I Don’t Care What You Think Of Me For Having A Dream | Rachel Hollis on Impact Theory

You can't give anyone ownership of what is going to happen with you. They can certainly walk beside you, and cheer you on, and maybe work with you, but if you want something, if you have a passion in your heart, fire in your belly, it's going to be you. It's going to be you getting up early. It's going to be you staying up late. It's going to be you running the miles, and and going to the gym, and eating the kale, and doing all the crap that you don't It's only going to be you because outside motivation is only can only last for so long. It You can hire the greatest trainer in the world. You know, you can You can have the greatest cheerleader. I could have you run beside me, and yell out inspirational sayings, but ultimately, it's on me. It's like Do you ever see that video that um Oh gosh, who's the guy that won a billion gold medals for swimming? Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. Do you ever see that video like the end of it is like what happens You are celebrated in the light for what you do in the dark. Like what you do before anyone else is awake. What you do when no one is looking. That's what you're celebrated for. And nobody else can force you to do that. That's going to be on you. [music] Hey everybody, welcome to Impact Theory. Our goal with this show and company is to introduce you to the people and ideas that will help you actually execute on your dreams. All right, today's guest is the number one New York Times and USA Today best-selling author of Girl, Wash Your Face. Dubbed the publishing phenom of 2018, her book has sold millions of copies worldwide, and become one of the best-selling new nonfiction books of the decade. But that is a very long way from where she started. She had a rough upbringing that compelled her to move out at just 17, and despite not being old enough to sign her own lease, she had the courage to move to Los Angeles in pursuit of her dreams. She was dead broke, but full of hustle, and by the time she was just 22, she had started her own upscale party planning business. Through perseverance and massive tenacity, and without any formal education, she went on to build not one, not two, but three thriving businesses, including the multi-million-dollar juggernaut, The Hollis Company. Proving daily that no one gets to tell you how big you can dream, this mother of four, known as the Tony Robbins for women, was named by Inc. Magazine as one of the top 30 entrepreneurs under 30, long before her social stardom made her seem like an overnight success. Today, she has a social footprint that's measured in the millions, and she is one of the most sought-after motivational speakers on the planet. In addition to that, she's the host of two of the highest-rated podcasts in the world, Rise and Rise Together. So, please, help me in welcoming the woman who is taking the world by absolute storm, the author of the new book, Girl, Stop Apologizing, the founder and CCO of The Hollis Company, Rachel Hollis. [applause] I did. What an intro. What a person. You are the greatest hype squad [laughter] I have ever encountered. run behind you everywhere. Please do. I'm going to get that recording and just play it right before I go work out every day. Rightly so. Speaking of things that you do to get hyped up for your workout, you open your new book by saying that it was essentially inspired by a Demi Lovato song. It was. It absolutely was. that was amazing. Thank you. Sorry, not sorry. Yep. And I have a few quotes from the song. Okay, I'm ready. And I want to see what in the book think speaks to this because I So, I put this song on. I'd heard it before, but never really paid attention to the lyrics. It's actually pretty awesome. Good song. So, here are some of the lyrics. Now I'm out here looking like revenge, feeling like a 10, the best I've ever been. My favorite line, if you talk that talk, baby, you better walk that walk, baby. Well, that was pretty awesome. [laughter] And this this is my second favorite. Payback's a bad [ __ ] and baby, I'm the baddest. You're [ __ ] with a savage. Yes, you are. So, talk to me about how your book addresses [ __ ] with a savage. Actually, my new favorite line about being a savage is Ariana Grande's new song. Yes. Been through some hard [ __ ] I should be a sad [ __ ] Who would have thought it'd turn me to a savage? I'm like, yes, I got that. I heard the song and was singing it. Like, I feel like everybody that summer was really singing that song. And it sparked a question for me of what are the things I'm not sorry for. And as a recovering people pleaser, I struggled for years with wanting to make sure everyone was happy. And the idea that someone, my husband or my in-laws or my parents might be disappointed in me was crippling. So, I've done a lot of work and there are certainly areas of my life where I still struggle with that, but there are some areas where I just am I'm savage about it. And one of those for me is I do not care what other people think of me for having goals and dreams for myself. And I just sat in meetings all week with really big companies and people, and they would say like, what does the future look like for you? Like, what is And years ago I would be like, oh, I don't know, you know, we'll see. We'll see what happens. And now I'm like, Oprah. Like, if Oprah and Ellen had a baby, which may be possible here at some point. You know, I like it's someone who can make you laugh and then also can challenge you