Christian Marriage & Family | Lecture 9 : BC202-CM&F-20260909

Okay. Um, recording is on. Welcome back everyone to our second lecture. Um, I see the note in the chat. Uh, Samuel says, "Yeah, it's not necessary to share our past mistakes. Uh, we've generally repented, confessed to God. uh we must uh live out of our identity in Christ and it becomes a reality. Yeah, that's I think what um is is is the right thing to do to uh live in who we are as new creation. Okay, let's move forward lesson number four or chapter four. So what we want to do is begin to understand our roles uh you know the roles of the husband and the wife understand each role. Okay everyone is here or you still engagement period just [laughter] joking. All right. uh before we go into it, it's so important to uh see that in Christ the husband and the wife are joint hes. They're co-airs. Right? That means in Christ it's not the like the husband is better than the wife or wife better than the husband. No, in Christ spiritually we are equals right and you see uh different scriptures on that uh 1 Peter 3:7 you know uh Peter selling uh is writing says you know husbands you you be good husbands to your wives you honor them you delight in them um in the new Life of God's grace you are equals in as new new creation husband wife are equal both God has given the same grace uh the same Holy Spirit the same inheritance as believers in Jesus right so we treat so he's saying treat your wife as an equal not as you're uh less than me you know in Christ you're equal In fact, in Galatians 3, he says, you know, there is neither male nor female in Christ. That means in Christ that gender identity like gender, you know, you're male or female, that doesn't even matter because you're a new creation in Christ, right? So, we have to keep that in mind. Although we know the Bible tells us the husband is the head, he's has to provide leadership. Uh he's the he's in charge of the family. We understand that. But at the same time they are equals spiritually as far as new being new creation in Christ and the gifts of God the grace of God uh God gives uh equally right. Uh another word chapter begin reference we can look at 1 Corinthians 11 11 and 12 uh it says you know woman is not independent of man nor man independent of woman. So woman was made from man the same way man is born of woman. It's God who brings everything to into existence. In other words, you know, after in 1 Corinthians 11, that same passage, he says, you know, the head of the wife is the husband, the head of the woman is the man, the head of the man is Christ, and head of Christ is God. He he gives that governmental structure in 1 Corinthians 11. But then he ends up saying in verse 11 and 12 which we just read, hey, but we are interdependent. Man and woman are interdependent. We we we need each other. We respect we honor each other uh as equals. Although we recognize in God's government there is an order, right? So think about this. Jesus, Christ is God. The eternal word is God. Co-equal with the father and with the spirit. And yet the Bible is saying the head of Christ is God. That means in his incarnation when he walked on the earth as a man, he walked in submission to the father. After res ascension when he died resurrected he ascended he received his eternal glory and as the eternal word he's co-equal with the father right that means in this role as the son of god when he walked on the earth he walked in submission to the father but in who he is today he's co-equal with the father so that's first coran Corinthians 11 1 2 and 3. Then in that same context you it's talking about husband and wife. Wife you're submitting to your husband but yet at the same time you're both dependent on each other. You're not independent of your husband and uh the man is independent of the woman. No you're dependent. So to understand this dynamic that there are certain times when the wife submits to the husband and yet in Christ we are new creation. We're equal. same grace, same Holy Spirit, same Bible, everything same for man and woman. Right? So we have to understand that dynamic. There are times when the wife submits to the husband but in all all other things you're co-equal um you're heirs of the gift of uh God's grace right so this is a challenge for men that means for men we need to think in both ways we have to think in terms of leadership that means hey I need to step up I need to take leadership I need to be responsible I need to do this at the same time I need to also the husband also has to treat his wife as an equal So it's a challenge to think both ways, right? You look at your wife as a equal, as a co-equal in Christ, as a new creation, but yet you also learn to be the leader. Uh take leadership, provide leadership for your family uh without putting your wife down, you know, that that has to happen. So it's a it's a it's a challenge for men, right? >> [snorts] >> Um so as we um try to understand the role of the husband and the wife in in Ephesians 5 21-33 and we'll read this passage Ephesians 5:21 the Bible sets a very high standard very high standard for marriage because now the scripture through the apostle Paul God is speaking He's comparing the relationship with Christ and the church to relationship between husband and wife. It's a very high standard and it says