How To Become Psychologically Healthy & Attractive - Sadia Khan

there's nowhere worse than Dubai because the promiscuity in Dubai amongst men and women it's the only city in the world where the women are far more promiscuous than the men far more because what's happened to the women that come to rich cities is they come emotionally detached they come with the idea that I want to meet a rich man now that woman is completely different to the woman that comes to a city and says I want to fall in love and have kids now that emotionally detached woman who comes I want a good life is never emotionally invested and here's the mistake a lot of rich men make they seem to think that if they can support a girl and give her a good life loyalty is a given but what they're forgetting is a woman that craves a good life doesn't seek emotional intimacy she seeks financial intimacy now any woman who doesn't seek emotional intimacy is far more likely to stay what's your background for the people that don't know you uh my name is Savia I am a relationship coach I used to be a psychology teacher I studied psychology and then I went on to do my masters in psychother therapy and education so I was teaching psychology for many many years in London and Dubai and then only about a year ago about a year or so ago I decided to kind of give a little bit of the relationship advice that I learned in in my studies I thought let me just post one or two videos and because it seems like there's a gap of understanding in the market I just saw so many podcasts teaching the wrong things so I thought let me just give a little bit of advice and uh um it kind of went a little bit big on social media so now I I stopped teaching and I've gone into full-time um relationship coaching what is it that you see on the internet with regards to relationship advice that was the most egregious what were people getting most wrong that led a fire under your psychology background um I think what I couldn't understand is why we were pitting men and women against each other I couldn't understand that batt I didn't understand what positive outcomes could ever come from making men think women are users and abusers and they're awful and women thinking men are dangerous and aggressive and cheats I couldn't understand um where this anger and hostility was coming from and more so I didn't understand how it's going to benefit people by thinking like this so I just wanted to debunk some of this kind of uh the Zeitgeist to just kind of hate the opposite gender why do you think that has become so prevalent I think what's happened is firstly it's great for clickbait it's fantastic for like because lonely people are attached to what they see on the internet the most so when you're saying something that triggers the people that have been hurt they are going to share repost watch Etc so when we tap into vulnerable people or people who've been broken and hurt we're going to get more views we're going to blow up quicker and easier so I think tapping into you know online success they want to divide and conquer that's always a best strategy the other thing is is that a lot of people actually haven't had relationship experiences especially the younger generation they haven't had that much experience so they learn a lot of it from watching online and watching memes and so on and so forth so I think it's become people's template they use the internet as a template for relationships if they been modeled it at home and as a result that's why they stick to the the information that they're getting online I tweeted literally just before we got started the cynicism safety blanket cynicism is a guarded response you're setting yourself up against disappointment its role within the system is to protect you against experiencing anything bad it is a preemptive strike against a perceived threat if I tell myself that all women are bad then I'm less likely to seek relationship with women and as a consequence I'm never going to feel the pain of rejection if I tell myself that everything is [ __ ] or that things will never get better then I'm excused of ever having to try anything it's more comfortable to get fatalistic and call it pragmatism the cope is framing hope as pathetic and embarrassing and optimism as delusion it's sour grapes at an existential level if everything sucks and everyone is horrible and reality is disappointing and you know that for a fact it's the people acting like things can be better that are dumb delusional and the problem the upside of never having to feel the pain of failure that's a very impressive post Chris what can I say uh my point being my point being being that I think if someone we we have a a generalized risk aversion at the moment young people are getting their driving license later they're having less casual sex they're drinking alcohol less they're taking fewer drugs they are starting getting jobs later in life every it's slow life strategy everything is getting pushed out because people don't deal with risk particularly well and you know even if you're a sigma male JY emo it's still the same on your side too that you're prepared to do hard things but only within the bounds of what you consider to be acceptably hard and yeah this adversarial relationship or nature that's being sort of posited as men and women are each other's enemies something that I've noticed um and the same thing goes for I guess people just being concerned about okay what what does the future hold I will take all of my cues about this from the internet yeah exactly that what happens is especially when we have low self-esteem um when we've got low self-esteem the ego has to find ways to defend itself we need to defend our ego because we don't have pure self-love and self-esteem and the quickest and easiest way to defend your ego is by rejecting what may reject you if I quickly say oh who wants ABS I don't have to go to the gym if I quickly say oh God men are trash I don't have to work on myself to sustain a positive relationship if I quickly reject what I believe will reject me I then defend myself against the possibility of any kind of new trauma so it's usually a trauma response but really it's steming from low self-esteem and I I that's what it screams to me when I see these people who are trying to divide men and women and almost take pleasure out of insulting the opposite gender I I just never understood it shared hatreds are much more cohesive than shared loves and getting people to bind together over the mutual distaste of an outgroup is significantly easier than the mutual love of an ingroup which is why there are incentives online for creators to do this exactly that because here's the thing not every Creator is trying to change your life for the better most creators are trying to sell you something they're trying to get popularity they designed to polarize they're designed to kind of make it online and uh you know and anybody could say the same for me they're saying like oh you're trying to you know blow up and all this stuff which I I hope people know that's not really the intention but the reality is most creators are creating they're not actually healing and the problem is they appeal to the young Market because there's a gap the older psychologist who understand all the academic references and all of those things they don't understand the young Market of dating and because of that huge gap the young people are thinking I don't need to go to an expert I'll just go to this podcast with that guy and this girl and they'll tell me because they get it they don't get it they just get you they get what you're going through and want to manipulate your vulnerabilities in order for you to become a consumer of this I've heard you say that current dating is just practicing for divorce what's that mean it means you're learning the tools and skills required to recover from a breakup rather than how to maintain a marriage so you are learning how to make somebody jealous how to move on quickly how to meet somebody new how to play hard to get how to play games how to essentially ensure your relationship will not make it through the tough times you're not learning how to sustain and maintain and how to uh debunk some of the behaviors in yourself that are toxic to the relationship you're just learning how to categorize every EX of yours as a narcissist but not about what behaviors or traits in you attract or even are narcissistic so I think the current dating climate is purely how do I move on how do I protect myself how do I not get to aach catch flights not feelings that culture is what we're being taught I guess this is similar to what we