Fighting for Your Marriage When All Feels Lost

This is Dan Stephanie Burke. Welcome to Divine Intimacy Radio, your radio haven of rest, >> your hermitage of the heart, >> your monastery of the mind, where we lift our hearts and minds to heaven to draw upon the wisdom of the saints to help us navigate the tumult of this very challenging life. And today we're continuing our answering questions from the spiritual warfare and the family summit. >> Okay. And uh we just got so many we never and and we'll I think we're adding these to the vault. We adding these to the vault producer. Yeah. >> Are you going to tell our listeners what the vault is? >> The vault is a way that you can get access to um whatever we offered at the summit. >> So do you know the URL for that producer lady? >> Spiritualdirection.com. Uh [clears throat] / vault v u l a >> v a u l >> v a u lt 2026. >> There you go. >> spiritual direction.com/vault2026. And there's all kinds of amazing content in there. Uh okay. So there's a there's a couple of questions that are kind of in the same vein, but they have enough nuance. We'll answer them separately. This one's a very sad question. M >> uh and my heart breaks for the person who asked as asked it and the person who's on the other side of this, but how do we stay in a marriage when a spouse is disabled and that disability is wrecking the family with choices and decisions that are related to financial, sexual, and physical matters. So you have someone who's who's you know when somebody experiences a disability and I have myself where I was out for months and months you know with illness and and uh struggle with that. It can affect the way you the way you think the way you pray you know >> the way you perceive yourself >> the way you understand yourself. Yeah. >> So, I just want to speak to that and say this person who's doing all the damage and who's suffering is uh needs mercy too, >> you know. >> So, they're doing some bad things in response to what they're struggling with, >> but you know, it's it's a tough situation. >> Yeah. Yeah. Um, you know, I I think there's a bit of a a false narrative here that happens. >> Mhm. um whether it's this kind of cross or any other cross for that for that matter >> is that the enemy is such a opportunist. >> Yeah. >> He's such an opportunist >> um in that he he will he will latch on to whatever situation of suffering that's going on. Um he will multiply the desolation within it. his voice becomes extraordinarily loud >> and God's voice and presence perceivably in your perception become very faint and distant. And so there's this um situation that's terribly destructive and painful and the enemy can can cause us to say all is hopeless. I can't take it anymore. Uh, this is too hard. I need to get out. I need to XYZ. Right. >> Yeah. >> Now, we're not talking about physical abuse where somebody's in danger. Um, we're we're not talking about um substance abuse that puts others in danger. >> Yeah. So, we're not saying we're not judging whether that's occurring in this, but we're just saying what your answer doesn't >> apply to that. We're we're taking those things off the table right now because this person used the word disability. >> Yeah. >> Which means there's something in it that is beyond that person's control. >> Right. >> Um now there's just so many nuance pieces here. So the spouse that has the disability, the the enemy goes after them and multiplies and takes them down >> through the because he latches on to that. He multiplies that situation for the spouse that's not who is the caretaker or is having to withstand the suffering as well. >> You know, there's a different kind of desolation um and work of the enemy against them. And the enemy seeks to destroy. He wants to separate, divide, isolate. Um everything's impossible. You know, false um false uh what is it called? False obstacles. >> Universal. Yeah. False obstacles and universal negatives, you know. So, in all of this, >> like what what is a couple to do? Because there there's not just one person in this narrative. There's two. There's the person that is suffering the disability because it is a suffering and there's the p the caretaker who is suffering in it and having to be the strong one and help and do all those things. And really at the core of it is prayer, fasting, sacrifice, rosary >> from the non-disability person. They need to be super strong spiritually. >> Yes. and and they need to not give up hope, >> not go into despair. >> Yeah. >> Um because, you know, I think there's this idea that, well, if I just get out and I, you know, if I can relieve this suffering by getting out >> Mhm. >> everything's going to be okay, >> right? >> And it's it's just not true. It doesn't because it sets off an avalanche of of the spirit of divorce and consequences that we never see coming until we're in it. And Dan and I loved it. >> Yeah. Yeah. Dan and I can really speak to that. That's why >> it is like like we will talk about separation, a medicinal separation to work through things, to get counseling, to get support systems, >> um you know, to shore things up. Maybe that's necessary in this situation. I don't know. But we're not ones to ever advocate for divorce, >> right? >> Um because we understand what happens through divorce. >> It's devastating everyone. And in this case, I do want to go to the medicinal. I'm glad you went there >> because it says financial, sexual, physical. >> It sounds like, you know, you have [laughter] always go to the green, yellow, red. So yellow is that realm you started with where there's difficulties