Video summary
Brett Cooper opens his discussion with a stark assessment of the current state of dating advice for young people, describing it as terrible and existing within a treacherous landscape that has become barren due to over-reliance on technology. He notes that many in his generation were never taught traditional courtship skills; instead, their first experiences occurred exclusively through dating apps like Tinder and Hinge. This shift has created confusion regarding how to approach women or initiate relationships without the guidance of mentors, a gap highlighted when Cooper joined sorority life at UCLA as an older student. There, he was shocked by peers who had never dated before but were sexually experienced, illustrating that his generation's lack of real-world dating practice is not due to moral failing but rather because they have simply gone online where the interaction model has fundamentally changed into a game-like mechanic of swiping and direct messaging. The core issue Cooper identifies is "mutually assured deception," where both men and women protect themselves by remaining aloof, sardonic, or standoffish out of fear of being hurt or appearing gullible. While he acknowledges that approaching someone can always be scary—a challenge historically addressed through therapies like CBT for approach anxiety—he argues that modern culture has pathologized this natural difficulty rather than viewing it as a hurdle to overcome. He contends that while the conditions have changed since 1960, making dating harder in terms of social networks and agency, acknowledging these challenges should not lead to giving up; vulnerability remains necessary despite the risk because opening oneself up offers incredible rewards. A significant portion of Cooper's argument addresses how women are often encouraged by society to hold themselves as immutable perfectionists while blaming external factors for their lack of success, a dynamic he finds patronizing and disempowering. He contrasts this with men who are told they must be mutable and change themselves to fit the world. Cooper suggests that personal development should apply equally to both genders, urging women to examine what they bring to the table rather than settling or waiting passively for ideal partners like those in finance with specific physical traits found on social media. He emphasizes that if one does not see desired options, the solution is often self-improvement and leveling oneself up to meet high-value individuals who care about health, children, and shared values, thereby taking agency back from a cynical dating market. Cooper shares his personal journey as an example of this philosophy in action, recounting how he met his husband at work despite their mutual belief that they would never date colleagues. He explains that while he previously pursued arrogant and cocky men who seemed intimidated by his intelligence and success, he eventually found a partner who was comfortable in his own skin and open rather than defensive. This relationship felt like "going home," especially given the geographical ties to Chattanooga where Cooper grew up, reinforcing the idea that falling for someone solid requires dropping defenses. His mother's advice not to date until thirty is reinterpreted as knowing oneself before marriage, a lesson he took seriously after moving from Idaho to Nashville and witnessing shifting gender dynamics in an increasingly unstable world. Ultimately, the episode concludes with a call to reject despondency and cynicism on both sides of the dating spectrum by embracing responsibility for one's own growth and circumstances. Cooper warns that while there is always a small cohort willing to improve themselves who will secure good partners quickly, most people are held back by culture rather than inherent flaws. He encourages listeners to stop putting their search for connection on hold for career perfection or waiting until they feel "ready," noting that building a fulfilling life alongside a significant other is more rewarding than achieving it alone first. By shifting the mindset from blaming the world to improving oneself, individuals can navigate the modern dating landscape with greater agency and hope rather than retreating into isolation or superficial standards.
Read the full video transcript
how would you categorize the state of
dating advice for young people at the
moment terrible it's awful uh it's a
treacherous landscape it is just Barren
um one thing that I've been talking a
lot about on the show and I would
actually love to hear your thoughts on
this because we've talked about dating
here and there um I just don't think my
generation knows how like I was never
taught how to date my first dating
experiences were on dating apps which is
wild and so I hear about young men not
wanting to approach women and obviously
there's the me too movement there's a
lot of concerns about rejection women
are now saying by and large they want to
be approached but obviously so many
women are just like oh that's creepy
whatever it's very confusing there are
nuances in dating and approaching women
and starting relationships that you kind
of have to just learn and my generation
I don't think we've ever had to do that
I mean again like I went to UCLA was 18
but I went in as a junior and I joined a
cuz I wanted to have like the All
American traditional experience wanted
to do something traditional for once in
my life and right after I rushed the
sorority and got in I was sitting in a
room with my big and she was like what
my big do you know what that is no okay
so in GRE in Greek life you have like
bigs and Littles so I was somebody's
little so when I joined the sority there
was somebody who is who had already
joined a year prior right and they like
Usher you in or your Mentor your friend
yeah bigs and little with my big we're
on the same page yep yeah yes um and
fraternities have that as well anyway I
was sitting with her in her room and
they were shocked that I had never been
on Tinder that I had never dated before
they were shocked that I was a virgin I
mean it was just like like this is
insane how could you and I mean and I
found out later on I mean these girls
had had you know multiple abortions and
were very very sexually and you know
relationship wise ahead of me and I had
not thought anything of it up until this
point because I hadn't been around it
and I just kind of stayed in my own
bubble um and they're like you got to
get on Tinder you got to you got to do
it and there's no hazing allowed at UCL
there's especially not in sororities but
they kind of made a joke and they're
like this is you're going to be your
