Dating Changes When You Realise This - Ex Pickup Artist Neil Strauss

Duration: 9:36 1909 transcript words EN summary

Video summary

In this discussion, Neil Strauss challenges the conventional dating hierarchy known as LMS (Luxury, Money, Status), which is often prioritized by men in the black pillar movement. While many assume that physical appearance and financial wealth are the primary drivers of attraction, Strauss argues that focusing on these external factors represents a "sad way to think." He posits that individuals live within their own constructed stories about how they should be perceived, noting that if one chooses to see the best in others, they will notice positive behaviors, whereas seeing only flaws leads to noticing negativity. Consequently, he suggests that status is often misdefined as mere popularity or external markers like height and income, when it actually stems from high-status internal behaviors such as confidence and self-assurance. Strauss illustrates this point with his personal experience in the dating world before writing *The Game*, where he encountered men who possessed significant looks, money, and fame yet engaged in low-status behaviors driven by deep insecurity. He explains that while external assets might get a foot in the door regarding initial attraction, it is one's authentic character that allows them to stay there; otherwise, they lose everything despite their gains. This disconnect between appearance and reality often leads to disenchantment among those who try to adopt "game" tactics without addressing underlying wounds. When individuals pretend to be someone else—such as an influencer promoting a lifestyle they do not embody—they create a split within themselves that prevents genuine connection, realizing too late that the persona does not reflect their true self-worth. The conversation further explores how people often fail to recognize what they truly desire because they focus on surface-level attributes rather than the underlying needs those attributes represent. For instance, women seeking tall or wealthy partners may actually be looking for feelings of safety and competence, which money symbolizes but does not guarantee if it is not accompanied by internal stability. Strauss emphasizes that anyone can embody these foundational qualities without needing to display visible wealth or height. He warns against the trap of external locus of control, where individuals blame others—specifically women—for their dating failures as a form of "cynicism safety blanket." This defensive mindset allows people to avoid failure and change by claiming it is everyone else's fault rather than taking responsibility for improving themselves through empathy and understanding. Ultimately, Strauss advocates for an internal locus of control, suggesting that while cynics may find comfort in never trying and thus never failing, this approach ultimately limits happiness and growth. He notes that when comparing oneself to successful others, one has two choices: strive to improve or attempt to bring the other person down to their own level; however, those who choose the latter often become loud voices of negativity rather than constructive critics. The core lesson is that true attraction and success in dating come from addressing the root causes of insecurity and embodying competence and security internally. By shifting focus from superficial metrics like money and looks to the internal qualities they represent, individuals can overcome their own wounds and build genuine connections without relying on a fragile persona or external validation.

