Crush The Chicken Voice In Your Head & Get Real | Lauren Zander on Impact Theory

But when you start to get in there, right, you can start to detangle your higher self from your lower self. And no one's really doing that work. And so the whole method that I developed is so you really figure out what matters most to you in your life. So then you can hear how crazy your inner dialogue is and how much it's [ __ ] with your dreams. [music] Hey everybody, welcome to Impact Theory. Our goal with this show and company is to introduce you to the people and ideas that will help you actually execute on your dreams. All right, today's guest is one of the most accomplished life coaches in the world. As the co-founder and chairwoman of the Handel Group, she spent more than 20 years coaching entrepreneurs, couples, politicians, Grammy and Academy Award winning artists, as well as families and Fortune 500 CEOs. Her breakthrough generating curriculum, The Handel Method, has been taught in over 35 universities and public schools around the world, including MIT, Yale, Stanford, and the New York City public school system. The magnitude of her success is due in part to her in-your-face style of tough love. So unless you're ready to hear the truth and take responsibility for your life, she is definitely not the woman for you. But judging by the slew of high-profile people lining up to work with her, it's clear that if you're ready to do the work, she's ready to deliver the goods. Her corporate clients have included executives from Sony, Citibank, Dropbox, LinkedIn, and Vogue, to name but a few. And her no-nonsense, results-oriented advice has also made her one of the most sought-after lecturers and contributing writers on the planet. She's written for or been featured by just about every major outlet there is, including The New York Times, Women's Health, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Oz, as well as Forbes, Men's Health, and countless others. So, please help me in welcoming the author of Maybe It's You, Cut the Crap, Face Your Fears, Love Your Life, the queen of accountability herself, Lauren Handel Zander. [applause] Welcome. I like this. Nice. Well, I'm super excited to have you on. Thank you. Not the least of which because you are rocking some seriously bedazzled shoes and feathers in your hair. It's true. I fully respect and actually want to talk about that. So, you said that you kept them in because at first you were a little self-conscious about them. I was going to Burning Man. I have a camp at Burning Man and I got my hair done for Burning Man. And then I had a 50th birthday party that was so fancy. Like I didn't even I almost considered canceling going, which is so not me, right? So, for the first time in my life I was like [ __ ] self-conscious. And then I walked around the party. And I had to explain my feathers. And I said I'm going to Burning Man. No one knew what Burning Man was ever, right? And so now I'm explaining like oh, I'm out of here. Like just eat the feathers, Lauren. Like for God's sakes, be the girl with the feathers at the party. And then after I came back from that burn, I was like you deserve these feathers. Like you keep them in and you wear them till you get over what people think. I didn't even know I would care what people thought until that same Yeah, I'm actually really surprised by having read your book and knowing how much you push people to be themselves, really figure out who they are. And I like the notion that you have of cut the crap and be largely because people don't even know who they are. So, they're trying to be true to something they don't really understand. So, walk us through like how do we be true to ourselves and take risks? Like the feathers seem like a pretty cool intersection of that moment. So, the main thing I study is how your inner dialogue works. And most people have never trailed their inner dialogue. Meaning it's just like running wild and they're not even like what did you just say to yourself? What did you say about your wife's body? What did you say about your boss? What did you like what do you really say what do you even say to yourself when you look in the mirror? Right? Like welcome to the you you won't face. Right? And so when you start to get in there, right? You can start to detangle your higher self from your lower self. And no one's really doing that work. And so the whole method that I developed is so you really figure out what matters most to you in your life. So then you can hear how crazy your inner dialogue is and how much it's [ __ ] with your dreams. That's pretty amazing. Welcome to the you you won't face. Yeah. heard that before. That's really interesting. So talk to me about higher self, lower self. Um how do we begin to hear it first of all and then how do we untangle and maybe most interestingly, how do we differentiate the high and the low? So this is my favorite thing. The way I lay out the homework, right? It really is a break life out into 12 different areas and I ask for your vision or dream in each of the 12 because we also hide like everything should be about work or not my like don't face this or that. So if I make you dream about every area of your life and I don't let them overlap, you're really having to face a vision about all of life, right? And then I get you to rate your current life against that dream. And then tell me what you think is between you and fulfilling on that. And pretty much the way you explain yourself, the way you talk about that, that is literally ready? That's all your lower self. And who just figured that out? Your higher self. Cuz who's listening now? If you can call a lower self the lower self, that's the invention of the higher self. Right? But you have