to show up for your own life is but I couldn't have claimed that 5 years ago or 10 years ago. I would have worried what everyone in this room thought of me cuz who says that? What a douchebag. But I might still struggle with, you know, what you think of my hair or my writing style but I certainly don't care what what you think of me for having a dream and I think that it's one of the things that cripples women most is they have this desire on their heart, they want to pursue something for themselves and they're too afraid of what other people will think. They're too afraid of what like Marissa from eighth grade is going to think of them for signing up for a half marathon. They're too afraid of what their mother-in-law thinks of them for wanting to start a business and they just drown in the shame associated with it and nobody calls it BS. Nobody says like, wait, this isn't we're all dealing with this and so none of us can step forward into who we're called to be because we're too worried about what you think of us. So, not you personally. I know you totally approve of all of us, so. Yeah. That is for sure. How do you build that though? Like how do you go and so obviously at this point you're so well known for your vulnerability which is astonishing and so consistent. It's it doesn't feel like you're putting it on. It just really feels like you're very okay with processing through things, making mistakes, whatever. Like really creating that space so other people can see that you know, behind what you've created is all the stumbling and in the world but you learn from it. So, how did you go from being paralyzed by your mother-in-law's expectations or what you know, your eighth grade friend was going to think to to really owning that? Well, I think first of all, it was over you know, a decade. I know everyone sort of and nowadays we see social media, we're always kind of looking for the magic bullet and I if you want business advice or life, I mean I can tell you what worked for me, but none of it's fast. And I I don't think that the things that are lasting are ever quickly accomplished. So, for me, a couple of things I had really pivotal moment and like at some point I'll stop quoting him, but I'm a huge fan of Tony Robbins. He Going to UPW changed my life. Um that's not an ad and I don't actually know him. It just really was a huge deal for me. Uh but I was at that conference years and years ago and um he they do this thing where it's a question he asks everybody like, "Oh, which parent uh did you crave love from most?" And if you've seen his documentary, he he does the same thing in the documentary. Not who did you love most, who did you crave love from most? And for me, it was my dad. And he said, "Now, who did you have to be for him in order to get his love?" And for me, I I knew the answer. This was nothing new. I'd done a ton of therapy, so I'm like, I So, I'm an achiever. Like, I had to perform. In my family, nobody paid attention to you unless you were doing something good. So, if you got an A on the test, if you scored a goal in the soccer game, then we all clap for you and we love you. And the second that that achievement is done, we're back over here doing our thing. And what that teaches a child is that in order to get love, you better keep achieving. Now, I don't regret that cuz gosh, it's manifested into something really powerful as an adult. But um so, he asked that question, "Who did you have to be?" And then he says, "And who else did you have to be?" And I had never consciously had this thought and it fell out of my mouth. Small. So, my dad was um little girl. Little girl, you don't know what you're talking about. Little girl this. Little girl. And he wanted you to be bigger than life when other people were watching, but he also believed that children should be seen and not heard. You Little girl, you better shut your mouth. So, how do you carry that? How do you carry be as big and achieving as you can possibly be and then shut up because nobody wants to hear what you you to say. And I found myself as a grown woman sitting there realizing that this had become my career. So, I had in the dark, like behind the scenes in a way that it wouldn't bother anybody, I'm building and dreaming and an entrepreneur and super proud of what I'm doing, but if you had asked me, "What do you do?" I'd be like, "Oh, I have this little blog." And it was at the time, I'm like, by myself, it's over six figures. I was really proud of what I but I never said that. Family parties, oh oh, Rachel, she does a little blogger. She does a little DIY, but I I wouldn't claim what I was doing because I just thought, "I've got to be big and I've also got to be small." So, for me, it was A, understanding why. That's why I think therapy is so freaking powerful. It's not that time that you sit in the chair with someone and and cry about all the things. It's that moment where you're like, "Oh my gosh. That's why." If you know why, you can learn how to navigate around something, but I think if you don't know the core of the problem, you can't move past it. So, understanding why I felt that way and also making the decision as a people pleaser that I would no longer seek love from others in negative ways. And the only way I know how to do that is I'm going to be so filled with love myself. I'm going to be so filled with love for my in-laws, for my parents, for for everybody else that it doesn't matter if you love me back. I'm going to love you so hard, it doesn't matter if you love me back because if