How to Hack Your Mind and Live Your Best Life | Coach Mike Bayer on Impact Theory

I feel like the universe from my experience creates a window. If you do want to change, if you do want to help, a window is created. Now, it may not be the window you want. And it may not be this fabulous drapes that you want to open up, but there'll be a window. Because all of a sudden your mindset is believing there's a window. And it believes that you can change. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode brought to you by our sponsors at Athletic Greens. To receive a free one-year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase, visit athleticgreens.com/impacttheory. Enjoy the episode. Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Impact Theory. I am here with the incredible Coach Mike Bayer. Coach Mike, welcome to the show. Tom, thanks for having me. Dude, I'm super excited. So first of all, I was on your show first. You were. So we've got some history. We do. And now we're going to dive into your new book One Decision, which I think at its core has a really powerful tactic for people to reframe their life. To get people into what One Decision is and how they can leverage it, give us your definition of One Decision. Sure. So um and my name's Mike Bayer, but people call me Coach Mike, but when I came out of the womb, the coach wasn't there, but you know, you know, basically One Decision uh it all comes down to One Decision to change our life. That's it. What all comes down to One Decision? Any change. Like your happiness, though? Um well, so I spent years working with drug addicts, alcoholics, people with psychiatric disorders, and years. And I own a treatment center. And um why do certain people change and get well, and why do certain people not get well? And really what it comes down to is making one decision, which is followed up by a bunch of other decisions. But everything is kind of one decision away. Now, it's what decisions matter, what decisions not matter? There's 35,000 decisions we make a day, so I wanted to write something this time around that was all geared around making it really simple and not overwhelming for someone. And if they were to get through the book, that by the end of it they can just make one decision that improves their life. Now, is that in the book you put a really fine point on sort of what the big one decision is? Right. That you're pushing people to make. Right. Is that one big one? The The big one is figuring out who you are and being yourself. You know, in my last book, Best Self, um my best self's a wizard. So, you know, it's really identifying who someone is at their core and starting from that place. It can be really confusing for all of us as we get to unpack and know ourselves a bit more. Who we are as individuals. are. In your mind, do we design who we are, or is this a discovery process? Well, I think everyone's different. So, I think it's always a discovery process, but I think we have to define moments in our life, you know, that's kind of a helpful framework is to figure out what are the times in our life when we felt completely connected and in the moment. When did we feel like we were rooted in what I would call a spiritual experience that wasn't outcome-based, that wasn't based upon making a bunch of money, but was based about being in this beautiful moment and going, "Gosh, I'm exactly where I need to be and this is who I am." So, I find it's helpful for people to first figure out what are those moments. And that starts to create a framework for someone realizing, "Okay, those moments I can kind of describe who I am." Mhm. So, going through the book, one of the things I found most interesting is the blending of this is a process of discovery and now you're in the driver seat. Once you begin to develop that awareness, now we can begin to sort of shift our force. Yes. The uh you are the king of acronyms. I love an acronym. Yes, you do. And you use them to very good effect. And by the way, the force acronym I think is incredible and makes up a huge part of what makes the book work. But before we define force, I just want to get into this idea of you could be sort of seeing the world one way. You talk a lot about perspective and your perspective is going to define your life. And I love that idea. Help people understand that more. How and what is your perspective or a perspective and how does it so color our experience? Right. So, any situation or problem in our life today, we have a perception of the problem. And sometimes that perception has been circling around since we were a little kid. It just all kind of goes back. But every day we have a hint of looking at it through a certain lens because our childhood makes up how we feel and look at through the world today unless we go back and we go, "Okay, what do I need to change or shift because it's not authentically who I am." And so, that perception that isn't working for us, we often go, "God, I hate it when I think that way." Or I wish I wouldn't have said that. Or um "That doesn't feel like me. And I think it's incredibly helpful for someone who wants to improve their life to realize that how they look at life, I mean it's the difference is like when I was writing this book, part of me was like, "Okay, yeah, you look through rose-colored glasses. How do you look at life through a better optic?" But then I was like, "All right, well, let's take it a step further and how do we make decisions from that optic?" And so I find that and again, my background is working with drug addicts and alcoholics and if you can get those people to change who are already way below beneath the ground, uh, you can get anyone to change. So, this idea of your childhood is is is really determining your present self, which is something Mike, it freaks me out at a level that I don't know how to convey because my my North Star is, okay, 50% of us is hardwired, there's just nothing we can do about that. 50% is malleable and when I started this, I really wanted it to be that we're 100% malleable. And the more you look at the research, the more you experience your own life, the more you realize, okay, that nothing experientially tells me that we're 100% malleable. Right. But I want to believe that we can change