hazing you need to get on dating apps
this is how you're going to date and it
was so weird um the boy that I dated in
college like my high school not high
school my college boyfriend met on hinge
like that was how I dated that's how
everyone around me dated and so when I
hear you know people online when I'm
reading in the comment section like I
don't know how to approach somebody I'm
so nervous girls not knowing how to
respond it's because we've completely
lost that it's not their fault it's
because they've just gone online you're
sliding into DMS you're swiping right
and left and that's an addictive game in
and of itself and so then now we're
seeing you know droves of people leaving
dating apps especially with everything
that like Bumble did Bumble had a huge
loss when they did their ridiculous
Rebrand most idiotic thing they've ever
done um people wanting to be off the
apps but not knowing how to date outside
of them so it really is it's abysmal for
a lot of reason re but especially that
is what I've been thinking about
recently yeah I I had this idea of
mutually assured deception which I think
is what a lot of people have they're so
scared of opening up because one of the
worst things that you can be is gullible
and naive in dating you know there's
something kind of cool about being aloof
and a bit sardonic and a bit standoffish
you know I'm too good for this there's
no way that you could hurt me yeah you
know it's sort of easy come easy go but
I think that that is just a suboptimal
solution to a suboptimal problem like
that is someone trying to reverse
engineer the dating environment into
their preferences as opposed to doing it
the other way around so yeah you have
two people neither of whom are prepared
to open up fully in case they get hurt
both of whom are terrified of being hurt
and both of whom just never show
themselves to the other person corre so
yeah I think uh that's a big concern and
then when it comes to the approaching
thing and the the being in real life
it's always been that way like the
reason that the guy that founded CBT
founded CBT was to overcome his approach
anxiety for women that was originally
what it was designed for so this has
happened for as long as time has been
around the difference now I think is
that any small psychological challenge
becomes pathologized and becomes laid at
the feet of the modern world so this is
because of Tinder this is because of
online dating it's like what if this was
just endemic to being a guy that
approaching a woman is going to be scary
and always going to be scary and maybe
the difference now is that you're just a
bit less socially Adept you haven't
spent that much more time out and about
you don't have robust social networks
you don't really know as many people
that kind of a thing and what it feels
like from the inside is oh my God if
only it was 50 years ago this would have
been super easy which actually takes a
lot of agency away from you which would
have been it was going to be hard then
in 1960 always going to be hard
precisely the condition are different
the conditions are different and you
have to acknowledge that but that should
not be the reason why you turn inward
and just say never mind I'm giving it up
because there is no hope there were
always going to be problems there was
always going to be hurdles that you had
to overcome with dating dating is not
easy it's not fun nobody likes you know
opening up you know and being very
vulnerable and be like stab me in the
heart if you don't like me nobody likes
that but if you acknowledge that and
understand that you know the risk could
come with just an incredible reward and
an incredible payoff but you do have to
take responsibility and you do have to
take those steps I also think for women
especially women by and large are having
you know they're setting these insane
standards and very very very very
superficial standards I mean you see it
on social media there was that whole
trend of like you know I want a guy in
finance who's 65 blue eyes did you see
that she like wrote this whole song
about it yeah yeah yeah and it's a joke
but it's not
because they've they have this image in
their mind of what kind of guy they want
and I think they see a lot of
relationships on social media they see
men on social media you know this is
going to be the guy that's available to
me when you look at those numbers of you
know the percentage for both men and
women of men who are whatever height
they want make you know six figures plus
are single are not overweight are
between this age bracket the rounding
era yeah yeah and the same goes for
women like you know if you want a woman
who is not on the left is not on any
kind of um anti-depressants who's you
know a certain weight that one is I love
the fact that I love the fact that the
equivalent for women of a guy being six
foot and six figures with a six back is
not an anpress and not on the left yes
not obese I mean and again tiny and
obviously I'm not saying have no
standards the bars you know on the
floor but you also have to meet people
where they are and you also have
to know what you're bringing to the
table and be aware of like what you will
be able to get basically like what is
the mutually what am I trying to say
here to figure out the right way to
phrase
this it's like who is your equal partner
in the dating Marketplace do you think
that there's a case for settling in that
case I don't think I don't think of it
settling I think of it as
being again aware of what your options
are and what you're bringing to the
table like I talk to women all the time
and you know I want this I want this I
want this what are you bringing like are
you are you the type of woman that these
men are going to go for are you the high
value woman I kind of hate those terms
but you know the high value woman the
high value man if you aren't going to
the gym if you aren't taking care of
yourself if you you know don't like
children if you only care about your
career and you don't want to you know if
you hate the patri I don't want to
support a man I don't want to care about
a man and you want a provider man who is
you know fit in shape cares about his
health that's not going to match up he's
not going to go for you MH and so then
if you're not seeing what you want in
the dating landscape that I say like put
it on yourself then what can you do to
level yourself up if you don't like the
options that are available to you what
can you do to put yourself in the
situation where you're going to meet
those types of people and be on their
level number one that just makes you a
better human being because you're
bettering yourself but then again it's
