I'm In My 60s | Can I Make A Man Emotionally Available?

Goodness. >> All right. Doing this will bring you closer to a man. What's it mean to be closer to a man or a woman? >> I think it's the whole idea is to draw you closer to a man, right? Or draw you closer to a woman. So, um yeah, it's it's I think so much of our um our lives, you know, are are based on what we don't want. >> Yeah. >> And I think this is the how do we get to what we do want? >> Okay. Whether it's being to find the right relationship or to make the right relation or to make the existing relationship better. Yeah. Okay. So, you and I were watching a video this morning. Do you remember that? >> The one where the the guy asked a question of a woman, "How do I make myself more attractive?" And the woman came on, this was an Instagram real talking about how her attraction level [clears throat] for men is less than onetenth of onetenth of 1%. And she do you remember the video? Can you kind of explain it with everybody? Everybody >> she was focusing on particularly she what she was saying was that she can in a split second of a date or a connection or a meetup or whatever decide whether or not that person was worthy of her time so to speak or you know and and that she could figure out if she was attracted to that person that quickly >> that quickly. And we were both saying, >> "But the way the man carried himself, what he said, all these little things, >> gate." >> Yeah. She called it gate. >> Yes. >> And and what I thought was interesting is she started to talk about compassion and empathy and everything. And I'm like, if you can figure out compassion and empathy before a person opens their mouth, I'm like, you have skills. [laughter] >> Serious skills. But then when it when she went on to say that her likelihood of being attracted to someone was less than onetenth of onetenth of 1%. I'm like what hope does that give people? >> Very little. >> Like it's almost as if there's a biased or a god, what's the word I'm looking for? Almost like, you know, she's so focused on what she doesn't want that she doesn't see what she does want. >> How can you? >> Yeah. I mean, I have so many friends who who say, you know, the dating apps are a [ __ ] show. You know, this is a you know, this the it's the shallow end of the pool. >> Yeah. >> Um you know, and and >> they're swiping they're swiping left going I can't or no, they look at someone who wrote them. No, they look at somebody who wrote them and said, "Oh my god, I can't believe this person had the nerve to write me." I've actually I gotta be candid with you and I'm in a curse right now. That [ __ ] pisses me off to somebody say, "I can't believe this person had the nerve to write me." >> You've actually heard those. >> I swear to God. And and like what were they thinking? Like I would I would accept that. >> A lot of people out there, women I know that will say um much more, you know, along the lines. They they they're happy to be written to. Yeah. They're just like, "No, he's not, you know, he's not my guy." Pretty quickly, I'm okay with someone saying, "I'm happy I got written to, but he's not my guy." But when you go straight to contempt, >> there's almost this negative, bitter, jaded approach. I see so many, by the way, men are they don't get off the hook here. Okay? Look at men are just as much, you know, we might be criticizing. Yeah. They're >> the younger the younger model. Looking doesn't mean you're going to get the younger model. [laughter] >> That is true. There is there is the ego involved in this. >> So, but I want to address that. What I got this sense of watching this person's video and there was almost this bitter, jaded despair and doubt going on. >> I almost felt like it was a confidence. It was almost too much of a confidence. It was a little to the egoic side. a little overly confident and I think I think >> I'm sorry I'm interrupting but I want [laughter] to say I think the reason why she became overconfident because there's a bitter jaded side go running the show >> maybe I mean you know there's a whole camp out there that you know are like swipe swipe swipe swipe based on what you know one sentence that they say you know so >> you know there's got to be a happy medium >> so what does somebody have to do to go to bring someone closer is the title of this video and the things that you can say. And what we wanted to address is how to go from doubt or even despair. Let's but we'll call doubt. Okay, I don't believe this will happen. I don't believe it'll happen. I don't believe it'll happen. >> Or they're saying it, pardon the French, that it's a [ __ ] show that they can't, you know, there are no good men. You know, no, they they don't, you know, they don't communicate. They don't this. >> Oh my god. The whole thing about men aren't good. I mean, look at I get men are poor communicators and everything, but if you're focused in the doubt, >> where does the hope come from, >> right? >> And so, we want to kind of look at from from hope, from despair to hope, from doubt to hope, and what it takes to get there. And