I'm In My 60s | Does Getting Married In A Church Matter?

question. Can you read that? >> Oh, she's hitting us hard. Angela's asking the tough ones. Why do you only talk about our marriage certificate and not talk about why people should have a wedding in a church and and include God in the relationship? >> So, I I guess the the question is you there you those you can have both. You can do one that's a spiritual marriage in front of witnesses and you know, God's there all the time anyway whether you're in a church or not. Um so so the question is there's a differentiating between a legal marriage and a spiritual marriage and you know >> we've been talking only I mean yeah I I just if I could just throw something in there um Jonathan neither Jonathan nor I are religious. We grew up with a little bit here and there. Um, but for the most part we we are not non-denominational, non-religious, very spiritual. >> Um, and so the conversation about having weddings in churches and whatnot, this to us is a very secular conversation. It's not a religious conversation at all. >> Okay. >> So I want to I I think that's an important >> Yeah. And and to the extent that for those I um my parents my my father was Muslim, my mom was like I don't give a Uh but both my parents were born in Istanul, Turkey. Um I was not raised with any formal religion in the house. I did spend some time considering being born again at one point in my life. Uh read the Bible, didn't didn't relate to me. I've subsequently have created my own relationship with I call it Gus, God, universe, spirit, you know, uh God, universe, spirit. I feel like I have an amazing relationship with Gus. Um, and that's not a maledominated name, by the way. It's just God. It's an acronym for God, universe, spirit. Um, and and to that extent, um, this is, you know, you have to do what's right for you. You know, there there are I think there's something like a hundred different religions out there. And I'm I don't know if that's true or not. I'm just >> No idea. I used I studied world religions at one time and I >> Okay. So, there is a variety of different religions, you know, a variety of different way of looking at things. I think that's the beauty of the this experience called life. We don't have to follow what everybody else does. You get to co-cre And here's the key part of this conversation that Paul and I want to emphasize. You know, a relationship, as you said, is a sacred union, but more important, it's a co-creative relationship. It's not, you know, God, man, woman like this in our opinion. And I know that's pissing off a lot of people, but I'm going to say, you know, God's the umbrella, but you're both under it, you know, in in that sense. And you're both, you know, to that extent, you're both a co-creator in the relationship. >> So, um, again, uh, to answer your question, I think you can do a spiritual marriage. You can go get a certificate. Again, it's a one page with the the state, you know, just remember it's 39 pages when you want to move on from it. So, um, >> by the way, the two of us, and I I I I'm going to speak for myself, >> okay? >> We are I feel I am committed until my last breath >> being with you. >> A likewise. I feel the same way. >> There isn't a piece of paper in the world that will change that. Yeah, >> I got that sunlight behind my See, there's a halo over my head. [laughter] >> Okay, so uh Anukica wants to share this. She's from Nevada. Thanks for sharing that. And thanks for the $5 super sticker. >> Kathy wants to point out you're both gorgeous. Thank you for the compliment. I appreciate she's the better one. Yeah. >> Um >> great. Okay. Michelle, sweetheart Michelle, great sensitivity around religious partnerships. Jonathan Paula, I I I would I recognize that our point of view probably bristles people that it's very they're religious from that vantage point. >> And please, I am not here to cast any, you know, is it aspersions? I think so. >> Uh against anyone else's beliefs and I'm not suggesting you you even remotely have to adhere to our vantage point. We're more important. What matters more to us that you're having these conversations with someone. What matters most is are you talking from the heart. Are you having these conversations about money and and sex and rock and roll and health in the form of I was going to say sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Drugs now is far you know your your doctor prescription. [laughter] >> It's a um plant. >> No, no, no. We're going there. All right. Angela uh wants to add, we all need money to survive and we should talk about finances. Money and God are two different things. A wedding is a way to include God as your best friend and provider in a relationship. I I am full agreement you know um and to that extent that's why whether it's a it's a you know marriage in itself itself is a sacred union. The rel you know the piece of paper you certificate is with the government. Those are two separate things. I don't think the I don't think the church is even remotely involved in the process of a marriage certificate, is it? No. So, so to answer that question, spiritual. Yeah, that's the legal government part. But the spiritual part, Angela, I'm in agreement with you, you know, if you if that's important to you. >> Okay. Um, which it sounds like it is. >> CP was child >> Oh. Oh, sorry. Very quickly for those that were curious, CP stood for child porn. That is um that's scary. Um, and I don't want to go down that road. Yeah. Okay. Uh, Anukica says, "Do you think men see spiritual marriage being the same level of commitment as traditional marriage? Your thoughts?" [snorts] You know, I I guess it depends on the man who's making the commitment. You know, I I don't again I I think the the fallacy here is that the marriage certificate somehow binds two people together. uh in some unbreakable way and it doesn't I mean again we just pointed out that if marriage you know ends at a 50% rate first marriages and second and third marriages and at a 60 to 70% rate the certificate itself doesn't bind what binds is the commitment you make to one another and quite frankly I'm [clears throat] sorry I'm overstepping here not overstepping but oversharing is that I I think what matters most is again if a relationship is not right for one person, it's not right for the other person. >> Yeah. >> Now, if you have financial assets together and those types of things, that's where a, you know, a domestic partnership could step in. Uh, a prenuptual. I I don't Can you do a prenup without being married? >> I I think that might be domestic. