should exist where 12 Jack Reachers go to the guy's house who's genuinely stalking. By the way, there's a scene in Deadpool where that's what he does to a kid who was stalking a girl. Deadpool does. >> No, I think I think you know it's a real thing. I mean, I've had a situation um in my early dating >> career that um >> you had a career in dating. >> I know. I had a very limited career in dating, but um where I was stalked and I had a friend of mine who was very much stocked like at her workplace. >> Yeah. >> So, you know, I do think it's out there. >> Oh, no. There's no doubt. I wish there was an organization that >> Yeah. >> allowed, you know, to go outside of the law and say >> dating brother, >> huh? >> Big dating brother. >> Big dating brother. Okay. All right. Ronnie's in the house. She didn't pose a question, but she wrote, "Talking misalignment, can a man be considered committed to a woman if he is >> is monogamous sexually, but establishes multiple plat platonic emotional relationships at the same time? H >> well can I I want to approach that. Can you leave it up for a second? >> Yeah. >> Can a man be considered committed to a woman? So >> I think yes. And the reason I think yes is because I I mean I have a lot of friends in the polyamory community. >> Yeah. >> Um and and and I am not versed in it nearly enough to be able to talk about it well. But but I do I do want to say that I I I believe that the through line for people carrying on relationships but still maintaining monogous sex, you know, is is the basis for polyamory and that and that it's not always about the sex that it that it can sometimes be about the emotional um currency that happens from it. So, um, so does that mean he's less committed? No. Sometimes it's actually that they believe that they're more committed. Yeah. >> That they that they love this person so much and are committed to their well-being and and and love who they are and all of the things about them so much that they would never leave their side. But they crave other things that they receive in those other relationships that they don't get there. That doesn't make that relationship any less. >> Okay. So, can we talk about the 90% of other relationships out there that are polyamorous? [laughter] >> Yeah. I mean, we >> I'm being tongue and cheek. >> I feel like Yes. >> So, so I believe that and I I'm assuming that Ronnie isn't going down the polyamorous route. To the extent that I'm in full agreement with you in those types of relationships, what's beautiful about those relationships, oftentimes there's extensive communication. Yes. About their actions, particularly when you add more people in the mix. So in this particular case, Ronnie, I think, is it possible for a man to be in a monogous relationship and have platonic female friends? Hey, I'm an example of that. I have multiple platonic female friends. He has a really good female friend for the last 20 some odd years. >> Yeah, she's one of my dearest friends. We talk regularly. She's in a relationship. We physically only see each other once or twice in a year. So, it's not like there's some nefarious thing going on. We're practically each other's >> brother and sister and therapist. [laughter] But where I'm going this is that I I think if someone is craving if the man is craving lots of feminine energy >> from you know like and he's making new friends I'm not talking about established relationships but if he's out there progress aggressively or not aggressively even marginally making new female friends then there is something missing in his life. if he's seeking the feminine energy outside of the container of the monogous relationship that exists. So, I'd be curious to want to know what's the motivation for making new platonic friends versus existing platonic friends. So I just want to uh differentiate that >> and I suspect if that's the case then the relationship is not then you might want to consider a polyamorous relationship at that point or something where there's an open relationship um because something is >> part indicates the sex piece. >> Oh that's right open. Okay. I'm talking about um you know it's still a monogous relationship but you have some understanding about what's deeply what's really deeply going on in that particular case. Hey I'd love to hear your thoughts on that one Ronnie. So post some additional information for us as well. >> Uh Angela wants to come back and says thank you for your valuable opinion Paul and John you're my favorite couple. Uh thank you so much coming back to platonic emotional relationships. Why does a man need a platonic emotional relationship if he is committed to one woman? It doesn't make sense that men want attention and validation from women. You know, first off, attention and validation, you know, platonic friend might not be about validation from the opposite sex. So, I want to clarify that. What's nice about my female friends is that they're different from my male friends. You know, I actually they're kind of more