Video summary
The speaker asserts a strong belief in marriage, arguing that success in this institution requires specific skills identical to those needed for entrepreneurial achievement: having and conquering a huge vision. He posits that many business failures stem from ignoring realities of the human condition, such as employees feeling insignificant rather than being malicious or sabotaging. This same principle applies to relationships; partners often struggle because they do not feel valued or understood. To bridge this gap, the speaker emphasizes defining terms clearly within a relationship to prevent miscommunication. He illustrates this with his own practice where he and his wife agree on specific meanings for words like "important." For instance, if he says something is important, it means everything else stops immediately; conversely, they have established rules regarding phone calls during meetings so that neither party feels ignored or undervalued when the other is focused on a critical business moment. The speaker recounts his personal history to illustrate how these dynamics evolved from necessity into sustainable habits. Starting with very little—living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment and even scavenging change for gas—he worked inhuman hours, seven days a week, refusing to let his wife take vacations for six years out of fear that he would never succeed or escape their poverty. His wife eventually intervened, stating the situation was unsustainable, which forced him to reassess his approach. This period taught him that while time is necessary, it is not the sole determinant of relationship health; rather, the quality of interaction and emotional presence matter far more than quantity. He notes that if one were miserable or depressed during their limited time together, those interactions would be detrimental to both partners and any children involved, as they fail to establish positive relational dynamics. Central to his philosophy on maintaining a successful marriage while pursuing an entrepreneurial dream is the concept of being each other's number one priority above all else. The speaker explains that he has faced moments where working long hours felt like it was taking away from their vision or threatening the stability of their union, but these fears were mitigated by prioritizing his wife over even his most significant goals, such as ending metabolic disease through business success. He argues that there is no comparison between what a company means to him and how much she makes him feel; if he had to choose, it would always be her. This hierarchy of values ensures that the relationship remains resilient against external pressures like financial loss or family tragedies. The core message is that a long-term commitment should only exist when both individuals genuinely feel they are each other's primary focus in every aspect of life, creating a sense of safety and significance that transcends professional ambitions. Ultimately, the speaker concludes that balancing an entrepreneurial vision with marital success requires intentional communication and a shared understanding of what actions mean to one another. By defining terms like "important" and establishing clear boundaries around availability during business meetings, couples can avoid feeling like ships passing in the night. The key takeaway is that happiness levels during time spent together are more critical than the duration of those interactions; being present with genuine joy creates a positive feedback loop for both partners and family members. Whether spouses work within the same company or have separate careers, the advice remains consistent: prioritize quality connection over mere presence, ensure you feel like your partner's number one priority regardless of external circumstances, and recognize that acknowledging human realities—such as the need for significance—is essential for thriving in both business and marriage.
Read the full video transcript
I am a big believer in love. I am a big
believer in marriage. I just think if
you're not prepared to acquire the
skills that will make you successful in
marriage, then don't get married.
Mhm. What are those skills?
So, the the generic answer
a huge vision and conquering that
vision.
Well, the great news is it's exactly the
same. The same thing that makes me being
good at an as an entrepreneur makes me
good as a husband. Uh and I'm willing to
make that statement knowing that you
could ask my wife for you will see it.
She will back it up. I'm positive. Uh
and only because I grinded out. I I work
my ass off, right? So, and I accept the
realities of the human condition. And I
think that's one thing that people don't
do a lot. Um and and I get asked to
speak a lot about, you know, how has
Quest been successful? And every talk I
give is some variation of every problem
you're having in your company is a
result of you not acknowledging some
reality of the human condition, right?
So, your employees are not sinister.
They are not trying to bring you down.
They just don't feel significant in your
business. So, they are lurching. They're
groping in the dark to find
significance. And once you understand
that, ah I can provide you significance
and then you you can go on and do
something. So, communication, but but
very specifically, understanding where
the other person is coming from so that
you can talk to them in a way that they
can actually hear you. So, my wife and I
define words. Uh so, I'll give you an
example. We define the word important.
If I say, "Hey, this would really mean
something to me if you did that." No
alarm bells go off. "Hey, I really need
you to be there." No alarm bells go off.
"Hey, it's important to me that you be
there." I'll drop whatever I'm doing and
be there.
That's like this is the most important
thing.
100%.
Yeah.
So, if you use the word important,
everything else stops and I come and do
that. That way there's none of the
miscommunication of but I told you how
important it was to me.
So,
How did you learn that?
Uh through pissing off my wife over and
over and over and finally realizing,
okay, wait. Communication is what I do.
