Video summary
The speaker argues that while our brains are evolutionarily wired to perceive rejection as a life-threatening danger due to our tribal history, in modern society this fear is actually rooted in self-love issues rather than physical survival. Although we still react strongly to being rejected because it triggers deep-seated survival instincts from ancient times, the core problem today is not about safety but about whether we accept ourselves. When individuals do not fully embrace their own identity and worth, they unconsciously seek validation from others to fill that internal void, effectively outsourcing self-acceptance to external sources instead of finding peace within themselves.
This search for external acceptance stems from a childhood process where children were often reprimanded more frequently than praised, leading them to believe there was something inherently wrong with their authentic selves. To avoid judgment and fit in with society, parents and peers inadvertently helped shape these individuals into what the speaker calls a "conditioned self"—a version of themselves molded by social expectations rather than true desires. As people grow up, they continue to adapt this conditioned persona for friends, family, and colleagues throughout their lives, eventually losing touch with their original, uninhibited childhood selves who were free from fear of judgment.
To overcome the fear of rejection, the speaker suggests a lifelong journey of rediscovering one's authentic identity by reconnecting with the passions and activities loved during childhood. This process involves asking oneself what they truly enjoy doing now versus what they are forced to do for others, encouraging small actions like engaging in creative hobbies or spending time in nature that align with their true self rather than societal norms. The speaker shares a personal example of realizing decades later that he preferred being outside and free over living downtown, illustrating how reconnecting with these innate preferences helps individuals stop acting as chameleons who constantly change to please others.
Ultimately, the conclusion is that eliminating the fear of rejection requires shifting the focus from seeking acceptance from everyone else to granting it to oneself first. Once a person rebuilds their life around their genuine passions and accepts their true self completely, they no longer feel unstable or in need of constant external validation; instead, they stand on solid ground regardless of others' opinions. By letting go of roles that do not fit the current version of themselves and embracing who they truly are, individuals can find inner freedom where rejection loses its power because it is no longer tied to their sense of self-worth or survival.
Read the full video transcript
I think it's actually a self-love and a
self-acceptance thing. And so our brain
might still process rejection as danger.
But in today's world, rejection is
mostly just social. It's not a threat to
your actual survival. But I want you to
understand that the fear of rejection,
it makes sense. As humans, we are wired
to have the fear of rejection in us
because we are tribal beings. And back
in ancient times, rejection from the
tribe literally meant that you were
going to die. Which is why rejection can
feel so painful. It taps in to this
survival instinct that's inside of all
of us. Nobody in this world wants to be
rejected. Nobody in this world likes to
be rejected. And so everybody wants to
avoid it in some sort of way. So
[snorts] it is of course built into our
human circuitry. But I think it goes way
deeper than that when you actually start
to look at human psychology. So today
when you look at okay the fear of
rejection, if you get rejected and you
don't see another person your entire
life, you can still live. It's it's not
a tribal thing anymore like it was
before. It's not a safety thing like it
was before. Now what I really think that
it is is I think it's actually a
self-love and a self-acceptance thing.
And so our brain might still process
rejection as danger. But in today's
world, rejection is mostly just social.
It's not a threat to your actual
survival. So what we're doing though is
we're actually searching for acceptance.
Not because we feel like we're going to
physically be harmed or that there's
death attached to it, but because we
don't actually accept ourselves.
And so in turn, we look towards others
for acceptance, hoping that they'll give
us what we're not giving ourselves. And
I get it. This might not make a whole
lot of sense, but by the time we get
through today's episode, it's going to
make a whole lot of sense to you. And
so, how does the the fear of rejection
correlate with self-love and
self-acceptance? So, let's let's dive
in. Let's talk about it. When you look
at it, let's make it really simple. We
have the fear of rejection. Okay? The
fear of rejection. What is the opposite
of rejection?
ex acceptance, right? And so if you're
afraid of rejection, what that means is
that what you're really searching for is
acceptance. It's like when someone has a
fear of flying, they think they have a
fear of flying, but flying is not the
problem. They have a fear of crashing.
That's what they have a fear of. And so
you might think that you have a fear of
rejection, but really what it is is
you're searching for acceptance. And
here's where it starts to get really
interesting.
Why are you searching for acceptance for
other people? Have you ever asked
yourself that before? If you're a people
pleaser, why are you searching for
acceptance from other people? If you
have a fear of rejection, why are you
searching for acceptance from other
people? Why is acceptance so important?
And the reason why is because you don't
accept yourself.
Now, why don't you accept yourself?
Well, because you don't want to accept
what you are not. And you're going to be
like, what the [ __ ] does that mean?
Right? This is where I said we're going
to start getting really deep into this.
The reason why you don't accept yourself
is because you don't accept what you are
not. And so, let me explain this whole
thing. When you were a child, you were
your full 100% true authentic self. You
were loud. You were playful. You walked
around without worrying what people
thought of you. We all came into this
world completely uninhibited. Just just
free doing whatever it is that we want.
free to be who we are without any fear
of judgment. We were born into that. You
weren't born with the fear of being
judged by other people. And we will be
right back. Hey, real quick. If you're
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code right there. And now back to the
show. But then somewhere along the way,
it was programmed into us to fit in.
