Video summary
The video emphasizes that many young men remain passive during their single years, only to realize they are unprepared when they meet a potential spouse. The speaker argues against the common misconception that one can "get their life together" once they find a partner, urging instead that intentional preparation now yields immense rewards later. However, this preparation must be grounded in a primary motivation to honor and glorify God, rather than making a future wife the sole focus of one's life. The speaker outlines five practical steps for single men to take, noting that while some may feel they already possess certain qualities, true readiness requires addressing deep-seated habits and mindsets that often go unnoticed until marriage approaches.
The first step involves examining how individuals self-soothe when experiencing negative emotions like anxiety, fear, or boredom. While children might use comfort objects like blankets, adults often rely on vices such as binge eating, pornography, social media, shopping, or excessive TV watching to cope with these feelings. The speaker shares his own struggle with using food to numb emotional pain and encourages viewers to document their coping mechanisms to identify unhealthy patterns. By consciously choosing to turn to God for comfort instead of indulging in harmful habits, men can break cycles that will only persist into marriage, ensuring they are not relying on idols for peace but on a genuine relationship with Christ.
Developing a deep, authentic relationship with God is the second crucial step, which requires shifting from a performance-based faith to one rooted in knowing who God is. Many men mistakenly believe their relationship with God is about trying harder or modifying behavior to become "good enough" for a girl, but the speaker describes this as disordered affection. Instead, he urges viewers to seek a transformative connection with a perfect, loving, and compassionate God, not for what He can provide but because of His inherent nature. This kind of relationship changes a person from the inside out, fostering genuine growth that is essential for building a healthy marriage foundation, rather than relying on superficial religious checkmarks or behavioral modifications aimed at impressing others.
The remaining steps focus on cultivating real social skills, overcoming self-pity, and developing true confidence based on security and significance in God. The speaker challenges viewers to practice approaching new people, even if it feels scary, and to listen curiously rather than trying to be the loudest or funniest person in the room. He also addresses the trap of victim mentality and hyper-focusing on personal shortcomings, urging men to stop expecting rejection based on perceived flaws like not having a car. Finally, he redefines confidence not as boastfulness fueled by attention-seeking or self-deception, but as finding security in God's unconditional love and significance in His eyes. This perspective allows men to take risks, fail, and succeed without letting their identity depend on performance, ultimately leading to a resilient character ready for the challenges of marriage.
Read the full video transcript
In my experience, far too many young men
are passive in their single years and
then find themselves woefully unprepared
when that girl comes into their life.
There's this lie and mentality that, you
know, I'll get my life together when I
meet her. But what I found is that if
you can put in the intentional work now,
the rewards later are immense. But this
isn't what most men do. But this is what
intentional godly men do. So, in today's
video, I'm going to share with you five
practical steps that you can take in
looking to prepare for marriage in your
single years. Buckle up because
personally, number four was my greatest
challenge. Before I get into the first
practical step, I can recognize that
there are a lot of you guys watching
that are single and you have a desire to
be married. But I don't want you to lose
sight of what this video is really
about. It's not about the fact that your
single year should all be about this
potential marriage in the future and it
should just all be about this woman. As
much obviously as I think it's important
to prepare for marriage, I do think that
in the midst of all these things that
we're doing, our primary motivation has
to be to honor God, to glorify God, to
love God with our life. A girl, a
potential girl, a future girl always
comes second. Just so we got that
straight. Now, let's dive in. The first
step is address how you self soothe.
Address how you self soothe. This might
be a foreign concept to you. If it is,
that's not a big deal. Let me just break
it down to you very, very simply. We all
use things from the time we were a
little kid that make us feel better when
we're experiencing some kind of negative
feeling. Maybe it's anxiety or fear or
loneliness or boredom. Any of these
experiences that we might be feeling, we
do things to cope with that. Maybe as a
little kid you had a blankie or you
would, you know, drink some juice or you
would, you know, go into a particular
corner of your house. These are things
that you would do to self soothe. Now,
there's this misconception that we stop
doing this as an adult. No, I'm I don't
have a blankie anymore. I don't I don't
need a cup of juice to calm me down. No,
I don't do those things. I don't run
behind the couch when I'm scared or
fearful or angry or any of those things.