dramatically in any aspect of our life, hardwiring or not. And when people talk about childhood becoming the the single most important defining element of how you frame the world, perceive the world, look at the world, whatever language you want to use today as an adult, I get super freaked out. So, one, walk me through trauma, how it sort of locks itself in and how do we begin to untangle that in adulthood? Well, I mean, I I think the first step is awareness and why are we doing what we're doing or why we think the way we're thinking and what's working for us and what's not working for us. How do you help people gain that cuz this is an area you're freakishly good at? Well, I love assessments. I just think unless you know where you're starting from, you have no idea where you're going. You know, so everything I write has assessments in it because someone needs to assess their life and they have to be motivated to change it. I find that I work with a lot of people who are unhappy with one area of their life when really it's another area of their life they need to improve or they they just don't want to they're not motivated to change it. So What are some of the core assessments you walk people through? Uh one is the spheres. So it stands for like social, personal, health, education, relationships, employment, and spiritual development and someone can just rate from 1 to 10 uh how much how happy or content or whatever it is for them they are in that area of that their life and it just assesses a starting spot and looking at what number is lowest um and then going all right, do I want to change it? Am I okay with it? You know, because people will often say oh, I'm so unhappy with uh you know, my job. But really what they may be unhappy with is their spiritual development. But they haven't thought of that. You know, until you ask the question, people often don't think about it. They just focus on the problem. But you're right. I mean, it can be a bit overwhelming. I've done so much Listen, I'm a I'm the guy who's been on probably every psychiatric medication. I'm a recovering drug addict. I was a meth addict. I've worked with all sorts of different people for the past 18 plus years and um and I can tell you that we all have a story. And we all have a story we have to shake. Just like you have a story you had a story. You changed your story, the part that was malleable. And now here we are on Impact Theory. Now, if you didn't change your story, it would have just taken a different road, not to say it was so much better or worse, but it wasn't more in alignment with who you are. Awareness is big, and when I think about people having any sort of breakthrough in their life, you you need that moment. Do you think that as a as somebody who struggled with addiction, did you get a key insight around awareness and what you call that window? Awareness of what? Like Yeah, like so the window to me hearing you describe it. In fact, tell people what the window is, cuz I've never heard anybody refer to it like that, and I think it's the single most powerful insight as to why people don't get help, even though they've hit rock bottom like over and over and over. Um tell people what the window is, and then I'll Well, we all we all get windows to change. There's always opportunities. Which is the moment of willingness. The moment of willingness and the moment of trusting the universe. Like you people talk about rock bottom. I mean, that's just a moment. You know, like you could always go lower in your rock bottom. You could lose a limb. You could Like you're just To me, a rock bottom is a moment of being spiritually deflated, defeated, essentially hating your life. And it can always go a bit lower, but there's always a window. I feel like the universe, from my experience, creates a window. If you do want to change, if you do want to help, a window is created. Now, it may not be the window you want, and it may not be this fabulous straight that you want to open up, but there'll be a window. Because all of a sudden your mindset is believing there's a window, and it believes that you can change. And I just think there's always that opening. Now, that opening may shut. Talk to me about the window that you experienced. In fact, one thing I haven't heard, talk to me about a window in your drug use period that you ignored, and then walk us through the window that you ended up finally going through. So, you know, I'm part of my story is, you know, I'm gay, and being gay wasn't easy for me. Like, I didn't know what it was. I up? Orange County. What year? High school graduation, roughly? in '99. I went to Mater Dei High School, which is a big, like, sets you up for collegiate basketball. I uh was captain of the team, uh won the homecoming queen. I uh was student body vice president, you know, and was popular. And I uh as I was growing up, I did not know what this thing was. Like, I didn't know what gay was. Honestly, like, I just didn't know what it was. I didn't understand it. I thought at a certain point I would start being turned on by women. Mhm. I I heard of this thing in school called puberty. So, I thought, okay, well, I think I hit puberty. I'm growing hair here. Like, why is this not happening? And that creates a story. A story where you start to feel like you're not enough. You start to, for me, beat myself up. And you start to not be able to regulate emotions. And want to find escapes. And you know, I Yeah, I don't think like one just because of that was why I ended up, you know, choosing to do drugs, but it was incredibly difficult, and I had to do a lot of rewiring and therapy and trauma work all around that. But, for me, I look back at you know, I sat down with a therapist uh for years, and I could have told him what was haunting me. I never told him. Like, I knew this was bothering me. The window was there for me to communicate to someone in the safe space, but I was too scared to step into that window. How old were you when you first started in therapy? Uh 16. Okay. So, because it was evident to you or evident to your parents that something was going on? Okay. I was the kid who uh was, you know, very athletic, like I said, but I was, you know, going to raves, lying to my parents, doing ketamine at 16. You