Every one of us, it was programmed into
us in some way to fit in. And in turn,
that turned into us caring about what
other people think.
Take a wild guess. Who do you think the
first people who we developed this
relationship were with of wanting to fit
in, wanting to be what we wanted they
what they wanted us to be? It's your
parents. And I'll give you an example.
My sister was in town this past week. My
sister just recently became a therapist.
And uh she's got four kids and her
youngest kid, Joseph, he's like the
craziest, wildest, funniest kid I've
ever met. like he has just this this
personality and like just the stuff he
says is so funny and so offthe-wall and
he's so witty and he's 13 now and my
sister came in town this week and she
was talking about how much Joseph's
personality has changed and she's like
oh he's much more quiet he's much more
reserved it's so crazy how much his
personality has changed and so then I
asked the question I was like do you
think that it changed naturally or it
changed because he's now more aware of
himself he's more aware of how he is
around other people. And maybe he's just
trying to fit in with his friends or
what society wants him to be. Because
when he was young and he was wild and he
was crazy, he spent a lot of time in my
sister's house on the farm. And most of
the people that he spent time with was
his brothers and sisters and my sister
and her husband. Now he's older. He has
friends. He goes to school. He hangs out
with them. He has sports. And so I was
asking, do you think it's that his
personality has changed because it's
natural that he went into that or
because he's changing as he goes in to
fit in with other people? She was like,
that's a crazy question. I've never
thought of that before. I'm going to
have to think about it. And so, you
know, as as parents,
we need to socialize children. That's
the way that it goes. That's the way
that they fit in with society. And so,
what all parents do is they they they
socialize their children. It's a
necessary part of all of us growing up
is we learn to fit in with society. And
so we learned at some point in time,
don't be loud, don't take off your
clothes in public, don't touch that,
don't hit her. We learn all these things
of what we can do and what we can't do.
Not necessarily what we want to do and
what we don't want to do, but what we
can and cannot do. And the average child
is reprimanded eight times more than
they're praised.
That means that subconsciously
a child subconsciously in their mind
thinks there's something wrong with me.
There's something wrong with what I'm
doing. There's something wrong with my
true self eight times more than they
think there's something right with me.
And this all happens unconsciously. Like
I don't think that a seven-year-old is
sitting there thinking there's something
wrong with me. It's usually subconscious
of like I want to do this thing now. I'm
not being accepted. There must be
something wrong with my true desires.
And so this all happens unconsciously.
The children aren't actually sitting
there, but it really shapes their
understanding of themselves and the way
that they fit in with the world. And for
us all of being children at one point in
time shaped us as well. And we follow
what our parents and what older people
tell us to do. And then we follow what
our friends tell us to do and what our
friends are and what makes us fit in
with them and the click that they're in.
So we start to build ourselves
essentially into someone else who will
be accepted by other people. We take our
true self who we came into this world as
and we start to build oursel into
someone else that will be accepted by
other people. This is called your
conditioned self. So you have your true
self and then you have your conditioned
self. So there's your true self which is
the version of you that you were as a
child. free, unfiltered, don't care what
anybody thinks about you. And then
there's the conditioned self, which is
the version of you that you built
yourself into being for society, to be
accepted by others, to be accepted by
friends, to be accepted by siblings, to
be accepted by your parents. And this is
where the problem lies. And I want you
to really understand this. You've become
your conditioned self. And this is why
your true self struggles to accept you.
get that? So, you have built yourself
into a conditioned self, a set of
programs who you're supposed to be, and
it might not necessarily be who you
truly are. And so, it's really hard for
your true self, the consciousness behind
everything that you're you're doing on a
day-to-day basis to accept yourself. And
so, what do you do? You start to believe
that you need acceptance from other
people. And so you mold yourself into a
different version of yourself to fit in.
You do it for your parents. You do it
for your siblings. You do it while
you're in middle school, while you're in
high school, when you get into college,
when you get your first job. You become
someone else to fit in with the group.
And now you're 20 or 30 or 60 years old
and you don't know how to truly love and
accept yourself.
So you search for acceptance from other
people
hoping that they will accept you. So you
become a chameleon and you adapt
yourself so that you fit in wherever you
are. But what you're truly searching for
is love and acceptance for yourself. If
you fully truly accept yourself, you
don't have a fear of failure that much
because you're already on solid ground.
You can't you're not on quicksand.
Quicksand of like, "Oh my gosh, I don't
know if I can if I love myself. If I if
I accept myself, maybe I should go ask
other people if they love and they
accept me. And so what you're truly
searching for is acceptance from
yourself. But here's the tricky part.
Your true self will never fully accept
your condition self because it's not who
you are.
Why? Because it's a character that
you're playing. It's not truly you. I
told you we were going deep today. So
what the hell do you do in this
situation? Well, what you need to do is
this. You need to understand, sure, we
can want love and acceptance from other
people, and that's a good thing. We are,
you know, tribal beings. We want to,
we're social animals. We want to be
around people, but you don't need
need anybody else to accept you. What
you need is you to accept you. But you
will never truly accept you if you're
playing a character for other people to
accept you.
