Video summary
The video addresses the complex question of whether a person in their sixties can trust a partner despite being married, highlighting the significant difference between legal marriage and living arrangements. The hosts argue that while a marriage certificate represents a formal commitment, it does not guarantee financial security or emotional stability if one partner decides to leave. They point out that without specific legal agreements like domestic partnership contracts or prenuptial agreements, individuals can be left vulnerable regarding assets and lease responsibilities. Consequently, the hosts emphasize that relying solely on the "word of God" or a piece of paper is insufficient; instead, couples must have open, calm conversations about finances, health directives, and potential exit strategies to avoid future nightmares during a separation.
Beyond legalities, the discussion shifts to the nature of commitment in later life, noting that many people in their fifties and sixties are divorced, often due to contentious splits involving money and intimacy issues. The hosts introduce the concept of "quiet quitting" or apathy within marriages, where couples remain together not out of love but because they lack the energy or desire to leave, effectively staying in a state of unhappiness. They caution against assuming that marriage automatically forces a person to work on the relationship, as many men may stay due to habit rather than genuine devotion. The core message is that magic does not solve relationship problems; honest communication and addressing practical issues like money and sex are essential for a healthy union, regardless of whether the couple has a wedding certificate.
The transcript also touches on religious and cultural perspectives regarding cohabitation and premarital agreements, acknowledging that while some view living together before marriage as a sin, others see it as a necessary step toward understanding compatibility. The hosts respect these differing beliefs but maintain their own stance that pragmatic discussions are vital for everyone. They illustrate this with an example of a woman dating a widower who is slow to commit, suggesting that if both parties are happy and committed, the specific label of marriage matters less than the quality of the connection. Ultimately, they encourage viewers to engage in these difficult conversations with their partners, viewing the relationship as a sacred union that requires active maintenance rather than passive endurance.
In the final segment, the hosts address a viewer's question about a coworker who continues to show interest after being rejected, explaining that such behavior often stems from insecurity or a desire for validation rather than a genuine intent for commitment. They use an anecdote about ignoring someone in fourth grade to demonstrate how distance can sometimes reset social dynamics, though they warn that relying on this tactic can lead to unhealthy attachment patterns. The overarching conclusion is that relationships require clear boundaries and honest dialogue; whether one is seeking love or navigating a long-term marriage, the ability to communicate openly about needs and expectations is the most important factor in determining trust and longevity.
Read the full video transcript
Anukica's in the house. Can you read
that?
>> I don't know. I've got my a contact lens
problem.
>> Okay, I'll read it then.
>> I think I can. Okay.
>> What kind of agreements can you create
on paper if you do start to create life
together so it doesn't get messy?
Resolving assets after breakup can be
challenging.
>> So, well, let me let me just address
that. The only thing legally we have
between each other is our lease, which
we're both on, right? So you know from a
>> but even that we have talked about and
you know given any
medical situations and things like that
we've been like well let's put away x
amount make sure
>> if I finish my thought
>> oh [laughter]
>> I'm gonna go and then you could rabbit
hole from there. Okay. So, so where I
was going is that, you know, here's the
thing. We both uh are on this lease now.
In theory, it's a piece of paper. You
could pack up and leave tomorrow. Thank
you for all the furniture, by the way. U
you could pack up, leave tomorrow, and
and leave me high and dry on the lease.
You know, people can, by the way,
marriage certificates. People can just
disappear on the other person and say,
"Screw it to the financial
responsibilities." And that's happened
plenty of times. So from even that
vantage point, you know, from a legal
binding, um it's again, it's only as
good as the word of the person signing
the piece of paper.
>> Um I know in our case, we've talked
about doing health directives, which is
um and even even in California, we could
even do a domestic partnership
agreement, right? So So Anukica, I don't
know the state you live in. I think
you're in Texas if memory serves me
correctly or Arizona. Please forgive me.