know, I'd go to raves every weekend um straight after school. you were on drugs or They just Well, I mean, I got caught a few times with weed or, you know, back then weed was such a big deal, you know, like, "Oh my god, he smokes weed." Um or like selling nitrous oxide balloons, I got caught. But yeah, I started going to therapy um and the window was there. A lot of people have shame or secrets about how they look at themselves or life. And they don't want to tell anyone. They don't want to tell anyone what keeps them up at night. They don't want to tell anyone what's haunting them. And if you show up in a setting to get help that is the window. Now, it may not be the therapist in the long run because no one's perfect, no one's God. But I look back at that moment or I look back when I was going through out pa- I went to play for to at basketball at Fordham in the Bronx and like uh when I got out there, I would go through out patients and you know, support groups and um and again, like, there's a window to get help. It's just I wasn't willing to go to any lengths. I think whenever we make big changes in our lives, one of the great steps, first we have to get honest about our life, about others. We have to be open to not being God and there's got to be another way. We have to become willing. And then it's focus. And if we're able to do that, it's kind of surrendering to win. And so Surrendering to win? Yeah. What do you mean? It's surrendering to this idea that what we believe or have believed may not be in our best interest and surrendering to a whole new way of life. Surrendering to if somebody is mentoring us and making suggestions that even though we don't want to do it and even though we're like, "Oh, that reminds me of my mom or my dad, I'm just going to do it." And uh and I think a lot of it is blind faith whenever you want to make any change in life. And I I just call it surrendering to win, you know. Fair enough. Okay, so that's the window that you didn't take. What was the one that you finally did? Oh god, I mean this is sounds so crazy. I mean, look, I was a hot mess, right? So I don't even know if I should tell this version cuz it sounds so crazy. Do you want the crazy version or do you want it a little tapered? I whatever version is most useful to the person who's watching right now for whom you are going to be the window. You're going to give them the permission to to seek help. Okay, so I I lost my mind on meth. I had a sugar mommy who was a model who like her fantasy was getting like guys to be with her cuz she could get into Specifically guys or gay guys? Okay. So bad. So embarrassing looking back. I can't even believe I was in this spot in my life, you know? But like I had been up for like a week cuz you stay up literally for a week. Um and it's crazy when you're when you stay up for even more than a day, right? You lose all reality. Um and you get paranoid. You know, that's part of why it's called sketchiness. When we see people who are aren't getting well good sleep, they're more emotionally dysregulated and even if they're not on drugs. And basically uh I Huh, it sounds so weird, but I would I would go to her house and she would give me drugs. Drugs. And um I one night I went to her house and all of her art had devil horns. Um and all like all the paintings. And there would be women like naked women with devil horns. And I just thought that was weird. Uh and then she would never let light in her apartment and she had like three rows of curtains. And um one night we were going to bed and I went to the bathroom and I noticed that her window was closed but the leaves were moving in the bathroom. Uh on the pot. And I came back and I said, "You know, I'm I'm kind of tripping out. Like felt like a weird vibe." And then I looked I I told her I'm looking at that artwork and I see the head spinning. She goes, "Oh, no, that's normal. That's That's what goes on. You know, it's normal." And so I uh we lay down together in bed uh to go to sleep. Probably taking a bunch of Xanax or whatever to get, you know, cuz you can't sleep really. And I she leans over and out of her I hear and this devil voice. I got so freaked out. I left and I haven't seen her since. I mean, it was 20 years ago or whatever. And I literally called everyone I knew. I I at the time I was transporting meth, which I'm not proud of. I was a terrible drug dealer cuz I would give it all away. And I just was bad. Like I'd bring it from Orange County in New York. Um but I would give it like I literally put stickers on the plastic bags. It wasn't like I was like made to be a drug dealer. Right. I just like wanted everyone to party with me. And um I went home. I threw away all the drugs I had and then I made a phone call and shortly after I went to treatment and I went to a place in Minnesota and I thought I was going for a month and then they recommended I stay for another 4 months. So I stayed another 4 months and then I went to sober living for 5 months. And then I worked in coffee shops and the YMCA and my family no longer was financially supporting me so I had to get scholarships. And that was a window at which I was like I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Like I don't know what to do. Someone else tell me because I'm lost. Like I'm completely lost and that's an example of the window. And we all have windows every day. Some are big, some are small. But that was a window that changed my life. And shortly after that I became a counselor and I did interventions and Was there a key thing that you learned in that window that allowed you to stick with this? Because like you said, at some point it just becomes about focus but you know, recidivism rates for drug use is so high unless the trauma has been processed. Was it that where you just processed it? And is this centered primarily around the disconnect of I'm meant to live this heterosexual life but I'm gay and now you're coming to terms like it was? It was um I mean, for me it's it was God. Good orderly direction though. Not some religious stuff. Good orderly direction. That's interesting. So good advice. Yeah, good orderly direction. Okay. That's my God. That's very interesting. And it's a spiritual experience and I think because I I don't know. I never