to get yourself out, right? And I have to make people write it out because we're full of [ __ ] Like we don't want to we don't want I am you like it I am, right? I could just start with me, right? I do the the whole method was so I would stop lying to myself about what I wasn't saying to my dad, what I wasn't saying to that guy, what I wasn't saying to myself about what I really thought. So, I broke in by having dreams so that I can hear my [ __ ] and all of that was separating higher and lower self. When you say you broke in by having dreams, you're saying like this is what I want versus being asleep and doing some sort of dream detection. you go, I want to fit in those jeans, I want to make that much money, I want to have that kind of love. The minute you say that, everything that's in your way is your lower self. Cuz you can have anything you want. Why not? What else are we here for? Right? Like, really? Think we came to just suffer? I hope not. I think that's very fair. So, okay. So, as people begin to look at this and they're differentiating the high self, the low self, how do you train them to go through that? So, one of the things that I found interesting, I'm actually really curious to know what you think about this. One of the things I find interesting about people is when they have what I'll call like petty or insecure desires or whatever, but they don't judge themselves for it. And because of that, there's no internal battle. It And maybe they're working on it, maybe they want to change it, but they're not like they don't diminish their sense of self based on that. So, how do you help people process through that? Do you think people should have some sort of goods and bads in their mind? Do this, don't do that? When I make everything connected to your dream of yourself. Right? So, you have a dream of yourself, which is these visions, right? all begins with that clarity. So, and one of the most important areas of life is your relationship to yourself, and I define your relationship to yourself. I love being with myself, I love being myself, I have fun being me. Right? The minute you go, I have fun being me, you can hear everything that's not that fun about being you anymore, right? So, the whole point is the ability to hear your your inner dialogue based on some standard that you invent for yourself. And then the next whole section that I deal with is personality traits. Right? So, you wish you weren't an apple off that tree, maybe. You like some of the things you got from your parents and everything else, not so much. And then you have lineage and all the things that come with your culture. Right? So, starting to figure out what's going on in your personality and your dreams gets you to hear higher and lower self and gets you to really like you'll know if you're happy with yourself, right? I don't you know, I you know, I care about fashion. I care about the size of my body. I care about what I care about. I don't need you to like me if like I care about it. And that would be another thing I do. I say, "If you can't tell everybody what you're doing, then it's probably not that cool for you. Like if you're hiding something, if you're lying about it, oh, we're in trouble. Then you are really not okay with it. And most people are lying about a lot of [ __ ] because they're not okay with it. That's right. And then they pin it on the other person. I'd hurt your feelings if I told you. Everybody's blaming the other person like everyone's wiping the crime on the other person and they're being a good person, but really they're lying. We're tricky. We're very tricky. So, how do you help people find awareness? That's one thing that I find a lot of people reach out to me about. They want to make an improvement in their life, um but they don't know how to develop self-awareness. So, do you have um practices that people can do to begin to hear that dialogue? In my every step of the method is literally teaching you how to catch yourself, right? So, there the three first dial inner dialogues that I make you go after is your chicken. Like you got a chicken, the voice of the chicken. I do use And let's define the three as we go. So, the chicken, the things I'm afraid of. Total like I can't tell you what you really you will you'll be upset with me. All forms of I can't say, do that, anything that tells me I can't speak up. Right. Chicken. Okay. Brat. I'll do it tomorrow. Leave me alone. I shouldn't have to. I'm bad at that. I've never been good at that. All the ways people don't do what they should do, and then they blame it on their I've always been this way. It's all a brat. Right? Bratty voice, right? And moodiness? Brat. Okay? And then the final one is the weather reporter. We're like, it's always been this way for me. I've always been this way. I've never been good at that. Like these generalizations that tell you you will never find love. You will never be able to have that. You can't make that kind of money. You have You're a You're a night owl. You You can't like people pretend that the things they've been saying about themselves their whole life are the truth. Like this is a chair and I'm not good at that. How much do you think they're aware that that it isn't true? Like how much of it has just become so ingrained that they learned it from their parents? Okay, so then how do they on no awareness. That's true. How do they begin to peel that onion? So they have their three voices now. They have tools and tactics to look out for them. Yeah. Dreams are the most important thing. First things first, the only reason to do all this work is cuz there really is something you want in your life you don't have right now. What I love about your approach there is you talk a lot about clarity, which