Video summary
Dr. Becky Kennedy challenges the common misconception that stoicism means having no emotions, reframing it instead as a vital strategy for deeply feeling individuals to manage overwhelm without losing control. She introduces a powerful framework distinguishing between speaking "from" a feeling versus speaking "for" one; while children often speak from their intense feelings like anger or frustration, adults can learn to acknowledge these emotions objectively and address them constructively. Central to this approach is the idea that feelings are simply information rather than commands, much like how successful CEOs process vast amounts of data without being paralyzed by it. By viewing our internal emotional landscape as a car ride where we remain the driver while acknowledging feelings as passengers in the backseat, we can avoid letting emotions hijack our decision-making or force us to take over the wheel entirely.
The transcript highlights that many people struggle with accountability because they are constantly surprised by predictable behaviors, such as children complaining about dinner or taking a long time to get out of cars after arriving at an event. Dr. Kennedy explains that this surprise often stems from operating in "efficiency mode" during transitions rather than shifting into "connection mode," which creates friction between the parent's desire for speed and the child's need for comfort and familiarity. To regain control, she suggests identifying these specific hot spots in daily life where emotions are likely to flare up and practicing premeditation—a stoic concept of anticipating potential difficulties before they occur. By explicitly expecting certain behaviors or delays and affirming one's ability to cope with them beforehand, parents can prevent their own frustration from escalating into reactive anger that derails the entire situation.
Ultimately, the goal is not to eliminate emotions but to separate the valid information within those feelings from our immediate actions, allowing us to choose a productive response rather than acting on impulse. Dr. Kennedy emphasizes that we all make mistakes and fail at maintaining this balance sometimes, which makes repair and accountability essential skills for both adults and children. By modeling vulnerability and admitting when we lose control of the car's steering wheel, parents can teach their kids how to navigate intense feelings without being overwhelmed by them. This process transforms overwhelming emotional data into useful insights that guide better decisions in daily life, proving that feeling everything deeply does not require sacrificing one's ability to function effectively or maintain relationships with loved ones.
Read the full video transcript
I think people have this sense that like
a stoic person is a person who has no
emotions.
>> I would say that actually stoicism is a
pretty decent strategy to start thinking
about if you are a deeply feeling
person, right? Like so you have the you
have the input, you have the stimulus,
you have the the sort of overwhelm. What
you need is is strategies to help you
deal with that as we all do. And
probably the the more emotional and
triggered you are or the more highly
attuned you are to noticing things, the
more you need those strategies because
you're you're operating at a level where
all these sensors are firing all the
time.
>> One million%. Two things come to mind
when you say that. One, have you heard
of this difference this kind of
framework of speaking for a feeling
versus from a feeling?
>> No.
>> Like it it's just it's a powerful
framework. Like we see kids in general,
definitely deeply feeling kids when
they're younger. They speak from their
feeling, right? When you speak for a
feeling, right? It's kind of me over
here and my feelings over here. And I
know I'm angry and so I'm able to speak
for the anger. When you speak from
anger,
>> it's not usually so productive. So I
think we talk about kids in general, but
definitely for deeply feeling kids, if
they have such more intense feelings and
more frequent feelings, the need to seek
them for those feelings, not from is
that much more important. So that's
number one. The other thing I've been
thinking a lot about is and I've been
saying this to crowds and it's been
resonating just feelings are
information.
>> Yeah. And if you think about I don't
know the best CEOs in the world even now
the world is very overwhelming running a
company now like how do I run a company
when the whole world is changing all
this stuff about AI there's a lot of
information and and good CEOs don't say
hold on the whole AI revolution is so
overwhelming to me so just I'm going to
>> right the best CEOs take o information
that could be overwhelming and learn how
to sit with it and think with it and
tolerate it enough to then be able to
make good decisions
from it. And so when we think about
feelings that way, and I know you
obviously talk a lot about stoicism, but
it all comes together. Feelings are
information. Well, some information can
be overwhelming, but but there's a lot
of really good data that we want to be
able to pull from. So we can speak for
that information.
>> The from and for distinction is really
interesting because that's a problem
people have with stoicism, right?
They'll go, "Well, if I don't get angry
about things, how can I change things?"
Right? It feels like it's somehow either
both resigned but then also a bit sort
of selfish or privileged to go like you
know if you're saying don't don't
complain or don't get upset or don't get
angry how are we ever going to improve
things how how does an activist fight
for change and the the reality is like
what an activist is trying to do it's
too important to be angry while they are
doing it but they can be motivated from
an anger at some kind of injustice or
status quo that isn't working
>> 100% I I'm think I'm seeing three images
Right? And this is somehow also what I
often do as therapy with adults, but
it's also really helpful to give this
framework for kids. So if you think
about yourself as a driver of a car,
being the driver of a car is very
important. It's dangerous. It's high
value, right? And I think there's two
things we try to do with our feelings.
