Video summary
The discussion highlights a significant shift in how romantic relationships are formed, noting that 60% of them originate from friendships. A recent study challenges the age-old question of whether men and women can truly be just friends by introducing the concept of "courtship" within cross-sex friendships. In this dynamic, men often provide financial resources to female friends they have a mating interest in, with data showing that 50% of people report romantic interests in their opposite-sex friends. Furthermore, half of those surveyed admit to having had sex with at least one such friend, particularly among younger demographics. The speakers argue that fostering more cross-sex friendships is beneficial because attraction tends to grow over time through proximity and the opportunity for individuals to display qualities that make them both good mates and good friends. Research by William Costello involving 527 heterosexual and bisexual participants reveals a gender disparity in how platonic these relationships are perceived. While 81% of women believe their opposite-sex friendships are purely platonic, only 58% of men agree with this assessment. Women were found to be three times more likely than men to view their cross-sex bonds as strictly non-romantic. This discrepancy often leads to a misconception among women that their male friends see them solely as sexual objects; however, the reality is nuanced. Men are prone to wishful thinking regarding female attraction and may overestimate how much their female friend fancies them, creating a gap between perception and actual feeling where men assess mutual interest based on their own desires rather than the woman's true sentiments. Social media has introduced new complexities that disincentivize opposite-sex friendships by pushing individuals into different digital worlds shaped by distinct algorithms and cultural influences. The speakers contrast the childhood experiences of young women, heavily influenced by figures like Zoella and apps such as Facetune which is used by 70 to 80% of young women before posting on Instagram, with that of young men who often grew up playing games like Runescape. These divergent digital environments mean that attempting to be friends across the gender divide can feel like navigating entirely different cultures. Additionally, mate preferences play a crucial role in friendship selection; data indicates that people tend to select opposite-sex friends possessing traits they desire in a partner, such as protection, physical attractiveness, and resources. Consequently, it is not uncommon for women's male friend groups to resemble their actual boyfriends or partners closely, which can be jealousy-inducing from the perspective of men concerned with mate guarding against rivals like "work husbands." The conversation also touches upon the practical challenges these dynamics create in professional settings, where some men may inadvertently pump the brakes on a woman's career out of fear that her success could attract better mating prospects or threaten their own position. Despite these hurdles and the potential for misunderstanding regarding sexual interest versus platonic affection, the overarching conclusion is to celebrate and cultivate more opposite-sex friendships as a direct route to forming proper relationships. The speakers emphasize that real-life interactions with female friends can help men dispel "red pill" or "black pill" misconceptions prevalent online by providing firsthand evidence against those narratives. Ultimately, while social media creates barriers, the benefits of broadening one's network and learning cross-sex mind reading through genuine friendship outweigh the difficulties, suggesting a path toward better understanding between genders even if it requires men to pluck up courage to ask women out more frequently.
Read the full video transcript
60% of romantic relationships begin as
friendships, thus making the world
harder to date in. Well, given that
there's fewer and fewer cross-sex
friendships, I think it should be
celebrated that this is an avenue
towards relationship formation. And you
know, the age-old question of can men
and women ever just be friends? We've
just got a new paper accepted that shows
that we call it courtship in cross-sex
friendship where men
provision financially to their cross-sex
friendships that they're interested
mating with. 50% of people say they have
romantic interest in a cross-sex friend.
The same number have had sex with at
least one, particularly young people.
So, I do think it's a good pathway to
relationships. And if you formed more
cross-sex friendships, you [snorts] it
would be a direct route to relationships
because
attraction grows over time. You get
you know, proximity breeds intimacy, but
also you get to display a lot of the
same qualities that make for a good
mate, make for a good friend, too. And
men and women select friends
who have the same qualities that they
want in a mate. So, protection, physical
attractiveness, resources. So, it's a
good pathway, but the secondary route is
it broadens your networks. And it also
helps you learn about cross-sex mind
reading. So, it's very hard to actually
you know, come to the boneheaded beliefs
of some of the red pill, black pill
world online if you actually have in
real life female friends that you know
kind of disprove a lot of what what you
hear. I'm going to quote you back to you
here. William Costello pulled 527
heterosexual and bisexual people, are
opposite-sex friendships ever truly
platonic? 81% of women said yes, only
58% of men said yes. Women were three
times more likely than men to say their
friendship was purely platonic. So, I
think it's a little like women hear that
and they sometimes get very upset that
to learn that their male friends see
them as
>> Nearly half of your guy friends are
trying to sleep with you.