is a big obsession of mine. So how do people get clear? Like give us an example of when clear is clear enough. Once you have a dream, you make promises, right? I teach people to put in promises and put in consequences, right? And so everything that you want is basically in the promised land. Right? Places you Right? The promised land. Like the real promised land, where you make promises and keep them to yourself, right? Is one of my longest jokes I keep having to make. But um so and then put in a consequence if so that you make sure you keep that promise so that you're achieving that dream. So if you're a human, you're going to want to break your promise right after the minute you make it. So we are always battling our inner dialogue. But, if you have a promise and you put in a consequence and you really want to keep that promise, all of a sudden you'll start being proud of yourself. It's like what it took for me to start running. What it took for me to build my company. So, it's past the chicken, past the brat, kill the weather reports, and live in the promise land. All right. So, in your in your book you do a really good job of showing people like, okay, this is uh level of clarity that won't do and this is a level of clarity that will do. Can you give us the examples that you gave of of people that thought they were being clear, but they weren't quite and then give us um an example of when it it finally nails it? I'll eat healthy all week. Okay? No, that I would like, really? Thank you. That's a title. That has nothing to do with reality. Okay, let's be let's dive in on what that means. That would mean, I will not eat bread. I will eat three meals a day. My meals will be at what time? Before what time? I won't eat after what time? How much water are you drinking? If you want to have success, right? You have to be crystal clear and the human, right? Not that interested in being that clear, right? So, you know, everybody uses like, I was at the airport. I couldn't eat healthy. I don't even understand that. I'm like, bring your food or rip the bread and cheese off the sandwich and eat the chicken. Right? Like, we'd lie. So, I make people get that clear about their promises in everything. Even how many times they're having sex with their husband. You want to have a great sex life? Great. What does that mean? Please describe. Right? How are you going to keep that promise? How are you going to be true to that? And so, integrity is something that you cover really well in the book and this is something that I find um really becomes problematic for people when they don't have that within themselves. They're not able to earn the credibility with themselves because they make a promise, they don't keep it. That's right. Either through clarity or just because they don't keep it. Right. And it begins to like really diminish their sense of self. How do you help people actively start building that integrity? So I everyone of my coaches, right? So I have about 16 employees and all my coaches work with individuals even in the high schools, right? We we have promise trackers. You have promises and you have consequences and you have an accountability someone who's holding you accountable and I'm only taking promises that you're actually dying to keep. I don't want your mommy's version of your promises. Okay? So imagine that you've made them and you put in your consequence, right? And then as long as you're not a liar and hiding it and bullshitting that you kept your promise, you will start to make the change and it'll make you feel great. And then pretty much two to three weeks in of keeping your promises, your life changes, right? You change states of integrity. Right? So integrity is a verb, it's not a noun. You don't have it. You have to show it minute to minute, right? And then the other thing I say is that confidence is a result it's a it's a it's like you have confidence in that area and any area you have confidence, you have it because you're reliable. That's it. You want to know why you don't feel confident in the area? You're a liar, you break promises. I'm certain of it. You want to have confidence? Let's make some promises and let's learn to keep them. And all I have to do is come for your vices. Humans are not that tricky. All you have to do is come for your vices. What do you mean? Um yeah, no screen time. Yeah, you're going to lose your booze, right? Like come on, right? All you have to do I'm not that tricky, right? [laughter] Right? When I wanted to keep So I wanted to meditate twice a day, right? I was going to take it on for 6 weeks to see what I thought of it. Okay? No coffee till I meditated in the morning and no screen time at night until I meditated. Guess who meditated twice a day? Easy. So, what are like some common themes and stuff that you see cropping up with people? Where Where does the average person struggle, fall down? What do they need the most help with? Body. Right? Most people are not that happy with their body. Not that happy with their sex life, and not happy with how much they um can't make what they want happen in their career. Right? Like they're it's my boss's fault. I don't know how to move ahead. Right? So, there's there's a lot of coward, chicken. And um or or I help marriages, right? Like there's a build-up. They never knew how to deal with everything, and they really have to learn how to have very difficult conversations. Mm. Talk to me about that. How do you teach people to have the hard conversation? You make a laundry list for First They're each going to go do a list? Like separate. So, So, we do a whole method for couples, right? Um and it really is clean up the whole marriage and make the right promises in the marriage, and also figure