Video summary
In a discussion about modern sexual dynamics, Dr. Debra Soh highlights a paradoxical trend where society has become increasingly sexually permissive yet reports lower levels of actual sexual activity. She cites research from her book *Sexstinction* indicating that social media significantly alters how individuals perceive potential and current partners. Specifically, studies suggest that roughly one in ten men lose interest in having sex with their own partner after viewing influencers online, while women simultaneously report feeling less sexually desirable due to constant exposure on these platforms. This phenomenon creates a comparison game where users are inundated with idealized images, leading to diminished attraction toward real-life partners who do not match the curated perfection of digital profiles. The conversation illustrates this issue through an anecdote involving two young men going on dates back-to-back. The first man found his date incredibly attractive in person and proceeded to have sex with her, only to later express regret after viewing her Instagram profile; he felt she looked nothing like the "hot" image presented online, joking that he wished she had a sticker of her photo taped to her forehead so he could view it instead. Conversely, on the second date, his partner was lovely and engaging in real life but failed to sleep with him because he checked her social media afterward and found her profile unappealing compared to other influencers. Dr. Soh explains that this reaction stems from a deep conditioning where men judge attractiveness primarily through extreme versions of wealth or beauty displayed online; if the digital persona is not "hot" enough, they get the ick, regardless of how wonderful the person appears in reality. Dr. Soh further explores the psychological mechanisms driving these behaviors, particularly among adolescent girls who feel compelled to undergo plastic surgery or other enhancements to compete in a perceived hierarchy. She notes that young women who engage in upward comparison—measuring themselves against more attractive or popular figures on social media—are more likely to fall prey to feelings of inadequacy and attempt to "clamber up" this artificial imbalance. This constant inundation with images creates pressure to modify one's appearance to meet unrealistic standards, effectively making individuals feel that they must alter their bodies just to be found attractive or worthy of a partner. The discussion underscores how the marketplace of dating has shifted from valuing genuine connection to evaluating partners based on their ability to present an extreme version of themselves in the digital realm. The dialogue also touches upon the developmental impact of these habits, with Dr. Soh noting that while the specific anecdotal examples involved 19-year-olds who may lack full prefrontal cortex development, this behavior is not uncommon among the general population. The core argument posits that social media has subtly but profoundly changed human mating strategies by introducing a filter where digital presentation dictates real-world desirability. Even when someone finds a "diamond in the rough" or a genuine connection offline, the inability to match their partner's online persona can kill sexual interest immediately after viewing their profile. Ultimately, the summary concludes that while social media offers vast choices and extreme examples of beauty, it simultaneously erodes satisfaction with real partners by conditioning users to expect perfection they cannot find outside the curated digital marketplace.
Read the full video transcript
So we have basically the most sexually
permissive culture in history that is
also having the least amount of sex.
>> Yeah, which is wild.
It's crazy when you think about it. Like
I was thinking about social media and
even something as subtle as that. Like
everyone's on social media, but I do
think it even that is changing the way
that people view potential partners, how
they view their own partners. Also.
Study that I cited in Sexstinction
showing that roughly one in 10 men
actually loses interest in having sex
with his own partner after looking at
influencers. And that women also feel
less sexually desirable after being on
social media.
>> One in 10 men
lose lose interest.
Like it for a brief window of time? I
mean they didn't specify. Okay. Yeah.
>> So they're less that they're less
interested in having real sex with their
partner
when they've been looking at influencers
on the internet.
>> Yeah.
So I do remember at uni,
this is so [ __ ] bad.
>> That was an English study too, actually,
so. Good. Well, it's probably it was
probably the people that used to I used
to employ. It's probably the lads that
used to work for me. I do remember
um
there was two
two guys that
uh were
going to go on first dates with these
two chicks two nights in a row.
Now the first one, he turned up and he
ended up going back with her and having
sex. Um but he said she looked nothing
like her Instagram. It was gutting. So
like she was so hot on the Instagram, he
kind of like a catfish type thing. And
he had this joke about he wondered if he
could have just sellotaped her Instagram
to a forehead so he could have looked at
that. Uh and then the next night
the guy went out on one and she was
really lovely and great. And then I
don't think they'd they'd slept with
each other that night. And he came back
and looked at her Instagram and got
turned off
because she wasn't able to present
herself in the marketplace of
>> That's a good thing, you know?
I said that. That's what I said. That's
what I said. I was like, "Dude, you
found a barn find. That's a diamond in
the rough. You found somebody that's um
really fantastic, she shows up and
wonderful in person, but the marketplace
where most other people are going to be
competing for with you for her,
she's
she just not present I don't know I
don't know what what it was. I didn't do
my research.
Uh
So, what does he didn't like about the
fact that like so he can't send people
to her profile to look at her?
>> No, you just I think that there was a it
wasn't even as deep as that.
Oh yeah, so it was significantly more
deep than that. Not that he couldn't
show off this girl that could
potentially become his girlfriend or
whatever to other people on Instagram.
I think it
what I believed it to be was he
was so conditioned
to judging a woman's attractiveness
through her social media profile, and
especially given that it's the most
extreme version of you, and for men,
too, right? The most extreme wealth or
whatever. Um
that he he got the ick by her having a
bad
Instagram account, Instagram.
>> Um
I don't know. I didn't I I
The club promotion industry is a a weird
and wonderful place. I'll never forget
it. Two nights in a row, one guy saying
I wish he could have striped her
Instagram on her forehead, and the next
night the guy going, "She was amazing,
but I went and looked at her social
media profile after we'd been on the
date, and I was a turn-off, dude. I got
the I got I got the ick because her
Instagram wasn't hot."
>> So, he wants the hot Instagram lady
who's just as hot in real life. Uh yes,
I think so. Uh
they Look, these guys were 19. They
don't know prefrontal cortex.
>> even think that that's that uncommon,
though. I think it's that that social
media has done something like that more
subtly, though, to the general
population.
You think? Why?
So, uh guys are less likely to want to
have sex after they looked at
influencers, and girls are less
likely to feel attractive.
>> Yeah. They feel less attractive. Okay,
so it's a comparison game. Yeah. Right.
Why? What do you think's going on?
What's the What's the mechanism?
>> Well, I think well, the I wrote a
chapter about plastic surgery and when
you look at this trend of yeah,
especially really young, in some cases,
girls getting procedures done, I do
think social media has done something to
make them feel that they need to do this
to compete and to get a partner or to at
least be found attractive. And there has
to be something with just like
constantly being inundated with these
images on social media. They have found
in say adolescent girls that girls who
are less popular or girls who tend to do
upward comparison, so tend to compare
themselves to say more attractive women
or
or um
more popular girls tend to fall prey to
this a little bit more.
In an attempt to try and clamber up this
felt imbalance of a hierarchy that
they're comparing themselves to.
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