husband your example is Jesus. Christ is your example. As Christ loved the church, you have to love your wife. It's very high example, you know, very high standard. Uh so let's read this. Somebody could read it for us. Ephesians chapter 5 21- 33, please. >> Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by doineering, but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives exactly as Christ did for the church. A love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love [clears throat] makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor since they're already one in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become one flesh. This is a huge mystery and I don't pretend to understand it at all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife loving himself in loving her and how each wife is to honor her husband. >> So the scriptures are telling us you know this marriage relationship. So think about this, right? When God is trying to help us humans, uh he's trying to teach us about marriage, he's trying to say, "Okay, husband, I want you to be like this. Wife, I want you to be like this." So in order to help us understand that, he is pointing to the ultimate example. He's saying as Christ loved the church. Uh there's no other example, you know, uh like if he had if if God had picked up some example from our own world, you know, it it would have been very different. But here he's he's pointing to Christ and the church like you could say the highest example that we have, you know, of of God showing his love for us. You know, in other words, you can't have an higher standard than this for love. And he's saying, "Husbands, you love your wives as Christ loved the church." And uh but at the same time, he's providing leadership, right? That's you see that in verse 23. Um the way Christ is the head of the church uh husbands you be the head in your marriage you're you're providing leadership and uh then the wives verse 24 just as the church submits to Christ uh wives you submit to your husbands right so see here here's the problem um in some places in Christianom uh they've only emphasized Wives, submit to your husband. Wives, submit to your husband. Wait, wait, wait. There's a full passage there that's talking about this whole relationship, right? Rather than just that one verse saying, wives, submit to your husband. Wife, submit to your husband. Well, there's something the husband also has to do. He's got to create that environment where submission is safe. He's got to create that environment where submission is is an expression of honor and in response to love. Right? So what has happened is husband behaves however he wants then says wife submit to your husband. Well, that's not the only thing the scripture says, right? He's talking about husband. You love your wife as Christ loved the church. You are providing leadership. You're nourishing and cherishing your wife. And in that environment, wife will feel safe and secure to willingly submit and honor the husband. Right? So for us we need to see that either the husband or the wife to really fulfill their role they need the other person also fulfilling their role the way the Bible tells us right so same thing for husband also you know if the wife is always shouting at the husband how will the husband try to show love for the wife, he'll be scared, right? How will he provide leadership? The wife is always shouting at the husband. It works both ways, right? The [snorts] husband also should feel that, oh, the wife has embraced, has accepted my leadership, is willing to, you know, trusts my leadership. Uh, and uh, you know, so it it works both ways. For each one to fulfill their role, the other person also must be doing their best in what they are supposed to be doing. We can't just point to one person, you do like this. It's not it won't work, you know. But um uh this passage really uh you know tells us husband and we will break it down later on. Uh this is what the husband must do. This is what the wife must do, right? >> [snorts] >> And there are parallel passages to um this. Let's read uh both of them. Uh Colossians 3:18 and 19 from the Good News Translation. Also 1 Peter 3 1-9. And then we'll break it all down. We'll put it we'll create a table and put it all together. But let's read these passages. >> Colossians 3:18 and 19. Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, for that is what you should do as Christians. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. 1 Peter 3:1-9. The same goes for you wives. Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who are indifferent as they are to any words about God. There are husbands who indifferent as they are to any words about God will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your utter outer appearance, the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes, but your inner disposition. The holy woman of old were beautiful before the go before God that that way and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham would address him as, "My dear husband, you'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated." The same goes for you husbands. Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them. Delight in them. As women, they lack some of your advantages, but in the new life of God's grace, your equals. Treat your wives then as equals. So your prayers don't run ground. Summing up, be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you. No exceptions, no retaliation, no sharp tonged sarcasm. Instead, bless. That's your job to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing. >> So you look at these three passages. Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3. It's giving clear instructions for both husband and wife. Not just one person, both husband by both you know this is what is required from you. Right? So we must emphasize that equally. Right? Sometimes like I was saying earlier, we put all the responsibility on the wife. Husband has no responsibility just do as he pleases. No, it the scripture is putting equal responsibility husband and wife and how they conduct themselves, how they treat each other, how they have to relate to each other, right? So if you if we take these two these three passages and uh let's try to break it down. You know what do we see? First we look at husband's role right from these three passages. uh we just try to put it together first uh as I'm going to the next page page uh 40 uh uh husband's role first love as Christ loves like I said this is a very high standard very high standard so husband must you know whenever any situation happens first thing you ask yourself how would Jesus love in this situation? How would Jesus love? Because that is our calling as a so you look at all these things not just like instruction but this is your calling as a husband. Your calling is love as Christ loves. How will Jesus love? He will be compassionate. He will be forgiving. He will be you know extending grace. Even if he has to speak truth, he will speak it in love, you know. So love as Christ loves. Now humanly speaking, it's not possible. That's when we have to depend on the Holy Spirit, right? Holy Spirit, you pour the love of God in my heart. Help me to love as you love. Right? And uh uh you know 1 Corinthians 13 4-8 describes this agape love this God kind of love God kind of love it describes it love is patient love is kind love is not boastful love is not jealous uh love is not self-seeking this is the agape kind of love you know so you know example If the wife achieves something nice in their workplace, they get award or something, they get recognition and she comes home, she tells the husband, "Hey, I got a promotion. I got a something, some award." Husband should celebrate. He should rejoice, not feel jealous. No, becoming jealous is not an expression of love. Husband should be happy. Hey, wife has done well. Uh she got this achievement whatever something you know. Husband should feel good, happy. Yes, you've done well. Uh not u feel jealous about that. So that is the response of love in that situation that moment because love is not jealous. They're happy. Yeah. Good. You know same way the other other way also if the husband comes home says something good wife supports you know wife encourages right so we're looking for the husband the husband's love should be sacrificial no Christ gave himself for the church that means the husband is sacrificing for the wife but sadly in our culture I'm thinking about our Indian culture [snorts] it seems like the wife has to sacrifice for the husband one last chapati I'm just g simple example oh they give it to the husband you eat how why can't the husband say no no no you eat I will sacrifice for you why can't it be the other way right so in our Indian culture It's almost like the wife is expected to sacrifice for the husband and the family a lot actually. But scripture is teaching us something different. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. That means he sacrificed himself for the church. Husband sacrificed that Christ sacrificed. So slight change in thinking for us as husbands right as men uh I have to think how can I sacrifice I can't just expect my wife to keep sac you know sacrifice for it works both ways but I'm just dealing with us because in our culture things seem to be in more like this the wife has to sacrifice for the family uh but scripture is telling us husbands you be like Jesus Right? So you think how can I sacrifice uh for my family for my wife you know because it's saying that's that's the kind of love you're supposed to show right [snorts] and this is a love that leads to building up and enriching the wife. So you know in in that same passage he says husbands nourish and cherish your wife. you know you you feed you let's say use the word pamper you know you nourish and cherish your wife that means the husband is uh lifting up encouraging building up the wife you nourish and cherish not saying ah you don't do anything you sit at home uh like no no no you nourish you you're building up uh the wife in whatever ways they want to grow and they want to flourish Okay. So what does love do? Right. Love it is uh is sacrificial. Love nourishes and cherishes. So that's the husband's role. One of those things. U nourish. Number two nourish your wife which is you encourage you en enable you empower her to grow. So nourish is like you're feeding and growing the person right. So husband you nourish. Okay. in whatever you want, right? So depending on what uh your wife will uh in which areas your wife will want to grow, you encourage them. Um so on