out the power struggle. Right? So Interesting. What do you mean? Is there always a power struggle? Yeah. So, if you go through the 12 areas of life, Yep. and you and I have a nickname for the 12 areas when it's in a marriage, which is bodegas. Right? And you have to run the bodega like who's the president and who's the CEO? For example, in my marriage, just because I make all of the money, right? Doesn't mean I am the CEO of money in my marriage. Right? My husband's a brilliant genius with money. So, he is that CEO. Mm. Right? And we have agreements for my shopping, for when I would like for the kids. Like we like Like super specific. Like promises and consequences. Like I And what happens when you go in on an area and you make agreements, there's nothing to fight about. There's no upsets. There's actually people respected and loved, right? guys come up with the promises together, I'm assuming? Well, you figure out in all the areas. So, there's community. I'm in charge of community and our social life, right? He's in charge of what we're doing with the money. He's in charge of the kids, right? We have three kids. He's um our you know, spiritual. Me. Like the like sex life, me, right? So, in those areas, I'm in charge of what a healthy great sex life is. He get like I like that I don't like that. What do you want? What do you want? How we doing, right? So, and every year we go over our promises and what we're creating for the year. I I do not have an accidental life. I'm not hoping it turns out, right? I don't hope my business turns out. I don't hope anything turns out. I love designing. And then when I fail, I can fix it and I know exactly what failed. Right? So, I'm a promise junkie. I love that. Let's get into the mess of that a little bit, which I think is is really interesting. So, do you my wife and I define terms. So, our big thing was all right, certain words mean certain things. So, if I say the word important, that means something for us. If I say the word promise, that means something for us. This gets a little muddy because you've got a whole big thing on promise, but for us it just means that you guys understand each other, that's rock and roll. Yeah, for sure. So, is it how much of the the process is like that defining what you you call the culture? How much of it is getting them to understand leveraging promises, consequences? Are they each other's buddy? How does that process work? So, depending on the dynamic in the relationship, the the biggest thing to the biggest hurdle to get a couple over is that the division of labor is never going to be fair. And that creates a lot of animosity. Yeah, yeah. But but the the cute part is is when you when you hooked up with them in the first place, it wasn't disguised then either. Like the original contract is you people are trying to change the original contract, right? Like so the original contract was he was never that great about making money. He was never that clean, but boy did he make you laugh and boy did he think you were the best. And then now you want him to clean, make money. And so a lot of times that we have to go back and figure out if the if if there's deal breakers. Right? So we there everybody made a deal from the get-go. Everyone needs to own what they wish was true about their relationship and the truth about their relationship. So much of what we're doing is teasing out the 12 areas of life to really get the person to tell the truth and the other person to own I'm never doing this. I am doing this. Right? This is what you need. This is what I need. And then we're rebooting the spiritual contract they made in the get-go. And then we're making rules that go with that. So that it's very heavy to get a person to understand what's never changing in the original contract. So I would love to get a couple before they end up getting married. Because if you can get that deal really clear in the get-go, then it really sobers them up to being in love with each other as is. I am not in the fixed people like the fixing business of like let's change together. Like no. interesting. I literally thought this where you're going. So um Love them love the one you're with. That's so interesting. Okay, so if what happens when they come to you and they're like yeah, but that's not what I want now. Yeah, divorce. I'm sorry did I say that? You have to be in love with the person they are. You can't take away the respect because you now want them to be different. That's crime in my book. And my line with a terrible line that I really do have is people know exactly why they're going to get divorced while they're walking down the aisle. Wow. There is no accident about that 50-60% and trust me I've sat enough at the moment that that woman and that man know it as they're walking down the aisle. Oh, it's in there. They're like hoping they're hoping. What are they hoping for? Um they really are in love. They really do so you really you want all this? I do. This is so interesting to me. So you ready? You have a head, you have a heart, and you have a hoo-ha. Got that? Indeed. Yep, I'm with you. And then they they the strange and they all have language, right? They all have their desires. They all have everything they want. But the mistake the human makes is they think that it's um actually divided up 100% versus 300%. Okay? So your head should get everything it wants, your heart should get everything it wants, and your hoo-ha should get everything it wants. But what happens is is someone will make a bargain where their heart got everything He's the nicest guy in the whole wide world. Oh my god, he's so smart. I don't want to [ __ ] him. Right? [laughter] But I should. I should. I wish I did. Right? How long does that last? About 6 years? After