in marriage and you got to strengthen yourself spiritually. Red is when there's abuse and this sounds that level when you start when you use the word sexual and physical >> and financial. It sounds like the person with a disability is just kind of spiraling out of control maybe in a m major depression. Mhm. >> It is appropriate sometimes as you noted in the church allows for medicinal separation. Meaning it's a separation with the intent of getting back together, >> right? >> It's a separation so that you can heal emotionally, get some distance from the constant struggle, get your head about you, right? Because when you're struggling with this, and I know this personally, when you're struggling with abuse, you you get incredibly disoriented, >> you know, you can get incredibly disoriented where you don't have the ability to think straight. >> And so you separate out now now and then you get into counseling. It's got to include >> what what systems need to to be brought in. Yeah. to help, what needs to be addressed, what kind of proper boundaries need to be set up, right? >> Because if there's a sexual abuse towards the spouse, that's never acceptable. If there's sexual abuse, as in, >> you know, sexual behaviors, well, I mean, children, that's that's a, you know, that's a full stop. >> Um, the spouse or the children, that that's not to be allowed. that would be a means for separation, immediate separation to get some um proper boundaries and help. But counseling, medical doctors, all of those things, it it is okay [clears throat] to say, "I'm going to drown under this situation right now. I need to step out and get a breath of air in a medicinal separation." And we need to we need to approach this a different way, get proper support systems and all of that. So, I'm going to close this question out with some really clear uh prescriptions. One, I really think you need a Catholic community around you. So, you've got to find good Catholic people who are and I can tell you to find good for you is they're going to encourage you to stay in the relationship if it's viable and they're going to encourage you to fight for all that is good and unifying and healing >> and find hope in the darkness. The other thing is you got to be practicing mental prayer every day. >> You got to be praying the Archangel Michael prayer every day. >> Praying your rosary. >> If you can do three rosaries a day, you need to be praying as much as possible. >> Yeah. >> Fasting. >> Yeah. >> All that you can. >> But I but I'm not I'm not talking about I'm talking about base level, you know, foundational. It's good to pray three rosaries a day, but some people can't barely get one in. So, foundational level stuff, but do that and and pray and fight and then get get a good counselor, a good Catholic counselor. Catholic therapist.com is a good source. Uh if you don't have a spiritual director, that can be even more powerful than a good counselor. You can find that at um seekdirection.ap. Uh those those are some good resources for you. But >> get some community. Um, you know, you can join us for formation the second and fourth Saturdays of the month. >> Yeah. >> Um, which would help you a lot as well. So this to get out of a sense of isolation. Um, because that's what the enemy really wants to do. >> Stephanie's referencing good community. It's apostilyva.org. Aposte.org. And we we do free formation for hundreds of folks second and four Saturdays. And it's a it's a worldwide community as well that you'd be entering into. Um and and everything on the site's free and it'll it has courses on mental prayer on uh on uh persevering in the midst of the storm. It has, you know, all kinds of good stuff there for you. >> So, uh >> rest assured of our prayers. >> Yeah, we'll definitely be praying for you. It's it's it's a very painful thing. We're going to go to break and then when we come back we're going to answer the question um what if you don't if you're not in love with your spouse anymore. It's a big >> big that's another very very painful question. Before we go to break though I want to remind you of this book which I think is absolutely it's a book I wish I had when we had when our teens were teens. >> Yeah. >> It's discernment of spirits for beginners. It was written with Mary Ruth Hackett who is a as a educational psychology degree with an emphasis in parenting and identity uh um development. And I did it with her because she has kids teens and 20s. She has both when we're writing the book and she has the psychological background. And it's really it's incredibly powerful to help your kids get their heads on Ryder or your young adults. Check that out at spiritualdirection.com and hit the shop button. But uh we're going to go to break now. When we get back, we'll answer more of your questions. Welcome back to Divine Intimacy Radio. Dan and Stephanie Burke. Stephanie's back from her pilgrimage. grateful to have her back and uh we are going we're continuing to answer questions from our spiritual warfare and uh in the family conference and you can you can still have access to that conference and many of the talks and even some of these follow-up uh answers that we're giving by going to spiritualdirection.com/vault2026 v a lt 2026. So this question um is a incredibly painful question >> but I want to restate it and say one quick thing and then I'll give it to you uh Steph and that is it says what do you what if you feel like you are not in love with your spouse anymore and my answer in the simplest most concise way that I can and and if you're the one who asked it please listen