How To Overcome The Toughest Moment Of Your Life - Ashley Cain

you wish for so many things don't you you think I want that house I want that car I love to go on that holiday I wish I could lose weight I want to look good I want that woman I want that man imagine that your only wish in the world wasn't anymore that you want your baby to live but when your baby dies you want to in your arms and you want it to be peaceful imagine that's the one thing that you're wishing for in this world that's all I could hope for that was my New Hope actually Kane welcome to the show thank you for having me the last time that we were together in person was tptp Palace VIP in Newcastle a very long time ago you joking last time that we were together wow a lot of things have changed over the last few years when we first became friends you were coming out the back of doing reality TV to next on the beach uh you were starting businesses and doing a bunch of other things we haven't caught up since then what's happened with life I'd say the Ashley Kane that you know has disappeared vanished evaporated um what's happened with life life I'd say that I've probably gone through the most traumatic experience that I believe that a human being could you know always thought I was living the life before I thought for a guy in his 20s it didn't get much better until I had my beautiful daughter Zia when I had that little girl she made me understand what life truly was the crazy thing about it was you know two months into becoming a daddy something I always wanted to be something I look forward to something that actually made my life Feel Complete for once uh I found out my daughter I've been diagnosed with AML leukemia finding out that the most beautiful thing you've ever created the most precious and valuable thing to you has got a life-threatening illness not just a lifethreatening Illness but one of the most rare and aggressive forms of cancer known especially in a child that young it's something that not only breaks your heart but feels like it takes your soul away I didn't really know what to do at that point you know I feel like I felt quite ashamed when I found out that my daughter got diagnosed why well I'll paint a picture we went to hospital you know she got rushed into Hospital in an ambulance we suspected there wasn't something right you know um from probably two weeks into her being born she had like stuffy notes um it was like cold flu symptoms but it was during covid you know so you couldn't just go to the doctors um the doctors said it'd be cold or flu you know get um one of those things that you P up a baby's nose and suck the snut out my grandma from the Caribbean wouldn't allow that she said you know put your mouth under and suck it out yourself um so that's what what I did it didn't seem to to budge then we found out that a stomach was getting quite hard bloated we thought it could be constipation or colic that's what the doctor said so we went with the doctors you know but there's something about um a parents instincts that that tells you when your child isn't right then one morning my partner at the time Sophia she found um a raised lump on aelia's stomach it was like a bruise when we told the doctors about that they kind of insisted that she needs to go to hospital we rang 111 they sent an ambulance out straight away so when we got to hospital at the time um you know she was having blood tests which any parent will tell you when their baby has have blood test is not nice you thinking that's kind of the worst it's going to get but I I felt and I suspected that there wasn't something right um when we were waiting for the news it was crazy but something in my head told me to stand up even though I knew that I was going to get told something me standing up would give me a sign that I knew how bad it was before they had to open their mouths because I knew if it was bad news it' tell me to sit down so I stood up and I waited and I waited and when this team of doctors came in the first thing they told me to do was sit down take a seat then they told me that aadia had AMR leukemia it was very aggressive she had a white s count of 200 at 8 months old yeah um and at that point I went into a State of Shock you know I was upset if I like the world went into slow motion had no gauge of kind of I had no spatial awareness I had no gauge of what was really in front of me what wasn't a reality if you would say that's what the embarrassing part was you know I didn't know how to take it then my life changed you know from then on from then hearing that we got rra to Birmingham Children's Hospital where we didn't go home we didn't go home to get clothes we didn't go home to pack anything we went straight to Birmingham Children's Hospital during covid as a went straight into um intensive care they didn't think she'd make it through the next day two days um I was in a room probably quarter third of the size of this I was sleeping on a space on the floor probably about this white um wasn't allow to go outside to the shops wasn't out to see family friends because it was Co and that's when my journey in life really started what was your partner's response like when she found out she went straight to my daughter's side mother's instinct protect your baby do you know the the crazy thing about it was the initial response for me is I crumbled my partner straight away was by my daughter and when we were in the hospital for the first day something clicked in me something clicked to me it was like that first night lasted a year it was like I was in a Cell for a year with time to think I was thinking of all the things that I could do to try and take this illness away and no matter how many times I thought and how many times it replayed it came to the same conclusion I couldn't take my daughter's illness away I couldn't swap positions the only thing that I and my partner could do was control the environment in which my daughter was in and if that was the only thing that I and my partner could do I was going to make sure that we did it to the best of our ability I know that babies are sensory beings you know my daughter might not have understood what what we were saying but but she could definitely pick up on the environment that we created for us so I I pulled safia to the side you know she was struggling at that point as was I and I said saf this room is Club 100 I said when we step over this line I said our baby will not see us cry our baby will not see us upset our baby will only see Smiles happiness high energy and feel a sense of belief while we are here is there no cure fix respite was there even a not. not not not 1% chance of survival or is it completely terminal so at that point you know there was hope they they didn't they didn't see a case of of cancer like that and a baby so young it doesn't usually happen you know for the the initial plan was um four cycles of chemotherapy so you know you do cycle one you're in hospital so say a week cycle of chemotherapy you're in hospital for another two weeks to 3 weeks then you get a couple of days at home before you repeat cycle 2 cycle 3 the thing it was with isia is she was very young the chemotherapy treatments are very harsh you know um so they they didn't know how she would get on with them the true fighter and Warrior she was she absolutely smashed round one no side effects she went into round two and the the cancer would come back very early so it was apparent after round two that you know this normal cycle of four rounds wouldn't work and that she would need a stem cell transplant um we found out at that point as well that you know I'm half Sim