Video summary
Gianmarco Soresi reflects on the profound and chaotic impact of his parents' unhappy marriage and subsequent divorce, which occurred before he could fully comprehend the situation. The most significant disruption for him was the custody arrangement that forced him to live in a repetitive two-week cycle between his mother's house and his father's home. This constant back-and-forth prevented him from establishing a sense of stability or building a consistent social life, as every Friday was pre-empted by the anticipation of seeing his father. Soresi describes this period as neurotic, noting that the priority seemed to be on the parents securing their time rather than ensuring the child felt grounded, leaving him without the opportunity to develop deep friendships during his formative years in middle school and high school.
The dynamic at his father's house was characterized by a stark contrast between the two men in his life: his biological father, who was a bachelor with no social life but created a fun, permissive environment where he felt like a prince, and his stepfather, a strict Catholic man from Ohio who served as an antagonist in Soresi's youth. While his father encouraged him to prioritize time together, sometimes even suggesting he could testify against his mother to stay full-time with him, the stepfather enforced rigid rules and shame-based discipline that differed greatly from the physical punishments Soresi feared from his own lineage. This duality created a confusing narrative where Soresi would transform into a "slob" upon leaving his father's house to fit in with his siblings, only to face resentment from his stepfather who viewed him as an outsider, further complicating his emotional development and sense of belonging.
As he grew older, the competitive nature of his parents' co-parenting became increasingly apparent, shifting from superficial attempts at civility like monthly dinners to open hostility involving lawyers and custody battles over his half-sister. Soresi questions the narrative that his mother was acting out of cruelty or hatred toward his father, suspecting instead that she was protecting her own interests in legal disputes regarding alimony and custody while trying to shield her new family from his father's influence. The situation culminated in a sense of betrayal for Soresi, who felt he lost his status as the central figure in his father's world when his father had another child, effectively ending the exclusive "chapter" of their relationship and forcing him into a role where he was no longer the sole focus of his father's attention.
Ultimately, Soresi concludes that the alternating custody schedule he experienced is detrimental to a child's well-being, arguing that weekends should be kept together to provide stability rather than splitting them up within a week. He observes that many divorced parents compete for their children's time rather than focusing on connecting with them or supporting each other, creating a messy environment filled with legal maneuvering and emotional volatility. His experience has shaped his current perspective on family dynamics, leading him to advise others against such fragmented schedules and to recognize how these early disruptions can fundamentally alter one's understanding of relationships, loyalty, and the importance of maintaining a consistent home environment for children.
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So, the impact of divorce. My parents
were not divorced, but they were
unhappily together.
>> Mhm.
>> So, I always wonder
when I hear about the impact of divorce,
but I don't
I don't think I really
I can't really fathom it.
>> Mhm.
>> But, is there the impact for you it
happened before you were conscious,
right? So,
>> Yeah, I think I think the impact is
the custody arrangement. I think it was
like
I went back and forth on the two-week
cycle that would just repeat itself. And
Same school? You'd stay in school or
>> Same school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They they
didn't live too far away from each
other.
>> Yeah.
>> And in a way like the back and forth is
almost when I reflect on it I'm like it
was neurotic in its concoction. It was
like, "Okay, well, couple days here and
then a couple days back and then a
couple days back here." And it's like it
feels like the priority is the parents
making sure they get their time and not
does this kid feel
a sense of stability at any point in his
life?
So, it was like I wouldn't get fully
settled at one place. I had, you know,
three siblings on my mom's side and
then, you know, I spent some of my life
with them.
>> So, your mom remarried and
>> My mom remarried
a guy who had been my dad's lawyer. Um
>> This is great.
>> It wasn't like, you know, he wasn't
still working for my dad. He was
a complete opposite of a person than who
my father was. He was from Ohio, raised
uh
Catholic, but but no one was
excommunicated and and was strict as
hell.
>> Yeah.
>> And so, I had very different Also, my
back and forth life was just so
>> Yeah.