carefully and then we'll unpack it for you is real Love begins when feelings end. [clears throat] >> That's great. >> Real love begins when feelings end. You can you might even say real love begins when feelings begin to wayne. >> Mhm. >> Right. >> I'm grateful. I mean, not to blunt it in the face of somebody who's struggling that I have not experienced that with you in our relationship, >> but um that I love you more than when I first met you. Now there isn't the elation, you know, that happens when you're first courting. >> Oh, [laughter] >> that's so sad. >> You know, it's true, >> too. >> There's not the elation and all the, you know, the raging >> desire and stuff that happens when we're cuz we're designed by God for those things to bring us together and to get us past all the mess that we are when we come together. That's the design for that. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Otherwise, you can't make it through if you don't have that. But real love begins when feelings begin to wayne or feelings end. What are your thoughts? >> Yeah, this is an interesting question because I've lived through this. >> Yeah. >> Um both ways and um it's it's a fascinating question. I'm going to go at this from the spiritual realm. [clears throat] >> Mhm. the spiritual realm >> because we're faith and reason. >> Yeah. >> And as I always say, the enemy is an opportunist, right? >> Life gets hard. You know, we've we've courted or dated somebody and we think we found our night in shining armor and he did everything right. He said all the right things. He always smelled good. He always brought us flowers. Uh he texted and called us all the time. He was he hung on our every word. and watched our every movement and just thought we were the bee's knees. Um, and then life happens and diapers happen and difficulties, dirty dishes, financial struggles, emotions, hormones, mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, business troubles, you know, you name it. Um, disease, you know, all kinds of things hit it. And then we're going, we wake up one day and because we are desolate, we hear this voice that says, "I don't love him anymore. You don't love him anymore." And I'm just going to take this from the female perspective. Okay? You can you can speak to the other if you like. Um I I think it's a it's a bigger problem for women because we tend to be motivated by feelings more than men. Men can compartment compartmentalize, you know, as long as their bed room is kind of peaceful. They can, you know, just kind of put up with a lot, but they just want peace in their bedroom. That's kind of where you get the husband if you start to if things start to devolve in the bedroom. Um, is my personal opinion. Um, so like what do you do when you feel that? Well, it like with any discernment of spirits, we have to be aware, understand, and take action. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage. He wants to destroy you. He wants to destroy your marriage. He wants to destroy your kids, >> wreck your kids. He wants to go after your kids. He wants to go after your sexual union because that's the glue >> um when you're in a state of grace that holds you together and helps you to withstand some of the other things. And so if he can whisper into your head when you're tired, worn out, weary, um just exhausted emotionally, physically, spiritually, hormonally, blah blah blah, then he can whisper into your head when you look at him, you know, you don't love him anymore. >> Yeah. >> You should just give up. And >> the the other thing the enemy does, and wonder if you experience, is is they'll also begin to >> constantly talk to you about their flaws. Oh, that's part of it. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. It's he's not meeting your needs. He doesn't listen to you. He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't see you. >> And and then as we spew those things out towards our spouse, then we create a self-fulfilling pro prophecy. >> We create a cycle of sin and destruction. >> It is terrible when we cannot keep our mouth closed. We have no discernment. So every thought that comes in our head >> comes [clears throat] out of our mouth towards our husband and then he starts to go do the very things that we're accusing him of doing and we're surprised, right? Because we're not building him up. We're not respecting him. We're not loving him. We're not serving him. >> We're not doing what we are called to do in Ephesians 5, which is respect him. >> Yeah. >> And love him. >> Now, are we to only do that when he's great? No. So, back to this, you know, voice. I've heard that voice. I've heard it in my past life, and unfortunately, I've heard it in this life with you. >> Mhm. >> Um, and it was it was short-lived, but it was a trial that the Lord showed me. And when I when I noted it, I was like, whoa, what is that? >> Because that's not me. And I I I've smelled that demon before. >> I know what that is. >> You've succumbed to it before. I have succumbed to it in my my past in my life before I ever met you. >> Yeah. >> So I recognized it. I understood what was happening and I took action. >> Yeah. >> And I said, "In the name of Jesus, get off me." >> Yeah. >> Get out of my head. And what did I do? I did the opposite. I went towards my husband. I went towards you. I went to love and serve you. I went and got in your space. You know, I moved over >> in the bed. you know, whatever I needed to do, but I went towards you >> the opposite direction of what the enemy was, which is one of the one of the discernment spirits. >> It is