putting the agency back on the eles of
like you have the opportunity to make
the change in that's a very radical
message I think to give to women it's
kind of radical to give to men because
at the moment there's a lot of sort of
despondency and cynicism and and
Melancholy on both sides but especially
for women there's a an Insight that I
learned a couple of years ago that
personal development for men and
personal development for women are
completely uh inverted so men are told
that the world is immutable and you are
mutable so you have to wrap yourself up
and change yourself in order to fit
around the world and women are told that
the world is mutable and you are
immutable you are perfect as you are and
it's the world's problem that you need
to change and to me that's massively
patronizing but the other reason is that
it doesn't actually allow it doesn't um
Empower women to change because they
think if there's any problem out there
in the world it's because of the world
and not because of me so if you're today
then say the reason that you are not
getting the kind of guy that you want is
maybe your fault maybe there's something
you could do to get yourself up to that
no no no you should love as you are
queen you're already a 10 he doesn't
deserve you drives me up a wall well the
the main problem with it is that there
is a small cohort of women for whom
growth mindset and improving themselves
has been drilled into them and they're
just going to run away and pick up all
of the good guys because there's such a
small number of them out there and the
rest of them have been by this shitty
culture re and that's one of the reasons
why I you know didn't want to put dating
on hold just because of my career and
it's interesting so my mom and I talked
a lot about this
she always said you know don't date
until you're 30 she was you know she had
you at like 38 right yes and 42 I think
and um and that was kind of a joke but
not a joke and what she meant by that
was know yourself before you get married
um she did not mean that in that you
know you need to have the perfect career
the perfect Tas the perfect job which I
think is such a lie because it's much
more fulfilling to build that and get to
that point with your significant other
but that was kind of the running joke in
our family and then and when I graduated
college moved to Nashville we started
seeing the world change just gender
Dynamics I think she her eyes really
woke up or not woke up her eyes really
opened to all of that and seeing that
you know dating was not the same as when
she was dating um the world's stability
was just not the same and so when I you
know left Idaho and moved to nationville
she was like you need to find your
person she was like because the world
was not godamn it yeah and she so she
was saying you know this has to be be a
priority because the good ones are going
to get picked up they probably are being
and you know it's great you know focus
on your career but the women that are
out there knowing that they're going to
need a partner because the world is
getting increasingly unstable because we
don't know what's happening you know in
politics in you know whether there's
going to be some apocalypse she's very
much a prepper um and then also just in
terms of values like those are the ones
that are going to be snatched up from
the get-go and she was like don't put
that on hold she was like I'm sorry that
I told you don't date until you're 30
but that needs your mindset needs to
change about that and I'm so glad that
she did where did you meet your husband
uh through work wow who knew DA wire
yeah always said I would never do it he
yeah we both were like we'll never do
this both of us were like never date at
work and it was something I mean I don't
know it's like it sounds so woo woo but
literally he walked in I looked at him
and I was like that one I don't know why
didn't know anything about him something
about the way that he carried himself
he's super confident in a very
open and engaging way not a cocky way I
had always gone for very arrogant and
cocky guys in the past because I felt
like that is what I needed because I
thought that other men were going to be
and boys at that time in college were
going to be intimidated by me and my
success and my intelligence and the fact
that I you know graduated college at 19
years old like that was just I was like
that's what I needed and then I met him
and it was so solid there was no
insecurities he was so comfortable in
his own skin was not intimidated with
whatsoever um so caring so open just
literally just the way that he carried
himself and then got to know him and
realized that um we grew up five miles
apart he went to high school with my
brothers his photo had been in my
brother's four year books we have in my
mom's office for the last 15 years and I
had no idea when I met him or like laid
eyes on him um and so I've said this
before but falling in love with him and
marrying him is felt so much like going
home because it's like I have that tie
to
our
hometown um it was a town when a lot of
pretty dysfunctional things happened in
my family one of my brothers passed away
that's where we were living when that
happened so I've kind of had a
complicated relationship it's
Chattanooga here in
Tennessee um but all the pieces just
kind of came together and it was so easy
I mean I think I knew within like two
weeks of going out with him I was like
that's is this who I'm going to marry
this is it in other news this episode is
brought to you by Maui Nei venison Maui
Nei venison brings the healthiest bread
meat on the planet directly to your door
tastes incredible it's not too gy and it
is super easy to cook plus because I'm
always traveling the venine stakes make
it incredibly easy to avoid all of the
horrible airport food and hit my protein
goals and feel good about doing it not
only do they provide the most
nutrient-dense and protein dense red
meat on the planet they're the only
stress-free 100% wild harvested red meat
available I first heard about Maui Nei
from people like Tim Ferris and Andrew
hubman and Peter AA and I love the fact
that I'm able to support such an
incredible company run by a husband and
wife co-founder so you can get the
healthiest red meat on the planet
delivered directly to your door by going
to the link in the show notes below and
get 20% off your first order by going to
Maui venison docomo wisdom and using the
code modern wisdom a checkout that's M
aui Nui venison docomond wisdom and
modern wisdom a checkout thank you very
much for tuning in if you enjoyed that
clip you will love the full length
podcast with Brett which is available
right
here go on what are you waiting for