>> different because of that. My dad was a
bachelor. He was he was trying to make
his house
He
there was this thought of of my dad's
house was so fun like maybe if I wanted
I could go to court and testify
and say I want to be with my dad all the
time. That was always like floating in
the background. And my dad, he never
like pushed me that hard, but he was
like, "You could do this." And the
thought of I remember thinking like
>> You would testify against your mother?
>> Yeah, essentially, yeah. Like that's
that that I would that I'd testify
against I I would say I want to be with
my dad full-time.
>> And that was it wasn't explicit, but it
was like, "Yeah."
>> Yeah, it was brought up like you could
do this if you want. And I don't know if
you should tell
>> get that.
>> Because I love my mom, but my stepdad
was like
the antagonist of my of the narrative of
my youth. So, it's the back and forth
part where it's like you, for example, I
I would see my dad in the two-week one
of the weeks I'd see him just Thursday
and Friday. And so, it'd be like, "Well,
I'm not going to go out with my friends
Friday because this is the only time for
me to see my dad."
>> And it probably felt there was probably
some guilt on your end of like, "I
should see my dad." Or did you want to
>> I wanted to and and he had no friends,
so we would hang and it would be fun.
Like it was fun to hang with my dad.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> And I think it it just
gradually your whole life doing this,
you don't build
a social life. And my dad's
just a a no social life guy, you know,
he dates. And so, I don't see how
friendships work, how adult friendships
work, how friendships work.
>> it never really it never took hold. Like
socializing and friendships.
>> Yeah, I mean, I think I had, you know,
two or three friends, but like
you know, you would you just wouldn't go
out because every every Friday would be
accounted for right out the gate. I
would want to see my dad.
>> guys do? What would you and your dad do?
>> We just veg out, watch Seinfeld.
Um and he'd just be there. You know, he
was he was he was fun. We'd just eat
like [ __ ]
>> Yeah.
>> And and watch honestly, Seinfeld was the
show that we'd watch.
>> You'd watch three or four?
>> Yeah, oh yeah.
And it's crazy cuz it's
>> This is what years?
>> This is all of all of middle school.
>> So what what calendar years?
>> Oh, um let's see. I was born in '88.
Uh
so so that it was the
'90s yeah yeah '90s '04.
And um
we had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun
and then when he had when he had another
kid
that's when
I stopped being an only child on that
side. I was an only child at my dad's
house. My mom's house I had three
siblings eventually. Yeah. But when I
went to my dad's I was the only child I
was the prince. My dad was there to make
it so fun that I might betray my mother
to stay there forever. He said to me
once he's like what do you have at your
mom's house you do not have at my house
and let's go get them.
He he was I mean and he also like Eminem
I I wasn't allowed to listen to Eminem
at my mom's house. I could at my dad's.
My stepdad wouldn't let my siblings
watch this
>> So you must have been like this I'll
wait. I'll this I'm going to cons- I'm
going to do this but I'll just wait till
Friday.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Like this is nothing.
>> Yeah.
>> Was it when you called the stepdad
antagonistic was it like hostile?
>> It was it it definitely was
>> Hostile was it more hostile to you than
his blood children?
>> In different ways. I mean they had to
deal with like his form of
of of punishment to my sisters would
he'd say present your hand and then he'd
go
Now not
not so hard it would leave a bruise. It
was more about shame.
>> Yes.
>> But to my father who I think the nuns
used to hit him with a ruler and his dad
beat him had a brutal the thought of any
kind of physical anything was like
you might as well be a [ __ ]
>> Italian man you don't hit him. You don't
hit a man. I mean you do back in the old
country, but
>> So, like in that sense, they got a
tougher version, but he was I do think
there was some resentment because I I
come from a different I'm a foreigner. I
have my own rules.
>> Yeah.
>> I I'm I'm I would come from my dad's in
My mom would pick me up from my dad's
and she'd say, "Whenever I pick you up
from your dad, you're you're so
different." A horrible thing to say to a
kid.
>> Yeah.
>> But it's cuz I would come from my dad's
wearing a wife beater and shorts and
like I transformed to a slob.