absolutely key. And guess what? It was exceedingly short-lived. It was like gone. Yeah. >> Because we know if we resist the devil quickly, he will flee. And then we draw near to the Lord and he will draw near to us. Yeah. >> And I remember praying in that moment, get off me in the name of Jesus. Get off me. I move toward you and I'm like, Jesus, help me. Yeah. Yeah. >> Blessed mother, help me. And I'm praying and I'm doing the St. Michael prayer because I knew I was under spiritual attack. >> Yeah. >> And cuz that is what that is. Please understand that is what that is. And the goal is to destroy your marriage and then go after your kids and destroy your kids. So the the key is resist it. Renounce it. Don't listen to it. Go towards your husband. Start working on your on your marriage. Read this. >> Read Discernment of Spirits for beginners. Read Discernment of Spirits. Watch the series. Come to a marriage retreat. Yeah. >> You know, we offer these marriage retreats. We have seven on the books for 2027, >> which is like unheard of. And the the demand is like through the roof. >> She's trying to wear me out. [laughter] >> It's the Lord. So, believe in Jesus. >> Come, you know, come and learn what's going on in your marriage. And um you know so >> if I could speak to something too is when you feel like you don't love your spouse anymore it's probably means there's a lot of pain that's gone through the relationship that sort of thing. >> The one thing you got to understand is you have the spouse you have because you need the spouse you have for your salvation. >> Yeah. >> Which means that the Lord is giving you opportunity in your relationship to become who you're called to be. And if you give up because you because you're struggling with your attraction or whatever or your feelings, you're I promise you, you're going to replay it. >> Yep. And the devil will take you down, by the way. >> Yeah. >> And he will if you turn and you do not fight for your marriage, the enemy will come after you. He'll devour you and he will try to he'll go after your kids. >> And the reason is is because you are you're giving in to him. You're saying yes to him instead of to God. >> Yeah. >> And so you which is an invitation. It's like saying to the devil, "Yeah, come on in. Take me. Take my kids." >> Yeah. >> So you know how we feel. You asked, you know, how's this with a man? I for me it's a whole different scenario in the sense that I theologically when I became a Christian, I understood love is not a feeling. It it it does have feelings associated with it, but it's not essentially the essence of love is not in how I feel. >> The essence of love is self-giving. Self-denial for the sake of self-giving um for the purpose of of serving the other that and in that you can see love is an action. It's not a feeling. It's a commitment of living and giving yourself away like Jesus did for us. Mhm. >> And so, so I never have been I've become more sensitive to this person who suffers with this issue because our culture just tells non-stop lies about, you know, you are what you feel. I feel like a woman, so let's go get surgery to fix that. You know, >> um or I feel like a man, let's go get surgery to fix that. Rather than saying, well, what is subjective reality? You know, you you you have man parts, so you're a man. Um, but in terms of marriage and love, love is is self-giving. And and the last thing I'll say about this, which is pretty important, as you are with men, so you are with God. As you are with men, so you are with God. I want you to remember that we when >> can we say it a different way? As you are with your spouse, >> so you are with God. >> So you are with God. And really let that sink in. How you behave with your spouse, how you are towards him or her, >> how or her, how you love and serve them, how you relate to them is how you relate to God. >> Right? And if you don't believe that, just go meditate on the epistles of John in the New Testament. And do it for about a month and you'll come away, well, not very long, you're going to come away slack jawed, so to speak, and just going, "Oh, wow. I can't live this way." Mhm. >> And hopefully it'll bring you to a new understanding of who you are and who the Lord is. But what that means is is that, you know, we can think, "Oh, I'm fine with the Lord. I go to mass. I do these religious things." But then the way that we comport ourselves with other people, we don't we don't make that as part of the equation of I'm okay, >> right? >> But scripture does, the word of God does, the words of God do. Mhm. >> And and it's really when you when you have a lack of love, you have to understand that's a deficiency in your spiritual life between you and God. >> Yeah. >> That then is playing out in your marriage. You get your spiritual life right, >> you'll begin to see some healing in marriage, which is what we talk about at at our marriage retreats. If you want to learn more about marriage retreats, uh go out to spiritualdirection.comvents or events page. Um, if you went out uh right as this is published, you may not see events, but we do have seven or so coming uh divine intimacy and marriage retreats coming next year, 2027. >> Mhm. >> And uh so they will they will be listed sometime soon. They fill up fast. We have had over 50 uh on the wait list from our current retreat that's coming up here sometime soon. So with that, >> until next time, may the God of peace make you perfect in holiness. May he preserve you whole and entire, spirit, soul, and body, irreroachable at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.