Vincent and Grenadines so half Vincy half English my partner is half Burmese half English so my daughter had quite a rare match which they told us at the time would be hard to find a stem cell donor there was lots of obstacles on this journey but you know one thing remained and that was hope and that was belief the crazy thing was you know when I heard that it was you know going to be hard to find a match I contacted Anthony Nolan dkms straight away to create an Outreach campaign to get as many donors as possible to register in the Hope what I didn't understand was how much support we had and we had 880,000 people in one weekend registered to be a donor for my daughter probably north of a quarter of a million within a week and um the special thing about that was that you know not only were people reaching out to be a Al's donor but once is Alia found a donor there'd be over a quar of a million people in that month that would go on to help other people and that are helping other people now you know the crazy thing was about that whole journey is I made a stand you know on the first day that I would be strong for my daughter you know I'd be positive for my daughter I'd keep hope faith and belief and I would not let her see me sad she would only see Daddy smiling because I thought I had to be strong for her what turned out and what what was apparent very quickly when she was that strong she was that brave she radiated that much love that she fueled not only me and my partner and my family but hundreds of thousands if not millions of people around the world at that time during a global pandemic she was incredible she was special you've said that you're being purposefully strong you don't want to step into the ward where your daughter's being kept and show weakness but what happens when you're away from her what happens when she's asleep what happens when you do go home to get clothes what's life like for you what's the inside of the texture of your mind like during this time when you're not with her you get scared you know one thing I try and like explain to people about life at the minute you know when it gets tough I kind of fire back with imagine fearing every second of every single day that the next minute that comes along might be the last minute that you see your daughter breathing that she's alive imagine going to bed at night and not knowing that when you wake up in the morning if your daughter's still going to be breathing or not over and over and over again that's hard you know I am I had to sleep in the hospital I had to sleep there I got so scared in the night time I got so scared in the nighttime that I had to be there in the hospital at night because I didn't trust the night time I didn't trust it I always feared that something would happen in the night so I had to be there that meant that I didn't really sleep which is probably why I don't have to sleep that much now you had observations at observations sorry every 20 30 minutes you got beep beep beep nurses coming in nap his knee changing I'm staring at that bed staring at it making sure is okay and subsequently you know the most beautiful time I used to feel was in the morning and it was crazy I used to open my eyes and wake up yeah and I used to look to the right and my daughter would already be looking at me and as soon as I'd open my eyes she'd have the biggest smile on her face and I used to open the blinds I used to put my music on straight away I used to get her changed and we start dancing and I used to hold in my arms all day and dance because I was grateful for another opportunity to spend with her I didn't have like had probably two channels on the TV you can imagine what them channels were I didn't have hardly any reception on my phone I wasn't allowed to go to the shops I wasn't allowed to see family I wasn't allowed to see friends but I had something worth more than absolutely anything and during the most painful and Trauma atic time in my life I had the most beautiful time of my life which will never ever leave me which I will always look look back to and appreciate and hold on to and be grateful for how long does this go on for so month three that were in the hospital was when is already had a stem cell stem cell transplant again you know they thought she wouldn't make it through it's quite a big procedure you would think that you know stem cell transplant I thought you know you go to this big room there's a lot of machines there's electronic arms all this Tech but she just laying her laying her Hospital in her bed sorry and um they just put the new stem cils into a via a central line and a chest and that was done then it was a waiting game um they thought it'd probably be you know 2 to 3 months before she' ful graft 3 weeks done no side effects we thought that that was going to be the the end of the line effectively we were prepared to go home you know uh I mean the nurses did a stad of job and and so did we his parents I mean that room was kept Immaculate AIA was kept Immaculate if that meant she had to have a nappy changed every 10 minutes that's what we did so after she engrafted you know we stayed in hospital for another period of time and then you know we thought that she was going to be in remission we thought we were going to be out patient and we thought we'd be coming into ring the bar so we went home for a couple of days no we went home for a week while she had uh her Lumber puncher done that was to test if there was any remaining leukemia or it'd come back it seemed to be fine so we got called into hospital that day to go in and ring the bell imagine this has been like four month no five months four or five months of being in hospital you know fearing the worst and then we're going in to finally ring the bell this is a great point for me because you know when I had a daughter I kind of got myself to a position with work that I was going to be like a full-time daddy effectively you know they say like a momer I was going to be a dader you know I was going to be there I was planning my life for my little girl she was my everything and it felt like this was the start and this is where you know my journey was going to lead to my daughter now I was even planning on you know telling her you're asking her what she would like to do when she's at school you know what would you like to do if you didn't have to go school today day and her telling me and we going to the school making up an excuse while she's got to G home and telling her not to tell her mom so we went in to ring the bell and um just as she had her checkups done the nurse is LIN the corridor and the doctors ready to clap and uh our main oncologist came in and said we got some bad news um is's relapsed but she's relapsed in the terrible way and the Cancer's come back very aggressive and she's got the tubens have come back in her stomach her lungs her spleen her kidneys and we don't really know what to do at this point uh sorry at this point um I had to kind of gather the stuff and I had to say that you know that's not good enough for me I said my little girl is my entire world I said I'd Die For her I said I would do anything for her to be dishonest and that means that I am not taking no for an answer I I am not taking that you don't know what to do I am not taking the fact that you want us to go home she has fought for too long and she's fought far too hard and we have fought for too long and we have fought far too hard for this to be the end and that was a point where we started to look for treatment abroad you know we were looking for CTI therapy which is targeted chemotherapy which you know doesn't obliterate the