two kids. Take the cash and go, girl. And then you're not happy after. So instead of people really dealing with the truth about everything they want and being able to talk about it fully and make a real match like the love of their life. Doesn't mean there's no compromises, right? Like I come from a successful father and a mother who never worked a day in her life. That I would be the one that was the workaholic and was happy to make all the money is like no way. And that my husband wasn't going to be that guy? And he would he's still a total hot, great man. Right? It's like revolutionary to me. But I will never take him down for that. Right? That's the original contract. So it wasn't that I got exactly what I thought my head would want. But when it really came down to it, the most important thing that I wanted was someone who would be a remarkable dad. My dad was a workaholic. And he was not a daddy type. Right? And he did not play with his kids. And I was like, "God, I wish I had a real daddy type." And like my husband is the real daddy type. Right? And I was like, "Oh, that my head really got what it wanted." And so most people have never teased out what their head wants, what their heart wants, and what their hoo-ha wants, and how they really want it. And then they end up compromised. So it is the other person, and they've never had all those conversations, and then they've never negotiated a real fair spiritual contract between the two of them. With their deal breakers. [laughter] Now, that's so amazing. So now, I I want to keep going on this road. So let's say they're [clears throat] just getting together. What are some of the ones that really stop people cold and make them really think? Most people are just embarrassed how much they care about things they don't want to care about. Like what? Like no one wants to the the hoo-ha barely wants to admit vanity. Like, "Yeah, she needs big tits." [laughter] Right? Let's just I heard people two rooms away laugh [laughter] at that one. It's amazing. I'm like Right? They can't even say it out loud. Right. Right? Ready? My green eyes. I got a thing for green eyes. I got a thing for green eyes. And if you if you see my husband's green eyes, it's like, "Oh, it was always him." So in instead of trusting your vanity, what your heart thinks is most important, even that head of yours. Right? Instead of trusting it, you're embarrassed or ashamed or won't even speak it out loud. That's why you're like, "How do you even talk about these things?" But we're so gaming our own system rather than being our freaky selves. You need to learn your language. I Right? I really did develop this, and it really changes everything. So that was a good one. What what else should people be thinking about? Forehead, okay. All right, everybody. They're really is how intelligent they need to be. Right? Yes, you really do care about college. Yes, you really do care about that their parents are not are happily married. Yes, I mean, I I could not believe Ready? This is awful. I was dating someone I went and met his family. And it was not okay with me. Right? He was great. But his family was so [ __ ] goofy. Like my screamed. Right? I am not Like I can't even believe how uncomfortable this is making me. And then I think I'm such a jerk that I'm so judgmental. Right? And then I'm like, "What do you mean?" I'm like, "Just be your true Like it's okay. You're a judgmental bitch." Like it just trust yourself. Right? You don't want to do holidays for the rest of your life with these people. Right? You got it. Okay, great. Break up with him. For that? But But he's nice. He loves you. He's taking you to Jamaica. Right? Like, "What? You're such a fraud." Right? If he knew what you thought about his family or what you really think, he wouldn't want to be with you 5 more minutes anyway, honey. What will you What you will find that is really funny is they agree. Like if your partner is your real partner, they're like, "Right? It's awful. I'm sorry." If you have to lie to your partner about what you're scared of about them or their family, that is not your partner. If he is your partner, he immediately wants to hear everything and and like yells at you and then you're sorry. Like you you will learn together. Right? David has called me out on things my whole life. But it was because I said the truth. And then I was like, "Oh, you're right. I should get over that." Right? You learn together through the truth. So, going to that not changing people, but obviously you're I think big into people changing themselves. Yes. So, walk us through that process. How does a couple grow, but make sure that they're growing in a similar direction? You know, if you're in love with the person you're with, right? Like your job is to stay in love with who you're with, right? And like they're not especially, you know, they're not changing that much, right? Now, if they radically change, right? And then you didn't sign up for that change, you really are going to have problems. I'm I guess I'm dangerous because I don't have a problem with divorce. I think it's okay people get over each other. So, that's maybe crazy for people. My joke with my husband, we made a vow when we got married that if we're not still in love, if we don't still want to do each other, if we're not having the best time of our lives, we'll get divorced, right? Like I would actually your vow? A vow. I believe in divorce cuz I really believe in love. And I'd rather have love my whole life than pretend I have to be a good person that stays. Talk to me about your notion of um the emotional DNA. Um so, there have there been way too many times I've discovered through doing work with people that they don't just maybe have their