Video summary
The video addresses a common challenge faced by individuals who have successfully identified their desires but subsequently feel overwhelmed by the gap between their current reality and their goals. The speaker explains that while asking "What do I want?" is a crucial practice to break denial and foster honesty, it often triggers feelings of inadequacy and stress when people realize they are far behind where they wish to be. Instead of abandoning this exercise, the speaker advises viewers to pair it with a complementary practice: validating their present situation. This involves acknowledging what is already going well in one's life without adding embellishments or forcing positive thinking, thereby creating a sense of safety and reducing the pressure to fix everything immediately.
The core argument presented is that desires are healthy and necessary, but they must not replace the need for self-validation. The speaker clarifies a common misinterpretation of Buddhist teachings, noting that desire itself is not the root of suffering; rather, the problem arises when desire becomes a substitute for appreciating where one currently stands. When people focus solely on what they lack or what they want to achieve, they often fall into an "obligation mode" driven by egoic distress and the belief that they are incapable or broken. By consciously shifting attention to current strengths and successes, individuals can transform their journey toward goals from a high-pressure self-improvement project into a more emotionally secure and sustainable path.
Ultimately, the video concludes that the solution lies in balancing the honest inquiry of one's desires with a grounded appreciation of the present moment. The speaker emphasizes that we are typically trained to focus on how to make everything work or how to improve ourselves, but we lack practice in simply sitting with what is already good in our lives. By adding this validation practice to the routine of asking what we want, we provide our desires with a safe place to land without feeling threatened by them. This integrated approach ensures that the pursuit of goals does not become another source of anxiety, allowing individuals to move forward with confidence and emotional stability rather than feeling inadequate or pressured by impossible standards.
Read the full video transcript
So, we're continuing to look at how to
get what it is that you really want. And
in previous videos, I was talking about
the importance of asking yourself that
question, which is probably the hardest
question in life to sit with. What do I
want? And encouraging in previous
videos, I encouraged uh you to
get into the habit of asking that
question a lot. Right? So now there are
new there's nuance to it and that's what
I wanted to address in this video um
based on a question here. I'll read the
question first and then we'll get into
the the idea of the nuance around making
that question work. So it says hi David
I've been practicing the exercise you
introduced in your previous video about
asking myself what do I want? The thing
is that I actually do know or I've
discovered what it is that I want. The
problem is that once I identify it, I
immediately start thinking, but how am I
going to get there? And that's where I
get stuck. I can see the distance
between where I am now and where I want
to be. And because I don't have a clear
idea of how to bridge that gap, I start
feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
So it says it also brings up a feeling
that I'm already so far behind in life
that I should have figured out I should
have figured this out by now instead of
it motivating me. Um thinking about what
I want sometimes feels uh leaves me
feeling inadequate. So I'm wondering
whether repeatedly asking myself what do
I want is actually useful if I don't
know how to get what I want. Should I
stop doing the exercise for now? or is
there something I'm missing about the
exercise uh I'm supposed uh I'm supposed
to get okay so I'm glad about this and I
want to answer this question because
this person has actually practiced this
okay so sitting with that question of
what do I want and that's on a macro
level in your life a large level in your
life on a minute micro level in your
life what do I want now right now
and in the video I mentioned it's a good
practice to get into asking yourself the
question what do I want
sitting with trying to get honest with
ourselves around that to come out of
denial maybe about some of the things
that we want but that it's a very very
difficult and challenging uh practice
and this person who has practiced it uh
is showing us this right it's it's
predictable that you will run into it's
it sounds very very easy to just sit
with what do I want but the the thing is
that the all these feelings and the big
feeling that's in that question there
and most people come into contact with
it. It's it's about yes, how is it going
to happen? But it's this feeling of
inadequacy. I don't think I'll be able
to do it or I'm so far behind in life
from from where I want to be. And it
brings up these feelings of inadequacy.