So if you think about your feelings as
backseat passengers, they're kind of
telling you information. Hey, get off
the highway. Right?
>> A lot of us were either raised to try to
kick them out of the car,
>> right? Like you're so annoying. my car
would be a lot more peaceful if you were
just out. But you can't kick feelings
out of the car. It's just a biological
impossibility. Or what happens cuz we
either try so hard to do that and we
fail is then the feelings in the back
seat take over the driver's seat.
Actually, the goal is to stay in the
driver's seat while knowing the feelings
are there as passengers, but just simply
not allowing them to be the driver or to
think of it as I'm kind of the CEO. My
feelings are on the board, but they are
not chair of the board. I am I can't
kick them out.
>> Yeah. They're board members, but they're
board members and I'm the board chair.
And I think that kind of gets to your
sense of stoicism where stoicism isn't
not having those passengers in the car,
but it is staying the driver.
>> Yeah. And the whole skill of life is to
be able to have the emotion, understand
what's behind the emotion, what's valid
about the emotion, what's, you know,
unjustified or extreme about the
emotion, and what's productive about the
emotion. And then to be able to separate
those and then decide what you're going
to do as opposed to, well, I did this
cuz I was tired or I did this cuz I was
hungry or I did this cuz I thought it
would feel good in the moment. And and
so to be able to have that feeling and
to separate it from the the action that
you end up taking.
>> All all good things in life come from
separating urgent action. It's just
increasingly hard to do, right?
>> Yes. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. And and that
like ideally you learn that when you're
a kid, but it's something you never stop
learning. And then one of the things I
try I try to be patient with my kids on
is I go like I'm just figuring like I
have 30 years more practice than you at
this and I screwed up with it this
morning.
>> So it would make sense that you like I
just I try to see my kids as as the same
as me and that like we have the same
DNA, but I just have slightly more reps
than them. Yeah. Which is why it's that
much more important to go back and
repair. Yeah. Right. We all want our
kids to be accountable. We all say that,
why aren't kids accountable these days?
Well,
>> they learn that, you know, from our
environment.
>> How accountable are you?
>> Yeah. Exactly right. Which is hopeful.
Oh, if I can repair and be accountable
more often. That might be my best
strategy to have my kids say, "Oh,
you're right. I didn't pick up the towel
from the floor." Like, that's powerful
to give that power back to yourself. So,
how do you how do you sort of spot when
you're in one of those mo like like
again so I'm saying to my son you're
you're hey you're a deeply feeling kid
this has nothing to do with you wanting
water right now like is it like or
whatever like and and the irony is he
just gets more upset but like so how do
you think about both for kids and adults
when you're like
>> hey what I'm actually feeling here and
it is interesting even this idea of like
>> feeling overwhelmed feels like a
relatively new concept like I don't
remember people talking about this when
I was a kid that like, oh no, this is
information overload or you're just
overwhelmed. How do we get better at
spotting that?
>> How do we get better at spotting the
moments when kind of the feeling took
over the driver of the car?
>> Yes.
>> You know, I guess I maybe if it's okay,
I probably shift the question a little
bit cuz I think one of the hard
realities is when the feeling takes over
the driver, there's not really in that
moment a me to notice the feeling until
it's kind of done doing its thing. You
know, that's the whole thing. I think
when you speak for a feeling, there's
me, Becky, and there's the anger.
There's two things. When the anger is so
intense and the frustration or my
jealousy that it takes over me, there's
not a me to recognize the thing. And so,
it usually has a shelf life. It kind of
runs itself out or a halfife at least,
and we're like, "Wow, what was that?"
Right? So, I guess a kind of shift is
can we become better at predicting the
moments when that tends to happen? And I
think it's one of the things I love
working with parents on the most,
especially with kids. They're like,
"Bobby complained about dinner again,
and of course I yelled at him and what
the heck, what a Tuesday night." And
this would be one of my friends. I say,
"Look, like no offense, Bobby complains
about dinner every night." Like, you've
told me this. Like, you know, we allow
ourselves all the time to be surprised
by the completely predictable. And when
you're really surprised as a parent,
that's one of those moments when our
feelings do take us over. Humans don't
like to be surprised. They really don't.
And so, we can't control everything. But
step one, I think, is actually just
thinking, okay, let me look at my day.
Are there hot spots? Can I start to
connect the dots? For a lot of families,
leaving the house is a hot spot. For a
lot of families, the transition to
dinner is a hot spot. For a lot of
families, the transition to bed is a hot
spot. And just the going to bed is a hot
spot. Basically, transitions are the
problem.
