I'm In My 60s | How To Get A My Man To Love Me More?

talk about these things to deeply bond with a person. That's going to be our conversation today. What do you think we need to talk about today? >> Everything we talk about. >> Oh my god. [laughter] People might think we're exhausting the way we talk. >> There's some depth and meaning in our conversations. >> Yeah. Well, you know, it it occurs to me that a lot of the co dating coaches out there and the content out there isn't really centered around building friendship >> through what we talked about in a recent video about discourse and and thoughts and ideas. Many couples spend their time talking about logistics and other people and current events and TV shows and family drama and the divorce they're going through or and whatnot. And rarely do they talk about things that build genuine intimacy. >> Yeah. >> Real connection and bonding. Um I've observed and I want your take on this. Most couples share information but they're not exchanging their inner world. I would say there's a lot of truth to that particularly in the beginning of a relationship or in the beginning of dating and courting. >> Yeah. >> Well, yeah. Well, I think that's because you want to build familiarity with someone. It's kind of like >> true. You want to know what your shared experiences are, but I think, you know, I'm one of those people who I don't I like to go in the deep pretty quickly. >> Yeah. >> And I and I know a lot of women who are like that, >> but a lot of people would say you should not do that. You know, >> [ __ ] I call [ __ ] Why? >> Because I I think that it's important to I want to know about a person. I want to I you know Yes. I'd like to know do they like the same music or have they watched some of the same shows or do they you know what what do they do that we could share together? Those type of things. >> Yeah. >> Okay. But I'm going to say both and >> not it's not an eitheror. >> Okay. And I know a lot I know some some of your people will say, "Oh, I try to go there, you know, with my guy, but he doesn't go there." Or, "I tried to go there on dates and it feels like an interview." You know, that type of thing. And I and I still call [ __ ] because I think that there's a way to do I think there's a way to do that when we when a woman goes out with another woman. >> Yeah. >> You know, in terms of just friendship and diving into the deep, so to speak. So, well, one thing I've recommended, and by the way, I have clients who have done this, is they watch our videos or watch some of my older videos before you you you jumped in to watch those videos and actually have conversations about what's discussed. >> Yeah. I mean, gosh, they could, you know, send off a real to their potential, you know, dating person and >> well, you know, trigger a conversation about something. >> Sure. Well, the reals are, but the reals and the shorts are are only a minute long. I'm talking about the longer, [laughter] >> you know, that's the sad thing. But at the same time, you know, you and I watch a movie. We'll watch a two-hour movie and it takes us four and a half hours to complete it. >> We'll we'll stop it and talk about what happened or >> what they just said or whatever. >> Well, but there's a value. >> We don't we don't do that that often, but >> we we Well, a two-hour movie will take us two hours and 20 minutes. >> It depends on the movie. Okay. But my point >> we watched Disclosure Day on TV, forget it. We would have been like, "Wait, what just happened?" [laughter] >> Um, but where I'm going is in in the healthy conversation. >> Yeah. >> When you're really being curious about how do you feel about this, you know, what you know, and and and the emotional and and biological and behavioral components of conversations. And I'm we're going to list a few in a minute. >> I think is where the real juice lies in connection. >> Hell yeah. >> Okay. >> So, so for the purpose of this video, I I I jotted down about a dozen topics you and I talk about on a regular basis. Okay. >> Okay. Now, some people I I I want to say this isn't for the faint of heart. you know, we're mere this isn't for everyone, but it's an invitation and it's and what I'm encouraging is the awareness around these conversations that can it actually build a deeper connection with the person you're with. >> Yes. >> And and by the way, these are in no particular order, so let me be clear about that. But I think one thing we talk about frequently is how do we feel? >> Yes. You want to expound on that? Well, you know, we don't start our day with how's your day. >> Although I do morning or how'd you sleep? >> Yeah, I will say how you sleep. I do ask how you sleep. >> We do just because I'm a light sleeper. >> But we talk about our thoughts and our feelings around fears, insecurities, doubts, gratitude, excitement, what's happening in our inner world. We talk I will say that an example of us would be you know oh you had a conversation and without revealing things you know it's oh well how did you how did you feel about that like going into the deeper like how'd you feel about that and did you identify with that and like there's it's it it's the it's the dropdown menu right how'd you feel about it what was going on for you with that you know what what did you think about that you know and I I think that that that those are the questions that you know we don't get past sometimes. >> So it is said that men are logical creatures and women are