So what I'm going to suggest here is
that no, you don't stop the practice,
okay, of asking what you want. But what
we do with it is we have to in
conjunction with that
start a practice of validating where you
currently are in your life. Okay. So
those two things together are the ideal
scenario here. So in the lower level of
consciousness I talk about a sort of
egoic level. I call it the distressed
mindset. We find ourselves in this thing
of I'm not good enough. I'm inadequate.
Nothing ever works for me. I'm
incapable. But you have to do it. Okay?
you need it. You can't live without it.
Um it'll be so much better if you can
just do that and fix your broken life.
Right? This is the the trap we get into.
Now, what we're doing what we're trying
to do with this these exercises is to
we're practicing this thing about what
do I want? That's bringing us out of
denial and it's getting us honest about
what we want. But then there's that
other practice of
gratitude.
I mean that's a a term people recoil
from nowadays because they feel that
that's fake.
But it's not a fake form of gratitude.
It's it's just the the practice of of
looking at your life as it currently is
without any adjustments, without any
embellishments or positive thinking at
all and acknowledging the things that
you're doing well in your life and that
are going well. Now, that for some of
us, it may feel like a that's a hard
practice and it is. It can be a hard
practice, especially if we're coming out
of that lower level of consciousness,
that lower mindset. But it is a practice
and it's again one of those things to
sit with. So the question you could ask
is what's currently going well in my
life? What am I doing well? What is it
about me that's good that I appreciate
with that? That sort of sets up an
environment where that wanting can come
in and it can have a safe place to land
where it's not now seen as a fixing
project or pressuring you to achieve
this impossible standard. What you need
isn't more motivation necessarily. What
you need is more validation,
support for yourself in going after
those things that you really want.
Other people when they try this exercise
for a while, okay, what do I want? And
then they're finding out, okay, I want
this, I want that, I want that. And then
these these stressful feelings, these
pressurized feelings come up. And they
make a mistake, I feel, where it's like,
I need to forgo that. That's just
trouble. It's that misinterpretation of
Buddhism, which is desire is this the
root cause of all suffering. That's not
true.
And that's a misinterpretation of the
Buddhist teaching. I think really what
it is is
yes, the desires are perfectly healthy,
but it can't be seen as a substitute for
validating where you currently are,
right? So, it's a healthy thing to know
what you want and and to acknowledge and
be around it and be honest with yourself
about what it is you want, but it has to
be partnered
with
that practice of validation where you
currently are in your life. what's going
well. And it is a difficult practice to
do, but again, all it requires is
practice. We're just not practiced in
it. Typically, we're practiced in
self-improvement and how am I going to
make everything work? As opposed to,
well, actually, hang on. The the
practice is to sit with that question,
what's going well in my life currently?
And that will actually give that those
desires a safe place to come in and land
for us. So, I love that question and I
wanted to answer it because I could tell
the person was actually practicing it.
Um, and that's been my experience in the
past, too. It's not that you
don't ask yourself that question or or
that when you ask that yourself that
question, what do I want? And you you
run into the emotional blocks around it
cuz I said it's a very difficult
practice. But the answer isn't to forgo
them and forget about it because those
feelings come up. It's to realize, well,
what are those feelings calling for?
They're not calling for me to to go back
into denial. They're calling for me to
validate myself currently in my life so
that this um
journey to what I want isn't another
self-improvement thing or a pressurized
experience for me. So keep that in mind.
Add that to your practice of asking what
I want. And I think that will be a a
much more emotionally safe or
a much more enjoyable dare I say it way
to practice that and get the benefits
from it because the original bit the
video about asking yourself that
question what do I want is again it's
asking it's it's it's addressing that
conditioning we have to never ask that
question and always be in obligation
mode. What do I need to do? What should
I do? What do I have to do all the time?
So again now that obligation mode is is
through that question of what do I want?
and now just add the the validation to
it. So, a little bit more nuance to
these exercises, but I hope that's
useful and insightful. And again, if
you're like that person and you're
you're trying any of these exercises or
these practices, leave your feedback
below. It's helpful for other people to
see it, too.
Take care of yourself and I'll see you
in the next video. Take care. Bye-bye.