said before the risk aversion the guarded response exactly that that's what it is I mean in your opinion have you noticed that as well like from a man's perspective I mean I've noticed it as a woman because I remember trying to share something positive about men um and I couldn't find a meme online I was looking and scrolling I was trying to find something to show how lovely it is when you're loved by a man and I scrolled for hours and hours and I couldn't find anything but when I try and look for a meme that will say men are this men are that within a second and that was my wake up moment because I was just like even if I wanted to say something positive about my partner I can't find anything online um and then I realized that it is a culture of getting you to hate men is it the same in for men do you find that the same kind of cultures being trying to be breeded certainly in terms of men having distaste for women uh you know like don't worry King you don't need her she's just a hoe in any case like Sigma Sigma male memes are bound yeah there's a lot less positivity from Men to Men generally right I think that there are still Pro women women cohorts yeah but there are fewer pren male cohorts and um you know that's partly just because of the trend everyone says like women will give their give people compliments and not mean them men will take the piss out of each other and not mean it it's yeah that kind of balance but it it can mean you know think about Jordan Peterson right why he came onto the scene so much and he he used to tear up all the time telling the same story which was these men have never had a positive word told to them their entire lives they've never been encouraged they've never been told that they are worthy of Love or acceptance or praise or validity or any of that yeah why did that message resonate because so many men felt and still do feel like no one sees them that life can be hard that they do have emotions that they do want to open up that they do need support that they do want to be praised in a way and because there is nothing deeper I think because there is still uh a challenge in maybe men opening up themselves is some of the boundaries of that have been broken but the boundaries of men responding to men that have opened up definitely still exist in a massive massive way so okay what are the ways in which I can get some validation from the world well success money cars education women status Prestige dominance aggression you know all of these they're like proxies for what a lot of men want and that's not to say I want all of those things as well right but they're proxies for what men Miss I think more spiritually and and existentially yeah I absolutely agree I feel like in in my work when I've worked with men who have turned to um prostitution and who have turned to pornography addiction um a lot of the time especially when they turn to prostitution or even just a gold digger um they're so hurt when she doesn't like them back so they're not paying for sex they're actually paying for intimacy and I always tell them you can't buy intimacy you can't buy it this girl you can buy her bag and you can have sex with her but you're craving connection and that is something you can't buy and the reason they're craving connection is because a they don't know where to find it and also they're being told if they do look for connection they're a simp that word simp gets thrown around so we've almost shamed men for wanting and craving connection and I can say in honesty the men that cheat the men that turn to pornography the men that turn to escorts I'm very non-judgmental because I understand behind every self-sabotaging Behavior there is a need that has not been met for a real long time and for that need to be met they turn to self-destructive Behavior as a coping mechanism so um I definitely think that we've got a crisis of men seeking intimacy but believing that it's wrong and the culture and the internet is also teaching them that it's wrong so they're secretly craving and then secretly finding uh Outsourcing it in the wrong ways sing for women is wanting emotional connection but somehow buying her a bag and flying her all over the world is not sing and that's the alpha male way to do stuff it seems like the bar turned yeah okay so you you've said current dating is just practicing for divorce there's a lot of talk about the fragility of long-term relationships and and divorce rates going up you've actually done some research looking at what predicts divorce what did you find well I have to give credit where credit's du but the the most long-standing Research into uh marriage and relationships was by the Gutman institution and they did the most scientific and objective analysis of relationships and they studied 10,000 couples in a lab over a couple of days and they were able to predict with 80% accuracy which couples would stay together and which ones would get divorced within a year and it was so simple what they were able to find and it was simple thing as responding to each other's bids for connection what I mean by this is when we have a partnership where one person comes home and expresses an emotion the other one picks up on it that partnership has the uh base levels to last a really long time so it could be a simple thing like you come home from work and say I'm so tired and your partner says why what's wrong simple connection from that connection they trust each other and then they start to lean into each other but if you come home and you're like I'm so tired and your partner either says nothing or says why are you tired I'm the one that's been with the kids all day or what have you done all day I've been at work all day that turning away from each other's emotional needs is the training ground for divorce they are now setting themselves up for divorce and it might not happen today it might not happen tomorrow it might last another 10 15 years but we get emotionally exhausted by having Partners who reject our kind of advances for connection and eventually the relationship ends why is it the case then the divorce rates are rising if that's the biggest predictor if that's 80% accuracy of being able to predict why has that specific trait changed so much over the last 50 years distractions distractions distractions distractions there are alternatives to everything even if you want to meet meal you'll have 50 alternatives on Uber Eats you want to go out to eat there's 50 places that you could go you want to watch something there's 50 Alternatives or what to watch there are so many alternatives to every single aspect aspect of life that it makes it almost impossible to invest in one everybody and everything becomes disposable so what's happening is when your partner comes home a bit tired or stressed maybe in the past you'd pick up on it but now you're on your phone or maybe when your partner wanted to watch a series that you didn't care about in the past you may have been like okay it's fine it's I'll just get on with it there's nothing else on now like you watch this I'm going to watch that there are so many alternatives to everybody and every every person is now becoming so disposable that we can no longer have the patience to invest in people's emotional needs and we're becoming so hedonistic that our emotional needs come first and we're being taught this in society more and more we talked we always talked about put you first self-esteem self assurance self ization the word self is kind of programmed in our psyche and the collectivism that we used to have as a societ is gone so we're no longer getting happiness from somebody else's happiness it's a it's a selfish Pursuit now unfortunately isn't it strange that the trait of focusing not on somebody else's desire for connection is causing you to turn inward that is causing divorces to increase down the line which means that people respond to that by being more defensive by being more guarded and more cynical which makes them turn further inward which makes them less of an eligible partner to the next relationship which then just creates a cycle that then gets broadcast onto the internet people who haven't had much experience in relationships because they're young or because they fail out or because they're concerned or or nervous or a averted to risk use that as their proxy and say right well I'd better enter into this relationship guarding myself so that I don't get hurt which makes it more likely that it's going to break and the cycle just continues it's exactly that what happens is we're actually entering relationships with our armor up but in the process of playing those games like