heard that I could be spiritually fit as a gay dude growing up. Like it was again a new thing I learned. It's not like I could at the time if I was gay show up in some religion and they're like, "Come on in. Like let's you know, let's let's do something really amazing with embracing you." Like I never experienced that. So I kind of didn't know there was a way to be spiritually fit. You know, I was young and Scott sober at 22, but I've learned that when you want to change, you have to be fully committed. And so um that's just what I'm willing to do when I want to change. And I I I've had that philosophy. I still have mentors in my life today. I still try to be as coachable as possible. Um but it's it's it's a willingness and it's an openness. It's really like the what helps someone make lasting change. I went through treatment with 24 other guys and I think like two of us stayed sober. Whoa. Yeah. That is gnarly. Yeah. $30,000 a month rehab. Whoa. Yeah. Let's talk about Athletic Greens, the all-in-one daily drink to support better health and peak performance. With so many stressors in life, it's difficult to maintain effective nutritional habits and give our bodies the nutrients it needs to thrive. Busy schedules, poor sleep, exercise, stress, or simply not eating enough of the foods that your body needs. That's where Athletic Greens can help. Their daily drink is like nutritional insurance for your body that's delivered straight to your door. Developed from a complex blend of 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food sourced ingredients, Athletic Greens is a greens powder engineered to help fill the nutritional gaps in your diet. 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Okay, so you develop Was it through good orally direct good oral direction that you learned this idea of if you're going to do it, do it all the way? Or is that uh the sports training, just your nature? I think like I don't know. I've I've had this philosophy in life. I'm like, I'm a cockroach. You can't get rid of me. You know, like I'm like and I just have this spirit to me that for me, I'm not going to live this life It's like a It's a conversation with self. And it's a a willingness to learn. Like when I was in treatment, I had a notepad with a pen and I'm taking notes of every speaker and what they had to say because if I want to change, I need to be fully committed. I They There's a saying in AA, it's half measures avail nothing. And it basically means you can't half-ass something. You can't half-ass sobriety. And to me, it's kind of a life or death situation. You They say you either end up in a jail, which is, you know, the jails and prisons are just the rates of people who where it's drug, you know, crimes. And so, for me, I was like, you know, I'm I'm going to shake this thing up. I'm not going to I'm not going down, you know? And the counselors didn't think I was going to stay sober, you know, but Did Did they think that because they're so used to class after class of 24 people reduces down to two? Or was there actually something in you at that time that made you more likely to fail? Uh I think because I'm ambitious and I think that And they thought that was a dangerous I think I find that in treatment and it's part of the reason I created my own center was there's a there's a it's not a it's not a It's kind of like you're all you're an addict, you're always an addict. You have a disease. You um get a sober job and then you do the basics and it's not an environment that's like yeah, go. You know, the counselors are underpaid. You know, they're probably the first job I got offered as a counselor to move out outside of Washington was 28,000 a year for me to go live in some youth rehab. That's that industry. It's not an industry where they're like let's get you sober and let's go freaking make it. It's not that. And so if you have that excitement and that drive, I think it's just different. That's really interesting. So having your own center because I share that with you, I'm wildly ambitious. Whenever people bring up like um you know, trauma, you're a workaholic, something like that. And I stop and reflect and like am is this an addictive behavior in my life? And it does not strike me as that. Because I'm very clear on what my priorities are and I always act in accordance with my priorities. So if we use the definition of an addiction is something that gives you short-term benefit but long-term damage and even in the face of the long-term damage you can't stop, that definitely is not me. Well, and and other criteria is like it's progressive, it all you know, relationships are affected by it. Like there's there's several elements to um you know, and people throw around terms you know, nowadays especially with social media, you know. And so I bring that up because is is somebody with your level of ambition, is there like an element of mania that you see with the people that come into treatment where as soon as the mania for getting better wears off, they're going to find themselves just going and needing to numb out again? Or have you seen there there just is no correlation, it's a a problem of the way the industry perceives itself and now that we're outside that we're good. Well, so our center will have like strictly clinical depression or debilitating anxiety. And so, during COVID, it went up to about 75% just primary mental health. Wow. Yeah. Whereas before it would have been like 60% chemical dependency. The drug addicts during COVID, man, they've had it I mean, it's unfortunate for them because families aren't seeing them. They can get away with it. Checks coming through. You know, that maybe they weren't having to show up at work, you know, not everyone. I'm generalizing, but like um But I think um I think to people who typically are addicted to drugs or struggling with depression, they already don't have a strong belief of themselves. Um and so, a lot of what they just want to do is just function. Um they haven't been seen for years, you know, and that's why in one decision in kind of my uh you know, who I wrote the book to, it's that person who's alone in their apartment. It's that person who's scared uh that, you know, they're in their 40s and like what did I make of my life? It's