I'm In My 60s and I'm Tired Of Men Who Do THIS

So, we're going to talk about is love dying because good because men and women are exiting the dating pool. That's our conversation today. So, do you think love is dying? [laughter] >> Well, based on us, no. But, uh, but I think there are a lot of people out there who are like, I don't want to I don't want to be in the dating world anymore. >> Yeah, I know. There's so much frustration in the dating realm. And I I wrote particularly women. I I think only I I certainly recognize that there are plenty of men who feel frustrated with the dating marketplace and maybe it's because I speak to women more or I see more content but I see so much more content and so a question came up and the question is if women are the most capable of creating healthy relationships and they're leaving the dating pool should be ask should we be asking what's wrong with men or what's wrong with the dating experience question. >> I And I don't know if you like I see it like this. Women are pointing at men and men are pointing at women kind of thing. >> So why do you think let's Well, we can examine this from a couple different ways, but I think hope love isn't dying, but hope is dying. >> Yes. I I would say it's not necessarily dying, but it's getting um hidden under a lot of noise. >> Yeah. >> Hidden under a lot of noise. And I think one thing to add to this is not necessarily whether it's women are are moving out of the pool or that the dating apps, let's just call it for, you know, there's certainly organic and meaning out in the wild, but probably what we're talking about here is >> is on the apps >> that we're in a in a place now in the world >> that has so much noise and chaos, social media, um, little bits of of information that keep coming at us. >> Yeah. >> And some of it not good, you know, and it and it deters >> deters deters >> from our hope. >> Yeah. You know, it's interesting you say this because I was going to do a series of videos. I haven't told you about this. It's called the 7-day dating detox. And and the idea is that anytime you see an Instagram reel or a Facebook story or some short video that's telling you what's wrong with dating >> Yeah. >> that that influences us if you hear it enough times. >> Yes. It's insidious. And it it's interesting because there are even people that criticize some of the comments I make who probably haven't been in the dating realm for years, but they heard so much noise from other people that they're applying it to their own life. >> Yeah. >> And so, you know, I I asked the question is love isn't dying, maybe hope is dying. And I I wrote some other things here. I said the real danger isn't that women stop believing in love. is that they stop believing they'll find it through the current dating culture. >> Say that differently. [laughter] >> Well, I wrote it down, so I don't know how differently I can say it, but okay, I'll just repeat it. The real danger isn't that women stop believing in love. The real danger is they stop believing that they'll find it through the current dating culture. >> Okay. Yes. >> Okay. >> You know, this is an interesting point because I was just talking to a friend last night. >> Yeah. And um she met someone interesting. >> Okay. >> And they, you know, they've been having lovely deep conversation. >> Yeah. >> And her point to me was, >> I haven't had this. And and there's there's a reason why they aren't getting together. So, there is that. >> Yeah. >> And she's um annoyed by the fact that they can't get it together, but also that she hasn't had this. And and I remember when you and I were first getting together, I I was sharing this with her that, you know, even though we were neutral and probably more in the friend zone than in our initial few days. >> The first [clears throat] few days. Yeah. >> Yeah. That um there was a point when I said to you, "God, you know, I like like you number one, and I really freaking love you." Was another, you know, comment I had around day five or six. But the point was that um somewhere around there, like within day two to five, let's just call it, you and I said, "Wow, we're really experiencing something about being seen and witnessed and heard that feels very different." >> And I think there's a lot of people in the dating pool who haven't felt that. Number one, >> yes. But also when the you know when we did one of the things that um we said to each other and I'm not sure who said this first but it was like this or something better. >> Yes. So can I piggyback on this? First off I want to clarify something. When we said I freaking love you early on. It wasn't like I'm in love with you. Okay. It was just like I really like like you. >> Yeah. I really like like you. And why this is coming up and I I want to expand upon this is there was a moment where I when I said [ __ ] I freaking love you was I see me I see you in me. >> Yeah >> I see I see me and you. Excuse me. I see wow you're you're kind of like me. And I was kind of seeing my reflection going I kind of like that. Not from a narcissistic point of view. Yeah. But you brought up something so interesting because I know so many women who've fallen for men and I'm gonna focus on women for a moment. They've fallen for men who are emotionally unavailable. They're they're uh their avoidant personality. They might be in a relationship with somebody else and because they're experiencing this wow feeling but they're they're chasing that feeling and then believing that they won't experience it with someone else. I want to put that in a box for a second. Put that in a box for a second. And they could be years down the road from that and going, "God, every other guy I've dated wasn't like this guy." Yes. And it has to be like that. Or there's another piece to this. Or >> something better >> or something better. Um or there's a group of people who haven't experienced a deep meaningful connection. And why I'm bringing this up is that in our case, I can say that I thought I knew what love was >> before I met you. I had the fantasy of what love was. I had my heart the TV show Hearttoart as my role models of what love was. >> And and yet I didn't really know it from a lived experience. >> Okay. So why this is so important and why I'm bringing this up is >> if if people are giving up on love let's say well they stop believing in love they stop believed it's become dysfunctional some people even call it a [ __ ] show that the experience itself is so complicated >> that they are like resigning to well you know I'm happy in my life and then but Yet deep down they secretly want love. So let me just get to this point because this is the critical part of this conversation. The solution I believe is not giving up on love. The solution is twofold. >> Okay? >> And giving up on dating. Let me just even say it that way. It's it's twofold. It's a it's knowing that >> it exists or in the case that you had it once before that it can exist. Number one is knowing that it can exist. Yes. And if it happened before that or something better can happen. That's number one. And number two is recognizing that >> the let's just just call dating what it is. >> It's a vetting process. It's a job interview process. I think the old version of dating that chemistry equals relationship success or that we need to be attraction, entertainment, romance, and physical connection is the pathway to to love. It's time to just say, you know what, dating is an interview process, and I need to interview you instead of being entertained by you or expecting to be proven your worth. Like, >> so can I piggyback on this a little bit? >> Sure. Sure. Sure. Um I I've I've I've heard recently this concept and it's from Cabala teachings where >> um >> that in relationship there is a difference of uh ego versus soul. >> Okay. So to piggyback on this a little bit, I would say that the the interview process is um probably a little bit more in the um I I don't want to put this. I'm sorry. I'm trying to get my words together. From the soul's point of view, >> okay, >> I think that the I don't want to I don't want to say that the interview is an ego thing because it's not where where I was going with it. It's very much has to take place, right? We have to bet. We have to get to that point where we see >> I need data >> whether or not I need data. But the soul's uh concept of this is that I'm looking for that which will align with my essence. >> Oh, wait. Say that again. That >> I'm looking for that which will align >> my >> with my essence. >> Okay. So, so let me ask you something. When I said a moment ago, it's an interview process. Did you bristle? I knew you'd say so. I knew you would bristle. Okay. And and and bristle can also feel like an and and I know that seems very sanitary what I say interview. I understand. But my point of of looking at it that way is to be detached from an outcome. >> Yeah. to rem so to be detached from an outcome but being in a relationship with this particular >> person and and more importantly okay being detached from an outcome number one but more importantly is look it you got to use your head more than your lower chakra you know lower chakras okay >> well you got to use your heart too >> well heart can be people confuse heart with ego >> okay >> a lot of people think that they're in their heart and they're and their ego. >> Fair. Fair. >> So, why I say interview is look, >> I bet you 80% of bad dates could be avoided through some really good phone calls ahead of time. Okay? Some really good phone calls ahead of time. I know so many people that will meet based on a they'll just text each other and have a meeting, right? >> Okay. >> So, not one couple good phone calls and in those phone calls ask some poignant questions. We talked about going deeper earlier rather than later. >> Yeah. >> And and and to By the way, if you eliminated 80% of bad dates just by doing that alone, you're ahead of the game. >> That's true. That's true. Because it's it it allows for room for the right one. So, >> so coming back to hope, you know, why I wanted to shoot this video and and by the way, I'm usually the one in our, you know, that creates cultivates the titles and the content that comes out and and [laughter] >> well, for the record though, Paula and I riff all day long about relationships and she's in a woman's group where she gets together with other women and they talk about what's going on in I mean their lives but more importantly their relationship lives tends to be the most >> it's everything but tends to be mostly the conversations so so you have a vested interest in this topic because you're in it with other people you know whe whether it's your friends >> you care about human pair bonding and all that too so >> no I'm not to suggest you don't have other interests it's just you have enough >> of it's in your life daily enough that you add value to this conversation is what I'm trying to say. Okay. >> Trying to justify why you're here. >> Okay. Got it. >> Okay. So, so if if people are exiting from the dating pool, you know, what's going to happen to the what the deep down desire of wanting to experience heartfelt love? Like what happens? I don't know if I have an answer, but I'm curious to hear what you think. >> I mean, I, you know, in this conversation I mentioned earlier, >> I think we all want heartfelt love. >> Yeah. >> And I think sometimes because we've been burned. >> Um, we've dealt with traumatic, you know, relationship experiences, narcissism, >> gaslighting, you know, things like that, ghosting. um that that it's it's it's a challenge >> to come back up off of falling off the horse. >> Okay. >> Right. And the challenge is in believing that the horse is going to take you somewhere and not >> the horse meaning the dating process. >> You keep falling off the horse. You keep falling off the horse. You're like, I don't want to get back on that horse. >> Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. and and and not to beat the dead horse, you know, here, but um but the the hope piece gets there's it gets chunked down, you know, each and every time. And you know, even in in the comment thread, I'm seeing, you know, there's there's a lot of man, it's a it's a [ __ ] show out there sort of thing. >> And they're not wrong. >> No, >> they're not wrong. I think what as women as you know as a woman who's been here for sure um you know we're working on ourselves we're getting you know aligned with who we are and what we want and then we're not seeing it out there >> and it's it is one of those things where I feel like all the the best thing we can say is keep your eye on the prize. >> Yeah. In other words, you know, I I think well, here's >> because there is a prize. There is a prize. >> Okay. So, I think it then then what's important to understand is that you have and this is just a perception on my part is that you have to know your why do you want a relationship? What's your why? >> Like, and can someone write this down? >> The the question first ask the question, why do I want a relationship? >> Yes. And in the why you you coming back to even your conversation about ego and essence and that sort of thing. Yes. When you can get clear on your why. >> Yes. >> That becomes your north star. >> Yes. I love this path you're going on. Yes. >> Okay. And and when you're really clear on your why. Okay. Then it's it's kind of like the Olympic athlete that they they want to win the gold, right? and they work out and they, you know, I'm thinking of gymnastics where they do the tumbles and they they break, by the way, can imagine every finger that they broke or wrist that they have, you know, they tweak their wrist and all of that pain that they experienced is because they have their for like for lack of better word, the eye on the prize. Now the prize is to experience this heart centered love >> in the form of partnership. And I can only speak for myself in our relationship, but I I I I wake up most mornings in absolute joy over what we experience together. And it's not just the physical joy and the smiles and the laughter. It's the teamwork. It's the partnership. It's the helping. Like I get joy out of like I don't know if you know this, but I put your coffee mug out. I pulled it out of the cabinet this morning just so you could have it. You didn't have to do that. And I did that just because of the joy. I Not that it brings you joy that you know you did that. I wanted to make your life simpler. No, but I did it to make your life simpler. >> It makes me smile. >> So So there's some >> Can I piggy back on one thing you said? Sure. Can you hold it? >> Yes, sure. >> Can I [laughter] I have to go to the bathroom. I got to hold it. >> No, I mean, can you hold the thought? >> Yeah. Okay. >> No, it's gone. >> I know. That happens a lot for me. Anyway, um >> I want to I want to piggyback on this because, you know, you h I think yes, you have to know why you want to be in it. >> Yeah. What we're not saying here I think is very important also that a lot of women in midlife are you know have have gone through divorce or you know and they have children and you know maybe empty nesting things like that >> and um you know one of the things they I I've also heard is that you and I thought this was brilliant is that you know when we go through menopause one of the things that that happens is we lose our creation energy so to speak or we don't lose it but it transmutes >> okay >> it transmutes into um a bigger relationship with self >> okay >> and the things we want >> okay >> and the divine >> okay >> and and what happens I think is that a lot of the stuff that we used to think was good or enjoyable or entertaining is no longer >> and that we're looking for deeper and more connected and and and those types of things. And where where we're and this is where I want to get to my point >> that our um our boundaries get stronger. >> Yeah. >> And we're not up for the [ __ ] anymore. >> So I had uh recently I had a conversation with a man in his 50s. Okay. >> It was a referral >> and it's interesting. Uh he's in his 50s. He's an engineer and he hasn't gone on a date in like forever, you know, like like since probably college. >> Yeah. >> And and in the what's interesting about the conversation was we I I said look >> women today they want emotional connection. It's not a transactional relationship. It's not just about companionship, connection and sex. You know, I like your music. You like my concerts. >> Let me Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The me too that my friend Bennett says. Well, let me backtrack. It's not companionship and sex. It's women >> not only >> not. They want connection. >> Yeah. >> And I'm like, look, we have to work at this like an engineer would, you know, and and and it's and by the way, I've heard this from other you don't have to be an engineer to be this way. A lot of men operate from this avoidant place of emotions. And I'm like, look, part of being in relationship with someone is to tap into your emotions and to to to >> to experience. Like women want to hear what's going on in your heart, not you just listening to what's going on in their heart. >> Well, there's a third piece. There's a there's a me, there's a you, and then there's there's the the we. And that entity, >> you know, reflects a mirror, you know, to the me and the you. And and it's, you know, this is