>> Yeah.
>> And so, I think my stepdad was like
There was resentment, of course. If I
had a If I had a bad dream at my dad's
house, I I slept in his bed on and off
for a lot of my childhood. You know,
whatever. Mom's house, if I had a
nightmare, I can't sleep in the bed with
my stepfather, so I would sleep uh to
the side of her bed on the floor.
>> On her side.
>> Yeah. And I remember once
walking in and and
it was one of the two times I saw my mom
naked, you know, I just I had a
nightmare or whatever and I went in
there and it was just like, "Ah!" And I
remember the look on my stepfather's
face and it was years later that I was
like
I and knowing their life more, I'm like,
"I bet this was like the one time they
were going to [ __ ] that year."
And I
destroyed it.
>> Yeah.
>> And I remember the look on his face and
as I get older, I'm like, "Oh, that's a
guy who just lost [ __ ] for the night
>> Yeah.
>> because of a guy who looks like his
former client and his wife's ex-husband.
>> That's very funny. Do So, it sounds like
you were just kind of like looking for
like a consistent treatment.
>> Yeah.
>> And like not the and
in chaos.
>> I have fantasies about when my friends
start getting divorced with custody that
they come to me and I give them advice.
>> Yeah.
>> And I'm like
without doing the research, it's like,
do alternate weeks or what was
unfathomable as a kid, but now I'm like,
maybe that's better. It's like, dad for
the summers, mom like
this idea of going back and forth
within a week is is crazy. It it's not
good cuz you can't
>> people do, right? It seems like a lot of
people do like he he gets them Thursday,
Friday, Saturday and I get them
>> I think that that seems to be what most
people do and I think that's
>> You think it's dead wrong?
>> It's dead wrong and I think there's
better versions and worse versions. Like
the fact that my parents split up a
Friday at my dad's, Saturday, Sunday at
my mom's, it's like, no, you got to keep
the weekend together. You got to keep
the weekend together.
>> Well, it sounds like
I'm sure it happens with everyone, but
it sounds like they're competing with
each other.
>> Yeah.
>> For time with you and it's not about
like connecting with you
or maybe it is a little bit, but it
feels more competitive toward the other
person and less about like, how how are
you doing with this?
>> But but it's also like, when was the
custody arranged? Oh, right when you
found out he was cheating on you?
>> Yeah.
>> And your baby, beautiful baby boy who's
so you
child. This is when you're you're going
with two lawyers and figuring out the
system. Of course it's not well
constructed. If anything
I would say to divorce parents like
check back in every couple years. And
when the kids old enough say, "Hey,
let's let's bring you at the table, get
the lawyers out of here."
>> Do they interact with each other like at
drop-offs?
>> So they they did my dad would do this
crazy thing where he would pick me up
and he would be like, "Can I use the
bathroom?" And like take a [ __ ] and I'm
like, this is so
this is so
beast child.
>> Fantastic.
>> Uh they they did talk. Like in the
beginning they they would try to do
this I think like a monthly dinner
and I remember they would bring my dad
would bring a present. And just to make
it feel like like Pavlovian, this is
good. We're all happy. And then by the
third one, they got into a fight and I
remember
I think my dad leaving the table before
the appetizer came. And I was like,
"Well, this was a failure." They They My
dad went to Thanksgiving a couple times
way back.
And and you know, then my my stepdad
would do that to my sister and my dad
would go, "What the What the hell are
you doing?" And they would clash.
>> Yeah.
>> And there was still some communication
until
my dad
had a custody battle over
my half-sister on that side. So, this
when I was 13, 14, I I think. Um
he met this woman.
Uh she got pregnant. And then, you know,
my dad I don't know all the de- My dad
did something. Suddenly, she was
sleeping in the basement. I had just
been told from my father she had a tough
childhood and
having a kid triggered it. And I go,
"Oh, okay." Then one day, she's
>> Where do I sign off?
>> Yeah. Yeah.
And
my in their custody battle,
my mom testified.
I think on her [snorts] behalf.
