Video summary
The podcast features a deep dive into the concept of body count, challenging the common obsession with the number of partners an individual has had by shifting focus to rejection rates and selectivity instead. Sadia Khan argues that a high body count often indicates low access or difficulty in attracting attention rather than promiscuity; for instance, someone who sleeps with ten people but faces hundreds of advances is effectively selective compared to another person with only one partner who faced zero attempts at connection. Conversely, she suggests that individuals whose partners have very few sexual encounters may simply lack opportunities due to lower attractiveness or social access, which does not necessarily reflect on their moral character. The core metric proposed for evaluating a potential partner's integrity should be how easily they are excited by the opposite sex and whether they possess the ability to say no when approached, rather than just tallying past relationships. A significant portion of the discussion addresses historical jealousy, defined as anxiety over a partner's past sexual history or previous partners that occurred before the current relationship began. Khan explains that this fear is often rooted in an evolutionary instinct among men regarding paternity uncertainty and abandonment fears stemming from childhood experiences, leading them to perceive threats where none exist because they cannot predict future behavior based on past events. Women, meanwhile, tend to experience jealousy primarily when a partner maintains active financial or emotional ties with ex-partners, such as co-parenting situations involving children. The transcript highlights that while men fear the possibility of their partners having had other offspring and pretending those are theirs, women generally feel threatened by ongoing resource sharing like time, money, and energy from previous relationships rather than mere sexual history. The conversation explores how historical jealousy functions psychologically as a mechanism for predicting future pain, where individuals cling to past events to prepare themselves mentally against potential abandonment or betrayal. This anxiety creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where the jealous person looks for evidence of impending harm in the partner's background because they hold a core belief that hurt is inevitable anyway. The speakers note that this dynamic makes dating someone with significant history, such as an older woman who has been through multiple relationships and children, particularly challenging due to these lingering insecurities. However, Khan reframes having baggage not just as a red flag but potentially as a green one if the partner demonstrates good co-parenting skills and prioritizes their family responsibilities over new romantic interests. Ultimately, the dialogue concludes that true selectivity is more important than raw numbers when assessing character, urging listeners to admire a man who prioritizes his children rather than viewing it through a lens of jealousy or competition with an ex-wife. The speakers emphasize that while navigating these emotional hurdles can be difficult for both men and women entering new relationships after divorce or separation, the quality of how one handles past responsibilities is indicative of future reliability as a partner. By understanding that low body counts often result from limited access rather than virtue, and recognizing that historical jealousy stems from fear-based cognitive distortions about abandonment, individuals can better manage these complex emotional landscapes without letting them dictate their judgment of others' worthiness or integrity.
Read the full video transcript
one of the things I've been thinking
about is is almost like historical
jealousy and this is where the body
count conversation comes in what have
you come to believe about how much body
count matters and then how can people
deal with historical jealousy better
well the thing is it's now become a big
topic of debate and men are like oh body
count body count body count it's a big
deal here's what I really say about body
count The Testament of your body can is
more your rejection rate than how many
people you slept with now if you are
let's take some like you for example
who's got a big name on social media
looks great access to loads of women
through the nightclub now if your body
count is let's say if it's 10 but you've
had hundreds of girls throwing
themselves at you yours is actually
still low whereas if another guy who has
no access to women his but finally gets
one or two girls to sleep with him on
paper it might be less but his rejection
rate is so low and now instead of
looking at how much how many people
people sleep with is there look at their
rejection rate now if a girl is slept
with five men or 10 10 men but only five
or 10 men have tried to to approach her
that means every man that tries gets
access but if she's a really attractive
woman she might have higher but her
rejection rate is higher so really look
at how many people you the your partner
is rejecting rather than just their body
count because on paper a really
unattractive man who has nothing going
for him his body counts going to be low
doesn't mean he's a decent man it's just
that he didn't have the opportunity
similarly women that are not that nice
to be around not that kind not that
pretty not that attractive hers is going
to be low doesn't mean she's virtuous
it's just that she didn't have access