not texting back uh not getting too close not attaching not telling them that you miss them not telling them that you love them you are training somebody to love you in the wrong way if I'm somebody who's needy and I actually need lots of love and reassurance but I don't want to text first and I don't want to be looking need and I don't want to say I miss you because I'm going to wait for him I'm then teaching him that I'm cool calm and collect and I don't care when I hear from him if I see you I see you but then he's under he's not getting the training ground of what I truly want he's not getting access to my true needs so I am now no longer communicating effectively I actually teaching him how to love in in a very avoidant and dismissive manner because I'm pretending to be cool when really if I say look I I need to speak to my partner on a daily basis I like to see you regularly I love you I miss you what is this I like labels when I start communicating my needs he will actually learn how to love me but we're teaching people to do the opposite we're teaching people to pretend that they're somebody else and especially pretend that they're avoidant pretend that they're independent depend that they pretend that they don't have these needs so essentially we're going to attract the wrong partner what else have you found that is a predictor of a toxic or a negative or a declining relationship uh criticism over praise um again with the research uh one of the things that they mind is partners that last are ones that praise a substantial amount compared to criticism so they scan the environment to kind of Praise their partner they'll look for excuses to praise their partner like even if it's as simple as like um you make the bed so good every time I come home the house is clean these tiny things any opportunity to praise their partner but what happens in relationships that end is they can't remember the last time they complimented each other they think it should be a given uh they think well you know I think you're pretty because I'm with you AR I or you know I'm grateful that you pay the bills like I'm you're a guy why do you need compliments men are craving this I've noticed a lot in in my practice the men that often have affairs they're not actually seeking sex they're seeking a woman that compliments them they say they can't remember the last time a woman told them that he looks great whereas for women we our partner says it but also our friends will tell us people will tell us yeah we we're always being told when beautiful or whatever it is uh but for men if their partner doesn't tell them nobody does so when they meet somebody who simply tells them they look good they they they're intelligent something to validat them they immediately become attracted to that because they're starved of it so praise is something that I think couples forget how important it is I suppose that the game playing and the Rivalry that sometimes happens in relationships as they start to go downhill that makes this situation worse because you're going to praise somebody that you think is your rival or that you're trying to play games with or that you're unsure about the level of trust that you should put in them well well whoever you don't feel safe with thing is all of these things that I'm saying they only come when you feel safe now simple things like liking other girls pictures or following people now makes people feel super unsafe super super unsafe so they guards go up I know people that the moment they add somebody on Instagram and they see who they're following they might have had a really great date with them everything was great but then they look on their following oh straight away insecurities guards everything so we're now unfortunately in an environment where you're thrown into the deep end all your insecurities can now come alive through the use of social media so people are going into relationships ready for it to fall apart you've done a ton of work on trauma you've mentioned that word maybe a couple of times already I live in Austin Texas Austin Texas is the sort of place where when I walk into a sauna someone is talking about their trauma work that they've just done and an MDMA hamine therapy assisted sound bath in South America and it's got me a little turned off from the word I trauma is a big deal I've had guys on that run psychedelic assisted therapy for PTSD for veterans but what is bollocks and what is not bollocks in the world of trauma where are people getting out over their skis where is it truthful well here's the thing there's trauma and then there's stress stress is situational yeah it happens you have a response to the to what's going on and you're stressed about it how you know something is trauma is their response is disproportionate to the scenario that suggests that there is a pre-existing wound Something's Happened before you came along that's made them hyp sensitive about this situation and their response is disproportionate so whenever somebody's response is disproportionate to the scenario there's potentially a wound now I am personally of the opinion that for me personally all the holistic kind of things don't necessarily work on me I wouldn't really go do iosca and I wouldn't really be able to just do a bunch of affirmations for me personally that doesn't work I from from my experience and personally and I I would love to hear what you what you think as well for me the only way to outdo trauma is to make better decisions in life your trauma is kind of going to be always leading you to self-destructive paths it's always going to lead lead you towards self-sabotage your trauma is going to teach you to live for today and not worry about tomorrow it's going to tell you to spend the money in the casino it's going to tell you to pay for that escort it's going to tell you to just just indulge but when you stop and you think start valuing yourself and making good effective decisions you're going to beat that trauma that trauma is like a devil inside of you telling you to almost kill yourself through vices but when you stop and you take control and you say I am going to make good decisions I'm going to take self-control you defeat the trauma all the other types of Therapies in for me personally I I I really don't like to knock anything because everybody's different it doesn't work for me sitting in the mirror telling myself I'm amazing it doesn't work I can sit there and say you're gorgeous you're beautiful I'm never going to believe that but if I say get to the gym don't eat carbs for today don't eat sugars after this time I don't care what my trauma is telling me I'll start to feel more beautiful but telling myself affirmation doesn't work on me what about for you what works well for you um so I don't know with regards to the trauma thing but certainly in terms of what makes me feel better I have to change my mind with the body so if I don't train if I don't get sunlight if I don't move if I get cold and hot within a day I feel phenomenal I went to uh sa and cold plune place that I love here in Austin called kuya and I took a bunch of friends from the UK there yesterday and we did maybe two rounds of of heat and cold and you get out of the cold tub after wanting your life to end for quite a while and one of the guys said dude I challenge anybody that's having a bad day to do that and not feel amazing after you finished so for me changing the mind with the body is a good place to start trying to think your way out of overthinking is like trying to sniff your way out of a cocaine addiction it's just not it's not going it's not gonna work yeah ex you're not gonna find the solution there and there's lots of research that suggest that as well people think they get an anxious thought they start thinking their way out of it and now they're trapped with their thoughts and traumas the reality is I most research shows that it's actually in your body the anxiety exists in your body so by changing your bodily State rather than your mental state will actually help so like you said the the plunges and so you take like cold baths and stuff like that would that work and it work abely yeah yeah forred it's the most it's the most reliable way to increase dopamine and then to keep it at a relatively good level before it tapers off so most most of the time there's sort of this dopaminergic sees Sal so you will get some but on the other side you're going to pay for it kind of like going out and drinking and then you have a hangover that's kind of how the dopam energic system works but cold exposure is one of the few things that allows you to get that increase and then