I've got enough love for both of us, then I don't need to try and shape myself into someone new in order for you to approve of me. So, those are two huge awarenesses that I came to. Yeah, I would say those are huge. You talk about things taking time. That realization, I'm sure, was in the beginning probably a lot easier to say than to actually follow through. How did you process through those moments where you you had this new rule where you're like, "I'm not going to love anybody in a negative way, and yet I feel terrible when I'm not being approved of?" Totally. So, how do you to to process through that? How do you get to the other side? Yeah, so I love I love tangible, real-life, like here's exactly what I did. So, I paid attention to what were the things that really triggering for me. Going to family functions, holidays, those were the times where it would be the worst. So, I'm going to go into um community with people who've known me since I was a little girl, and so there's a lot of stuff that comes up there, and I also have a really long history of managing the stress of that in bad ways. So, oh, I'm going to have to go deal with all my family, I'll drink a bottle of wine by myself in order to be able to handle it. So, instead, it was being able to identify what were the most triggering times, and then preparing in advance to deal with them as the person I want to be. If you're not like if you're not intentional about how you're going to show up, it's like if you aim at nothing, don't worry, you'll hit it. And for me, it was like, "I'm going into these situations that I know are triggering without being prepared, and of course that's why I'm not showing up as the person I want to be." So, we would legitimately and we still do this, but Dave and I would like, you know, 3 days in advance be like, "Okay, Thanksgiving, okay, what are the things that might throw us off at Thanksgiving? Okay, there's going to be people, you know, this person's going to be there, they're probably going to say something that's racist, they're probably going to talk about who they're voting for, it's going to be like a whole thing." Um or we know that they're upset cuz we're not coming to Christmas, too. We're probably So, we would in advance, not in a not in a negative, not creating drama where that none exist, but what might throw us off. Um we're both friends with Brendan Burchard, and he has this great planner, and one of my favorite questions that I ask in the daily planner is, "What do you need to accomplish today, and what might throw you off?" And I think just prompting yourself with that allows you to see kind of from a higher level what might happen. So, we'd identify what might be triggering that day and okay, how we're going to prepare for it in advance. So, for me, this is a very dramatic thing, but I think maybe other women can identify with this. I would go to a family function, I'm going to be triggered by someone who's there, I'm going to drink too much, I'm going to eat a bunch of food that makes me feel like garbage. Now, not only do I feel like garbage, but I've also there's something for me like primal about not treating my body the right way that feels like the greatest form of failure. But now I've also blown whatever health plan I set for myself and that creates a lot of emotional So, there's just So, not only do I need to prepare myself emotionally to deal with these people, but as silly as it sounds, I need to make sure I eat before I go. I need to make sure that I've either eaten things that are appropriate or I've hydrated or I'm bringing food with me. I need to set myself up for success, which as I'm saying it, I'm like if I heard someone say this, I'd be like, "You're crazy." But I The intention was, can I leave this place and still be the person that I want to be? Like can I leave the same woman that I walked in? And I think for a lot of us we go into those scenarios and we walk out as our 13-year-old self. And I wanted to walk out of that time with my family or Dave's family and still be the woman that I want to be. And that looks like preparation. You talk a lot about intention. Yeah. It sounds highly intentional. I think that one of the biggest things that people misunderstand about being successful is it's not that you're smarter than the next person. It's that you recognize where you're at. You're really honest about what you're good at, what you're not good at, what's going to stop you, what's going to hold you back. What are your general thoughts around intention? Should people be journaling? How specific do they need to be? Oh, yeah. I mean, actually it's some of my favorite talks I've ever listened to of yours or podcasts that you've done where you've talked about mindset and how important that was and the impetus for you to change your life in such huge ways because it's everything. It's everything. And this sounds like very sweeping generalization, but the idea that we really can be in control, you cannot control the variables out here in the world, but you can control your reaction to them and you can control how you show up in this space. So, um that looks like for me, um morning routine is hugely important. So, starting, you know, making sure that meditation and prayer, making sure that workout's in. Um I do Brendon's planner. I do my own journal. So, I had this habit for years where it's just as part of my to-do list every day I would write down the dreams that I had for my life and I would write them down as if they had already happened. I'd heard