Video summary
Gianmarco Soresi opens the conversation by reflecting on his childhood struggles with being unathletic and self-conscious about his body, particularly during puberty when he felt out of place at pool parties. Despite these early insecurities, he always possessed a deep desire to perform and be witnessed, a trait that manifested in his love for dancing and entertaining others from a very young age. He explains that while he feels depressed and disconnected in everyday life, stepping onto the stage transforms him, making him feel truly alive and capable of joy. This intense need for performance is so profound that he compares the feeling of being on stage to the rush of taking Adderall, noting that both states make him feel energized and present in a way that normal daily life does not.
Soresi discusses his journey with mental health, acknowledging his susceptibility to depression which often manifests as a narcissistic insecurity where he feels he "sucks." He admits to using Adderall, initially obtained from an unlicensed source, to help him feel better and function, though he is now seeking a legitimate prescription from a real doctor to ensure safety and proper dosage. He recognizes the risks of over-reliance on stimulants but believes that managing his depression is necessary to stop the constant negative self-talk. For him, happiness is not about achieving a permanent state of euphoria but rather finding moments of connection with his girlfriend and close friends where he can simply exist without thinking about work or mortality.
The interview also touches on how Soresi has learned to find contentment outside of professional achievements, even though performing remains his primary source of fulfillment. He describes the process of learning to appreciate simple rituals like Shabbat dinners, which initially felt foreign and chore-like but eventually brought him a sense of peace he had not experienced before. While he still feels an intense urge to perform and has found that watching others on stage can feel like torture compared to being up there himself, he is learning to trust that his need for the spotlight will be satisfied later. Ultimately, Soresi concludes that while he must continue to fight his depression and manage his chemical dependencies, finding small pockets of happiness in connection and acceptance is key to his well-being.
Read the full video transcript
You have a flare for the dramatic.
>> Yeah. Deeply unathletic. Like just
brutal.
>> It is a funny thing that like you kind
of have to be athletic as a kid.
>> Yeah.
>> It's just an odd thing cuz it's not once
you're an adult completely goes away.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> Like there's no premium on being
athletic.
>> And it's crazy cuz now I
>> I mean on the in the now what
>> now I you know work out and all these
things. As a kid, it was one of those
things where it's like I think I was I
was so out of shape. No sports are going
to be fun. It's like first you got to
get me a little bit in shape so I'm not
huffing and puffing.
>> Chubby. I had I had big tits. Great.
>> And I was very self-conscious about my
tits.
>> Great.
>> Uh
>> t-shirt in the pool. That type thing.
>> No, but the second I got out of the
pool, I put the towel around me here.
>> Yes.
>> And some guy was like, "That's Women
wear the towels like that." And I was
like, "Get the [ __ ] out of here. [ __ ]
you." [laughter]
There's so many pool parties right at
this moment like when you're truly going
through puberty.
>> It's Bo Burnham that great sequence in
eighth grade where it's like
[music]
>> Yes.
>> the entrance to the pool party and it
was like
>> it's brutal.
>> Yeah. [snorts]
>> So yeah, I think I always liked
performing like from I used to like my
dad would put on disco music and my mom
too and I would dance in the living
room. We danced just [ __ ] around and
and I said at like four like we got to
get this living room on a stage so
people can witness this. I don't know
what it is.
>> What is that?
>> Because you're not do you're not like
I'm a child. I like when people are just
hungry for showbiz for no reason other
than they came out hungry for show.
Not like this origin story of like my
father and it's it's it sounds like you
just wanted to do it anyway and then all
this stuff was like fuel for the fire,
but you already had the fire.
>> I think I have like a desire to be
witnessed like when I'm on when I'm on
stage like I'm not a big laugher. Yeah.
>> In general. And then when I'm on stage,
I'm I just feel whatever I don't feel
depressed. I feel I feel like I could
laugh. I feel like I could dance. Yeah.
If I'm at a wedding and and and
everyone's dancing, I'm like, I can't do
if I'm on stage.
>> Yeah.
>> I'm alive. And so it's just a missing
piece or it's just
>> you judge yourself for it.
>> No, I've accepted this is like who I am.
You know, it was funny because I do
Aderal now and then prescribed by a drug
dealer and I I told my my girlfriend, I
said, "When I take Adderall, when I'm
like high on speed, I'm like, this is
kind of how I feel when I'm on stage."
>> Yeah.
>> I feel really alive.
>> Why don't you take it every day?
>> I I I'm going because I want to go to I
want to get it really prescribed by a
real doctor. The person I saw was like,
I could have gotten anything from this
person over my Zoom appointment. I want
to go to a real doctor to prescribe me
the right dosage. It scares me.
>> Okay.
>> It scares me. It's so It's so good. It's
so good.
>> Well, the only problem is just getting
frying your neurons, I think.
>> Well, yeah, that's my fear.
>> Yeah, but you know, I the real whatever.
I'm sure I tellalth isn't the best, but
it's not.
>> This woman I said I said, "Hey, is it
okay like if I take out her all the day?
Could I smoke pot that night?" And she
was in her camera. He goes, "Let me
Google it." And I was like, "Okay, okay.
I'd like to see a doctor."
>> Yeah. One of those if it's like if you
if it makes you feel better all the
time, are you a better person
uh in those in those outer windows?