fun in a way. Yeah, females are way more fun than males, you know, with each other. I mean, you know, because men can be very adversarial to one another. We can be competitive towards one another. Oftentimes when I get together with some of my oldest and dearest friends, it's kind of like a it's a competition. And it's not like that when you're with women. I love women. They give you the emotion point of view. There's a softness to them. >> Speak chicks. >> Well, I Yeah, I speak chick. So, um, but I don't need validation from women. I get plenty. I get an abundance from this beautiful partner that I have next to me. Um, but that but I'm going to tell you the why I love fem women. Women should be revered and loved. you know, I don't mean sexually, you know, if you're in a monogous relationship, but I I don't see the problem with it. It's like, and here's the danger, Angela. When you put your partners as your sole um what's the word? Um >> source >> source of nourishment of of attention and validation. man, you're setting yourself up potentially for a needy relationship. Um, and so forth because we need outside sources and it men aren't enough. We men need women. In fact, it's the I didn't become emotionally available if it wasn't for the females in my life. >> Yeah. No, I agree. You know, my ex-husband was the same way. He liked hanging out with women way more than men and he was devoted to me. I mean, there was not. So, >> you know, I don't think I I think that um >> I probably like your ex. I think I like women more than probably you probably enjoy him. Um but I you know I think I think that there is there's an assumption being made there that he's looking for attention and validation when in fact there might be something you know simply camaraderie that he doesn't have existing right now. So, >> I want to come back to this because Ronnie and um my Okay, so my um my name is Melt says I think he's having a backup plan. This is coming back to Ronnie's comment. So, and I want to address that. But Ronnie goes on to say, "Thank you. Well said, Jonathan. The man has ego issues. Needs constant reinforcement from as many women as possible. He does not >> He does need attention and validation. >> He does not want me to be part of any of the meetings." Okay, this gives us more uh intel with the women friends. That's suspicious to me. I walked away after a year. >> Um well, >> probably good move. >> Yeah. you know, to the extent that either whatever need wasn't being met in the relationship, if he has, you know, is an insatiable appetite where he needs constant validation from women, then there's probably some sort of emotional deficiency going on inside that he's not capable of a fully committed relationship with you, even though he s said he was monogamous and exclusive in that particular case. But I want to differentiate between the men who like in my particular case I have wonderful platonic relationships. I know so many of the men in my life you know like you know the men that were here over the weekend you know they have platonic relationships with women and that doesn't cross the boundary of their >> but partly because the women those platonic women are also part >> of the couple's lives too like you're familiar with Tammy you've spoken or my friend Tammy and whatnot. So >> yeah, >> Angela, do you have something to say? >> I also want to add I think that there's a difference in relationship in the in the structure of those relationships that recognizes the other person as their beloved that there's no question >> in there. And so and so there's a safety and and um >> it's a safe container. >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Uh, and Angela thinks that the guy has daddy or mommy issues. I have daddy issues, too. All right. Mirthth has a comment. Why must men when they are Wait. Why must men when they are infidelity, they emotionally abuse their spouse? Is that if a if a man is unfaithful, he also abuses his mom. >> You know, listen, I'm not a psychologist. Neither one of us are. So I don't think we can get into the deep uh you know uh you know DSM what's going on you know whether a person has avoidant attachment style bipolar borderline you know um certainly somebody who has a nature of I would say I want to differentiate between physical abuse and emotional abuse. >> It was emotional on the question. >> Oh emotional abuse. there's usually a deep severe pain inside that person. Uh and their only outlet is to you take it out on someone else. >> And not not to suggest we humans don't say cruel things to our partners. You know, there's times we've had what's called jackal words to one another, but that's not an ongoing thing. It's just the occasional moment. But for someone who has an ongoing um he's also unfaithful. Um you know I I guess mirth do you want to be in relationship with that guy? And I don't think that's the case. >> I mean it it does beg you know what the question what what are your boundaries around this? >> Yeah. So, >> so