body but it targets certain te- cells to remove um the leukemia we found out that in there was two places in America that did it but they didn't treat children under two years of two years of age um there was a place in China but they weren't letting anybody in due to co so we found one last place which was Singapore um this treatment was going to cost north of a million £500,000 initial deposit £500,000 to see the treatment through and then obviously you have the time in hospital to Monitor and test or if you have to go for another round again so you're looking at far north through a [Music] million it wasn't like I was poor but I didn't have a million pound you know um so we we decided that you know that's what we're going to do we spoke to the hospital we you know sent samples and then it was a point of starting to go funme which we did um I think the GoFundMe campaign actually raised a million pound within about 5 hours which was incredible I think that that goes to show of how much of effect aelia had on the world and how incredible people actually are you know social media can be seen as such a cynical place but the whole time during our journey in hospital it was a reminder of me of how beautiful the people are in this world as well um so we raised the money which is absolutely incredible and like every stage of this journey every moment that seems like it's going to be so happy was followed by a bank the day after we raised the money the do and the oncologist came in to say that they now found tumors on a Z's brain which would mean that she can't travel which also meant that she was too young to have targeted radiotherapy which also meant that if they wanted to do a lumber puncher for chemotherapy into a spinal cord they couldn't because it would risk one the tumors of rupture which meant that um had to go home now you think that finding out your daughter's got a rare and aggressive form of cancer hard you think that 6 months in a hospital room fearing that you're going to lose your daughter every minute of every day would be hard wouldn't you you think that hearing your daughter had relapsed after the hopes of taking her home would be hard when they tell you that you've got to take you daughter home for her to pass away because there's nothing else they can do that's when stuff gets really hard because I was effectively taking my daughter home to die I didn't know how she was going to die I didn't know if she was going to be in pain I didn't know if it was going to be today tomorrow or a week's time but I knew that my daughter was going to die at home that's hard that's when everything started to get really dark up until this point you've been able to try and have some sort of change have input in some way hope that it appreciation of what's in front of you and hope that's all I had that was enough that was more than enough I didn't realize how much and how important that was until I didn't have it anymore you know I can't really explain the feeling but imagine imagine these lights in this room they just go off in your whole world looks like this dark gray tone that's how I was seeing things that's not an analogy of how things were when they told me I had to take my daughter home my whole body went heavy it felt like I was carrying a rook sack with 30 with 50 kilos in it and that's how I was walking around I felt like I couldn't see see colors I felt like things were moving slow really slow and my body my head and my heart felt constant pain constant pain you wish for so many things don't you you think I want that house I want that car I love to go on that holiday I wish I could lose weight I want to look good I want that woman I want that man whatever the case may be imagine that your only wish in the world wasn't anymore that you want your baby to live but when your baby dies you want her in your arms and you want it to be peaceful imagine that's the one thing that you're wishing for in this world that's all I could hope for that was my new hope it got to the point where when aadia was crying the tears with blood that's scary that's scary but they thought when iselia was at home she probably last 2 days talk about 3 weeks typical she was a fighter she was a warrior she was a lion she was she always defied the odds and one thing I'll always be thankful to her for was there was one night in particular and when we started going home that's when you could really see the illness physically it sounds crazy doesn't it she's got you know and NG tube she's got two Central lines going in the chest but you couldn't see a poly baby Zia was that beautiful that strong that full of life apart from the wires she looked like healthy baby but when we take her when we took her home sorry that was when you could see the evidence of the cancer really having an effect and it was one night in particular where I didn't think she was going to wake up in the morning and I remember I went to bed with sopia and aelia between us and eyes opened in the morning but as her eyes opened her breathing became labored and I knew I knew that that or that this was going to be the final morning at that point we didn't need to put any monitors on her because we knew that no matter how much we monitor her or what assistance we call this was it so the only thing we made sure we did as parents was make sure that Z was rested in our arms and I just remember 1 2 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 and she didn't Breathe Again you know when you say uh the last time you seen me in top top what's going on whole heap of [ __ ] M and it's been hard it's been hard you could have locked me in the s for the rest of my life you could have tortured me you could have asked me to put a knife in my neck right now from here to here and cut it you could to talk my mom my dad my family do not take my daughter you [Music] know and that's where I've been that's what I've about to go through that's the the trauma that I'm still you know battling with on a day-to-day basis now replays in my mind I relive it and it's tough mate it's tough what does this do to your relationship with your partner that's interesting it's a question I wouldn't usually answer I tell you what it all starts off with being in hospital yeah so effectively for 4 month no 6 months of our relationship I'd be in the hospital room she'd be in the hotel room across the road you know we'd spend half the day there each and we'd walk down we'd walk across hello how are you I'm upset it's hard how's it Z yeah she's doing well today she's not doing well today okay that's how it was we were United in the fact that we're both trying to be strong for each other and in doing so we were strong for AIA when we lost his area it's difficult and I'll tell you what it's difficult because you build a relationship while enjoy enjoying each other's company right you're intrigued in that person you are excited about what holiday you're going to go on what things you can do you have interesting fun conversations you probably you know get a lot of time to enjoy sexual relations all of these things that build a strong healthy relationship you know I seen my partner for 5 minutes well 1 minute a day for 6 months when our daughter passed away we didn't want to go for food we didn't want to think about what holiday we were going on at the end of the year we weren't interested in experimenting in the bedroom we were suffering extreme trauma now I knew what path I needed to go on you know and I knew that no matter what I had to fulfill it you know and the thing is and the only thing that I can say is the crazy thing about M and safia's relationship is even