>> I think so.
>> Yeah.
>> I think so. Cuz I'm I you know, when
you're when I'm depressed, it becomes so
narcissistic. You're you know, the the
insecurity is narcissistic in that it's
all about like I suck.
>> Yeah. God, I [ __ ] suck.
>> There's still a spotlight on you.
>> Yes.
>> It's the blue They put a blue gel on it.
>> Yeah. And the desire is to be like, "And
now I will no longer suck." Yes. And I
if I do this, maybe I won't suck
anymore.
>> Yeah. So you I have a you're I didn't
You're prone to depression.
>> Uh yeah. I I think it's one of those
things where it's like I've never been
Sometimes I go, "Oh, well, if I haven't
been suicidal," you almost negate the
level of depression. But yes, I'm
>> but I somebody who's never really been
suicidal. It's like a you know it's like
a if you feel like you have a
you know lead vest on yourself all the
time.
>> Yeah. I could be I could be depressed.
>> Yeah. Like that's a fair I but then you
wonder how I'm sure you've ask yourself
this question. I'm wondering what your
answer is. How happy should a person be?
And how much of it is just you ever look
at your parents and go like well okay so
it's apparently the stats are like it's
55 to 60% genetic
>> is your like ceiling of what like what
they're kind of like is
>> and then you can kind of manipulate the
rest but
>> I'm not someone who's like oh you got to
be happy all the time. It's just like
can you are you occasionally happy? Can
you have moments? Can you find happiness
with your partner with your friends? My
dad is someone who where like the
depression just took over the and and
just wouldn't fight it. Wouldn't change
his behaviors in any way, shape, or form
to come out of it. And you're like I
just think you have to like fight your
depression at least a little. It's got
to be a battle.
>> Yeah,
>> it's got to be a battle. And sometimes
you need to win.
>> How do you win?
>> Just a moment where you feel
>> what are the what leads up to the wins?
Is it is it achievement? Is it is it uh
connection? Is it
>> achievement in work feel almost like a
different thing and I'm like that's
important too. But like for me the kind
of happiness that was so tough to find
is like you know me and my girlfriend
are just talking or chilling and we're I
feel fun or like my my few closer
friends like we're just hanging out and
I'm not thinking about how much I suck
or work or anything. I'm just like I'm
just laughing with these guys right now
and I'm not thinking about we're going
to die. Who's going to die first? It's
you.
>> It's me for sure. The anxiety. My god.
[snorts]
And and you know, sometimes weed helps
that. I think that's why I wish I got
high earlier because it was like
sometimes it it helps stoke the flames.
>> Sometimes aderal does and then and then
sometimes you get it on your own once in
a while.
>> If you had to say once in the natural
version, the raw dog version, what how
often do you think that is?
>> More I have more little pockets with
like with with my my girlfriend. I think
it took a long time to separate
achievement like I had to be working. I
had to be working and that's all I was
thinking about. And I think through a
lot of trial and error and arguments,
there are spaces with the two of us
where I'm like, okay, I feel happy just
the two of us here in this room and I'm
not thinking about some bigger picture
thing and it flows. It comes in.
>> Did achievement silence the lambs so to
speak a little bit? Some sometimes
people will say like what do you want to
achieve in your in your life and you
know I could list things but I'm like
honestly the happiest is when I'm just
on stage doing standup and I'm like and
I have that
>> now I have to figure out how to be happy
cuz things will come they'll go but like
if you ask me like what do I want to be
doing any given moment I'm like yeah
it's on stage and I do that.
>> Yeah
>> the room could get bigger.
>> Sure.
>> I don't know if it would even be more
fun if bigger like I am I am on this is
I I have that part of my life
>> now. I have to feel now I have to
address some of the other things.
>> When you say address it, what do you So
you've got aderall, you've got weed,
you've got
>> connection sometimes. What do how are
you how are you addressing it?
>> My my girlfriend grew up religious, but
like okay, we'll do Shabbat dinner and
Friday night will be this Friday it's
it's just having people over and it's
it's uh prepping a space and having
company and it all all feels foreign. It
all feels like a chore to me because I
didn't grow up Yeah. valuing it and then
somewhere along the Shabbat dinner
you're sitting there you go like
>> ah this is nice
>> like I get yeah I get it I get why
people like this
>> that's good and it's not you don't and
it's it's not followed by like but man I
could be on stage
>> it's it's chilled that voice is chilled
and performing so much that sometimes
you're like yeah I feel
>> I don't want this minute yeah
>> I've been seeing more Broadway shows
recently and I think for a long time I
would just go and I'd feel like torture
like the same thing you'd go
Like I've never really like strip clubs
are not a thing because I go like this
is torture. I'm going to go watch
someone and then [laughter]
>> will I [ __ ] me and I can't have sex with
and then leave. And that's what like
going to Broadway felt like is like I'd
be like I want to be up there.
>> Yeah.
>> Why do I want to see other people doing
this?
>> And I think
through time getting older and just so
much [ __ ] stage time that now I go
and I'm like I don't need to be on
stage.
>> Yeah. Give me three days off stage and I
start itching. Yeah, I know how to like
>> satiate that itch now and trust that
it's gonna that I'll be able to satiate
it later.