But we still do self soothe. That's the
truth. But we do it in a different way.
So these are the kind of things that we
use. We use food. There's uh TV, maybe
it's binge watching TV shows. There's
pornography, social media, sex, buying
stuff. Any one of these things, and you
list what yours might be. Maybe it might
be sports, right? It's how you deal with
the negative feelings that you're
experiencing. how you deal with these
these feelings that we all experience
from time to time. But we we play into
these vices for a greater or lesser
degree. Like nobody would say that, you
know, a kid that has a blankie that's a
real vice. You know, that kid that kid
has a problem because society it's
pretty acceptable for a kid to have a
blankie around with him. But even still,
pe people and grandparents might be
like, you know, he's too reliant on that
little blankie there. You need to
develop some separation. Now, as an
adult, maybe it's not a blankie. It's
something that it can actually
potentially be harmful for you. It
distracts you. It becomes an idol in a
sense because it becomes the thing that
you're turning to for peace, for
comfort. Now, it may be that you say,
"No, no, Isaac, I love God and God is
everything to me and you know, [snorts]
he's the one I look to comfort for." But
I want you to really look at how you
live your life. Like, when you
experience a negative emotion or an
insecure feeling or boredom, where are
you going? Are you going to God? Are you
praying to him for strength to lead you
out of temptation that you might be
going to or or for indulgence or
reliance on other things or are you just
giving into those things? Here's what I
realized is that the things that I used
to cope are still the things that I want
to use to cope even in marriage. So for
me, something was food. I loved to to
binge eat. That was something that was
just I don't know part of my life at
that point, especially as a single guy.
I'd experience these negative anxious
emotions and I would try to fast
throughout the day um for weight reasons
and then you know by the end of the day
I was so hungry and I would just binge
and I would eat everything and then I'd
wake up the next morning I'd feel so st
sick to my stomach. Catch yourself doing
this. Document each time you experience
one of these powerful feelings and how
you respond. Do you go to eat that
brownie? Do you go to watch a TV show?
Do you go to pornography? Do you go to
buy something new on Amazon? or do you
choose in that moment to give it to God
to ask God for his presence to ask God
for his comfort and his love? The second
thing is develop your relationship with
God. Some of you might be tempted even
in this moment to fast forward this
part. I know I might be if I was in your
position because I'm like, "Well, Isaac,
I have a relationship with God. This
isn't something that I really struggle
with." But before you do that, I want to
touch on one thing. For a long time, I
felt like my relationship with God, this
check mark, was about me trying harder,
doing more, modifying my behavior to be
that good Christian guy so that girl
will like me. Guys, trust me, those were
disordered affections. First and
foremost, my affection needs to be on
Christ and getting to know him. Not just
because it leads me to another person,
get to God so then I can get to the
girl, but rather that I would get to
know God because he is so good. Not for
what he could give me, not for what he
could provide, but because he himself is
amazing. Think about the best
relationship that you have on this
earth. That relationship is
transformative in your life. It is
absolutely. So, think about being in
relationship with someone that is
perfectly loving, compassionate, who is
the embodiment of truth. That is a
transformative relationship. And if you
guys are intentional about wanting to
grow this kind of personal
self-development,
the you know trying harder is not the
move, but rather being in relationship
with someone who transforms you. The
third step that I want you to focus on
as a single guy is cultivate real social
skills. I know there's a good portion of
you guys watching that would say that
you know what social skills are just
more difficult and for whatever reason
it just doesn't come as naturally for
you and you see other people that it
just seems so effortless and normal and
they don't really have to think about it
and you're you're just kind of jealous
and hey like I understand that I get it
but that doesn't mean that you can't put
in the work to get there. Okay,
cultivating real social skills isn't
necessarily about it just becoming being
natural to you, but rather having the
right insight into the things that make
up a interesting person to talk to and a
good facilitator of a relationship. So,
some of the things I want to emphasize
are learn how to approach somebody new.