though we are no longer together we have more Unity loyalty respect and commitment to each other now than we ever did before because of the love for our daughter because of the need to evoke positive change in fighting cancering children and because of the fact that we want to honor our daughter's time here and her Legacy and for me we didn't split up because I wanted to find another partner we didn't split up because she wanted to find another partner we didn't split up because we didn't love each other anymore we didn't split up because we didn't support each other or because we weren't there for each other I guess trying to fulfill a relationship with that much trauma becomes difficult but where that became difficult we've stood by each other we've never left each other's side I will love her until the day I die she dies because she gave me the most Incredible Gift Anyone on this Earth could have given me I care about her I respect her and I would always be there for her and I believe she would always be there for me but I think it damaged things and I don't think it only only damage things for us in our relationship but I think it's left permanent damage for me to even think of getting in a relationship going forward have you tried to have another relationship since her no I haven't got the time doesn't really it doesn't really bother me that's a genuine truth sounds crazy knowing me all them years ago and what I was like I was a force of nature back then but it's not something that I think about on a day-to-day basis it's not something that I look to the Future and think that's what I want it's definitely something that I can't I'm not ignorant and naive enough to say that it wouldn't happen but it's definitely not in my sights at the minute let's put it that way do you not get lonely no no why well number one if I'm just going to be normal I've got an Incredible family something that I thank God for every single morning incredible beautiful family number two Soph did in my life you know but the main reason is because I'm aware of my mission and I'm super focused laser focused on it and I'm kind of aware that nobody is as passionate as me on my specific Mission as I am I'm aware that you can't have somebody hold your hand through your whole journey while you're chasing it I'm aware that sometimes you need to spearhead something in order to pave the way for it to get done I'm aware that you know I am 7 days a week I am 18 hours a day I sleep 5 hours a night maximum if that all of these things are lonely things and I'm fine with that so it doesn't really play a part in my life worrying about that aspect of it right now you're focused on doing things which we'll get on to after aelia passes away do you immediately get galvanized into action or do you have to go through darker moments before that should I tell you what was a life-changing moment for me having to write my daughter's udy it was something and it was one of the rad daugh eulogy was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do number one because what father expects to speak at his daughter's funeral you know it's in be thinking about you can't even comprehend it can you you know so I was trying to write and trying to create a a masterpiece that could honor and commemorate my daughter while going through so much trauma that's hard it was also hard because I thought that no matter how beautiful my words are how powerful they are how much pain is in them it will never truly be out to reflect how amazing that she was so I knew that I had to really dig deep in that moment and reflect so I could write something and not only write it but I have the courage to stand up and speak it on her day in writing my daughter's udig I realized the person that I wanted to be and that I needed to be I realized about all the things that I wanted to do going forward and that I needed to do going forward and it made me understand what I was going to take and that's why I don't think there's much compromise in my life now I said that you know that my life for my daughter was you know compressed to a room in the hospital I'm a God-fearing man so I now believe that my daughter's in heaven and I believe she's watching down on me if that is the case I said I want to take her all around the world with nothing but Daddy power to the top of Every Mountain to the bottom of every Valley along every road across every I said I'll take it there and that was a life-changing moment for me but I can't lie you know I found drink you know when she passed away I would drink whiskey and I drink more whiskey and I drink more whiskey and you know I think at first I thought it was going to numb the pain if anything it made me more emotional I thought that maybe if I would drink I could give my mind a rest because all it felt was uncontrollable painful trauma that just infested and riddled my body and my mind and eventually I was just drinking just to knock myself out I would drink to the point where I was knocked out just as a way to sleep and I remember something happened you know I woke up one morning and I felt upset I thought if this is the man that my daughter is looking down on as her daddy I feel [ __ ] ashamed I feel embarrassed so then I decided to get the [ __ ] up and start honoring my promise that I made to her that day and I made to myself and um i't look back what was the darkest moment that you went through personally it depends there you talking about personally in terms of you know them telling me I've got to take my daughter home he talking about personally like count my daughter's last best in my arms are you talking personally you know since her passing there's so many moments that were to that Tau me to literally the pits of how a human being can feel that when you're at the bottom it's hard to quantify which one's worse and which one's not a lot of people would have tried to exit a lot of people would have maybe considered taking their own life were you ever tempted to do that yeah it's um it's hard to find a reason to want to be here when you feel like everything that you ever dreamed of in a little ball that was called AIA has been ripped away from you you know I couldn't think of anything worse than losing a child and for the minute I wake up in the morning I turn around and I see a picture of her that's traumatic for the moment I open my eyes at the you know at the start of the evening I go down to my daughter's resting place to say good night and say my prayers and that's how I was see my daughter every single day that's traumatic to look down and realize that she's in the ground you know and there was a specific point where I he was he was after I ran a marathon you know that year i' done the 1,100 M cycle from L into J gr i' done the Three Peaks and cycle 700 miles in between I've done 109 mile Ultram Marathon I've done five marathons in five days in five different cities in five different countries then I cycled 1,800 miles from London to Paris to to Geneva to Rome then I got back and a couple of days later I ran the marathon and that was like the end of that year I had a couple days off [ __ ] me was that a bad idea I sat and I thought no matter how much I do for other people I will never ever get what I want at the end of it all these miles I run all these miles I cycle all these occasions I give up like Christmas I give up my Christmas period I feel like after I've done all that in the hope that you know something's going to happen I sit there at the end and I'm still empty-handed so I remember waking up one morning and I just supposed to sat in my hotel room for hours and um it was time to go home