it'll slowly taper back down to Baseline without you having to pay this overdraft in a way so it's a very reliable way to to improve dopamine so going back to the trauma thing yeah what are some of the common trauma patterns that show up in people's behavior or or there's a mindset that many people may hold is there a common relationship between something that somebody believes and a common trauma that has gone through in their past yeah and and I think one of the things people always believe they're far more unique than they are especially in relationships they always say to me they get to a session they're like oh you're never going to hear anybody like this I have to tell you this and I asked two questions and I can answer I can tell them their predict their exact behavior and what trauma basically is it's not necessarily that you abused or you're attacked or anything like that essentially you had needs that were not met as a child in some way shape or form and children we're not designed to detach from our parents because we can't survive by being detached from our parents so we won't ever stop loving our parents who don't meet our needs but we do start Lo stop loving ourselves we stop investing in ourselves because we we're thinking that we're not worthy of investment and it's all unconscious so what happens in relationships is they go into the relationship with the preparation that this person's going to hurt me so I have two choices I either cling on to them for dear life and hold on to them and I can almost live in their skin and monitor their behavior and try and control everything they do and become preoccupied with them and watch when they're last online and just think think think about them all day every day just so they don't leave me but in that desperate attempt to kind of keep them we end up suffocating them and fighting with them to keep them and the relationship ends or you can go down the other route which is to become compl completely independent completely avoidant dismiss emotionally detached emotionally guarded and um almost have a partner there but act as if they don't exist have a separate room don't get invest too much maybe have alternative Partners here and there and have the avoidant room which I'm sure you've come across before so we either go extreme anxiety or extreme dismissal and avoidance and that is really the two trauma responses when it comes to relationships when you're looking at trying to fix somebody's attachment what are the places that you start at um the first thing I always ask them to remember is your anxiety or your defense mechanism is not symbolic of love what happens is people seem to think if they're preoccupied with someone and they're thinking about them all day every day and they're trying to control their behavior and they're watching them I must be in love I can't stop thinking about this person I know he's toxic I know he's not good for me but I can't stop thinking I'm watching when he's online they mistake that preoccupation as they think I must be in love with that person when really it's a signal it's a signal to show that your trauma alarm has been activated this person is not soothing you or you are finding the problems in this relationship but either way it's not a symbol a symbol of love it's a symbol that something's wrong it's a signal that you haven't been able to soothe yourself or this relationship is not soothing so we have to dissect which one it is is it the person or is it your own anxieties so we start with their response or could be a man that says she's really great I love her she's done nothing wrong she's perfect but I don't really care about her I don't really like her I don't know I need space she feel I feel suffocated but when she leaves I really miss her and I always get her back but when she's with me I always end up texting other girls that's still a a trauma response there's a part of you that's craving distance but intimacy at the same time so we look at it and we try and relabel the behavior because the avoidant will think I don't care and the anxious will think I'm obsessed and I care too much both of them our defense mechanisms that Dynamic of the guy with the girl when he gets the girl it's too suffocating and when he's away from the girl he's wistful and wishes that he could get her back is a dynamic that I have seen so so many times why is that so common what is it that's going on inside of the male brain that's causing that well it would be a lot of men think it's just the chase they like the Chase and once they've got conquered they no longer like the girl there's an element of that and that does happen but majority of the time it's when the man had emotionally distant parents when the parents didn't take the time to truly get to know them and be truly there for them in terms of their emotional needs what happens is they assume nobody's going to be there for their emotional needs and the best way the ego defends itself is saying I don't need anybody to be there for my emotional needs I don't need to talk about my feelings I don't need to connect I don't need someone in my space all the time so they replace what they didn't get with what they don't want and so when they meet somebody who's trying to emotionally connect with them they label it as I don't need this go away leave me alone and they'll distance themselves distance distance but when she leaves they're in pieces so they obviously do need it they just don't know how to navigate this need with alongside their trauma so they end up pushing away the very people that they love and are trying to love them and they attract clingy Partners what happens is the avoidant person always attracts the clingy because if a distant independent person met another distant independent woman they don't have the glue to keep them together so they also don't feel validated by somebody who doesn't care to see them but when they meet that clingy partner they get the validation that I'm loved but then they don't have to put in the work because they know they'll she'll love you and cling on to you regardless so the clingy and the distant are always together one of the other common archetypes I think that I'm seeing at the moment are people who continue to Crave validation even once they're in a relationship this is facilitated by social media obviously the fact can get um let say you have an argument with your partner and then you decide to post a thir trap photo or you decide to start following a bunch of different girls is it cheating uh well we don't really have any rules around relationships to say you know if you went out and had sex with somebody that's definitely cheating but this is more kind of passive aggressive Global I'm just going to do it I've got an excuse if they do bring it up it's because of their insecurity they almost deserve it because we just had this argument and it's kind of there's a lot more degrees of Freedom between in a relationship and out of a relationship and everyone can [ __ ] about in the middle section there what is it or why does certain people crave this chaos within relationships and this sort of validation outside of them because they've lost touch with themselves and what I mean by this is if I've had a fight with my partner and my instinct is to go message another man am I doing it because I want like this other man and I want to speak to this other man or am I just trying to even out the playing field of this fight am I just trying to even out the score now when you're so in touch with yourself and you love yourself and you go what happens when you love and trust yourself is you go by what you truly desire you're not trying to win a game what you truly desire you don't post a picture online to get the to get comments because you're not in the mood you just had to fight with your partner but when you're playing a game it's game on every time you've annoyed me game on so when I speak to people and clients especially they'll say oh you know he's just been liking another girl he hasn't called me in a couple of days I'm going to go see my ex I'm like but just stop do you want to see your ex or are you doing this because you're upset he hasn't called you because if you want to see your ex go ahead and do it but if you're doing it because he hasn't called you you are not connected to yourself you don't respect or love yourself you don't know yourself you are going by what he's making you feel but take back the control go by what you want to do and if you want to see that ex CU you would do that even even if this partner didn't annoy you then listen to yourself but if you if it's purely to even