Um, but I know here in California you
can do what's called the domestic
partnership agreement. And this is where
you can lay out all of your different,
you know, responsibilities, both
financial, health directives, that sort
of thing. And and I would think that's
and and it, by the way, I think it's
binding in court. And I also believe
that you're allowed to use each other on
your taxes from that vantage point. I I
could be wrong. So yeah, I'm not giving
legal advice here. So um and when it
comes to assets and look at I know
couples who have gotten, you know, put
their assets together, gotten married,
and it's been a gigantic nightmare both
for the woman and the man to try to
separate. So So you know, just remember
that this is the tricky part about
relationships. I mean, think of, by the
way, most everyone that's follows this
channel that's in their 40s, 50s, and
60s, 75% of you are divorced. You've
been down this track before of marriage.
And for the most part, I'd say 75% of
those 75% it was a contentious divorce.
So, I would think that the the the
narrative around marriage has a whole
different context. And again, I
mentioned earlier the video from James
Ston talking about people that do
prenups, which is an agreement, Anukica,
with another person, actually have a far
lower divorce rate than those that do
not. I mean, and by the way, that's
anecdotal from what I heard on internet,
and I'm not saying the internet's right.
So, do you think we answered that
question?
>> I think Abe Lincoln said that.
>> Abe Lincoln said that. Yeah, exactly.
[laughter]
He said, "Don't trust everything you see
on the internet." Lindy's in the house
and she says, "Marriage is the ultimate
commitment. You can easily walk out and
never return when living together. My
husband insists on marriage. We've been
living together for 16 years.
>> We've been together since
>> we've been to we in He insisted and
we've been together. I'm assuming she's
married." Um
>> yes.
>> You know, again, the ultimate commitment
is the word behind it. It's not the
piece of paper. That's our belief system
behind the word. And to the extent that
you can walk out, you can walk on a
marriage just as easily. You know, it
doesn't mean that you, you know, doesn't
mean you might not be tracked down by a
bounty hunter, but
>> being witnessed by God and and all your
closest friends and relatives doesn't
necessarily make that commitment any
stronger.
>> Yeah.
>> Unfortunately.
>> Okay. So, I want to address this one.
>> Okay.
>> Okay. And and this is going to probably
be create an irritant. Yeah,
>> remember that living together before
marriage is a sin. So don't do that. So
I would think that's for those people
that genuinely believe that. We don't
believe that. So Carrie, uh we don't
believe that. But I think for those who
believe that, then you have to do what's
in your heart, you know. Um for those
who believe that also don't believe in
premarital sex, you know. And I would
say that uh you know a lot of people
that say that that's their nar you know
they they believe they they follow a
religious doctrine still break it all
the time you know from that vantage
point. So again this is our point of
view uh which seems to be shared by a
lot of people a lot of people share you
know point of view that that is a sin. I
don't believe in sin. You know, that's a
whole another conversation, but that's
where we land on that. And and to the
extent that I know this is gonna ruffle
a few feathers, you know, and I I think
a few people might go, "Well, I don't
want to follow you guys anymore." That's
okay. We're just offering I I think
what's most important I think what we'd
like to be role models for is the is is
our capacity to communicate with one
another. Our capacity to go down these
conversations and come at it from a
place of love. Come at it from a place
of logic and emotion and all these
things
>> and a place of sacred
>> Yeah.
>> you know sacred union and commitment and
devotion. You and I, you know, have that
with each other.
And and again,
>> beautiful thing. The whole thing
combines. It's
>> What was my text message to you this
morning?
>> Um,
>> every day is like a, you know, a lifime.
>> Oh, every day is like a lifetime. Yeah.
That's
>> So, so I I always send love notes to
Paula most every morning or at least
four or five times a week. And today was
centered around that. You know, I feel
like we live a lifetime in every single
day. You know, we have the good, the
bad, the the messy, the love, the
passion, the intimacy, all that kind of
stuff. And and to the extent that what I
believe matters most is are you living
your life at are you living your life
together as a sacred union? Are you
living to your life together to the
fullest extent of passion? And I think a
lot of people get hung up on this
conversation because they're not
experiencing what I always
affectionately call a juicy, delicious,
healthy, happy relationship.
>> So you know you've got to ask yourself,
are you living that kind of
relationship? because the marriage
certificate isn't going to change that.