that person that's like just uh doesn't realize they can have more. It's that person who's who lives in an inner city and is just like what the hell am I supposed to do now? You know, my relationships aren't supporting me in getting to where I want to get to. So, um those are my people, you know, I love people that are just struggling because the the amazing thing about um mental health and why, you know, and I and I've worked so much not in mental health or addiction, you know, the a lot of the work I've done with entertainers is about helping them live in their art and creative and companies I've worked with like it none of it has to do with addiction. That's it evolved. But the thing I love about people who are struggling is you can see their light turn on real quick. I selfishly love seeing people's lights turn on. You cannot see that physically. You can't see someone physically go to the gym, suddenly there's a bigger muscle. But you can get someone's light to turn on who for the past 6 months has been effing miserable. And so like my approach adds humor, creativity, you know, it's like when you're able to kind of laugh at yourself even when you're suffering it starts to shift. And so I just that's why I do what I do. You know, I just love helping people turn their lights on and start to navigate life from that. So like that's like the one decisions how do I help them turn the light on? It's very tough with the book. I write it as if I'm somebody's life coach. I write it as if I'm working with someone. Um and I'm very grateful now I get to do it on Dr. Phil and and everything is kind of I never thought I would be doing this type of work in this scale, but um I'm just I'm grateful. All right, so let's start putting some of these pieces together and then we're going to get into the four O's and force and and we'll give people the specifics that they need to make this work. But okay, so the one decision is authenticity. You've got to decide that you're going to be yourself. So you're not living a sort of fractured life. Um you're not hiding. This isn't a world of secrets. Like you're now going to be able to process through things because you're not hiding under a bunch of [ __ ] So Yep. Um that's step one. Two, looking for that window of healing so that you you have the willingness and there is a lifeline of some kind that you're going to be able to step through to get the help. It could be reading your book, which you've turned into essentially an instruction manual. So for anybody who's like, I don't have anybody, they would very easily be able to get the essentials of what we're talking about now. It doesn't have to be rock bottom. It's a really interesting part of the window concept. Um perspective, so how you choose to see the world. One of my favorite quotes is it doesn't matter what you look at, it matters what you see. And your notion that hey, you get to control what you see. And the first way you walk people through that is the notion of best self. So you want to decide what you look like as your best self. This there there's a a fascinating duality that you cover in your book. So you sort of present how almost everything has the light side, the dark side. Right. And so making sure that people understand, hey, you're in this thing over here and actually may have served you for a while. The drugs may have actually given you something for a while. And now what we're trying to do is move you out of that. The thing that you're anxious about, like at first it was planning, at first it was being thoughtful about consequences, but now it's turned into something else. So you've got the duality which four sort of really walk people home, but it starts with that best self. So you've got the who are you at your worst, who are you at your best. Yeah, your best self and your anti-self. Like everyone I have create their best self, which is an avatar for their life. And yours would be of course. I got wizards on my shoe, I got wizards on my arm, I got wizards all over my house. I need the reminder. But it becomes this really powerful constructed narrative. Yes. Like when I hear you talk about Merlin, I have an image of who Merlin is in my mind, right? As a devotee of sci-fi and fantasy, like I conjure images. And when I hear you describe it, I'm like, oh that's interesting, that's not how I think of wizards. Mhm. But it doesn't matter because you've you've created an icon that becomes the reminder. You can surround yourself with it what Um, heard referred to as self-signaling, which I think is really powerful. Right. Uh, tell us what Merlin means to you. Yeah, so so our parents give us names and then uh But I at a spiritual level, I use spirit as like, you know, the energy inside of us, the light that turns on, you know. Gets us in the moment, gets us fired up, you know. Um, it reminds me of like your wife Lisa when she listens to music and she's belting it out. Um And for me it's my best self is wise, compassionate, fun, in the moment fearless, driven uh compassionate and doesn't really get resentful or bitter or like can always show up. And the reason why I created best self uh and my best self's a wizard named Merlin is a reminder when I'm going into something stressful. So, when we aren't our best selves, besides like getting lack of sleep or all of the you know, the basics is stressful situations. Uh event stuff that we need to perform for. It could be a job interview. Um, it could be like before I came out here, I looked in myself in the mirror and I said, "Be your Be yourself. Be your best self." I say that to myself. Because I know that you have a huge reach and I want to make sure I'm being authentic. And And what it does is allows one to let go of the outcome. So, sometimes I'll hear people going to business meetings and go, "God, I should have done this or that." Well, you can let go of it if you were just showing up authentically. So, it's a good reminder. And then I like people that create their anti-self. That part of them that's currently getting in the way in their life. So, that they'll recognize it more readily? Recognize it, have a understanding of it. Um and it's kind of funny. So, like whereas normally when we think of the aspects of ourselves that we get in our own