Video summary
The discussion centers on overcoming mental ruts caused by shame and narcissism, particularly regarding how individuals perceive their own wins versus losses. The speakers argue that many people feel fragile or ashamed when taking pleasure in achievements because life is often performative; for instance, celebrating waking up on time can be dismissed as trivial compared to grander feats. This dynamic creates a devastating cycle where those struggling with depression or low mood are unable to recognize small victories, such as getting out of bed after days of staying in, leading them to view themselves as pitiful excuses rather than victors. The core issue identified is the tendency to turn wins into losses by beating oneself up for not accomplishing more, which introduces poison into one's life through self-criticism and guilt over perceived inadequacies. A significant portion of the conversation addresses impostor syndrome and comparison as primary drivers of this psychological distress. It is noted that individuals with impostor syndrome often attribute their own successes to luck or circumstances while attributing others' success to hard work, a cognitive distortion known as an inverse fundamental attribution error. The speakers emphasize that ego fuels these comparisons because one must have a distinct "me" and "you" to compare height or status. To resolve this, the dialogue advocates for dissolving the ego and recognizing that every human being has a unique journey shaped by specific genetics, IQ levels, circumstances, and advantages—such as having parents who can pay bills—that others do not possess. Consequently, advice from successful figures like Jordan Peterson cannot be applied one-to-one; instead, individuals must translate lessons to fit their own unique brains and lives rather than blindly following external blueprints for success. The transcript provides a crucial distinction between actions and outcomes when defining self-worth, arguing that humans can only control their actions but never the results they produce. The speakers illustrate this with examples such as studying at Harvard Medical School not guaranteeing saving a life or being an exceptional boyfriend ensuring someone falls in love; even advanced medical technology like heart transplants cannot always save a patient due to factors beyond human control, such as graft-versus-host disease. Relying on external outcomes for self-worth leads to moving goalposts and perpetual dissatisfaction because there is no end point where one feels "enough." Therefore, the only thing truly within an individual's power is their own feelings and actions; if a person cannot feel something or control it internally, they are powerless over external events like view counts, sponsorships, or comments. To separate self-worth from accomplishments effectively, two fundamental approaches are proposed: absolving oneself of failure so that success does not define one as "good" just as much as failure defines one as "bad," and recognizing the inherent limits of human agency regarding results. The speakers suggest that if a person fails at something, it does not make them a bad person, nor does succeeding make them good; these must be fundamentally untied from identity. Furthermore, research into psychedelics for trauma healing supports the idea that therapeutic improvement correlates with an "ego death" experience rather than just pleasant visual patterns, echoing ancient wisdom from yogis and Buddhists who understood that dissolving the ego leads to greater contentment. Ultimately, advancing one's life requires self-exploration to understand why specific thoughts arise, acknowledging that no single answer fits all humanity, and accepting that everyone must walk their own individual path while recognizing both their unique advantages and challenges without comparing them to others.
Read the full video transcript
it feels uh fragile and
narcissistic and shameful to take
pleasure in something which isn't Grand
because so much of our life is
performative and look at how why you oh
yeah good work man like hoay for waking
up on time today and he's like no you
like this is a thing I did a thing yeah
I I mean I I I agree in completely so I
I think there are a couple of things to
keep in mind is I think it is important
for anyone who has any kind of win to
have attitude right so I think that if
we look at all wins feel the same the
interesting thing is that we control a
lot more of how we feel about a win than
we realize and a big part of the work
that I do with creators is helping them
appreciate you know you say that you
have nothing planned for 2 million which
is cool we didn't have anything planned
for 2
million um a and also like you know the
the the joy that you create in your is
partially created by you and so for
creators it's like helping them
appreciate that they got to 2 million
which is a lot of win which they can't
see because of the way that their brain
is structured and also it's it's people
who are depressed 25-year-old Gamers who
have trouble getting out of bed who feel
ashamed of their wins and that's so
devastating just think about that right
if you're someone who's struggling to
get out of bed every day and you get out
of bed on the fifth day after struggling
and you were ashamed of your win how the
are you ever going to do anything yeah I
mean dude I'm intimately familiar with
this there would be I I thought I had
depression in my 20s I think it was
chronic uh interrupted sleep from being
in The Nightlife industry and maybe a
disposition toward low mood and
ruminative thought but I wouldn't leave