And so, what you need to do is
rediscover who you truly are.
This is the key to real self-acceptance.
It's not always very obvious. It can be
really subtle. You know, when I when I
think back to like think back to your
childhood. Think back to who you were as
a child. Think back to if you see a home
video of yourself as a child. How were
you? What were your hobbies? What did
you love to do? Did you do dancing? Did
you do painting? Did you love playing
sports? Did you love going out in
nature? You need to rediscover your
childhood self because that's who you
truly are.
I get it. Some of you guys are like,
"But I need to pay the [ __ ] bills."
We all do. I get it. But there's no
reason why you can't pay the bills and
have some fun with your life and be the
childhood version of you that happens to
be an adult as well. That child, I want
you to know, is still inside of you.
it's just sitting there waiting for you
to reconnect, to start doing the things
that you love again, to start being more
creative, to start putting yourself out
in nature. Ask your parents, you know,
ask them about what you were like as a
child. What were you passionate about?
You know, for me, I recently remembered
I was living downtown a few years ago
and I I loved being downtown. It was
great, but it was like I felt really
like claustrophobic living downtown in
Austin. And I remembered through like an
experience of like I remember how much I
loved being outside as a kid. When I was
a kid, you know, I didn't I never had my
a bedroom until I was about 10 or 11
years old. And so what I would do is I
would I had to sleep on the couch. And
so I slept on the couch, but we also had
a couch that was outside in a screened
in area. And I used to sleep outside on
that couch outside in the screen in area
more than I would sleep inside. And my
family was like, "You used to just love
being outside. you always felt free when
you were outside. You'd always, you
know, we grew up in in in Florida, so
you'd always be at the beach and you'd
always be playing with your friends.
You'd always be outside playing
baseball. And so when I lived downtown,
I felt like really crammed and I didn't
feel I didn't feel really good. And so
we kept taking trips when I lived
downtown. We'd go to Sedona and we would
go all these different places. And I
realized I was going to all these places
where I loved the nature that was there.
And it's just like tapped me back into a
part of myself that I haven't had for
years. But I didn't realize that until I
was like 30ome years old. And so I want
you to understand like rediscovering
yourself is not like an immediate thing.
It's not an overnight thing. This is
like a lifelong journey. This is a
rediscovery. And and this is the key
part is is I've always been thinking to
myself like why is it that so many of us
like almost everybody has to lose
ourselves. We have to become someone
that we're not. like I have built myself
for years in my 20s and early 30s into a
different version of myself and then I
realized like this isn't who I am and so
I had to go on this path of rediscovery
and the reason why we have to lose
ourselves is so we can find ourselves
you cannot find something that you've
never lost and so if you're listening to
this podcast there's a part of you that
does feel like you've lost a version of
yourself most likely and so what you
need to do is go on that path of
rediscovery so ask yourself like Who am
I? What do I love? What do I love to do?
What do I what do I miss doing? What do
I not have enough time for anymore? And
then what I want you to do is I want you
to start taking action towards that. You
know, take start small if you need to
take 10 minutes to do just something
that you loved as a child. Dancing,
drawing, playing outside, going to a
park and playing soccer with your
friends, or just going to a pickup game
of basketball. Anything that that really
connects you to the joy of being
yourself. be creative in some sort of
way. Remember, the journey is not about
being perfect and being like, I have to
figure this out and putting stress in
yourself. It's about making progress
towards just rediscovering who you truly
are. And so, really, what it comes down
to is the reason why you have like if
you're listening to other people say
like, "Here's how you get past the fear
of rejection. Stop caring what other
people think. Do whatever the [ __ ] you
want." Sure, you could do that if you
want. But the reason why you fear
rejection at the deepest core version of
you is because you're looking for other
people to accept you. And the reason why
you're looking for other people to
accept you is because there's a part of
you that's like, "Somebody please accept
me cuz I don't accept me. I don't accept
this version of me that I built." It
might not be and I don't want you to
think like there you don't accept all of
you. There's definitely some versions of
you that are amazing and great, but
there's some version of of you and and
everybody that we've built oursel into
being a chameleon, into being somebody
for somebody else. And ultimately,
that's not who we truly are. And so,
what I would recommend for you is go on
a path of rediscovery and spend the rest
of your life going on this journey of
finding what you love, what you're
passionate about, what your hobbies are,
do new things, try new things, go to
different places, and start to find out
what you love and what you want to be
and who you want to be throughout your
life. and let go of the things that are
no longer you.
If something doesn't fit you now and
into your future, let go of it. You
won't miss it. I promise you. And then
once you build yourself into who you
truly are and you build yourself in in
into the real true version of yourself,
you won't really fear rejection because
other people don't really need to accept
you for you to feel better about
yourself. You just need to accept you.
And so ultimately at the core of the
fear of rejection is acceptance. And the
person that you want to accept you is
you. Hey, thanks so much for watching
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