and I thought I don't want to go home so I checked out the hotel and I walked and I walked and I walked and I walked it was near the docks can remember it to a point where there was nobody around you know no people no traffic just me and a bridge and um I stood there for a second and I just thought of my mom and I thought you know before I do what I'm going to do I need to message my mom I remember writing this message thanking my mom for everything telling her how much of a beautiful person that she is how I couldn't have got to the point where I've got to now after what I've been through without her and that I love her more than anything in this world and then I put my phone on my bag and I climbed up onto the wall and I stood there for a couple of seconds just taking in the air and what I was about to do I'll tell you something now I ain't scared of dying I'm not and it wasn't an emotional decision to jump I just felt like I'd had enough in the next minute I've hit the deck on my back not that way but this way and I looked up and there was like six Riot police I HED up everything and I remember getting up yeah and I looked around and in my head it was weird it was crazy and I remember just scrapping and I'm scrapping these police but these are big dudes they're like Riot band police all all the gear on yeah and we're throwing hands I'm scrapping but as I'm scrapping officers they're crying imagine this imagine that imagine I'm on a bridge one minute ready to jump that way next I'm on my back and the next minute I'm in a melee with Riot police that are crying yeah eventually you know we were calm got my cuffs on you know I'm in the back of the van I'm still a bit out of sorts with the whole thing I can't believe that I'm in a van and you know not on the floor the other side of the drop and one of the police officers goes to get in the the back of the van with me and the other police officer said no you can't he's too volatile you know he's dangerous and the guy went no I got to get in and his police officer was in tears and he's saying I know who you are you inspire me you've done so much for this world that you can't do this and he told me his name his name is Jesus imagine that imagine that I'm a God-fearing man you know I believe I pray that's what gives me hope and this police officer that pulled me down his name is Jesus and from that moment on you know that never became a part of my life anymore after that moment it was very humbling it was another embarrassing moment because one thing that I choose to do with my life is is I don't want to hide anything I don't want there to be no skeletons in my closet I don't want to feel like people are talking about me or know things about me that I haven't said myself I believe in order to be able to move on from something or with something first you need to accept that something and acknowledge that something and then you have the ability to carry it forward so I had to go home and I had to tell you know my family and my friends what just happened what was that conversation like personally it was embarrassing I felt ashamed for so many different reasons because up to this point everybody knew how much pain I was in everybody knew how much I miss my daughter but everybody also knew how strong I was you're doing these Thousand Mile rides you're running the marathons you're the guy that's doing the things well I was a beacon of strength not only for you know people that follow me but for my family you know because I was strong everybody became strong everybody looked to me for strength everybody came around me for strength for Hope for belief and i' just done that it was painful because you know the realization for me that I nearly out of my own choice put my mom through a feeling that I'm going through now is bad did she see the message before you got home to talk to her yeah but not in that message that I say that I was standing on the bridge did you think that there was something wrong probably yeah you know it was a difficult moment for everybody around me at that point and you know what's also very difficult it's earning that trust that respect back not in terms of you know people loving you because they they might Always Love You earning that trust and the respect back that people aren't scared every time you walk out the door that's difficult as a man do you think that they're still worried about you I think I think more so at the minute well listen I'm very emotionally intelligent yeah I understand things I'm also very honest and transparent so I think the people around me have a clear understanding of how I'm feeling a lot of the time and especially as more things happen or I complete more challenges or I experience more new emotions I find ways to speak about them I find ways to explain them I find ways to you know deliver them to people around me for me number one to get the weight off my shoulders but also to help other people to not feel like they're alone maybe they feel like that you know so I like to think now that they don't worry about the aspect ector of things because I think I've proved a lot since that day I've achieved a lot since that day I've spoke a lot since that day and that day made me realize something that that wasn't a way sometimes on this journey a lot of things are confusing Chris you know a lot of like like a lot of the time in my life after that event happened I was confused about a lot of things the world wasn't the same imagine a lot of people yeah a lot of people that go they go oh God that weeks flew by that Year's gone so quick I feel every second of every single day my time is is like this now and I spend a lot of time inside my own head I spend a lot of time self analyzing situations feelings emotions I work out you know what makes me feel a certain way I work out the best way to combat that I find out you know ways of increasing my mental strength I'm like this all the time and I also speak to a lot of different people as well so I kind of try and work myself out based on experiences um I remember after that moment again because I thought I can't believe I nearly did that you know I can't believe I nearly put my mom through the same pain that I'm going through because I was sure you know after that moment and after the signs of why it didn't happen that I needed to be here that I do have a purpose I thought you know what Ash yeah what are you what are you most scared of in this world now and I'm not scared about much you know I'm not I'm not scared SC of dying it doesn't fase me you know I thought I'm scared of heights though I don't like heights I thought I suffer from vertigo when I get high if I put my hand over a balcony like that I feel like I'm going to drop my phone everything gets weird so I thought all right then as you want to jump you jump properly so a week after I nearly took my own life I went abroad and I got my skydiving license and I jumped 20 times in a week out of a plane at my most vulnerable stage of my life mentally I went and did something which would challenge me more than anything else I could ever think of doing and it was one of the best things I ever did again very humbling but again it show me the growth and the importance of stepping outside your comfort zone and the power that comes along with it why are you doing all of this stuff now why are you running all of these races you explained to me about your daily routine of a lunch which puts David gogins for a bit of a run as well all of these extreme events the things that you're putting your body through the lack of sleep the daily routine why who's the person that you care about the most in