Video summary
Dr Julie Smith explains that people pleasing often stems from a deep-seated fear of disapproval, rejection, or causing others displeasure rather than simply being a nice person. While many individuals engage in this behavior occasionally to maintain harmony, for some it becomes an all-consuming habit where the well-being and feelings of others are placed above one's own health and values. This dynamic creates unsustainable turmoil and chaos, effectively handing other people excessive power over the individual's life choices. Consequently, those who constantly chase approval often find themselves in exploitative relationships or situations that do not align with their true selves, leading to regret and a loss of personal integrity. The core issue is distinguished from genuine kindness by the presence of compulsion; when one says "yes" out of fear rather than choice, it undermines trustworthiness because there was no real option involved. Smith highlights how society often pathologizes normal emotional tendencies or overuses therapeutic language to label behaviors as narcissistic or traumatic without nuance. She argues that while traits like being considerate are lovable parts of our nature, they become problematic when driven by an inability to hold boundaries. The goal is not to eradicate these compassionate instincts but to ensure actions arise from conscious choice rather than a compulsive need to appease others' emotions at the expense of one's own needs. To overcome this tendency, Smith emphasizes that assertiveness and boundary-setting are highly learnable skills that require practice in light-hearted ways before tackling more difficult scenarios. A recommended approach involves creating a list of situations where it is hard to be firm, starting with the easiest ones—such as going home on time or taking holiday—and gradually working up to harder challenges. This method helps dismantle anticipatory anxiety, which often paints future interactions as nightmares that are far worse than reality; in practice, the actual awkwardness of saying "no" usually passes quickly, and reactions from others are rarely as negative as feared. These small victories build momentum, proving that one can change long-standing habits without needing to start with a clean slate or expecting overnight transformation. The discussion also touches on the deceptive nature of emotional puritanism, where individuals feel noble for having no needs or sacrificing their own well-being so others can feel good. Smith illustrates this with an anecdote about checking in with a friend after a debate; although she felt compelled to apologize and reassure him due to her people-pleasing nature, he pointed out that reaching out was actually virtuous because it showed care for the friendship itself. This example underscores the importance of distinguishing between acting from fear-based compulsion versus genuine virtue. Ultimately, Smith concludes that awareness is the key tool; recognizing one's tendency allows individuals to pause and choose a different response when necessary, ensuring that kindness remains a chosen value rather than a forced obligation driven by anxiety.
Read the full video transcript
what have you come to learn about people
pleasing people pleases where it comes
from yeah so you know
often often it makes sense you know
often these things feel um confusing
until you hear someone's story and then
it makes complete sense and you kind of
I've had so many of these moments with
people in the room where you know they
come in and and think you're just not
going to understand this this is just
bizarre and complex and I I don't get it
and and then you spend a decent amount
of time going through someone's story
and then you get to this lovely point
where you kind of say to each other of
course of course it is this way how
could it not be given everything that's
happened and you know there isn't sort
of one story or one scenario that always
leads to people pleasing there are lots
of different ones and but I think it's
important to distinguish that people
pleasing isn't being a nice person it's
it's so much more than that it's
um it's being absolutely Vigilant to how
other people feel and placing that as
your absolute priority over and above
your own well-being your own health
anything so you know it's just
terrifying the thought of displeasing
someone else or um experiencing their
disapproval or they're not liking you or
rejecting you um and so you know I've
seen people who live in in turmoil um
trying to please everybody around them
and keep them pleased uh which is not
sustainable and so it creates chaos
where you know you're you're constantly
chasing your tail and and it gives other
people a lot of power over you so you
can end up in in relationships that are
sort of exploitative or um just not
healthy for you um and and yeah so I
think it's one of those things that sort
of banded around
um and and it's something that a lot of
us kind of do in bits and Bobs kind of
yeah sometimes I'm like that or in
certain situations I'm like that and and
some people spend their lives um really
really struggling with it the desire for
us to take something we do a little bit
and turn it into a label that describes
our entire personality uh is quite
strong in the pathologization of sort of
normal emotions in that way which is odd
right because both me and you um are
fans of sort of emotionally informed
therapy and people understanding their
emotions I also think it's very
interesting I think it's one of the most
interesting things that you can do uh
and yet I imagine that you have a
similar problem to me as the the overuse
of therapy speak online to describe like
this person wasn't mean to me they were
narcissistic or they caused me trauma uh
you know I'm not sad I'm depressed and
uh the sort of the straying over into
you cross the boundary that's that's one
of my bound etc etc um so so people a
lot of the time will say yes to things
when they mean to say no or they want to
say no they want to become firm at being
able to disappoint those around them how
can they become better at that I think
is one of the most important skills
anyone will ever learn actually because
you're you put yourself at risk if you
if you can't uh say no when you need to
or you can't hold boundaries and there's
that people pleasing tendency so if
everything is about everybody else and
what they want from you um and that's
where it's not the same as being a nice
person so you know if you're um if
everybody else's needs and wishes and
desires come first and you don't have
the ability to put a stop to that when
it doesn't fit then you'll end up doing
things that you regret and don't fit
with your values or that don't feel like
you're being a nice person but it's
because somebody else has more power
over your behavior than you do um so I
think assertiveness skills are a big big
part of what's taught in therapy
actually you know teaching people to
manage uh difficult people and and
people who perhaps have more power in a
relationship or you know um it kind of
sounds easy to be able to say no um and
and it's not because it's always packed
out with lots of emotion and complex
Dynamics between two people and so it
can be really difficult but it's
absolutely learnable and so that's where
um it's it's important to remember that
even if you've had a habit for life of
putting everybody else first and being
the I don't mind I'm fine you know