parents' issues, right? They're repeating them in really weird ways. People's problems in money, people's problems in their sex lives, in their marriage, in their careers, right? Like why they're an accountant and they're miserable, right? Is because their dad was this terrible entrepreneur, but no one remembers he was high, too. And then like right? And they never really studied why they have to be so conservative, right? So, people are reactions, and then they're blank like they're reactions to their parents. So, studying your parents' history and understanding all of those areas of life and what you've what you inherited As like personality traits? No, like literally epigenetics, right? Like so if the bunny sees its sister bunny get eaten by a bear, not only does it know bears eat you, but its unborn children knows bears eat you. Like it go like it learns. The system learns from the from what it witnesses and its parents. So, right? And so if your if your father is on his fourth marriage, you're like, "It's year seven." And you're wondering why you got that strange itch, right? So, the line I say is you don't just have your dad's blue eyes, you have his wandering blue eyes. Right? And so to How do you coach people through that? You The more you know, the more you don't make that mistake. Awareness is everything and then making rules, promises. I have to get that person to know everything so that they can then make the right promises to themselves so they don't repeat mistakes. Cuz you will be. And so do you advocate them going and and just knowledge is power kind of thing and they're interviewing their family to find out what trauma is what everything. Everything. So, after I get a person to do the whole homework, so the 12 areas of life and all what they say about everything between them and having what they want, their parent traits and how they live in them and their marriage parents traits and how those live in them and their haunting memories, right? After I get all of that, you can see all the information like you can see the problems. Like you can literally call them spiritual purgatories. Talk to me about the hauntings. That's an interesting concept. I used to get betrayed by women. Like these women that I thought loved me, they didn't even stab me in the back, they stabbed me in the front. Right? Like I got killed. And so what I did was I started to get suspicious of my picker. Like somebody's picking like maybe it's me. Right? And so I went back to my first most disturbing haunting I ever remember really being betrayed by. Right? Trust me, I did not want to call her. She was so happy to hear from me, it was shocking. LIKE, "HI!" RIGHT, UM do you understand how different the story is in my head?" Mhm. Okay? So, the way we remember things, the way we hold things, the way we tell the story over and over again, those are usually screwy lies. And so, in any area of your life where you feel trapped, like you can't make more money, you can't get out of your body, never loses weight, like there is some purgatory connected to a haunting memory, and the way you tell the story of the haunting is not accurate. It's a lie in there. That's why it's haunting you. That's why I call it a haunting. Right? It haunts you. And so, what do people need to change the story about? go back to I go back to I go back to her name was Cheryl. I go back to Cheryl, right? And I find out that I only remembered the list of things she did to me. Do you know? I She had a list of what I did to her. Do you I didn't remember it. I don't mean I didn't remember I mean I didn't remember it. That was the last time I ever got betrayed that way again, ever. Like, my awareness that maybe it's me and how I picked her and how I lied about that, like, honestly. Right? Not like trying. Right? I was So, I had to go back to the to the mystery of that story because the his cuz the lesson kept repeating. So, lessons repeat till you learn them. Obviously, if something bad keeps repeating, I didn't learn it. So, I had to go back to the original source so I could learn why I was I was the [ __ ] too. People don't realize how much we don't treat each other as sacred, even the bad things that happen in your lives with them. So, all of that matters to me. And that all became a miracle because you were able to process through it, figure out what you'd done wrong, apologize, be apologized to, and then have just an open and honest relationship. just it literally changed my awareness. You go through a bad business deal. You ever make one of those again? If you really learn it. If you make it again, you then go, I didn't see something. Something's up with me. Maybe it's me. And so when you can get to the maybe it's me part, you then have to go back to those hauntings and discover where you couldn't smell your own poopy. And then once you have the awareness of what's up with me, what do I fall for? Like what do I fall for in all these women, right? I get enamored by people, ready? That are enamored with me. Right? If you love me, then I'll think like I don't even realize that you're using me. I don't I'm using you. I don't even notice I'm using you. Right? Like there's creepy [ __ ] Like I didn't even understand it until I went back and discovered it, but it was it was from high school. Right? And then it kept happening a bit through my my the joke about me was one in every seven people just might stab me. Like but the other six I keep for life. That's [laughter] bad. And then that was something that once you had the awareness around that issue, which actually seems pretty like nuanced. Well, watch. Okay, ready? Then you go, well, does it go any further back in your family lineage? And I'm like, yes. My grandfather was had had major