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know the answer, but you know, I I'm going to throw my hat in the ring on this one. You know, I think that um she was asking whether or not it's uh a spiritual marriage is felt the same way as a traditional marriage. >> And I I want to say, Anukica, I've been in I've been in relationships where um we were not looking for a marriage certificate. And there was strong commitment, very, very strong commitment. And um for whatever reason, they're not they're not in my life anymore. the commitment was there >> and and again I think that um I'm I'm with Jonathan on this. I don't think that we need to have the piece of paper. I would much let me put it this way and I think men are men think very similarly that I think that human beings are looking for and I think Tony Robbins talks about this certainty. >> Yes. And um that that certainty is the is one of the very deepest values that we can hold >> not only for oursel but in relationship and I I think that where there is >> commitment and and it's heartfelt and it's strong and it's obvious and it's all the things that that that that there isn't a piece of paper that can tell me it's more ultimate than that. And I would imagine most human beings, I'm going to say male or female are the same way. >> Yeah. I I would think to the extent that a spirit, you know, I I would think Well, I know a couple who is they they have a spiritual marriage. They have a cuba, but they don't have a certificate with the government. >> It's a Jewish um it's like the Jewish spirit fasting. >> Yeah. and the vows and all that kind of stuff and and to the extent that I I think you know even though you know he probably you know and and I'm I'm going to I'm going to give a scenario I'm making up a story here. Okay. >> Uh I think if he wanted to exit the relationship he still wouldn't. >> You know let me reframe that. That's not coming out right. I think he's as fully committed to the relationship whether it's a legal marriage or an unleal marriage. He's fully committed to the relationship. The fact that he could exit, you know, with with ease. It's because he's full committed to the marriage is why he's not exiting whether it's with whether he has a certificate with the government or not. >> Yep. It's like you were saying in the very beginning, what was it? You said someone can be married and emotionally checked out, not committed. >> Yeah. And someone could be unmarried and profoundly committed. >> Exactly. Exactly. Okay. I like what Kathy says. I'm on a spiritual. I am spiritual. I follow my gut. I'm shown signs when I'm on the right path. >> Yeah. >> You know, here's the thing. And again, we're probably stepping on some toes here. >> We are. I I think if you you know for those that believe that they are you know they walk with God and and they're God is is in that capacity of the divine creator in their lives then everything in your life is going exactly the way God planned. You know that's the beauty of it. Whether you choose to get a marriage certificate or not, God's already got he's already plant he or she. I I don't I I have no idea of the gender uh [laughter] they um already've got it covered for you because everything you do is divinely in in ser you know in in exactly the way it's supposed to be. That's my belief system anyway. >> Uh Ty Holmes says I'm going to stay single for the rest of my life. So, most likely there's something happened in Tai's life that I'm I'm going to assume whether you know a lot of Oh, okay. Let me address that really quickly. I'm assuming you said that because you were married before and you were unhappy and that's just my projection. >> I'd love to know, Ty, if you can give us one. >> Okay, but here's the thing. You know what's fascinating and I I cannot I I again I saw an Instagram reel, so I can't you know if I saw it on social media, is it true? um is that what's we are there we're tailing we're baby we're Gen Jones then there's Gen X then there's millennials then there's Gen Z's then there is well I whatever okay the the generation of 20 year olds around today or are far likely to get married because they were the byproduct of the most significant percentage of couples getting divorced you know those Jen Jones couples that got married. Yeah. And and got divorced at a very high rate that their belief system around marriage is such that today >> there's an exodus of people who are not considering marriage whatsoever in their 20s and 30s, you know, because of being a byproduct of divorces. Like they saw the pain they well let me reframe. Not only did they see the pain in their parents, but they experienced so much pain that from their lens, the idea of marriage is more painful than it is a um >> you know, a sacred union of sorts. I think we're going to see a substantial decline in marriages because of that. Or you're going to see people waiting till their late 30s and even 40s to consider marriage. >> So, >> yeah. >> All right. What else do we have here? Uh Kathy wants to say very true Paula. Okay. Good, good, good. Okay, so Michelle says, "At this age, I don't believe that a marriage certificate cementss the relationship. Childbearing years are past and blending families and finances can be tricky." >> So this is where I'm and she also adds, "However, health issues and medical decisions may leave the spiritual partner out of the loop without healthc care directives, healthcare pa." Power of attorney. >> Power of attorney. Yeah. >> So, this is where look at, >> you know, you could save yourself a lot of time by just getting married, right? And you don't need these types of things. But for those that are not interested in merging their assets, >> which are a lot of couples are like, look, you know, I I I don't been there, done that. Okay, good good point. is that it's important to at I guess the question is at what point in your