whatever you think um type person that
you can begin to change but it's often
about learning specific skills and why
do you start what are the skills so uh a
lot of it is practice in uh
light-hearted ways you know we talked
about the sort of acting opposite to
urges using polos and kind of you know
situations that aren't necessarily um
the most emotive the most difficult for
you you kind of grade situations you
could even make a list to be fair so you
can uh make a list of the different
situations where it's difficult to be
assertive or state your own needs and
you take the easiest one and you start
with that and you practice and you have
a go and then you come back and you see
how it went what went well what you know
and um so I was working with someone on
um on dealing with those kind of
assertiveness skills or needing to stay
only in a workplace and and uh you know
going at home on time or taking holiday
those sorts of things and so we started
with something really uh that felt the
easiest and then we just assessed it so
you know stress test things and then
learn from it actually the anticipatory
anxiety about it was much worse than
actually the awkward moment of saying
what I needed to say and their reaction
was not as bad as I thought it would be
um you know I had all that fear and
discomfort
but that died down as soon as the moment
was over and then actually I got what I
needed and uh the situation was better
than it would have been and I'm not
living in resentment so when when you
start small you get these small
victories that give you that momentum
and give you that sort of drive to move
forward and go for the next challenge
but you can't expect to suddenly go
right from now on I'm going to be
boundaried and assertive and strong and
and going to overnight hard out yeah
right it's just not going to happen you
have to do these things gradually and
start with the easiest thing something
that almost feels a bit silly that's so
easy it's almost a bit kind of really am
I starting here but then you get that
little easy Victory and then you move on
to the next one which is a little bit
more diff difficult and and so on that
anticipatory anxiety thing is so funny
because you're right it's almost always
your ability to uh turn the future
situation into a nightmare is
significantly better than it almost ever
is and the stupid thing is that all of
the nightmares that you genuinely uh
encounter in the real world are ones
that you probably didn't see coming to
go okay so I have this unbelievable
ability to predict things that aren't
problems and not predict things that are
going to be massive issues okay
brilliant thanks yeah amazing way that
our brains are set up um but yeah I I I
think that that's right and again as a
uh uh slowly rehabilitating people
pleaser uh that's a way that that I
found to be better as well um to learn
to be able to make demands of other
people to not subjugate my needs uh or
believe that I don't have needs or think
that it's Noble to not have needs to put
somebody else ahead of me oh this is
like a sort of a sacrificial type it's a
sort of odd like emotional puritanism
where you think uh if I feel bad but
someone else feels good net net that
means that it's good
go what if both what if you could both
feel good but you just need to sort of
make a a demand yeah yeah so true and
often you're when you feel like you're
being a nice person and because you're
making them feel good um actually
sometimes what you're doing is just
appeasing them and you're just scared of
their emotional reaction or their
disapproval and it's you know feel it's
motivated by fear of of what their
reaction might be rather than um you
know your own values around what should
happen in that situ it's also not very
trustworthy if somebody can't trust you
I know it's very difficult to trust your
yes and you know you hinted at uh if you
don't have any choice it's not
particularly virtuous you don't even
feel good about doing The Virtuous thing
because you didn't have any other option
you didn't choose to be nice to this
person you simply couldn't be bad yeah
and um I had I wrote about this this
week actually that uh a friend of mine a
few months ago me and him had had a a
sort of well-meaning debate but I was
worried that I'd upset him so I rang him
a little bit afterwards and I was like
hey man I just wanted to sort of check
in and make sure that you're yeah of
course like of course it was it was
totally fine and then I he heard me
start to chastise myself for going see
this is this is my people pleasing
nature coming out this is me I had to
check in he's like whoa whoa whoa hang
on a second the reason that I love you
as a friend for one of the big reasons
is because you decided to put me first
even in this situation even the one that
was neutral the fact that you did reach
out and car he like be careful
pathologizing something which is
actually a really virtuous part of who
you are and I'm like right okay so doing
the thing was uh good it's
a part of my nature that my friends are
glad that I have yeah but by not really
but by being compelled to do it as
opposed to choosing to do it that does
kind of dagate some of the virtue that's
behind it so I was like right okay so am
I supposed to purposefully try and get
rid of that so briefly make myself a
worse friend to then relearn it again
consciously so that I can finally get
back to the place that I was in the
beginning I'm like that seems
unnecessarily effortful like to go
around this whole Loop to end up at the
place that I started again but this time
it's you know what I mean and I think
this uh this line between virtue from
compulsions and virtue from ches and
then this odd sense that we need to
deprogram it's right okay so if it's
hard to do does that make it more
virtuous like it's in my nature like
that's just me speaking forward what a
lovely way to be would you rather be
somebody that's mean and you have to
work hard to do that thing would that
make you a better person if you were
good but you were naturally mean I'm
sure I'd be able to find a way to
castigate myself and whip myself into
submission say well I mean you know that
you did the thing but you didn't feel
like doing the things that's you know
the uh human desire to minimize uh our
sort of good points is um robust to say
the least yeah and and like you say it's
all about um the choice and you know
that you clearly have an awareness of it
now and so if you found yourself in a
situation where it was really
detrimental to you and you knew that you
probably should say something different
but you'd said X because um because of
that people pleasing tendency then you'd
be in a a better position to be able to
choose something different because you
have that awareness and and that's the
key isn't it is
it's okay to have that as a trait and
and that sort of tendency um because if
you're aware of it then when it becomes
Troublesome you stand a chance at doing
something different doesn't mean you
have to kind of eradicate everything and
you know clean slate and start again um
you can and that's the thing you know a
lot of um a lot of stuff now is about
you like you say pathologizing
everything and and as if it's something
that's wrong with us and and actually
those those tendencies can also be
really lovable parts of us and things
that other people appreciate about us or
that we appreciate about ourselves um
but that don't always work in every
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