at the score I promise you you're going to leave with shame and guilt and shame and guilt are the two worst emotions a human being can feel because you direct that anger at yourself and it's it chips away out a self-respect so that's why I think people turn to autones they've lost touch with their authenticity are you from a Muslim background I am yeah I am Muslim I'm Pakistani Pakistani so we grow up Muslim yep and grew up in the UK and now live in by yes okay given that very traditional in some regards upbringing in terms of the values that you've been raised with yeah what are your thoughts and what are your insights around this current trend of um applauding childlessness and demonization of motherhood that we're seeing coming from certain corners of women's advice at the moment it's h do you know what I have to say it's so alien to me because when you are from my culture our parents live for their kids this is all we see so what will happen I remember when I used to go to school with you know my friends are English and they'd say oh my mom and dad are going on holiday or my mom and dad are going to restaurants I'm like my mom and dad don't go and do anything without us they just literally they they just live for the kids and their money is saved for the kids wedding days and everything is just like the kids the kids the kids they they Senter around probably too much around the children so my culture was always like life starts when you have kids kids what are you going to do other than that that's what life is about and then growing up in an English world where it's slightly more do what makes you happy do what makes you happy now I think the balance is do what gives you a purpose now nothing gives you more of a purpose in life than when you have children because their soul existence psychological and physical depends on you and I'm not saying do it because you want to you know feel loved or anything but it's the only thing that will exist when you die so when you don't have children it's very difficult to see how all this loving memories and intelligence and experiences you've had and not be able to pass that on to somebody wouldn't you if you've had a fulfilling life want to then pass that Legacy and keep yourself alive throughout the generations and I think what's happened is we're so pleasure seeking that we the only thing that is guaranteed is death and the only thing me and you both know is that we're going to have a funeral now if on that funeral there are still remnants of you that's a life that's a beautiful life and it's going to continue forever you don't truly die when you have kids but when on your funeral there's nobody but you got to travel 100 countries and you got to sleep with every man you wanted that day is going to come for all of us and that's the only day we're guaranteed we prepare for it by leaving a legacy because that's what we're designed to do so when we reject that there must be some kind of trauma somewhere and you know me I think my answer to everything is always some kind of trauma but I do think there's some kind of rejection to your true needs because we're designed to survive and reproduce so if those things we're rejecting there's some disconnect with your true needs I think what it shows is just how powerful culture can be the fact that you're right two things right survival and reproduction culture as of yet hasn't been able to step in and encourage people to throw themselves in front of open traffic but it has been able to step in and uh how would you say like perturb someone's natural inclination toward having kids I think my sort of viewpoint on it is that there's a lot of alternative things that people can do uh there is this slow life strategy and it the costs of having children are immediate and obvious it's going to stop you from traveling to Bley whenever you want it means that you're going to not be able to wear those cute heels that you intended on wearing it means that you're maybe going to get stretch marks and maybe you're going to have to your body is going to gain weight and maybe blah blah blah so all of the costs are upfront and all of the benefits are kind of down the line and even mothers in the moment the momentto moment experience of their life isn't that pleasurable but it's very meaningful and in a society and a culture that optimizes pleasure above everything else individualistic atomized compartmentalized honic maximization every single second trying to say here is a reason that you should sacrifice all of the things right now that you love in society says that you should enjoy for something which is in the moment going to be very and may pay off some dividends down the line and none of your mates are doing at the moment so there's no mimetic sense of oh well you know I've got this culture of young women that are having kids for every person that doesn't decide to have kids that's another person that isn't influencing the people around them to have kids and you get this sort of runaway effect like that are not numbering from covid so I I I see that I really do see that at the moment there's been a lot of talking that's why I flew to next to your uh country of residence debate about this sort of crisis of masculinity that we're facing at the moment do you think there's a crisis of femininity at the moment do you think that women are struggling for good Role Models right now I do think so and you know I I know from my personal experience I don't have a role model online I don't have a role model and if I do have any kind of role models it will just be like uh some of the men in the field that have done really great work in Psychology but I can't tell you there's a single woman that I've ever watched growing up and thought I want to be like her and that not that's not because there's anything wrong with the women out there maybe it's my values don't connect with current environment but what I would love to see is how we can Embrace every part of being a woman I just loved I love being different to a man I have no desire for complete equality with a man it just doesn't make me feel good knowing that I can do everything a man can do because I'd rather what's the point of you if we do everything the same I'd rather you complete the areas of my life where I'm deficient and I complete areas of your life where you're deficient and when I was you know living in England and working around English environment and stuff there was such a dis what I found with feminists and uh particularly in the English environment there's no specimen of human being that is more privileged than the English white woman in my exper there's no human on this planet that is more privileged than the English white woman and when I used to see how much they would complain about the oppression they experienced and I just thought to myself you definitely still have more rights than somebody like my father who's got a bit of an accent and he's definitely Muslim and stuff like that you definitely have more of a privilege than him and you definitely have more of a privilege than you know this the Caribbean guys or the Nigerian guys or the Muslim guys when you go to the airport you definitely have a privilege but because people are so almost dying to be a victim they would complain about such small things I remember like being in school and the teachers would complain like oh God the music here is too many male artists that's that's inequality and I just thought you don't know what suffering is you haven't experienced it but you want to because it gives you meaning and purpose and so I felt and this is probably going to sound bad but I felt like it was the most privileged members of society complaining about being oppressed when they haven't seen true oppression and and I always say to feminists that you know from that background like do do you want the Privileges of men or do you want the Privileges of white men because I promise you if you're an a white woman you don't want to have the same treatment as a black man when you're pulled over by the police or by the airport staff as a Muslim man with a beard are you sure you want to be treated like a man or you just want to be treated like a certain type of man because I promise you you're very privileged and I felt it even as a woman with what like I have pretty much white skin I feel incredibly privileged so I felt like it's not a gendered thing it's a class thing you have more privileges through your class and your skin tone and your appearance than you do have gender so I just didn't understand the battle and that's what led to my disassociation one of the other problems I think