Read the full video transcript

are you familiar with LMS do you know what that is no Lux money status it makes sense okay so it's the uh triage priority list that a lot of guys in the black pillar movement rely on and say is most important Lux is most important then money then status for men yes for men what's your thoughts my thoughts is it's like it's a sad way to think it's a sad it's a sad way to think um and uh I I guess like I'm just I'm just kind of thinking out loud I got a bunch of thoughts on the the stuff you're saying um but to speak back to your to speak back to your what what you were saying about what it's like to be someone I think like I think mostly we're all living in our own stories of what it's like and I think like if you choose to see the best in people you're going to notice the best behavior if you choose to see the worst in people you're going to notice the worst worst behavior and I think you're it starts with the eyes you're seeing the world through uh and so down to looks money St is I think that I mean I think St would probably I think they got it wrong I think that I think that there there's um that and how would they Define status I guess I'll ask you I wouldn't be too sure I would guess something like popularity right um so I I would say it's high status behaviors and I mean I know this because I went and hacked it in the game right as a guy who is not that good-look um as a guy like who at least at that time didn't didn't have any like you know wasn't someone recognized didn't have a lot didn't have status didn't have money didn't have looks didn't have Fame we realize and I also was a guy who once I wrote the game I had the people with the most looks the most money the most status calling me like this [ __ ] five6 big nose you know dude who keeps saying you know and can't even articulate a really clean sentence calling me advice the same [ __ ] I was thought I was alone dealing with they were dealing with the same thing and I think it really goes down to like how how you your the story you tell yourself more than money looks and status and then how you reflect that story as a simple example I've seen a lot of people with money looks in status engage in low status behaviors meaning being insecure being doubtful not caring themselves well not speaking just always being worried about what others thinking about them and whatever they whatever whatever those gained for them they lost it there's a line there's like a trador poem that like that's something about the when they were first sort of talking about making romance into art uh in that era that's like the eyes the eyes go forth to seek an image which they can then recommend to the heart and so I think the money looks in status like might get your foot in the door but after that it's who you are that enables you to stay in that door unless you're dealing with someone who has similarly low self-esteem right and is just out there looking for a Target who has those things because they've got their own wounds they feel like that gives them safety let's go Sor go ahead just one of the interesting Reflections that a lot of friends who maybe in the early 2010s were trying to do game and pickup and Day game and stuff like that what they realized was they became quite disenchanted I think with the world of dating because they saw what they needed to do in order to be attractive to women and then realized the distance that that was from who they really were or what they thought they needed to do in order to be attractive to women and realized that I can get what I want but what I want doesn't actually see me and that distance between the two of I'm having to tell them about the [ __ ] fight outside and do my Kino escalation and ignore the and do all the rest of the stuff that I think caused a lot of them to uh become very disenfranchised and disenchanted with the world of dating yeah I think I mean a couple couple thoughts and and to go back so again these are like the stories we we tell ourselves like I think that there's a learning process and maybe you learn I if I look back on the game you know there's so many different issues around it negative and positive and everything else um but I see it as a lot of sort of neurod diversion people trying to learn how to socially interact including myself right and so so for me I needed those little I didn't know just tell me what to say and like how to angle my body I was so I was so uncomfortable around people and then once I learned it then I could let it go the same way uh you learn anything which is sort of learning the rules and then throwing throwing them out y um so second I got three points to make but you're again these topics are so interesting right uh second thought is that another perspective on the on the LMS thing you said uh which which uh uh the second perspective is people don't know what they want so they might what they want are the things behind that so a way to think about uh for example he used to really hurt my self-esteem when I read personal ads and everyone wanted a guy was six feet or and and taller how how how tall are you 510 okay that's great right I'm I'm I'm I'm 5'6 you know may 56 and a half at a stretch right and it took me a long time to realize it wasn't height they were looking for what they were looking for was safety I want it feel when they when maybe what is let's just say what does money represent money represents that some some degree of you know security competence uh and competence that was the word I was looking for exactly competent so so if you look at the reasons underneath these and you embody the reasons underneath these which anybody can do the other stuff doesn't matter yeah I think that's where the sort of disenchantment came from which was not feeling like you had the actual Foundation realizing that you could create the glitzy sort of Mystique like you do not need to see how much money I have you do not need to see how much money I have and then going oh I can get what I want by pretending to play this game and deep down I still don't feel like I'm worthy of it I don't think that they see me what they see is this Persona as soon as you're saying I don't want you to know how little money I have you're like the influencer we were talking about earlier who's promoting a vegan diet diet while eating meat for dinner you know you're you're creating a split in yourself um so here's the other thing you were talking about is I think these people you're talking about you know the like the concept of locus of control like there's external locus of control and internal locus of control and I'm probably going to get these wrong so apolog apologies if I do um so the idea is like are the things that are happened to me the fault of others outside myself which is a nice thing to believe right it's just women are like that thus I'm opting out men are like that that's I'm just not dealing with that the world you know and so we're just saying we're creating this this it's everybody else's fault so I don't have to change I can just hate on them right uh or B the way I am and the way I think you are is that like this is going on how can I do better how can I change how can I do better how can I understand how can I be empathic and like it's a lot more work but man Le you're a lot happier yeah I think the benefit from the cynic perspective the benefit of never trying is never having to fail the pain of failure yeah that's I came up with this idea called the cynicism safety blanket which is basically that that's that's why it exists it's sour grapes at an existential level yeah and so I noticed myself if I ever start to and I don't even do this anymore because I stopped it like if I ever start thinking something negatively about someone who's successful and start comparing their work to mine and why M you know I just stop instantly and I just think you know what can I learn from that for myself and uh again most of your listeners I feel like are learning growth-minded people but I think we can understand that there's certain people and I've come across them that if you're if somebody is doing better than you you can either try to do better or you can try to bring them down bring down to your level and that's like that's a split in the world but the people who try to bring them down are the loud voices right now correct in the culture correct in other news this episode is brought to you by ag1 90% of Americans are not getting the nutrients they need every day to be healthy everybody knows that food is always first many of us will eat well some days even most days but no one has the perfect diet and signs keep showing us our bodies need more nutrients and they need this support consistently every single day to build a truly healthy body ag1 provides daily nutrients and good health support allinone no confusion one thing that works and works for you people always ask about the price let's flip the question the next time that you're in line for a smoothie or a juice and it says $12 just think about ag1 one and ask which is better value I've partnered with ag1 for so long because they make the highest quality product that I genuinely look forward to taking every day so if you want to replace your multivitamin and more start with ag1 try ag1 today and get a Year's free Supply vitamin D3 and K2 plus five free ag1 travel packs with your first purchase by going to the link in the show notes below or heading to drink a1.com wisdom that's drink a1.com wisdom thank you very much for tuning in if you enjoyed that clip with Neil you will love the full length 2hour long podcast which you can watch right here