Video summary
Determining whether a narcissist truly loves you is an incredibly difficult task because their expression of affection often deviates significantly from healthy relationship dynamics. While they may initially mirror your interests, obsess over you, and place you on a pedestal to create an intense, overwhelming connection, this behavior is rarely rooted in genuine emotional attachment. Instead, what appears as love at the beginning is often a strategic maneuver designed to make you fall for them quickly so that you will provide everything they need without them having to work for it. This initial phase creates a false sense of security and deep affection, but it is actually a transactional setup where you are expected to conform to their demands and give up your time, energy, and emotions indefinitely.
The core issue lies in the fact that narcissists view people as objects to be used rather than partners to be connected with, meaning there is no real unity or warmth in their interactions. They suffer from an inability to self-soothe and a profound lack of emotional regulation, which forces them to constantly seek validation and supply from others. Because they cannot understand or accept themselves, they are incapable of forming a true bond with anyone else; if they cannot connect with their own emotions, they certainly cannot connect with yours. Consequently, no amount of patience, compassion, or unconditional love you offer will ever be enough to stabilize their moods or satisfy their insatiable need for control, as they simply do not possess the capacity to absorb or reciprocate genuine emotional intimacy.
Ultimately, the relationship with a narcissist is characterized by a trauma bond built on lies, betrayal, and a fantasy that never truly existed. You may feel like you are chasing a vision of who they were supposed to be, making excuses for their hot-and-cold behavior, but the reality is that their "love" was merely a mirage created to meet their own unmet needs and resolve feelings of resentment. Once they have extracted what they require or found someone else to supply them, they will devalue you and leave, leaving you feeling inadequate because the foundation of the relationship was never built to last. The truth is that narcissists do not know how to love in a way that fosters depth or longevity; instead, they engage with partners only as long as it serves their agenda, ensuring they can leave feeling like they got the better end of the deal while you are left questioning if you were ever truly loved at all.
Read the full video transcript
How to tell if the narcissist really
loves you.
Many survivors wonder if the narcissist
actually loved them because you were in
a relationship with them.
And when you're in a relationship with
someone,
you want to know if they love you.
But when you're dealing with a
narcissist, it can be very difficult to
tell. They may forget your birthday.
Years can go by without them ever saying
that they love you.
And so this is how it could be so
confusing
because you just never really know where
you stand with them.
But there are a few signs to tell if the
narcissist really loves you.
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Now, let's get into this one.
Love is a feeling of strong affection,
warmth, and deep attachment where we may
choose to be kind, patient, and helpful.
The narcissist may say that they love
you, and we can't really say that they
don't. We can't ever truly say or know
what another person feels because that
is their personal subjective experience.
It's influenced by their own tastes or
opinions rather than external facts. So
they may say they love you, yes, but not
in the way that you love them and not in
the way that you think they love you.
What they love about you is if you
conform,
if you do what they want you to do, if
you give them what they want. And that's
how it often results in failure or
disaster.
Because this isn't a relationship, it's
just a one-sided transaction.
And when you conform and you intend to
give them everything they want, you have
to be prepared to give them your life
because that's what it costs.
It cost you your time, your energy, and
your emotions.
They suck you dry. They take everything
from you
because they demand from you over and
over again.
But it doesn't matter how much you give
because they're insatiable.
So it's never going to be enough.
They're always going to want more
because they have a disorder. They're
unable to self soothe.
So they need this validation from you
and from other people as well because no
matter how much unconditional love you
give them or how much patience,
compassion or empathy you show them,
it's never going to be enough to
stabilize their moods
because they have great difficulty
absorbing information and emotion from
external stimuli. So they don't even
understand what you're giving. They
don't see people and emotions in the
same way that we do because they just
see it as something that they're
entitled to.
They expect you to provide for them. So
they expect you to do this all the time.
At the beginning of the relationship,
they mirrored you. They obsessed over
you. They put you on a pedestal. They
made sure that you felt good so that you
became hooked. But you really just fell
in love with a reflection of yourself
based on your own interests or ideals
rather than anything that was coming
from them because that's not really who
they are. There is a lot of darkness in
them
and that is how they were often very
angry and they felt entitled to so much
from you because they can't self soothe.
They can't feel good on their own.
So they look for other people to make
them feel good.
But that isn't love
because there isn't this warm, happy
feeling
of closeness, affection, or unity.
You're not building something together.
It may have felt intense at the
beginning
as you're being swarmed by their
emotions and their agilation of you and
you're completely overwhelmed by all of
it
until it soon lessens over time and then
you feel like you're losing them.
But healthy relationships happen the
other way around. It's not so intense at
the beginning. It's not fast-paced.
It's slow and then it progresses
and it develops into something much
deeper than you'll ever experience with
a narcissist.
Because with a narcissist, it's very
fast and they're all over you initially
because they want you to fall in love
with them.
They want you to provide them
with everything they're looking for,
everything they need,
because then they don't have to work so
hard.
They know they've got you.
They know you're there whenever they
need you because they know you love and
accept them.
So they expect you to accept their
faults and they expect you to make
things right. Just like a parent with an
unruly child, they expect you to love
them like they are your child,
where it's one-sided.
So they will love you as long as you're
giving them what they want. As long as
you're providing everything to them
because they see people as objects, as
something they can use whenever they
want and something that is replaceable.
So there is no real connection.
They can't connect to you.
They may struggle to perceive your
emotions. They may struggle to
understand you because they don't even
understand themselves. So if they can't
connect to themselves,
if they can't even own or accept who
they are, then how are they meant to
connect to you?
And yet you may feel like they love you
just in a way that you can't understand.
And you're always chasing this vision of
what you thought they were at the
beginning because you've had a taste of
it and you assume that maybe now they're
just going through a hard time.
You make excuses for them
when you just have to understand that
they can't connect to you in the way
that you might want them to. Their love
may seem powerful at times, but then
it's also nothingness at the same time.
And that is how it's really just
something that you crave. It's never
really something that you're actually
enjoying in or partaking in. It's a
trauma bond. There's lies and betrayal
because it's just a fantasy.
You just feel like they love you in some
sort of way, but the love never really
existed.
It was just a mirage of what you wanted
it to be.
It's just that we make up these
scenarios or stories in our heads. We
give them the benefit of the doubts
because it's easier than accepting that
we've made a mistake or that there
really isn't anything.
And to alleviate the confusion when
they're constantly hot and cold.
But the truth is they don't know how to
love. And that is why there is no depth
to this. It doesn't last long because it
isn't built to last. It's built just to
get their needs met because they have an
agenda.
They come in and take what they can
within a certain time frame so that when
they leave they're going to feel okay
and maybe they will have someone else
who they can get more supply from.
But they're not going to tell you this.
They're not going to explain it to you.
They don't have the mental bandwidth to
understand it. But this is what they do.
They idealize you. And at first it may
feel like love and it's very intense,
but it's just to make you love them. And
then they leave you feeling like you're
not enough because they only got
involved with you to use you and to
resolve these feelings of resentment
they felt when they initially idealized
you.
That's why they're constantly extracting
everything from you and then they just
run you down and they dry you out
because it all stems from insecurity.
They use you to meet their own unmet
emotional needs and so that they can
leave feeling like they got the better
of you.
I hope this video was helpful for you
today. If it was, please give it a
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Thank you for watching and I'll talk to
you soon.