is that a lot of the women that espouse this sort of victimhood narrative and say things like we need to smash the patriarchy and chivalry is dead because we don't need men they are luxury beliefs that are held by women who are sufficiently financially able and live in a society that is fine for them now yeah I'm totally open to believing that a high-powered female psychologist or lawyer or attorney or whatever uh maybe doesn't need to have the man pay for the first date or hold the door open for her or make sure that she gets home safe or whatever because that's she she is absolutely fine consider for a second the woman that is on benefits living in some rundown C counselor state in the northwest of the UK who maybe the partner that she's with didn't even complete secondary school maybe he has no gcses he had an absent father home no one ever taught him how to be a man perhaps those codes of chivalry weren't constraining to him they were assisting like things it is one as far as I can see it is one Continuum from you should make sure that your date gets home safe to you shouldn't hit your wife like it is a single Continuum all the way down that there is an asymmetry in the safety that men and women have and as soon as you start to open that door this isn't me saying that like if women want to walk home safe they like in 20 years time they're going to be hit but my point is that as soon as you accept the fact that there are certain things that men can offer that women can't as soon as you take those away Men start to ask the question well why should I bother doing this and this and this and this and this and it start The Dominoes begin to Tumble so a lot of these opinions are held by women for whom they are never going to be affected by the bad externalities of doing it it's the luxury belief of all of the people that live in gated communities With Private Security saying defund the police each [ __ ] bro like each [ __ ] it's got [ __ ] all to do with you this has got nothing to do with your life this is you being able to prosze about how much you uphold the the underclass and the working class that are being persecuted by police that come through their neighborhood you don't live there you don't deal with these problems it's exactly that here's what it is here's what it's like you know when you're watching a great football match and you're it's so engrossed in it you almost want to wish you supported a team I don't watch football but when I watched the World Cup final I was wishing I was which whichever team I was like whoever scored I was on their team I wanted to be part of that Glory because at least you you feel alive now when you're not involved in any kind of Oppression any kind of cause any kind of anything you start to lose purpose when you're watching a boring football match you start noticing how cold it is how [ __ ] the food is but when you're watching something so exciting you forget all of that and you feel alive what I see when I see these incredibly incredibly privileged women fighting for women's rights it's like they've watched um they've watched the trauma of other people and they so want to feel alive because human nature is designed for survival when you've got it so easy you still crave meaning and purpose you still crave kind of some kind of uh hostility so they jump in the fight that they actually a don't need and B they're already so privileged and when I see these kind of feminists who are arguing about men's rights and putting men down when while they live this most amazing life what it screams to me is you're dreaming to have a meaning and purpose you want to be on that football match you want to be in that boxing ring and because you don't have it you're going to identify with the people that do and almost have a pseudo oppression and that's what it looks like to me you are so I'm so grateful to be a woman especially growing up in the west speaking English do you think I would be here speaking to you if my English accent was doesn't like this what a privilege I have so to see those people who have this complain that they're oppressed it it's laughable because I'm from a different world when I go back to Kashmir it's laughable to me because women gender rights don't matter when you haven't got food on the table given the fact that there is a challenge perhaps even the women who are performatively doing this victimhood by proxy thing they would probably like to have better role models and better values to focus on in your opinion what what are the things that can predict a healthy psychology for a woman what where are the places that affirm that she could stand uh that would make her life better and would also make the lives of the people around her better I think the key I know I talk a lot about how everybody's similar but in the sense that everybody's also different is authenticity here's a trick for mental health as a woman you remain completely and utterly authentic IC and you can't know that if you jump on other people's bandwagons if you imitate the culture around you if you imitate the PE other people's experiences if you adopt values that you haven't actually experienced so a lot of feminists will say oh oppressed men men workplace and then I'll say to them who oppressed you at the workplace oh my boss she was a [ __ ] I'm like she was a [ __ ] yeah the guy was great the manager was great he was lovely but the woman so I'm I'm asking them what is your lived experience is it really that men have been oppressing you no they've never actually you treating me that badly right the moment you lose touch with your authenticity you start living in a delusion and when we live in a delusion we are are almost we're just it's a predictable slow and steady suicide emotionally and psychologically so start to live according to your authenticity what do you truly want well do you truly want to sleep with this guy to look cool and act like a bad [ __ ] no you don't how do you feel afterwards I feel [ __ ] so why are you doing it do you really want to text your ex after a fight with your boyfriend no but I just want to get even why are you doing it do you truly want to post that picture of you out there and just have to deal with DMS all day and do you truly feel good when you post on that only fence no but I just want a bag what do you want to do with that bag I don't know I don't even use them stay in touch with your authentic self I Promise You Secure to any psychological or mental health issue do the equivalent but for men I'm sorry do the equivalent that you've just run through there but for men the authenticity side I would say it's similar to the I would say same thing for men I think if you want strong psychological Health slightly different what I would say for men the key for a man is self-control for women it's authenticity you have to stay authentic as possible because our body tells us so much our body will tell you when you're craving a child when you're getting angry at when you're getting hostile because the hormones are all over the place for a man your body sometimes speaks against you it will Crave You Know pleasure all the time your key to successful mental health is complete and utter self-control in terms of your mind body and soul you control what you consume you don't watch everything you don't go into every desire you control who you put yourself into you don't go and sleep with every single one everyone anyway you actually gain far more self-esteem when you reject women than when you go when you accept women there is that man that has a women that he's rejecting feels far greater than that man who can't say no to anybody because he's jumping at the opportunities self-control even with what you eat when I have clients that come to me and they've got a bit of depression I don't I I say to them until you go to the gym and until you lose weight there's no conversation that me and you can have that will change your self-esteem it won't do it because me and you can have a great conversation but when you go and take a shower or when you go and get undressed in front of a woman everything I've said to you won't mean anything so self-control with what you eat go work out don't have to have a sixpack but self-control now when a man practices self-control he becomes such an unshakable being because no none of his friends can make him drink alcohol if he doesn't want it no woman can make him spend money on her if she he doesn't want to no gambling machine can make him waste money if he doesn't want to he becomes indispensable as a man so self-control I really believe is the root of a man's self-esteem I think one of the