Okay. Um, Angela's in the house. Hey,
Angela. Um, many women don't see
marriage as a financial agreement, and
that's the case for me. I see marriage
as marriage and a wedding as a way to
include God as it's important of a
romantic relationship. Again, you can do
a spiritual marriage, you know, in front
of God and you don't have to get a
certificate with the government. So if
those people that agree that way, I
would say if you're in that category, I
would certainly I would recommend a
prenuptual agreement because it's about
talking about these things so it doesn't
become a conversation when you're angry
at one another. You've actually had a
conversation when you're at your calmst
with one another.
>> Well, I think you know, I just want to
interject. I think that there is a um
>> you know I was in the financial service
world for 30 years and I can I can share
many circumstances where women felt the
same way and um didn't enter into the
financial piece the financial part of
the equation whatsoever. And I I would
say that that it's a slippery slope not
to.
>> And the reason why is because it's too
easy to make assumptions.
>> Yes. that the man is going to provide
and do these things. And if you really
have a necessity for that and you're not
asking the important questions, it's
beautiful to have the romance and the
and and the sacred union and all and the
devotion and the commitment and all of
those things, but if you're not talking
about the pragmatic stuff at the same
time, it that's a it's a slippery slope.
And I I've seen too many women go down.
Well, there's also there's the other
vantage point that in many cases women
are in a very stronger financial
position than the man. And this gets to
be again
>> uh I've seen it in reverse. This is why
this look at money and sex ends up being
the top two reasons for divorce, you
know. So, the question is, are you
talking about money? Are you talking
about your intimacy together? Are you
working on it as a regular practice with
one another? Um, I think that's the more
important question than the marriage
itself kind of thing.
>> I agree.
>> So, okay, Kathy writes in,
"I've been dating a widowerower for
nearly a year. I'm in my 60s. It's been
slow. I'm going on holiday with his
family. Communication has been honest
and open. He's a good man. We'll see
where this takes us."
>> Beautiful. Again, it sounds like if
you're happy and you're committed to one
another, again, if it if a relationship
I I said this earlier, if one person
doesn't want to be in a relationship,
you know, being married together, just
because it's harder to get out of it. I
mean I I do believe couples who have
conflict should work on their
relationship but ideally the
relationships that don't have con you
you don't need to fight to stay married
together. Am I making sense? In other
words, you don't need to keep solving
problems.
>> Okay.
Being married if it's a hard way to get
out, does that force the person to work
on the relationship?
Does that force the person to work on
the relationship or they just they just
By the way, I know a lot of men that
don't want out of their marriage. In
fact, women apply for divorces at a 70
to 80% rate. There's something going on
there. The guys are like guys are kind
of like nesters. Once they're in, they
don't go anywhere.
>> Well, there's a whole there's a whole um
uh thought process lately. Oprah has
been uh digging into quiet quitting.
>> Okay. What's that? by quitting is
staying in a relationship where you ju I
think it's probably more like apathy.
You get to the point where you just
don't give a crap anymore. You know,
>> I think a lot of
>> and you just stay in. You just stay in.
>> I would bet 20% or more of marriages are
in quiet apathy.
>> Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
>> You know, and they're like,
>> I was
>> they're like, you know what? I'm not
happy but I'm you know and I guess the
question becomes I'm not happy but the
alternative
>> not I could be not happy and not have
companion.
>> Yeah.
>> I could be not happy and not have the
the great home.
>> Yeah.
>> Whatever.
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. I just want to give props to Amy
for the $20 super sticker. Thank you for
the love. She says, "I love watching the
two of you." Thank you. You know, for
those that know, we've been kind of out
of commission for a few weeks. I I it
was my birthday on the first of the
month and I wanted to take a break from
producing content, but I will say, you
know, I felt like the Godfather three,
you know, you guys brought me back in,
you know, because I was getting a lot of
comments, when are you guys coming back?
When are you coming back? So, um, and
you didn't want to do this topic.
>> No, I I went into it kicking and
screaming.
>> Okay. And now, how do you feel about it?
Well, um I I think this is a it's a
difficult subject for a lot of people
and I think there's religion involved. I
think there's
>> um pragmatic questions involved that
nobody really wants to,
>> you know, address and and they're not
none of them are easy,
>> but they make life in a relationship go
around.