basically bed bathroom and the front
door to grab Uber Eats for you know two
days at a time curtains would be drawn
I'd Spike my blood sugar with a ton of
junk food and then fall back asleep and
then wake up and so much shame and guilt
around being like who am I to be
defeated by a ibly nothing what's going
wrong nothing's going wrong in your life
and yet you're still unable to get out
of bed and then when you finally do the
shame around what a small thing to do to
consider a win how pitiful are you that
this is something that you consider
Victorious like what a sorry excuse for
a human so that is by the way the shame
remember we talked about you got the
shame somewhere that there it is it's
probably in a number of other places but
yeah that's one of LA and and I think
that that's what's so crippling that's
what I see which is so sad and is that
see the moment that you take your wins
and you turn them into losses and beat
yourself up because you should be able
to accomplish more that is the moment
that you take the poison in your life
right because now and we see this so
there's research on people with impostor
syndrome and one of the key features
cognitively of people with imposter
syndrome is anytime they have a win they
attribute it to luck or circumstances or
effort and anytime someone else wins
they attribute it to hard work it's like
inverse fundamental attribution error if
you know what that is yes yes and and
this is It's So crippling and that's why
like it's so terrifying that you kind of
mentioned comparison it's a huge problem
so that's why like a lot of the work
that we do is about disolving your ego
because ego is what makes comparisons if
we understand why do we compare in order
for me to think you're taller and I'm
shorter there has to be a me and there
has to be a you and and what I'm really
an advocate for and this is where like
oh here I am
you know crying on the behalf of people
like Jordan Peterson who are so
successful or whatever and and I've seen
enough successful people who are
struggling on the inside and I've also
seen enough homeless people who are
content and it's amazing like that's
when you really learn about life is when
you work with the spectrum of everybody
and and I think the main thing that we
got to do is I think it's about
comparison like if you think about what
why do you not celebrate your win it's
because you're comparing against another
person but you can look at some of the
work of people like I think Robert
sapolsky he's a you know neuroscientist
and he sort of believes in biological
reduction I mean uh
determinism and and what one thing that
I've understood is that everyone has
truly unique lives no one has the same
level of genetics no one has the same IQ
no one has the same circumstances I am
where I am today because I had so many
advantages so many advantages and so
people will sometimes be like oh Dr K
you're exceptional I don't think I'm
that way I understand that from an
objective standpoint you can make that
argument but I I think it's like you you
know I didn't do anything to deserve not
being born with Cerebral policy I didn't
do anything to deserve having parents
that could have paid my bills I spent
seven years studying to become a monk in
like India and South Korea in Japan and
like I had parents who could pay for
that right and and the majority of
people don't so so all of us are just
products of our environment and I think
the more that we recognize that human
beings each have their own unique
journey and everyone has challenges
everyone has advantages and the more we
compare it doesn't work because what
worked for this person may not work for
you because you have a different brain
you have a different circumstance you
have a different life and so our
approach has always been to understand
yourself first don't worry about success
from other people and what they did I
think there's a lot of useful lessons to
learn from people who' have been on your
podcast and there's a lot of good stuff
in there but at the end of the day the
whole reason that there's a whole
self-help industry is because one person
doesn't have all the answers because not
all human beings are the same and so you
have to take all of this advice that
worked for a thousand different brains
and a thousand different lives that are
different from yours you have to
translate it to yours it doesn't
translate one to one every person has to
walk their own individual Journey do
self-exploration figure out why you have
the thoughts that pop up in the way that
you do right and I think that's why
you've you've become so successful
because you didn't I I'm sure you've
learned from lots of other people but it
looks like what you've really done is
take all of this information from people
who read a thousand research articles or
wrote a thousand research articles and
apply them to your life and that's when
things get really good when you start
applying things and looking specifically
at your life and recognizing that you
are a completely unique individual that
has never existed in the history of
humanity and that the answer to you
advancing your life is not going to be
found anywhere else bile means get
information but everything has to be
translated down to you how can people
separate their sense of self-worth from
their accomplishments
um I
mean it's a great question so I I've got
two or three different answers so the
first
is see if you can if you can absolve
yourself of your failures then you can
have self you can get rid of the
self-worth from accomplishments does
that make sense no so see if I fail at
something I'm a crap person right and