interesting circles that's difficult to square in some of the corners of men's advice at the moment is that self-control and self-mastery are a big deal that you should train hard you should be disciplined you should get up on time do your cold plunge and your sauner and your gym workout and work on your business and read and be able to quote Marcus aelius but as soon as you have a plethora of women that are in front of you you should sleep with as many as you want so self-control and self Mastery stop at the boundaries of the penis which is a an odd sense of the most dangerous place to stop because children key word the most dangerous place to stop your self-control is D is your penis because your penis is responsible for life now if you don't Master self-control when it comes to who you're having sex with you are now in a we're living in a times where pregnancies everything favors women you get the wrong woman pregnant that for the rest of your life you are tied to this woman and you can go to jail for not paying child support for a woman who might even be lying who might not even you might not even be the father of a child that's what a risk having sex with low quality or low quality people means you risk the rest of your life it's a death sentence if you get the wrong person pregnant and even if you don't I always say it lowers your standards you can't be doing that so this is what I don't understand a lot about the masculine kind of frame especially online dating for the younger generation they teach men to just have no discipline when it comes to sexual behaviors what do you think about that I think it is you're a man so I'm asking you because I maybe something I'll never understand I'm not sure I I think that there is so much status assigned to being attractive and being chosen by women and you know everything else that you do is a proxy for that in any case maybe some of it is to do with survival but the nice car and the fancy watch and the red bottom labons and the follow account on Instagram and the Blue Tick and all of that stuff they are all proxies for look at my mate value go up right and the most direct way that you can prove to yourself that your mate value is high and you can prove to everybody around you that your mate value is high is to sleep with women and you know I've worked in The Nightlife industry for 15 years so I saw this firsthand I was in the trenches of of all of this stuff that was going on this is the the currency that everybody is is using uh so I understand I understand why it's there I mean you know none of this none of these conversations were happening 15 years ago nobody was saying guys maybe you should try and keep it in your pants maybe the height of masculine Essence isn't going and sleeping with as many women as possible because these conversations simply weren't around uh I'm sure if you'd read enough books you would have probably been able to reverse engineer them but they weren't happening as accessibly as they do now so I think that that's the reason that it happens but I would agree I think that if you are uh taking your sense of self-worth from your body count as a guy it's a very fragile place to take it from there like there just has to be something deeper than that yeah well what I always say is men that sleep around with a lot of women or chase women especially if she's like a quarter of their age and stuff like that it's no different to a man with new money when a man grew up with money you don't see him posting his Lamborghini his watches and stuff like that it's just what his his dad had a Rolls-Royce he used to get dropped in a limousine to school he'd never posts about this stuff because it's he gets on a private jet to go to places that guy doesn't post about money because it was never deprivation now when you're sleeping with so many women and you especially when it's like just a shortcut for status what that signals is there was a deprivation in self-esteem at some point in your life there was some rejection from women and you're compensating by having no frugality when it comes to selecting a woman now so for me when I see a man sleeping with lots of women I don't actually see it as a status symbol maybe because my brain is psychologically like programmed I see it as compensation strategy for low self-esteem as child just like the man that's posting his brand new watch and his brand new car perhaps he didn't grow up with wealth so it's the same thing when you show that you're sleeping with a lot of women to me it signals you couldn't have selected got got a lot of women when you growing up and perhaps it's now time to make up for lost time it's a selection mechanism as well right because there is a large cohort of guys that can't get laid and what you're doing is you're advertising to the world I'm not one of them I don't you don't need to worry about me I'm not part of that particular group of pathologically broken alone terminally in solitude men um one of the other things that's happened is a how would you say uh reverence for the Middle East and for the values that have been coming out of that what are or what is unique about the dating scene in Dubai let's say that there's someone listening who's never been or that they know about Dubai is what they've seen on a couple of Tik Tok videos what's interesting or different about the dating I would say Dubai is not very representative of the Middle East and it's got a completely different culture to like Muslim values and culture in general the reason being is it is a playground for The Rich And Beautiful the entire city is Beverly Hills so what happens is the richest men in the world flock to Dubai it's got amazing perks if you want to make a lot of money it's just it's where it is um and any City where there's rich men there are beautiful women it's just always the case wherever there's rich men there's beautiful women so the playground is completely different it really separates the men from the boys both men and women so what happens is the woman has to really feel like everybody's a competition so if she hasn't worked on anything besides her looks She's going to find it's very it's um it's a difficult place to meet people because if you think you're the prettiest girl in the room there'll be another pretty girl there'll be another pretty girl so it's hard for her to stand out and for the rich guy if he leads with money he will learn that's not enough for the women out here because she knows a 100 millionaires so what happens is both these people who brought their kind of their their trophies to come to Dubai the beautiful girl and the rich man realize that here it's a dime dozen so you have to bring something else to the table but the problem is the culture and the environment is so distracting it's difficult for Partnerships to connect and last long time even though everybody's craving it most people here are experts they haven't got their mom and dad and cousins and family so they're craving a sense of home but because it feels like it's so like far-fetched like the ego defenses come in and they just think well I might as well just play in the mud while I'm here so it's slightly different to the rest of the Middle East I would say do more options mean more happiness it's the exact opposite more options means less happiness they've done so many studies where they looked at people's reactions to food in a food court compared to a home-cooked meal or um even paintings when they had lots of choices or just given one there's always higher satisfaction when there's no Alternatives because your brain then doesn't imagine Alternatives but our brain has this ability where it can literally experience what we imagine if I say to you imagine catch up on ice cream you can almost taste that you can almost taste that if you think about it enough you can taste it when you have Alternatives Imagining the alternative is enough for you to start a desire there and when you don't have Alternatives you kind of stay focused but but when you do have Alternatives it means the satisfaction is reversed so in a place like Dubai that is swimming with lots of people with lots of money and lots of women filled with lots of silicon there are a lot of distractions endless distractions and even if it's not the women it's the environment restaurants are fantastic the U bars and clubs and stuff to do the beaches are amazing the water will dance for you you sit and have dinner and the water fountains will go up there is just such a an so much pleasure everywhere I mean it really suits me well because I'm quite extrovert and I I would never say in a bad way for me it works well