I want to share with everybody um something that um in my in my private group midlife love mastery a question came in said you know what are you looking for in a relationship to the group members >> okay >> and and I thought about it myself though even though I'm in a relationship I wanted to think of I was thinking of the question what am I looking for in a relationship before I met you okay >> so I responded to the group and this is what I responded I want to share this with you. >> So, I wrote down >> if I'm being honest, what I was looking for before meeting Paula now differs from what I found. >> And I'm sharing this because I didn't realize how important this is. Before meeting her, I wanted a strong connection on the very first meeting. The problem with that thinking was that I really didn't understand what connection really meant. I assumed it was chemistry or attraction, but after meeting her, I learned that connection was about friendship and really liking the person for who they are. And I would and I was and if I was being liked in return for who I am. This is such a rare experience. And what I learned is that because Paul and I vibe together, I mean, we really vibe together. our values, our thoughts, our feelings, our humor, our ideology, our spirituality, our lifestyle and communication skills, which demonstrates emotional maturity. If I had to start over, I'd be looking for my best friend first. >> And I'm sharing this with everybody. Thank you. I'm sharing this with everybody because I really didn't get this piece until I met you >> of how important um friendship and and this is such a neb nebulous thing. It's like okay trying to describe friendship is like trying to grab a cloud. Remember that cloud we saw low cloud like grabbing it and holding on to it. I don't know how to differentiate between that excitement of lust and lirance and genuinely like knowing like liking somebody for who they are not what you think they are and not how they make you feel. I know I'm said a lot of words salad but you have any thoughts on this? >> I I very much do. I I remember saying to you around day four or so, we were on the phone. I mean, that's all we were was on the phone for the most part. >> And I said, "Gosh, I really like you. I like you like you." >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> And it was like something I would say to a really, really good friend who I had just made. And um I'm you've all had it out there, I'm sure, where you know, you meet somebody and you just have this sort of kindred spirit thing going on and and and you start, you know, talking about your experiences and your stories and, you know, and and and and your values and the things that you hold dear and all of these things and you go, gosh, I really really freaking like you, you know? Yeah. >> And and I I don't I don't know of any other relationship that I have felt like that >> excuse me Dan has got to me now so you know and and likewise 100% likewise and where I said earlier we were vibing on and as I reflect upon it our values our thoughts our feelings our humor ideologies our spirituality you know our communication skills you know we we Um um we were just vibing with each other. >> Yeah. >> At that first meeting and those 10 phone calls um or those 10 days of calls, there was this vibe of of reciprocity and discourse and and and and I want to share with everyone when I talk with Paula, we talk with each other. We're not talking at each other. And I think in all my past experiences, it felt like I talked I was being talked at, >> not with there was and and I think the the crux of it was based on curiosity. >> Like it would be like you'd ask a question, I'd share an answer and you would say, "Tell me more. Can you go deeper?" Like there was this drill down of wanting to get to like the root of what was going on and vice versa. This is the seeking understanding piece. We both had it. I felt it with you with me. >> And it that >> continue. >> That that's seeking understanding. So, so you're a very curious creature. >> Yeah. >> You know, and and we talked about curiosity right in the direct messages. >> Yeah. >> On, you know, before we ever got to meet and you asked, there was something you you asked >> and I said, >> um, I believe that uh, >> do you want me to find the message? >> No, no. I I'm pretty sure I I can paraphrase. Okay. >> Uh it was something to the effect of I believe those who do not have curiosity lack imagination. >> Yes. >> And um I believe that to be true. >> Can I might also lack imagination. Yeah. You you prefaced it with a little bit of like not an absolute. And I I want to just give credit like it wasn't some sort of you know blanket statement but I I and I'm I'm the extent that I wanted to to uh you know elaborate on that >> is that I think when I really sit with what makes our relationship so juicy, delicious, all these, you know, and I say juicy and delicious because it it feels like biting into a fruit of watermelon. and just the