way, we, you know, typically can't laugh at them. Like mine's a male witch named Angelus, and male witches don't have a lot of friends, and they isolate, and they [ __ ] about the world. That's my own own vision of it. And I'll be like, all right, how do I get more like Merlin in this situation, not like Angelus? And what I love about this is everyone I work with, they create their own best self, and they create their own anti-self. It's completely authentic to their own life and what they envision. And it's a really helpful resource that's free that I've found has worked wonders in other people's lives. And sometimes I'll work with like business executives, like companies. I did this with the Dallas Cowboys, um all the rookies, you know, I did with Fidelity, which is a title insurance company. And people find it really helpful because adjectives or descriptions alone for me included aren't like enough. It's like, okay, well, you're angry. Okay, well, yes, I'm angry. Okay, you're bitter. Okay, but if I'm like, you're acting like If my friends are like, you're acting like Angelus, it's kind of funny. I'm like, you're kind of right. And it just adds a new, you know, I love characters. I love So, first step is figuring out who your best self is. And then it's taking a look at, all right, well, what problems, let's assess your life, and let's look at, uh what is the kind of thinking that's driving those problems. So, like you said, I love acronyms, so I created the force. And there's a negative force and a positive force. Now, not to say everything in life has to be like so black and white, right? But it's it's a framework that's helpful for people and it comes out of uh cognitive distortions, which is cognitive behavioral therapy, which has been around forever. It's the most widely used type of therapy and anywhere in the world. Um and I what I wanted to do was create a coaching language for it because it can be pretty complex and it also takes a very long time to do a lot of sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy. So, the force is the negative force stands for fortune-telling. So, F O R C E. The force, yeah. Done twice. Yep. Okay. So, the positive side Are you doing positive or negative? I can do negative first or So, the negative would be fortune-telling, overgeneralizing, re- rigidity or right-fighting, um confusion, and emotional reasoning. Typically, from my experience, one of those five things is what affects someone's perception. It usually falls into one of those categories. And the flip side is the hack. So, whenever one anyone's feeling like they're in that negative force, they can go, "All right, where where am I in this list?" And the positive is fact-finding, objective thinking, relaxed or relaxed thinking, clarified purpose, and evidence-based reasoning. Now, the cool thing about seeing it in the book that's going to be hard for people that are just listening to this is you actually break it out into a matrix. Yes. people like, "Here's the F negative, here's the F positive, the O negative, the O positive." Right. Um and it really makes it easy to go, "Okay, wait. Identify, going back to your point about awareness, identify what what am I derailing on right now? What has shifted my perspective that's pushed me into the negative force? Right. Identify which of the letters you're at and then cool, what's its correlate on the the side? And much like the Merlin example of of actually coming up with an avatar for your best self so that it contains like you said it's a shorthand for a whole lot of things so you know how to sort of step into that I think so powerful. Uh they when you have that matrix in your mind you're able to go okay this is a C problem boom I'm going to jump from the negative C to the positive C. Oh man this is I'm I'm totally in emotional reasoning I need to move over to fact-based. Yeah. Um evidence-based cuz it's an E. Yeah. Uh it's really useful. This is one of those times where um I think verbal alone won't quite get people. One one one way to look at it is like uh we like you've shown up at events we all have where you're confused and pre-COVID or you know where When events still existed. You're like what am I doing here? It could be someone's party it could be at someone's house and it's just confusing and it's like what how long am I going to need to stay or whatever? Well usually the reason why we feel that way is we don't know the purpose for being there. We're like lost like if we can clarify the purpose oh it's their birthday and I'm showing up for them because I love them. Oh the purpose is for networking. Because when we're in confusion we just check out right? And so it's just that's like a simple example But giving people the reminder these are the two Cs so you have confusion is a C on force negative and then you have clarity of purpose as the C on the force positive and so you begin to go man why am I here? Oh [ __ ] that's confusion I'm in the C I'm back in force what is the correlate that will allow me to this goes back to your very first statement about perspective shapes your world it's like the first sentence in your book. Yeah. And so it's like okay wait this is about perspective. I have my moment of awareness here is my window of opportunity recognize what C I'm in okay I'm confused right? Now all I need is clarity of purpose to understand do I stay, do I go? Okay, this is about being a good friend. Okay, Yes. rad. Like what how would a friend show up in this moment? How do I figure that out? My best self, who in your case is tattooed on my arm. What would Merlin do in this situation? Right. And and Merlin is me. Right. And so it's like me at my best, how would I want to show up? It's such a cool rubric I love that. to just sort of put their finger somewhere on a chart, Right. why I found it so helpful. Like I'm all about instruction manuals. And I'm about instruction manuals written by the people who struggled. Right. Because if it came easy to you, I don't want you writing my instruction manual. Cuz you're not going to know where I'm going to get tripped up. Right. And it's like I want to know where am I going to fall? Yeah. And so force and you spend a lot of time in the book walking people through it. So for anybody who's