so, I created a list. I'm looking at it right now. So, we'll we'll review this. But the first thing to consider to go from doubt to hope is to stop fighting what is and tell yourself the truth. It's time for a reality check to acknowledge and surrender the the victim consciousness that space of blame and judgment and really accept where you're at. >> Absolutely. Yeah. I think well so I mean I I have gone through oodles of friends who have come from that place. >> Yeah. >> And and and I've been there myself. Yeah. >> You know I've been in this like wow what am I doing here? >> And I you know for me I mean I come from a sales background so you know [clears throat] I got to the point where I'm like all right I'm just going to kind of make a game out of this. And it got to be sort of fun in the journeying of it, right? But >> and yet you sort of have to, you know, see it through rosecolored lenses if you have an expectation. Okay. Almost of >> thinking there's something on the other side, you know. >> Yeah. So that there's >> Okay. So >> there's a pony in there amongst all that. >> Exactly. And you know what I used to do when I was swiping on the apps? Swiping left meaning not interested. You know what I did every time I swipe? This is the honest to God's truth. I'd go, I'm sending you love. I'm sending you love. I'm sending you love. Like, I'm sending off the swipe with love. >> Because I got really fed up with people being so hyperfocused on >> themselves and not being real that that's another person, a human being. So, one is stop fighting what is and tell yourself the truth. Now, the second thing is folks is don't do this alone. Again, we're looking at >> So, when you say tell yourself the truth, for me that, you know, the despair >> kind of a reality check, >> right? Well, so those those folks that are that are that are in despair, they're talking about, you know, how crappy it is out there and whatnot, >> you know. >> Oh, they're telling a different truth. >> Well, there's a story in there somewhere, right? Good point. Good point. So, that that that's where I wanted to go with that. Okay. Go ahead. >> So, all right. We're talking about going from doubt to hope. And the next thing on the list is don't do it alone. >> Okay. So meaning >> well I think it's looking at reaching out to people maybe maybe looking at yourself doing looking inward and going okay could I be a part of the what's going on in my life? Maybe seeking a therapist. Maybe seeking a coach. like reaching out to people because if you're in this state of doubt, you're you're probably even experiencing a little bit of anxiety with it. >> So, so I think the nervous system starts to go off. >> Yeah. >> And that we don't get, you know, we're not >> You wrote a book on it. Self-love, right? >> Right. What the heck is self- loveve anyway? [laughter] And I think that we don't ground ourselves in self-care and um particularly women. >> Yeah. >> You know who you are out there. >> Uh that uh they they don't get into that place of like what do I want? We've been talking about this for you know a long time now. What do I want? And and you know what where are my boundaries? What are my non-negotiables? Those type of things. >> Well, when I talk about reaching out, I'm not talking about that piece. I'm talking about getting help from others. >> Well, that's part of selfcare. Yeah. >> I mean, for women, we sit in circle, you know, we we talk we talk about our crap all day long. You know, guys may not, but we do. So, >> so if you're now, I will say, and I this is a judgment on my part. Please forgive me. This is a projection. But a lot of times it's also important to go to someone who's not biased because your friends can also validate >> the shitty feeling that you're at. >> Well, so this would also include then therapy and selfaching and coaches and >> Okay. So, so when it comes to going from this place of doubt to hope, I think the next thing to do is seriously do one small thing, you know, like go uh and it might be putting yourself out on the dating apps. It might be going out in public and saying hi to a stranger. Do one small thing that moves you forward. Because if you're in a constant state of there's no good men out there, it's a [ __ ] show out there. If you're in this negative vibe, then move forward in the positive realm. Like do one thing in the positive realm. >> Okay. So evidence I think what I'm hearing from you is every small bit of evidence can get you further and further toward hope. >> Yes. In other words, it might be that someone did write you on the app and and you know what? Look at that as a positive. Even if they they they weren't your type kind of thing. Look at that as a positive thing. Okay. >> Um I think the fourth thing is be gentle with yourself. >> Okay? >> You know, it's not let's face it. You know, if you're looking for love, if you want a significant relationship, then it requires being gentle for yourself. Self-compassion talked Paula talked about self-care, that sort of thing. It's important to be good to yourself because if your if your if your negative if your talk is negative if that self-t talk is negative >> you're going to see we have a little joke about here we live in Los Angeles and there's a boatload of white Teslas okay I mean you just see them everywhere white Teslas and I have a little joke with Paula but rarely do you see the red Porsche Cabriolet you know and and I'm thinking if you're looking for a Porsche Cabriolet you know, and all you see is the white Teslas, then you'll miss the red one. Even though it's red, you're going to miss it because you're focus on the white Teslas. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> I love that. >> Okay. >> Um, you know, grounded presence and mindfulness. Coming back to mindfulness, I think this is a really important place to be in. Well, can you elaborate on that? Um, I think that we, you know, we we talked about, I mean, one of my favorite lines is awareness is the first step on the road to recovery. And I think that without uh being mindful of where I was at, I would not have been able to get to the place of knowing where I wanted to go with it and what I want like you know I had to be able to say even in even in our conversations like okay maybe I did show because I wasn't all in some avoidant tendencies and you know what patterns people don't know that. So, >> I know, but I'm I'm just I'm throwing it out there that that's entirely possible that that might have happened. >> Okay. In other words, you're to ownership of your part didn't work in your last relationship. >> I And I had to become aware of that. I had to figure out that pattern, become aware and mindful of it, and move from that point and say, "Okay, am I willing to give someone else a chance that may not, you know, that might I might not have given that old pattern." >> Okay. Okay. So, we've been talking a lot, you and I, about embodied love >> and we just shared a couple things to get you out of do hope and despair to move that needle, whether you want to call it up or sideways or that sort of thing. But what we're really talking about is stepping into what we've been talking about embodied love. >> Yeah. [snorts] >> Share with everybody. [laughter] >> So, >> is it okay if you do that? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, we were having this discussion this morning about that how do how do you get to the point of of Okay, let me back up. I have um been a a a really big advocate for um you know way back in the day what they what we used to call the law of attraction. You know, how to magnetize someone to you or something to you. And um as a proponent of that, I really truly believe that what we focus on, we attract. >> Okay? >> And if we're focused on the white Teslas all the time, that's what we're going to attract. But if we're focused on the red Porsche Cabriolet, that's what we're going to attract. And >> or at least hopefully see it more frequently. >> Yeah. So, so you know, and so I I d I have dialed this into so many parts of my life, you know, including things like autoimmune disease and whatnot. How to be in the feeling of a thing >> when you're not experiencing the feeling of the thing. >> Okay. >> Yet. >> Yes. >> So, so how to experience the feeling of the thing, you know, requires us in a way. It's kind of like if you thought about your potential significant other or your current significant other and you were to like just, you know, put your hand on your heart and close your eyes and think about what that feels like to you. >> Now, if you don't know what that feels like, how do you embody it? >> Okay, how do you get there? >> All right. So, one of the exercises I do in my private coaching, and by the way, folks, we hope to do a workshop on this embodied love uh within the next few months. So, just stay tuned to us because we're going to talk about this more frequently. But one of the exercises I do in my private coaching, and by the way, if you want support, there's a link below. schedule a discovery call for me with me is to first look at several of your past relationships and look at where you felt love in those past relationships where you just to sit and visualize just purely where you felt love in those past relationships >> and we decided that that was part of getting from the despair to the hope it's like you at some point you felt something good in >> yeah I it wasn't perfect >> I took all the good >> from several different relationships. And I said, "Okay, what did it feel like to have like really good chemistry with someone? >> What did it feel like to have really good communication with somebody?" Because it might have been a different relationship. What did it feel like to have a person that was aligned in your, you know, your your values, that was aligned in that way, and just sit with that feeling? What did it feel like to be aligned in your lifestyle with somebody? what it feel like to just even be committed to somebody and sit and it might be you take a little bit from this relationship and a little bit from this relationship and the idea is to do um there's a journaling workbook that I do with my