Video summary
Bessel van der Kolk explains that trauma fundamentally alters how the body registers and responds to events, often causing individuals to react as if they are being traumatized long after the original incident has passed. He illustrates this with a poignant example of someone who was sexually assaulted yet continues their life believing it is over; however, when touched by a new partner they like, their body freezes or they cry out in fear because the memory remains stored physically rather than cognitively. This disconnect occurs because trauma robs individuals of the feeling that they are in charge of themselves, leading them to rationalize these reactions as being caused by something wrong with the current situation—such as a specific comment made by someone—rather than recognizing it as an automatic mind process rooted in past pain. The core mechanism behind this phenomenon lies not in higher-level cognitive processing but in elementary brain activities involving the ventral tegmental area, amygdala, and accumbens. Van der Kolk notes that these structures are part of a system we share with all animals, responsible for perceiving immediate threats on an instinctual level; just as a dog hides under a couch during thunderstorms without understanding meteorology, humans react to perceived danger before their frontal lobes can intervene. While the large prefrontal cortex provides adults with the potential to manage emotions and make decisions about how they behave, many people lack this emotional control, effectively sitting atop an "elephant" that has blinders on while believing themselves to be the rider in charge. A significant tension exists between the human desire to feel like architects of their own lives and the reality of having a reactive biological system that operates independently of conscious will. Van der Kolk observes that people often resist acknowledging this lack of total control because it feels disempowering, yet he argues that true courage is found in confronting one's internal demons rather than pushing away anyone who interferes with habitual patterns. He emphasizes that while we cannot always control our reactions—such as the physiological need to breathe or sleep—we do have agency over how we behave and choose to respond once those automatic signals arise. Ultimately, van der Kolk challenges listeners to change their perceptions of the world rather than expecting to fix external circumstances directly. He asserts that therapy is a courageous act required by individuals who are willing to explore themselves deeply instead of sticking to habits that protect them from pain. His work with patients over fifty years reveals that what seems like an insignificant event often hides profound suffering, and survivors should be viewed not as weak but as resilient people who have endured incredible hardship. The path forward involves integrating respect for the body's signals while cultivating new ways to experience oneself and others, acknowledging that we only truly control our reactions after accepting the limits of our biological programming.
Read the full video transcript
when it comes to the body keeping the
score what do you mean how does the body
actually register this what is the
mechanism how does it manifest the brain
VES it but your body experiences it and
your body lives it out so what happens
is that uh you don't remember the trauma
so much as you continue to react as if
you're being
traumatized so let's say you have have
been sexually assaulted and you go on
with your life you say oh just one
incident AB stupid for getting involved
in it it's not happening and then you
get excited about somebody who you want
to be with and then that person touches
you and your body freezes or you start
crying or you become really angry
and your body reacts as if you're
getting assaulted you don't make that
connection say oh I really like this guy
and I like to be involved him but my
memory of the TR the fears no it's an
automatic mind process that gets in the
way of your letting go at that point
yeah you say the trauma robs you of the
feeling that you are in charge of
yourself such a harrowing harrowing but
accurate statement I think
yeah and so you know people defend
themselves against that and say oh it is
because he did something wrong or
because he talked to me the wrong way or
but at the end uh
I just writing our new book finish last
chapter of our new book uh and I start
off with a quote from myself Po in order
to change you need to see the world with
new eyes so at the end if you really
want to be cover from trauma you need to
we need to help people to change their
perceptions of the world we're not going
to change the world out there but we're
going to change what they see and how
they experience themselves and the
people around them well ultimately we
are not in control of what is going to
happen to us in life we really only have
control over our reactions well we don't
even have control of our reactions at
some point you need to go to the
bathroom at some point you need to not
hold your breath at some point you need
to go to sleep uh uh some people will
make you angry and other people will
make you feel all warm inside uh and you
don't have much control over your
reactions you have some control over how