cherish number three, cherish is another thing uh which is you hold your wife as someone very precious, someone very valuable, right? As a special treasure from God, right? So um the wife should feel cherished right. So the husband should cherish the wife so that the wife can say and feel and experience that yes my husband treasures me he values me. Okay. So when you're communicating, when you are [snorts] showing trust, uh you're showing affection, you're carrying her load, you're setting a godly example, and all of these ways you're saying uh you know your wife is important. Number four, leadership is also an important role for the husband. You have to lead the family, right? Provide leadership. your head or authority in the house. Um what this does not mean that you're the boss who sits and commands everything. It means that you're responsible. Take responsibility for the family, right? Uh uh you're providing, you're being responsible and uh you're making decisions for the good of your wife and children, your good and good of your family. So that's leadership. uh making those decisions uh not being uh so top of page 41. It's not like you're being a dictator but you're being a servant leader leading through serving. So on right two more things we can add to this list um from 1 Peter 3 it says husbands know your wives or dwell with your wives by understanding them. 1 Peter 3 understand them well. So um taking making the effort to know you know what what they like what they don't like uh how they act how they react in situations things that way. So know your wife know her strengths her weaknesses [snorts] uh and then also to honor her respect celebrate her her gifts her grace and so on honor Um I met one couple husband was telling the wife I love you I love you but he never celebrated a birthday will come no cake no celebration but you are saying I love you I love wife was very confused on my birthday. He is not celebrating, not doing anything but he saying I love you. I love you. Then I got to listen to the husband. Why? What is going on? No. If she changes and becomes how I want her to become, then I will celebrate her. But so what do you think about that? Huh? Ah, it is not the kind of love that Jesus had for the church. So the husband in his mind is a little uh see he's saying one thing but his actions were sending a different message and in his mind he's reasoning only if my wife changes then I will celebrate her birthday but he's telling I love you I love you I love you so there was a mismatch between his words, his actions and his own reasoning. So four five years after marriage, he never celebrated a wife's birthday. I couldn't understand the logic behind this. What is this? You know, but then sometimes very difficult to explain and make them understand. Hey, you're not thinking properly. >> [laughter] >> some there's a mismatch between what you're saying and what you're doing and your wife is confused. Your wife is feeling hurt. Simple thing. Birthday. Simple thing, right? Birthday. You get a cake, you celebrate, you get a gift or something, you do something just to say that you know you you cherish and you honor your wife and so on. Simple. [snorts] But sometimes uh people have these kinds of strange ideas and um yeah right. So what we've done is we've just tried to from these three scripture passages we've just tried to okay um summarize what is the role of the husband. This is how you have to be as a husband right practically you have to live it out in everyday life. Okay. Now, uh let's just summarize the uh role of the wife. Very similar. Love your husband. All right. Husband, you love your wife. Wife love your husband. And you find this in another place in Titus chapter 2. uh uh it it uses the word filio uh meaning be a good friend to your husband, be your husband's best friend. Uh so wife again called is called to love and love is sacrificial. Love is um you know expresses itself um in this way. Submit to your husband. So, one of the big things for men is uh you know being respected, being honored, and we'll talk about that. Um bottom of page 41 um uh wives submit to your husbands. Um but that does not mean uh when you're submitting doesn't mean you shouldn't express your opinion or shouldn't have your own interests and pursuits and things that uh that you want to do right. Uh so it's not like you completely lose your individual identity but in submitting you are recognizing his place of leadership, his place of headship. You're being a support right? So uh uh submission has to be lived out in the right way, right? Uh it shouldn't be lived out in a way that disintegrates yourself as a person, right? So like you no longer are a person. You are a person. You need to grow. You need to thrive. [snorts] But while you're doing that, you're also walking in honor and respect and submission to your husband. Okay. So that's second third aspect. Wife respect your husband. Right? That means you are honoring, you're appreciating, you're recognizing your husband for who he is. uh believing in him, supporting him and this is a big thing you know sometimes some husband say my wife never respects me she always is like this then uh when the wife demeanes the husband the husband is very hurt and then he finds it very difficult to step up to a place of leadership so uh if the wife demeanes and say you're not good you're not like this so to be very careful in that regard and number for you are a helper, a help, a helpmate. I mean, you're supporting, you're coming alongside your husband to uh help and assist in whatever you can. It doesn't mean that you have to be doing the same things as your husband, but you're encouraging, you're supporting him in whatever areas uh he's called to do. So, wife, love, submit, respect, help, four things. Husband, you got six things. More work, more responsibility. >> [clears throat] >> uh as a husband. Okay. All right. So um when we look at uh this is we're going to page 42 now sorry 43. Uh so there's a standard that we have for us is you know to walk in love is that 1 Corinthians chapter 13 4-8. Can we read that please? 