How are we like missing each other? So,
I I just had the sense we were two ships
passing in the night.
And so,
we decided we're going to start defining
terms. Like, what does that mean to you?
Like, I if she calls me twice, I can
ignore it. If that phone rings a third
time in a row, and this has actually
happened where I ran out of a business
meeting like the house was on fire. I'm
like, I got to go right now, no
explanation, out the door. Cuz it We
agree, if you dial the third time,
assume I'm with President Obama and
we're about to make something really
magical happen and that this call forces
me out of the room.
That's You better It's got to be like
that type of situation. Yeah, yeah.
She's only done it once. Just to give
you an idea of how it works.
Uh then I'm screwed. That's just bad
mojo. But I've got the Apple Watch now,
so we're good. We're good.
Wow. This is fascinating. And has there
ever been a moment in your marriage
where you felt like this is taking you
away from your vision or it's not going
to work or
challenging times where it made you
question it?
No, but there's definitely because my
wife is in the business. If she wasn't,
for sure. And therefore, while in the
company before, I was working more hours
certainly than I am now.
Cuz I was so terrified that I would
never figure the code out and get out of
you know, where we were cuz my wife and
I started very poor.
Um
I joke cuz her father's very successful.
Just down the street somewhere. A small
one-bedroom apartment.
tiny one-bedroom, 700 square feet. She
was clipping coupons. I mean, the whole
nine. Like, we were legit at one point
about 15 years ago I was scrounging
through my couch cushions for enough
change to put gas in my car. Like,
that's where we started. Um so, I went
through a period where I was like, dude,
I need to be successful. Like, it's not
just a want. Like, I have to real. I
can't live like this. So, um
I worked just inhuman amounts of hours,
7 days a week. I wouldn't let her take a
vacation, not a single day for 6 years.
And
then finally, she was like, "This isn't
sustainable." So,
Wow.
Yeah, we finally
Okay.
Now, if you're not working together and
you're in your you're married and you're
working in different careers or she's
not working with you.
Yeah.
How do you work that out? I mean, if
you're you know, if you're working all
these hours, how do you communicate in a
way that's you're there for the
marriage, but also there for your
entrepreneurial dream? There's a lot of
entrepreneurs listening that might have
that question of like, how do I manage
the balance to make sure that I'm there
for my wife or wife is there for the
husband, but also going after the dream
and the vision and making it happen and
not sacrificing
that time for the dream, that time for
your vision and and feeling like it's a
compromise.
Yeah.
Or a sacrifice.
I think it's the same advice for people
in relationships as it is for parents.
Uh, they've done studies on this and it
doesn't matter how much time you spend
with your kids to a point, obviously. If
you're not like spending some time, it's
going to be a problem, but it's not the
time, it's the happiness level that you
show when you're together. So, if you're
with your kids 5 hours a day and you're
miserable, you're unhappy, you feel
lost, um, you're depressed, that's not
great for the kids, right? They're not
going to establish good relationship
with you. Uh, they're not going to have
necessarily positive relationships
moving forward, um, with, you know, like
a daughter wouldn't necessarily have a
great relationship with husband because
just the dynamic she's used to with a
male figure in her life is off, right?
Yeah.
So, um, what they found is it's
correlated purely to happiness. If you
come in and you're just like, "Oh my
gosh, I'm so happy to see you." and
you're playing with the kids and you're
having a great time, it doesn't need to
be a lot of time, it just needs to be
awesome
Yeah.
quality time.
Got you.
So, I think the same is true of a
relationship. If if when you're with
your significant other, you're still
playing on the phone and they've got to
get your attention and they never feel
like they're number one. And that So,
going back to the marriage question,
you got to answer this question.
The whole point, the only reason in my
mind to be in a long-term committed
relationship is how good it feels to be
one person's number one. Not number two.
Number one.
I would not stay with my wife if I
wasn't her number one. And I would
encourage her not to stay with me if she
wasn't my number one. Like she knows in
all the world, no matter how bad it
gets, we lose the house, the company
crumbles, everything goes to hell, our
families pass away, all of it. She's got
one person for whom she is number one.
She is it. Nothing is more important.
The business means a lot to me.
Accomplishing what I want in life means
a lot to me. Ending, you know, metabolic
disease, that means a lot to me. But it
doesn't even compare to what she means
to me and the way she makes me feel. And
if I had to pick, and you know, I've had
moments where I've gotten to prove this
to her,
that is her. It's her all day. So if
you're in a relationship with somebody
makes you feel that
that's just a rad feeling.