emotional creatures and men don't want to get into the emotional stream. Um what's interesting is I think men to some degree there's an absolute truth to that. Men can be very single focused minded until they're given a chance. >> Yes. And this goes back to when we had dinner a few weeks back with a with a group of people and you were sitting next to my best my oldest and dearest friend who I've said isn't very much of an emotional talker. >> Yeah. And I'm like I go into the deep with this guy in about 3 seconds flat >> and and he welcomes it. >> Yeah. He welcomes it. So So I believe to some degree now let me just be clear. I think there are men out there that will completely reject >> shut down. But are they your guys anyway? >> That's the question. At least in the early stage of the dating, you might want to explore, is this the person I want to be with if they're not going deep early on? >> Yeah. >> You know, some of the other things we talk about is how we experience love like what does love mean to us? What does our our our experience of from an emotional standpoint, what love means to us, how it feels to us, how we embody it. >> I think it's an important conversation and especially in the early days. >> Well, you might not be in love with a person on first, second, third, fourth, fifth date. >> Absolutely. >> Okay. Um but certainly as a relationship progresses I think you know you know a lot of people will take months many many months before they say I love you. >> Yeah. >> But you'll be physically intimate with this person. Isn't it kind of interesting that physical intimacy happens before love? >> I I know first of all I know there's a lot of women out there that will say no. I wait until I really feel the thing. [laughter] >> Okay. Um, that being said, yes, I think there are many who will experience physical intimacy as part of the test, as part of the like, how do I really feel about this person? Is my heart involved? >> Yeah. >> You know, we were just watching a video on that, >> you know, about that where she was like, I kind of got a little physical with them and then I was kind of like, I'm not sure I really want to explore a relationship. >> Well, now this gets into a question of, you know, you've invested a little bit of time. You've gone on a, you know, maybe a dozen dates. You like the person, but >> I'm going to chalk it up to not enough data. >> Okay. Well, well, but you could spend years, you could spend years trying to figure out data. >> Yes, you can. But there is a there is a moment that we can a step over ourselves. Yeah. >> And just keep on pushing towards well, this is this relationship has this, this, and this. >> Yeah. >> You know, I know I've done that in the past. Um, or you can recognize that there's a little twinge of like something's not quite right here and you're trying to push into something that steps over your boundaries yourself, your alignment. >> I've I've experienced what I'm about to share and I'm sure many of you have too. You start to date someone, you like parts of them. There's a couple you're like, "Oh, you know, you know, you're feeling like, oh, I don't like the, you know, uh, they chew with their mouth open." I don't know. I'm just making up something. Something that's an ick, but it's not an ick blowing up a relationship. >> But you're a few weeks in, a few maybe a month in, and you're just not feeling this feeling. We'll call it whether we call it love, whether we call it something, whatever that something to them, let's just say. Um, and then you're dancing between, you're like a pachinko ball. You're dancing between, "God, I like these things about them." And this is the tricky part because you might stay in it much longer, but what you're not doing in many cases is having that conversation with the other person. >> Well, and it begs the question, why? >> Yeah. And so, but you're physically coming back to physically intimate with this person, but you're not talking about what's in your heart. So >> well, and I don't want to spend too much time on this because we have a lot more to cover. >> Um it's the idea is >> I believe the minute two people are physically intimate with one another, it opens the door to have deeper conversations. It it should open the door to talk about what's in your heart. Now, okay, I'm going to go through this list because we could spend all day on just that part of conversation. [laughter] >> Okay. One of the things that we've talked about, we continue to talk about is our childhood stories and our origin stories meaning meaning our past relationships. Yeah. >> And how they formed how we operate today. >> Yes. >> You know, >> well, all right. So, let me let me piggyback on that if I can. Okay. You know, an example would be um I've talked about, you know, how it was instilled in me by my mother. >> Yeah. that I uh I don't need a man. >> Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> That I don't need a man. And how that plays into even our relationship. >> Yeah. >> You know that that I I I wouldn't So there is the that crossover between almost like yin and yang that that's the piece that I need. It's it's the it's the it's the coming up through um my myself and my own awarenesses and whatnot that brings me to yes, I need a man, but I need it for different reasons than, you know, he needs to pay for my my bills. He needs to, you know. >> Okay. Well, I Okay, >> that's that's that's where I'm going with that. I get that. I need