>> Would Well, not necessarily. It's just
that they kind of would. So,
and this is the kind of the
misconception that women maybe hear that
and they think, "Oh, so he only wants to
sleep with me?" And it's not quite the
case. It's just that he probably would.
Yeah. So, it's like [laughter]
When people hear about this for the
first time and they doubt it, I I always
say, "Just try it. Just try when you're
out for a few drinks next time." Do you
remember that one in The Economist? A
study of Americans finds that in
platonic couples, men are far more
likely than the woman to find their
friend sexy and far more likely to think
that she finds them attractive, too.
Indeed, a man's assessment of how much
his female friend fancies him matches
how much he fancies her and is entirely
unrelated to how she really feels.
Clearly, men are prone to wishful
thinking.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Well, men need to kind of
pluck up the courage some way and if
they have to
>> be asked out more. Yeah. Yeah. That's
That's true. That's also. So, you know,
on the one hand, women want to be
approached more, but then are kind of
unhappy to learn that their opposite sex
friends are interested in them, but
I do think women keep some opposite sex
friends as backup mates, too. And Oh,
this is so You've got loads of data
around backup mates. Come on. Yeah. I
just think ultimately,
we should celebrate and try and
cultivate more opposite sex friendships
cuz it could be a pathway to to proper
relations.
>> if on social media that
disincentivizes opposite sex friendships
because you live in different worlds
completely. So, we were talking earlier
and you hadn't heard of influencers that
like shaped my childhood.
>> How did I not know Zoella? Zoella.
Whatever.
>> [laughter]
>> Do you know Zoella? I've heard of
Zoella.
>> There we go. You don't know her? Sorry,
you're an avid subscriber of Zoella. Get
with the program. You get ready Did you
get ready for today with Zoella?
>> No, I didn't. A new try-on haul from
Primark.
>> get [laughter] ready for living. But
it's like Zoella, but also Facetune.
Facetune is a huge app among young women
where they can edit themselves.
>> I I hadn't heard of it. I didn't. So, I
I I
One of the statistics in my book is like
70 or 80% of young women wouldn't post
on Instagram without facetuning
themselves first.
>> Wow. Makes me so relieved to hear this.
>> [laughter]
>> Every photo should have that. Yeah,
yeah. Attached to it. But it's it's been
downloaded like hundreds of millions of
times. It's a core memory from my
childhood.
But then so I write this whole book
about social media and the experience
for young women. But then for young men,
they have a completely different
childhood. So it could be a young man
that grew up near me.
>> Runescape.
Yeah.
>> play Runescape. You played Runescape.
You said that you're a bit more of a I'm
a bit more masculine. Yeah. But yeah,
they will not even recognize things that
were huge influences on young women. And
so I wonder if we we try and be friends
with the opposite sex, it's like a whole
different world because algorithms Yes.
are suggesting a different culture.
>> and now you've got even less.
Interesting. Yeah, that's a good
overview. What else are you brandishing
some graph I can see that you've got on
there. What Did you find that sex doll
yet?
>> [laughter]
>> True. I have a question about the
opposite sex friends. Is there a sex
difference in the degree to which our
opposite sex friends match our mate
preferences?
Because if there's not, if both men and
women are like designing their opposite
or selecting opposite sex friends based
on their mate mate preferences, then
when women say, "Oh, I'm not attracted
to my opposite sex friends." Is that
true?
>> I've seen data around this. I've seen
data that shows that the same
traits that you look for in a partner
are the ones that you look for in your
opposite sex friends. I've seen this.
Yeah. So if men and women do that to the
same degree, then is that really the
case when women are saying
>> They can't be so shocked.
>> Yeah, like what are the odds that like
all my male friends guy that looks
exactly the same as my actual boyfriend.
[laughter] Thought that Oops.
But but it's kind of like from a
jealousy perspective,
you know, you can see why it would be
really jealousy inducing for a man for
his mate to have opposite sex friends or
work colleagues who are sharing you know
a mission together. Like you hear of
these things of women calling someone
their work husband. I'm like disaster
tactic don't you never say this this is
a bad idea. So I do think that
men are inclined to kind of pump the
brakes on women's careers for a mate
guarding perspective you know that's
kind of and and an opposite sex
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