Okay? And so, this is the task that I
have for you at church this week. Um, I
want you to be looking around at people
in at the church that you think are new.
Okay? Find the guy that's sitting by
himself. This is the easiest way to do
it. Find the guy, particularly the
single guy that's sitting by himself and
approach him. Strike up a conversation.
Begin with this. Hey, how's it going?
Just, hey, how's it going? And then, you
know, he might look around for a second.
He's like, oh, hey, how are you doing?
Oh, I'm doing doing well. Not too bad.
Is this your first time here? Are you
new? I haven't seen you you before. I
mean, even something that simple. I know
you guys might some of you guys might be
like, Isaac, that's like level one. But
trust me, some of us, we need level one.
We need to start here because it's
scary. We're not ready to appro approach
a crowd in a social situation, but we
might be ready to appro approach just
one new person at church. And then learn
how to keep up a conversation. So much
of conversations are about thinking
about what the person is saying to you
and trying to pick out pieces that you
can be curious about. Like that's that's
pretty much conversation, guys. If
somebody mentions to you, oh yeah, last
week I was, you know, fixing up my car
and it was really challenging, but I
ended up getting through and anyway, my
week's been okay, but that was a real
challenge. Instead of just, you know,
you starting to blab about your week,
you could say, "Oh, how long have you
had that car? Oh, have you always been a
car? Are you a car guy or not so much?"
And those are the type of conversations
that are really interesting to people
and where they begin to feel known
because it's not just, you know, they
say something and you don't, you barely
acknowledge what they say, but you're
showing them that you're picking out
those pieces of really what they're
saying and digging a little bit deeper.
We can get in this mindset of being
charismatic or developing social skills
is about being loud and funny and
boisterous and being the life of the
party. But you don't need to be any of
those things. People are much more
likely to be irritated and turned off by
you if you become that person versus a
person that can really listen and be
curious about someone. Step number four,
and I hinted at that this is the most
challenging one for me, is get over your
self-pity. Some of you guys know my
story. I was raised in a Christian
homeschooled household. I did not date,
go on dates or at all and throughout my
teen years, most of my early adulthood,
um that just wasn't part of my life. And
I interacted with some women, but not
that many. And I just felt like I felt
like a victim. I felt like a victim of
my circumstance. I saw people that were
getting in relationships at early ages.
And they seemed to have like this life
that I wanted and these relationships
with these girls that I wanted, but I
didn't have those skills and I wasn't
put in that environment. And I didn't go
to public school, so I didn't have those
opportunities. And there was just a
victim mentality to it. And then there's
a hyperfocus on your shortcomings. I
remember um being like 22 years old, I
think I was. I didn't have a car. I'd
never had a car before. And for some
reason, that felt so vulnerable to me.
Like that felt so embarrassing that I'd
never had a car. The truth was I had
enough money for a car, but I was saving
up for bigger things. I didn't really
need a car at that point, but I still
felt super embarrassed. And there would
be times that I would reference to other
people um even on dates with people that
I didn't have a car because I was
expecting them to reject me. I was
expecting them to have some sort of
visceral reaction to that. But the thing
was our shortcomings are so much bigger
in our eyes than other people. But when
we focus on them, when we verbalize
them, when we talk about them, then all
of a sudden, yeah, they're like, "Okay,
I guess this is a big thing for you."
even though it's not a big thing for
them, it's like talking about your
height. And look, the truth is we all
have shortcomings. We all have things
about ourselves that we wish we could
change or circumstances or traits. And
some of those things we can work on and
some of those things we just can't
change. But are we going to sit in this
place of self-pity feeling sorry for
ourselves? Or are we going to choose to
snap out of it to stop focusing so much
on these things that look, the average
person that we interact with isn't
focusing on because they're thinking
about their own stuff, too. And that
leads me right into step five here.
Develop real confidence. Develop real
confidence. This can sound pretty um
lofty for guys that just don't feel like
they've ever had a lot of confidence.