that years ago at a conference. Someone said, you know, it's if you say like, "I'm going to make a million dollars this year." All your brain hears is going to and you already have a bunch of other to-dos, so why does this sentence stand out? But if you said, "I have a million dollars." and you're nowhere near that, it makes your brain sort of wake up and take notice. And so every day for years and years and years I did this practice and it is insane if you go read my notebooks from 5 years ago. It's the life I have today. It's absolutely crazy insane. And that's not like, "Oh, I wrote it down and so it happened." It's I wrote it down every single morning and so every single morning I reset my intention. This is where we're going. This is where we're going. This is where we're going. And it's not just things like, "I want to have a New York Times best seller." which was a huge dream of mine. It's also writing down every day, "I'm an exceptional mom." "I'm an exceptional wife." because that's the woman I want to be and as silly as it sounds, if you don't remind yourself every single day that that's your mission, then you're not resetting where you're headed. And just that simple prompt, it might be something as simple as like, "Oh, I'm going to send Dave a text and tell him he looks hot today." Or "I'm going to, you know, write a note for my kids and leave it on their pillow so that when they get in bed tonight they'll like find a surprise." It's just the simple reminder of of how I want to show up in the world. So, that was hugely powerful for me. Um I also love the idea and forgive me cuz I don't I for sure didn't make this up. I don't know who I heard this from, but I don't write to-do lists, I write results lists. Like What's the result you want, not the thing you have to do. That might have been Tony. Every Basically everything's Tony. Everything's Tony. It's It's a problem. If you ever heard me speak, you'd be like, "Huh, yeah, I've done that 40 times." But uh the idea that you don't say like all the things you want to accomplish today, you write down what's the result that you're after because um Okay, so for instance, years ago when I was an event planner, my to-do list could have been like, "Send emails to these 10 people, redo their portfolio, blah blah blah blah blah." But the result that I'm after is I need a new client or I need to make more money. And if you focus on the result, you can come up with 50 different ways to get to the result that aren't bogged down with all of this other crap you think is in between where you are and where you want to go. So. Yeah, I I agree with that violently. Going back to your book, I think that one thing that's really, really interesting about it is the way that you structure it around like 80% of the book is the excuses that you You literally tackle them one by one, so that was really smart. And then skill acquisition. So, why why that structure? Why excuses and skills? Because that Well, the excuses are just what I hear all day from women in DMs and emails, standing in line at a book signing. It's all the reasons why they can't do what they want to do. And um makes my head explode cuz it's like, "What? Like you're not uh" It drives me crazy. So, I thought it's well and good for us to talk about the things that you need to do to achieve this stuff, but none of this matters if you don't have this foundational like presence of mind to get out of your own way and to stop using that as a crutch for why you can't do what you want to do. If I get flack for anything in this space, it's the idea that I tell women that anybody can accomplish anything and I really believe that to the marrow of my bones because there is no reason that I should have the life that I have, the business I've built, the being on like I shouldn't have any of this. This is working every single day for the last 15 years to achieve the thing that I want to achieve. I you had said something recently or maybe it was on your Instagram where someone said like how do I become a speaker? And you were like speak everywhere. Everyone that go everywhere to that people like oh I I would love to be a speaker, but I can never talk like you and I'm like I spoke at old folks homes. I spoke cuz they can't run away, by the way, if anyone needs this tip. I the people laugh I'm like no it was for real. MOPS groups, which is Mothers of Preschoolers, they exist all over the I'd speak at the opening of an envelope and I was horrible. Like my first speeches, it was this. Maybe something it was like And it's so embarrassing and you know your hands are shaking and I had note cards and I keep the videos on YouTube because I want people to see the progression of what a decade looks like. I've done it so much. You need me to do a keynote right now, I got you. I can make it up. But it didn't start that way. It was so many years and so much effort and the problem is people don't they're like well I can't because or here's the reason why I'm like yeah, me too. I had all those excuses and it didn't mean that making the decision to move forward suddenly it got easier. If anything, making the decision to move forward is harder. Like, cuz now um John Maxwell said this to me the other day. He's like, which is the most name-droppy thing, but I was interviewing him on the podcast. We're not like, you know, having a slumber party. But, he said um movement causes friction. Always. And so, it's you it just because you make the decision to move forward doesn't mean it, you know, now we're now we're doing