but for anybody who craves more of a calm peaceful environment I don't know how conducive a city like this would be I think that you're right I um I wonder about what the Muslim Community thinks of the recent trend of white Western guys saying that they're going to convert that they're now going to follow has this been a conversation that you've had with your dad or anybody from your yeah do you know what there it is becoming common I do think Andrew has a part to play in that I think Andrew has had a part to play in it and I think in general it's um I think what's happened is the left has become so loud that people are SE seeking conservatism again and I think that that because the Buy has become popular and the idea of the whole gender debate and women becoming so promiscuous now people are thinking I need I need a solution I need a fix if you're looking for not promiscuous women Dubai is not necessarily the place to go and if you're looking for a real representation of Islam Dubai is also not the place to go the last place to go I would say if you're looking for a non-promiscuous woman there is nowhere um there's nowhere worse than Dubai because the promiscuity in Dubai amongst men and women but like I always say it's the only city in the world where the women are far more promiscuous than the men far more because what's happened to the women in I don't want to say too much but what's happened to the women that come to rich cities is they come emotionally detached they come with the idea that I want to meet a rich man now that woman is completely different to the woman that comes to a city and says I want to fall in love and have kids now that emotionally detached woman who comes I want a good life is never emotionally invested and here's the mistake a lot of rich men make they seem to think that if they can support a girl and give a good life loyalty is a given but what they're forgetting is a woman that craves a good life doesn't seek emotional intimacy she seeks financial intimacy now any woman who doesn't seek emotional intimacy is far more likely to stray so they're the most likely to be cheated on is these men that spoil their women because loyal women want to be spoiled by time they don't want to be spoiled by possessions and a lot of these successful men don't have time so they actually filter out loyal women and get the ones that are okay with a financial investment that's again another difficult sort of hypocrisy or or tough Circle to Square from Men's advice around that you know looking for emotional intimacy is sing for women but paying them in gifts and flying them all over the world is somehow being high value the problem the problem with that is that you are making an incredibly fragile Foundation upon which to build that relationship now the cope from that going one order down is it doesn't matter I'm not bothered about building a relationship because use them and like discard them we'll just get on to the next one and you go okay well in that case we're not really talking about the same thing one person is having a discussion about how to sleep with lots of women and use their Air Miles as much as they can and another person is looking for a relationship and I think that one of the concerns is much of the advice that gets put out on the Internet is given by men that are optimizing for short-term relationships but taken by men who actually want to be optimizing for long-term relationships yeah you know if you're super super high in sex drive super high in sociosexuality super low in agreeableness super low in commitment very commitment averse very avoidant attachment you are going to construct a world in which your philosophy meets those desires for yourself yeah but if that's the most popular Creed that's put out on the internet and all of these guys who don't have that same Baseline of personality do begin to think think well maybe maybe this is what I should be doing maybe this is what should fulfill me you yeah you end up using a philosophy that was designed for a different machine than the one that you are yeah exactly that and here's the thing they kind of here's what being a simp is right here's let me just summarize what it is this not about loving and investing in your partner which is often the case they seem to think that anybody who loves or invests or wants a long-lasting or who is loyal is a s here's what being a s is a woman crosses your boundaries and you you accept and not only accept you try and get her back that's what sing is you everybody's got different boundaries but if you've seen a woman cross your boundaries many times you've seen unacceptable behavior and instead of them withdrawing your love you then shower her with more love to get her back that I can understand is a simp but somebody who vets a woman correctly and then puts explains their boundaries and here's what a boundary is it's very simple the moment you feel something is not great you communicate it you don't test your partner to see if they break it again and so you just say look I don't like it when you don't call me after a night out I just want to make sure you got home okay it's or I don't like it I I think that outfit's a little bit too revealing on a night out can you just be a little bit more mindful you say your boundaries now if you don't say your boundaries and you allow a woman to completely disrespect them even though you're feeling it you know in your soul she's disrespecting your boundaries but you're still begging her to be with you and she's doing unacceptable behavior and you're still begging her then you fall into the category of a s but that can happen with women men anyone can do that but strong boundaries create good neighbors the moment we put our boundaries up people then know how to behave around us and we become simp free we become immune to being a s but if you have no boundaries but you're learning the tricks of how to get women oh I pay for a woman here that but you've got no boundaries and she's cheating on you and you're still paying for her then you you're not learning what actually is creating the um circumstances for a healthy connection what are you looking for forward to working on over the next couple of months what's the impact that you want to have um I think what I would love to focus a little bit more on is the impact of uh pornography on men I think pornography has had a huge impact on men and women and I would love to kind of focus if I could have one mission in this whole kind of social media space it would be to draw light to the impact of pornography on men's mental health because what pornography does is it teaches men women are wild and are promiscuous so in the real world they look for wild and promiscuous women without realizing that wild and promiscuous woman then breaks their boundaries and hurts them and they end up in a slow suicide in the form of depression and they don't realize that it's all connected whereas if they stopped sexualizing women so much through the use of pornography they would have higher standards of what they accept and want in a woman and then they could maintain a relationship better and then that depression would slowly dis appear but I think pornography is kind of where I would love to focus on um and also just kind of undoing some of the damage from the red pill conversation how' you mean here another I feel like it's done the exact terrible impact that feminism had at Women's belief about men red pill kind of did the exact same for men it gave them a home for the men that hate women it gave them a home but it's in the wrong hands it's okay when it's in the hands of psychologists and people who understand human nature but when it's in the hands of a 27y old boy who just wants to make it in social media or somebody whose life experience is just making Tik toks and he's the one teaching men how to um how to view women it's dangerous it's super super dangerous so I would love to undo the damage of some of that where should people go if they want to check out more of the stuff that they do uh of what they do or what what you do oh what if I do sorry I am Saia psychology on Instagram YouTube and Tik Tok sardia psychology I tend to put everything up on using the same handle so if you do want to find more and I also do oneto ones if you do want any kind of um onetoone coaching I am available Sadia I really appreciate you thank you thank you so much for your time thank you what's happening people thank you very much for tuning in if you enjoyed that episode then press here for a selection of the best clips from the podcast over the last few weeks and don't forget to subscribe peace