I need a man for the the piece of me that needs to expresses express love and receive love. >> Okay. But where I'm going is that we talk about our pet. Let's talk about what we talk about. not what happened in childhood, but we're aware that our childhood and our and our previous relationship scripts and the way we were socialized with them and just the experience itself can affect our current our relationship. Totally. And so we talk about those things in the moments of when there's like a little like a little moment where there's an ick, you know, like I said something that irritated you. And when we go through the thread, we're like, "Oh, this like this was my mother issue that came up. My mother and I had this kind of relationship or my father and I had this kind of relationship and that's how it showed up." My point is, and I don't want to belabor this one too much longer, is that we have those conversations to kind of better understand ourselves and how we operate in our relationship. Which leads to another conversation that we spend a significant amount of time in is in the area of personal growth and self-awareness. >> Yeah. >> You know, um we are fascinated with the question of why did I >> why did I react this way when this happened kind of thing. >> Yeah. Um, and one of your things that matters to you, one of the things you told me matters to you is is both for yourself, for the person you're with, but just even your social circle and humanity in general is humans that live a self-examined life. >> Yeah. >> You know, you know what's interesting? I come across so much content on social media that's ragebait. >> Yes. And and what bothers me about it, it's all coming from the victim consciousness. >> I It's victim consciousness. It's some It's some way to gather in community or tribe against a >> tribalism. Yeah. >> Yeah. It's kind of tribalism. Yeah. >> Yeah. And I I think, you know, one of the things it's an old quote and I don't even know who it comes from. It's like, you know, could be niche niche for all I know, but um it's that we um that you know, one of the purposes of of life is to live a life fully examined. And >> would you say examined or expressed? >> Well, I would say both. Okay. Okay. >> I would say both because I believe that awareness is the first step on the road to recovery. Right. >> You always say >> yes. So um so if that is the case and we can become aware that is how we get to the point of full self-expression >> is to examine >> be self-expressed. >> No I would agree. So the idea my my point is and I again each one of these I don't want to spend 20 minutes on which we absolutely could is that personal growth self-awareness is a topic of conversation that we engage in on a regular basis and again I'm inviting people to watch this video with a partner to talk about these topics and to see how you relate to it how it feels for you what what what things could you add to this conversation. Yeah. And how are you willing to explore it with your other? >> And one of the hot topics we talk about hot topics is the meaning of relationships. Now, we talk about it both in the world of the dating realm, but we talk about what does this our relationship mean to us >> and and in that we talk about the vision, our future vision within the relationship. Um I think a lot of people go silent in this area. Well, and and I think sometimes, especially over time, if you're with someone a year, two years, you know, >> to continually ask yourself like, why am I here? >> Like, how is this serving me or us? >> This relationship, >> how are we serving out in the world together? You know, why am I here? Like, are we just going through the motions? And I don't know. I've been in relationship where >> I've been going through the motions. >> Most going through the motions. You're getting some companionship, some connection, some physical intimacy, but there's not a real allin piece. >> And one of the most important facets of an all-in relationship is one of the things that I'd like to think we're good at, and that is repairing when there's riffs. >> Oh, hell yeah. >> And and and I I want to give you a lot of credit for that because you're very, you know, you're not just diplomatic. You come from the heart when something feels a miss. And you might, you know, you might not stew on it. You might um process it for 24 hours. >> Yeah, I'll sit on it, >> but you you sit on it. Much better uh characterization. You'll sit on it, but you bring it to my attention. Usually I have like this immediate defensiveness that comes up. Yeah. And And only because I don't like I I know what you're bringing up is probably truth. and I don't like when I step on my toes kind of thing, you know? So, but uh repairing when there's rips is an important part of any successful relationship >> and not holding it in. Like I know a lot of women who are like they're like 11 years ago you said this. You know, it's like you held on to it for that long. In fact, if you watch any of the top relationship coaches and and or therapists and all that, they talk about conflict resolution skills as being an imperative to a successful relationship. And to the extent that, you know, that's not something easily taught either. You know, that's not like teaching that to someone else isn't an easy thing. You do this through practice. You do it through repetition. You do it through communication and and a willingness to want to repair. Both people have to want to repair. And it's not I'm, you know, it's I'm right, you're wrong. >> And and to back up on all the others, a willingness to be aware, a willingness to go into, you know, an openness to say, I'll look at this. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. So, so one of the through lines in our relationship, and again, I I put together a dozen. We're only covering a few right now. Um, is gratitude and appreciation. >> Oh, you are so good at it. [laughter] >> No, you really are, babe. I got to give you a, you know, some pats on the back for this. You You wake up in gratitude and it's like, I wish the world would have this, you know. >> Well, you know what? I I'll be candid with you. I I feel really lucky to be with you, >> but you're also grateful about a lot of life. It's not just us. And I think the, you know, I think it's it is part awareness and, you know, being honed in on some of the things, but to to to carry around gratitude is and it sometimes, you know, refers out into um what's the word I'm looking for? like uh you know one of the things Joe Despensza talks about that gratitude is actually an expression of some things that you might not even have. >> Yeah. >> Yet >> you know and it's and it is it's but you come from this place and it's beautiful. >> A well thank you and and likewise you know I believe um that couples who don't express gratitude at least towards each other once a day >> Yeah. you know, you're going to start bu taking people for granted. And by the way, we I do it I know with you like a dozen times a day and I'm exaggerating, but I mean I I I look I look for moments to when I say I look for moments, it might be simply when it's not thank you because you cooked dinner for example or but it's like I appreciation. There's a different energy between thank you and appreciation. >> Yes. Um, this is the last one I want to talk about and then there's another topic I want to cover with you >> is I think we have the ability to understand how the other person thinks >> like do you remember we were on vacation and we both said something at the exact same time. Now I don't mean finishing each other's sentence. It's like >> I was thinking it and you were thinking at the same time. >> Okay, but that doesn't happen a lot. I think what that is is an understanding well what it's just being ourselves. >> Okay. But where I'm why I'm bringing this up in this context is is is also appreciating those moments when it happens because I think that's both our catnip and our our secret sauce if you will. You know, it's the we we genuinely think about how the other person thinks. >> Yes. And when we're we're by the way, >> and if we don't, we'll ask like what do you think about that? So there is >> Well, there's no doubt about it. We um we were on vacation the other day and we were walking down the street. I just was so I want to say flabbergasted. I was just so amazed and we both said the same thing at the same time, which was a random thing. >> Yeah. And and I just think that again the embodiment of real intimacy, really being connected with a person. And so for the purpose of this conversation, all this is is an invitation for you to go there to have deeper conversations. again. Watch this video with someone. Talk about it. Talk about things. Which actually leads me to something I want to talk about today. Is the whole masculine and feminine polarity conversation a real thing? >> Oh my gosh. >> And share why I want to talk about this. >> Okay. This was one of the first things that we talked about on our coffee date. >> On our first meeting. >> On our very first meeting. Well, and we might have even had it on the phone conversation beforehand. Well, we actually had it on a text conversation. >> Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, we did. Okay. >> So, give the backstory for everyone. >> So, so we met three times on dating apps. The first time was on Bumble and I texted you, right? Yeah. You text me. >> We're still trying to remember that. Well, I'm he remembers it. I'm like, not so much. >> Um, so I texted him uh and I think I might have asked the same thing. He had a stack of books and I think we started talking about something >> a photograph of a stack of books and somehow I I think the conversation because she I knew she was a woo woo chick turned into polarity and around masculine and feminine polarity and we had a text exchange with each other >> that was real >> like we had slightly difference of opinion. Yeah. >> Okay. Slightly not radically different >> but it was enough for us to drop the ball. >> Yeah. And and I don't want to belabor that either. Where I'm going with is >> on our first meeting, >> we didn't start with, you know, do you like sushi? Me, too. Do you like it? But what ended up happening was we had an interesting conversation around the concept of masculine and feminine polarity. >> It was about polarity in general. >> Okay. Getting into the deep, >> but I want to share why we did this. >> Yeah. Well, first we wanted to understand how the other person thinks. Yes. Like for me, I wanted to understand your thought process around something that actually gives me the ick is the whole masculine. So for me, >> more. >> So I there is a lot of rhetoric out there in the coaching industry that talks about masculine and feminine polarity. And let me give you some examples because we had a conversation about this and why I I'm even sh why I wanted to share this with everybody is