where I was kind of going in that last point, which is that we've gotten to the point where we we, you know, we've aligned with ourselves more. We we know what we want, you know, and what we don't want. And I think when we're now in relationship in midlife, Yeah. What happens is we are um we're getting our reflection back at us and and and you know having awarenesses and things like that that we didn't have 20 years ago. >> So what do you mean ref well how are you saying reflecting back so confused on that you know in in the right relationship that aligns with the things that we want. It's like you know why do I want a relationship? I spent two years on my own saying why do I want a relationship? And I got to the point where I where I said I want a relationship because a I love love love. >> Yeah. >> Um but but and you know B more importantly I feel like it's a growth experience that you cannot have on your own >> and it's because of the mirrors in relationship. It's because of the experiences two people have together okay that make that happen. >> Okay. Well, >> I'm not saying you can't have it on your own, but I'm saying it's much more rich. >> No, no, no. I'm in complete agreement. And I'm But this wasn't okay. But what I was saying a moment ago, and this is really an invitation for the men watching this, okay, is women know what I'm saying. You know, there's the the thing is ultimately relationships at least from, you know, there's certainly transactional relationships out there. There's certainly hooking up. There's situationships. There's casual relationships. But for those who want partnership, a big part of that is the emotional support. It's the emotional connection. >> And I think the reason why women are exiting the dating pool in particular because there's a deficit of men who have this capacity. Okay. Now, this brings up what a client said to me yesterday. She goes and and I god I forgot exactly the word she said. I have to call her up and ask her. But she basically said, "It's going to take a woman to get to a man's heart. It's going to take women helping educate men on getting to their heart." Now, I know a lot of women heard what I just said and they are bristling. We are bristling. Okay? But I want you to think about this. You would think, by the way, >> it's kind of like, why is our job having to educate? >> I I get that. But here's my again. >> Yeah, >> I'm I'm just putting it out there. >> Go ahead. >> It's not so much your job to educate. It's you lead by example >> and you lead by with your heart and he either meets you there or he doesn't. You show up as your essence as you said earlier >> and he'll either meet you there or not. And I know a lot of men who aren't the most, you know, like it's not natural for them to be emotionally expressive, but guess what? >> Their partner is. And because their partner's essence, yeah, >> comes from love, comes from an emotional side. She's talking about these things. Yes. Look at the group of men we have in our circle. You know, a lot of them are these great men. It's be and I say great men that are connected to their heart. It's because the women in their lives made them feel safe. Yes. Let me reframe the word made them. >> They felt safe because their essence was rooted in compassion, love, curiosity, nurturing. And so when I So to those that bristled to what I just said, I get it. You you know, it's not your job to train men per se, but guess what? >> Men are trainable. By the way, there's this whole book about men are like dogs. They're trainable. And you actually through your essence, through your compassion. Now, I know many of you have done this, too, and you've fallen flat on your face. >> Well, so you know, >> I mean, the men didn't show up. >> It Yeah. So, and and that's, you know, I don't want to harp on that, but you know, we're not here, let's just say we're not here to educate the man, but I understand where you're going with it, and I think there's an important point in there, and I'm going to try and find the pony amongst the [ __ ] here, okay? But um that that if you if if we as women bring ourselves to the table exactly who we are that we are in alignment with our own values that we're strong on our own boundaries and and not and this and this point I want to really um hammer home not stretch ourselves uh I don't even you know, step over ourselves uh in a way that uh no longer keeps ourselves aligned but and not working from a oh he has potential. >> Yes. Oh, I see your point. Yeah. In other words, >> got it. Okay. That that if there is something in there that is is being seen, I get the trainable part. I think that we need to be careful with the let's educate because they're trainable part. >> Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. >> If if in other words, let's not make red flags green. >> Okay. Got it. Fair. That fair enough. And I to the extent that I'm saying this, I'm merely saying men are trainable in the sense that I encourage women to operate always from their essence, from love, from compassion, from curiosity, from presence, and demonstrate that to the guy. And if he meets you early on, then great. But boy, do I see so many people get caught up in the, you know, uh, oh my god, we we love the same things. We're so compatible. Yeah. And yet they don't talk about their emotions. So I, first off, >> I I'd be curious to hear what you thought about what we've shared so far. Post a comment below. We do our best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value in these videos, please hit the like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to the channel. hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if you want to connect, there's links below. schedule a discovery call with me or Paula might join on to see if working with