And
to my father, this was
you're preventing a man from seeing his
daughter.
You're dead.
At the time, I remember
>> He did nothing. To to I'm He had nothing
to do with nothing.
>> nothing to do with anything.
>> She the mo- the mother had a tough
childhood.
He was He would have been there
seven 24 hours seven days a week.
>> And I I When I was a kid, it was like,
"Why?" It was painted as my mom did this
out of a a
just cruelty or just hated him so much
that he wanted to deny him his daughter.
She's told me since, and again, I I
don't both narratives I I question,
but she's told me since
that they were having their own lawsuits
whether about alimony or custody or
something and that he was going into
this trial painting their arrangement
and their divorce as completely amicable
and easygoing and just lying.
>> Yeah.
>> And
somehow that would impact her. So, she
needed to testify. I don't know if
that's true. I don't know if she needs
to testify. I think there was there was
some degree of like
it was said at some point like worried
about my half-sister or like wanting to
take care of her and I'm like, I don't
believe that. I don't believe you you
care.
>> Yeah.
>> And there was always a weird thing where
sometimes these exes would be friends
with suddenly they're friends with my
mom and you're like, that's so [ __ ]
up.
>> They have a lot in common.
>> They do, they have a lot in common.
>> Yeah, they one thing in common.
>> It's like like the opposite of my dad's
fan club just just people that who hate
him.
>> Yeah.
>> And I that was weird. That was
That was weird.
>> like a lot of what we now call
messiness.
>> Yeah, but the question is like knowing
my dad, what was he doing to bring this
on? He was he not paying alimony? I
mean, you you just have friends who are
divorced like the debate about
>> They're furious about alimony. I mean, I
know a lot of my guy that was like, nah,
that's a fair.
>> Especially if they get remarried to
another man, there's a degree where they
go,
well,
>> Yeah, why am I
>> You got that. I got to keep giving?
>> Yeah.
>> And and the the nuances of it are are
are tough, but my dad just kind of got
screwed with with custody.
>> How does my question is how does this
construct you? What is it so then then
because of this you are
what?
>> I lost
being the star of my dad's home.
>> Yeah.
>> And suddenly
my my little sister is
is being treated like uh
everything is is at the whims of a
three-year-old.
>> Yeah.
>> Dinner. Movies. And this is my my
Friday. This is the the weekend day and
I don't have any social life so I don't
have another thing to do. And now my
dad's whole world I I lost
>> your eggs in that basket. You're like,
"Fucking dude, I thought How you were
doing it
the the Seinfeld."
>> And I'm experiencing like
I imagine my dad's girlfriends
had to deal with me like everything had
to be about me. This little kid cuz he
wanted his house to be amazing for me
cuz maybe I'll go there full-time. Or
God forbid the opposite, I go, "I want
to stay with mom."
>> Yeah.
>> And now I'm like experiencing
what it's like when someone else is that
prized
>> Yeah.
>> And it it it sucked. It's it's sucked.
>> Is that your origin story for the rest
of your life?
>> It felt like the second chapter of my
life. Like there was there was the
chapter where it's like me and my dad.
>> Yeah.
>> Me and my dad and sometimes I have to
see my evil stepdad.
>> Mhm.
>> And then at that point it was like
[ __ ] this everything sucks. And I think
it [ __ ] I mean
>> But yeah I'm sure you can go like,
"Yeah, I get it. He's in a relationship.
He's a new dad with this other woman. He
wants to do that to that She's with the
guy and she wants to be a woman in a
relationship and like you become an
inconvenience.
>> Yeah. And also my dad when I was a kid
he told me he said to me every all the
time he'd say, "Son, I'm never going to
have another kid." And my mom would
always go like, "I don't know why the
[ __ ] he said that to you."
>> Yeah.
>> And it's like he if he said if he said
they should have worn a condom every
time.
>> Yeah.
>> And and so it was just like a betrayal
of like the the deep inner narrative
that I had was like I'm my dad's guy.
>> Hey.
You should like and subscribe.
>> [laughter]