you behave
and that's really the difference between
little kids and adults little kids do
whatever happens to them and they react
to it as adults we get the prefontal
cortex and hopefully most of the time we
can make decisions about how we react
even though our bodies to tell us don't
trust this guy he can still talk to that
person as if you trust
him got this is something I really want
to dig into and I think a lot of people
listening will resonate with this they
are thoughtful inquisitive reflective
people they like their cerebral
horsepower and their cognitive ability
they understand that something can occur
and they can control their behavior and
yet at the same time I that they have a
degree of control over their behavior
even if they don't have a degree of
control over their reaction and the way
it makes them feel at the same time we
also need to be aware and give respect
and integrate and be become um noticing
of the emotions that arise inside of us
and I can see a degree of tension
between these two things the person that
wants to feel like they're in control of
their life and has agency the person who
also wants to appreciate and integrate
the signals that their body is giving
them but not be at the mercy of them how
do you how do you think about the
tension between these things what terst
people often time discover is how little
control they have and in some ways the
people who become my patients are among
the most conscious people you ever hope
to meet because they're willing to
explore their
themselves and most people are not so
eager to do that they want to they want
to stick with their habits in in life
and push away anybody who interfered
with their usual habits and the people
who come to my office say I cannot stand
what's happening inside of me anymore
and I need to be actually become in
charge more of my own reactions so
therapy actually is a a very corageous
Act of
confronting uh your internal demons and
confronting uh the pain and hurt of your
life actually yeah so it seems to me
that when we're talking about trauma
people have a reaction to an event which
typically would not engender that
reaction they are uh trauma sensitive
they are overly reactive in a a scenario
that maybe doesn't warrant it because of
something which they have learned in
their past is that a correct framing so
learned I wouldn't say learned something
has been installed in them from the past
these are not higher level cognitive
processes are Elementary Rea activities
that have to do with the area of the
brain involved in the housekeeping of
the body as Antonio deasio
caes what is that from a from a
neuroscientific sense oh it is your
vental Tech mental area your amydala
your acal gray the prunus it's a back
part of your brain that we have in
common with all animals that help us to
uh perceive what's happening to us on um
Elementary level the same way that your
dog hears the th a thunderstorm and C
craws underneath the couch uh we are
have the same brain as the dogs have and
on top of that we have a big frontal
lobe that hopefully makes slightly more
capable of managing our emotions that
dogs do but many people
don't yes I I've met many people who
don't have any more emotional control
than dogs do and I think that tension
between wanting to feel like The
Architects of our own life and
understanding that we have a lyic system
which very much is the elephant that we
sit on top of and it's not the elephant
that's got blinders on it's us the rider
but we have this belief that we're the
one that's in control I think that
tension is where um some people are
probably resistant to ideas like this
because it feels disempowering it feels
like there is an architect pulling their
strings well yeah yes and no you know
with any sort of self-reflection we all
know that
uh we all are aware of that in a way uh
you know it
is no they may be some people who don't
want to go there but they very I I mean
I I I I understand that may not be the
truth but I think that it explains at
least to me you know I I don't like the
idea that I'm not in charge I don't and
I will find ways to resist that belief
even if I know that it's true I try and
sort of finagle and find ways to go
through things so I guess one of the you
mentioned it earlier on different people
reacting to the same event will react in
different ways some people will be
traumatized and others won't be people
make a big deal out of that you know
having the practice that I do running
the center that I have for 50 years um I
never meet somebody who has been
traumatized by I go like boy that's a
pretty silly thing to get traumatized by
uh you know usually if you dig deeper to
what people have been exposed to you go
like my God and you're still here you're
still able to tell the story uh it is
not like oh something happens and
everybody else is fine and you got
traumatized by it usually if you really
look at the details what happens uh you
see that really was a very painful
experience and my reaction almost
invariably hearing the story body the
people I I work with uh what they have
gone through is like oh my God how the
hell did you survive and I never have
the feeling that oh I would have done
much better than they did this episode
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