that our first meeting started with an exchange of ideas. Yes. With exchange of feelings with an exchange of of our ideologies and so many people talk about you like sushi, me too. you like this which is great to to find those familiar things but is there really a depth of conversation >> and is there a connection in the depth somewhere >> so so what end up happening was I was telling Paula that I think a lot of content out there and by the way she know you know I'm a dating and relationship coach so this is something important to me and quite frankly you study human behavior too so it's important to you as well >> is that >> for example let me give one example of a conversation we had within this conversation was that um I've heard that for a woman to surrender to her feminine, a man has to be a certain way. So the man has to be in leadership roles and she he has to plan and pay for dates and otherwise she can't surrender to her feminine. Yeah. >> And my feeling is look a man doesn't a woman just is she's either in her feminine or not. It's not predicated based on what the man did. >> And that's what I said to you. I said, "I don't need to have a man do things for me for me to feel feminine." >> Okay. However, before that conversation, you believed that rhetoric was true. >> Okay. what I believe. So, this was our conversation and I and I wasn't all into the, you know, he needs to be, you know, paying for meals or, you know, taking me out on trips and deciding where we're going and that type of thing in order for me to be in my feminine. And I know, and I felt like this for decades, that I don't need a man to do or be a certain way for me to be a certain way. Okay. That's called sovereignty. >> Yes. But the reason Okay, finish your thought. >> So our conversation, you know, that first dating app happened, the second one, I think it fell apart. By the time the third one happened, we were back in this conversation again. And um and and so by the time we sat down for coffee, it was five hours of this. And and and and my my argument at the time was, well, Jonathan, what about cording? Right? How does it work if a guy uh is is is you know where does the intention lie around coming into relationship? Let's assume that we're we both want relationship. >> Where does the intention lie? How does it show itself? >> How does it show itself? And and what you said to me is and I'll I'll never forget this and it's what actually brought me to the dark side. >> Okay. [laughter] When you said to me, "Well, why does a, you know, what is it about a man paying for a few meals that makes him masculine? In other words, if you pay for a few meals, does that make you masculine?" And I was like, "No, it just makes me generous." >> Yeah. >> And you said, "Well, what makes him making the uh the dinner date reservation masculine?" if you make them the dinner date, does that make you masculine? I'm like, no, I do it with my friends all the time. >> Um, I'm gonna piggyback on this. There was more that I said to this where I was going is when a woman is, >> you know, so a lot of this feminine energy coaching and dating stuff like that there as >> Yeah. says, "When a when a woman is controlling, when she's overtly ambitious, when she's ridiculously busy, she's in her masculine." Okay, just hear me out. This is the rhetoric out there. This is the story. So, I said, when a man is controlling, overtly ambitious, consistently busy, does that is that an attractive trait? Is like in other words, why are we associating that with masculinity was one of my arguments. And if a guy is open and receptive to love, does that put him in his feminine energy, you know, or is it like it's like in other words, there's this there's this narrative as if the bad things that a woman does is masculine and the bad things that a man does is feminine, >> right? >> That there's an by the way, why are you tagging it that way when it's just, you know what, if he's sensitive, that's why do we have to make that feminine or masculine? because what I my whole conversation >> was centered around the misconceptions around the the the topic of masculine feminine energy. Now the courting piece that we spent a fair amount talking about is what I said is how can I court someone I don't know I don't know you well enough to know on a first meeting I might know that I want to see you again but courting to me is an intentional approach to building a relationship with someone. It's the declaration of saying, "I want to explore a relationship with you, and within that, these are the things that I'd like to do." But if it's singular to a man, it's giving the man the power. Like if a woman says, "I want to be courted by a guy," you're giving him your relationship power. >> There's some truth to that. I agree. And this is where the rhetoric and again the coming back to folks >> we're having this debate if you will or conversation or discourse because I believe that there's so much rhetoric out there that poisons people that makes them, you know, screw up great opportunities because they get fixated on, well, a man has to be a certain way for a woman to be a certain way. And if a man isn't doing all these things that it's going to disrupt the whole masculine and feminine polarity and you know it's out of balance and this is where I I got kind of dramatic during our meeting too. >> All right. So I want to speak to a couple of things on this. All right. I want to come back to courtship in a minute