this world name me one my mom yeah so someone came and took your mom and put on a cloud in the sky and the only way that you could see her again is if you built a tower high enough to be able to bring her back down or to be with her again would you wake up tomorrow and wonder why you or would you get build in I believe wow I hope that there is a heaven I believe that if there is my daughter is there and I love her that much that the hope of Heaven and the hope of her being there motivates me to be as good a person as I can be and Achieve as much in this world to help others and to make her proud that in the end I hope that I've built enough steps to see her again I hope and my drive purely is that when I'm on my deathbed I can have 5 Seconds Of Peace before I take my last breaths knowing that I've done enough on this Earth that they open the gates of Heaven for me when it's when reach there and that's genuinely the truth are you concerned that some of the events that the approach that you're taking raising money you have a foundation you are wearing orange and cycling around the world doing stuff stand up paddle boarding canoeing whatever it might be are you concerned that that might be causing you to not cope to not be able to integrate the emotions that you're going through that rather than just using it for good it's also you being able to run away from facing more of those demons I love it when people ask me that or tell me that or think that might be the case it's very interesting I would say to anybody that asks me that knows nothing about losing a child and knows nothing about the reason why would choose to do this I have never ever run away from the pain of losing a child I immerse myself in it I never want the pain of losing my daughters to go away because that pain is the only time I truly feel love I embrac that pain I use that pain to push me further and further and the reason why I challenged myself and the reason I pushed myself is because when I'm feeling this physical pain and when I have to take myself to another level to complete one of these challenges that is when I connect with her the most that's when I feel like she's truly with me that's when I feel like I can look up and say yo baby we did it again so I would say the poor opposite when you look at my life yeah I you know I'm the founder and Trustee of my daughter's Foundation that means that every day we are talking about either children that are no longer getting treatment on the NHS that we're trying to give money to we talking about new trials or new treatments that are available which we can invest money to new equipment the foundation's also got a PhD fund now which funds new talent and research coming into childood cancer I visit kids with cancer I go towards where my daughter actually was actually going back into the same room that my daughter was you know on a weekly basis I visit my daughter at a resting place every single night that I'm at home I raise money I speak to her every day I push myself to the absolute limit I not only try and create a more positive and safer space for parents as well that are going through the same thing as me but people that are actually suffering with their Mental Health I guess I'm not running away from anything I'm running directly and head on into all of my pain into all of my trauma into all of the things that are trying to hold me down and I'll run head on into it because I feel like I found a way to harness that to push me further than I would have ever gone before what would you say to anybody that's grieving now that's going through that process one of the things that we can all guarantee in life is that the people that we love some of them are going to pass away before us and we're going to have to deal with that process as somebody that spent an awfully long time sat in the saddle of a bike sat in a hospital Ward reflecting on Grief what do you wish that you'd known or what would you tell other people I'm going to try and smile when I speak about this seems like a crazy thing to say right um one thing that is certain in this world is you know everyone that's born is going to die that means that every single person on this planet is going to experience some form of grief I've never been a person to run away from those emotions you know and I never believe that you know it gets easier people always say grief gets easier I believe that the circle of grief always stays the same I just believe that we grow stronger around it I would always advise people to talk about the loved ones that they've lost I would always encourage people to settle into every single emotion that they're feeling and not try and hide it or not try and run away from it I would say to people that you know what even though your grief is painful and even though your grief hurts it can also be the most beautiful time of your life the most beautiful moments that you have left because all the pain that you're feeling now is because of beautiful memories of the person that you love and the person that you've lost I think that my grief has become a part of my life and like I say I've never tried to run away from it I've never tried to compress it I don't even wish that it's not there because I am quite happy and settled and grieving for the rest of my life because I know that I grow stronger every single day around that grief I know that within my grief is my purpose I know that within my pain is my power I know that from my struggle I found my strength and I don't think people should hide that you know one thing that I do I remember going on the run the other day yeah and is this circuit and it I went to this circuit where people run it's like a 5 Mile Loop and everyone's like a how far you running today you know 5K whatever I said I you know 30 mil like 30k and 30 miles and I went to this um this tackle shop cuz it was by Lake you know fishing and I said oh can I leave my bag to you and he said I'm about to shut up in a minute sorry and then he said um he asked if I was running and I said yeah 30 miles he goes 30 miles and I yeah and I told him a little bit about the journey and anyway I started running I was about 2 and 1 half miles in no I was about 2 miles in and I thought [ __ ] I told him I was running I told him why I was running but I didn't tell him my daughter's name and I turned back and I ran 2 miles back yeah as fast as I could just he was about to lock up and I went by the way mate you what I went my daughter's name is iselia and he went okay beautiful name and I went yeah thanks and then I went back and done my run I Ran 2 miles extra just because I had to run back and tell him my name that's because that's important to me I think it's important to also normalize you know this topic of grief we're all going to experience it so the subject shouldn't be taboo just like mental health you know grief can fall into that category people talk about anxiety people talk about depression grief falls into that and grief causes anxiety causes depression you know the root cause of the grief is trauma it all falls into mental health I think it's a part that we should talk about because I found out and one thing that I know now is when people had lost somebody before I was um I was a criminal of kind of thinking it's really awkward to be around that person don't know what to say I don't want to make them upset I don't want to offend them yeah what I find out now is those people really do want to talk about the memories they have people do really want to say the person's name of the person they lost people do want to reminisce and relive those good times but it's hard to find