it's the ones that have access but
choose to be um selective that's what
you should be looking at is there
selectivity problem is you can't ask
them the number like how many rejections
have you done in your life yes you can't
that's the hard part but what you can
tell is how easily excited this person
is by the opposite gender it comes quite
natur you can tell when people are super
excited when the opposite gender pay
some attention and other people who are
totally immune to it that person that
has a Glee ATT attached to attention is
always going to maybe not have a higher
body count because they you know might
not get access but they've got more risk
of um diversion because they they get
too much ego boost from the opposite sex
and not from other areas of their life
so I think body count really has to
depend on the the person's ability to
say no to sex it's not just how many
people they slept with but how many
people can they say no to I've never
heard this Frame before I think it's
very interesting yeah what do you think
about that do you what do you think the
body count the body count conversation
is is so
skewed because the world that we're
living in now is not representative of
where it would have been 10 years ago or
20 years ago but the the thing that I'm
most interested in is historical
jealousy you
know yeah yeah yeah so hearing stories
about what your partner used to get up
to even if it happened once right and it
it's so strange you didn't even know
that they existed you didn't know them
they didn't know you they couldn't have
said no because they were waiting for
you to come maybe this was a onetime
thing yeah or whatever and it triggers
especially in men it triggers such a
visceral fear right of in
inadequacy of um like jealousy but it's
St like how can you be jealous about a
thing that happened before you even knew
who your partner was so yeah talk me
through your conception of historical
jealousy what happens with historical
jealousy as human beings in general we
prefer pain we can predict predictable
pain is almost more welcome than well
definitely more welcome than anything
unexpected now where what we do with
retroactive jealousy is we hold on to
the past as a way of predicting how
they're going to hurt us in the future
the more you anxious you are the more
you perceive threats in your environment
so what's happening with people who are
jealous of the past is essentially they
believe they have a core belief that
their partner is going to hurt them at
some stage anyway now if there's no
present day evidence for that they will
look for it in the past and use that as
a way of creating hypothesis of how they
might hurt you in the future and
therefore be mentally prepared prepared
for the sabotage now so ENT eventally
what they're doing is preparing
themselves for the worst but they can't
find evidence so they look for the past
and it's usually because of a fear of
Abandonment that they have within
themselves and I know it's more common
in men because their fear is more
stimulated by the fear of cauri that she
might histo like evolutionary wise she
might have a child with somebody else
and pretend it's yours that fear um so
it's ingrained in them but more time
that fear is activated when there's been
some childhood
abandonment what about women what what
are women worried about uh we're worri
we worry not as much about retro we we
only really worry about previous exes if
there is some Financial or emotional
investment still going on usually when
there's kids so what happens is women
tend to get jealous of the ex-wife where
they've got kids and stuff like that we
get jealous of exes that are still a
priority in their resources so we're
only threatened by women that have
access to the resources whether that's
energy time or money but if he's not
giving them that we are more worried
about future threats that's interesting
I imagine that must make a lot of the
moving on starting a new relationship as
a guy that has got some history you know
earlier on you mentioned if you're going
to go for somebody that's a little bit
older it maybe even in some regards a
green flag that they've been through
some relationships and got some baggage
you know from that but you also have the
jealousy inclusion of the previous
partner and potentially the previous kid
resources attention so on and so forth
so that must be a difficult situation to
navate a lot women suffer from that
they're really really so jealous of the
ex and the children and so on and so
forth and it is very difficult I can
imagine it would be horrible but one
thing that again if your husband has a
good co-parenting relationship and as a
good father it's a foresight into how
good of a partner he will be to you and
your children he prioritizes his
children is really really important now
a lot of women want a man to prioritize
them over their children but what kind
of man man is that a man that
prioritizes a woman over his children
what kind of man is that it's not a man
you're going to be attracted to in the
future especially when you have children
with him because that means the next
woman in his life can take that priority
you need a man that prioritizes his
children and try and see it as something
you admire in him rather than jealous of
him because it's a trait that's going to
come in very handy when you have
children with him God willing but that
guy that is just all over the place and
doesn't prioritize his kids it's only
handy in the short term we'll get back
to talking to sard in one minute but
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