because we need to define and we've been talking about this and I'm not sure there is clear delineation on what is dating, what is courtship and what is actually you're now in a relationship. Okay. >> Okay. I want I want you to think about that. But >> um >> so there are a lot of women out there who say well you know and especially in midlife like I don't want to be a nurse or a purse. >> Okay. >> And and I get that. Okay. Um you know but and and that speaks to something that's much deeper I think in terms of whether or not there is love in this relationship where you are all in. Because let's face it, in our 50s and 60s, we might be dealing with that and you just don't know. You just don't know what's going to happen in life sometimes. And I'm a perfect example of that, that [ __ ] has hit the fan. >> Okay. >> Um that being said, I think the uh the the real the real question about, you know, what is a man providing? I think a lot of women are looking for uh the provision of the heart. >> Okay. Okay. But they cloak it in feminine versus masculine. >> Okay. >> That it is it's wrapped in he's the protector and provider provision. >> Okay. >> And and I think that um we have to look at our value system these days and say what is it we're really here for? What are we looking for? Are we looking for for a guy who pays for a meal or are we looking for, you know, deep connection and empathy and, you know, and it's not an eitheror. I get it. Um, but where is the meaning behind whether or not they're paying for something? Is that the courtship piece that we really need? >> By the way, >> wait, let me just finish the thought. Is it the courtship piece we need or is the the courtship piece more wrapped in um whether or not the intention is around building a relationship and exploring a relationship with that other person. >> So, so this is where I get kind of irritated with conversations about, you know, a man says, "Can we split it on the first meeting?" Or he doesn't immediately like he's cheap and all this stuff. And by the way, a man paying for a date doesn't indicate >> zero indication of relationship success. Now, it might say now if he's it could demonstrate generosity, but rich people who pay for dates does not guarantee any relationship success. >> It also doesn't indicate whether they're rich. >> Okay. But I want to come back to you started to go down one train track and you got off track. Go ahead. is that coming back to the definition the idea of dating >> courting and then being in a relationship. Okay. >> Yes. So where's >> So these days not for everybody for most people dating is merely a a per a place to get entertained by one another. Okay, hear me out. The ex that most people expect the following in dating attraction, entertainment, romance, and physical connection. They are approaching it from that vantage point. Okay. Okay. Attraction determine whether they want to explore the relationship. >> Courtship is an intentional I want to explore a relationship with you. I'm just saying a lot of people date. By the way, I was watching a video the other day. A woman was talking about the five dates she went on this week and the five dates she went on the previous week and the five dates she went on the previous week. And I'm thinking to myself, why can't you be what's why are you going on so many dates? Are you just looking to be entertained by the guy? I mean, I I get the sense she genuinely wants a relationship, but when you're going on so much activity, it's become a sport and not a real vetting process. All I was just, >> you know, operating from that. >> There's some valid points in there. >> Okay. Now although I've been >> I think what women coming back to what you said about protection and provision I think what most women and to the guys listening to this is that they want to observe some level of certainty about >> you some level. In other words, how Okay, but here's where it gets tricky. We just talked about previously how you could be in a three months relationship and be a pachenko ball. You're not certain. >> You're not feeling it. So this is where the expectation that a man must climb to the highest room of the tallest tower for a woman and he plans and pays and does all these things. He doesn't know you maybe well enough to know if you are a person he wants to be in relationship. That's why it's called dating. Do you know why it's called dating? >> Why? >> Because holy [ __ ] [ __ ] trying to figure out another human being was taken in the dictionary [laughter] and they replaced it with the word dating. Okay. trying to figure out if you like this person, if you if you could love this person. All of this is a very complicated stew. >> Yeah. And what muddies this up and why I even why I want to shoot videos is that there's so much noise out in the advice world around well a man should do this and a man should do that and masculine energy is this and feminine energy that is corn and that and it's so confusing and I'm sure many of you are just like pulling your hair confused going I don't know what to do and what I want to share I want to share our life because I look at the year, you know, we just celebrated a year together by the time you're watching this video or at the time this video was recorded. >> And when I look at the if I connect the dots to how if I connect the dots meaning going backward to how to where we got >> the most important throughine started with our very first meeting >> was we