people around them that will allow that so not only would I say to the people that have loved them and lost that they should talk about their loved ones and not run away from it I'd also say if you want to be a good friend or a good family member be there for that person to listen to what are the events that you are focused on over the coming years so what this year or okay um so like I said in my eulogy I said to the top of Every Mountain to the bottom of every Valley along every road across every ocean I mean one of the big goals for me is it's not in the planning yet but I know I'll do it is um I want to climb the seven highest mountains in the seven continents the whole point of that is to tell my daughter I lover from the seven highest parts of this world you know but this year you know next weekend I've got 125 M kayak race which is 24 to 30 hours that should be fun but this is It's just training really for the Thousand Mile kite race I've got in July which is supposed to be the world's toughest surviving endurance race it's from Canada to the Arctic Circle to Alaska and it's completely unsupported so you kak for 18 hours a day find a place to pull in Pitch up your tent sleep for 4 hours get back on the next day you've got an hour to eat obviously the problem is with it being supported is if you're on a river that's 10 Mi wide 5 miles wide and you go in you ain't coming out if you're near the side and you're going hypothermia kicks in it'll take them two days to come and rescue you too late if you happen to pitch your tent near a bunch of grizzly bears it's game over so there's fatalities every year the guy said how many people do that I don't know how many people enter the race you don't know I I don't know literally you want to know how my life is I literally got a call um off you know one of my friends and she said that she's got a PT who's ex-military who's into kayin and he wants to go big this year and he wants to complete the Yukon 1000 he hasn't got a partner for the race and I mentioned you to him and and I said there you know you're driven you're determined you don't quit and he said he like to speedia I picked up the phone didn't know him spoke to him he said you want to do this and hundreds of things flash before me before my answer quick like that done I thought to myself you know I don't know this guy from Adam don't know if we'll get on that's a minor problem I also thought that I could go out there and not come back that's a huge possibility but I remember when I lost my daughter yeah and this goes on to this point of making this decision I'd spent you know 6 months in hospital I hadn't worked I didn't earn no money when my daughter passed it wasn't like it was the first thing I wanted to do to go go back to work and earn money that being said I was getting offered a lot of money you know I was getting offer 20,000 pound to post a picture on Instagram I said no I didn't want to promote this table cuz I wouldn't have this table I was thinking my life is that important for me going forward and I a man on the mission that if I take money to promote this table now how about when I actually have a message that I want to say to the people people ain't going to be able to take me seriously so I went into a bit of a financial crisis you know I refused to take money that wasn't good money I believe that not every bit of money that crosses this Palm is good money and I don't need to snatch and take it you know I was 7 months into quitting alcohol I was out running cycling and swimming ridiculous miles a day for nothing just because I wanted to be outside and I wanted to be my daughter you know I was doing these challenges I was RA I was working on the foundation I was raising money for these kids I was speaking to people that were suffering from their mental health I was doing all of this just for free even though I had nothing you know and I remember at that point I got down on my knees and I said to God I was like I'm I'm I'm ready you know I'm at the point now you know I can't even really put I can't put a roof over my head you know I can't can't put a roof over my head you know I'm struggling to to put food on the table to eat you know I I've gave up this money which isn't good money I've sacrificed my time for this Foundation to raise money to raise awareness I've gave up drinking I don't go out please please I'm ready and that's when the chances started coming so when I was on the official Zoom meeting to to you know pitch myself to get this race and the race organizer said like you know are you ready to to go and he told me there's going to be fatalities every year I thought if I don't say yes then what is that saying to my daughter during that talk in a uy what is that saying to God when I got down on my knees with open hands but most importantly what is that saying to myself when I'm brushing my teeth and I'm looking at the man that's looking back in the mirror before I go to bed so I said let's [ __ ] go bring it on because you know when Al is my daughter going to get to go from Canada to the Arctic Circle to Alaska he when am I going to get that chance again and I believe that you know if we go and we come back boy I'm on a whole different level I've raised awareness I've raised funds I've put my money where my mouth was it I put my money where my mouth is um and if I don't she obviously needs me back and that's good enough for me what's the message that you want people to take away beyond your love for your daughter beyond your relationship with that and that grief God there is so many messages within it number one you know I would always say to people you know in this world if you ask they say if you ask a healthy man you know what he wants you know he'll talk about cars he'll talk about houses He he'll talk about women he'll talk about all of these things is if you ask an unhealthy man or a sick man what he wants he'll say one thing and that's Health you know one of my strongest messages to people is appreciate what you have right in front of you you know I'm living a life now where the only one thing that I want in this world has been snatched away from me but having said that when she was here in in front of me in that hospital room I loved and appreciated every single second and I loved and appreciated that moment so much that that will fill my heart for the rest of my life so I would always say to people appreciate what you have right in front of you I would also like to say that you know no matter what you are going through in life how sad you are how much pain you're feeling the trauma that you're going through you are strong enough to see another day and it's not about being 100% every single day it's about just showing up that's what I do no matter what the odds no matter how I'm feeling I show up every single day and by showing up every single day and doing what I do I believe it gives me more than happiness I think happiness is rubbish I don't think there's no such thing as happiness I believe we have happy moments I believe we have happy memories and I believe we have happy places I don't believe there's any such thing as happiness because there's so many things in this world on a day-to-day basis that want to go bang and take the wind out of your sales but what I choose to do is rather than looking out for temporary forms of validation or things that I can get to make me happy I've become competent in doing what's necessary so the fact that no matter what is up against me I believe that not only can I do it or have the courage to do it I have the strength to see it through and then afterwards I build selfworth I be build