>> Transitions are really hard. They're
really hard for kids because they're
always engrossed in something where
things feel familiar and comfortable.
They're being asked to kind of leave
that situation to go to something a
little less known or a little more
uncomfortable, which by the way, we have
to ask our kids to do those things. But
when you think about it that way, yeah,
that's hard, you know, especially as a
kid. And we tend, me too, I'm not above
this, to be in efficiency mode during
those moments. And one of the things I
keep thinking a lot about is just the
difference between being efficiency mode
and connection mode. And I think
efficiency and connection are inherently
in opposition to each other.
>> Mhm.
>> And even for anyone listening to think
like which is more comfortable for me.
There's no morality to either. Just
knowing which is more comfortable
probably gives you a little insight into
which side you need to move into. So
it's really really common to be in
efficiency mode for those transitions.
So, I'm trying to get my kid to dinner
and I'm like, "Come on, like, put away
those toys. Come to dinner." Of course,
that's going to lead to my kid's bigger
reaction. Then I'm going to get
frustrated cuz I'm just trying to move
the night along. My kids trying to still
play with blocks, right? And so, even
that framework, okay, so that tends to
be a hot spot for us. My anger takes
over, my kid's frustration takes over,
we're both no longer the driver in our
car. What can I do about it? So very
simply, even before involving your kid,
to be able to finish the sentence is so
powerful as a parent. I expect blank to
happen and I can cope with that. I
expect my kid to give me a hard time
coming to dinner.
>> Yeah.
>> And I can cope with that. I expect my
kid to not listen the first time I
scream from the other side of my house,
"Put on your shoes. We have to leave
right now." And I can cope with that.
The expectation plus the reminder that
we can cope allows us to have a very
different reaction when those moments
come. It's almost bizarre. It's like,
well, my kid didn't listen. Like, you
almost feel powerful like, well, I did
kind of I kind of predicted that. You
know, you know it's coming, which is one
of the things that really allows us to
stay as a driver in the car and then be
more productive and actually getting our
kid out of the house.
>> Yeah. Why are we surprised? Like, my
kids are the slowest
>> people to ever exit a vehicle like in
the history. They're just so slow and
yet it surprises me every time and I get
frustrated by it all the time
>> and I Yeah. Like they have shown me
definitively that they do not get out of
cars quickly and yet I'm out of the car
quickly expecting them to have gotten
out and then frustrated that they're
still in it.
>> I think this is just, you know, the
inherent issue with being human. We all
can be fairly egocentric. It sounds like
when you get out of the car, by the way,
Ryan, like me, I'm like, we are parking
the car to go do something. Let me just
be clear. I'm not parking to just chill
in the car. So, I am so
>> I don't even want to do this thing. You
want to do the thing.
>> That's exactly right. I have no interest
in going to your soccer game where
you're perfectly average at best. Like,
that's not even how I want to spend my
Saturday, but that's what we're doing.
But either way, I am I'm locked in. I I
know what I'm doing. And so, we do all
and I do, too. We have a hard time
separating
>> me versus you. I want to get out of the
car right away. And even if my kid likes
soccer, they're I don't know, they're in
the car, they don't have a sense of
time. They're not thinking about being
on time for soccer practice, [laughter]
right? It's just not how their minds
work. And I think that mismatch often is
why we're kind of surprised by the
predictable, which means though there's
again something very hopeful even just
once a day. And if this is your example,
you can say, "Okay, every time I get in
the car, I'm going to make sure there's
a post-it that's just visible to me."
And it's literally just going to say
something simple. My kids are going to
be in stalling mode. My kids are going
to be in comfortable in the car mode
when we park. I expect that to happen
and I can cope with it. It will actually
change what you do. I actually bet
you'll get them out of the car faster
because you won't spend whatever we all
spend 90 seconds, 5 minutes yelling at
them about how they never listen, right?
>> It's funny how stoic that is. I mean,
there's a stoic concept of premeditio.
Do you know what this is? I think in
Latin that's just a premeditation of
evil. So Senica says you're going to go
on a journey by ship.
>> Okay.
>> What could happen on a journey by ship?
There could be a shipwreck. There could
be pirates. There could be storms.
>> There could be a quarantine. There's all
these things and and he you should know
this and you should expect those things
to happen.
>> And there's another one where Ko's going
like okay you're going to the baths.
What happens in a bath house? There's
smells and there's noises and you bump
into people and that and and I think
what you're adding to it which I really
like is is this sort of affirmation at
the end which is like and that's not a
big deal. I can handle it.