Video summary
Craig Ferguson recounts his journey to sobriety, which began in 1992 after a terrifying Christmas morning when he woke up in a London pub intending to commit suicide by jumping off Tower Bridge. He describes the moment not as an emotional breakdown but as a chillingly rational decision driven by deep shame and despair, feeling that destroying himself was the only logical course of action. His life changed instantly when his friend Tommy offered him a glass of sherry; Ferguson admits that drinking that single drink erased the suicidal urge entirely, leaving him to realize years later through *Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde* that alcoholism is a paradox where the substance both kills and saves its user simultaneously.
To achieve lasting recovery, Ferguson had to confront the complex psychological traps inherent in addiction, specifically the realization that he must take full responsibility for his actions rather than blaming external circumstances or past trauma. He explains that while bad things can happen without fault on one's part, harmful behaviors are always personal choices that require ownership and change. This process involved an honest inventory of his life to identify triggers and patterns, leading him to accept the role as the "villain" in his own story so he could transform into a better person. He emphasizes that this internal shift is crucial because without it, individuals often continue to blame others or their environment for their destructive habits.
Ferguson also reflects on the deceptive nature of alcoholism, noting how addiction can masquerade as legitimate fun and social connection before collapsing into isolation once the party ends. Despite enjoying years of heavy drinking, including occasional experiments with cocaine in New Orleans which he dismisses as a "spiritual journey," he maintains that avoiding just one drink is sufficient to prevent relapse entirely. He has remained sober for thirty-five years, noting that his time without alcohol now far exceeds his drinking days, and while the temptation occasionally resurfaces like smoking dreams, he remains convinced that breaking the cycle of the first drink prevents all subsequent damage. Ultimately, he concludes with a sense of humility regarding his unique path to recovery, acknowledging that if he had not stopped at that very first sip, his life would have taken a drastically different and likely tragic turn.
Read the full video transcript
I was mystified when I stopped drinking
because
>> When did you stop?
>> 1992.
>> For what reason?
>> Uh alcoholism.
>> But like bottom
I Peter and Sally
>> [laughter]
>> No, I hadn't met Peter yet, but I felt
his presence.
No, um
I think it would There was a number of
different things. The one that that I
I've talked about in the past is
[snorts]
you know, I woke up one Christmas
morning and I was on my way to commit
suicide.
Which felt like a very rational thing. I
mean, well the interesting thing when
people talk about it didn't feel There
was no dramatic music. It was like, oh
you know, this is what I should do. It
felt like a rational thought. You know,
what I should do is destroy
>> When you say on your way
>> It was Christmas morning. I'd woken up
in a pub. I I'd meant to get home in
Scotland. The pub was in London. I'd
never made it. I didn't embarrass
myself. I had you know, I It was It was
a [ __ ] mess. It was It was terrible.
I hadn't got home to my family. I was
And the the normal hangover is
exacerbated by the deep and profound
shame of the alcoholic
>> Yeah.
>> having a hangover. So you've got that
spiritual hangover and that and that.
And so what came into like a very clear
thought in my head was I I must go and
kill myself. I must go and jump off
Tower Bridge. That's what I must do. Uh
I was in London and Tower Bridge is the
big fancy one.
>> If you're going to kill yourself
>> You know, you're going to do it do it
right. So I'm on my way to I'm about to
leave the pub and my friend Tommy who
had slept behind the bar. Now I I don't
know if Tommy
>> That same night or just some other
>> that that that night he'd slept behind
the bar. He was the barman. Um I don't
know if he was an alcoholic, but he
slept behind the bar.
So he was an Irish guy and I was on my
way I didn't want to tell him I was
going to go and kill myself cuz I knew
he'd make a fuss. So I said uh said I'm
just going back. He said, "Well, before
you go, have a glass of sherry for
Christmas morning." And I said, "All
right." So he poured me a [ __ ] vente
sherry like a pint glass with sherry. I
don't drink sherry. And we both had a
glass of sherry and we toasted and And
"Baby Jesus." And he said, "The infant
Christ."