then if I succeed at something I'm a
good person so both of those have to be
separated this is where a lot of people
will focus on one but not the other so
they'll say like in in both ways right
so if I'm if I'm working with someone
who's depressed they're like I'm trying
to help this person not feel depressed
because they have failed at something
we're trying to separate the ego from
the
action so if you want to separate your
accomplishments from your selfworth like
you just have to untie both of those
things fundamentally there are two ways
to does that kind of make sense okay so
there are two fundamental ways to do
this the first is to recognize I know
sounds kind of weird but you don't
actually accomplish anything like
literally it is impossible for you to
accomplish anything so you can plant a
seed you can water it you can do all the
right things but you can't make a plant
grow so as a human being there's a very
fundamental principle that a lot of
people don't understand and I know this
is going to sound crazy you cannot all
you can do is the action you cannot
achieve any result give me an example I
can study at Harvard Medical School I
cannot save a life it is not within my
power to Save a Life like I can be the
best doctor on the planet but like I do
not nowhere does training give me the
power of Life over death or death like
you just can't do that and this is where
like another example I can be the best
boyfriend on a planet on the planet but
I can't make someone fall in love with
me I just can't do it right and this is
where some people will
disagree I really think that if you stop
and you do this very simple practice
close your eyes what can you control
Chris my movements what else my thoughts
sometimes what else my breath can you
control me no can you control who
watches this no can you control how many
views it gets no can you control what
sponsorships you're going to get or
who's going to reach out to you can you
control the comments in the comment
section definitely not like what the
right so here we are you have a
successful video and you don't control
that all you control in life is what you
do and this is paradoxically how you
become successful so it is the people
who focus on the outcome of their
actions that get screwed by it because
understand this if my if my self-worth
is focus is dependent on my outcomes
then even if I achieve what I want then
like often times I people don't feel
great even if they live up to their
expectations right it's like 1 million
and then I need two and then I need
three then I need four if you are
relying on accomplishments to determine
your self-worth it will never be
enough right CU you there's always
another promotion there's always there's
a $100,000 C there's a $300,000 car so
if your selfworth is tied to something
external it'll never be enough this is
what we call moving goalposts and it's
why human beings like if that were the
case then anyone who makes $150,000
would just be
chill but that's not how it works the
reason we think that is because we've
been conditioned we are not our
selfworth but other people's worth other
PE I'm sorry not other people's Judgment
of our worth is dependent on our
accomplishments no one gives a [ __ ]
about who you are they care about what
you do oh like you get this award
because you got a 4.0 that's why we get
conditioned in this so then we adopt
their view but that doesn't work
longterm so I think separating out and
really recognizing that if you stop and
think about it all you control is like
what you feel that is the only thing if
you cannot feel it you cannot control it
literally show me someone who can
control anything outside of themselves
and this is where people will say and
this is you know but I can say
particular things I can work harder yeah
you can do all that stuff but you don't
actually control what happens so all you
can do is take the right action and then
like you know I remember like I I
learned this because one day I was in
the emergency room and a patient came in
with three gunshot wounds and so this
person's dying right and it's like we're
going to do everything that we can but
holy [ __ ] like we don't know if this
person's going to live or die like we we
just can't do it and this is like one of
the best hospitals on the planet right
amazing attend attending This brilliant
trauma surgeon and like we just can't
save this like we don't
know and think about how advanced
medicine is think about all these tools
we have we have antibiotics and we have
MRIs and CT scans and we literally like
we can take we can take someone's heart
out of their body and we can give them
somebody else's heart and we can we can
replace your heart we can replace your
kidneys but we can't save a life there
may be graph versus host disease like
you never know so that's number one
second thing is just dissolve the ego
the moment that you dissolve your ego
which is if we look at things like you
there are even studies now of
psychedelics for example and
psychedelics and Trauma and if you look
at the studies of people who use
psychedelics for the healing of trauma
you can measure You can predict whether
there will be a therapeutic Improvement
based on the type of psychedelic
experience they have so if I see cool
colors and patterns I won't be healed if
I have specifically an ego death
experience that's what correlates with
healing so a lot of of and this is also
what the yogis and and the Buddhist
people and Buddha and all these people
figured out is the more that you
dissolve your ego the more content you
will be we'll get back to talking to Dr
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