So,
>> you know, I I think I I want to to the
extent shift uh the conversations on the
channel to things that relate to those
of us in our 60s, whether it's retire
well 50s and above, but I mean, we're in
our 60s, so I'm owning it. Um, so, you
know, talking about retirement, talking
about sex, talking about health, talking
about money. I mean, these are the
conversations that look at for those
that are single looking for love and you
want to be in a relationship. If you're
not prepared to have these
conversations,
then you're setting yourself up for
failure. Because let me tell you, magic
fairy dust doesn't solve your problems
in relationship. Honest communication
with one another does. And more
importantly, for those that are in a
relationship right now, I we hope that
you know, you and your partner watch
these videos together and talk about,
you know, from a granular perspective.
You don't have to share our point of
view, but we want you to talk to one
another. Yeah. have the discussion with
one another and that's the impetus for
doing these uh videos. So anyway,
>> um could you read this one?
>> I can. This is from Toronto Star.
Question is, why would my coworker that
I am limited for who turned me down, the
one with three charges of CP, what's CP?
>> I have no idea what CP
>> still go out of his way to talk to me.
Hello, nod, etc. I ignore him as I want
to be over him. So why would the
coworker I'm not sure we got be
>> well if he's experienced some sort of
limrance towards you which is extreme
infatuation.
Um
>> no I think she's lirant for him.
>> Why would Mike go over that? I'm liant
for
>> he's coming around saying hi and doing
the things but
>> she's kind of wondering why you even
coming around like she was limber. He
turned her down. I wish I knew what
three charges of CP is it child
protective order or um so you know why
do people do anything you know I I think
we have a wounded walking population of
human beings
>> I know that's judgmental but
>> you know I'm going to say in this case
>> I I seem to remember
>> Yeah I remember she's been on before
>> um I'm going to say that I I would bet
that he feels bad
>> and And you know, sometimes it's harder
to be the doer than it is the dewy.
>> Okay?
>> You know what I mean? So, so I'm I'm I'm
thinking he kind of feels bad and he's
kind of going out of his way to say,
"Hey, I'm just kind of like, hi, but I'm
sorry." You know,
>> you know, I did that once, I think years
ago. I was in a breakup, but I felt bad
about it. So, I kept pebbling, if you
will. back then we didn't call it
pebbling but I I think I pebbled because
in my mind and I'm not suggesting this
is the case for him Toronto star but I I
think in my mind it was a a form of
thinking I was letting the person down
gently you know the other thing is he
could be just he he's he's
getting some sort of secondary benefit
from your limrance towards him in other
words he's getting some sort of charge
that you have an attraction towards
towards him. And maybe the way he goes
out of his way is because he likes the
the um he likes the the validation, but
it doesn't mean he wants a commitment
with you. This is where, you know, the
minute somebody shows a sign of
interest, we make it out like they're
fully ready for a commitment with you.
And that's just, you know,
>> sometimes they're just being nice.
>> Yeah. No, no, no, no. Sometimes they
have interest, but it's like, I'm only
interested in sleeping with you. I'm
only interested in seeing you once a
month. I'm only interested in the
minimal amount, not necessarily. It
doesn't mean I want a full commitment
with you.
>> That I just want to throw out that last
part. Um she says, "I ignore him as I
want to be over him."
>> Oh.
>> Um I I'll never forget I was in fourth
grade and my mother said there was this
girl Bunny wanted to beat me up. I'm not
sure why.
>> And my mother said, "Just just ignore
her. She'll come around. She'll be your
friend in like four weeks." Yeah.
>> And the next thing I know, Bunny was
like at my door like, "Do you want to go
play kickball?" Okay. [laughter]
>> Completely ignoring our funny.
>> Sometimes being ignored is the very
thing that turns around.
>> They Yes. And there's a lot of game
playing with that, too. There's a book
called The Rules. When you ignore
someone, it makes them come back more.
But just remember, that's an unhealthy
return. By ignoring someone, if they
come back, it's usually from an
unhealthy place of insecure attachment
with that