And we drank them. And as I drank the
sherry,
I forgot to kill myself. I felt great.
And it wasn't until years later,
well, maybe not that long. Maybe a
couple of months later when I was in
rehab,
I reread the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde. It's a fascinating, written by a
Scotsman, of course, cuz it would have
to be. It's a fascinating look, I think,
alcoholism amongst other things.
Because in the story, Henry Jekyll, the
respectable doctor, drinks the magic
potion,
goes out, commits a murder.
And then he's back in the park and he's
he's still sort of Mr. Hyde, and he
wants to be Mr. Hyde. He's Henry Jekyll,
but he kind of looks like Mr. Hyde. And
he he has to get into his house because
he knows, and of course his servants
won't let him in cuz he doesn't look
like him. But he knows he has to get
into his house because he realizes the
potion that turned him into Mr. Hyde is
the only thing that will turn him into a
[ __ ] Henry Jekyll again. And it is
that thing is the only thing that made
me feel normal was the thing that was
killing me.
>> Yeah.
>> And And that's a [ __ ] finger trap,
man. And that's that's really hard. And
it's really hard to figure that out,
especially when you're in the emotional
and mental turmoil.
>> Yeah, and you don't know that.
>> You don't know, you're not aware of it.
>> And you're not and you didn't have any
you didn't hadn't read any of the
literature on alcoholism. So you don't
>> I I I Look, I'd bounced around a little
bit. I'd sniffed around. I I figured
[laughter] there was something wrong,
yeah. It had been noticed by others.
But
>> Folks. It had been noticed by folks.
>> Friends and family. What the [ __ ] do
they know?
Anyway, the
the uh But it when it occurred to I
mean, there was no cognitive kind of oh,
this is what I'm dealing with. This is
what it It didn't feel like any of that.
The rational thought was, I must destroy
myself.
And then the alcohol went on top of that
and I was like, but why? We can sit here
all day.
And Um so the thing that's killing you
is also the thing that's keeping you
alive. That's a [ __ ] conundrum.
>> Yeah. And it takes a long Okay,
take the alcohol away, then you have to
realize why you're why you want to
destroy yourself.
>> Yeah, causes and conditions, I think. I
think you have to I I think in order to
for me look I other people like some
people get sober going to the church and
they find Jesus or they find science or
they find
>> Who?
>> something. I have other people,
[laughter] you know.
But what I'm saying is the way I did it
isn't the only way to do it. But I feel
like in order for me in order to
to get and remain sober, I had to take
an inventory of myself from as far back
as I could remember and look at the
times where
uh things that I that had brought up
feelings in me, you know, the the maybe
getting beaten up at school by these
masochistic teachers or I don't know
what I thought.
Stuff that I had no control over, but it
certainly had an effect on me. But
here's the one thing that I really like
about uh about this is that alcoholics
of my
type in recovery or or the people that I
kind of hang with,
they're willing to be the villain of
their own story. And I think that's very
important. So you look at yourself and
you go, you know who was at fault there?
Me. I I was a dick there. I need to not
be that. I need to change. And it's
it's tempting when bad things have
happened to you to say, well, it was all
that. And it certainly that that wasn't
your fault. If bad things happen to you,
it's not your fault.
>> certain point
>> But there are other times that maybe a
bad thing happened to you and then you
did a bad thing and that is your fault.
You know, the the bad thing that you did
is your fault. Um
you know, and bad is such a relative
term, but you know, if you
>> your What were your
>> I was a I was a singer and a and a
fighter and a and a pub man. I like to
be in the pub.
>> Singer, why did you mention singer?
>> Well, because we sang. You sang and then
>> Like you sing at the like at the bar
like "Hey, bartender." Like
>> Yeah, yeah.
>> like and how what's that? A 5-6 hour
night?
>> Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
>> [laughter]
>> 5 5-6 day night. You know, you can You
can go at that with the right crew, you
can keep that running. And also, you
know, then at some point if you're in
London, some one of these London media
guys going to go, "Oh, you want to try a
little bump of cocaine?" And then
suddenly you're like, "Oh, I can
>> You say London media guy?
>> Yeah, yeah. You know.
>> Those are the types?
>> Oh, you don't
>> I've never done I've only done cocaine
once.
>> Oh, really? Where?
>> Yeah. In New Orleans.
>> Colombia with a guy
>> [laughter]
>> I don't know what it was or something.
Oh, one of my cocaine journeys, one of
my spiritual cocaine journeys.
>> Is there such a thing? I bet you there
is, actually.
>> I actually heard one today that they I
swear to God a couple hours ago that
they did a Xanax journey. So that it's
actually in really interesting and I
need to like listen to it again.
Somebody gave a bunch of people, maybe
10 people, Xanax
and they had like musicians playing
>> Uh-huh.
>> pleasant music and they were all on
mattresses. So they did it like an
ayahuasca thing, but it was Xanax and
people had spiritual transcendent
experiences, which is
>> Do you know what they used to call that
where I'm
>> Go ahead.
>> a party.
>> Yeah, there you go.
>> party.
>> Yes. Um no, but you guys didn't have
that many mattresses though. Everybody
didn't get a mattress. [laughter]
>> Oh, yes, so
>> Not in one room, Craig. I'm not going to
I'm not [ __ ] off.
>> That's how we lived. Everybody lived in
one room and we all gathered round the
potato.
>> [laughter]
>> Um so
so you would you were just It was like
fun. It sounds like legitimate fun.
>> There's a great old
uh
I mean, that's the that's the other
confusing thing about it. I thought I
was having a good time a lot of the
time. So, it's confusing.
Um
but there's a great old It's an old
Irish doggerel thing about, you know,
"So, we've shared another night of
poetry and proses,
but every man knows he'll be alone when
the sacred gin mill closes."
And it is a there's a weird kind of the
party can't keep going and then you're
on your own and there's a
there's something weird about that. I
don't know what it is. I can't [ __ ]
explain alcoholism and I've lived on
both sides of active and no and I
I'm as mystified by it now as I was
then, but I do know one thing, which is
if I don't drink it, it doesn't start.
>> Right.
>> So, it it's connected to the first
drink. If I That I'm convinced of. The
The first drink is the one that does the
damage. After that, you know, someone
else is driving.
But if I can avoid the first drink, I
can avoid any drink. It's just the Just
>> Is it a daily thought? Meaning
>> It was for a while, but it's not now. I
don't think of it that much. Every now
and again I think about
>> It's been 35 years, pretty much.
>> Yeah.
>> So.
>> More More of my life than
sober than drinking. About twice as
much. So,
it's what I do, but every now and again,
you know, it comes up. More More with
smoking, though.
>> Interesting.
>> I've Oh god, if you had
>> more I have smoking dreams.
>> I loved smoking and I would smoke
>> so long ago when I'm still would do it.
>> I loved it. It gives you cancer, though.
And that's why I don't.
>> I'd say I've said this before, have you
looked up what amount of people get
cancer from smoking?
>> I don't want to because I would think
Well, here I go.
>> It's
You want to You want me to tell you?
>> Yeah.
>> 10%.
90% of people don't.
>> know Do you know who I I what percentage
I'd be in, though?
>> Of course. Well, you're special.
>> Yeah. I'm special.
>> You're so special.
>> I'm special.
>> this [ __ ] guy?
>> This guy is so special. As they say in
the
>> I just don't feel like I get away with
anything. Do you know what I mean? I
just don't feel like
>> Oh.
The The The The 12-step term is
terminally unique, but but it's a I'm
surprised you haven't heard it. It's in
the
>> I'm I'm I'm surprised you have.
>> [laughter]
>> Hey.
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