Video summary
Dr. Paul Conti argues that trauma is far more frequent and insidious than commonly realized, often operating like a wolf in sheep's clothing by altering identity without conscious announcement. He explains how the brain uses broad strokes to protect itself after an incident, leading individuals to retroactively change their memories of past events as a compensatory mechanism. For instance, someone who was hurt in a car accident might conclude they never felt safe driving or traveling at all, even if those activities were previously enjoyable; this is not because the memory changed factually, but because the intense emotion from the trauma colors old recollections to ensure future safety. Consequently, people often claim they have always lacked faith, confidence, or desire for relationships when these feelings actually emerged only after a specific traumatic event reshaped their narrative of who they are. The core function behind this psychological shift involves deep-seated affects such as fear, love, joy, and shame, which neurobiologically serve to protect us by triggering fight-or-flight responses. Shame acts as a powerful mechanism for behavior modification in small groups or tribes; historically, it kept humans from risking food supplies or safety within the cave. However, Dr. Conti notes that modern society has hijacked this survival instinct, causing individuals who were attacked decades ago with no fault of their own to feel profound guilt and shame. This internalized version of external tribal judgment forces people to shove trauma down below consciousness rather than process it, effectively shutting down lives under the guise of necessary behavioral change while stripping away accurate self-recollection. This distortion is further exacerbated by a reflexive cycle where individuals believe they should not have been in certain places or situations when an attack occurred, conflating actual responsibility with the automatic reflexes of guilt and shame. These feelings protect us from insight rather than helping us heal, convincing us that it is unsafe to look at our pain or talk about what happened because we fear being judged by others or ourselves. Dr. Conti highlights how these lies drive people into a fetal position emotionally, preventing them from seeking help or processing the event, which results in forgetting who they were before the trauma occurred and identifying instead with their damaged state as an unchangeable part of their personality. Dr. Conti draws parallels to English Modernist literature, specifically citing Ford Madox Ford's metaphor of finding a worm at the center of what was once thought to be a good apple, illustrating how we retroactively view past events through a negative lens after trauma occurs. He also references Virginia Woolf for capturing deeply how time and retrospect alter our perception of ourselves, making the past malleable rather than fixed. Ultimately, he asserts that while trauma changes us significantly, it does not hardwire these alterations permanently; instead, it is crucial to investigate what we were like before the incident occurred. By understanding exactly how a specific event impacted us and changed our story about who we are, individuals can reclaim their identity and decide consciously how to move forward rather than remaining stuck in a narrative enforced by internalized shame and guilt.
Read the full video transcript
what do you wish more people knew about
trauma I wish that more people knew that
it comes so frequently to so many of us
and that it is Insidious and the meaning
of that word like something that is
sneaky and like a a wolf and sheep's
clothing like it doesn't announce itself
that I'm now in your brain and changing
you including changing your memories so
and I don't know what happened to you a
after and and again sorry to learn about
what happened but an example would be on
the other side of that a person who's
gone through what you've gone through
could conclude I never feel safe in a
car I've never felt safe in a car I
don't like driving I don't feel could
conclude that without it being true oh
so they've retroactively gone back and
changed their memory of situations prior
to that trauma as a compensatory
mechanism as a story they tell
themselves
well it's it's a way because the the
brain is going to paint with a broad
brush if we're not bringing the trauma
to conscious understanding then it's
saying it's a very simple conclusion
right being in car coming at opposite
traffic is not safe right and that's all
the brain knows like we got hurt doing
that so we can't do that anymore so
it'll bring that to you and the emotion
is so strong that it can color the old
memory saying but you never wanted to be
in a car anyway right you never felt
comfortable in fact you don't even want
to travel places like it can bring these
to the surface it's remarkable how many
people will say I never had Faith or
confidence in myself I never thought I
could do well at my job I never thought
I was smart enough I never wanted to get
out of my hometown I never wanted to be
in a relationship people says but when
you talk to them that's not true I mean
I'm saying it's always not true but in
many many situations it's not true it's
the brain trying to keep them safe but
that's where the brain will like I'm
exaggerating a little bit like have you
hiding under the bed all day to keep you
safe right when that's not what we want
we want to be able to keep ourselves
safe so maybe if you you were in the
accident when the road conditions were
poor that's why a snowplow was out you
might say look I don't want to be going
against oncoming traffic if its speed is
more than 30 kilometers per hour
whatever it may be in bad conditions
like maybe you learn that and you're
like I you know what I take that away
with me and I'm going to change that you
might conclude that or you might
conclude not that but you're concluding
something that tells your brain it
doesn't have to be lost in that trauma
now for you it sounds like it went down
after some period of time but for some
people it doesn't until it's processed
like again person I saw earlier today
20s something years ago it is still with
the person as if it were yesterday and I
see this many days not just that I
happen to see that today it's like I see
that a lot which is why I had a
conversation about it just this morning
so Insidious more frequent than people
think more persistent than people think
and changeable
and and uh not uh lock set in stone for
the rest of your life it's not hardwired
in us uh it we don't have to be afraid
of it because trauma triggers a reflex
of guilt and
shame so if we are traumatized there is
some reflex and and I don't know if you
had that after your trauma people so I
shouldn't have been where I was when
someone attacked me or when there was an
accident now sometimes we may have some