betrayal issues. Right? Where he trusted someone, completely trusted them, and the stories in his life of building his business were the people he remembered that betrayed him. So here I am building a business. I'm this person. I'm my grandfather's granddaughter. And so it all became clear to me that I ran in my lineage. Right? That's the the folklore of betrayal has been in the family line. And so then I went back to my original haunting and discovered my fingerprints on the crime scene, too. And how come I picked her? And then that awareness changed that from happening over and over being one in seven. Right? But those statistics are not my statistics anymore. And how hurt And then it And people can come and go like I learned so much in honor of my grandfather. Does that make sense? So that's the gist. So I want to go back to the way that you change behavior through promises. So what's something that you're doing now that cuz I'm assuming you're constantly evolving, constantly dreaming new dreams, and using promises and consequences and all that to get there. So what's something that you're doing right now so people can have a really concrete example of how you've steered your life, you've been so successful, how you continue to steer your life with what is really a nice simple process. Well, I use my method, right? I never get out of it. And then the other thing I do, which is really hysterical, that I love, is um I invert the scale. So if I've been at an eight in my marriage, the eight becomes the new one. Interesting. Right? I don't let my like it like how's my sex life going to be even better? How's our marriage going to be even better? Well, yeah, I mean the the notion of revisiting things yearly, putting it down, coming up with promises, um I think is really interesting. Like the the mechanisms of it almost don't matter as much as the process of going through and just being aware of what you want, having a plan to get it, but what I like about the promises is that it's all about altering behavior. It's being true to yourself would be the line I would say, me being true to myself, right? And Aren't the promises always around behavior or have I misunderstood that? So I'll interview my kids. I always interview my kids. Are you How am I doing? Am I a good mommy? [snorts] What do you want me to fix? Anything you want me to change? Any new promises you want me to make, right? So I I will actually open that up to people. Everybody. And what's something in like the realm of career? What's a classic mistake that people are doing or not being aware of or something that's really holding them back? They're not making promises that scare the [ __ ] out of them. That's interesting. People do not dare themselves. Like I am a dare. I dare you. What should I dare you to do? Right? What promise would you have to make and then hear your inner dialogue [ __ ] with that thing. It's perfect. Bring If you don't have the chicken out in your head, you're not in a big enough game. It's like letting yourself dream really makes magic happen. What What does that process look like when you say let yourself dream? Do Do you think people have a natural governor where they're not Is it Is it the fear or is it that they just don't do the exercise? What is it that stops people from Fear. We have My joke is we have PhDs in fear. I can't. I won't. You shouldn't. What are you doing? Oh my god. Don't What if? Right? We're PhD in fear. And so again, language and learning to make yourself use language and you know, cuz every word is your imagination. Right? I want I don't care if you want a boat. I want a car. I want my kids to I don't don't want your kids to be things. Okay, like let your kids be themselves, please. But nonetheless, you want things for yourself and that's language. And then So yes, I do think people aren't sitting down and writing their dreams and then making the right promises. If you haven't done that every year, what's happening then? Right? Then you're not doing that. Right? It's like not having a business plan every year for your business. That would be very dumb. Right? And that's the only way you know if you're failing. I really do think life is about fulfilling on whatever matters the most to you and figuring out what that is. And then if you don't like it, throw it out and do another one. Like who cares? Right? Don't be paralyzed. Don't even care. If you're Right? And if you're not going to change that thing, no, you really do have a drink for breakfast, right? And you're not then just don't lie about it. Be the guy. Be the person. Like be true to yourself. Don't lie The biggest thing I would like to change on Earth is how much we lie. That's interesting. Why is that the one thing? Because we lose ourselves the minute we lie Like the minute you lie to me, I'm more important than you. You just sold yourself out to get away with something. You just stepped down. You didn't stay true to yourself. You just became a a fake, two-faced, to please me. You're not you anymore. And I'm somebody you don't even tell the truth to. What's happening on Earth? Nobody's being real. At all. In the moment a lie happens. Right? It's the fakest world Like we are so strange how fake we're willing to be. And then you're like If you're like, "Why do people not have great sex lives?" They cannot even tell each other what they like. You have no idea how much I can get a person to finally start telling the truth. And how funny and liberating it is. From the type of porn they like to what they did Like people are so interesting on how much they're willing to lie to keep up appearances. Why do you think people are with sex for instance? Why are they Why do they have such a hard time telling the truth? Because