listening to this or watching this, know, get the book. You can see like you take them through it in several different ways. Stories about people that were struggling with a given letter and how you helped them find, you know, what they needed to transition to from the negative to the positive. Yeah. You lay it out in the chart. You give them the definitions. And it becomes sort of that cheat sheet that I think people need in the beginning. Well, and and what I did was I put a a post out on Facebook. So I had about, I don't know, 40 strangers showing up at my house where I said I'm going to help you make one decision in 40 minutes. And so I had I recorded all of them. And I still have the recordings. I'm like, ah, I should I turn it into something? But I basically, whatever I put out, I want to make sure it works. Like to the best of its ability with the widest range of people. So I would have people show up at my house and then we would figure out what force they were getting stuck in. You know, what was their problem, who their best self was, what force were they stuck in, and then what was the one decision they needed to make to get into who they truly are and what they want to live like you know I so I I test out everything like I'll throw self-help dinner parties, you know, just trying to make sure that it's really bulletproof and um and yeah, you're thank you for articulating this all so great, you know, I'm literally spewing what you put in the book. No, but you you're actually like you get it. You know, you actually get where the framework of where I'm going with it and you're even saying a lot of it better than me. So I appreciate it. Um so I appreciate the kind words, but it it really is there. It's yeah. The coolest description I heard of the sort of magic that you do and how you're able to I've heard you talk about hey, I'm on the Dr. Phil show which you're on all the time. Um I've 2 minutes before the next commercial break to help this person have this huge breakthrough. Uh-huh. And Yeah. I heard somebody like sort of realize in real time as you did it with them on their show and they were like, oh my god, I get what you're doing. You're not giving me a new puzzle piece. You're making me aware of the fact that there are puzzle pieces and showing me how to rearrange them. Mhm. And I thought, oh my god, that actually is what you're doing. Like you're helping people understand f o r c e the positive, the negative and you should define the four O's because I keep making sort of oblique references to it because that's also useful. But give people that cuz that's another piece of the puzzle. Sure. So the four O's is And we hear about a lot lately. It's it's kind of like obstacle or opportunity, right? Is it every obstacle is an opportunity in disguise, right? Like we hear it and then it's kind of like, okay, well yes and I also think it's important that we I like to write things out like and I find when I'm working with people when they write it out, it's it's helpful. So yes, it's looking at what's the obstacle which is an O. What's the opportunity, you know, in that obstacle? And because you can't move on to anything else. Because if you So, the four O's there's obstacle, opportunity, one decision, outcome. When we make a decision from an obstacle mindset, we aren't going to be aligned with who we really are. And we're probably at the end not going to get the outcome that we're going to be acceptable with because we may look back and be like, "Why did I do that? That's not I should have said it differently." If we can view it as an opportunity, it feels better. It's more in alignment with who we are. We make the one decision, and we can let go of the outcome. And I do something too where I I basically go like, "Okay, here's the obstacle. Here's the opportunity. The nose is one decision. If you make it from an obstacle, it's unhappy. Universe decided, unhappy. That's a U. If you make it from an opportunity mindset, universe is happier because it's who you are." I do that more with like kids and younger people so they can start to learn. But um that is the four O's. It's obstacle, opportunity, one decision, outcome. How do you get people to see obstacles as opportunities? Depends who it is. So, um It really me one without saying who they are. But people love celebrities. Give me one from a celebrity client you worked with where was like all they could see was the obstacle. Um I worked with someone that was doing a reinvention. He's a singer, male. Um and they were bullied so much, cyberbullied, in their career, even though they're incredibly cool. Yes. But they were like destroyed to the point where when they were relaunching, reinventing their career, they were paralyzed. Like they couldn't figure out their fashion, they couldn't figure out their music. They were associating with people that weren't really in alignment with who they were, but they like looked cool. And they had an opportunity to be on a television show, and they weren't going to do it because they didn't make them look cool enough. And they were driven by this optic of people who aren't going to buy their stuff anyways. And so, the obstacle was trying to get them to realize that uh the obstacle was them getting in their own way from being destroyed on social media. The opportunity was them uh looking at the opportunities in front of them and realizing what's important to them and that they were capable and that they could uh have a different experience and that the most important thing was who they are and the relationships in their life and long story short, they made one decision to do the show and they're social friends changed. Everything got better and it re-launched their career. They won a VMA, like everything kind of rebounded, but uh and I put that in my first book, Best Self, and it's every story in any of my books are real. Like, I'm so committed that everything has to be real that like I even will send it to the people who the stories are about even if I change their names. And in Best Self, his character was a Ralph, which was a squirrel. That was his best self. And his squirrel got him through. That's so interesting. God, I want to know people's like what they define as our best self. I could never in a