bear some responsibility but that's
different than a reflex of guilt and
shame which tells you shove the trauma
down below don't look at it if you look
at it oh Lord knows what you will find
if you look at it what what's the
function of the shame and the
guilt so the the function is probably
around behavior modification again it's
all theoretical right but if you think
about psychological history of humans
and even anthropological psychology like
how humans develop that we have what are
called affects and I don't want to get
too chew off into the weeds but
neurobiologically there's a difference
between affects feelings and emotions
and affects are just aroused in us like
if you're just walking down the street
and someone jumps in front of you and
shoves you you're going to feel anger or
fear or boast before you know it think
about that you're going to feel anger or
fear or but it'll be coursing inside of
you and then you become aware why
because affects are create they create
change in us if someone just jumps in
front of you and shoves you or yells at
you you better be ready to fight to flee
right you boot up all these systems and
then you're aware so these very deep
affects in us very primary fear love joy
shame they they they anger they they're
created in Us in order to protect us so
shame is very very powerful for altering
Behavior so imagine if you're in small
groups of people and you know you've got
the food inside the cave and you close
the cave door and then somebody wakes up
in the middle of the night and eats a
bunch of the food the rest of the people
may make that person feel ashamed right
or they you know they're they're keeping
they're doing something that makes the
supply at risk you know where people are
are relieving themselves is too near
their food like it then shame is a
mechanism of change don't do that any
don't do that again it puts you at risk
it puts others at risk so it has a very
strong impact upon us but it gets
harnessed in ways that are not about
survival like we're not living in a
hunter gatherer Society where if you and
I go faring for berries and we almost
die we better never forget it right like
it's different from that we live longer
lives right that are much more diverse
and can be impacted by shame in ways
that can have a person who was attacked
by someone else decades ago with no
fault of their own still feeling guilty
that they were attacked ashamed that
they were attacked and deeply altering
their behaviors because of that that's
Survival mechanisms hijacked in a way
that shuts down people's lives and
Trauma does not have to have this kind
of control over us but in doing what I
do for a living I've seen whoa the
greatest external control mechanism upon
us is the one we don't see that alters
even our memory so we don't even
recollect accurately wow that's so
interesting and it it's so crazy to
think
that scenarios we go through become
interpreted by ourselves and woven into
a story that we tell ourselves about who
we've always been right then the
incident that was the Genesis of that is
not forgotten but it being the Genesis
of it is forgotten right and it just
becomes a part of us and then people
will begin to identify with that oh
that's me that's how I've always been
I've always been a X or a y or person
and if you we all know how much people
try to defend their egos and their
personalities if you Tred to say oh you
know why don't we go away on holiday you
know I don't like going away on holiday
I've never liked going away on holiday
no you had a very turbulent flight when
you were seven years old or 13 years old
or 25 years old and this Landing came in
and you told yourself a story that you
no longer want to go on well I'm
fascinated by not only that not only the
fact
that instances formative instances
MH can change the story tell ourselves
about ourselves and then make us forget
the fact that that is what caused it to
happen but that shame and guilt are
almost like the delivery mechanism for
enforcing the change and it doesn't need
to come from other people you know
you're right that you do a thing and
guilt is the uh internal version of the
external eye that your tribe would have
had on you saying you probably shouldn't
be doing you shouldn't be eating those
berries oh God I hope no one catches me
but you're deploying this to yourself
about yourself and maybe about something
that wasn't even your fault yes it's
something yes it's all of that so you're
really getting it's all of that and it's
even worse because that shame and guilt
all the things you just said are like
centuries protecting us from Insight
protecting us from help i' say it's not
safe to go look at that it's not safe to
talk about that you want to go talk
about something you're ashamed about
that that's not going to go well right
it has us keep it all inside because
guilt and shame keep us stuck inside of
ourselves which is the reason why people
don't don't go and get help they don't
go in process because guilt and shame
tells us to keep it private and it tells
us well people say all the time I'll
start crying and never stop I'll curl up
into a fetal position and never get out
that is never what happens those are the
lies of trauma driven guilt and shame
that keep us in places where we not only
don't know who we are but we forget who
we are how many times I've had a person
tell me I've always been someone no one
likes no one and I learned like that's
not that's not true at all people this
person understood themselves to be
different and and interacted in the
world differently until that trauma
happened because the thing you said
about the airplane flight could happen
when someone is seven happen when
they're 57 too right and then we go back
and we map the past which English
interestingly um English modernism
really really captured this so so it's
not only this wasn't known before but
the English modernist like Ford Maddox
Ford Virginia wolfes writing really
there were others too that started
writing about how we retroactively
change I think it was Ford madx Ford who
wrote about if you're eating an apple
and it's a goodly apple I think he wrote
you get to the center of it and there's
a worm is it retroactively a bad apple
right and and that that was quite a
revelation that was part of the English
modernist movement that that that really
realized and I in my opinion I I think
Virginia wolf captured it the most
deeply of of how time uh changes for us
in in the context of how we see things
in retrospect how we see ourselves that
the the past is malleable and and it is
our our responsibility to ourselves that
our past isn't malleable if something
changed in me after a trauma I want to
know how I was
before what that trauma was how it
impacted me how it changed me how I am
different afterwards so that I can
decide what that means and how I'm going
to go about doing about it whatever it
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