it. No, now you've got all kinds of other problems. So, excuses were really important for me to tackle just because I I think love my girls, but women especially, like, we need to call BS. And you need to have someone get in your face and say like, with all the love in my heart, this is not this is not real. This is something that you've decided to cling to because it justifies why you're still in the same place. One of the things that I resonate so much with your work is your own ability to get through something, to walk through trauma as you talk a lot about, and to help other people walk through trauma. One thing I think would be really powerful. I'd love to hear like the story about your brother Mhm. is is extraordinary. I'd love to hear how you walked through that. Yeah, uh so, my older brother Ryan was paranoid schizophrenic, uh had severe depression um that started I don't have He's 3 years older than me and I don't have a memory of him being sick when I was little. He's just my big brother and um but, as I think about the time that he started to go through puberty was when it started to really manifest. And my parents tried everything, like, every therapist, every doctor, um and it just for a myriad of reasons just didn't work. Um when he was 17 years old, he shot himself. And I had gone into his room to ask him to give me a ride to school that day, and I found him. And the that you know, 14 like that kind of trauma, I I for years, I mean, I think the years after he died, I don't even have a very clear memory of because it was so much weight. I had and still do have some effects but really severe PTSD from that um terrified of you know, any loud noise um still super sensitive to sound and had really bad insomnia as a young adult and all of these things that I didn't understand were the result of what had happened that day and um it was it was horrible. My my childhood and family life was never good, but that decimated everything. I mean, there was nothing left of our family when that happened um and uh I really destroyed both my parents and um have never recovered from that. And honestly, now that I have children, I I understand. I don't know how you come back from that place. But, I was also the baby of four and I was 14 and it did feel very much like um aren't I enough of a reason to keep living? And I never said that to them, but I definitely felt that way. Um it's also why I, you know, graduated high school a year early from right after he died. Like I started taking every class that I could and got the credits that I needed so I could graduate early and I moved to LA at 17 to get out of the house. Um I didn't want to be in that place anymore. And I think at the time I had convinced myself that if I could just get to a different city, I think a lot of us do this. We think if I could just move to New York or if I could just get to LA or if I could if only I could lose, you know, 50 lb or if only I could have this or you you think that your happiness is dependent on something outside yourself. And for me, I thought of I just need to be out of this town. And then I got to LA and realized like, oh, that's just geography. Like it doesn't matter where you go, I'm still always going to be here. So, um I I think for many years I just tried to survive it, but I will say for all the ways that my parents struggled, something I think they did really well was they made me go to therapy immediately and they forced me to go often for years. Um and I there were so many times that I sat in the therapist's office and said nothing for an hour. Arms crossed, like screw you, I'm not going to say anything. But having having someone in your life, I'm a huge advocate for therapy, having someone in your life that won't cry if you tell a hard story is really important. If you are someone who's always sort of shouldered the weight of things for your family or kind of been the one that takes care of everybody else, you don't share your hardships, you don't share your struggles because you don't want anyone else to hurt. And so now I'm surrounded by all these people who are hurting and I can't tell them what I saw and I can't tell them, you know, all of the things that I'm struggling with, but a therapist for me was a lifeline because if I told them those things, they didn't know Ryan and so it didn't hurt them to hear and I needed that desperately. So, I yeah, I moved to LA and you know, started working and I think for a very long time um did what a lot of people do which is like I'm going to throw myself into work and just ignore this pain and all this stuff that's over here. And uh honestly, my where I am today is maybe 6 years ago started having debilitating anxiety attacks, really struggling to get out of bed, was drinking too much. Like I'd go to work and be all the things for all the people and then I'd come home at night and either have an anxiety attack or if you've ever had an anxiety or panic attack and you like Dave would be like, babe, like what's wrong and I'm like I can't tell you what's wrong just like the world's crashing. Um and was absolutely abusing alcohol as a way to deal with it. And um felt like at the time I was going to have to um maybe get put on medicine and I'm a huge advocate for whatever you need to do to be healthy, but I really didn't want to be on medicine. Um and I thought okay, before it gets to that place you should try and learn everything there is to learn about how to manage anxiety before an attack happens. Now, everything I know about business I