How Many Times Do I Have To Forgive My Prodigal Son? | Hard Questions

Duration: 5:43 1051 transcript words EN summary

Video summary

The video addresses a deeply painful scenario where a parent repeatedly forgives their "prodigal son" only to have him spiral out of control again, disrespecting them before eventually seeking reconciliation. The core struggle presented is determining the biblical point at which a parent can say enough and remove the child from their personal space while still maintaining love and prayer for them. The speakers validate the immense difficulty of this situation and commend the parent for asking such a hard question, emphasizing that it is crucial to distinguish between forgiveness and access. One can genuinely forgive someone and continue to love them without granting them full access to one's life, home, or emotional stability, especially when the individual lacks the responsibility required to handle such intimacy. A key argument presented is that setting boundaries is not about controlling another person's behavior but rather about protecting one's own health and walk with God. The speakers explain that while a parent cannot force their child to change through boundaries alone, they can maintain control over their own responses and limit exposure to an unhealthy environment. This distinction is vital because continuing to provide unconditional access without consequences effectively enables destructive behaviors and prevents the son from growing up or taking responsibility. The discussion highlights that true love sometimes requires stopping the cycle of enabling, where giving in to a child's demands actually hurts them by keeping them from facing the natural repercussions of their actions. To restore a relationship, the speakers suggest that reconciliation must be conditional upon specific changes and repentance rather than being automatic. They advise the parent to clearly communicate what it takes for the son to return, perhaps outlining an itemized plan that includes accountability measures like working if he is not currently employed. The theological perspective offered connects this human dynamic to God's nature, noting that even when God corrects us, He layers redemption and truth into that correction rather than simply punishing without purpose. Therefore, the parent should view consequences as a necessary tool for spiritual growth and restoration, ensuring that any return to the family unit is built on a foundation of genuine change rather than just temporary remorse. Ultimately, the conclusion encourages the parent to seek support from pastors or counselors to help navigate these nuances and establish logical boundaries that keep them in a healthy place. The speakers reference biblical passages, such as 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15, which instruct believers not to associate with those who do not obey but also not to regard them as enemies, instead admonishing them as brothers. This balance allows for firm discipline and distance without hatred, creating a space where the prodigal son can experience shame that leads to repentance rather than just comfort in his destructive patterns. By refusing to enable the behavior and insisting on consequences, the parent aligns their actions with biblical principles of love that seeks the ultimate good and redemption of the child.

Read the full video transcript

I have a son that has been a prodigal son over and over and over and over again and I have forgiven him over and over and over again. I have welcomed him into my home, into my life and then he snaps and spirals out of control, disrespects me, horribly mean to me. Then later he wants to go back to normal. My question is at what point is it biblically okay for me as a parent to say enough? I forgive you, I love you, I'm praying for you as I always have but I don't want you in my space anymore. >> Wow. >> Thank you so much for that question. It's a very good one, very important one. Uh, Pastor Zach, can you start us off? >> Yeah, I just I just want to validate. I hear the pain in your voice and understand in a lot of ways what you might be going through right now. And uh, this is difficult, very difficult for anybody to go through. So, I just uh, I just want to commend you for even asking the question. I know how hard that's that is to ask. Uh, I would encourage you in a couple of ways. First, there's a difference between uh, forgiveness and access, right? So, you can forgive someone but limit the access and what I've learned is that uh, you can't give someone level 10 access who is level two responsible with the access you give them. You actually have to for your own personal health, for your own walk with God you have to be able to limit the access to their level of responsibility and that comes through setting boundaries. You're not going to change their behavior through boundaries. You can't control them through boundaries. It's obvious this this uh, son unfortunately is losing control, tries to regain control through screaming and as a foster parent I I I know the pain of that. I know the I understand that. However, you can you can maintain control of yourself, of your response, and you can set boundaries for your own personal health, and I would encourage you to do so with the help of a pastor, with the help of a counselor. Get accountability in your life to help work through the nuances, every nuance of what that looks like to keep yourself in a healthy place in this unhealthy environment. So, access and responsibility. >> That's really good, really good answer. Other thoughts here. >> Was that when you come on, you're not supposed to say everything perfectly? >> [laughter] >> No, I I mean, I could I I was like I was thinking the exact thing. I was going to say a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. And you said access, same thing really. And one of the things I would say to her as well is that it's okay to have that, and you're not I know there's a tough battle. I used to be an addictions counselor, so I understand the battle that you have because he's your son, but he also has um an addiction that is also plaguing you and bringing things into your world. So, it's okay to have that type of distance and for you to be able to say, "Hey, it's all right for you to say I'm sorry, I can't bring you any further." The only thing I would say to you is let him know what it takes to come back in. Come up with a plan on how "Hey, I want to be in your life. I want you here, but these things have got to change." So, before I can bring you in, give him an itemized, detailed plan on how reconciliation and access can be obtained because any even when God corrects us, he still brings redemption. Something I love about God, even when he corrects, >> Yes. >> he'll still have that arena of redemption layered in the truth that he's sharing with us. >> Yeah. >> And not only redemption, but also repentance. >> Yeah. >> So, so in other words, he he's living life right now without consequences, and there's got to be consequences to We have consequences with God. >> That's true. >> So, he's got to have consequences, and I guess my question is how old is he? Does he work? If he doesn't work, then that's that's very simple for me. No worky, no eaty. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah, I was going to bring in a couple other words, too. I'm sure you guys have heard of and and have seen and cuz I've seen this at my church, too. Um but enabler or codependency, you know? Um you can actually be hurting somebody by quote-unquote loving them or giving them what they want and enabling them really to not grow up, not take responsibility and and there's some scriptures that speak to this. Paul says in 2 Thessalonians 3:14, "If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that man and do not associate with him so that he may be put to shame, but then it gets at this, verse 15, and yet do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother." >> Mhm. >> You know, there's a place for admonishment and and exhortation among Christians and especially in in your family and you know, if this is your grown son who is acting really like a child, I mean, you really have to put a stop to that and uh however you do that and and uh it's not helping him, it's not really love. >> You know, as clear as she framed the question, it sounds like you're on the right path as far as have setting those boundaries and I appreciate what Pastor Zach said, find some some support there, a pastor, a counselor, someone who can help you in setting those boundaries, those logical and correct boundaries. Thank you so much for the question and just pray that uh that that situation God will enter into his life and will see a change there. So, thank you so much. Let's go to our next question. >> [music] [music]