Video summary
Social anxiety often leads individuals to engage in various safety behaviors, which are actions taken with the intention of preventing feared negative outcomes but ultimately paradoxically worsen social performance and increase self-focus. These behaviors create a barrier to genuine connection by keeping people isolated within their own heads or preventing others from truly knowing them. For instance, staying very quiet or giving only short answers might seem like a way to avoid judgment, yet it stops potential career advancements that require speaking up and halts the natural flow of relationships where mutual understanding is essential. Similarly, talking excessively fast just to get an interaction over with prevents speakers from reading their audience's reactions or checking for comprehension, while asking too many questions can turn a conversation into a one-way street that fails to reveal anything about the questioner themselves.
To manage perceived threats in social situations, individuals often resort to avoiding personal disclosure by sticking strictly to safe topics like small talk, using humor defensively, or agreeing with others even when they disagree to avoid conflict. Many people also distract themselves from direct interaction by focusing on tasks such as tidying up, taking photos, or helping in the kitchen, and some prefer interacting with children or animals because they feel less concerned about those groups' opinions than adults'. Others may use clothing, makeup, or accessories to hide signs of anxiety like blushing, though this often fails due to accompanying sweating. Furthermore, selecting seats near exits or corners where one can easily disappear provides a false sense of security that reinforces avoidance rather than building confidence in social settings.
Preparation and self-monitoring also fall under the umbrella of safety behaviors that can hinder authentic engagement if taken too far. While rehearsing what to say beforehand is not inherently wrong, obsessively practicing scripts or constantly monitoring one's own appearance—wondering if they look weird or are blushing—shifts focus away from the conversation and onto internal anxieties. This hyper-awareness often leads to negative self-talk where individuals suppress ideas before speaking them because they fear judgment, effectively silencing their authentic voices. Additionally, some may turn down invitations for anxiety-provoking events or rely on substances like alcohol to cope socially, which further isolates them from meaningful experiences and reinforces the belief that social situations are unsafe without these crutches.
The core conclusion is that safety behaviors exist on a continuum where they become problematic not because of their existence, but due to the degree to which they impair one's ability to pursue important life goals. It is crucial for clients and individuals with social anxiety to recognize when these coping mechanisms stop being helpful tools and start becoming obstacles that prevent them from moving toward rich and meaningful relationships. By understanding how each behavior inhibits interaction and increases self-focus, people can begin to challenge the necessity of these actions and gradually replace avoidance strategies with open engagement, allowing for genuine connections to form without the constant need to manage perceived threats or hide behind defensive tactics.
Read the full video transcript
People with social anxiety also engage
in a ton of safety behaviors. And in
your classroom, I created a check sheet.
One of them is for safety behaviors that
you can go over with your clients.
Safety behaviors are actions intended to
prevent the feared outcomes that often
paradoxically impair their social
performance and increase self-focus and
anxiety. As we go through these on the
next slide, I want you to think about
how can this behavior actually inhibit
social interactions and
um relationships and increase self-focus
and anxiety.
Safety behaviors include staying very
quiet or giving only short answers. If I
don't speak, then nobody will be able to
judge me.
Okay, well, that prevents people from
connecting. That prevents people from
knowing who you are. That prevents
people from potentially advancing in
their career if they're not speaking up
at work and offering ideas.
Um
And when they're staying very quiet, a
lot of times that, you know, buttoning
your lip
forces them to kind of be in their own
head. It Not always, but a lot of times
when people are trying to stay quiet, um
they may come up with ideas and then
they're like, "No, I'm not going to say
that. That's a stupid idea. I need to
just keep my mouth shut." And there's
all this negative internal talk.
Some people talk very fast to just get
it over with. And we've all seen those
people at award ceremonies and stuff
that get up there and they're
told that they have to make a statement
and they just kind of blurt out
something and scurry away. And breaks my
heart. You know, I'm like, "Oh my gosh,
that poor person was so uncomfortable."
Uh but again, when you talk very fast,
you're not able to read the audience.
you're not able to check for
understanding, and the audience may not
even understand what you said cuz you
just blurted it out really fast.
Some ask lots of questions, so the focus
stays on the other person.
Okay.
Some people may like having the focus
stay on them, but it still prevents the
questioner from being known. It's very
much a one-way conversation.
They avoid giving opinions or personal
information. They stick to safe topics
like and small talk. They use humor to
manage others' reactions.
They agree with others to avoid conflict
or rejection, even if they don't
actually agree. They may say, "Oh, yeah,
I totally agree. That was the worst
movie ever."
They may keep busy with a task, for
example, tidying, taking photos, helping
in the kitchen to avoid direct
interaction. I do this one. I do this
one at big functions where I don't know
a lot of people,
and I know it's
I can do these presentations to 200
people and it I don't think twice
because I have a script. But if I'm
winging it, if I'm at
you know, a social gathering of some
sort, you know, like at church,
and I don't know a bunch of people, I'm
going to do whatever I can. I'm going to
find some kids to hang out with and try
to assist with the little ones or when I
go to family events, I may try to find a
dog or a cat, any animal or any child
that I can interact with. Why?
Because I'm less concerned about their
opinions [laughter]
than maybe some of the adults.
And again, it's a continuum. Do I have
social anxiety disorder? No.
However, I know that when I start
getting uncomfortable, that's one of my
drawback safety
behaviors is trying to find something to
do so I don't have to try to figure out
how to make small talk cuz
I suck at making small talk and I know
that.
Some people use clothing, makeup, or
accessories to hide signs of anxiety,
which, you know, if you've ever used
makeup to try to hide your blushing, you
know it often doesn't work well because
generally when you're blushing, then you
also start sweating like crazy
and all that just drips right off. But,
good honest effort.
They may choose seats or locations that
feel safer like near exits, corners, or
a quieter area. Where can I disappear?
They may rehearse ad nauseam what
they're going to say ahead of time,
whether it's in the mirror in the
bathroom or in their head at night.
There's nothing wrong with a little
little bit of rehearsal, but it's the
degree how much are you rehearsing what
you're going to say.
They may constantly monitor monitor how
they're coming across.
>> [snorts]
>> Sorry, I got Mojo fluff in my face.
Anyhow, they may constantly monitor how
they're coming across wondering, you
know, am I blushing? Do I look weird?
They [snorts] may distract themselves in
their head instead of fully paying
attention to the conversation.
They may turn down or avoid invitations
to anxiety provoking social events or
use alcohol or other substances to feel
more able to cope socially.
>> [snorts]
>> Talking with clients, and this can be a
great group activity, but talking with
clients about the continuum. Each one of
these is not inherently problematic.
It's the degree and to which you do it
and the degree to which it impairs your
ability to move toward the things that
are important in your rich and
meaningful life.
That that's important.