taught myself, you know, reading books and on Google and on YouTube and I thought, well if you could teach yourself how to run a successful company, could you teach yourself how to manage anxiety without medication? And you can. Turns out you can learn anything on YouTube. Uh but I um I started going to therapy, I changed my diet, I you know, like so many things you don't think about like how much coffee are you having, how much sleep are you getting. Um and it took a while, but I was able to um manage that in advance and then that made me think, well what else could we dig into? And what else could we um work through? So it's a lifelong process and I still absolutely have days and I still have things that are left over from what happened with Ryan and that will never leave me. But I also really do believe that life's happening for us and so many beautiful things came out of like I am so much stronger, I'm so much more empathetic because of walking through that experience. If you're like a high performer, an entrepreneur, I think that the special little like gift in that is that when you are dealing with something hard, you will let you will ignore problems and issues and whatever until it starts to affect your performance. And then you're like, well fine. Okay, I'll go to therapy cuz now it's affecting my ability to work or whatever. And for me that that was a big part of it was I'm having anxiety attacks from a lot of the stuff I haven't dealt with. And I'm not going to be able to show up as the woman I want to be unless I deal with this. And so I did. Yeah, that's actually a really interesting insight about as a high achiever, if it is diminishing your performance, suddenly you will face up. That was certainly my experience with anxiety. Yeah. Um it got to the point where I was at my in-laws' house, who I love dearly and feel so comfortable around, and my wife wanted me to tell them a story, and I couldn't in front of like four people. I couldn't tell a story in a living room. And I was like, okay, we've officially reached the point now where I have to address this because it's not only affecting that, it's affecting work, and all of that stuff becomes very problematic. I love this because I love the reminder of how many of us are pushing, dreamers, entrepreneurs, achieving, and we are struggling with very real things. I was I'm at my last had interviewed um Stephanie McMahon, I don't know, 6 months ago, and they were both talking about dealing with depression. And I often wonder how many high performers like in these places, I always think like if you want to know what someone in personal development is dealing with, read their last book. Yeah, they're like, let me tell you how to deal, and it's really because they're they're trying to work through it themselves. So, I think it's interesting, and maybe we don't talk enough about like I still have anxiety attacks. I still have times where it get and I have to do the same stuff that I had to teach myself to do 5 years ago or 10 years ago. Like, take a step back. What was your trigger? Are How do we I still have to manage it all the time. And I think I'll have to manage it for the rest of my life. Not to the extent it once was, but it is a part of our lives, which is why in my head wants to explode when someone says, well, I can't do it cuz I have anxiety. I'm like, "You're not the only one." "I can't do it because I'm suffering with this." "You're not the only one." There's so many examples of people living in opposition of what their circumstances told them they should be. And so, I can't listen to your excuse because there's too many pieces of evidence that refute it. The one thing I really hope people take away from you, and I hope it with a fiery passion that I hope it so much I really will run behind you as the hype man. And it's where you tell people that of all the things you've done and accomplished, you didn't know how to do it when you started. And that you had to figure it out, and that the one thing you just kept telling yourself was, "I can figure this out." So, I I love that you talk about I'm Look, I am under educated. It's just like that's a fact, but I'm able to figure this stuff out. I think that's really powerful. Yeah. Another thing that I think is is really extraordinary, and I'd love you to speak to this, is tied to the finale that you did at your event, which in the documentary was such a cool moment. I loved it the most. [laughter] And so, talk to me about opening yourself up to other people's opinions, and how you should respond to that. The most value dependent in my life is my husband. He's my best friend, and that is a blessing, and it also can be a detriment. And I think in some ways earlier in our marriage was really hard because I am a dreamer, and he's very pragmatic. And he doesn't want me to be hurt, and he always wants to temper my enthusiasm. So, for the longest time I would, you know, not do things or not say things because I knew that it would bother him, or I wouldn't take things on because I didn't want to inconvenience him in any way. And I think a lot of people struggle with this. You have a desire or dream on your heart, but you don't want your dream to inconvenience anybody else. And so, it was something I struggled with forever and then I finally just actually that Tony Robbins conference that I came home from and I was like, "Big and small and who am I?" And I was getting up at 5:00 a.m. I started getting up at 5:00 a.m. when I came back and he hated it. Hated it. And I remember