talked with each other and not at each other. >> Yeah. We weren't trying to get something from the other person. In fact, if anything, we started very early on from a place of what can I give instead of what can I get? >> And and I'm and I'm being really sincere here, everyone. I I wasn't looking to get anything from you. Even the sex piece didn't happen right away. I wasn't looking to get the physical connection from you. What happened was a natural progression of friendship. And what so few coaches teach, you know, is how to build a genuine friendship with another person, how to determine if you can be friends. And why is this so important? Because you know, the person you end up with is the person that if you were locked in a room for the rest of your life, is this a person you could talk with for the rest of your life? you know, and and we just watched a movie where um a um a couple dies and they're in they're at the way station of eternity and and and the the woman was married to two separate men and they showed up in this way station before at the same time. >> Yeah. At the same time. And the idea is who would you want to spend the rest of your life with? >> Yeah. And I think from a dating perspective, we're so caught up like, "Oh my god, he was cheap because he made me split the bill." We get so caught up in the mundane, you know, minuscule things instead of the real juice of am I talking to this person from my heart? >> Are we talking about our emotions and our feelings? Does this other person get how I think? Are we moving towards that or are we just looking to get entertained? And okay, I'm done rattling off on that. Let's put a bow on the whole first date conversation. >> Well, and so at what point would you say, how would you define courting? >> You know, I defined it at the moment I knew I wanted to explore a relationship with you. I simply made my intentions known. And from that point on, courting for me was being present >> with you. Yep. >> Being >> You were already present though. >> Okay. I was already present. To be vulnerable, to be authentic, to be transparent. >> You were all of those already. >> And to establish a genuine interest of wanting to explore this at a deeper level. And from that moment, it wasn't roaming. It wasn't bringing you f flowers that was courting. It wasn't planning on a trip or doing something spectacular. It was simply the intention of I want to explore something deeper with you. >> So would you say that I had your full presence? >> The only thing I questioned in you know and there was remember I kept saying like are we really doing this? >> Yes. So there was always a little bit of fear that was based on my past experiences of being disappointed and you know putting myself I didn't I didn't want to get overly attached to you >> or excited if it was >> excited if it wasn't going to work out. >> So >> So that's still the courtship phase, don't you think? >> Yeah. But where I'm going is most people think of a traditional courtship is a man has to do all these things so the woman feels chosen. And let me say something. Men want to be chosen just as much as women want to be chosen. And if anyone says otherwise, that's a [ __ ] croc of [ __ ] because men want to feel want to feel chosen, too. There's so much emphasis that and by the way, I'm >> doing a lot of the talking. [laughter] Well, I I think there's so much emphasis on look at >> one of the things couples are looking for is emotional connection, safety, and respect and being cherished. That's by the way, that's usually what women want. I reserve it just for the women. >> Exactly. That's my exact point. >> So to put a bow on the masculine and feminine conversation that we had. I think a all I want to say and I want I want you to put a bow on it is um a lot of people put so much emphasis around that and really what matters most is how you show up. Are you being vulnerable? Are you being authentic? Are you being transparent? which has nothing to do with masculine and feminine energy. It's just who you are as a person. >> Yeah. >> And if we spend so much time trying to figure out this polarity piece, are you being 80% masculine and you're being 20% feminine? Are you being 22% masculine and I have to be this? If you're spending all this time trying to figure out polarity, you're going to drive yourself crazy. That was my argument to you. And and and in that argument, I uh I I I believe I I came over from a feeling or a thinking that this was going to be um the way of my my life, that whoever he is was going to serve me in our relationship in in a different way. And the fact of the matter is that I now fully understand acceptance um from the standpoint of receiving in a way that I think had to drop the masculine feminine piece. >> Yeah. And just but basically at the end of the day what was most important to me to get out of that conversation was can we just show up as two human beings without the male female >> expectations and the rhetoric and can we just be two human beings connecting with one another. Okay. >> I'd like to hear your well we'd like to hear your thoughts on what we just shared. Post a comment below. Do our best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always you find value in these videos. Please hit the like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to the channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if you want to connect, there's links below. Schedule a discovery call.