self-belief I have fulfillment which I believe far outweighs happiness I think that most of people's mental health issues or a lot of people's mental health issues sorry these days is because they have no self-worth I believe they have no self-confidence especially men I believe that they're they're looking for Saturday night going out to pick up a drink and try and find a woman to make them feel happy rather than turning up every single day one thing that changed about my life is I start every day the same I wake up every single morning that drunken man that was ashamed of himself is his daugh watched down from heaven and what I choose to do is earn my respect every single day and for me from other people that might look as being very intense for me it works because I go to bed every single evening and I look in the mirror and I just think you know what you did all right today what's a typical day look like for you typical day okay so say yesterday so yesterday I got up at 5:00 a.m. cuz I had to travel back from another city um I got back about 6 and then I didn't have time to have breakfast because my two running Partners wanted to go out on a run so I stopped up at a petrol station got a flapjack and we had a 20 mile run um I finished the 20 my run and then I had to go and do my strength and conditioning session because I need to look after my body so it's not lifting weights it's just working on all those little shitty areas to stop me getting injuries so I done an hour snc there um then I did an hour of stretching and Mobility because I needed to recover then I went back home and I did 2 3 hours of meetings in terms of the foundation in terms of my new book that I have coming out in terms of a new show that I have to go on then I did an hour on the kayak UG and then I went and swam 1,000 M and then I got back and I carried on work what time was up until I think I went to sleep probably about 12:00 then I got up at 5:00 a.m. to travel to get my session in before I traveled here today to do this I my my day is blend into so many different projects it's like I've got a a game for my this this is how varied it could be I've got you know a new TV show that's out at the minute exploring the different faces of grief so there's a lot of work with that um I've got a new show that's been out on BBC then another show that I've got that that I'm going to be in very soon I've got my book coming out I've got about four or five hours a day of training that I need to do I've got a game that's commemorating my daughter's life and you know that's going to be for a 2-year anniversary on the 5th of May at CBS Arena where I used to be a pro footballer there's just so many different things on a day-to-day basis that I feel like I speak to about you know I speak to about 30 to 50 people a day I try and compile in my training I try and compile in my recovery and if I have time you know I get a little bit of food in between that and then you know I I sleep truthfully 4 to 5 hours a night before I'm up the next day out of bed and ready to go again um like I say for me the sleep thing isn't the sleep thing isn't like because I'm trying to I'm setting my alarm and I'm getting up that's what time I get up in fact it was even early this morning it's probably about 20 4 I just get up it's not cuz I want to I'd love to be a to sleep more I don't then when I'm up I always tell my management I say like if if I haven't got anything in the hour B me something in you know if it's Tuesday and you feel like Tuesday might be my day off fill it up I don't want the time I hate the time I never think about I'm going to book a nice holiday I never think about you know I want to go for food this weekend you got a lovely trip coming away up to the Arctic so again you a lovely trip coming your way up to the ark that is holiday exactly that and I think you know it's all just stages I I'm not I will say this I you know number one I wouldn't claim to be you know a mental health expert I wouldn't also claim to be the best marathon runner or ultra marathon runner I wouldn't say oh I've raised the most money for charity you know I don't try and pretend that I'm the toughest man in this world or I don't try and make the most money what I try and do is I try and do what I feel is right for me every single day and I just speak honest open and transparent about that and hope that you know me speaking and my openness can help as many people on their Journeys as well you've mentioned that you're not dating at the moment yeah that's not something that you're fussed with have you ever considered whether you'd have another child it's um it's a difficult one like I've said to you before about the dating thing it's not it's not like I'm going to be naive and say say I'm never going to have another kid I don't know at the minute I finally thought of it hard for a few different reasons I'm a very loving person I've got a massive heart you know I have love and I have respect for every single person that I meet on a day-to-day basis but if you're my family or you're my baby my love is is uncontainable now for that reason I think it would be hard for me to think of having another child at the minute and the reason is they say that you know you don't know how much you love something until it's gone or you don't know how much you going to miss something until it's gone yeah imagine that but you're fearing you're going to lose that something every second of every single day I was like this and my daughter all day I loved her I wanted her you know I wanted to switch places it felt like I knew her for a 100 years and the fact that I thought I was going to lose her every single second multiplied My Love by a million so it's not I believe that I feel like I couldn't have another kid I just feel that this current stage of time it would be unfair for me to have another child knowing that I wouldn't be able to love it as much as I do as Alia that's the honest truth I haven't quite got my head around that one yet I like to be fair you know and it's like animals out of animals yeah but I couldn't have have an animal because I know that I couldn't give it the time that it requires I would never just have an animal to have it as a pet I I love whatever is around me you know and for me I just think it it would be unfair on the child at the minute for me to have another child when I know that I couldn't possibly love it as much as I love my daughter who's in the sky Ash I very much appreciate your openness your honesty the difference from the last time that we spoke to now is very Stark I don't want to say that I don't know what you went through is something that would be wished on anyone but it definitely seems like it's landed on if it was going to be on someone you seem to have the capacity to have been able to deal with it it would have been enough to have crushed anybody and almost including yourself but coming out the other side Alchemy is turning something that's useless into gold and that kind of seems what's happening now I very much appreciate you today thank you very much mate if people want to keep up to date with the stuff that you do if they want to find out more about the foundations where should they come so they can head to my Instagram which is Mr Ashley Kane m r a s h l y c a r n and then to keep with the foundation it's the aelia foundation and aelia is spell AZ a y l i a ash I appreciate you thank you what's happening people thank you very much for tuning in if you enjoyed that episode then press here for a selection of the best clips from the podcast over the last few weeks and don't forget to subscribe peace [Music] h