he used to get so annoyed because the alarm would go off at 5:00 but he didn't have to be up that early and he would just like huff and like roll over in the bed and be so annoyed and he would get like later he'd get on to me and be like, "When you unplug your iPhone and the cord falls on the ground, I hear the cord sound and it wakes me up." And um I was the first time in our marriage that he actively disliked something I was doing and I didn't stop. I just I was like, "I'm sorry you don't like it. I'll see you later." Like I didn't I didn't shove it down his throat. I didn't get into a big discussion about it. We didn't have to work through it. I was like, "Oh, no, cool. You don't like it." But it was truly the first time that I realized and maybe this is going to sound crazy but that I am a person and what I want and need in life matters as much as what he wants and needs in life because I was raised in a home where what daddy wanted is what we did. And then I took that into my marriage. It wasn't something that he gave to me. I took that attitude into our marriage. And so, if something made him uncomfortable, I didn't do it. And it was the first time that I thought, "Wait, you're grown woman. Like you're a grown-up. And you want to get up at a certain time, that it it sounds ridiculous but it was a big deal in our marriage." So, um I just kept doing it. I I didn't stop and that gave me like to to start sort of taking ownership of my life but that is a huge thing for so many women who come to me and they stand in line for hours and the number one thing I hear is I've lost myself. I've lost myself. I had these babies and I have the and I don't know who I am anymore because I live my life for everybody else. And the reminder is you were someone before you became their mama and she still matters. And you were someone before you became his wife or her wife and she still matters. So um finding a way to to know that like I want to love you and I walk I want to walk beside you and I want to be in relationship with you but even Dave who I love most in the world and who is my biggest cheerleader on earth even his opinion can't have as much weight as my own. And for for the documentary we were planning this conference and I had this crazy idea. I love like love. My favorite thing in the whole wide world is a movie that has like a big number, big dance number, big makeover, suddenly we're busting into song. It's like my dream. And so I came to the team and I was like, "You guys, I have this crazy idea." And it wasn't just Dave. My entire team was like, "You're insane. You know, you and and they're they're it was from a place of concern. Like I'm traveling nonstop, you got a book due, you got all these babies, like how in the world are you going to like learn a dance, choreography, get the whatever?" And I was like, "I don't know, but I just think it's a thing." So uh they all talked me out of it. Like I was like, "Okay." Because what happens is when you have an idea to write a book or build a company or do the thing and you open it up for discussion you give other people the ability to take the wind out of your sails. And most of the time it's from a place of love. So I let them talk me out of the idea. Like you're right because they speak into the exact thing that I'm already nervous about. How am I going to have the time? You don't know how to do a finale. Like all of this stuff. But I couldn't stop thinking about it cuz I just thought, man, like oh, we could have a song and the women who have never Some of them women have never left home. They've never been on a plane and they're in this theater and then all of a sudden there's going to be singing and dancing and oh, it would be so special. And then I was like, yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and do that. [laughter] So I reach out to this random guy that I barely know, this choreographer, and he's like, oh my god, yes. And usually when you reach out to other dreamers, they're like, I've been waiting for this. You [laughter] know? They've been planning this dance in their head for 10 years and finally when you step into what you're called to, now you've given other people the opportunity to step into the fullness of what they're capable of. And so we we pulled it off. I don't even know how, but we pulled it off and it's in the documentary and it's so beautiful and I mean trying to get the rights to that song to put in a movie was like a 6-month process. We never know how to do anything, but we figured out. Uh and it was so beautiful and it was so unexpected and it became this really great lesson. If you have a passion in your heart, fire in your belly, you it's it's going to be you. It's going to be you getting up early. It's going to be you staying up late. It's going to be you running the miles and and going to the gym and eating the kale and doing all the crap that you don't It's only going to be you. Because outside motivation can only last for so long. You can hire the greatest trainer in the world. You know, you can you can have the greatest cheerleader. I could have you run beside me and yell out inspirational sayings. But ultimately, it's on me. It's like Do you ever see that video that um Oh gosh, who's the guy that won a billion gold medals for swimming? Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. You ever seen that video like him in the dark like all the training that you like oh it's a great Nike video that I'm not going to quote well, but um the end of it is like what happens you are celebrated in the light for what you do in the dark. Like what you do before anyone else is awake, what you do when no one is looking, that's what you're celebrated for. And nobody else can force you to do that, that's going to be on you. I think the most beautiful part of the book, stop And this is one I know when people are reading they're going to underline the life out of it. Because of that whole notion of what's on your heart. What's on your heart? What's that thing that you can't like you just can't stop coming back to, you can't stop thinking about it. And in the book you actually make a slightly different reference, you're talking about a story that you wanted to write. And you got feedback that maybe it'd been done before or whatever, but you were just like this is the thing that's on my heart, it's the story that I want to tell and nobody gets to tell me not to. And you said they may be right. Yeah, totally. This may fail. Yeah. The experts may be right that this is not the place to to do it, but that's not the point. The point is to express your joy. And I was like oh my god, like if people get that, they'll be fine. Yeah. Sadly, [snorts] much to my absolutely crushing heart right now, I [laughter] have to ask my last question. But before I do, tell these guys where they can find you online. Uh I am miss MS Rachel Hollis on every social platform and uh you can get the podcast anywhere you get your podcasts. Excellent. All right, my final question. What is the impact that you want to have on the world? I think that if um if you know, 50 years from now or 60 years from now or 2 years from now, I am gone, I'm gone to heaven and someone is asking like how did she show up in this space? Or how did she show up in this world? Um if I could have a legacy the idea that women would take more ownership of their lives and step more fully into who they're called to be. And I I love I'm I'm super grateful for all the bros here. Um I love men. I'm raising three of them. Um but really I feel like my calling is to talk to women. And the idea that you are in control of what happens next because you are in control of yourself. You cannot control the world around you or how people will act, but you can control how you show up today, the intentionality that you bring to this earth, and what you do next with your life. And if I can have an impact, if it Hey, it'd be rad if if women who built massive businesses or became the president were like, "Oh, yeah, I read this book and it helped But even more than that, just the mom in Ohio. Just the girl who's in college right now and struggling with how to show up for herself. Just um any woman that didn't ever think that before, that didn't ever question if I tried this, if I did that, if I taught myself this thing, if I showed up in this way, what would it change? And and once I achieve that thing, then what can I do next? Um that you're in control of your own life, that women fundamentally understand that to their core. If I get to choose any impact, that's it. It's amazing. And guys, I think that she's having that impact. I think that's exactly what you're going to take away from the book. And there's no question that whether I intend to or not, I tend to speak in a fairly masculine way. So, um I think it is really interesting for the audience of this show, whether male or female, to go check her out to if you're not already um following her um YouTube channel, which is extraordinary, her podcasts, both which are both incredible. You will benefit from them. And my appeal directly to the guys in the audience, um I will say this, the reason that I have had the kind of relationship that I've had with my wife, the reason it's been so successful is because when I was a teenager, I was not good with women at all. And so I obsessively started reading Cosmopolitan magazine and everything [laughter] else I could get my hands on because it gave me an insight into how women are when they're talking to themselves. I read her most recent book, Girl, Stop Apologizing. It is not only extraordinary because it's hearing how women speak when they're speaking to themselves, it's just good advice. Like it doesn't matter who you are, it will apply. It is truly extraordinary. And I think that she has insights into humanity that go beyond the the sexes. And I think that you will be blown away by her no-bullshit approach, how it's action items, it is things you can do, it is very specific. It is a list of excuses, and she debunks them one after another and then follows up with how to acquire skills. It is it is extraordinary. There are some people who just crush it in life, and you meet them and you look more and more at their work and you go, I get it. I get why they're as successful as they are. And this is somebody, man, I'm telling you, the closer you look, the more impressed you will be. Go get her book. Go subscribe to everything you can. You will be a better person for it. And if you have any interest in raising a daughter or being in a relationship with a woman of any kind, it will serve you. Yeah. All right. And ladies, I know you already get it, so I won't bother [laughter] with you. All right. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Rachel, thank you so much. [applause] I was beyond it. If If liked that episode, be sure to click below to watch another badass woman who's doing amazing things in the world, Marie Forleo. Enjoy [music] and I'll see you guys there. If I'm miserable, if I'm upset, if I'm angry, if I'm cranky, it is my responsibility