relationship should you start considering these things. So like at what point you know we've now lived together. It's been six, seven months, right? >> At what point are we going to start doing this >> The like healthare >> healthare directives and and I I've talked about putting you on my trust, you know, uh you need to get one. >> Uh [laughter] >> we've talked about that. So, so at what point are we gonna do this stuff? >> Okay, soon. >> Okay, [laughter] >> fine y'all. Fine. >> Uh, okay. I've had a question that came in, so I'm gonna add another. Okay, so Michelle, okay, it's not to discount what Michelle says, um, or brought up. It's very important to have these conversations. Do you do this in the first year of your relationship? Do you do it in the second year of your relationship? Um I I think for those of us in our 60s, if you haven't addressed these issues by the second or third year at the latest, >> yeah, >> I think you got to start looking at it should or get off the pot. I mean, at least to have the conver to do these things. I think if you're fully committed to being together, as you and I say, through our last breath, then I think it's important to at the latest three years in >> Yeah. >> And by the way, I'm making up this number, you know, you I I guess you got to do what's right for you, you know. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Uh Anukica's back in I had a situation where I met someone when I mentioned spiritual marriage which I believe in uh but which I believe in but he said that was not a real marriage to him that was more Wait, he said wait he said that not was not a real [laughter] Okay, you read it. Okay, I'm dyslexic. had a situation where I met someone when I mentioned spiritual marriage which I believe in. He said that's not a real marriage to him. That was more of not really fully committed. >> Well, what do you think? >> Everyone's belief system, right? I mean, it's, you know, to each his own. Anukica, I think that that's where, you know, you both have to come together and figure out is there a ven diagram to be had here in terms of what we consider commitment. >> So, I'm going to piss off a lot of people with what I'm gonna say. I think there's a brainwashing that there's this belief that marriage makes the relationship fully committed. >> Okay. >> And again, if 70% of second or 60 and 70% of second and third marriages get divorced, I don't see where the marriage itself makes it more committed. I think it's >> statistic is true. I I I agree. >> Then I believe it's the belief system within the person who's making that commitment to one another. And again um how we feel today you know is also something that can change. You know, we we I believe I believe you and I believe that if if our relationship wasn't working for one of us, we'd have a sincere honest conversation. I hope we would try to make it work, but if we don't try to make it work, I would hope that we have a conscious uncoupling, right? >> So, what makes a relation I guess the question is what makes a relationship fully committed? >> Certainty. >> No, there's total uncertainty. Well, so you and I have had this conversation though that there is this sense of we're here till our last breath. >> Yeah. >> And and and that's the certainty piece, but we've also given it with uh with room for growth, room for what could potentially be uncertainty, all of that stuff. But in the the in the I don't know how to word it. In the commitment there lies a certainty to a to a certain extent. >> Okay, so you know what and I'm again I'm going to piss off some people here. A marriage certificate is a great blank check for saying I'm going to I'm going to take you for granted because this idea of certainty is >> I'm going to disagree with >> No, I this idea of certainty is And let me say where I where why I'm sharing this. For those of you know, I have a 19-year-old son who passed away eight years ago. I learned really quickly that nothing is certain in life. Okay? And that's the vantage point I'm coming from. I'm not certain that I'll be here tomorrow, you'll be here tomorrow. What makes me what matters most to me? It's why, by the way, can I read my text message to you this morning? I just I want to read to everyone what I wrote to you this morning. what of my multitudes of messages I send you. But um but this is what I sent this morning. Hey babe, what if each day is a lifetime? The good, the bad, the frustrating moments when I'm a pain in the ass, the great sex, the love in our hearts. Each day with you is filled with so much. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I freaking love you. I I say this is your certainty is only as good as how much you're investing into your relationship every day. Getting married, you can get married and take the person for granted and you think you have this, you know, divine certainty, you know, you have this divine certainty. Yeah. You know, and again, there's plenty of andiding. Yeah. It's not the case. I was watching a video earlier where a woman was talking about getting blindsided where her husband showed up one day with a moving van saying, "I'm done in the relationship." Marriage is not a certainty. It's the the only way you have certainty is to fully be engaged in the relationship day in day out. And to that extent, there is no certainty. But what there is is a sense of peace because you feel it within the relationship every day. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? [laughter] Um, hey, we'd like to hear your thoughts on what we just shared. Post a comment below. We do our best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As Oh, by the way, we are wrapping up. Uh, [laughter] as always, if you find value in these videos, please hit the like button, please share this video, please subscribe to the channel, hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if you want to connect, hey, there's links below. schedule a discovery call, follow on social media, all that good stuff. All right, I'm going to wrap up this video with a big gigantic hug, my sweetheart. Thank you. Thanks everyone. And thanks for those that donated. Really appreciate you. Wishing you a super duper wonderful evening. Be well. Thanks. Bye now. >> Bye.