Video summary
Dr. John Delony addresses the cultural allergy to grief, noting how modern society has outsourced the natural process of mourning from a dedicated parlor in the home to the living room or even entirely away from us. He argues that we have plucked this essential reality out of our lives by refusing to accept that relationships do not always work out and attempting to solve sadness rather than sitting with it. When significant losses occur, such as a parent moving out or leaving a long-term relationship, individuals often feel depressed without having the psychological vocabulary for simple sorrow. Delony emphasizes that these feelings are basic human emotions that should be honored by staying under covers or withdrawing from social obligations temporarily, allowing the body to process the burden alone before it becomes unsustainable. The transcript highlights how our bodies naturally signal when we need rest and connection after a breakup, warning against ignoring these cues until they manifest as "leakage." This leakage includes rage at strangers, imaginary conversations in the shower about past conflicts with ex-partners, or rehearsing future arguments that never happen. Delony describes this state of constant mental rehearsal as what Bnee Brown calls "dressing tragedy," where the body goes to war while one is merely eating dinner because it cannot distinguish between real threats and imagined ones. These symptoms indicate that a person has not given themselves permission to grieve properly, leading them into solution-solving modes like planning revenge or avoiding contact rather than engaging in necessary emotional processing. To counteract this cultural avoidance of grief, Delony suggests adopting radical measures such as blocking contacts, deleting social media accounts, and inviting friends over for two weeks of playing stupid board games while staying home for a month to recover from feeling "dry." He frames these actions not as problems to be solved but as ways to honor the body's system. The core philosophy presented is that one must invite people into their space to sit with them during difficult times, rather than letting emotions spill out inappropriately later on. This approach validates sadness and allows individuals to navigate the initial shock of a breakup without immediately jumping back into normalcy or trying to fix things too quickly. Delony clarifies that while feeling sad for an extended period is natural, skipping work ninety days after a relationship ends crosses the line from healthy grieving into pathology, at which point professional help should be sought. Before concluding his discussion on emotional health, he transitions into promoting Element electrolytes as a solution to physical sluggishness and fatigue caused by dehydration rather than just water intake alone. He explains that proper hydration requires specific ratios of sodium, potassium, and magnesium to optimize brain health and reduce muscle cramps, noting that the brand offers a no-questions-asked refund policy with free shipping in the US for those who want to try their sample pack of eight flavors via drinklnt.com/modernwisdom.
Read the full video transcript
How do people move on from
relationships? We've got a uh allergy to
grief in our culture. Like that's a
natural process. We used to we we used
to have a room in the house called the
parlor where the body would would rest
for 2 to three to 4 days before it was
buried. And now we outsource that and we
call it the living room. I think it was
was Southern Living that declared it in
the early 1900s like it's no longer the
parlor, it's now the living room, right?
But we've just plucked grief out of our
lives. just this reality that things
don't always work out. And we had a
collective group of people. You sat in a
home with a dead relative right there,
right? That was just a part of the
grieving process. And the bodies got
ways that you begin to breathe again.
And somebody shows up with food and
somebody shows up with food and somebody
shows up with food
and right, it's like being at the beach
and it feels like you're drowning, but
you stand up and the water's just only 3
ft deep, right? and we've just So, if
you leave a long-term relationship,
dude, the number of students that would
come into my office and be like, "Hey,
I'm I'm depressed. My dad just moved out
on my mom." And I always thought like,
"Maybe you're clinically depressed, but
I bet you're sad." And they didn't have
a psychology for that. Like, we don't do
that. That's a thing we solve. We solve
for sad. Like, no, man. That's a basic
human emotion. Let's just be sad. Like,
your family broke up. your dad left.
Let's sit in that. And so if you lose an
important relationship, man, your your
body's working right if it wants you
just to stay under the covers for a
while. Your body's working right if you
don't want to go out. Your body's
working right if you don't like if
you're like wondering, "Am I lovable?"
That's not something to be solved, man.
That's something to just sit with. And
if you don't have people in your life,
man, your body's going to spin out on
you, dude, because it knows it can't
carry that burden alone. That's it. is
we have to have we have to have a place
for grief, for being sad. And I think in
our current world, the only way to do it
is to be what what looks radical, right?
I'm going to block people. I'm going to
delete people. I'm going to take my
phone off. I'm going to have a group of
people that are going to come to my
house every every night for two weeks.
We're going to play stupid board games.
Something stupid, right? Or whatever. Um
I'm going to give myself permission to
not go out for a month because I'm
tired. I just feel dry. Like, man,
that's just that's called just honoring
the system, man. You know what I mean?
It's honor the system cuz you're going
to duct tape over that thing. In
counseling, we we we say it's called
call it leakage. It'll find a way out
and it usually finds a way out at a real
inopportune time or you can honor it and
invite somebody to sit in there with
you. How can you tell if you've got
leakage? What sort of what are the most
typical forms of leakage? Oh, rage. uh
saying the words if they would justest
and I don't even care what the I don't
even care who and what you're talking
about. If they would just the guy in the
car next to you doesn't even matter if
they would just Yeah. If you start
making up imaginary stories about people
like the uh I hear from most folks
across the country that happens in the
shower. You start having imaginary
conversations with people that you'll
never have in real life. If I see Chris
again, dude, I'm going to tell that dude
that you're never going to do that. It's
your body just trying to spin up. Uh
Bnee Brown calls it dressing tragedy.
When you are just constantly in a loop
of planning the next sword fight that
you're going to just do the super move
at the end, man. And your body doesn't
know the difference, man. So it goes to
war in the shower. You ever done that?
You step out and you come out of your
bedroom and your partner's in there and
you're mad and they have no idea and
they're just eating, right? You're like,
"How can you just 15-minute argument
with you then, dude?" And I, by the way,
I crushed you in that argument. It's
insane. or you see your boss the next
day after a night of like I'm going to
tell you're not going to tell him
anything right so I it's when you go
into solution solving mode of rage
fighting running
hiding we broke up we had
plans I'm going to sit
here this is going to be weird when you
come over to my house bring tacos and uh
I'm not going to talk to you because
it's going to be weird so I'm just going
to sit here we're going to play video
games right you come watch a stupid game
with me I'm going to a I bought two
tickets. We're going to the show. No
asking me about so and so, but we're
just going to go. You're too old to be
mosh pitting, John. I know. We're going
anyway.
Right. And it it's it's just honoring.
You're supposed to be sad. Supposed to
be sad. Then if you wake up 90 days
later and it becomes you're skipping
work, you need to call somebody, right?
That's when it becomes a pathology. You
got to you got to call somebody. Before
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wisdom. Thank you for tuning in. And if
you enjoyed that clip with John, you
will love the full length episode right
here.
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