They've always felt like their
self-esteem was pretty low. And uh the
idea of developing real confidence is
like how do you even go about that?
Well, what I found is that there's a lot
of guys that portray themselves as being
really confident. And I think for us
more timid, meek guys, we see those guys
and we think, "Wow, how do we become
like them like I guess they're just born
that way." The thing is they are
boastful and they're loud. They're
boastful and loud. That's those are tend
to be the characteristics. I don't know
if you guys have played, you know, many
sports, but in sports this tends to be
the formula. This is um confidence that
needs that is fueled on attention and
selfdeception. So attention meaning that
I need other people to pay attention to
me for me to think that I'm cool, that
I'm awesome, so that I'm constantly
drawing that attention on myself. And
then there's selfdeception. There's some
part of them that they really do think
they're unbelievably awesome and they're
amazing and they're so so talented and
all that. Okay? I don't want either of
those things for you. I don't want you
to need to feed off people's attention
and I don't want you to be selfdeceived.
So how do you actually develop real
confidence? You need to replace these
things. It's not about being boastful
and loud. It's about security and
significance. Security and significance.
This is what we're all looking for. Some
people find this security and
significance in other people. Developing
real confidence is about finding our
security and significance in God. Our
security knowing that he loves us, that
he cares for us, that there's nothing
that we can do that will separate us
from his love in Christ Jesus as it says
in the Bible. And then our significance
knowing that we matter like we mean
something. That it's not about just like
how much attention we can get. Oh,
that's when I'll matter. You know, this
fame or popularity or whatever that is,
but rather in God's eyes, I matter. I'm
created in his image. So finding that
security and significance in him is a
process. I'm not going to say that you
can develop this type of confidence
overnight. When you have self-
condemning, self-tering down thoughts,
how can you reframe it? It's not as the
kind of the world does and when they
have a fake confidence, it's no, I'm
actually awesome. Oh, no, I'm actually
cool. Or look how many people like me.
I'll just get another dopamine hit of
people's affection and then I'll be
good. It's no, Isaac, God loves me. God
approves of me. I have significance in
God's eyes and his opinion is what
matters the most. But then there's
another piece to it. I believe that by
taking risks, failing, succeeding, doing
new things, having new experiences,
those are fundamental pieces of building
real confidence. But we don't take those
steps. We don't take those risks unless
there's an underlying security. And so
for some of us guys, we we might be a
little bit more fearful. We might be a
little bit more anxious, and we're less
likely to take those steps into risk.
The thing is, we need to be secure in
God, in our confidence in him, to humble
us, to be willing to be humbled. I'm not
a car guy, okay? There's there's nothing
about me that's a car guy. My dad didn't
grow up working on cars. So, I've just
been and like I said, I didn't have a
car till I was 22. And yet, more
recently in my marriage, I've been
forced, you know, by my own valition,
too, because I didn't want to take it to
the shop and spend all the money to do
some things for my car. It's been
intimidating. It's been scary, honestly.
And I've always didn't want to do stuff
like that because I didn't want to be
embarrassed. I didn't want to take a
risk and then be seen to be lacking, to
be in inadequate or to fail in some way.
The piece that I learned was Isaac, you
need to be willing to allow yourself to
be humbled, to make a mistake, to fail.
And then at the end of the day, you need
to disconnect your identity from your
performance. You know, if it's all about
how much I perform, that's how you know
who I am. Then, yeah, it's pretty scary.
If I fail, but if I can disconnect my
identity with my performance and connect
my identity to who God says I am, into
that security and significance that we
were talking about, then taking a risk,
taking a step out, trying something new,
it's not as scary. I'm not going to tell
you guys that's an overnight process.
that is about taking little steps but
trusting that I can have that security
and significance in God's love and who
he sees me to be regardless of how I
fail or whether I succeed. Genuinely, I
I hope this was helpful for you. I'd
love to hear from you guys in the
comments down below which one of these
you're looking to focus on in your
single years right now. Thanks for your
trust and time as always.