1 Corinthians 13 uh 4-8. If you can just read it from your Bible. I know it's a very familiar passage. You probably read it many times, but let's read again and just remind this is what love would look like. Read God kind of love, right? Let's read that please. >> Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up. Love never loses faith. It it is always hopeful and endures through every situation. >> Yeah. Love never fails. Right. So this is what we have to live out in our marriage standard that this God kind of love right. So um if the husband is not keeping his clothes properly, merry messy, love is patient, love is kind of you speak the truth. I said, "Please clean up. Please take your clothes. Put it there." Speak the truth. But speak it loud. Right? You can request. Do it kindly. Don't say, "Huh, your mother never trained you well. Now I have a problem." Don't say things like that. That will uh you know, make that person feel bad. You know, don't say those. No. You know, so or if um you know, suppose husband lost his job, right? Things happen. love. It says here love never gives up. So encourage. Okay. No, fine. Let's we will work this out. You start looking. We will we'll find out. So you're you're supporting because these things happen in life. Um that's why you're you're supporting the husband or the same thing with the wife. You know, wife goes through situations. you you support one another and and um you know so we have to live this out in the marriage relationship uh dayto-day right um so um you know suppose husband wife I'm just put example at the bottom of page 43 they want to make a decision example It could be like buying a home or it could be decision about career change. They want to change job. It could be a decision about relocating, moving to some other place, some other city, whatever. Some major decision, right? >> [snorts] >> So they're discussing, husband, wife are discussing, they're praying about it, but there's a difference of whatever they're not in agree like they're not coming to that same conclusion. What should the wife do or husband do, right? It's it's important that both must be open-minded, pray, get input, get counsel. And finally, it's okay for the wife to yield to the decision the husband makes, trusting that God would guide the family through the leadership of the husband. So, you're discussing, you're getting counsel, you're getting input, all of that. But if at the end of it you're still not in agreement, that's when the wife willingly submits and says, "Lord, I trust that you will guide us, the house, the family through the decision the husband makes." So that's willing submission, right? Having gone through that that uh discussion and getting inputs and so on, you know? Um so uh it's not like the husband just says okay I don't need your help or I don't want you to be involved in this. No you discuss you talk about it get the inputs uh then husband takes the leadership and he uh he makes a decision for the family. The wife willingly submits uh that's that's the way you know God is calling us uh to to flow. So let me pause here and let's uh take some time for question answers. Uh we've just covered the initial part on the role of husband, role of wife and um let's take some questions. Any questions? All right. Um, there's a question here on the chat. Our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. If someone lets themselves be abused or hurt emotionally for decades just to avoid divorce and they're allowing God's temple to be destroyed, how do you make a differentiation between true obedience to God and simply allowing ourselves to be destroyed? Yeah, [snorts] Renet, that's a that's an important question. So, you know, uh when two people get married, they're not signing up to be abused by the other person. They're signing up to be loved, to be honored, to be cherished. They're signing up for a covenant that God established for good. Right? So, that's what we entering into this covenant for good for, you know, to to walk. So we cannot say oh just because you're married you now I have to stay in a place where you're being abused physically verbally emotionally all those things that is not what marriage that's not the marriage God designed that's not the covenant you stepped into you stepped into a covenant as designed by God but if the other person is violating that covenant by abusing thing the the the the wife in this case in the example there's a need to stay there that's not the covenant God designs right so to stay in