million years equate my best self to a squirrel. Like, that would so demotivate me. But the fact and and I love that, right? That everybody's got their own frame of reference and and they find something interesting that I don't. Um that's really interesting. Why'd you stop working with celebrities? Ah, Lord. Um I spent so much of my life doing it. And I think that um at a certain point you know, we we we like to do what feeds our our soul. Um And I traveled the world from Malaysia to Africa to Brazil and you know, it's interesting. I 3 years ago, 2 and 1/2 years ago, I went to uh my first refugee camp in Kurdistan. And uh yeah. And then I started going back alone. And working with the government, I was going to open up a mental health clinic. end up there? Well, I went with a client of mine and the intention was we were going to try to do some work, you know, sell merch on their tour. Uh and I wanted to you know, I was in charge of like charitable efforts and I thought this was like let's go to the most underserved people on the planet. Like not on the planet, but it's pretty underserved. I mean, their husbands have been beheaded, daughters sold for sex trafficking. Like it's it's gnarly and so not the worst, I don't want to meet the worst. That's freakish. Yeah, it's freakish and I went and then I I got really passionate about it. Like I started working with the Barzanis and like going to Kurdistan and that's the government and I was going to open up a mental health clinic uh for uh where was it? The hook. And I was so obsessed with it. I like when I work with talent, I get obsessed with working with the talent. Like I get I'll write and I'll create and you know, I've helped them create tour concepts and living in their art and how they express themselves. I like I love it, right? I can play that all day and I went to Kurdistan and it was just awful and they have no therapy. None. Like there's no therapy. These women have like been moved from their homes in Syria. They're now in a refugee camp with nothing. With like kids, some of them aren't with them anymore, husband's dead. And I was like, God, these people like how could I create some hope for them? And and then I flew back to LA and I thought that I could rally all my friends and people I'd worked with to support mental health clinics in Kurdistan. What I found is publicists and a lot of people in Hollywood aren't really interested in helping people in Kurdistan, Iraq. And so I had this moment where I was like why am I trying to get famous people to do what I want to do? Like how cool would it be if I became my own vehicle? And I was the first time I had that thought. Like even back like in like Jennifer Lopez is a good friend of mine. She like tagged me on Instagram. I didn't even have Instagram. Now I'm inside I'm like, oh my god, I wish I would have Instagram, you know, cuz like I don't know. I probably would have you know, whatever. But like I didn't have that thought. I didn't understand why anyone would want to be more well-known um unless they were like you just I I got it with like musicians and stuff, but I just had worked in Hollywood for so long. I was like, why would anyone want to do this? And um and so when I came back then I was like, what if I became the vehicle? And all of a sudden such a trip. Like 2 weeks later I was throwing this charity event on a a music tour where there was a self-help meeting in every city. And in city in LA Dr. Phil spoke. And uh we connected and we got lunch and then like a week later and he asked me to go on a show. I went on a show 2 days later. Now I've been on over 40 episodes and he told me, "Mike, you need to write a book." So I wrote a book. Made New York Times. Then he's like, "You need to write another book." Wrote another book. Made New York Times. Then all of a sudden I started speaking. So this is like like this is the last 2 and 1/2 years and why stop working with celebrities? It's like I can't I can't grow my own brand and work with celebrities. I found for myself. Be- I feel too conflicted. Like I don't want to them ever to feel like "Hey, sorry. I got to go on this podcast. Love to talk to you about your relationship." You know, cuz I'm pretty loose and flexible and I make myself completely available and I just realized I could have more impact if And I have a message like and I've helped people and I And I think I also probably was just over it. Like once you start I don't I don't sugarcoat and I don't like want to like I don't And it's probably, you know, this manager used to say to me, he always said, "Mike, you're not impressed by people." And like I'm impressed, but it's not people aren't it's a very strange thing like the the the narcissism of entertainment at a certain point for me, it's just not attractive. Like I don't I don't I'm friends with some people, but it's it's I'm more interested in like the neighbor. Like I just am more passionate That's why I love being on Dr. Phil's. We don't work with celebrities. We work with everyday people who are looking for help and for me that's like and that lights me up. Well, speaking of turning people's lights on, where can they find you? Uh, coachmikebear.com is my website. Same with like YouTube. I have a podcast always evolving which you went on. Um, but yeah, building out the YouTube page. I'm doing a new series called one decision try something new where every week it's me trying something new to hopefully inspire others to try something new. Nice. Yeah, so I just did ballet. All right. Knitting, I'd never knitted before. You know, but they're kind of fun. Um, but yeah, social media same coachmikebear. Very cool. Yeah. All right, guys, trust me when I say that you're going to want to read the book. One decision is absolutely fantastic and speaking of things that are fantastic, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe and until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Change is really hard. Change is like, oh yeah, just get inspired and change. Oh, no, no, no. I mean, there are fields of study looking at change. And change has a, you know, pre-contemplative, contemplative, execution, and maintenance. The maintenance of change is what most people leave out. And most people are not able to maintain change.