liquid just dripping down my face in the sense that I love it is that there is such a strong friendship between us. It it really it permeate permeate permeates permeates and it oozes out of the connection. And I think back to my past relationships and while you know there was some affinity towards each one it wasn't like that that feeling like you could say anything to them and it be okay >> and want to know more >> and want to Oh god. Yeah. Yeah. With you it's always like I'm like I want to know more. I want to know more. I want to know more. you know, and it just struck me when you said talking at versus talking with, you know, I think to to to go deeper into that. >> Um, it's almost uh I mean, I know I've been on dates where I've had to like fraud. >> Yeah. >> And there's nothing coming back at all. >> Um, and then some will come back, >> but then it falls sort of flat. like it's almost like they're thinking about the next line to talk at me with or the next story to tell me >> instead of really diving into what I just said and being present really being present >> in the wherever that's going that >> story line whatever that conversation is. So, what's fascinating to me is we're both, you know, we I work from home, you're retired, you're an artist. We we spend a lot of time together. Like, a lot. Okay. And I don't think we ever have a day where we get sick of each other. >> No. >> I mean, sure, we you go into the studio and you want some space, but you're not sick of me and I'm not sick of you. And I think and so you know if you put people in an incubator and had to put them together for like weeks on end where they just had to be with each other like oh co did this for how many people didn't survive co >> and and I think you and I would have been swimming in co and be like oh yeah that's kind of our life anyway is that we're with each other 247 and I'm bringing this up is I think part of the reason why so many casual relationships ship exist, situationships exist, um, uh, hookups exist is because people don't know how to be with each other >> for an extended period of time and genuinely like like we are never short of conversation. Yeah, we we folks, we can go down rabbit holes. I mean, it's like fascinating to me where it's like a new what do you always say I do every morning? Six >> Oh, you you think of six impossible things before breakfast. Yeah. >> And then we're usually talking about them over coffee. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> It's the Alice and Wonderland part of the story. Um, but you know, when I think of the best relationships, >> I think of people that can just just love talking with each other. I mean, they love talking with each other. And if you find yourself like, you know, some of the things that were shared here, emotional abuse, they're seeking relationships from other women, you know, um, you know, some some of these aspect >> question if that's really what you want. >> Yeah. Like what do you really want? And to the extent that I understand why so many women are ex men and women are exiting the dating pool, it's because they don't believe it can you can be found. And let me just say this, >> we didn't get here by accident. You know, it took a lot of inner work to get to the place where we could be prepared for one another. And and to that extent, those of you that genuinely have done the inner work, I don't want you to lose hope if you genuinely want a relationship. And to the extent that social media is beating it out of you, >> Yeah. >> I want to I want to be a beacon for hope. hope. >> Don't feed that wolf. >> Yeah, please don't feed that wolf. You know, there are plenty of wonderful human beings out there that have a capacity to grow. They may not be there yet, but they can grow. And my hope is that you have hope around this. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let us know. We'd like to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below. Do our best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, you find value in these. Do you feel good about what we just shared? >> Absolutely. I'm complete. >> Okay. If you f if you found value in this video, please hit the like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to the channel. Hit that notification bell. If you want to connect, there's links below. Lots of links below. Click any one of them if you want to connect uh and we can go from there. Hey folks, thanks for the love. Um Angela wants to just point out great message Sean and Paula. There is hope in this world. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I agree. I agree. I agree. Uh and and for those that have lost hope, I'm hoping that you see us as role models in the area. You can get the kind relationship that we believe we have now. And we're still only a year and a half in. So, you know, we'll let you know more in 20 years. >> All right, everyone. Wishing you all a super duper wonderful day. Be well. Thanks. Give me a hug. Bye now. Bye, everyone. Bye.