my private coaching clients to help them get into that embodied feeling. >> This kind of mirrors what you did well before you met me if we can talk about >> with my enchanted journal. for those um that Paula talked about in previous videos, her enchanted journal is to actually describe what it feels like to be in this relationship to what does it feel like to have the kind of banter >> without the knowing of it. >> Without the knowing of it. >> Without the knowing of it. And and it really >> took a lot of getting away from the white Teslas. Yes. >> And going towards the red Porsches. This is like a horrible analogy, but you get the point. I think it's a perfect analogy. By the way, on for the record, >> as I was driving to our first date, >> Oh, that's true. >> I saw I saw it because not because I was paying attention for a red te a red uh Porsche, but because I said I actually said to myself, if I see a red Porsche, I'm going to meet the love of my life. Um, now over the over a two-year period that I had this little game for myself, I did see several red Porsches. I saw a lot more white Teslas. >> Yeah. >> But what I the point was you differentiate between the white and the red. I wanted to be able to see it. So I put it in my system what it felt like. What would it feel like to see this? How am I going to feel when I see this red portion? >> Okay. So this is exactly where I'm going with it. Okay. So my journal and and you know what I practiced a lot over the two years that I spent on my own. Yeah. Was that I was in >> the place of embracing the possibilities. >> Okay. >> And that's that's the hope piece. >> Okay. >> So for me it was like I'm going to embrace this in a way and I'm going to feel it as if it's happening. I'm going to walk as if I'm going to talk as if. I'm going to vibrate as if. I'm going to frequency as if. Like however you want to talk about it. But I was communing in a way with source, spirit, whatever to say there is a knowing in me that it's out there and it's going to feel like this. >> And and coming back to when we begin to do this, I believe this brings us closer. What's the title there? It brings us closer to the person we want. Because coming back to that video and again this is my judgment on that that you know what I felt from this person was if we're so focused on what we don't want and it's just white Tesla white Tesla white Tesla white Tesla white Tesla and that's all you see you're going to miss that car that drove literally the p the red Porsche will be in front of you the person will be waving and you'll still won't see it because all you focus on are those those experienc you don't want. >> Yeah. >> And what's going to bring somebody closer to you, whether you're a man or woman watching this, and you and I genuinely believe this deeply, is when we embody what we want to experience and let that be in our reticular activating system. Let that be in our consciousness instead of what you don't want. Then you have a greater chance of attracting or experiencing the kind of relationship you want. I'm not saying it's a guarantee. You could sit and do m and meditate all day long, but there is >> but it's gonna put the odds are better than the other way. >> Well, and what you resist persists. So, you know, you can sit all day long and say this is the shallow end of the dating pool that I'm dealing with and that's what you're going to get. And sadly, and for those watching this, I get that you're inundated with real and stories and videos and and such from mostly everybody talking about what a [ __ ] show it is. And I'm This is proof, folks. I'm telling you, we are both, you know, we've been divorced. We've had two significant relationships before we met each other. We met through dating apps. We had to get through three apps to get to each other. We had to get through three apps. We did. >> And and and I and I'm not saying this to brag, but I mean this with all my heart. I have the healthiest relationship, the healthiest, loving, compassionate, juicy, delicious relationship I've ever experienced in my life. And look at I know we're almost 10 months in, so we're not I can't I I don't have this we don't have this long history to say this is going to work, but I got to tell you, we're in the top 4% just getting this far. Well, and you know, and I think and this is, you know, >> let's put a bow on this. Yeah. >> But that you know, if something if I were to get hit by a bus or you were to get hit by a bus, like we talked about that. >> I I now have this as the baseline point to move from. >> Yeah. >> And but also this was in my enchanted journal with all of the line items. >> Yeah. You know, exactly the way it looks and feels now is how it felt to me >> when I was putting it on paper. >> A >> yeah. So, >> okay. Embodied love. That's the s >> Listen, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this video. Post a comment below. We do we're actually Paula now reads them as well. We do our best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button. 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