they can't accept that they're goofy. They can't accept what they like. They're ashamed. They're embarrassed. You're going to make fun of me. You're going to I don't even know what you're going to say. I don't It hasn't even hit the air. How do you get them over that? Do you actually coach the other person on how to respond? I have the greatest, funniest coaching a couple tell on myself. If I just tell everything about myself and my marriage, right? And then add a few other couples that are awesome and hysterical, everyone can tell the truth. I have the the name of my sex course that like I teach that I teach it, right? It's called awkward. [laughter] We are so awkward. And we have no language. And then men and women pretend they like they can't handle that. No, they can't handle that. How long have women been lying about orgasms? Anybody? Never happened to me. Everybody. It's It's the greatest problem in humanity, in my opinion, is our willingness to lie. Right? And I'm trying to figure out how to sell telling the truth is really great. Yeah, what do we get? Like if if lying steals something fundamental about us, what do we get by telling the truth, which will have people lie because there are consequences even for the kid eating the cookie? Yes. So, what's the upside to the truth? Um Uh God, it feels much better. It's nice to be you. It actually creates real change. Right? Right? It's If you ever heard anyone who got caught like got caught cheating, right? And then really went through the process of dealing with it, yeah, that's the person who never cheats again. So, when you stick your hand in fire, right? And you really get the burn, that's the last time you don't that you really learn something. What happens is no one's learning because no one's telling the truth. And so everyone's keeping up the puppet show. And they're a puppet and you're a puppet. So, it's deeply disturbing, but it works. Right? So, there's this illusion that we're deeply intimate and connected. And then there's people you have pockets of it with. But getting naked, getting real, telling the whole truth feels amazing or gets you in a lot of actual trouble, but the kind of trouble that you learn from. Mhm? I love it. Right? As long as you're not going to as long as the truth is safe. Mhm. Right? So, when my husband and I like I in the coaching of a couple, I real I have a huge teaching of how to teach people to listen to each other. And that it's not about agreeing. People want to have agree with each other. You need to understand my version and understand it and agree with me. Yeah, no, I don't go for agreement ever. That is not what is needed on Earth. Ever. It's actually giving a [ __ ] about my experience and your experience. Like, no, we don't need to agree. We need to get each other. We need to hear each other. We need to respect each other's version of what just happened. Right? I don't need you to come to my side and agree with me. That's why people really fight. They don't just [ __ ] love each other as it is. All right, before I ask my last question, Yes. where can these guys find you online? So, Handel Group, h a n d l handelgroup.com. And then there's there's everything there. Right? There's um courses, Inner U, which is really you'll hear every If you like my storytelling, um you can hear all my stories and the homework and a community. Mhm. And really actually very affordable cuz I actually want to reach millions of people. Nice. Love that. Yeah. All right, my last question. What is the impact that you want to have on the world? Ready? Ready. Ready? Can I tell it in a little story? So, I have an image of a big and it's right a big turkey. Right? The wrong direction. Right? Ready? And we need to so dark dark and the money like what's running the world right now is on the wrong side. So, I need the light and the money and I need to flip the bird. So, you're like, "What are you committed to?" I'm committed to flipping the bird so that the people that should have the money and have the power so they can do good in the world are doing it. That's why I want the politicians, I want the musicians, I want I want to reach the people who could do good and actually get this and change the world before I die. Wish me luck. Flip the bird. I love it. So much for coming on the show. That was fantastic. [laughter] All right, guys. This is Raw. She tells the truth. She's in your face. She is a lot of fun. Read her book. It is really fascinating. It has a workbook vibe to it as well with the challenges that she gives you in the chapters so that you know how to put this to use in your own life. Clarity on getting your dreams right, how to make promises and use them effectively in your life. It really is a manual for how to get things together in your life whether it's with your career, whether it's with your spouse like she said. She breaks out a whole 12 areas. We didn't even get into the 13th which is death. That's a whole 'nother thing. But, her obsession with truth-telling and getting people in touch with who they really are and not judging themselves but finally really figuring out who they are so that they can then create that path that they want to evolve along is something that I think so many people would benefit from. So, dive deep in that world. Check it out. She's putting out amazing content. All right, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe and until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Thank you again. That was wonderful. Everybody, thank you so much for watching and being a part of this community. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. You're going to get weekly videos on building a growth mindset, cultivating grit, and unlocking your full potential.