that place while you're going through this kind of abuse is not right it's not needed it's not uh uh required the right thing to do is first of all and as in this case in the in the chat here uh because there's abuse and hurt uh it is better for the um uh the the wife in this case to move to a place of safety. So that's the first thing we tell them to do. Go to a place of safety either of the home of your family member or a friend or maybe some other place where you can be safe. You don't have to be in this place where you're being hurt and abused. Right? Be in a place of safety. Then see if the person the abuser in this case I'm assuming it's a husband here uh the husband can get help you know why are you doing this do you you know why can't what is keeping you from treating your wife well etc and and can the will the husband change you know so we try to resolve we try to bring about the change the for the sake of the marriage and then if the husband is willing to change yeah then they get back together and and they forward. But if the husband is not willing to change, he's not willing to receive the help. We can't tell the wife to go back to that place where she's being hurt and abused, right? Nobody wants to live in that kind of a place. So, we need to help support the wife and and let them journey forward from from there. Yeah. So, to answer your question, Reed, yeah, it's important for the for the wife who's being hurt or um to move to a place of safety. see if the marriage can be if the husband can change otherwise um if there if there's no option uh then divorce divorce may be the way to bring uh the an end to this. Yeah. >> Any other questions? >> Yeah. Go ahead. Um once the husband and wife become one um even from a spiritual perspective do they usually like hear from God similarly in the sense even if it's a big decision um will both of them receive the same thing because I've heard in a lot of cases where one person gets say the word from God and then the other person Whether that's a husband or wife hasn't heard yet and then they have to kind of submit to the other one who has heard. But since the two are one, is it ideally that both need to be hearing together or since they're one? >> Uh not necessarily because like they still are separate individuals, right? So they become one uh as in coming under God's covenant uh and they're journeying through life together but they're still separate individuals. Um they're still separate individuals spiritually and where they may be journeying with God and in the call that God has for their lives. They may be called to do different kinds of things. So uh it is not that you know uh for every matter they may hear exactly the same thing. they could hear differently or they I mean it's not like God is saying different things but they they may have for various reasons different things that they want to pursue concerning the same matter [snorts] and that's where uh generally through prayer we trust that God would lead the husband to make the right decision for the sake of the family sake of the marriage and that's where even [snorts] if the wife is not convinced about the decision she's still submits saying that God I trust that you will lead the family through the decision of the husband. If both have a peace about the same thing then that's fine that's great you know that's the best place to be but it may not always be that both will have peace about the same thing. >> Yeah. >> Thank you. What if um the wife hears a word from God and then of course she's called to submit to her husband but he's making a more practical decision but she's quite certain that it's a word from God and then how would you navigate that situation because the husband of course the wife has to submit to the husband he's looking at it from a more practical perspective >> how do they then navigate that >> so in that situ situation we recognize God has placed the husband to as the head of the house the family so he's the one who's going to make the final decision so I think he the husband will have to be in a place of peace right that okay my wife is feeling like this but I feel like making this decision and the husband prays about it and he's peaceful that okay the decision he's going to make is the best. So he can go ahead with it because of the peace that he feels even though the wife may have said something you know like another decision but that's his responsibility he has to make the decision. So by the peace of God in his heart he will go ahead. How does the wife navigate that you know pull between she's heard from God but then also honoring her husband but God comes above you know >> so there you can wife just says God this is what I feel I'll pray for it but right now I'm submitting to my husband so that whatever you feel you pray about uh the wife continues to pray and say this is what I for the family this is what I'm feeling but your word tells me to submit so I'm submitting and you work it out. Yeah. Okay, sounds good. Let's pause here. We'll um continue from here next week. Um please read the the pages in the book. Right. So, I'm just kind of giving a gist of it, an overview. uh whatever section we've covered please read it you know so that uh anything that I may have missed in the not in the in the book uh you'll cover it okay thank